Sorting

You're changing, and I see that. I hope the best for you in your recovery because you deserve to finally be through all of this...

But I've gone through way too much for me to feel safe in your arms. I want to more than anything, but I know we really are just too different. I really am selfish, and so are you. Neither of us should have to change to make the other happy. There are very few people who I'm willing to put before myself, who's happiness means more to me than my own. We haven't been through enough good times to make up for the bad ones. I still feel like I just have to give and give and give because we want different things from one another. I want untouched freedom, you want an undying partnership. There's no way one of us can have what we want without hurting the other.

Hopefully sort this out soon so we can move on into a happier life.

XoXo,
S

What I want for Christmas.

I just want this feeling to stop already.
I want to be in control again.
I want to feel happy
and free

I want all of the tattoos I used to dream about getting.
My  second lip piercing to be redone.
All the crazy little ear piercings I wanted
My right ear to be gauged huge like I always wanted.
To wear my ugly green leopard print TUKs
To eat fast food without so much fucking guilt tripping,
and to not go hungry if I don't.

Painted toenails, in a color I CHOOSE.
To have bangs without arguing
Dying my hair whatever fucking color I want.
Wearing ugly as fuck clothes, because I CAN.
Having whatever junk I want in my car,
and not having someone else's trash in there too.

My own bed, my own room, my own TV shows, my own music,
My ONE pair of skinny jeans, my torn jeans, my faded and ruined jeans,
My leggings, my 'manly' purse, my wool jacket with a band logo pinned to the back,
My mini skirts, my thigh high stockings, my corsets, garters and heels

To not have to consult someone to go to IHOP after work at 2am
And go to my friends parties, or visit them out of town,
or just to hang out with someone and do nothing without an escort.

All I want for fucking Christmas is for this relationship to end because its KILLING me.
Just let me fucking go already.
next time I try to walk out the door, let me go. I can't exist like this.

Celebrity

I'm happy the Britney Spears is getting married and I'm happy that Snooki lost all that weight. They're human, and they're happy and accomplishing things, so how about we stop criticizing them and be happy that they're happy?

downshift

I need to stop reading Post Secrets. It just makes me really depressed. Or, it makes me realize all of the things I pretend to not realize, or brings up the negativity I was trying to forget.

There's so much negativity where I work. I don't think everyone realizes that the job hasn't actually changed in 5 years. I've been there the whole time, I know it hasn't. The only thing that has is them. I can't take all the hate. There are some great people there, and all anyone does is complain about how much they don't like everyone else. I've hated plenty of co-workers in my life. The best way to resolve it is to smile and be nice. If you're terrible to them you'll get a bad reaction and then everyone's night is ruined from having to deal with two people in a bad mood.

When life gets me down and I have to work, I just don't say anything. It's not the best way to deal with problems in life but it's the best way to deal with them in the work place. Focus on your job and you'll actually have a chance to exist without your problems. When my home life is in the trash, work is my happy place. My home life IS in the trash, so everyone needs to stop letting their lives ruin the only place I have to go to where I can be happy.

There's too much hate in the world.

3rd world countries and ungrateful douches

This started out as a comment on a complaints post... but it's been going through my head like crazy.

By denying yourself 1st world pleasures you're insulting 3rd world countries. Think about it. Yeah, they can't go to a doctor when they get a fever. Yes, they've lost loved ones who were dying of worse disease than whatever you may have... but that's no reason to not go to a doctor when you need it. If anything it's all the more reason to go. There are kids who don't have parents because they died from a curable disease because they couldn't get treated, and here we all are acting as if we're saintly because we refuse medical treatment in their honor? No. Just no.

If I lost someone close to me because they couldn't afford to go to a doctor and I heard some dick-cunt from a 1st world country tell someone not to go to a doctor because I'm suffering, I'd want to punch them in their genitals for being so ungrateful. Letting someone or yourself suffer isn't going to make the life of a poor 3rd world country child any better. If anything it shows how much you're willing to take what you have for granted. Want to feel better about other kids suffering? Help them. Don't hurt yourself, don't let your loved ones be hurt. Fucking help the kids who need it, or stop using them to make yourself feel better about the harm you're allowing to exist.

You aren't good people. You're ass holes, and instead of trying to put others in their place by guilt tripping them, you need to be put in yours.

XoXo,
S

continuous efforts

The days keep on moving while I sit here silently.

I feel as though if I stopped trying I'd cease to exist, and a part of me really wants to give up.

I'm afraid of the future, and my past, and the present, so instead of moving I'll just sit here and watch.

Everything has been a blur. Boredom. Exhaustion. Self-loathing. All melted together and brushed over the days on my calendar. I don't know what to do. I don't know where it started, and I can't tell where its going to end.

Thanks for the hope, the smiles, the strange conversations and making me feel human again. I'm afraid I'll have to let go soon, but holding on is the only thing that keeps me from disappearing.

So I'm sorry.

Crocheting

I've only been crocheting for about 2 or 3 weeks now, and I already have a pet peeve or two.

1) calling it knitting. I'm a retard, and even I know there's a difference between the two. Not even just the needles and hooks.

2) pointing to something clearly knitted and saying "can you crochet me that"


No. No I can't. I've explained a million times the difference between the appearance and density of knits vs. crochets. if it looks like thousands of tiny V shapes, has a very solid (no hole) appearance but lots of stretch, and it fairly thin and flimsy... it's a knit. I would have to single crochet the entire thing with small yarn and a tiny needle, it was take AGES and it still wouldn't be the same. If you want something dense, lacey, or with decorative open sections, I'm you're girl. If you want a long scarf that's solid, go buy one. Crocheting my brother's girlfriend's scarf (about 6 ft long) has taken about 3 hours a day for over a week. I'm not even done yet, I'm just out of yarn. I need to double it's width still. It's cheaper and faster to buy it. Decorative lacey scarf? Yeah, I'll do that. Solid long scarf? go fuck yourself.

I still need to find a proper beard and mustache pattern. ;_; or Christmas won't come this year and children will cry.

RP

quotes that make Ron Paul sound racist

#9 is ironic.
"9. “Immigrants can spread diseases for which we may have no immunity. There is also the question of crime and culture. Many immigrants come from countries with different legal structures and are not willing to behave in the way we expect American citizens to behave.”"

Sounds an awful lot like a group of big belt buckled people's pilgrimage over the ocean to settle on land that was already lived on by a large group of people who suffered from diseases, death, and forced removal from their land by that bunch of unwanted immigrants who didn't want to live by the laws already laid down on those lands.

juuuuuust sayin'. fuck anyone who talks about what "their" America is in relation to immigrants effect on the country. This land wasn't built on god or Christianity, it was built on illegals forcing current residents to assimilate to their own cultures. If America's most dominant language becomes Spanish then you can all happily sit there remembering the fact that hundreds (if not THOUSANDS) of languages have been lost due to English speakers forcing their language on others for their own convenience. Native Americans were put into school and onto reservations where they weren't allowed to speak the language they were born into without punishment. The list of what's happened to people who are ACTUALLY native to the Americas goes on and on, so every single person who wants to complain about how their life may be inconvenienced can shove their opinions up their asses. Learn a second language or go somewhere that's actually established English as their national language. We don't have one. We hopefully won't any time soon.

You may have been born here, but your ancestors weren't any more than mine were. We haven't even been settled here for 300 years, but apparently we own the continent that's been lived on for several THOUSANDS of years. riiiight.

(and stop saying "screw this, I'm moving to Canada/Australia." They don't want more of you there. Both are fairly liberal and verging on socialist. Most people complaining about immigration are against both of those. You'd have just as much to bitch about over there. And if you can't speak French in half of Canada they won't accept you any more than you accept non-English speaking immigrants. Both French and English are pretty much required.)

XoXo,
S

my mom

For whatever reason, I was thinking today...

About my birthday party that I had in high school my freshman year. I think I only invited 3 people.

I baked cookies and had party food and candy and the tv all ready for movies. Everyone told me they wouldn't be there til later, and I was fine with that. I was incredibly bored though.

I went inside to use the bathroom and to walk around (when I'm restless I like to walk around without a purpose) and mom asked me if anyone was here yet. When I told her no she asked me if I was sure they were even coming, and maybe they lied to me and didn't plan on showing up at all.

I'd never once doubted that any of them were going to show. I loved and trusted them because in the 3 or so months that I'd know them they had become be best friends I'd ever had. But then there was my mom, trying to push doubt on me; trying to hurt that confidence I had in them. I was upset by this. I stayed in the garage the rest of the night until everyone got there because I didn't understand how my mom could think such terrible things about those people. And maybe her words had worked a little and I felt a bit of doubt. More in myself than then. Why would they want to come over for my birthday? It would make much more sense in comparison to my past friends if they hadn't wanted to come over at all.

Obviously everyone showed. I still remember how sure my mom was that they wouldn't. Not vindictively, she felt bad, but she genuinely believed that I didn't really have friends.

