Baby Firefly

I just found out that Gaia Online (my cutesy little anime game, that I haven't been keeping up with lately) had taken away all tobacco products from their shops.

I only found out because of the apology they put up about it and them putting the items back IN the shop...

I'm a little disappointed that this even happened... being the cigarette sympathizer I am. And having the Cig, and being a huge fan of the Long Drag. They're a part of fucking culture!

It's taken care of though. So no need to rant.

I'm going to be growing my hair out :) for real. And really really long

Like Sheri Moon Zombie long. As Baby, with pretty little curls, because my hair does that naturally.

Of course, my hair isn't even... idk, an inch long. But I'll manage. Probably grows about an inch or so every few months. Should take about a year or so :\ I'll have to keep strong. Cuz... Yeah. more than 2 months without over-dying or changing my hair? Ffffffffffffff. This is gonna suck.

I CAN DO IT.

XoXo
S

the Jeep Song

Hopefully about to have a good weekend.

Got myself a Lomography Action Sampler camera. 4 lens.

Cost about $55 and came with 10 rolls of 35mm film to get me started :D I can't wait to get it.

My mood is evening out a LOT now. hope it stays that way. At least for a while.

Listening to AFP has definitely been helping.







Haven't been wearing my old faded black pants lately due to a hole near a pocket, and needing to wear black underwear. Put them on for the day, and holy shit, I found about $14 in the pocket. :)

Life is good.

XoXo
s

again

And now, as if nothing has happened, I feel right again.

wtf if wrong with me?

At least I know that this isn't my heart that's in the wrong place, it's my fucking head.








fml.
XoXo

wtf

Why doesn't anything feel right?

I just want to feel right again.

I hate my jealousy.

I hate that I can't accept you.

I hate that I can't accept myself.

I hate that there's something wrong with me, and

I hate that it hurts you even though you didn't do anything wrong.

I hate that I can't fix it.

I hate that I can't control it without losing part of myself along with it.

I hate that there's something wrong with me that I don't quite understand.

I hate not understanding.

I'm tired of all the pressure in my head.

I need to take the edge off of life. Feel normal.

XoXo

up up up :D

After feeling really taken apart. Starting to feel so overwhelmed that I couldn't take anymore of whatever it was that was pressuring my mind... Well, I was brought back down to earth :) Thank god for having a close friend again. I'm afraid of myself when I get like that, and it hasn't happened in a while.

Life is looking up, hopefully for a while.

Let's have a run down of the last 3 days.
Monday: pinched my finger in the ladder. It bled, and the ladder was dirty so it stung. Randomly stressed out day, ending with me deciding to get a head start on cleaning the oven just to get a large, long burn on my wrist from the hot oven rack. It didn't blister but it hurt like a bitch, and hurts just as badly as it heals.

Tuesday: cut my finger open on a staple that helped hold together a headset that I use almost every day. I never had problems with it before... but I'm not happy with the dumbass who made the bottoms of the staples face outwards. Then, I got to Wal-Mart and went to the bathroom just to realize the crotch of my pants were ripped. They weren't when I left the house so who knows when it happened. Luckily, it was in the spot that it probably wasn't visible (at least I hope not... if it were I'm sure someone would have told me...) but it was at least a quick fix, I had safety pins on my underwear :) I'm as prepared as a boyscout.

Wednesday: (today) woke up early for once, but with a headache so bad that I was nearly imobalized. Add to that a stomach ach that was comparable to the cramps I get on my period. FUCK THAT. Took some Excedrin, went back to sleep, felt better when I woke up but barely made it to work on time... Did I mention was 5 minutes late Monday AND Tuesday? fml.

Then I was going into that mood. Dark and empty. The people I work with don't make it any easier (jesus fucking christ I hate skanks) but thankfully I was pulled out of it. I think this week will be looking up from here on out. I even found hypo-allergenic bandaides at Walgreen's that I can use on all of my cuts and burns. and having ointments means the burn won't scar too badly. BA :D

Oh, I dyed my hair... and I missed a few spots with the black Dx and I feel like a generic psedo-rebelious middle schooler. But I'll survive. :) $2 buys some cheap black dye that will at least make it not look blond :D

Because It Makes Me Feel Like an Artist

I went through all my webcam shots today. Made me feel a little better about my lacking of artist flow lately.

wtf, self.

I'm going to go see that alien movie with Brad today. (: Best manager ever.

Feeling on and off all week. Don't know why. I'd like to blame seasonal depression. I think I will, just because it's easier to deal with feeling down when there's some reason to it.

I have realized lately that I always seem to be a little on edge. Why? Who the hell knows. I don't feel especially stressed out (quite the contrary, besides my car dying I'm having no problems with bills or friends) but it seems like if I really wanted to, I could just break down and cry at any give thing. It's that feeling around your eyes where you know that you could just let go and cry at any thing, but you don't because you know it doesn't actually bother you.

What the hell.

XoXo

Disconnection

Disconnection used to be a god send. A temporary freedom from whatever it was that I was going through. Or maybe I just remember wrong. It's like things just aren't clicking, nothing is processing right. I'm trying to reconnect everything, but it just isn't fucking working and I'm tired of the constant pressure and numbness and how hard it is for me to sleep and function.

The weather doesn't help, I hate the winter.

When was the last time I felt right? I can't even readjust to myself enough to enjoy the things I used to. Or, anything really.

Fuck, I used to blog once every day, sometimes twice. I haven't even been able to do that.

I need to go take pictures. I need my model back. I need my life to be put back in order.

I miss Indy. I need the city. Jacob said we could move to Fort Wayne when he got back from basic. Too bad it's not now. I think it's what I need.

XoXo