It's not that I don't want you to be happy. I just want to you be alone.
on a brighter note, my mom is starting to see things properly. I just hope she takes care of stuff.
XoXo,
S
December 22, 2010
December 19, 2010
life stuff
Finals are done. I'm on break. Going through crazy life stuff.
Christmas is coming up. I'm broke. Then we have the new year and I get to feel like I'm starting all over again even though it's just a continuation of the samd hours and days, not a new set of them.
Oh well.
XoXo
S
Christmas is coming up. I'm broke. Then we have the new year and I get to feel like I'm starting all over again even though it's just a continuation of the samd hours and days, not a new set of them.
Oh well.
XoXo
S
December 04, 2010
December 03, 2010
Now.
If I could find the words to describe what's going on in my life right now, I still wouldn't share it. I'm the happiest and most anxious and lost I've ever been.
I'll save it all for another day though.
XoXo,
S
I'll save it all for another day though.
XoXo,
S
November 27, 2010
updates
I'm currently downloading WoW onto my laptop because Wrath of the Lich King was only $10 online... I don't even have play time and if I want to have a little money left over for gas I can't get it for a while, but I figured I may as well download now, right?
But I'm already bogging down my neighbor's internet with my download so no uploads of my amazing adventures in Kentucky yet.
buuut
-I got my Christmas tree up, because my dad gave me some money to buy one cuz he's awsome
-I brought Rob with me for Thanksgiving and everything went well.
-My brother got me an early Christmas present because he'll be off at Tech School for the air force over the holidays. Scribblenauts! I love it. It's so cute.
-I've learned a trick on the hula hoop already and can do it somewhat fluently with my right hand, and not so well with my left. I need to get this junk out of my bedroom so I can work on it more.
XoXo,
s
But I'm already bogging down my neighbor's internet with my download so no uploads of my amazing adventures in Kentucky yet.
buuut
-I got my Christmas tree up, because my dad gave me some money to buy one cuz he's awsome
-I brought Rob with me for Thanksgiving and everything went well.
-My brother got me an early Christmas present because he'll be off at Tech School for the air force over the holidays. Scribblenauts! I love it. It's so cute.
-I've learned a trick on the hula hoop already and can do it somewhat fluently with my right hand, and not so well with my left. I need to get this junk out of my bedroom so I can work on it more.
XoXo,
s
November 22, 2010
no intetnets, just Droid
so, both of my computers refuse to connect to the internet, leaving me with nothing but my phone. lucky Droid has an app for Blogger :)
the Dolls were amazing! I'll post pics once I have web access. I touched her. it was amazing. and the drive there and back was fun. A rarity. But then again, most of the time I spend with Rob is fun like that.
At the show there were people spinning flaming Hula hoops. It looked like fun. Then Rob made a character to look like me on his game Soul Calibur 4 that had a weapon that could only be described as a deadly hula hoop... so I decided to go to Walmart and buy myself some hula hoops.
I could never hoop befirr, but I'm catching on. I love it. Now, someday when I live in a good city, I can vial because I'll have a talent that can earn me money on the street. YES.
More later
XoXo,
S
the Dolls were amazing! I'll post pics once I have web access. I touched her. it was amazing. and the drive there and back was fun. A rarity. But then again, most of the time I spend with Rob is fun like that.
At the show there were people spinning flaming Hula hoops. It looked like fun. Then Rob made a character to look like me on his game Soul Calibur 4 that had a weapon that could only be described as a deadly hula hoop... so I decided to go to Walmart and buy myself some hula hoops.
I could never hoop befirr, but I'm catching on. I love it. Now, someday when I live in a good city, I can vial because I'll have a talent that can earn me money on the street. YES.
More later
XoXo,
S
November 13, 2010
November 10, 2010
college stuff :)
Also, I did my new schedule for school! Taking some low level math class and a lovely class called Gender and Sexuality. The tues/thurs french classes were all full so I have to wait til spring semester 2012 :\ I'll have forgotten most of my french by then and not be in a class with anyone I've met, but I'll live. I'll also be able to do school full time next year cuz I'll get FAFSA done on time this year! I think I'll officially be a sophomore after that. Yeah, 2 years after starting. haha.
College=loves, liberation, and the start of me actually living.
XoXo,
s
College=loves, liberation, and the start of me actually living.
XoXo,
s
important! ish.
I had two bad french tests in a row. I sent my pokewalker through the washer and killed my butterfree. I mean, I only had her on there because I don't need her in my line-up, but I still feel bad. I'm getting a replacement one once I have the money.
More importantly...