XoXo,
S

tutorials

Only thing more discouraging that trying to watch dance/tumbling tutorials on youtube while your school's internet is working against you and stopping the video every 10 seconds... Is that you can't try them because you don't have the personal time and have absolutely no space to do it.

I'm tired

After a month or two of want, I finally got myself a unicorn beanie boo. Fucking cute. :3

Saw Twilight last night. The new one. Basically the first hour is her and Edward getting married, going on a honey moon, having sex and then not having it. The the last hour was her being pregnant and basically dying because she couldn't bear the thought of getting rid of what was possibly a demon baby. It had it's funny moments but basically it felt drawn out and boring. Could have been worse, and it made Micheal happy and that's what really mattered in that situation.

Besides, how can I be anything but cheerful. Pinkie Pie is hopping and rolling around my computer screen like the cutie she is.

XoXo,
S

Wants/lifes

My last post was #555. Huh.

I want to vlog again.

And wear make-up.

And have cute clothes.

And feel like I exist in the rest of the world.



I've considered dropping from the Americorps Program (the one sponsored by at IPFW at least). Besides not having time, I'm getting no help. I was told more than once that they were going to help me with my placement, especially since I got a late start. No one has. I've finally started e-mailing organizations asking if they need a happy little volunteer, but by the time that's settled I'll need to be doing 20 hours a week to complete the program. I've been all over the place as it is, and I know that once I get things in order I can find a good living pattern that works, but right now I'm having so many issues it's not even funny. Wednesday, in the span of 30 hours I was only awake for 6. And they weren't consecutive hours either. I wasn't tired, but I was exhausted so I crashed every moment that I had 2 seconds to myself. I didn't even WANT to.

Winter-like weather is also killing me. It's 10x's harder to get out of bed in the morning when you're cold. I'm wearing my striped sweater, my school hoodie and my wool coat today. And a scarf. There was ice on my windshield this morning. If's fucking cold. I hate this state.

XoXo,
S

Because I didn't say anything last post

• I have shit loads of Algebra homework
• 2 assignments that take for ever to do, both with 20 problems both due at Midnight
• A quiz I'm not ready for that will actually effect my grade that's due at midnight
• I have to take ANOTHER Algebra class next semester, and then another math class on top of that, just to get a Women's Studies degree
• fuck word problems
• I have a paper due at midnight that I haven't started
• along with a works cited page, and a page of "in text citation practice"
• I work 3 til 11. I have to get my work done NOW
• I've barely made a dent in my drawing portfolio that's due at the end of next month. 
• the one thing I've finished I need to redo
• the one thing I'm working on has taken two class periods and still looks like shit
• I don't have my resource materials for my other ones yet
• My job
• gives me 25-30 hours a week, but only 1 or 2 days off
• usually ignores my demanding classes
• only pays minimum wage
• fucking sucks
• Americorps
• has been hectic to find the time to get my information in
• I'm still not placed, so I can't start volunteering yet
• will take 12 more hours a week out of my life
• I can't quit because I need the job experience and I need the school loan credits
• the campus office is in the office my boyfriend works at
• My boyfriend
• Won't give me any space
• is too demanding of my attention
• especially considering the above things that demand my attention as well. Except one can bitch and yell at me, the rest can't
• gets offended when I have to work
• gets offended when I have to do homework
• gets offended when I can't stay up all night watching a movie
• gets offended that I don't have enough money to help him out
• gets offended when I don't have money to buy us food every night
• thinks my dad and brother should just buy everything for us
• I feel guilty enough that my dad is paying my car, I'm not asking him to pay my medical bills
• my brother has been paying my phone since the start of the summer and I still owe him $300. I'm not asking him for food and gas money.
• always enjoys the company of my dad, brother, and both sides of my extended family
• but whenever I bring up an occasion that we were invited to hang out it'll end with an argument and I'll be told to go along because "he doesn't like them anyway"
• Always asks if he was actually invited, despite the fact that I TOLD him it's always implied unless they say "just you." We ALWAYS accept significant others and close friends. That's how a good family functions
• I don't like my mom either, but if she invites us out for lunch and is PAYING for it, just fucking do it and shut up.
• Is so paranoid that
• I can't text without being accused of cheating
• I can't go to work without being accused of cheating
• I can't talk to, or about, a guy friend without being accused of cheating
• I can't go to parties I'm invited to without being accused of cheating
• I can't ASK to go to parties without being accused of WANTING to cheat. 
• I shouldn't have to ASK to go to a fucking party
• I can't disagree without being accused of cheating and being told that I'm only TRYING to start a fight because I want out of the relationship
• Doesn't take my opinion seriously
• Doesn't take ME seriously
• Finds any sort of disagreement to be a ploy to give me a reason to leave him
• Claims me not wanting to get married right fucking now means I can't possibly be committed to him or love him
• Claims me not wanting to plan out having 2 kids right fucking now to mean I don't want to be with him or love him
• Always complains about how the room is a mess and how there's not enough room for two people and he hates living with his mom
• claims the only reason we don't have an apartment is because of me having a bad job
• he makes just as little money
• I work more hours so my check is bigger
• he couldn't afford one on his own either
• my dad will always have a free room for me (and him) if we were willing to take it. He's just not willing to take it. 
• There would be free storage space for all of his stuff if he were to just live out there with my dad
• Yells at me about things I have no control over
• my sister having 2 kids
• my mom being a cunt
• my sister's boyfriend being 18 while she's only 15
• me not getting a raise
• things not going well for him in various parts of HIS life
• him not doing his homework
• him not getting any of his shit done on time
• Didn't have a job all summer and got upset with me when I told him we couldn't afford things, but when I was unemployed I still had to buy us lunch every day because he "can't afford it" and I wasn't allowed to just feed myself
• all of my savings are now gone because of this
• Despite having his own job still needs me to pay for his shit. 

Something has to give. Something has to fucking give NOW. I can't keep doing this, I have too much going on and too much is dependent on me being successful right now. Something has to give and it's not going to be the things prepping me for my future. 

How existence works when you give up

I wore my hair curly for a good 5 days (maybe only 4). It's too short to curl but it has that cute mess look.

Oh, joyous healthy feeling hair. Do I continue to look mediocre to allow you to be healthy while you grow, or do I straighten the shit out of you to boost my self-esteem and maybe just lay off the dying. Besides my bangs my hair is almost all chin length. Trimming will probably happen next month since I need some shaping and crap.

I could sit here and list off everything that's bothering me right now, as is my custom... But just don't have the energy. I'm kinda fuck-it-all and nothing-ever-changes. And lots of why-do-I-even-bothers. Possibly throw in a few I'm-too-empty-to-try-anymores and you can sum up me.

This is where I was about to write about why I'm so bleh. But I just fucking don't have enough energy to verbalize everything. And why bother? I'm not able to make myself change anything. I'm going to continue to exist in this bullshit because I'm fucking tired of trying.

Nothing is outweighing anything else. Everything just is, and I've pretty much just checked out.

XoXo,
S

(I'll stop reading these sites eventually)

"Your attitude is evidence of everything this blog is about: you are racist not because you are prejudice against blacks, but because you don’t even realize that you are and are not willing to learn to recognize that you are and that everyone and everything else is as well, whether they realize it or not. You are like white people who are nice to blacks and think it is simply because you are a nice person, when really, you are only being nice to them so you can congratulate yourself by telling yourself that were nice to them just because you are nice and that you are not racist when you really are racist and were only nice to them so you could keep believing that you aren’t."


The fuck? So, I'm only nice to black people so I can congratulate myself on how racist I'm not... That's why I'm nice to white people too, right? because I'm racist and like white people more. Couldn't possibly be that I like being nice to all people because I feel it gives you better results in life. I must be unknowingly racist. Clearly the fact that I don't see racism everywhere in everything means I'm racist. 


I'm also a feminist, and whenever I think I could possibly be seeing sexism in something, I ask myself a series of questions about it and usually determine I'm just in the defensive mindset, because a girl in a movie being blond or pretty isn't sexist. To imply so would be to imply that being either of those things (born or otherwise) was wrong and I couldn't take myself seriously as a feminist if I believed that. The "you have what society considers the most desirable _______ so you're a part of the problem" attitude seems kinda shallowly thought out. You DON'T choose how you were born, and if you choose to change it then it's a freedom of their choice. 


I think people are confusing white-liberal-guilt with being liberal and understanding that it's everyone's right to feel however they want (view things however they want; racist, sexist, or any other -ist) but no one else has to feel that way. Some liberal people may have lots of white-guilt baggage, however I think it's safe to say that I hate everyone fairly equally. I don't pat myself on the back every time I'm nice to a black customer at work, because I don't care what color they are as long as they know how to order their food. The only time I'm going, "GOOD JOB, SELF! You didn't murder someone," is when I'm dealing with idiots, who come in any range of color and class. (Oh wait, saying that means I'm implying that I'm "colorblind" which also makes me racist. I forgot.) I suppose I'm also racist for 'implying that I interact with black people only at work and therefor only when forced to." Right? Do I get it now? Or could it possibly be that I don't make a point to talk to anyone on a regular basis unless they show interest in talking to me first because I'm just as happy doing whatever else by myself. 


