Suuuurgery and insurance and feeling self conscious

So I've been thinking about my right eye ptosis thing lately. 

And it just. I don't know when it started but when it did it just punched me in the face (almost literally, right?) somewhere in high school and it got slightly worse after. Now instead of just being noticeable when I'm having a photo taken with flash it literally always looks droopy. 

Hopefully at this point it's considered a medical issue and insurance that I get in January through my job will cover part of it. 

I can literally feel it. 

XoXo

S

Reading romance and being Grey A

I was particularly fond of Anita Blake in the early books because she had no interest in Jean-Claude (or, she had dirty thoughts but didn't want to act on them) and her story love interest actually didn't play a huge role. It was there. It was a PART of it, but it wasn't what the story revolved around and it was minimally important in the book. 

The more prominent it became and the more sex became a theme I just kinda trailed off and lost the connection. 

Being asexual makes reading hard when there's a huge portion of sex in the plot. I kinda get the romance the the tease and the build up, but not sexually. So when it gets to the point I just feel disconnected from the characters. :\ 

Can someone rewrite like book 7 and after with less sex and less importance of sexual tension so I can enjoy the plot? 

I need a long book series damn it.

XoXo, 

S

JFC

My parents have been divorced for over a year now and they live together again but aren't together. It's so shitty. They both expect the other to behave like they're married in different aspects. 

But they're they same ways that they disappointed each other when they WERE married. 

And it just irritates me so much when dad thinks mom is suddenly going to become a homemaker. And when mom thinks dad is going to suddenly going to tell her where he's at or call her. 

Literally they have never been different than this in my lifetime, what makes them think either of them will change, especially if THEY HAVE NOT CHANGED THEMSELVES. 

Move on guys. Move on. 

XoXo,

S

A message to my ex

I didn't make you stop listening to the music you liked or the shows you liked. You were literally just too lazy to do that in your free time. 

We worked different shifts. I had to take you to work so I missed out on doing anything unless I wanted to waste gas (because you have no concept of gas usage and filling my tank once every other week didn't cut it). I literally gave up my free time and spent it sitting at Wendy's waiting to work because you felt like you couldn't live without being at my house. But yeah, sure, I didn't let you watch your shows or listen to your music. Especially not after you got off work at went home to your own place. 

No, you spent that time drinking and playing video games and bringing more bed bugs home. 

Not sorry that, after a day of spending 10+ hours at Wendy's, I wanted us to watch something we both liked instead of the shallow generic shit you watch. (You claim to be a feminist and yet you defend fanservice as if those drawn and made up characters use panty shots to feel empowered. There's nothing empowering to a real life woman about a man sitting in his studio and drawing nothing but tits that can't physically fit into their tops irl and drawing upskirt shots of young women.)

Aaaand considering I was the only one who could drive, yeah we listened to my fucking music. I have driving anxiety. Listening to music I like and am familiar with helps a little. 

JFC I defended you and your lazy unmotivated ass constantly. I outgrew you the first time we dated, I was just miserable and looking for something familiar after Michael. Yeah, that's my fault. But I haven't been sitting around and blaming you for me changing. Sorry I accidentally forced you to grow a bit as a person, please do revert back to the incompetent man child you were. 

Being a cat lady

I talk about my cats like some people talk about their kids. 

And when some people bring up their kids I probably have a similar story about my cats. 

But people give me looks. Some are dirty looks (like how dare I compare my cat to their kid even though they're doing almost the exact same thing) or this smug smile like I'm so delusional and I can't possibly understand the wonders of children and I'm just deluding myself with the whole cat thing. 

When my aunt was pregnant the first time she wished she could give birth to a litter of kittens instead. Even though she loves her kids her pets are still considered family. 

If you don't think your pet is a like a child you don't need to be having a pet. I'm not saying you need to choose what's best for a dog over what's best for your baby (THAT is crazy) but you should have overbearing maternal instincts from them. You should care about them like they're as important as humans. Because they kinda are. 

XoXo,

S

Yesterday I took a friend to her photoshoot. They're actually really boring I'd you aren't the model or photographer. But i like helping people out and it was cool to see. I should have been a little more directive with models when I used to try photogrphy. But tv and all that always makes it look like you just take pictures while a model randomly picks poses. 

Nope. 

Then I had a shadow of a migraine. The "aura" but that's normal. 

Went to get a tattoo. It only took an hour and it's gorgeous. But my migraine did an ultra progression and for the first time ever I threw up not once, but 3 times. Every time I drank water. Every time I took pills. Half of what I threw up occurred when my stomach was dry. Throwing up food with no stomach acids is fucking awful. 

And I contemplated going to the hospital but I can't afford a couple grand just to maybe get an IV and maybe a Tylenol. 

And I still have a headache today. But I'm eating and drinking just fine. 

Aaron drove me home so I can't go get more A&D for my tattoo OR excedrin or even have my yarn that I left in my car. I couldn't drive myself though on account of light sensitivity and throwing up a lot. 

Fuck my day. It was awesome and really awful at the same time. 

XoXo,

S

I always listen, but I speak to deaf ears.

Jesus fucking Christ, you're literally supposed to be the person I can talk to and open up with. But you don't even let me. 

It's like I get to the thesis statement of my research paper and you disliked my wording or punctuation or you just don't care for the subject so you write a contradictory remark and give it an f. 

And god forbid I try to argue this grade with you. God forbid I try to bring up this whole idea and try to explain my paper to you and why you should read it. You'll just repeat that remark. 

It's not even maliciously. Maybe you think you're being cute or flirty. But it ISNT a research paper. They're my thoughts and feelings and things that I want to share with you. I don't open up to many people. I don't even try. And you just shoot me down when I try with you. 

The one person who is supposed to listen. 

The difference between Internet memes and statistics/facts

(I wrote this before my last post but my phone never publishes from home?)

I really hate when Obama haters post really stupid and factless shit to "prove their point." 

A photo of Obama golfing next to a photo of Bush reading to kids? Yes. I'm sure that Obama never does anything but golf and vacation. Bush never golfed or had fun ever. He always was out doing good deeds which Obama never ever does. This photo is equal to statistics because you put two real photos next to each other. 

So if I take a photo of you on the toilet and put it next to a photo of me working in a homeless shelter and put then next to one another on Facebook it means that I'm a good person always doing good stuff (even though I'm usually watching Netflix) and you just spend your life shitting. It's not even an inaccurate statement since people actually spend a good part of their life on the toilet and maybe I do occasionally help the needy. So yep. I'm a good amazing person and you just shit a lot. 

Yep. Those are facts. 

More Facebook logic.

I get so confused by Facebook sometimes. 

 

Someone shared a post that said that congress should focus on jobs for veterans instead of jobs for illegal aliens. 