I SEE THE DRESDEN DOLLS ON SUNDAY.
I'm so excited. SO EXCITED.
Now that you've gotten the part of my blog where I talk sadly about my life, and about something fun, here's my big angry pet-peeve rant:
Why is it when you're facing something that intrudes your rights as a human you're always told that there's nothing you can do about it and it's best to just ignore it? Ignoring it doesn't change problems. As adults the things we face are usually far from the average high school bully, so why are we acting like children and pretending the problems don't exists? What was ever changed or accomplished by ignoring the unpleasant? Why should we live an unhappy life just because making it happy will take a lot of work? Settle for annoying because it would take work to have happy? Sounds great to me.
It's also challenging to deal with people who claim to be open minded and liberal but mantain closedmindedness. Unless it's a situation that I've experience both sides of I usually take the other opinion into consideration. If it's not completely insane I usually expand on my original opinion to cover or include what they said. But that's just me.
No pictures today, but I'll post a lot after the concert. Hopefully.
XoXo
S
I'm going to start tagging my posts again, I noticed while I was going through old entries that I used to do that a lot, and they were usually interesting tags thrown in :)
More importantly...
I SEE THE DRESDEN DOLLS ON SUNDAY.
I'm so excited. SO EXCITED.
Now that you've gotten the part of my blog where I talk sadly about my life, and about something fun, here's my big angry pet-peeve rant:
Why is it when you're facing something that intrudes your rights as a human you're always told that there's nothing you can do about it and it's best to just ignore it? Ignoring it doesn't change problems. As adults the things we face are usually far from the average high school bully, so why are we acting like children and pretending the problems don't exists? What was ever changed or accomplished by ignoring the unpleasant? Why should we live an unhappy life just because making it happy will take a lot of work? Settle for annoying because it would take work to have happy? Sounds great to me.
It's also challenging to deal with people who claim to be open minded and liberal but mantain closedmindedness. Unless it's a situation that I've experience both sides of I usually take the other opinion into consideration. If it's not completely insane I usually expand on my original opinion to cover or include what they said. But that's just me.
No pictures today, but I'll post a lot after the concert. Hopefully.
XoXo
S
I'm going to start tagging my posts again, I noticed while I was going through old entries that I used to do that a lot, and they were usually interesting tags thrown in :)
November 03, 2010
je ne sais jamais. :\
I want to have the motivation to draw. I want to write. I want French to finally click. I want to get away from this house and away from people who steal from me and use me as if I serve no other purpose to them. I just want to be happy.
I'm going to see the Dresden Dolls on the 13th. Or is it the 14th? Either way, it's pretty much what's got me holding on for now. Hopefully I'll manage two beautiful new tattoos to help me remember such a meaningful event.
I'm just going to keep reminding myself that all of this is temporary. Someday, all this debt I'm building from school will pay off and I'll be able to make everything better.
Of course, I'll give up 100 times before I stop trying. . .
XoXo
S
I'm going to see the Dresden Dolls on the 13th. Or is it the 14th? Either way, it's pretty much what's got me holding on for now. Hopefully I'll manage two beautiful new tattoos to help me remember such a meaningful event.
I'm just going to keep reminding myself that all of this is temporary. Someday, all this debt I'm building from school will pay off and I'll be able to make everything better.
Of course, I'll give up 100 times before I stop trying. . .
XoXo
S
October 24, 2010
October 08, 2010
I think I've figured this out.
I haven't heard much from Rob today :( I'm saaad. I miss him.
Been kinda down in the dumps. I won't say that I miss my ignorance, regardless of how blissful it made me, but there's not much that can make me feel better right now.
I wish I could blame society and the media on the way men look at women, and they way OTHER women look at themselves... but really, it's not just them. We see the barbie doll runway models and nude suggestive ads as nothing more than some freak unobtainble goal to the masses. I've never look at some airbrushed ad in my magazine and thought "why can't I be as perfect as her?" because I know SHE isn't as perfect as her photo wants us to believe.
What's really harmful is the way normal women disrespect THEMSELVES. Portraits used to be my favorite form of art. I'd browse them for hours... but now I look at them and all I see is the real reason why men see us as nothing more than some sweet, innocent, sex object. That's the ONLY way we seem to portray ourselves. There's nothing wrong with being sexy. There's nothing wrong with women being sexual. But if they one way your potray yourself to others is as a girl posing seductively with little to no clothing on, that's all anyone is going to see.
