The stress is finally catching up with me. If I'm exceptionally filled with typos that's why.
I've been holding myself together surprisingly well over the last week, but now that I'm alone and no one needs me to comfort them I'm now falling apart, I guess.
My boyfriends 17 year old sister had a heart attack Tuesday. Since then we've been to Michigan twice to see her in the hospital. She's heavily sedated, but still coherent enough to acknowledge that we're there. The nurses say she probably won't remember though. Her lungs are swollen and surrounded by fluids but have stopped bleeding but her heart isn't beating strongly enough and has actually gotten worse in the last day or so. She couldn't survive without the machines that are breathing for her and pumping blood through her veins. They're hoping the swelling in the lungs go down over the weekend since having them in that condition really limits their options.
She was approved for some sort of mobile device that would keep her heart beating without her being in a hospital bed, but it's only temporary. They're talking about a heart transplant. She's only fucking 17.
I've been sleeping well, and eating fine and keeping positive but it's starting to run me down now. My breathing is getting weird, so now I'm getting a little light headed. I've been trying to make a BASIC scarf for his mom and her boyfriend since they left on short notice and it was still warm out when they did. They don't have any warm clothes. They barely have money to eat but the Ronald McDonald house is at least giving them a place to stay.
Family drama is even keeping family members from coming to visit. How heartbreaking is it that someone won't come see a close family member who is in critical condition in the hospital just because some bullshit they have between another family member? They can't put it aside for a day? We're keeping hopeful. The girl is a fighter. But she may not make it. That is always a possibility. How could you not come see your own daughter or sister? Just because someone you don't like is there?
I'm trying to distract myself from the breathing but it's really not working. I want to crawl into bed and sleep until we go back up to see her and their mom again.
But they need warm clothes, so I'm going to keep trying to make this scarf until I have to work, and I'll get myself through the night and cuddle with rob until I feel better and fall asleep.
xoxo,
S
October 27, 2012
October 23, 2012
Lets keep the living alive.
Bullying is the big deal right now, and that's not actually what I have a problem with.
The problem is that so much time is spent focusing on trying to stop bullying but it seems like no one wants to spend time focusing on helping the victims until it's too late. Yeah, we definitely need to give bullying real consequences, but to someone who already calls that sweet flamboyant boy a "fag" and gives him trouble every step of the way... How is detention going to make him realize he's doing something wrong? If anything he'll feel that he should hate the "fag" more for getting him in trouble. At a younger age bullying stems from your home life and personal struggle... After you hit high school it's fueled my a genuine mean spirited personality and hate for something that's different.
If you want to stop bullying you have to start at a much younger age. Day Care. Pre-school. Kindergarten. If they make it to middle school and still want to call someone they don't know or don't like ugly because making the victim sad makes them feel good, it's too fucking late. Maybe I'm just pessimistic, but I guess that's my personal experience talking? The people who bullied me in grade school mostly stopped through middle school. The people who didn't stop became the girls you'd label as "bitch" and the guys you'd have to ask, "why do you always have to be such a dick?"Those behaviors never stopped. Even as matured adults the subtle hits are still there. They still like pointing out your flaws. They still like knowing they can hurt you.
Instead of wasting our time telling people ages 11-18 that they should be nicer to each other, it's time to focus our time on helping the ones who need it. People don't take human suffering seriously anymore once you hit puberty. It's expected of you to cry, feel self conscious, and be generally angsty. Too often we brush off people's feelings as temporary. "Oh, they're just transitioning between being a child and being an adult, they'll get over it."
Fucking WRONG. Never. Ever. Ever. Brush off another person's suffering. We all come in different degrees of sensitivity. Yeah, the person literally crying over spilled milk may be overreacting to that situation, but the proper thing to do isn't to tell them "get the fuck over it and grow up." It's to take them to see a PROFESSIONAL to help them work out the reasons behind why they're so sensitive to help them overcome it. The proper response to ANYONE who cuts isn't to grow thicker skin or to stop whining for attention. It's to take them seriously and to find them whatever help they need.