How is congress focusing on jobs for illegal aliens? You need a work visa to work here if you aren't a legal citizen. If you have a work visa you aren't an illegal alien. You just aren't a citizen. You're totally legal. You have to be to get it. This will keep looping until you get the point. Congress can't make/find/give jobs to illegal aliens unless it stops being illegal to hire them. As far as I know congress isn't making it legal for illegal people to work nor are the finding jobs for LEGAL immigrants with work visas. (That I'm aware of). 

Maybe if they fall into the category of unemployed. In which case I'm pretty sure veterans are also able to seek help in employment. It's not really a complicated thing to grasp. 

If you want congress to make a special unemployment office for former veterans I'm all for that. Sure. But illegal immigrants have nothing to do with it. They aren't battling for jobs via congress. Bringing immigrants up makes you seem a little... I do to know, racist?

Actually really nervous about next weeks check because of all the times we got sent home early this week. It'll be like 150 short. Going to try to hold back on spending except for gas and food this week so I have some of this left over. Because I owe my dad $300 of that check. And 270 of the one after. Not even sure if I'll get to work next week depending on if they lay off one of the shifts. Hopefully they'd keep 2nd and lay off 3rd but who the hell knows how they decide this stuff. 2nd is the most productive at the moment with the least error so I'd hope we aren't effected. Not fully at least. 

Oh, even with a good paying job you get all sorts of money worries. 

XoXo, 

S

When poor people don't live up to your expectations

You wish you had an iPhone like that girl with food stamps? Have someone in your family who's willing to fucking buy you one. Go in to get a phone when they're having g a good sale. Have an older model to trade in (I bought a 4 off my sister for $50 at Christmas and when I traded it in late spring for a 5, the latest model at the time, and changed my plan to sprint I got the phone for $30. If you can afford a fucking video game or fast food you can afford $80 over the span of 5 months). 

Don't assume that someone who has something you don't just blows money on things. Maybe, just maybe, she doesn't drink Starbucks every day. Maybe she got it to treat herself. Maybe she has a friend who does acrylic nails ( or does them herself, it's not hard). Maybe her purse is a fake and she lied because you were being a harsh judgement piece of shit towards her because she doesn't have a lot of money and you think that means she should be in rags and have a government cell phone. 

I had a phone that wasn't a smart phone for a while. It cost me $200 out of pocket just for the phone, and as much per month as my smart phone and data plan had costed. Plus hidden new phone turn on fees. My iPhone experience took $150 total and that's because I got an otter box and some insurance for my phone. You could easily get the case cheaper and from somewhere else. 

And they sell fake name brand clothes everywhere for as cheap as Walmart shit. And then there's goodwill, where I've found a $60 shirt with the tags still on it for $5. 

Why would you really be so concerned with someone looking like they have money when they don't? Maybe because you're a judgemental piece of shit. Yeah, probably not your sense or moral and social justice. Just you being a bag of dicks. 

Afterthought

I just had a passing thought about my ex Michael.

He used to claim he had seizures whenever I tried to break up with him. At first in the relationship he'd just collapse on the floor, but the day I actually had my bags out the door his eyes rolled back and he had a seizure. 

Or so I thought. But as I sit here (feeling sick to my stomach STILL whenever I think of that disgusting pos) I can't help but feel he faked every one. Because the first time he did it I wasn't sure what to do or what happened so put my head to his chest to see if I could hear a heart beat since he didn't seem to be breathing. But once he "regained consciousness" he was really shitty with me about it. He bitched me out, asking what I thought I'd accomplish by doing it. 

Like, at the time that whole thing was so crazy and I'd never experienced that shit so I didn't even think about it, but if he actually had a seizure and was actually passed out he wouldn't have fucking known I layed my head on his chest to begin with. 

Was he faking to see if I cared enough to call 911? Was he faking to guilt me into staying? both, probably. He liked to test me constantly. And there was never a right thing to do so obviously I always failed no matter what. 

But I was just thinking about this so I thought I'd write it out. I'm not doing a personal tumblr anymore because too much triggering shit pops up on my dash, but I still have here, where it's just my own bullshit and no one else's. 

XoXo,

S

Why is it... That you only argue with me. You can even disagree with the person I'm arguing with but not bother to step in and aid me with the argument. 

But if I'm trying to say something? You'll go out of your way to miss the point of what I'm saying to pick and and argue over how I said something I said isn't 100% true or my opinion on that trivial thing isn't accurate. You'll ignore the whole point I'm trying to make to do this. Every time. 

But damn, wouldn't want to argue WITH me. 

(Literally only said that legal prostitution was usually cleaner than legal porn, because porn isn't strictly regulated as most are ameteur, and prostitutes in areas that sex work is legal ARE regulated.) 

But no. Clearly I don't deserve to be defended. Not even in this. If I said all prostitution and all porn? Maybe it'd be a different story. But I literally watched a fairly recent documentary on this. But whatever. 

XoXo,

S

I just have this overwhelming need to cry and I hope I don't break down before I get to my car when I'm off work on 4 hours. 

Running and staying

Despite my actual better judgement I've entered into another relationship. But I waited. I waited until I felt okay. I waited until I didn't feel alone anymore and for when I could sleep at night. 

It's been good and simple and he's been really sweet and supportive. He has a knack for making me open up a little. Not a lot, but more than I'd have opened up to any other guy I'd only been dating for like a week. 

He claims he's not really into goth people perse, but that he likes me and he likes my clothes and my hair. Thats something. Something that can't change. 

Still, I know he's crazy about me but I'm treading lightly and he seems to be too. 

I haven't had the fleeting feeling of being overjoyed. I like that. I've just been stable and content for almost 2 weeks. The rise I think is what kills my relationships. Or a shit load of other factors. 

I saw a post on tumblr about how we grow up to the the fix that our parents relationship needed. I fucking get out I'd relationships as soon as they aren't easy, and I kind of think its because I always saw my parents suffering and I knew they weren't happy and even when I was really young I wanted then to split up because I wanted them to be happy. 

Maybe now that I understand why I'm so prone to run I'll be able to work on it and work on relationships when they aren't easy anymore or when they get serious because serious is scary. Idk. 

I just thought I'd throw some thoughts out.

XoXo

S

Running and staying

Despite my actual better judgement I've entered into another relationship. But I waited. I waited until I felt okay. I waited until I didn't feel alone anymore and for when I could sleep at night. 

It's been good and simple and he's been really sweet and supportive. He has a knack for making me open up a little. Not a lot, but more than I'd have opened up to any other guy I'd only been dating for like a week. 

He claims he's not really into goth people perse, but that he likes me and he likes my clothes and my hair. Thats something. Something that can't change. 

Still, I know he's crazy about me but I'm treading lightly and he seems to be too. 

I haven't had the fleeting feeling of being overjoyed. I like that. I've just been stable and content for almost 2 weeks. The rise I think is what kills my relationships. Or a shit load of other factors. 