Why do women have to be submissive or have an air of innocence about them in order to be sexy? Why can't women be aggressive, be the dominant? Why does every photo of a women have to have this "golly gee, look at me and all my innocence! I sure hope some strong man doesn't come take advange of me" look to it. YES, you can read THAT MUCH into a facial expression. It doesn't always register in our minds, but it touches at our instincts.
As much as sexual desire has to do with instinct (I've kept up on research regarding sexual attraction. VERY interesting) a lot of it is learned through every day experiences. It wasn't until recently that being 20lbs underweight (with breasts and a butt, of course) were the sexiest body shape. So why aren't we trying to break away from the unobtainable and enforcing the fact that healthy women are sexy to? And that women can be and look strong, smart and sexy all at once?
If we've trained ourselves to think fighting against our bodies natrual shape is a good thing, why can 't we train everyone to look at women differently? I realized today that I've spent a good part of my teens (and now) going out of my way to break free of the standards we've set for women. I didn't even do it on purpose. I'm still damn sexy with my masculine tattoos, shaved hair and AGES of makeup that made me look intimidating instead of cuter.
What does it take to begin to change the minds of women, reset the standards of beauty and make everyone a little less self loathing about our bodies? Think of how much better we'd all feel if people of a wider variety of shapes, sizes, ages, heights and races were portrayed more through the media? Someone to represent everyone instead of a bunch of people who represent less than 5% of women and men?
I feel kind of hopeless right now.
X0X0
S
Been kinda down in the dumps. I won't say that I miss my ignorance, regardless of how blissful it made me, but there's not much that can make me feel better right now.
I wish I could blame society and the media on the way men look at women, and they way OTHER women look at themselves... but really, it's not just them. We see the barbie doll runway models and nude suggestive ads as nothing more than some freak unobtainble goal to the masses. I've never look at some airbrushed ad in my magazine and thought "why can't I be as perfect as her?" because I know SHE isn't as perfect as her photo wants us to believe.
What's really harmful is the way normal women disrespect THEMSELVES. Portraits used to be my favorite form of art. I'd browse them for hours... but now I look at them and all I see is the real reason why men see us as nothing more than some sweet, innocent, sex object. That's the ONLY way we seem to portray ourselves. There's nothing wrong with being sexy. There's nothing wrong with women being sexual. But if they one way your potray yourself to others is as a girl posing seductively with little to no clothing on, that's all anyone is going to see.
Why do women have to be submissive or have an air of innocence about them in order to be sexy? Why can't women be aggressive, be the dominant? Why does every photo of a women have to have this "golly gee, look at me and all my innocence! I sure hope some strong man doesn't come take advange of me" look to it. YES, you can read THAT MUCH into a facial expression. It doesn't always register in our minds, but it touches at our instincts.
As much as sexual desire has to do with instinct (I've kept up on research regarding sexual attraction. VERY interesting) a lot of it is learned through every day experiences. It wasn't until recently that being 20lbs underweight (with breasts and a butt, of course) were the sexiest body shape. So why aren't we trying to break away from the unobtainable and enforcing the fact that healthy women are sexy to? And that women can be and look strong, smart and sexy all at once?
If we've trained ourselves to think fighting against our bodies natrual shape is a good thing, why can 't we train everyone to look at women differently? I realized today that I've spent a good part of my teens (and now) going out of my way to break free of the standards we've set for women. I didn't even do it on purpose. I'm still damn sexy with my masculine tattoos, shaved hair and AGES of makeup that made me look intimidating instead of cuter.
What does it take to begin to change the minds of women, reset the standards of beauty and make everyone a little less self loathing about our bodies? Think of how much better we'd all feel if people of a wider variety of shapes, sizes, ages, heights and races were portrayed more through the media? Someone to represent everyone instead of a bunch of people who represent less than 5% of women and men?
I feel kind of hopeless right now.
X0X0
S
October 04, 2010
Kitteh
I met my new kitty last night. I bring her home in a few days. I get my other one Wednesday. Yeah, I'm pretty much getting two kittens for my birthday. I'm naming them gitsy and michael :D
I'm sitting in my apartment in my underwear, because I don't have to worry about someone popping up. It's awesome. Prooobably not something I'll do often, but I will right now cuz I can. :P
I'll post pictures of mykittehs when I get them here!
XoXo
S
I'm sitting in my apartment in my underwear, because I don't have to worry about someone popping up. It's awesome. Prooobably not something I'll do often, but I will right now cuz I can. :P
I'll post pictures of mykittehs when I get them here!
XoXo
S
October 03, 2010
awkwardness
I'm sitting on the beanbag chair in my new apartment. I got my computer set up nicely, and my tv. I only really get Fox and PBS, and I'm 100% okay with this. I also found internet to a... borrow. (My mom knows the people who I'm borrowing from, they said we should feel free to use it when we need it. As long as I remember to disconnect when I'm not using it they're cool.)