XoXo,
a big raging racist.

Just a few thoughts I've had

lol at the fact that so many people talk about "white people" as if someone's skin color says anything about them (besides what color their skin is, obviously.)

I don't throw all black or brown people into little "skin color" boxes, and recognize them for whatever nationality, culture or ethnicity they choose to identify as. Skin color is a description, not a title, nationality or race.

Remember that next time you talk about what "white people" did. You should probably specifically refer to what nationality they were, considering there are people with white skin within minorities and not all white European people took part in every racial fuck-up.

It doesn't really offend me, but it is definitely getting on my nerves. I was born with white skin in a world where white privilege exists. It wasn't my choice and I wish we could try to find some sort of balance for everyone, but I'll be damned if you tell me about who I am (or what I've done) because of what color I am.

XoXo,
S

(ps, being "colorblind" isn't wrong. Being "culture blind" is. I can see all people of all colors without making associates based on the tone of their skin without disregarding they way others may perceive them and without denying that they're currently in unequal footing. What's wrong is being completely blind to where someone is from. THAT is a part of who they are.)

anti-choice

I think my main problem with pro-life people is how black and white they view all situations.

For one, I'm pretty sure the government doesn't fund abortion anyway. They may give money to planned parenthood, but planned parenthood does a hell of a lot more than giving abortions. STD testing should be inexpensive and easily available for anyone who wants or needs it. Even with government help it's still not free, either. Just affordable. They also provide birth control. I don't know anyone who started birth control strictly for it's ability to prevent pregnancy. Most of the people I knew started it because they needed some sort of regulation with the period. The prevention of pregnancy was just a plus. Whenever I'm curled in bed with cramps and feeling too sick to move I wish I had the $7 it takes to get on the pill because I shouldn't have to lose out on 3 days of ever month because my body doesn't function the way it should. (my period is longer than that, those are just my cramp days.)

But it also gets to me when they're going "derp, I don't care if they were raped or if it was an incest baby! I especially don't care if the mother will die from carrying it! no abortions!!1" Apparently because it's HER problem and the child that can't feel and it's capable of living yet isn't the problem (even though obviously if the thing is attached to the fallopian tube it kinda is the problem. Why should a woman die because her body isn't functioning in the way 'god' intended?) and that the government shouldn't throw a penny her way because of it.

But really, the fact that all these little bullshit things were brought up in conversation over a bill that was written to end government funded abortions makes me wonder where these people's heads are. What do any of the above opinions have to do with government funded abortions? It's just someone spewing out negativity and hate for the sake of showing how conservative they are.

Also related, if god has a plan for everyone and intended for that woman to be raped and to get pregnant (what a terrible dark situation, how can anyone make light of it and shrug off the suffering of someone but be so adamant about the value of an unborn life) maybe his only intentions for the unborn thing* was to be aborted. Maybe she's NOT playing god by aborting it. In it's own respect, declaring that it was meant to be born is playing god as well. You have to be careful about throwing around accusations that are a matter of personal opinion. Chances are they can be turned around and used against you.

Then, finally point, I'm sick of them throwing it in pro-choice people's face that their mother didn't have an abortion when she was pregnant with them, and that they "had the right to grow up to be an idiot" and how "ungrateful" they are that their mother did that. Um, no. Just no. I'm HAPPY my mother chose to keep me. The key word in that is CHOSE. I'm happy knowing that even though my mother could have aborted me, she CHOSE to keep me because she WANTED to. I wasn't brought into this world and raised by my biological parents because they had no other options, I'm here because I was wanted. If abortion was illegal, I'd definitely feel differently about my family and the environment I grew up in.

Everyone just needs to stop bringing so much hate into the world. I think one of the reasons I fall into the liberal category is simply because they don't care what personal restrictions you put on yourself. We don't care if you personally don't want an abortion or if you do pray in school. We really just want the freedom to decide if it's right for us or not. I think the understanding of freedom is that to a certain extent you should actually be allowed to choose what you do. If you can't it's really not being free.

XoXo,
S

*it's technically both an unborn baby and a cluster of cells/fetus/whatever. It all just depends on your personal perspective and I have the perspective of not giving a fuck what you think it is.

Ups

It's weird. I don't think I realized how stressed out I've been over money. For the last few weeks I've had headaches daily. I figured it was just allergies or me not getting enough water and food. Sometimes I probably could have done with a little more water, and some days I did spend excessive amounts of time outside...

Yesterday, I realized I had double what I expected in my Crayon bank. When I got my school money I slipped a $50 into it with the change because I knew I wouldn't touch it until it was an emergency. I didn't touch it until my bank account was nearly 0. Best part? when I popped the bottom off and fished out the bills in the sea of pennies I found that I din't just put a 50 in there, I put a 50 wrapped in a 50, a 10 and two ones. :) I know the exact reason I did so was so that the fear and anxiety of almost being broke would scare me into being smart about my last $100. I also knew I'd forget. I love myself sometimes.

Then on my way home from school yesterday I figured I was so close to Wendy's that I may as well stop in and ask for my job back. My brother starts there Sunday as a manager so I figured I'd at least have that to look forward to as far as the environment went. The whole thing is so love hate with me, but I need a paycheck and me and my brother work together fabulously. She was more than happy to give me hours since she never terminated me officially :) I have a job. I'm EMPLOYED again. I don't intend to work the hours I used to, or the same shifts. I'm getting good grades and I'll be volunteering  soon. I need to be spending about 12 hours a week volunteering, going to school full time, doing homework, taking care of my responsibilities as the secretary to two clubs and still getting shit done with my life. I don't have 35 hours to dedicate to Wendy's every week anymore. If I can pay my phone bill, help out with my car, get gas and still have a bit left over for whatever else I'll be doing grand.

Finally, yesterday was my birthday. I'm 22. Even though I feel old and I feel like I should have done so much more so much sooner, I got monies for my birthday and spent time with my dad and brother.

What point am I trying to make? All those things happening, despite some issues I had yesterday, have put me in a great mood. Now that I'm in this great mood I don't have a headache when I normally would. I've drank and ate just as little, but feel completely different.

Even at 22, life is a big crazy roller-coaster of emotions. I don't know if I mind, but it's interesting to think about if nothing else.

XoXo,
S

Politics and Children

Just a random childhood thought.

When I was in elemiddleschool (10 years at the same school tends to make the years bleed together. Late elementary, early middle) I was told by my teacher that whoever was president at the time supported killing babies. I think it was Clinton, actually. Since I'm only 21, and Bush was the president through high school and middle school... Actually that means it WAS elementary school. Probably in computer class since I think it was my 8th grade teacher saying it. Is Clinton a Republican? or was that Bush? Fuck, I don't even care.

ANYWAY. My parents were talking about the president and I brought this up, asking why we'd have a president who supported killing babies. My dad got really upset with the school over it, since it was a pricey private school and they weren't paying them all that money to harm my young impressionable mind with their own personal political beliefs (sadly, as a parochial school they WERE allowed to shove religion on me.) I didn't understand why my dad was so upset since obviously killing babies is bad.

Unfortunately my young impressionable mind didn't understand that by "killing babies" my teacher meant "supports abortion." I would have agreed at the time since I was a good little god-fearer, but looking back on the whole thing I realize how it must feel to be a parent and have your kid spouting off bullshit about something that was clearly not explained to them properly and not taught in a manner that allowed them to form their own opinion. I get it now. And I'm kinda pissed that my teacher said it too.

Just thought I'd share the thought, since I haven't had many post that don't revolve around me having a pity party for myself (free drinks, everyone is invited.)

XoXo,
S

The Doctor

On a more factual note, I really have been feeling depressed lately, and it really does highlight the fact that I have shitty friends. But I haven't really cared much for them for a while now, being shitty and all.

I spend most of my day sleeping. Most of my waking time doing homework because I don't want to let my brain sit for too long on it's own because it just makes it all worse. I actually finished my Algebra homework on Saturday, and did my Composition homework yesterday while it was still daylight out. I still need to finish my drawing, but after I get the mouth and teeth finished it's just work with shading from there. And the hair.

How do you make friends when one of your classes is a bunch of really annoying freshmen, the other involves no talking at all, and the third is filled with cool people that you don't have a chance to talk to because it requires so much concentration that no one WANTS to talk. I have no job. I have no money. I don't get to enjoy the free things in life, like long walks and good conversation. I get the walks, but the conversations always lead to arguments that I'm not emotionally equipped to deal with right now.