I saw a post on tumblr about how we grow up to the the fix that our parents relationship needed. I fucking get out I'd relationships as soon as they aren't easy, and I kind of think its because I always saw my parents suffering and I knew they weren't happy and even when I was really young I wanted then to split up because I wanted them to be happy. 

Maybe now that I understand why I'm so prone to run I'll be able to work on it and work on relationships when they aren't easy anymore or when they get serious because serious is scary. Idk. 

I just thought I'd throw some thoughts out.

XoXo

S

Fixing It

I feel so fucking alone. Everything feels wrong. Something is wrong with me.

Why can't I feel good? Why can't I feel anything unless I throw myself into a pit of fucking misery? I can't love people who love me. Why do I only set myself up for hurt? I can't feel good. I can't stand people who like me. I can't stand people who are nice to me. I hate it when I'm treated well.

All I fucking want is affection from people who I either can't stand or don't stand a chance with.

And anyone guy, no matter how uninterested he is in me, gives me a little bit of attention and I fall for him. Instantly. No matter how terrible they are, or how wrong they are for me.

And I don't have friends. Not many. I haven't heard from someone I considered my best friend in probably 6 months. My other close friends are so far up political shit creek I can't even look at them the same way anymore. The girl I know from work didn't reply to my texts. I've only heard from two people in the last month. One of them is a guy who's been trying to fuck me for a while. I have no interest in him. Barely even as a friend because he has shit intentions.

The other is a friend who I haven't even spoken to in a while, but I'm still really grateful that we met. Because even after not talking much for long periods of time she's still there if I am.

But you know, it's still lonely. It still hurts. I'm still afraid to be with myself. I'm feeling so terrible and so awful right now. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix it.

xoxo,
S

Self sabotage.

I don't even know what to do about myself anymore. I hate myself when I'm alone. I hate other people when I'm around them. I get nervous meeting new people and I'm not very outgoing around people I like. When I am I feel like I'm just being annoying and that they'll hate me so i stop talking to them ( and then the people who did like me now think I hate them). 

I saw my friend Lacey's apartment and its gorgeous and they're redoing more in the same building to look similar, but my brother wants me to move into this house in Decatur with him. I'm wanting to do that because it helps him out, but at the same time I can't think of a single thing I like about Decatur. 

But I don't know how I'd do on my own. I'm really uninspired right now. Lonely. I went to a further away Walmart to wonder around so I could be around people. Now I'm just sitting in the parking lot on my phone wishing I had someone to talk to. 

I don't and I know it's my fault. But it doesn't make me any less alone. 

I just sabotage myself every step of the way. 

XoXo,

S

Damn (found this unpublished from earlier this month?)

Can I just like... Be alone forever? 

Date someone who isn't obsessed with video games or who isn't painfully lazy? 

I get that I get behind in things. Sometimes I can't get out of bed. That has nothing to do with me being lazy. I don't like bein awak because I feel so much more when I sleep. Being Awake seems to mean feeling nothing or feelings sadness. I may have a good conversation and I may do something fun and smile or whatever, but literally the moment it's done I just want to go back to sleep because all the joy is gone instantly. 

And now I've just been feeling insecure. And fat and ugly. I feel like everything is wrong with me and I do t want to force other people to be around the huge mess that defines who I am. 

XoXo,

S

Brain mush

I just want to punch you in the mouth... With my mouth. 

GTFO of my brain. I think about you too much. You're being too nice and too sweet. And I don't think it's under the same intentions. And even if it is I don't want to jump into something like this again quite yet. 

But yeah. Out of my head. Now. Thanks. 

XoXo,

S

Connections.

I want to talk to this guy I know. 

But I don't think he's interested and I have nothing to say. I just wanna talk. And have him talk back. 

But I also just got out of a relationship a few days ago. It was long over due, but I know that I need to stay single for a while. I know I'm not quite ready for that yet. But does not being ready to date mean no flirting? Does it even matter because I'm pretty sure he's not interested? 

I hate how my brain works. I just want to talk and connect with people. Even if it brings nothing. 

XoXo

S

Running Away

I'm not okay. 

I feel like I'm drowning again. I feel like everything is wrong. I want to tear down all the walls and break everything and hope that something new grows. 

I was thinking of how I almost ran away 3 years ago before I started college. I had money saved. I found an okay place to crash. I could have had a life changing adventure but I didn't. And I hate myself for it. 

I have no savings. I can't do anything and I'm just really trapped. I've been trying to break up with rob for the last week but I don't know how. I can't live with someone anymore. I just want to be alone but I don't know how to just come out and say it. He's the only friend I really have. But I'm starting to hate him. 

How the duck do I do this? I'm sitting next to him and in my brain I'm just screaming "for the love of god can we just break up already" but how the fuck do I do this? 

XoXo,

S

Thoughts

I get the feeling that everyone hates me a little, and that the people who don't only don't because they don't know me very well yet. 

And I think it's sad that if someone has hundreds if friends is sad, everyone cares and it matters and everyone feels bad, but if someone with no friends complains in the same ways, they're annoying and need to get over it. 

Just some thoughts. 

XoXo

S

My face and My fucking boyfriend

So at work I regularly get comments about my age. I suspect that they're fishing for my exact age most of the time, to see if I can go to bars (and flirt and so on), or just trying to make me feel good.

I cut all my hair off and I've been wearing makeup because I've been feeling down lately about how I look. I looked in the mirror today and for the first time in a long time I felt pretty. I don't look as nice as I used to, but I felt okay about myself.

Then I went to pick up Rob at work, and I have his little 15 year old sister with me. First Rob told me that we were being checked out by some of the boys there. That was the little thing I needed to hear, confirmation that I'm not ugly as fuck like I've been feeling.

Then he continued to say that they thought I was his sister's mom. She's 15. So even if I had her when I was 13, that'd put me at 28. I'm fucking 23. I turn 24 this year.

Who the fuck tells someone that they look old? who hears someone say that their girlfriend looks about twice their age and, not only doesn't get upset over it, but TELLS THEIR FUCKING GIRLFRIEND.

How fucking long do we need to date before he starts acting like a fucking decent human being. When will he learn tack? I want to shave my fucking head and claw my god damn face off. Why the fuck do they let me out of the house?

I feel like eating a box of fucking cookies and then throwing up until I'm thin.

I was having such a good fucking day. I had toyed with the idea of plastic surgery when I got hired in full time, but decided that I loved my nose and that I didn't care if my eyelids were a little heavier and made me look a little older... but no. Fuck. I'm ugly.

XoXo,
S

Asexual doesn't mean no standards.

I feel sick. And I feel terrible. And for no reason I want to curl up and sleep and not wake up for a month. I've had a headache since Tuesday because I started a birth control with headaches as a side effect. 

I've spent a lot of time with robs family lately. I went to Michigan for one if his sisters graduations, and we took another of his sisters home with us for a week to get her out of her dads place. We'll be doing that with all of his sisters through the summer. I freaking love them. 