Driving here was the most awkward thing ever. And sitting here feels so... different. But I got my bathroom put together. My bleach stained towels are all visible. At least I have the one comfort of home.
I think I'm going to put my beanbag chair and pillows and blankets below my skylight and watch the clouds. Sounds relaxing right? :)
XoXo
S
Driving here was the most awkward thing ever. And sitting here feels so... different. But I got my bathroom put together. My bleach stained towels are all visible. At least I have the one comfort of home.
I think I'm going to put my beanbag chair and pillows and blankets below my skylight and watch the clouds. Sounds relaxing right? :)
XoXo
S
September 29, 2010
Moving!
Today's gonna be a big day. Getting most of my moving done (hopefully) and (hopefully) getting everything done with painting.
The medicine I got for the hives/bed bugs barely worked... and it left me open for infection so I'm feeling sick right now... and then I found out that I was having an allergic reaction to it. I think I'm pretty much done with going to the doctors now unless I REALLY need it. I mean, I almost had a migraine yesterday, but I didn't. It's been almost a month since my last one. I think I'm in pretty damn good health now. (go me)
I got stuff to do. I have a boyfriend to go pick up (fuuuuuck he's AMAZING. I've never been treated this well before in my LIFE.)
XoXo,
S
September 25, 2010
bed bugs?
Monday morning: woke up covered in a ridiculously itchy red rash thing. Went to a doctor because of how bad it was. There were over 500 individual bites (at least I still assume that's what they were/are) and in some places, so many it was just a red patch (like the one that went way up my leg.)
Got a shot in my ass and some pills to get rid of the "hives" and some for the itching.
Tuesday: everything looks like it's clearing up. Pills help with the itching fine and dandy.
Wednesday: This get even better, but it still ITCHES LIKE A MOFO.
Thursday: A few more bites. Not a lot, just a few, but they ITCH.
Friday: a few more bites, much itchier, but anti-itch pills seem to still work fairly well for a few hours after I take them.
Today: about 30 new bites in ONE NIGHT. I'm so itchy I want to CRY.
I've torn apart my bed. There are no signs of bed bugs in any nooks or crannys, or on my comforter or my pillow or anywhere. I layed a strip of tape (sticky side up) across the edge of my mattress in hopes of catching at least one of whatever it is that's making me like this. No suck luck.
Whoever is responcible for banning the chemical that killed these mother fucking bugs needs anally raped with sandpaper and itching powder.
And, what's the most annoying part in all of this? we PAID a doctor to look at me and give me a shot and pills that were supposed to make me unable to have an allergic reaction, and yet here I am with MORE BITES. Fuck you doctors, FUCK YOU.
XoXo,
S
Got a shot in my ass and some pills to get rid of the "hives" and some for the itching.
Tuesday: everything looks like it's clearing up. Pills help with the itching fine and dandy.
Wednesday: This get even better, but it still ITCHES LIKE A MOFO.
Thursday: A few more bites. Not a lot, just a few, but they ITCH.
Friday: a few more bites, much itchier, but anti-itch pills seem to still work fairly well for a few hours after I take them.
Today: about 30 new bites in ONE NIGHT. I'm so itchy I want to CRY.
I've torn apart my bed. There are no signs of bed bugs in any nooks or crannys, or on my comforter or my pillow or anywhere. I layed a strip of tape (sticky side up) across the edge of my mattress in hopes of catching at least one of whatever it is that's making me like this. No suck luck.
Whoever is responcible for banning the chemical that killed these mother fucking bugs needs anally raped with sandpaper and itching powder.
And, what's the most annoying part in all of this? we PAID a doctor to look at me and give me a shot and pills that were supposed to make me unable to have an allergic reaction, and yet here I am with MORE BITES. Fuck you doctors, FUCK YOU.
XoXo,
S
September 10, 2010
Oppressive nature of ass holes
I have a boyfriend, he's nerdy and cute and the sweetest guy I've ever met. He's the only thing stopping me from snapping right now.
On a less happy note; I hate how much my eyes have been open to different kinds of oppression. Mostly things I experience personally.
To that I say;
Dear boss, we as workers in the United States have the right to a healthy and safe work enviroment. I don't find you're racist jokes to be funny. I don't find it funny when you joke about abusive relationships people have actually been in, and I'm pretty sure most of us don't enjoy you making sexual inuendos and constant sexual remarks about other employees or customers. We actually don't have to put up with your attitude. By treating certain employees better based off of your liking of them and not on their ability, you're taking us out of our healthy enviroment.