I think I'm at an odd transition, between the person I want to be and a mature adult. I don't enjoy the change. I don't want it. So I stop it and everyone gets mad. I don't really enjoy anything anymore. I don't like other's company, I don't want to be on facebook, I don't want to be an artist, I don't want to go shopping with people, and I don't like being in relationships. What's really left besides the excitement of watching a new episode of Doctor Who on the weekend (except last night was the series finale, and there won't be another episode until Christmas). Which is often times ruined by my significant other who, instead of letting me enjoy the range of emotions I'm finally able to feel while I watch, will distract me and annoy me and basically do everything in his power to take the focus away from me.

It's nice knowing you still have the ability to care and feel, you know? I like getting to feel every now and then, even if most of what I feel is heart wrenching pain.

Fuck, I love Doctor Who.

XoXo,
S

Fuck Yeah.

Sometimes I feel really depressed and lonely when I think about how none of my friends really care about me. And how basically every friend I've ever had has failed to make an effort to be there for me when it stops being easy.

Then I remember that I fucking hate all those people.

XoXo,
S

Keep the implications of myself off your facebook status.

Don't build up walls and expect no one to see them. :\ It's a big fucking wall. No one is so blind that they won't see a big fucking wall.

You don't treat someone badly, or imply that there's something wrong with someone just because they see through you. Guess what? I'm not "fake." I've never accused anyone of being fake for putting up a front, even if the very act means projecting a false idea of yourself onto others to protect yourself. I've never implied anyone who needed help was weak or stupid.

Basically, you go through all the trouble of making barriers and pretending things are fine which ultimately shows that you have admitted to yourself that you may need someone to help you through whatever you're facing. Meaning you want someone to notice. But the person who notices first isn't the person you want it to be so you're mad at them and think they're a bitch because of it? Isn't this the same problem you had with me 4  years ago? The same reason that when we were at odds with each other the last few years I knew what it was that could hurt you?

I don't speak badly against others. We all have our own lives to worry about and live. Before you make assumptions about ME and try to start something with ME, remember that I'm not the one who hurt you, I'm the one who saw that you were hurting when you lied to the rest of the world and said you were fine.

Words for thought.

XoXo,
S

Giving

I downloaded Desktop Ponies, so Pinkie Pie is hopping all over my screen being adorable. :D

I turned in my paper for Americorps through IPFW, and have some sort of orientation on Tuesday with a guy in my boyfriend's office (cuz, he works in the office that I turned my Americorps app into.)

Also, I donated blood for the first time yesterday. I felt super dizzy and weak for a few hours afterwards, but much better now. Mostly I feel good because I'm doing things that help. I have to complete 300 hours of volunteer work through the next year for Americorps, which isn't much. I wanted to do more, but the program through IPFW apparently will give me money to help with school loans 4 times, so it's not like I'll be missing out. I still want to do more. Maybe a year.

My birthday is coming up! Next week :D

XoXo,
S

someday

I'm probably taking a year away from school to join Americorp, by the way. I could go part time, but I want to dedicate 12 months of my life to something beyond myself, and I doubt the Peace Corp would want me quite yet.

I fucking want to join the Peace Corp someday.

my Secret

I tell everyone I want to join the military so I can pay for school. In reality, I just want to finally feel like my life serves a purpose.

XoXo,
S

fancy drug names are just ways of lying.

I accidentally took Ibuprofen today. Fuck Advil for not just calling itself what it is.

I have stomach cramps like I'm about to start my period. I want to curl up in a ball and die. At least I took it for a migraine, and not cramps. So instead of double my pain I just shifted it to something else. It actually did pretty well for migraine relief, and the rest of the symptoms. But god the cramps!

XoXo,
S

trololol

I don't make a point of trolling christians. I really don't.

But how hilarious is it for someone who is a minister to say that your opinion on religion is too biased to have a reasonable intelligent debate, all because I contradicted something he said.

I DIED x3

keeping up

I've been so busy keep up with homework. But I'm actually keeping up with it and that's what matters. As of now, I feel horribly unprepared if I don't have my homework done 2 days before it's due. Which is why I haven't been blogging much. I thought I had a portrait due today for my drawing class. I didn't, but I did the homework last night and felt terrible about waiting so long for it. I need to redo it anyway, but I have til Tuesday and will probably do it this weekend.

Then I have a paper due tomorrow that I haven't even started (and really can't until I have my other notebook. I hate being unorganized.) But it's only a page and a half so I should be able to do that one just fine. I'm still feeling nervous and terrible about it though. I'm not working, which means I need to at least be doing well in school.

I've also been playing the Sims Social on facebok. It makes me want to play the real thing REAL bad. I don't have any money to buy it though. Funny thing about not having a job, right?

XoXo,
S

the E word

I'm really getting sick of the word emo.

Not because it's a label, or because of "emo-kids."

The word just doesn't taste the same in my mouth (or... the thought doesn't feel right in my head?) The word lacks the natural flow I like words to have. It wouldn't be a problem, since I'm in college, but some people on the internet are still talking about emos :C Emo is has been dumped into a nuclear waste land. Sure, there are some survivors, but they're grossly mutated and will probably die soon.

That's all, really.

XoXo,
S

BMI and HTWR

Apparently, despite having a BMI of 25.7 (which is overweight) I have a hip to waist ratio of .67, which means I'm less likely to have death causing diseases than all you average sized/healthy BMI mofos.

Bitches, yeah. Genetics ftw.

XoXo,
S

IDK

No one likes being talked down to. Then again, no one likes it when someone tries to read more into what you said then is actually there. It's almost hurtful when someone who you have been with for a while assumes you're always using a "tone" with them. And otherwise annoying when others do as well.

I'm not a snarky person, unless provoked. When I am, it's pretty clear. When I don't know something, I'll just come out and say that I don't know. There's no snark or attitude about it. I'm not trying to imply something. I'm stating that I don't know. If I were to say something along the lines of "what, you can't figure it out yourself?" or "why should I know?" (or even, "why don't you know?") I can see hostility. But why, when in my normal casual voice would you read more into "I don't know" than is actually there?

It's one of those phrases that just doesn't give you much room for assumptions. I mean, I could give off a sense of anger or frustration by adding to the phrase and saying something like "I don't fucking know" but that still doesn't give someone a reason to read more into what I'm saying besides what I'm actually saying. Admitting lack of knowledge. Maybe I'm frustrated by it, maybe I'm feeling lost, but I'm definitely NOT making accusations or getting a "tone" with someone in those words.                    

I look into my little glass ball and see.... nothing :O

XoXo,
S

Exaggerations and Attention Whoring

I know we all exaggerate. Sometimes its just to get a point across and everyone knows its an exaggeration, like saying, "it was like a million degrees in there." That's just a way to express that you thought it was really fucking hot, whereas stating an approximate temperature may not get the point across. I know people who complain about how 80 degrees Fahrenheit  is way too hot. The person exaggerating wants to get their feelings across without others letting the other's personal feelings prevent them understanding.

But I'm really tired of exaggeration for the sake of making ones self look better. Especially when the feat gets more and more improbable as they tell the story. Like when an awesome drawing originally took you an hour, and then you tell someone 45 minutes. and then a few weeks later tell someone 30, and somehow a few months later it was "like, maybe 10 minutes. If that. I just threw it together, you know?"

Maybe I just hate it when people feel the need to stroke their own ego in hopes of getting attention. Nothing good comes from wanting attention. Look at high school kids. And if the only conversations you have either involve you bragging about yourself or you talking down to/about other people, don't expect people to want to have many conversations with you. I know I have my own list of things I need to be taking care of. I don't have time to worry about other people's problems, especially if I'm not hearing them from the person themselves.

I still don't know what to post on my tumblr.

XoXo,
S

understanding

I downloaded a tumblr app for my droid, but its an old phone, and an HTC at that, so it doesn't really work worth shit. The phone's functionality that is, the app runs as well as any other app that I have. I still haven't done much tumbling.

Still only halfway through my algebra, but I have 5 days to finish it and I'll be on campus with all my materials tomorrow. Then I'll do my drawing homework over the weekend :D Too confused to continue on with my Composition homework though. I mean, I can easily do what I think the assignment is, but I don't want to put in the effort yet until I get a response from the teacher. When it gets to be about 8 or 9, I'll just do it and hope for the best.

I'm really getting into the concept behind learning to draw. I used to get really frustrated with Michelle because I couldn't figure out how she approached drawing in a way that seemed so weird to me, and I couldn't mimic it no matter how hard I tried. I kinda get it now.

I probably never told her how pissed I've actually gotten in the past for not being able to copy the way she she drew (not the style itself, the process.) Well, if she ever stumbles here out of boredom she'll know now. I still loved you :P

XoXo,
S

Tumblr

I'm about halfway through my first 50 problem math assignment, and have about 6 problems done on the other. So obvioulsy it was time for a little procrastination. I've decided to forget about Twitter and Google+ and do what probably actually is the future for social networking: Tumblr.

MAH TUMBLR

FOLLOW ME. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO USE IT FOR YET.