But I still feel really disconnected from rob. He may be officially moving in soon. I suggested it. It's my fault. But my intentions were for him to save money by not paying rent on dewald because he's rarely there. But now I don't want him to be at my place for long. And I don't want to just leave him and I don't want to ditch his sisters. Especially his youngest who gets screwed out of time with her brother more than any of them. But I feel trapped and I just want to be by myself. And not feel guilty when I go to the bean and see Jon and his friends. Rob can see and hang out with whoever he wants and I don't care. It's him who has the jealousy problem (in the situation of hanging out with the opposite sex friends whom he doesn't know). I realized a long time ago that you can't try to control who others see, and that if they want to cheat or whatever he's paranoid about, they will wether they were given permission to see them or not. 

He also really irritated me when he said that he liked that I was asexual because it meant he didn't have to worry about me "screwing some random guy" behind his back. I'm being finicky, but people don't usually cheat with strangers. Some people are more prone to I guess, but no, it's generally someone they know or got to know. And I can fucking have sex. I'm capable. And I can feel deep emotional connections with people and I can want to have sex with them because of it. I'm in the grey area if asexual. Just because I don't feel sexual attraction to someone I've slept with a few times and dont generally feel sexually driven doesn't mean I can't cheat. I just hate when people feel too content and too secure. Like, if I'm so fucking special you should always treat me like it and not have the mindset that just because I probably won't fuck someone doesn't mean I can't fall in love. 

I'm not trying to. I'm not looking. But there's so much more to a relationship than sex. My lack of a sex drive is NOT the same thing as me always being content with whoever I'm with. My dating history is solid proof. 

XoXo,

S

Mother fucking negative bitches. 

And yet the pain in my uterus is still there. Anxiety doesn't magically poof away. 

But I'm starting the pill finally. And they were really great about saving me money. Fuck yeah planned parenthood. 

Taking care if business now instead of allowing myself to keep having anxiety attacks, cutting, having worse anxiety because of cutting, not being able to sleep because of shame of cutting and then feeling even more anxious due to sleeplessness. 

I can't tell if I'm cramping or if its just anxiety. 

And realistically I should be fine. But I'm fucking anxious which leads to all sorts of sickening symptoms of pregnancy. 

Xoxo,

S

Myself disconnections

I think the thing that's been hurting the most and that's really getting my stomach in knots isn't the possibility if being pregnant (home test 2 says no, paranoia says go to a clinic to test anyway)... It's just how fucking alone I feel. 

I just see all these people on Facebook spending time with people. Having fun. Connecting. 

I have nothing. No one. 

Who can I honestly talk to with no judgement? Where can I turn to die advice? Who can I always count on when I'm feeling down? No one. 

Can I blame them? I'm fucked up anymore. I'm boring. I'm stupid. I do dumb shit all the time. I'm needing and annoying. I don't even like myself so why the fuck would someone else? 

Just about the only person who seems to like me is rob and I'm sure it's only because he hasn't realized how much of a piece if shit I am. 

I just want to get away from myself for a while. Away from all these people who I just don't seem to connect with. 

I want to connect. 

Xoxo

S

I don't think I. Could ever forgive a man for getting me pregnant. 

Tests say no. Still having a period (or bleeding) but its lighter. Still having pms beforehand. 

The thought literally makes me want to die. I've relapsed in self harm recently. I don't even know what to fucking do. I literally hope I have ovarian cancer instead. I may very well be the worst person in the entire world for saying that, but there's nothing I've ever wanted less than a baby. Or a pregnancy. 

I think I'm going to go in on Tuesday to have planned parenthood check. My sister said she had repeated negatives when she was testing for this kid. 

I will fucking break up with rob if I'm pregnant. I hate sex. I KNEW he was coming and not changing the fucking condom. Fucking knew it. He's a lying retarded piece of shit. I can never forgive someone for doing this to me. 

I have cramps and I'm iron deficient.

I want to purge everything inside me.
I want to rip off my skin and bury myself in smoke.
I carry all this weight.
I can still feel my scalp burn.
And I wish my hair would fall out.
They keep saying it will.

There's a razor on my windowsill
but I won't give you that power.

We're all fucking powerless.

.

You make me want to vomit. 

Phone blogging

I have the blogger app on my phone again. Get ready for ass loads if autocorrect mistakes. 

Me and rob have been talking about our relationship. I really don't know how I found someone so painfully accepting of me. But I don't know. He was right when he said we kind of need each other right now, but I still am not sure if I want this. I don't want to be alone (well, I don't want to be lonely) but I don't know if its smart for me to be in a relationship. They're suffocating for me. 

I guess I still have a lot of thinking to do. 

XoXo,

S

Alone and Not Alone.

I think that sometimes it takes pain and chaos and confusion to make you realize things.

I'm asexual. I'm virtually aromantic. I pegged myself with that over a year ago. On top of that I'm really introverted. I don't just like space and time alone. I need it. It's how I think and how I keep myself together. It's how I recharge. I've spent most of the last 3 days alone at home and it's been amazing. I feel so good right now.

I've also learned something that's kind of disappointing. Depression. It's fading.

I always thought that the opposite of depression was happiness. That's just not true, because depression isn't an emotion, it's a disorder. You can be happy and depressed. I have been so I know this. I think that when you suffer from depression you have this romanticized idea of what life is like without it. Other people who don't suffer from it seem so happy.

They aren't happy because they don't have depression. Happiness is what happens when you get out and find things to be happy about. When you're depressed you don't go out as much. When you're depressed for a really long time you develop the habit of never going out. When you're depressed and introverted you don't go out.

So, what I'm learning now...

Is that I'm much happier when I have a lot of time to myself. But I also need to make time for people to hang out. When I'm always around someone (my boyfriend) I feel drained all the time because I'm introverted and I never get out and on top of that I never get time alone. And I'm feel horrible all the time.

I don't think I need to be in a relationship right now. I don't think I need to be living with someone else. I think I need to be independent. I miss independence.

XoXo,
S

and now

I do the right thing, and it hurts. It fucking hurts and I want to curl up and not leave bed.

So I took a 4 hour long nap because I can literally not think of anything to do with myself that doesn't involve being curled up in the fetal position and trying not to cry.

What the actual fuck.

I don't think I can handle this.

After all the shit you've put me through, and all the growing I've done as a person... I still can't fucking handle this.

I'm trying to crochet and get my order done and think of good stuff... But I'm just fighting the urge to text you. That's literally all I'm doing.

XoXo,
S

well,

text written. Just waiting for you to wake the fuck up.

Fucking sick of this shit.

XoXo,
S

And here comes the breakdown

I'm so done. Why is it 2 in the fucking morning? I want to blow up at someone. NO FUCKING SERIOUSLY.