Does your kid get bullies by strangers online? have a good long talk with them about anonymity and the dangers of putting too much of yourself out there (especially with your face. Especially with your name.) Teach your kids about privacy. a good way to prevent online bullying from people you know in real life is to limit what you put out, and limit who knows it. Don't be friends with everyone you requests you on a social networking site. Don't talk about drama when other's involved can find it or hear about it from someone else (I was so guilty of this in my young blogging days. SO GUILTY. I could have prevented a lot of unneeded misunderstandings and bully-fuel by keeping my mouth shut from side comments that weren't meant to offend but did.)
It's not really the victims fault if they get bullied, but some people make mistakes while growning up that make bullies target them. To quote Miley Cyrus, actually,
“You can't stop people from talking about you, but you can stop giving them something to talk about.”
Yeah, I said we were going to try to do something about this. Exciting, right?
The problem is that so much time is spent focusing on trying to stop bullying but it seems like no one wants to spend time focusing on helping the victims until it's too late. Yeah, we definitely need to give bullying real consequences, but to someone who already calls that sweet flamboyant boy a "fag" and gives him trouble every step of the way... How is detention going to make him realize he's doing something wrong? If anything he'll feel that he should hate the "fag" more for getting him in trouble. At a younger age bullying stems from your home life and personal struggle... After you hit high school it's fueled my a genuine mean spirited personality and hate for something that's different.
If you want to stop bullying you have to start at a much younger age. Day Care. Pre-school. Kindergarten. If they make it to middle school and still want to call someone they don't know or don't like ugly because making the victim sad makes them feel good, it's too fucking late. Maybe I'm just pessimistic, but I guess that's my personal experience talking? The people who bullied me in grade school mostly stopped through middle school. The people who didn't stop became the girls you'd label as "bitch" and the guys you'd have to ask, "why do you always have to be such a dick?"Those behaviors never stopped. Even as matured adults the subtle hits are still there. They still like pointing out your flaws. They still like knowing they can hurt you.
Instead of wasting our time telling people ages 11-18 that they should be nicer to each other, it's time to focus our time on helping the ones who need it. People don't take human suffering seriously anymore once you hit puberty. It's expected of you to cry, feel self conscious, and be generally angsty. Too often we brush off people's feelings as temporary. "Oh, they're just transitioning between being a child and being an adult, they'll get over it."
Fucking WRONG. Never. Ever. Ever. Brush off another person's suffering. We all come in different degrees of sensitivity. Yeah, the person literally crying over spilled milk may be overreacting to that situation, but the proper thing to do isn't to tell them "get the fuck over it and grow up." It's to take them to see a PROFESSIONAL to help them work out the reasons behind why they're so sensitive to help them overcome it. The proper response to ANYONE who cuts isn't to grow thicker skin or to stop whining for attention. It's to take them seriously and to find them whatever help they need.
Does your kid get bullies by strangers online? have a good long talk with them about anonymity and the dangers of putting too much of yourself out there (especially with your face. Especially with your name.) Teach your kids about privacy. a good way to prevent online bullying from people you know in real life is to limit what you put out, and limit who knows it. Don't be friends with everyone you requests you on a social networking site. Don't talk about drama when other's involved can find it or hear about it from someone else (I was so guilty of this in my young blogging days. SO GUILTY. I could have prevented a lot of unneeded misunderstandings and bully-fuel by keeping my mouth shut from side comments that weren't meant to offend but did.)
It's not really the victims fault if they get bullied, but some people make mistakes while growning up that make bullies target them. To quote Miley Cyrus, actually,
“You can't stop people from talking about you, but you can stop giving them something to talk about.”
ANYWAY. Side tracked there. Instead of focusing all of this time and money on the BULLIES in high school and middle school who will just sit there with a smug smile on their faces, we need to put our focus onto helping the victims. A copy of my facebook status that got me and my friend thinking about doing something about this:
"I admire people who think that they can stop bullying by being all feel-good about it (because that totes works)... but I think a better route would be to underline the importance of mental health, getting help, parents being involved in their kids online lives, and the fact that if you can't handle ridicule and bulling you can always be home schooled or keep your online presence minimal and mostly private."
Yeah, I said we were going to try to do something about this. Exciting, right?
xoxo,
S
October 14, 2012
My Crochet; My Life
I never cry when I'm sad. Mostly when I'm angry or frustrated and on rare occasions when I'm speechlessly happy.
Like right now.