XoXo,
S

Typo

I felt really proud when I was rereading my last entry because it was on topic, and there weren't any spelling mistakes that I caught... Until the very last sentence ._.

XoXo,
S

Facebook Status Etiquette (and mild language)

I kinda hate it when people spew out phrases like "what goes around comes around" and "karma is a bitch" because it's usually followed by something negative directed at someone who pissed the speaker off. To me, it's a little ironic to tell someone that karma is going to do evil things to another while also saying that the speaker will enjoy to see it, due to the fact that wishing evil on others is bad karma, right?

As far as that goes, saying nothing but quotes referencing the fact that your outlook on life is terrible will not only fail to change anything, but make others feel down as well. Negativity is really contagious, and if you're in a bad mood, you'll just bring out that side in everyone. No wonder life seems down when you make people think about the bad things in life.

I always want to tell these people that life is what you make of it. That's the most true statement I can think of. If someone is trying to hurt you, yes it'll hurt. There's nothing wrong with being hurt. Being hurt doesn't make you weak. But when you let their hate cause you to spread more hate, is it any wonder that things never seem to feel better? And is it any wonder that people will try to set you off, when you're making yourself an easy target? Whether someone is taunting you for pleasure, personal gain or boredom, what they want from you is the same: a reaction. When you have the mask of the internet, you don't have to show how mad or upset you are at someone. It allows you to keep a blank expression no matter what people are doing or saying.

And when your life is in the sewer, and it's all you can talk about, is it any wonder why it seems like no one is there? Every case is very different, but I've personally been struggling with depression problems for quite a few years now. It hurts for a little bit every day. I rarely react out through social medias. My blog is always a place to share, bitch, and wallow in self hate when I really need it, but I can't see the benefit of using social medias to tell everyone how shitty my life is. They have their own problems, and more than anything you just end up looking like your trying to get attention when what you really may need is help.

Ever notice how when you start posting sad worded messages everyone has something to say to cheer you up? But slowly, if you continue to post for days or weeks, less and less people seem to be there? It's not because no one cares. There are just only so many encouraging words you can give someone, and after so long it seems useless because it doesn't seem that the sad-person is even trying to better their situation. Whether or not they are is irrelevant. Social media will only show what you choose to show, and if all you choose to show is the bad part of your life, no one will see the struggling hopeful in you.

What I'm trying to say is: Facebook is a place to share general on-goings, pictures, ideas, and bits of your life. It can be used in any way you choose, no one will stop you (short of uploading porn, of course) but its also a tool people use to make up their mind about you as a person. You can say "well, they should get to know the real me first anyway" but if what you post isn't the real you, then what the fuck is? As with any sort of media, you want to make sure you look at what you're saying through the eyes of a stranger, and never post when you're feeling heightened negative emotions. As a rule, it rarely goes will for those posting.

XoXo,
S

ps, some quotes on positive attitudes.
If you don't get everything you want, think of the things you don't get that you don't want.  ~Oscar Wilde

So often time it happens, we all live our life in chains, and we never even know we have the key. (I actually would like to get this tattooed to me when I get my key done, to end the "key to your heart" jokes)

Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.  ~Winston Churchill


There are exactly as many special occasions in life as we choose to celebrate.  ~Robert Brault


Happiness is an attitude.  We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong.  The amount of work is the same.  ~Francesca Reigler


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.  ~Oscar Wilde,Lady Windermere's Fan, 1893


Just because you're miserable doesn't mean you can't enjoy your life.  ~Annette Goodheart


To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it.  ~Confucius


A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes.  ~Hugh Downs

snap

I saw that hot topic sells Lomo cameras on their website. My need of film cameras is back. I want a Holga so bad. I put that filter on all of my photos anyway. And the Sprocket Rocket sounds really fun, even if it's difficult to find a place to develop it properly. And who doesn't want a 9 lens camera? I know I want one.

I also found out that Polaroid has a mini print-maker. Same no-ink styled paper that you think of when you think of Polaroid (okay, this has no borders, but stiiiill) and it's got a sticky backing X3 . and you can print images from your phone via bluetooth! I can make my own fucking stickers with the pictures on my phone. And it's only about $13 for 30 of the film papers. Fuuuuun. It's only $50. I'm fighting with myself over this.

And Lomos come in so many pretty colors. I want a camera rainbow D:

(also, the Anthro club got 4, possibly more, 35mm film cameras. 3 are Cannon Rebels!)

XoXo,
S

tipsy

Just had a very nice drink at the bar tonight. Crispin Cider I think. Had two, got tipsy, laughed a lot. Haven't had fun with my brother in a while, and my boyfriend was being sweet too. So it was a good night.

Things have been hectic, but they're getting better.

The jeans with the rainbow ass were ultra low rise and probably 2 sizes too small (in the fit, the size on the tag was right.) It was disappointing, but I found a pair of jeans that fit and some nice higher neck shirts that covered my tattoo . Not at all a waste of day.

XoXo,
S

ps, considering buying some WoW time. Idk. I want to, but should I? :)

reading maor

Finished Obsidian Butterfly. Feel oddly compelled to get the next few books due to promise of Anita going home and facing her two loves... meaning JEAN-CLAUDE ACTION >:]

But I'm reading Neverwhere. 28 pages in. It's so good. And the character is described in a way that I can picture him being a young Neil Gaiman. Actually reminds me of my first boyfriend in quite a few ways. Weird. 

XoXo,

S

Books

I've been trying to finish Obsidian Butterfly. Started yesterday (from the point where I stopped, of course) and I've gotten through 100 pages. I remember when I was on book 1-6 and I read the entire 500 pages in one weekend. But I'm getting back into it. I think the only reason the last two were so dry for me was because they severely lack my favorite character. Even mention of him. Oh, Jena-Claude, you fancy french-man vampire. C:

As a reward for myself when I finish it. I bought myself a Neil Gaiman book, Neverwhere. It sounded pretty good. I also think I need a break from Anita Blake. They're on about book 20 now in that series and I'm still on book 9. I'll eventually get more, but I need some time in other fantasy worlds. And Doctor Who gets back on BBC America soon. Anita Blake and Doctor Who aren't very mixy. I need my fandom obsessions to be mixy.

I applied for a job yesterday. I'll talk more about that after I see if anything does/doesn't pan out from it. My hopes aren't high, but I'm still hopeful.

XoXo,
S

fanfictions

I can't think of anything more painfully frustrating than trying to find a fanfiction that you read a few years ago and finding NOTHING. Not even a story with a similar pairing.

Trying to find anything that's not complete Slash after typing in "Harry Potter Fanfiction" is a bitch though, isn't it?

It's a buffy crossover as well. Fuck, google isn't equipped for this.

XoXo,
S

Friendship Is Magic

I've been obsessing over this for a few hours now...

If I were a My Little Pony, what would my Cutie Mark be? :C

I'm going to join the CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS until I find my special skill, darn it.

XoXo,
S

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeew

I would say that I hat to be cynical, but it's my personality.

I'm so glad I'm not morbidly obese and that I haven't gained more weight than I have. I'm actually looking pretty damn good.

(I saw a few people I knew in high school posted recent pictures of themselves on facebook. Just.. Wow.)

XoXo,
S

Search

my savings is now under $100. My dad took care of my car this month because he's amazing, you know?

I've applied for a shit load of places. I'm applying for more. It'd be different if I had my school money so I had something to work on until I got a job, but I won't get that for another week or so. I think I get a small check from 5 guys though, because I worked like 6 hours after my last pay period there.

I'll live. It's just shitty. I wanted to dye my hair black (because I have the dye already) for job-getting. Just until I land myself a job that is hopefully accepting or not caring about my hair. Staples is hiring, I've heard. I have an app for taco bell and Burlington Coat Factory too. Taco Bell is the most likely of all of them to let me do my hair. And they have one on campus if I wanted to transfer. And I hear they actually promote you and give you raises, but that may have just been the Decatur store.

I'm using Vampire Freaks to meet people just so I have people to talk to and maybe hang out with. :C

XoXo,
S

++

I need a new banner for my blog but I haven't taken a good picture for that in a long time.

I want to make a banner for my dread falls site but I haven't made any yet and I'm not good at drawing. (ha, I could probably commission someone on Gaia to draw something really pretty for me for like 100K, which translates into maybe $10 irl, and that's if you invest is badly in the cash shop. I may end up doing that to promote myself anyway in the future.)

Still though, I'm trying to keep as positive as possible. It's kinda shit now, but that doesn't mean it can't get better somehow.

I've already configured my first order for my shop. :) Picked out the colors and what I'm going to do/make. And I've decided that I'm going to just use my flat iron for now, since it was about $40, and will cost MAYBE $50 to replace if it dies. But steamers in the price range all have reviews about manufacturer defects that haven't seem to have been taken care of.