It's not going to be me. It's never going to be me. I get it. I keep trying but I get it. So why can't you fucking stop if it's not going to be me? Why can't I just live my happy lonely life and be left alone to do so? Why do you have to keep making me fucking miserable. You make me fucking crazy. I have a hard enough time keeping myself intact without this. Does it make you happy to do this to people? No really, you have to know what the fuck you're doing. Does it make you fucking happy to hurt people like this? Does anything actually fucking matter to you? Does anyone?

I don't act like this with other people. I don't act like this even when I'm jealous. The amount of distrust mixed with how badly I want to trust you just blows my fucking sanity away.

FOR THE LOVE OF ANY DEITY WILL YOU PLEASE JUST NOT BE IN MY LIFE? No amount of happiness you've ever given me makes up for the misery I have when you're here.

XoXo,
S

I'm fucking crazy, lets just get that one thing straight now.

I want to think I'm scum but I don't.

I want to trust you but I don't.

I don't want to hurt you but I have,
even if you don't know yet.

I can never be happy like this

And it will never work out like this

And you'll still fucking love me despite this,
even if we parted ways.


But I'll never fucking tell you, because I'm a crazy sociopathic bitch and I'm not even overwhelmed with guilt. Honestly, you're kind of boring. I hate admitting it, but I know me denying it has only put a splinter between us. You don't do much besides be sweet to me and play video games. I used to have no ambitions too, and they're all still fuzzy ideas at best, but at least I don't let myself become static. I keep a constant motion of change and learning and experience.

Also, you gave me fucking bed bugs. At least Chlamydia only cost $60 to get rid of, and I get to keep all my furniture and stuffed animals.

You keep saying you want to learn to drive, but you always back out when I offer, or I'll decided it's great weather for you to practice and when I come to pick you up you'll be fucking drunk. Even if you could drive, you couldn't afford a car because you waste all your money on video games and action figures. Even I stopped wasting money on kids toys in the last few months in hopes of saving up for something nicer. I have a fund for tattoos, a fund for vacation, a fund for random fun shit. I've literally stopped blowing my money on any and everything that suits my current obsession. Did I drop $100 on a lolita coord in the last month just because I've been re-obsessing over it? Fuck no.

But I can't really be mad at you for staying the same, it is who you are. But who you are no longer seems to be compatible with me. I used to think you handled my breakdowns well, but really you just shut down and make me feel guilty for having bad anxiety (which makes it worse, by the way) and not handling it well. Like, you think that you loving me should fix all my problems but they're MY problems and you have literally no say or control over my handling of them. I don't mean I want to feel shitty all the time, but whether or not you're nice to me doesn't mean shit. My anxiety isn't going to be like "well, he has really good intentions and cares about me so I shouldn't have an anxiety attack in the driveway because I can literally not get my car out to go to work." It doesn't work like that. I may NEVER get better. I may, but I may not. But one thing I can promise is that whether or not you're trying to fix me will make no difference. No, I take that back, it makes it worse. It legitimately makes my anxiety worse when you pressure me to get better all the time. I've never felt so worthless and inadequate.

You drink too much. I know you keep saying "it's just a few beers," but I keep telling you that that's how it started with my dad. Next thing you know, it's a case every few days. You'll never seem drunk, but you'll always have a beer in your hand. You'll have a stressful night and you'll drink a little too much and even though you love me you'll be pushing me against walls and pulling my hair choking me because I frustrate you. Because that's how it fucking happened with my dad. I ACTUALLY TELL YOU THIS. This is very personal. I feel sick thinking about the stuff I've seen happen between my parents when I was little and every fucking time you have a beer after work just because, I see it in you too. But you keep ignoring what I say. The beer is that much more important.

And please stop bitching about your job and your friends lives. No, seriously. It's the same complaints every day with only the slightest update in information and I don't care. You think I love every second of either of my jobs? because I don't. half of my bosses at the one job are DICKS. My job itself SUCKS. Sometimes they ask the impossible of me and scoff when I fail. My other job? I'm learning a new job every single day (with ANXIETY PROBLEMS. just getting out of bed is hard). The supervisors get to stand back and watch and if I mess up it's actually a really serious deal, because we're making $40,000 trucks. It's a lot of emotional stress and pressure. On top of that it's usually physically taxing. My back hasn't stopped hurting since I started there. Also, most of my friends are shitty. Literally every good friend I have lives so far away that I can't visit them on my days off (because I have to take you to and from work, and the drive is too much. 30 minutes to fort wayne for you, an hour and a half to get to Portland, 2 1/2 for Indy. Spend a few hours there and have to fucking leave to get you. It'd be worth the drive, but it's taxing on my body to have to be alert that much with no break. I need breaks.)

 My local friends are all flakes. Oh, you're friend knocked up some crazy girl and he hasn't been fun as often anymore because he's too busy being a father? Boo-fucking-hoo, Every time my friend has a new boyfriend I'll literally be a last priority. Every time I try to make plans with her she WILL bail, or be too broke, or be too busy (doing nothing). Do you remember the year when all of my work friends stopped talking to me? I still do. And it wasn't even them snubbing me because they were mad (besides Carrie, who was mad at me for being upset with her for talking to you and ignoring me. Yeah) it was because I moved 30 minutes away to the city that all of them go to regularly. It was no longer across the street and at their store so they just went off and forgot me. They still don't talk to me. It still hurts.

But you know what? I don't bitch about all of that to you because there's nothing I can do to change other people, and my job won't get any better or any easier, so it's better to just accept my life for what it is because bitching doesn't fix anything. If I can change it, I try. If I can't, I move the hell on. Obsessing over every little thing will only make them seem worse. You know who I miss? My best friend who moved to Indianapolis. My friend who lives all the way out in Portland. My friend who moved to Texas. Literally every reliable person I know is at least an hour away. You're just sad because your friend would rather be a father to his son that be a reckless party-er like he used to be.

People grow up and change, maybe it's time you did too.

XoXo,
S

(don't even get me started on how I feel about the OTHER 'you' because I could fill a fucking novel with it and I'd rather just not think about how I feel, because I have an undying need to be single and have space and I'm getting none of that from my boyfriend :\ but I don't want the space I'm getting from YOU. You mind fuckery douche bag. )

Reflections

I've chosen the better path. Not out of guilt or shame over what I wanted to do, but the guilt and shame of knowing I didn't feel any.

Like when you get caught doing something and you're forced to apologize. You are sorry, genuinely sorry, but not for what you did. Only for getting caught.

And I legitimately afraid of what I am and what I'm becoming and I want to hold on the the last shreds of whatever it is that allows me to still call myself a "good" person.

XoXo,
S

FUCK

Am I a sociopath?

Because I'm 90% positive I'm doing something I should regret

I'm 100% positive it's wrong...

And I don't feel bad.

I don't even care.

XoXo,
S

the stupid things we do...

I'm stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid.

From the moment I saw Brandon the other day, I've been in one of those moods. The reckless depression. I feel fucking restless. I spent a $100 on fucking books in 20 minutes. I want to spend all my money, and bitch everyone out, and purposefully read end people while I'm driving, and get into a fist fight... and I'm so fucking happy right now that I don't have a razor or the means to self harm like I did in high school. I got rid of all that shit. And I'm glad for that.