I have a crochet commission for a for-real custom hat of Teemo from LOL. It doesn't look like it'd be too hard after I figure out how I want to piece it all together. And I woke up to that request this morning. The person requesting it is a girl who does freelance photography, meaning my hat will get some promoting by her.
Then a girl I work with asked me if I'd make her a hat, and how much I'd want for it. Just a plain striped beanie like the ones I've been working on for Christmas gifts. She said she'd let me know on the colors as soon as she decides.
That conversation led to me talking to this lovely lady who has watched me crochet at work before; about how I DO need to charge people for my stuff, but how I also love giving everything away as gifts. I told her about how I was currently working on making everyone a hat for Christmas since I couldn't afford gifts last year and how had made stuff is always kinda precious to the people who get them (especially if its someone you know who knows how much work goes into something you've made.)
Before she left, she dropped me a ten and told me to get more yarn to make sure I get all my Christmas gifts done. I'm tearing up again. This is too perfect. My day. My life. Everything just keeps falling into place.
XoXo,
s
Like right now.
I have a crochet commission for a for-real custom hat of Teemo from LOL. It doesn't look like it'd be too hard after I figure out how I want to piece it all together. And I woke up to that request this morning. The person requesting it is a girl who does freelance photography, meaning my hat will get some promoting by her.
Then a girl I work with asked me if I'd make her a hat, and how much I'd want for it. Just a plain striped beanie like the ones I've been working on for Christmas gifts. She said she'd let me know on the colors as soon as she decides.
That conversation led to me talking to this lovely lady who has watched me crochet at work before; about how I DO need to charge people for my stuff, but how I also love giving everything away as gifts. I told her about how I was currently working on making everyone a hat for Christmas since I couldn't afford gifts last year and how had made stuff is always kinda precious to the people who get them (especially if its someone you know who knows how much work goes into something you've made.)
Before she left, she dropped me a ten and told me to get more yarn to make sure I get all my Christmas gifts done. I'm tearing up again. This is too perfect. My day. My life. Everything just keeps falling into place.
XoXo,
s
October 10, 2012
a long post about my ex that I'll probably take down out of guilt later.
I don't miss you, but I sure do miss your friends. Or just having friends. I've been talking to a few old friends again lately but one lives in Indy and the other, despite moving back home, doesn't have a job yet and therefor can't afford to hang out and be stupid together.
But I have Rob. Which means I have someone who tries. This is going to be one of those blogs where I vent things that have been weighing me down for a while.
You never actually tried in the ways I needed you to. I was pretty open about what ways those were. Every day at 1 I'd ask you to go to the gas station with me to grab a drink and use the bathroom (since there was rarely tp at the house) because the guy who works there ALWAYS hit on me and it made me really uncomfortable. Every morning you told me you couldn't. You needed 10 more minutes of sleep (that usually turned into 2 hours). You slept at least 10 hours ever day, but you didn't have a job. You just slept. After waking up, every single day, you got high and smoked a cigarette and played your guitar for an hour. That was my last precious hour to spend with you before going off to an 8 hour shift at work while you got to stay home and play guitar all day. While smoking, getting high, and seeing your friends. I got to do none of that. ever. On the off chance that you didn't get high the moment you woke up, you asked to borrow my car to drive across town to pick up more spice (which you also wanted money for half the time, as well as cigarettes).
You didn't have gas money for my car. You didn't help with the oil change, help with the payments or help with the insurance, but you drove the fuck out of it. You borrowed it and acted as a taxi for your friends but never really had anything to throw my way as far as compensation. I let it slide for so long because i was hoping that getting to see your friends and have band practice and getting your cigarettes would help you with your depression, because I had no idea what else to do to help you. It didn't work.
I spent half of my time dating you basically living at your sister's house. She didn't like me. It was fucking boring there. Sure, there was internet (thankfully) but there's nothing to do and nowhere to walk on that side of town. I could have spent those nights in my own bed at my dad's instead and had an even better time because I actually had belongings there. But we stayed at your sisters. You literally spent the ENTIRE time in the garage smoking, getting high, and playing your guitar. It was cold out there and the dogs were usually with you (and I dislike dogs and told you this every time you asked me to hang out with you there.)