Dear girl who won't be named,
I have every right to bitch about whatever I want to. So does anyone else. When someone is being wronged in this sense, their options aren't "suck it up" or "quit." To make a radical comparision, would you tell a black woman who was facing rascism to either suck it up or go somewhere else? No, because her rights are being violated. A less radical comparision: Would you tell a girl who was being bullied to either suck it up or quick school? No.
If there's a problem, you don't deal with it by ignoring it or by walking away unless those are your only options. You take action to change what's wrong. While you have every right to be annoyed and express your annoyance, it's also not that hard to block someone's updates or remove them from your friends list. That way you aren't demanding that someone give up their right to speak their mind. If you don't like drama, then don't talk about things that don't involve yourself. Plain and simple. If you don't like that people actually want to confront the problems at work, "suck it the fuck up or quit, no one is stopping you."
Oh wait, NO ONE is in a possition to quit their jobs right now. Otherwise why would you put up with all this drama that you apparantly hate?
And of course,
Dear co-workers,
Maybe I'm the only one who actually DOESN'T like being pissed off every day at work. I'm thinking I am, because NO ONE wants to stand up for themselves. You face open discrimination and do nothing about it but sit back and accept it as normal. It's not okay. I made the offer to have you all stand up with me, and you all back down in cowerdace. I'm ashamed, in a sense.
XoXo,
S
On a less happy note; I hate how much my eyes have been open to different kinds of oppression. Mostly things I experience personally.
To that I say;
Dear boss, we as workers in the United States have the right to a healthy and safe work enviroment. I don't find you're racist jokes to be funny. I don't find it funny when you joke about abusive relationships people have actually been in, and I'm pretty sure most of us don't enjoy you making sexual inuendos and constant sexual remarks about other employees or customers. We actually don't have to put up with your attitude. By treating certain employees better based off of your liking of them and not on their ability, you're taking us out of our healthy enviroment.
Dear girl who won't be named,
I have every right to bitch about whatever I want to. So does anyone else. When someone is being wronged in this sense, their options aren't "suck it up" or "quit." To make a radical comparision, would you tell a black woman who was facing rascism to either suck it up or go somewhere else? No, because her rights are being violated. A less radical comparision: Would you tell a girl who was being bullied to either suck it up or quick school? No.
If there's a problem, you don't deal with it by ignoring it or by walking away unless those are your only options. You take action to change what's wrong. While you have every right to be annoyed and express your annoyance, it's also not that hard to block someone's updates or remove them from your friends list. That way you aren't demanding that someone give up their right to speak their mind. If you don't like drama, then don't talk about things that don't involve yourself. Plain and simple. If you don't like that people actually want to confront the problems at work, "suck it the fuck up or quit, no one is stopping you."
Oh wait, NO ONE is in a possition to quit their jobs right now. Otherwise why would you put up with all this drama that you apparantly hate?
And of course,
Dear co-workers,
Maybe I'm the only one who actually DOESN'T like being pissed off every day at work. I'm thinking I am, because NO ONE wants to stand up for themselves. You face open discrimination and do nothing about it but sit back and accept it as normal. It's not okay. I made the offer to have you all stand up with me, and you all back down in cowerdace. I'm ashamed, in a sense.
XoXo,
S
September 07, 2010
way too damn good
Life has been amazing. Things I was sure of have twisted around and changed. He's a quick rundown:
1. Rob came to see me at school today. Cuz I was bored, and he's awesome. We hung out last Friday, are hanging out tomorrow and then again Friday. Yeah, I'm happy. ^_^!
2. Me a girl, Tara, through my WS class. She's the shit. We're going to Coney Island durning my down time on Thursday. She has a mohawk, tattoos, and is epic.
3. Dion comes to chill with me for a little bit every school day, and is funny as hell.
4. the hippie dreadlock guy from Subway came to sit with me, dion, rob, and carrie today. Also, he was epic.
5. My brother and I won't be moving together. I'm moving into the upstairs of my mom's daycare. 2 decent sized bedrooms and a full bathroom to myself, and then share the upstairs storage room and kitchen with my mom/daycare (during daycare hours) for only like $100-$150 a month.
6. classes are going really well, I think. I'm starting to get back into feminism. I've gone into the passive "I don't care anymore" phase for a long time now. I'm starting to give a shit again. I'll be an angry feminist yet! GOOD BYE SHAVED LEGS! (Ha, yeah right.) and I'm getting french to a degree I never did with Mrs. J. I don't remember all the vocab, but I'm doing good.