But at least I'd have found some resolve to this shit besides what I just did.

I'm a fucking idiot.

Please for the love of god don't reply to that message.

XoXo,
S




but really, the thought of you not replying hurts so fucking much. 

Today I ran into my ex

So after a successful trip to a way too busy mall (got The 2nd Law on vinyl, a new David Bowie shirt since I've finally accepted that my old one will never come back, and some strappy pants because they're sexy)... And I BAM. Brandon. I was caught so off guard that it felt like my heart stopped for a second. I was told that he moved out of state. Not just to Ohio or something, like a few states away.

And I've been a little cynical to other people lately about "oh, you'll always love the person you lost your virginity to!" because I've had a lot of bitter feelings towards Brandon over the last few years especially recently now that he's just gotten out of prison.

And here I am. And I've been thinking about this since it happened. I fucking miss him. And I remember when I broke up with him but I couldn't erase him from my life because I didn't want to have a life that was completely void of him, and he'd make moves on me and tell me that the girl he was with wasn't as important as.

And then it hit me that at some point in the past when we were still together and he was out with another girl she probably asked the same question and he probably told her the same thing.

It was easy to tell myself he was just making mistakes, but the hardest part was when I finally realized that I was never actually important to him even though he was my entire existence. Even after I had accepted that he'd never change all I wanted was for us to be together so I could lay in bed with him and I dreamed of the future when we'd be able to go to concerts together and go out to the bar. And I still have an overwhelming feeling to just fucking grab him and kiss him and fuck him. I don't even know why, because he's never given me a single reason to care besides the fact that he flirted with me and I guess I fall for that shit every god damn time.

Brandon, Zach, he whom I refuse to name, and Michael. Shed the smallest amount of attention on me, show the smallest amount of interest, and BAM, I'm lost in a world of dangerous infatuation. Dangerous for me at least.

Brandon is the reason that I don't fight my asexuality. By "fight" mean I don't try to help out my boyfriend with his sexual desires. Pretty much ever. I think the last time I had sex was mid December. That's perfectly fine with me personally (seeing how I haven't really wanted to, you know? because I'm asexual) but a lot of asexual people still sleep with their significant others occasionally if they aren't. He made me feel horrible about myself, because I literally went out of my way to do nice things for him. I made him lunch every day while he was in jail on work release. EVERY DAY for 4 months.

He cheated on me with nasty people. I don't just mean physically. I mean these girls were bitches. These girls had poor personal hygiene. At least 2 of these girls were underage. He was the first person who made me feel special and then I finally realized that I never actually was. And to this day, I STILL want him to find me special.

I thought for a while (I trick myself like this sometimes) that I avoided him because I hated him. No, I avoid him because he still has the power to make me do anything with a fragile bit of hope that he'll finally think I'm special, and when someone so heartless has that power over you it's kind of scary.

XoXo,
S

"When I'm working at GM_________"

Did I ever say that GM called? I start next week, 6:30am. I'm supposed to be asleep right now because I need to fix my sleeping habits, but I'm fucking WRITING.

I'm at 15 pages, 5,500 words. If I'm not careful my short story will be come a novellette. I guess it wouldn't be the end of the world or anything, but I wanted it to be a short story :C And a 7,001 page novellette doesn't feel like as much of an accomplishment as a 6,999 word short story (based on this).

Anyway, I'll only be working 2 days a week at GM, but that alone will earn me more more money than I'm making now (well, I guess that depends on taxing) but I'm keeping my job at Wendy's and I'm still trying to donate plasma regularly. Hopefully the need extra workers soon and ask me to work more days a week. Fingers crossed, guys.

Anyway, I'm actually writing this because I'm still seeing things. I guess most people see stuff out of the corner of their eye all the time, but I didn't start seeing things until the last few months. And it's almost constantly, even when I'm completely alone in unmoving surroundings. It's driving me crazy. -_- my eyes need to stop.

I'm going to get back to writing my unpublishable novellette now, k bye.

XoXo,
S

A shitty poem inspired by the misogynistic bullshit I read every day on facebook

I'm sick of your smiling
when you bitch on your blog
And I'm sick of your bitching
about how their life's not that hard

I'm tired of your judging other women
 for not being like you
That's kind of the point
that they don't have to prove.

If you're so damn satisfied
with your picket fence life
then why can't you let them
live theirs without a fight

Your morals are different
but that doesn't mean they're wrong
should they have to defend themselves,
and where they come from

I'm sick of your smiling
saying your misogyny is due
like your personal experiences
aren't special or new

She didn't deserve it
And she's not a whore.
and why are you defending
a man taking advantage of a girl?

It is not enough
that I need escorted to my car at night?
Why would you encourage that
unwanted advances are a right?

So when you're walking home
and a guy tries to follow
remember you "deserve it"
and you that said it with a smile.


-S

in which S finds her sexual identity and is pleased

I'm sorry I was at  such a low the other day. Not sorry, really, but I always feel a tinge of self-loathing when I unload my problems while being so brutally honest. I always try to sound respectful, especially of others and their privacy and all that, but sometimes I let my mouth work faster than my brain. It's probably healthy to do every now and then, actually, but I still feel bad.

ANYWAY, this is a post about my sexuality. I have discovered my sexuality. It's a real thing and I'm not weird and I should feel ashamed of it or feel dysfunctional.

I started to identify with Asexuality a few years ago when I was starting to notice how little sex drive I have. No matter how sexually attracted I was to whomever I was dating I just didn't have interest in it. I can honestly say that if I never had sex again it would probably not effect my life at all.

HOWEVER, I always felt like I broke away from asexuality enough that I couldn't really call myself asexual. I DO experience a lot of physical attraction. What I find attractive varies and I don't feel like going into it right now because it's lengthy, but I feel it. When I first meet and get to know someone I find physically attractive would be the only time I honestly have sexual urges. Literally, the only time. I think it's because I want to explore them entirely, but after I get to know them that feeling fades. Always.

I don't need sex. I already said it. I don't desire it. But because of that rare moment when I want to sleep with someone, I'm put in a grey area of asexuality. Granted, greysexual is kind of a silly word (and most people spell grey with an A but I just can't) but it seems right. I'm someone towards the asexual spectrum, but I'm in the grey area.

I know it sounds stupid to feel ashamed of not wanting sex, but you don't realize how much culture glorifies sex (even glorifies women exploring their desire to have sex) unless you don't. Everything is about sex. So many people's lives, in some aspect or another, revolve around sex, and sexuality, and sexual expression. But even though mine didn't, I just don't identify as asexual, I don't want to act like I don't find a lot of physical attraction everywhere, I just lack the desire to explore it 99.9% of the time (and that's perfectly okay. I see this now).