I also keep forgetting that Michael owes me a little money, and my dad is giving me a little... so I will be able to pay for my car until I get a job :D Huge sigh of relief, right?

XoXo,
S

Confidence.

Today I found out that the reason I'm not getting more in loans is because I'm still a freshman. I'm still a freshman because I can't afford to go full time. See my frustration?

I have 13 credit hours currently. I'm signed up for 9 this fall, and I need 30 to be considered a sophomore (which will only get me an extra $1000 in loans, but it's better than nothing I guess.)

I have to retake my algebra class this fall because my grade was a D, and I want at least a B before I move to the next level because I'm required to get a C in that class to graduate. I'm retaking it now instead of later because we're still using the same book, so I'm saving $112 on that front, and if I pass with a B, I can sell this book in the spring because it'll still be in use for that semester. This is good financially, however it also means I will either be 3 credits short of being a sophomore next semester if I only take 9 credits then as well. I'll have to take 12 credit hours despite having the financial aid for only 6.

I'm actually strongly relying on myself to get my business started so I can save money. It's weird. I believe in myself though. :) For like $100 I can get this all started. I can do this, and I believe in myself. I have to make $2000 SOON. I can always take summer classes, actually. I want to to take Com114 in the summer anyway because it's going to be filled with public speaking and the thought makes me sick so I want to do it in 6 weeks instead of 3 months. Plenty of time to come up with the money.

I need to sell 20-25 sets of dread falls to make $1000, and I'll have to reinvest some of that money to continue to make more. I actually don't know if I can do THAT many sales in so few months, but I have to try, right?

XoXo,
S

ps, my boyfriend was accepted into the university of Seattle. I'm applying online. If we're accepted we may be going there in the spring time :)

Classes

So, I've officially become so stressed out the issues with my arm hurting are back.

I've rearranged my schedule so that I'm taking math (I just need to renew My Math Labs) the composition class that I already have a book for and a 6 hour long drawing class on saturday that will make me hate art and will eventually cost me as much as a book, just not upfront.

XoXo,
S

Loans

I was excited about classes this fall. SO excited. I was starting German, I got into my Gender and Violence in Pop Culture class (which is offered every year, and only has like one class. I made it in though.) I was going to brush up on my composition skills to improve my writing for my WOST classes and I was going to  PASS my algebra class with at least a B this time.

And then I only get about $2500 worth of loans for the fall. You know, that doesn't even pay for my classes, let alone my books. Even with me having my my algebra book already. Books for the pop culture class total about $200, and all the materials for German were about the same. I still need a $100 program called My Math Labs for the math class and then whatever book I'd need for composition.

I was starting to feel really good about everything. Everything seemed like it was being put in place... And now it's all fucked up because our government doesn't want to help kids go to school. I'll be getting about $1000 from my dad, but that's to pay my car payment and keep up with the oil changes and washing. I was all ready to cut down my work schedule and buckle down and get school taken care of finally. Why does this shit keep happening to me? I was ready to take this on. I finally had academic confidence and now I don't even get the chance to do it all.

Obviously I have to keep my math class because by next year they'll have different books. And I need to get more basic classes out of the way so I'll bump myself up to the next level of composition and spend my extra free time working on that. Fuck, I wanted my Pop Culture class. The book list looked amazing.

I'm too depressed to finish this and the schools internet keeps going down so I'm going to post while I can.

XoXo,
S

SImplicity

I have a big question I've been needing to ask for a while now. How the fuck do you actually use CS4's Photoshop? No, really. Nothing is labeled. Nothing is simple. I wanted to turn something black and white and it took me probably 10 minutes to find where THAT option was. ._. Flash was so easy to use, why would photoshop be SO difficult? I want to make vector images that are just traced over a photo (because I can't draw, don't have a tablet and just want a damn picture I have to be a drawing that ISN'T from one of those fucking filters) and nothing makes sense still. And tutorials for photoshop make about as much sense to me. Again, tutorials for Flash were easy enough to understand. I even eventually figured out other problems with nothing but Google. So why is Photoshop so hard?

:P I'm not actually angry or anything. I got the package deal from my school for $20, but I'd like to be able to make my own images. Pretty ones. I need to make a banner for my website, a banner for my other blog, and just some pretty images for use in other things (like future flash games or whatever.)

CS4 Photoshop Y U NO SIMPLE?

XoXo,
S

(I've also finally decided to make and sell things. Officially. Maybe on Etsy, probably on eBay and I'm going to have a website that isn't me being narcissistic like all my websites in high school. My boyfriend actually supports this, and is planning on helping me with the site. He's got a big work load this year just like me, but if I kinda do a mock up and have him make it actually look good it takes the tension off of both of us.)

ass patting

I got a new job. I left my old one. I don't like my new job so I quit about 2 weeks later. I'm unemployed. My brother said he'd get me back in at Wendy's. Kent may not like it, but fuck if I'm quitting again any time soon. I worked full time for two years and minimum wage (and 3 years part time, same pay, before that.) and all I want are some part time hours to get me by with money. I applied for a lot of places, hopefully some of them call back. I'd be happier to work 25-30 odd hours a week at two jobs than 30-40 at one. And if after a while, one is more seriously interested in me than the other, I can probably get a pay raise and cut my hours at the other one even more.

Now that I think about it, how many people do I know personally from wendy's that have left at least once and still work there now/worked there again for at least a year... Almost everyone I know. Including a few people who were/are assistant managers, co managers and crew leaders.

I'm asking for about a 1-2 quarter raise, though. We're supposed to get at LEAST a nickle raise every 6 months. I think that makes up for the raises I haven't gotten, and we all know I won't get another one any time soon. :\

I want to get back into the crafty things I used to do. I made like 6 dread falls (individual falls, not sets.) and if I got a $30 steamer I could do more. The hair only cost like $3 a pack, and 3 packs can make a set that I can sell for at LEAST $30. I can fucking sew for christ sake. I even have a surger that I can finish edges with if I really want to look less like an amateur. I can do a lot of things, and I'm tired of putting myself down and not giving myself any credit just because I'm too self conscious to realize I'm worth something. I AM. I'm worth a fucking lot. How adorable were the plushies I made? so cute you could DIE. Imagine if I used fleece instead of felt? and learned to efficiently sew by hand?

Bottom line is, I need to stop thinking about all the things I'm not good at, everything I haven't accomplished (yet) and everything I'm not good at, because they don't define me. :)

And you know what? I'm quiet. I'm shy. I would definitely like to be a little more outspoken, but I also value my personality. I dislike loud people, why should I strive to be like them just because other people can't be bothered to get to know me unless I shout my likes and dislikes at them?

I'm feeling pumped up

XoXo,

S

Flash Shit

lately deviantart has been bothering me. I'm mostly there for the forums anymore, because I have nothing to submit. I finally have something to submit (a flash based dress up game I made) and it won't upload, so I send my ticket to the help desk and go to complaints... It's the forum I'm normally on, and I was frustrated so I complained about it. :\ apparently it wasn't filled with enough whining because it was then locked and I was deemed as "looking for help"

Sorry, but I've been on the forums for a good 4 or 5 years now. I know what complaints is. I wouldn't put a question, especially regarding a program like flash and that made me look like an idiot, into complaints... Especially if I'm not complaining. If it weren't for the fact that the only place I can go to submit stuff like that was New Grounds (and they don't want a shitty 3 outfit dress up game) I'd just give up. Why do I keep bothering?

I have to go to bed soon. I have my first day tomorrow. Fuck, things are going badly right now. And my fucking boyfriend is anything but helpful and supportive. As usual.

XoXo,

S (gonna go sit in a bathroom and cry for a bit)

Why I don't care

That the girl was found not guilty in the Casey Anthony trial.

Because when you pick apart shit like that, you can make anything to mean anything. There are weird people out there. You don't know how you'd act in that situation unless you've been in it, and that doesn't mean you'd know how someone else would act. A kid dying doesn't mean that you have to blame the only person currently available to put blame on. And it's difficult for me, as a reasonable person (ie, NOT someone who goes "but it was a baaaby :'( someone has to pay for this!!!1!one) I can't claim that there wasn't something mentally wrong with her that could have caused her to do something terrible like kill a child, if that's what happened.

I have a soft spot for parent's who have post traumatic stress and other various mental stressers that hinder their ability to parent properly. It happens. Is the person still to blame? Yes. Does it still pull at my heart a little to see that kind of death happen? Yes. But is it the same thing as someone plotting and murdering someone? No. Should it be handled the same way? No. Does this mean she's just a crazy murderer who will strike again? No. And will she be treated differently for the rest of her life due to this? Yes. She'll face ridicule for the rest of her life.

Mostly, I just don't care about the verdict, because people die every day. Children die every day. Death, murder, suicide. It fucking happens and it's sad but to some degree that's just life and you deal. People who bullied the gay kids until they were murdered aren't going to spend the rest of their lives in prison. It's not going to effect them for the rest of their lives. What they did means nothing. But if it's a tiny kid that dies? Oh, now it's a big deal. :\ <-- unimpressed.