Speaking of my own bed, I never got to sleep in it. Ever. You hated going to my dad's. You felt like it was somehow the worst thing ever to not be in town for a night even though there's as little to do at your sisters, and at least at my dad's I didn't have to deal with her whining and bitching to us the entire time because we ate one of her 40 tv dinners. And I got to sleep under my covers, in the comfort of my room with my bookshelves filled with things I love and I would get to see my brother. But getting you to agree to go there was like pulling out someone's fingernails.
The off chance we'd get to go somewhere together because you somehow managed to wake up before 4pm, it was never just us. You were never happy just spending time with me. You always had to invite someone. Sometimes a LOT of people. I even told you how uncomfortable I felt around large groups of people and how I had social anxiety. You never stopped the invitations though. And not once could we walk to the gas station and back without you pulling out your phone and making a call.
The bean... Yes, I loved open mic night, once I starting getting Lacey to come with me. Because you NEVER spent that time with me. It's not an issue of me not wanting you to hang out with everyone there that's your friend, it's an issue of you not even trying to include me even though YOU KNOW I HAVE SOCIAL ANXIETY. At least you SHOULD have known that since I TOLD YOU MORE THAN ONCE. If we were inside for more than 10 minutes you wanted to go back outside, if we were outside hanging out with people for more than ten minutes you wanted to go back in. Then you'd want a smoke, then you'd want to run out back to get high and then you'd repeat this the whole night until you finally played your set (at closing time) and I'd dutifully sit there, exhausted and lonely, and record you playing.
I'm sure you were happy about me doing this... But considering all this shit I did for you, you didn't seem very grateful when you'd tell me what not to spend my money on. My money. Our only income that I busted my ass to get for us. And you were always trying to change me. You didn't want me to dye or cut my hair because you liked it brown and long and as natural as possible. When we started dating I was working on growing my hair out anyway, but get SO UPSET when I wanted to cut some of it off, and change the style a bit and maybe put a little new color in it. THAT'S WHO THE FUCK I AM. And you felt like it was wrong of me.
AND speaking of being my HAIR. I fucking like Lady Gaga. I don't like the movie Yellow Submarine. I don't much care for any of the Beatles movies honestly. Their music is lovely though, and you showed me that (since I was put off by their movies I never listened to it before)... But when I say I like Lady Gaga you spend the next hour bitching about how you think she's "everything that's wrong with the world" and how you'd be cool if she died. And yet, if I say I didn't like the shitty cartoon and say that's what put me off the the Beatles? You ask me to stop talking about it because it's hurting the way you think of me. Where was your respect of me when I wanted you to shut the hell up? You do that to ALL of your friends. Remember when Victor asked you to stop talking about religion because it made him uncomfortable? And you'd be like "okay, but blah blah religion blah, you know!?" He said stop. It means stop. Not finish what you were saying. Not try to explain it even more so that he "understands." It means change the subject. Now.
And that night I went to Taco Bell to talk to Rob? I just wanted to catch up. I thought you'd go with me so you wouldn't be paranoid and I'd literally just catch up because, in case you didn't notice, i had no real friends in your crowd. I was actually closer to Rob's friends after 3 months than I was with some of your friends after 6. I met Nate before we started dating, and he's the only one I still talk to (because instead of helping me through my anxieties you just threw me in and let me drown). I never intended to be with Rob again. Ask anyone. That may be hurtful to him, but when I burn a bridge I don't normally try to build a new one. But your absolute refusal to come with me, and wanting to put it off to a later time that was better for us (despite the fact that it was MY schedule since I was the only one with a job, and I was perfectly fine with going to Taco Bell at 1am since I'd be up til 5 anyway.) You shut me out and shut down. You didn't try. You didn't talk to me about. You just refused to go. That's when I realized that you'd never be there for me. ever. You weren't the guy I needed, you were just the guy I had thought I wanted.
STILL despite that, I wasn't planning on hooking back up with Rob. But talking to him about how everything has been made me realize that everything with me hadn't been okay. All that shit had finally hit me. Everything I'd been putting up with was clear as day and I realized I was really unhappy. You can say I never said anything to let you help me and that you noticed I was upset... But I did tell you. You just thought that what I was telling you wasn't important. It wasn't important to you that I see my brother, sleep in my bed, spend time with just you or feel comfortable in social situations that you wanted me in but didn't want to reserve any of that time to be with me. Those things were the problem. I told you about those things. Why did you never listen if you had actually loved me so damn much?