7. (oooooh hai thar) I heard from michelle today! ^_^
8. the Dolls are touring. I know what my next tattoo will be! I'm getting either my back or legs or arms signed and getting that shit PERMANENT.
I'm loving everything in my life right now. I kinda have that feeling that I'm gonna have to make up for all the good with a lot of bad... Like that song says "something's gotta go wrong cuz I'm feeling way too damn good." but I think I've just finally hit that point in my life where I've made it through all that shit.
and again (if you be reading!) I think I owe a lot of this to reading the old advice from Michelle, about always smiling no matter what and looking at the bright side. It worked. I <3 ya!
XoXo,
S
1. Rob came to see me at school today. Cuz I was bored, and he's awesome. We hung out last Friday, are hanging out tomorrow and then again Friday. Yeah, I'm happy. ^_^!
2. Me a girl, Tara, through my WS class. She's the shit. We're going to Coney Island durning my down time on Thursday. She has a mohawk, tattoos, and is epic.
3. Dion comes to chill with me for a little bit every school day, and is funny as hell.
4. the hippie dreadlock guy from Subway came to sit with me, dion, rob, and carrie today. Also, he was epic.
5. My brother and I won't be moving together. I'm moving into the upstairs of my mom's daycare. 2 decent sized bedrooms and a full bathroom to myself, and then share the upstairs storage room and kitchen with my mom/daycare (during daycare hours) for only like $100-$150 a month.
6. classes are going really well, I think. I'm starting to get back into feminism. I've gone into the passive "I don't care anymore" phase for a long time now. I'm starting to give a shit again. I'll be an angry feminist yet! GOOD BYE SHAVED LEGS! (Ha, yeah right.) and I'm getting french to a degree I never did with Mrs. J. I don't remember all the vocab, but I'm doing good.
7. (oooooh hai thar) I heard from michelle today! ^_^
8. the Dolls are touring. I know what my next tattoo will be! I'm getting either my back or legs or arms signed and getting that shit PERMANENT.
I'm loving everything in my life right now. I kinda have that feeling that I'm gonna have to make up for all the good with a lot of bad... Like that song says "something's gotta go wrong cuz I'm feeling way too damn good." but I think I've just finally hit that point in my life where I've made it through all that shit.
and again (if you be reading!) I think I owe a lot of this to reading the old advice from Michelle, about always smiling no matter what and looking at the bright side. It worked. I <3 ya!
XoXo,
S
August 31, 2010
August 29, 2010
oooooh yeeeeah. :P
1st week of school up.
I went to the rave. Totally by myself. I met cool people. I had FUN.
I need to keep this up. I've been HAPPY. Content. I'm doing my homework in a timely fashion. I'm being productive.
I move to Waynedale soon. I'm so excited to get out of this place.
wish me luck.
XoXo,
S
I went to the rave. Totally by myself. I met cool people. I had FUN.
I need to keep this up. I've been HAPPY. Content. I'm doing my homework in a timely fashion. I'm being productive.
I move to Waynedale soon. I'm so excited to get out of this place.
wish me luck.
XoXo,
S
August 26, 2010
College
I'm really tired, but I want to get started on my French homework so I can be prepared for my next class. I like knowing answers when I'm called on. I also need to think of a topic for my community project in Intro to WS.
Anyway, college life...
I love being on campus. I love walking from one building to another and seeing loads of people chilling in the grass, on the benches, around the building. I love being around tons of people all the time (but not knowing any of them, so not having to deal with any shit.) I wish I were better at meeting people though. I've started talking more to the people I sit next to in class today. It's hard to ignore them though, the girl in WS is talkative (not in a bad way, I like people who are really extroverted since I have a very introverted personality) and the girl I sat next to in French today had the same Dresden Dolls shirt I have, a septum piercing and lots of tattoos. Yeah. I LOVE the people at college. So many mohawks, so many tattoos and so many piercings on so many differnet types of people.
I was invited to some techno thing tomorrow night. I'm afraid to go alone because I know now that I won't know anyone. At the same time, I don't want to miss out just because I'm afraid of being alone in a crowd of people. Just because I'm shy and have trouble meeting new people, I end up cheating myself out of fun times. I don't want to do that anymore, but I don't want to be in over my head either.
I'll figure it out. Who knows.
XoXo,
S
Anyway, college life...