XoXo,
S

Jack White, My Ex, and The White Stripes

My ex  boyfriend looks like a young Jack White, although this isn't the best picture to show it. I don't want to facebook stalk him and dig through his pictures to prove it... I still find myself coming across pictures of him (and jack white, honestly) and missing his face and his music, because he's also a musician.

Then I Remembered that he also told me that this dress wasn't appropriate for a wedding. Even though it fit me nicely, and matched his tux and I was having a really really hard time find a dress and he kept refusing to go with me to look. And then I remember how self conscious I felt all the time around him because even though nothing I did seemed good enough, when I'd ask him what he was looking for he never had an answer.

So then I look at matured Jack White, I can't help but feel he's so so much sexier than his young self.

younger

older

Sure, young jack is sexy. But, there's so much charm in the older Jack. I love his face and his dimples and his perfect hair.

Sorry, I've been listening to the White Stripes a lot lately, and it's made me really nostalgic and I mean... His music is so fucking sexy.

XoXo,

S

fat people, and the "pro-fat" movement (aka, not body shaming people)

So, while there may not be a magical disease that makes you take in calories that you don't actually eat, there is such a thing as genetics, that makes you not burn calories at the same rate as someone else. 

Some people will, in fact, be overweight regardless of how much they work out or how little they eat. Some people don't burn fat very well. If some people can burn fat and calories at an alarming rate despite being sedentary, who no matter what they do can't seem to increase their body weight or gain sizeable muscle, then why the fuck is it so hard to believe that the same can be true about overweight people? (oh yeah, because thin people are hot and fat people are gross).

This can't be the first time I've bitched about this.  

Personally? I gain muscle bulk really quickly when I work out. I never seam to burn much fat, though. Even with cardio. Even with the proper diet.

My ex used to tell me that if I did cardio I'd get thinner. He used his ex as "proof" that this will work for me. His very thin ex who didn't eat very healthy foods but who's body weight barely fluctuated and probably never actually got fatter. She was probably just a little bloated. I tried explaining to him that I know my body, I know it's functions and I know what it takes for me to actually lose fat. "just doing some cardio" is not what it takes. He still doesn't believe me.

I won't say I'm talking about obese people. Just overweight. You know that I haven't gained a pound in almost 2 years? I'm overweight. I work out a little. I try to eat fruits and veggies. If I worked out, I'd lose maybe 10lbs before gaining weight from muscle. That fat would still mostly be there.

I work with a girl who's had 4 kids that's thinner than I am. She eats Wendy's twice a day, and I don't mean our salads. flat out burgers and fries type deal twice a day. 

And you know what? Even if those obese people don't suffer from some sort of disease that makes them gain weight, a lot of them suffer from physical pain that makes working out often times not worth it. Almost everyone who overeats has a form of an eating disorder, or they wouldn't eat enough food to become 300+ pounds. People just don't care because their disorder makes them fat and sad instead of thin and sad. Fat people bad. Thin people good.

Stop fat blaming and fat shaming if you're going to acknowledge that thin people can be naturally that way and that eating disorders hurt anorexic and bulimic people.  

healing

So Rob and I have had bed bugs for a while now. Probably 6 months. Having him spend less time at his place (where they're really bad) and more time here has stopped them from getting too badly. The bites don't effect him. They drive me crazy. We're fairly well contained them in the room, I think.

But anyway. After starting to wear my socks to bed (which is horrible, I feel bad for people who wear socks at home) and tucking my pj pants into them, and then my night shirt into that, I've managed to not get bitten on my feet and legs, which is the worst to have itchy. For whatever reason they chose to only really bite my right arm. Maybe it's the position I sleep in. I don't know. But it's got a lot of scars from this.

My boyfriend and I took of the sheets last night. I admit we don't do this often enough. We're only really home at night, and that's no time to be doing laundry that you need on your bed.

But I FINALLY steamed the comforter, the pillows, the pillow covers, then the top of the mattress, all along the side, flipped it and steamed the bottom. We got every crevice we could physically reach. Even the top and around the ends of the boxspring. I haven't had a new bite in 2 nights. I know we didn't fix the problem, but we've squashed it a lot. I haven't felt itchy. Haven't woken up in the middle of the night to itch. I have 37 scabs that are slowly healing. My skin is looking healthier. If we do this every week or so, and finally get all of the clothes heat cleaned (perhaps steamed) I may never get bit again. I'll be able to leave this mattress in the burn pile when I leave, and it'll be okay to buy new bedding and not worry about bugs in floor board cracks.

Seriously, I know most people will think less of someone for having bed bugs. They're hard to exterminate. And pricey. I'm poor as fuck. And we do what we can. Hopefully we'll have a chance to maybe move the mattress, steam the underside of the boxspring and sealing all of them up while we clean every plush thing we own.

XoXo,
S

fluffy puff

I wanted to help out a girl I know, who does art and crafty things (that are pretty cool!) so I got some art, and this cute as fuck little fluffy fur thing that has a little bell and some beads on it. It's so cute. Like. Really. It looks perfect on my purse. Really perfect.

I'm loving this so hard.

I want to buy a white tail and have her color it or something. Maybe green. idk. But it's cute as fuck.

XoXo,
S

things and life stuff

"I'll admit that Taylor Swift doesn't sound like she's country but she is."

I'll post that again and bold the hilarity.
"I'll admit that Taylor Swift doesn't sound like she's country but she is."

If it doesn't SOUND like it's country, it's not. She has some country songs, but no, she's mostly pop. Pop with an acoustic guitar, sure, but pop.

ANYWAY. 

I accidentally threw my lip ring away. I take it out to eat. I sit it on my tray. Every time. I've never forgotten to pick it back up and today I was not so lucky. It's gone forever. I don't have a second one either. And I'm broke for at least the next 9 days. If this grows shut I can't even get it re-pierced because my job won't let me have it in while I'm there. 

And I just bleached my hair about 2 weeks ago, and I already have about a centimeter or new growth. At least I think it was only two weeks ago. Possibly 3. I guess that's not really fast for hair growth, but I haven't even had a chance to get my hair a good solid color and my roots are already visible. Doesn't help that they're dark and the rest if pastel blonde.

But I have 3 days off this week. Two of them are consecutive days. After 6 hours of work, I'm off for 48. And I rolled a 1lb skein of yarn into a huge ball. Then I rolled a full skein of hippie colored yarn into a ball, and then some scrap black yarn, because I was bored and it was there. I should probably add the black yarn to my ball of scrap yarn... Later. 

Also, I'm wanting to make my own little yarn bowl thing. The ceramic ones they sell on etsy. With the little holes so that your ball of yarn wont come out of the bowl. But I want to make them. Because they aren't worth $80. I appreciate your work as artist, I really do. And they're beautiful bowls, amazing glazes... But I can do that. I'm pretty good with ceramics. The sellers are just fortunate enough to have the supplies while I don't. I'm trying to find a local place that will let me make my own ceramics and not just paint them. If worst comes to worst I think IPFW offers a ceramics for non-majors. I'll try to get into that. 