And you know who cared, has always tried and to this day meets me with nothing but love and acceptance? Rob. You know who never puts me in social situations I'm not comfortable with? Rob. You know who wants to be right there by my side when I do decide to be in a large group? Rob does. Because he listens when I tell him something is wrong, or that i need help.
At least I broke up with you when I realized I couldn't have the relationship I wanted to have with you. I wanted to have it with you. I wanted it to be you and me forever. But you definitely weren't the guy I needed, and no matter how much you loved and cared about the girl you thought I could be, the girl I was (and am) wasn't what you needed either.
XoXo,
S
But I have Rob. Which means I have someone who tries. This is going to be one of those blogs where I vent things that have been weighing me down for a while.
You never actually tried in the ways I needed you to. I was pretty open about what ways those were. Every day at 1 I'd ask you to go to the gas station with me to grab a drink and use the bathroom (since there was rarely tp at the house) because the guy who works there ALWAYS hit on me and it made me really uncomfortable. Every morning you told me you couldn't. You needed 10 more minutes of sleep (that usually turned into 2 hours). You slept at least 10 hours ever day, but you didn't have a job. You just slept. After waking up, every single day, you got high and smoked a cigarette and played your guitar for an hour. That was my last precious hour to spend with you before going off to an 8 hour shift at work while you got to stay home and play guitar all day. While smoking, getting high, and seeing your friends. I got to do none of that. ever. On the off chance that you didn't get high the moment you woke up, you asked to borrow my car to drive across town to pick up more spice (which you also wanted money for half the time, as well as cigarettes).
You didn't have gas money for my car. You didn't help with the oil change, help with the payments or help with the insurance, but you drove the fuck out of it. You borrowed it and acted as a taxi for your friends but never really had anything to throw my way as far as compensation. I let it slide for so long because i was hoping that getting to see your friends and have band practice and getting your cigarettes would help you with your depression, because I had no idea what else to do to help you. It didn't work.
I spent half of my time dating you basically living at your sister's house. She didn't like me. It was fucking boring there. Sure, there was internet (thankfully) but there's nothing to do and nowhere to walk on that side of town. I could have spent those nights in my own bed at my dad's instead and had an even better time because I actually had belongings there. But we stayed at your sisters. You literally spent the ENTIRE time in the garage smoking, getting high, and playing your guitar. It was cold out there and the dogs were usually with you (and I dislike dogs and told you this every time you asked me to hang out with you there.)
Speaking of my own bed, I never got to sleep in it. Ever. You hated going to my dad's. You felt like it was somehow the worst thing ever to not be in town for a night even though there's as little to do at your sisters, and at least at my dad's I didn't have to deal with her whining and bitching to us the entire time because we ate one of her 40 tv dinners. And I got to sleep under my covers, in the comfort of my room with my bookshelves filled with things I love and I would get to see my brother. But getting you to agree to go there was like pulling out someone's fingernails.
The off chance we'd get to go somewhere together because you somehow managed to wake up before 4pm, it was never just us. You were never happy just spending time with me. You always had to invite someone. Sometimes a LOT of people. I even told you how uncomfortable I felt around large groups of people and how I had social anxiety. You never stopped the invitations though. And not once could we walk to the gas station and back without you pulling out your phone and making a call.
The bean... Yes, I loved open mic night, once I starting getting Lacey to come with me. Because you NEVER spent that time with me. It's not an issue of me not wanting you to hang out with everyone there that's your friend, it's an issue of you not even trying to include me even though YOU KNOW I HAVE SOCIAL ANXIETY. At least you SHOULD have known that since I TOLD YOU MORE THAN ONCE. If we were inside for more than 10 minutes you wanted to go back outside, if we were outside hanging out with people for more than ten minutes you wanted to go back in. Then you'd want a smoke, then you'd want to run out back to get high and then you'd repeat this the whole night until you finally played your set (at closing time) and I'd dutifully sit there, exhausted and lonely, and record you playing.
I'm sure you were happy about me doing this... But considering all this shit I did for you, you didn't seem very grateful when you'd tell me what not to spend my money on. My money. Our only income that I busted my ass to get for us. And you were always trying to change me. You didn't want me to dye or cut my hair because you liked it brown and long and as natural as possible. When we started dating I was working on growing my hair out anyway, but get SO UPSET when I wanted to cut some of it off, and change the style a bit and maybe put a little new color in it. THAT'S WHO THE FUCK I AM. And you felt like it was wrong of me.