I love being on campus. I love walking from one building to another and seeing loads of people chilling in the grass, on the benches, around the building. I love being around tons of people all the time (but not knowing any of them, so not having to deal with any shit.) I wish I were better at meeting people though. I've started talking more to the people I sit next to in class today. It's hard to ignore them though, the girl in WS is talkative (not in a bad way, I like people who are really extroverted since I have a very introverted personality) and the girl I sat next to in French today had the same Dresden Dolls shirt I have, a septum piercing and lots of tattoos. Yeah. I LOVE the people at college. So many mohawks, so many tattoos and so many piercings on so many differnet types of people.
I was invited to some techno thing tomorrow night. I'm afraid to go alone because I know now that I won't know anyone. At the same time, I don't want to miss out just because I'm afraid of being alone in a crowd of people. Just because I'm shy and have trouble meeting new people, I end up cheating myself out of fun times. I don't want to do that anymore, but I don't want to be in over my head either.
I'll figure it out. Who knows.
XoXo,
S
August 22, 2010
August 20, 2010
preparing
Getting things ready for the GLITTER party tomorrow. Hopefully everything goes smoothly. It's not exactly a big party, but it's bigger than girls night, and a preparation for my birthday party, so I know what I need to get done and when and what not to do.
I still need to talk to my neighbors about telling us to quiet down if we get too loud. I don't want anything bad to happen, and we're usually pretty mellow (but giggly) with these things. Only 3 people are gonna be there that I'm not used to being around when alcohol is involved, and, if worse comes to worse I'll just have to ask them to leave :(
I can't wait for my birthday. A bit over a month away.
4 months of school coming up. I'm so nervous and I know I'm going to be exhausted from not getting any breaks. wish me luck.
XoXo,
S
I still need to talk to my neighbors about telling us to quiet down if we get too loud. I don't want anything bad to happen, and we're usually pretty mellow (but giggly) with these things. Only 3 people are gonna be there that I'm not used to being around when alcohol is involved, and, if worse comes to worse I'll just have to ask them to leave :(
I can't wait for my birthday. A bit over a month away.
4 months of school coming up. I'm so nervous and I know I'm going to be exhausted from not getting any breaks. wish me luck.
XoXo,
S
August 15, 2010
Getting things in order STILL
I startd cleaning my closet, and I need about 25 more hangers to get all the shirts and dresses hung up, and about 30 of the ones with clips for my skirts, and little storage bin to keep my tights from getting ruined. I wanted to finish it all tonight, but my car is at Shiferly's to get fixed tomorrow. No one is home to drive me anywhere. I hate that.
I almost bought a skateboard today :) I still want to learn. Maybe a pair of derby skates instead, idk.
I've been trying to slowly get back to the healthy eating thing I had going on earlier this year, right? Not doing TOO horribly. But I still feel like I could be doing more. I'd save a lot of money if I stopped eating so much fast food. Almost $100 a month, actually. Which would be enough to buy real groceries, which are healthier.
I'm going to try to get back into art. I was looking at my binder from senior year, it's filled with writing and GOOD drawings. I wanna do that again.
XoXo,
S
I almost bought a skateboard today :) I still want to learn. Maybe a pair of derby skates instead, idk.
I've been trying to slowly get back to the healthy eating thing I had going on earlier this year, right? Not doing TOO horribly. But I still feel like I could be doing more. I'd save a lot of money if I stopped eating so much fast food. Almost $100 a month, actually. Which would be enough to buy real groceries, which are healthier.
I'm going to try to get back into art. I was looking at my binder from senior year, it's filled with writing and GOOD drawings. I wanna do that again.
XoXo,
S
August 14, 2010
moar stuff
Still haven't gotten around to finishing my blog on Brittany's hair. I procrastinate... And my laptop has been buggy and messed up, and I've been working on getting college things taken care of. I'll get there though. I will!
Got my finacial aid! Will only have to pay about $50 for classes this semester, plus books. Next semester, depending on if I take two 3 credit classes, or a 3 and a 4 credit class (like I am now) I'll have about $200 extra from my loans so I'll have money for books that won't be taken from my check. I'm so happy everything is coming together.
Me and Jacob are thinking of moving as soon as our lease is up. I'll probably work at his store until I get another job. living closer to school means I can drive myself. No wasting 12 hours of my day at IPFW! I do need to try to find a job in the area though, so that I gtfo of wendy's.
This is my last week of summer. :)
XoXo
s
Got my finacial aid! Will only have to pay about $50 for classes this semester, plus books. Next semester, depending on if I take two 3 credit classes, or a 3 and a 4 credit class (like I am now) I'll have about $200 extra from my loans so I'll have money for books that won't be taken from my check. I'm so happy everything is coming together.