XoXo,
S

Acceptance letter

Oh, I got my acceptance letter from Ivy Tech. Just have to, between now and the fall, have orientation and stuff.

One YEAR at this school is less than one semester at my last school. So, if I get the same loan money I'll be able to go full time here if I want. So I'll be done in two years if I want. Less if any of my credits transfer.

Then I'll be off to find a job that pays me more than minimum wage (if I'm not at GM. Maybe they'll call me for the summer. Fingers crossed.) Hopefully that job will be in Indy or Bloomington. Maybe it'll be out of state. Then I can finally finish up school and get my BA or even my MA somewhere other than IPFW.

I'm so fucking determined to be the first in my family to get a degree. My brother is in school again too. I hope he makes it too. I'm going to make my dad fucking proud. Prove my mom wrong (that I'm NOT a D student. That I CAN do well in school).

I hope I can keep this motivation.

XoXo,
S

An Open Letter to New Parents with Friend Problems

Dear New Parents,

I don't want to be the bitch that points this out, but having kids doesn't exclude you from being someone's friend. It doesn't mean you don't have to try or that you can neglect staying in contact with them.

Most friends understand that you won't be able to go shopping every weekend, or hang out every day. Or talk on the phone with them a lot and give them as much attention as you used to. You have a little bundle of joy that will require a lot of your time and effort for at least 6 years before you can finally take a nap when they're awake. I know there are exceptions with these friends since some people are needy, however the chances are that you thought they were needy before you popped a kid out.

But you still have basic obligations. You still need to eventually reply to that text. Unless your children are monsters (which, I know some are. Two of my cousins can't go 5 seconds without breaking or trying to eat something) you have absolutely no reason to not keep in touch with someone you call a friend.

My friend lives over an hour away, and had her very first child after a very complicated pregnancy and works full time (plus overtime) along with her husband. She makes time. She's not neglecting her kid in the least bit. If you ask her a question or try to make plans she's more than happy to. Now, will her baby be there? Probably. But does that actualy matter? No.

I'm not going to say your friends should come first (especially over your own kid), but if you've been close with someone for 20 years and can't seem to find 2 seconds to catch up with them every week or so, YOU don't deserve THEM.

It's really all up to you parents to decide. But if you can't make time for friends and they move on after feeling upset about it, don't blame them. Don't be mad at them. Don't tell them that they didn't deserve you or that you're better off. They're gone because you actively chose to not give them 10 minutes of your day or week. They're not gone because they're selfish. They're gone because what's the point of having a friend if they're literally never there for you. Can you really blame them?

XoXo,
S

back to school

I applied for a new college. One that I'm pretty sure at least SOME of my credits will transfer from.

If I don't get accepted I'm probably going to just switch my major at my current university and try to do as much off campus work as possible. I don't want to be on campus. I'm scared of running into Michael. He is, by very definition, crazy. I don't want to end up stuck on an elevator or in the parking garage or in a stairwell with him. Nope. Just nope. And I don't really like IPFW, if we're totally honest.

Now what I'm hoping for is that GM calls me to at least come in for summer help. Then I can try to save that money. Then go to a doctor and talk about my trouble focusing. And my anxiety, and the depression I still fight with. And maybe, just maybe, he can help me.

Lava lamps are so fascinating and relaxing. I could watch that baby go for hours. And probably will.

XoXo,
S

Taking Friend Applications

I'm kinda drunk. And I feel like I'm drunk enough to admit that I'm lonely as fuck. All I have in my life is my boyfriend. I can't seem to find people to befriend. The people I already know are hard to hang out with. I'm super introverted so parties and raves and other group hangouts (someone I want to be closer friends to regularly has a bunch of people over to play some werewolf card game, but I can't be around so many people. It's way too much for me).

How do you meet people? How do you make friends? Have conversations? I've been a lot more talkative at work lately, practicing being social again, but I work with mostly high schoolers and adults who have different tastes in fun than myself. I actually rarely drink despite what my night may lead someone to believe. I don't really like going to bars unless I'm already with friends. Which is never. Fucking never. I'm starving for human attention. And friendly affection. I need silly and ridiculous people in my life. I have no one. Except my boyfriend.

I want to put on my silly goth outfits and my fun fuzzy hats and go shopping and just hang out at a mcDonald's to knit and crochet and eat shitty foods and enjoy $1 tea. Is that really asking so much? Why is it so hard to find that in an adult? I'd hang out with my high school friends, but being 8 years younger than myself, I start to notice how fucking old I actually am. And it sucks trying to hang out with people who still have to obey their parents and who can't hang out when I'm available because they're in school.

I met no one in college. I mean, I met stacy, but she's kinda been a distant friend without me being on campus anymore. And we never really hung out when we weren't on campus. And Tara even defriended me on facebook.

Am I really so hard to get along with? I'm so much more friendly and positive than I used to be.

Why do I have to happen upon all close friends by CHANCE? when will this next chance meeting happen, and will they move away 6 months later again?

Seriously. I'm lonely. I have a lot of loyalty and terrible jokes and general awkwardness to offer, and there isn't a single taker.

Fuck, I need to not drink this much wine at once. But I haven't been sleeping well. I just wanted to sleep well tonight. snvc.,MZNSDck.MNZSBcv.kjzsnbdvcxkjznbscxkvjbnZSD>Kjvcbzlskdjbvzkjsbcxnvk.ZN/l  aoiwhef ;lkasjhdf ;lkajhfd i;m frehyinf ro type with bear mittens on anad I;m not doin g too bad.(I'm trying to type with bear mittens on and I'm not doing too bad, in case you were wondering. Not bad for drunk AND wearing the bear mittens on this bear scoodie. See, I'm wearing a bear hat with bear paws at the end of scarf like things. I HAVE A LOT TO OFFER A FRIEND. why does no one like this? I can be fun, damn it).

XoXo,
S

(sorry if I sound pathetic. it's been eating me up inside. I long for a girl who's weird in the same ways that I am who wants to do the same nothings as me.)

Periods and money

So basically being a vegetarian means having really light periods with little to no cramps. It's fucking sweet.

I was off by one payment with my hospital bill that was with the collection agency. It's totally paid off as of early December. I think I still have one payment left on the other one though. I have $100 in my bank account right now. I just got paid. I spent all of my Christmas money in like 2 days (mostly on yarn and knitting supplies) so none of it is my Christmas money. weird

And this was a good check. Not that I talk finances (fff- ahaha yeah, I hold little back) but it was ten shy of 400. For me, that's amazing. I have to pay my internet and phone bill, but that still leaves quite a bit of money for me. I'm going to try to save that shit. I've been on Rob about saving money for a while. I need to start doing that too. -_- Of course, he's gotten about as much saved as me.

XoXo,
S