AND speaking of being my HAIR. I fucking like Lady Gaga. I don't like the movie Yellow Submarine. I don't much care for any of the Beatles movies honestly. Their music is lovely though, and you showed me that (since I was put off by their movies I never listened to it before)... But when I say I like Lady Gaga you spend the next hour bitching about how you think she's "everything that's wrong with the world" and how you'd be cool if she died. And yet, if I say I didn't like the shitty cartoon and say that's what put me off the the Beatles? You ask me to stop talking about it because it's hurting the way you think of me. Where was your respect of me when I wanted you to shut the hell up? You do that to ALL of your friends. Remember when Victor asked you to stop talking about religion because it made him uncomfortable? And you'd be like "okay, but blah blah religion blah, you know!?" He said stop. It means stop. Not finish what you were saying. Not try to explain it even more so that he "understands." It means change the subject. Now.
And that night I went to Taco Bell to talk to Rob? I just wanted to catch up. I thought you'd go with me so you wouldn't be paranoid and I'd literally just catch up because, in case you didn't notice, i had no real friends in your crowd. I was actually closer to Rob's friends after 3 months than I was with some of your friends after 6. I met Nate before we started dating, and he's the only one I still talk to (because instead of helping me through my anxieties you just threw me in and let me drown). I never intended to be with Rob again. Ask anyone. That may be hurtful to him, but when I burn a bridge I don't normally try to build a new one. But your absolute refusal to come with me, and wanting to put it off to a later time that was better for us (despite the fact that it was MY schedule since I was the only one with a job, and I was perfectly fine with going to Taco Bell at 1am since I'd be up til 5 anyway.) You shut me out and shut down. You didn't try. You didn't talk to me about. You just refused to go. That's when I realized that you'd never be there for me. ever. You weren't the guy I needed, you were just the guy I had thought I wanted.
STILL despite that, I wasn't planning on hooking back up with Rob. But talking to him about how everything has been made me realize that everything with me hadn't been okay. All that shit had finally hit me. Everything I'd been putting up with was clear as day and I realized I was really unhappy. You can say I never said anything to let you help me and that you noticed I was upset... But I did tell you. You just thought that what I was telling you wasn't important. It wasn't important to you that I see my brother, sleep in my bed, spend time with just you or feel comfortable in social situations that you wanted me in but didn't want to reserve any of that time to be with me. Those things were the problem. I told you about those things. Why did you never listen if you had actually loved me so damn much?
And you know who cared, has always tried and to this day meets me with nothing but love and acceptance? Rob. You know who never puts me in social situations I'm not comfortable with? Rob. You know who wants to be right there by my side when I do decide to be in a large group? Rob does. Because he listens when I tell him something is wrong, or that i need help.
At least I broke up with you when I realized I couldn't have the relationship I wanted to have with you. I wanted to have it with you. I wanted it to be you and me forever. But you definitely weren't the guy I needed, and no matter how much you loved and cared about the girl you thought I could be, the girl I was (and am) wasn't what you needed either.
XoXo,
S
October 08, 2012
Blogging
I'm trying to crochet a hat and it's the first time for me to use a written pattern with no visual help (besides a finished product) and also my first hat being made in the round. I'm not so sure it's turning out right, but oh well. There was no cutting ends so I should be able to unravel the whole thing when I'm done if I don't like it :)
ANYWAY, I just realized that my blog was automatically putting anonymous comments into my spam folder. Some of those comments weren't spam and the spam folder cleans itself out every month I believe. So I feel like a terrible blog owner. I'm actually getting comments here and there and didn't even know it. :C
It's also pretty exciting that I only have about 500-600 entries and 4500ish views.
I don't normally talk about blogging, but it's been my favorite and most long standing hobby since 2005, starting way back on Xanga where I vented my high school frustrations and gave overly detailed descriptions of my day to day living.
And here I am now.