Either value all human life, or none.

XoXo,

S

health

ebay is literally both the reason I'm able to keep going (aka, BUY THINGS) and the bane of my existence. I pair of knee high classic-colored converse for $15 less than store price BRAND NEW?! Honestly, I'd wear them under my pants 99.9% of the time. But I want them anyway. And they're sexy. And I'm a big high schooler at heart.

Speaking of me never growing up... Hot Topic was having a sale that was so retardedly cheap that I actually was a little giddy over it. No, seriously, I'm talking wallets for $3, headbands for $1.50. SHOES FOR $10. I didn't buy anything, but I touched everything in the entire store in like 5 minutes because I have shopping ADD as it is.

When school money comes in, I'm doing two things. Buying a pair of classic black high tops so I can match more outfits than my pink ones can (and I'm buying those from eBay, because it's cheaper by a LOT.) and a pair of white chucks and some of those new sharpie fabric staining markers. Or any type of white canvas shoes. Also, I'll be getting from ebay. Because it's a good fucking deal.

I'm still surprised at people's reactions to my chest piece. I know it's fucking BIG and in your face if my top is low, but I'm really used to it, you know? I had a "maybe this was a mistake" phase over it, believe it or not... Back when I was with Brandon, even. But fuck, it's a big beautiful work of art, you know? It's a part of me. How can I not love it? My leg tattoo is on the ugly side, but when I think of what it means to me? I can't think of something better to have there. If I ever make it to the "professional" world (and wear pants every day) I'm getting that whole leg done up. Sunflowers and astronauts. I think there are sections of skin I want to leave bare. Like, I have tattoos on my left leg, so I want it to be done up. And I have one on my right foot, so I want to pretty it up to my ankle is different pieces (but not full colored, no backgrounds for the foot, I think.) and I want to continue my chest piece onto my left shoulder, and incorporate it into my shouldblade and do a quarter sleeve on that side. But leave a lot open. Maybe for smaller pieces in the future, maybe to be bare forever. I don't know.

But I'm getting some high-necked nude, black, and grey shirts. Something that goes above my collar bone, can be tucked in to my pants, and have short sleeves that I can put nice shirts over. I want money. I want to indulge in my out-of-work subcultural lifestyle. I want more fucking tattoos. I'm not getting there at wendy's. I'm not going to get there at any of these jobs. I still think I'll wear a wig before I give up my hair though. Or find strategic ways to hide color. Maybe get the "fake bangs" or whatever. Speaking of my hair, I haven't been dying it or straightening it because I'm too poor. It;s feeling healthy, and looking longer. Front is almost chin length, and the back is the same length but in layers. Give it til the end of the year and I'll almost be shoulder length again, and long enough for extensions. If I can get my hair into a pony tail, I can dye the ends weird, and put it in a bun and clip a normal colored ponytail over it. :P

MY HAIR IS GETTING LONG. And fairly healthy due to lack of blowdrying and straightening. YES.

XoXo,
S

(a fairly long winded post about myself because I haven't had a good one of these in a long time.

easy

I accidentally paid for pokemon blue 3 times. The guy was great about refunding two of my payments. I love when mistakes get taken care without issues.

XoXo,

S

Well...

It doesn't happen often, but I genuinely feel bad about my second to last post. Because, I really love my boyfriend, and we're both individually going through rough times financially, and putting two grumpy people together who are in different age groups from different backgrounds and all this shit happens.

And we keep on trying to work it out. Hopefully we find our middle ground.

Love is a shitty thing, really. But I love it.

XoXo,
S

Aoi

I almost feel like I should be mad at myself. Money is fucking tight right now, and I'm on ebay. I BOUGHT THINGS. But damn, I need to treat myself sometimes :( And we're pretty sure michael got the job. As long as the budget allows him to work there (and they wouldn't be interviewing if they didn't think they could bring him on.) he has it. So our money troubles won't be killing us soon.

I got the Japanese version of Pokemon Blue. Pocket Monsters Aoi. I've wanted this since I was a fucking kid playing blue on my brothers gameboy pocket... Which I used to have, but somehow lost as soon as I got it. It was never seen again. :( I'm also bidding on one of those. A green one. my high bid is $5, though, and shipping is $10. I figured I won't win, but if I can get it it'll only be $15 and I'd wet myself with joy.

And Aoi? It was $17.99, free shipping, or best offer. I offered $10... they counter offered $15. I took it. I actually prefer bartering to bidding. I mean, I got it for $4 less than the buy price. It's also fully funtional, saves and plays or my money back. Good deal, right? :D

I feel like a little kid sometimes. But I like it, because unlike when I was a child, the things I want aren't unobtainable. And it makes me feel happier, even if it's only temporary.

XoXo,

S

On love

"You know why people get addicted to coke? The first time you do it is fucking amazing. Blows your fucking mind, and then you come down and feel like shit so you want more. The second time is okay. Not as good, just okay. Maybe it'll be better if you have more... and more... but the high just gets shorter and the crash gets worse and what you never realize is that it will NEVER be as good as your first time."

That is some deep shit for a comic called cheer up emo kid. And oddly true. I understand a lot about the relationship I used to have with brandon. and the shit we put each other through. And how terrible is was. But, the first love is the one you remember the most, isn't it? I still can't bring myself to hate him, which is why I stay away like he has the plague (probably does.) but it never stops me from wondering if he's okay, and hoping his life gets in better order some day. Fuck those thoughts.

XoXo,

S

http://www.cheerupemokid.net/comic/2009/11/16/absence-2

GFY. Or a few things that are weighing on my mind right now.

I feel sick with stress. Or it's cramps. I haven't been keeping track of that. At least I'm payed today in case I have to go buy tampons, cuz I sure as hell don't have any right now.

Every time I try to move my life forward, something holds me back. mostly it's money. Sometimes it's people. Sometimes it's people I rely on because THEY don't have the money or feel too good to do something we planned on doing. (Like how I was told I could have friends over once we move into an apartment, since I'm never allowed to go out without HIM... And then today I'm told "well... I really don't want people using my furniture and ruining it. It's really nice and expensive furniture." (because apparently a couches main purpose isn't to be sat it. It's to look pretty in the room. The more you spend, the less durable it is. right. [really, I know it's just more of this "your friends are trying to get you to break uuuuup" shit. The people I know didn't give a shit that I was dating him until he stopped me from going to see anyone EVER. And now they're just annoyed. they still don't actually care.])

Maybe I feel kinda sick because I haven't been eating more than once a day. We can't afford to. I only make $600 a month. Add gas costs, and car payments, and then food for two. Not just food for too, eating out. Because even when we have food some people just don't feel like eating it. Either eat the ramen we got or go fuck yourself because I can't afford another trip to mcdonald's when you can't lower yourself to eating strictly off the dollar menu.

Maybe I feel sick because I work late at my job every night, because those are the hours I'm scheduled and those are the hours I like. I'd rather be up til 4 am, and sleep til 11. I'm comfortable at those hours. Those hours make me happy. HOWEVER, for some reason though, my non-conventional hours must mean I'm lazy, and clearly I should have to wake up at 8am because HE does, even if I was at work til 2 a.m. and up til 4 getting other things taken care of. My schedule should clearly revolve around his.

Maybe it's because every time we go to the mall just to get out of the house, and I see something pretty or something I like and say "this is pretty. I like this," I'm told to buy it. Forcing me to say "no, I can't afford it right now." which for some reason is clearly the equivalent of me scream to the whole store that I'm poor? Clearly. Maybe it's just the fact that I am poor? WE are poor. WE don't have money for it. If that bothers you so much, stop telling me to buy things. If it embarrasses you that the only way to get you to shut up about buying something is for me to say I can't afford it, stop telling me to buy shit. We can't afford it. I'm not ashamed. We're still in a recession. A lot of people can't afford to drive to the mall to look at things they can't have. So what if you used to be able to spend money like it was nothing. I know it hurts to hear it, but shits not like that anymore. Leave me and my shitty job alone or go fuck yourself, because it's all we have. I cherish my job every shitty hour I have to work with every jackass who comes in and every day I have to work with the managers I don't like. Because I have a job. I have some money. I occasionally get to splurge on clothes, and most of all because some people would give anything to get a job that gives them as many hours as mine does, and I only get 25-30 a week.

OR maybe I feel sick because of the stupidity of the question "why would a guy want to be friends with you if he knew you had a boyfriend." Geez, idk, to be friends? I fucking guess that guys only want to screw you. Fuck friendship. If anything, that speaks more for YOUR personal beliefs than others. Why are YOU friends with a few girls if you think the only reason a guy wants to be a girls friend is to fuck her? Exactly. So shut the fuck up, you hypocritical jack ass.