XoXo,
S
ANYWAY, I just realized that my blog was automatically putting anonymous comments into my spam folder. Some of those comments weren't spam and the spam folder cleans itself out every month I believe. So I feel like a terrible blog owner. I'm actually getting comments here and there and didn't even know it. :C
It's also pretty exciting that I only have about 500-600 entries and 4500ish views.
I don't normally talk about blogging, but it's been my favorite and most long standing hobby since 2005, starting way back on Xanga where I vented my high school frustrations and gave overly detailed descriptions of my day to day living.
And here I am now.
XoXo,
S
October 07, 2012
Self Harm and Celebrating My Birth.
Maybe it's a combination of a lot of things, but I've been sensitive to self-harm triggers this last week or so. Not one particular thing so much as a series of events. Post Secrets is always filled with self hate. It's always a very humanizing time for me to read them. Pulls me down to earth, forces me to feel sympathy and sadness. Then one pops up. It's a self harm with a very real photo of a razor and freshly cut skin. I still cringe thinking about it. Feel sick almost.
I used to obsess over pictures like that. Find pictures of scarred up arms and legs, razors and blood. Now I see them and feel all that hurt and shame and sadness again, knowing that someone isn't handling the pressures in life and feeling guilty that I managed to get passed that and function and exist happily now when some people won't make it.
I used to obsess over pictures like that. Find pictures of scarred up arms and legs, razors and blood. Now I see them and feel all that hurt and shame and sadness again, knowing that someone isn't handling the pressures in life and feeling guilty that I managed to get passed that and function and exist happily now when some people won't make it.
Then the Manson song get your gun came on, and I'm driving down the highway and the line "I slit my teenage wrists" comes up and I think back to that photo again. I'm wearing some rave-y bracelets with a hoody on, and suddenly the pressure of them on my wrists feels sickeningly like blood. I feels like my arms are cut open and the blood is making the hoodie sleeve stick to them. Just thinking about it. Just thinking of the feeling and suddenly my heart is racing and my breathing got jagged and I feel like I'm about to have a panic attack.
I pulled myself together in a few minutes, but it's something new. I've never been sensitive to triggers like that. Not in such an emotionally stimulated way. I've gotten angry, but never so vulnerable. I'm not going to pretend that I don't think about self harm anymore. I do more often than I like to admit (though not as often recently, and not in the same way I did)... But it's never been like this.
I pulled myself together in a few minutes, but it's something new. I've never been sensitive to triggers like that. Not in such an emotionally stimulated way. I've gotten angry, but never so vulnerable. I'm not going to pretend that I don't think about self harm anymore. I do more often than I like to admit (though not as often recently, and not in the same way I did)... But it's never been like this.
It was mostly a great birthday though. I just don't feel like bragging about my amazing day. It was a day to spend away from my normal everyday pains and I took advantage of it.
Here's me, age 23
xoxo,
s
October 05, 2012
growing up
I was at Ulta today, gushing over expensive makeup, telling myself I'd save up and buy some... And I realized that i was most likely to buy something like foundation, base or a sealant. In high school (or even just a couple years ago) I'd have gone straight for the expensive high pigment eye shadows.
It's not that I don't still want that intense bruise-like purple, and the green and blue and so on. I want them so bad. But I guess I realized that I'd get more use out of those three. A good foundation can be used every day just to give you a good natural boost. A good eyeshadow base will make ANY pigment look better and help you apply it, and a good sealant will keep our face in place even if you're using cheap crap. Those are the important factors in good make-up, not just having good eye shadows applied in a pretty way.
I just thought I'd share how much more mature I am not that I turn 23 in 2 minutes. :)
XoXo,
S
It's not that I don't still want that intense bruise-like purple, and the green and blue and so on. I want them so bad. But I guess I realized that I'd get more use out of those three. A good foundation can be used every day just to give you a good natural boost. A good eyeshadow base will make ANY pigment look better and help you apply it, and a good sealant will keep our face in place even if you're using cheap crap. Those are the important factors in good make-up, not just having good eye shadows applied in a pretty way.
I just thought I'd share how much more mature I am not that I turn 23 in 2 minutes. :)
XoXo,
S
October 01, 2012
closure?
I'm glad I decided to look through those photos of your birthday on facebook, because it made me realize that I don't miss YOU, I miss the people I got to hang out with because of you. You're friends were my biggest loss in me breaking up with you.
XoXo,
S
XoXo,
S
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