My happiness> anything else. Screw your happiness when it involves taking away from mine. Screw what you want if it means me never having what I want. And when you don't like the clothes I'm wearing you can, of course, go fuck yourself, because you don't fit the ideal I have about what attractive men should wear. I knew that when I got involved and accepted that. I was pretty deep into a grunge/punk phase when we started dating. I'm wearing a fucking pink shirt today, and white heart shaped glasses. My fashion changes a lot. You don't like any of it unless you picked it all out for me like a parent laying it's kids clothes out for school. Go fuck yourself. Relationships ARE about compromise, but compromise doesn't mean 100% one persons way or the others. It means everyone suffers. If I start wearing the hideous shit you pick out for me (that looks like something a 40 year old business woman would wear. barf.) then you can start strictly shopping at hot topic, because I think guys in tighter pants and black band shirts are hot. If I can't get anymore tattoos, you HAVE to get some. And I have to pick them, of course. Since I guess we're shaping each other to fit our own visual standards in a partner.

XoXo,

Go fuck yourself,

S

passing

feeling like i have knots in my stomach. I just feel... like I need to be alone. move far away. be a broke ass unhappy artist in a shitty studio apartment in a shady neighborhood.

Like, packing up and leaving with no plan. That's the life I've always wanted to live...

:( I guess I'll just wait for this to pass.

XoXo,

S

more money

IF I can make $10/hr I can live happily on my own in the most expensive highest level studio apartment with $210 left over every month (at which point I'll just take the 499/month apartment on a lower floor) but that's really not a realistic way to live.. But that's including my car payment. And not including loan money for school. Okay, I'm just trying really hard to make this all work out even though it won't.

I hate admitting this considering how much I long for close knit relationships, but I really need to be on my own, and in complete control of everything in my life, even if the situation is complete shit. Applied for a different pepsi job, that only pays about $10 an hour. It's just not good enough. The WOST department needed someone working about 12 hours a week for them, but only if you have work study funds. I don't.

Getting the oil in my car changed for the first time today. It's free, at least.

Wisdom teeth being pulled in 2 weeks from today. Going to cost about $300 or more after insurance.

Rib-fest is this week. I don't know where the hell I'm going to get the money for it from, but dammit I will find a way!

XoXo,

S

down

Just got an e-mail from pepsi saying the position got filled. Didn't even get an interview. It's the first job I've actually applied for since Wendy's. Kinda sucks. :(

Been all around depressed lately. Thinking about dying my hair black, but a girl I really don't like from work just did (except it looks terrible on her, and I already know I look good with it... but whatevs)

I'm physically exhausted, and I'm feeling sick and shitty from it. Just want to curl up and sleep even more even though I've already slept plenty today. But in my defense, I was up til 2AM at work, and then I couldn't sleep so I was awake even longer. Tonight is just a dining room close, luckily. Hopefully not with Frank. Denis, Kim and Joel are all cool to close with, but Frank is just an ass hole and I'll spend my whole night feeling shitty.

But I've been feeling shitty anyway. My friends aren't my friends, my new coworkers aren't my friends... My boyfriend wants to get married and have kids and I really just don't. I'm stuck at wendy's... but at least I'm being evaluated soon, so I'll hopefully get a raise soon. Doubtful. But maybe.

XoXo,
S

The Future and what it holds

I just used an excel spread sheet for the first time since middle school when we learned how to do it. It's still just that easy. I figured it out in 5 seconds.

I also now know that after taxes (which is aprox 1-2 dollars less per hour than what you make) I need about $10 per hour (11-12 BEFORE taxes) if i want to be able to live my lavish 1 bedroom 3 rivers vanderbilt-floor plan huge windowed view-of-the-city apartment dream. Leaving me with $370 after my bills and gas, but not including food. I applied for a job that will get me $13 an hour after taxes, and that would almost leave me with $1000 every month after all the bills. I still won't get my hopes up, but I really want that job. Not just the pay, I want to learn to do more things. I want to have SOME skills. Even forklift driving is a pretty great skill to have.

My boss told me today that evaluations are in 2 weeks, meaning possible raises in two weeks. I think the best I could hope for from them is $8 an hour. I KNOW I deserve better, I've dedicated a good part of my time and life to that store. But that's what I'll get. So about $7 after taxes. Not enough for anything after bills. I'd starve. I could downgrade my living, which would get me $200 extra a month, but what can I save, then? Saving is IMPORTANT.

Sadly, if I don't get the jobs I've been looking at, I'll have to get a second one in addition to school. I don't think I can handle it and my grades will reflect the hours a week I'll be working.

I'm stressed. I'm tired. I'm feeling terrible about myself. I'm going to try to dig myself out. Wish me luck :)

XoXo,

S

change?

I'm kinda in the mood to just sit and think about my problems and cry. Cry a LOT and let it motivate me to move on.

I keep trying. I keep not going anywhere. I keep on having to deal with the same BS.

XoXo,

S

Factories.

Post #500 WOW.

I just requested an interview with a local Pepsi Factory. I won't say I've been reduced to factory work, but I will say that it sucks that the only way to make money or get a job right now is to work at a damn factory. I've made minimum wage while showing a ridiculous amount of dedication to Wendy's for the last 5 years. Literally, it's 5 years this month. I've gotten NOTHING from them. NOTHING. My hours vary (though, rarely dip below 25, but that's just referring to my current location) and not just in amount. WHEN I work varies. Usually at night. But not always closes. I was hired as a dining room closer so why am I not closing dining room?

Also, factories are usually super lax on dress. They may have a uniform, and I may have to take my lip ring out, but the chances of not being able to have fabulous hair and painted nails seems slim. And the lifting would be great for my body and dieting.

If I get the job, it's going to be great, and it's also going to suck. Good money, full time, but also while going to school and I get the feeling it'll piss Michael off. I'm starting to not care. I could afford my own place with this pay. A decent view of the city from a one bedroom at 3 rivers.

XoXo,
S

a few things to get off my chest.

I feel like I've been running in circles for a while now.

I'm looking for a job that pays at least $8 an hour, because it's impossible for one person to live on minimum wage, let alone two people (which shouldn't be happening, but what the hell ever.)I'm tired of being yelled at about where all my money is going when it's all going to gas and food for two fucking people. I can barely support myself, let alone a bottomless pit that's never happy with what I can give. It's not even cheaper to buy groceries. Instead of going to McDonald's a few weeks ago, we decided to go to the grocery store, where I ended up having to buy $20 steaks, and a $30 bottle of wine (because he'd "rather have a nice bottle of wine than eat." Well, guess what, I need FOOD.) so I ended up spending $40 more than if we'd just gotten a fucking big mac.

I understand that you get used to the lifestyle you were raised with but being adaptable is a big deal when you don't have the money to go a bar that charges $20 for fucking fish n' chips. And $10 a drink. I'd love to be able to do that too. It sounds like something fun to do on a weekly basis but that doesn't mean that you CAN. We can't.

The basis that you determine things from can be crazy. I won't shop at CVS anywhere because I was once accused of stealing when trying out the free samples of make-up on display. It was based entirely on how I was dressed. I also don't go to Maurice's because they follow me around the store, asking me if I need help every time I touch something even though I told them more than once that I'm just looking. Again, because of how I looked to them (except on this occasion it was because I looked poor, not because I looked like a "goth" )

However, saying that we can't live in a certain area because we don't have hundreds of dollars to blow on nightlife? Fuck that. I loved the view from that apartment building. If the only thing I ever got to do was walk around town (FREE) and look out and view the city from the apartment (also kinda free, besides costs of the apartment) I'll be happy. I don't need to go buy an expensive new outfit to go to a club and I don't need overpriced pub food. My taste buds aren't as "advanced" as you're I guess, but greasy fish tastes like greasy fish, and a bed of lettuce with dressing on it tastes the same until you start getting into the expensive ingredients that can be put on it... Which they don't do. $100 in food for one night, or eat for a week anywhere else. Why is that a hard choice?

I like shopping, I like browsing, but I don't like buying. I think its selfish and wasteful of me to buy everything I want. And, wanting something doesn't mean I'll use it or that it'll look good on me. Why get angry at me because I don't buy something I like? As in, why get legitimately MAD because I go to the mall, look at everything and only buy something to eat for the trip? When it's your money you can do with it as you please, but I prefer to keep mine longer than payday. You know, on account of a minimum wage job and 30 hours a week.

And yes, the Jesus of Suburbia look is a hipster thing. There's a shit load of sub-categories to every subculture. Emo, goth, punk, skater, ravers, scene and hipsters. All different sub-cultures with 100 different ways to take claim to a part of the subculture. Subculture is what I know. It's how I grew up and it remains part of my life. Yeah, you may have been a pseudo-skater in high school, and your a pseudo hipster now, but that doesn't mean you know everything about the culture. You can't survive as a high class corporate world jack-ass for as long as you did and still make claim to that past like a badge of honor while you bitch about everyone who skates now. If they're all white trash, then so were you. Deal with it.

XoXo,

S