Me and Jacob are thinking of moving as soon as our lease is up. I'll probably work at his store until I get another job. living closer to school means I can drive myself. No wasting 12 hours of my day at IPFW! I do need to try to find a job in the area though, so that I gtfo of wendy's.
This is my last week of summer. :)
XoXo
s
August 11, 2010
Ongoings.
FAFSA e-mailed me, and said that my college will tell me about any grants or loans that I'm eligible for. I check the site and it's not updated yet. I hope gets done SOON. I need to know this stuff, so I know if I have to drop french (which will CRUSH my spirit.) Hopefully I at least get student loans. I NEED them.
And I'm about halfway done with my blog about Brittany's hair. I just need to get the drawings done and put it all together :)
Things are going good. I'm not sure why. Work still stresses me out like nothing else, and there are so many things that I need to get done... I don't know, I used to feel lonely all the time. I don't anymore. It won't last forever. But I'm glad.
I'm trying to get back into my health kick I had for a few months. This is my second pop-free day (okay, there was a little sierra mist in my drink from arby's, but it was mostly light lemonade and fruit punch.) When it stops being so hot I'll start exersizing again. I don't want to be tan, nor do I like sweating or dehydrating. I know I feel 100X's more confident about myself when I'm healthy, and it improves my mood. And I get less migraines. Much less.
I was thinking... I want to start a club at school. Or use people at school to start SOMETHING. Do more with my costume parties. I LOVE planning parties. I don't have money. I get a group of people who love dressing up as much as me, and we pool money together, have a big party somewhere and invite EVERYONE, and charge like $3 at the door. Make money, use it for more parties and for charities and stuff like that. Maybe do actual volunteer work. It could be fun. I'll need to make a bunch of weirdo friends then. :P
XoXo
S
And I'm about halfway done with my blog about Brittany's hair. I just need to get the drawings done and put it all together :)
Things are going good. I'm not sure why. Work still stresses me out like nothing else, and there are so many things that I need to get done... I don't know, I used to feel lonely all the time. I don't anymore. It won't last forever. But I'm glad.
I'm trying to get back into my health kick I had for a few months. This is my second pop-free day (okay, there was a little sierra mist in my drink from arby's, but it was mostly light lemonade and fruit punch.) When it stops being so hot I'll start exersizing again. I don't want to be tan, nor do I like sweating or dehydrating. I know I feel 100X's more confident about myself when I'm healthy, and it improves my mood. And I get less migraines. Much less.
I was thinking... I want to start a club at school. Or use people at school to start SOMETHING. Do more with my costume parties. I LOVE planning parties. I don't have money. I get a group of people who love dressing up as much as me, and we pool money together, have a big party somewhere and invite EVERYONE, and charge like $3 at the door. Make money, use it for more parties and for charities and stuff like that. Maybe do actual volunteer work. It could be fun. I'll need to make a bunch of weirdo friends then. :P
XoXo
S
August 09, 2010
:)
I'm rarely proud of the things I do anymore. Mostly I just feel uncreative and lack inspiration. All my efforts feel lost and lay unfinished, rubbing in the shame of my lack of accomplishment.
I dyed my hair this morning. Partially out of boredom. Partially because my hair was looking dirty with the faded copper and with how the hard water stained the blonde. I had the choice between the brown I had, and the burgundy red color. I picked the burgundy. Dye, rinse, and bam, I look amazing. It looks SO GOOD on me. I'm really happy with it. It matched my green sunglasses and looks nifty with my purple eyeliner (both the eyeliner and my hair color make my eyes look so green.)
I went shopping. Got the Gaga issue of Vanity Fair (looooooove it) got some hair things, nail polish remover and rainbow lollipop from dollar tree. Went to see my family. My cousin Nick was there. He's a flight attendant, and even when he's in layover in Indy he doesn't have time to stop by. But he was here. He's so damn funny. A smart ass, really. He had Scarlet Johansen (spelling? I don't care enough to check) one of his flights. I guess she's diiirty. Used the bathroom on the plane barefooted. And he was next to Snoop on a train while he ate fried chicken. yeah. NIFTY. I love that guy.
Then my uncle invited me to go with him when he goes to Las Vegas the week after I turn 21. WOOT. I'll have to pay for it, but he said after the flight and the room it'd only be like $500. We'll see.
THEN I dyed Brittany's hair. I was nervous. I was just winging it. I had very little idea of what I was doing, but I had a bit of an image in my head. But holy shit, I turned out AMAZING. I'm JEALOUS of her hair. SO JEALOUS. My hair looks good on me, sure, but I want awesomesauce fun colors too! (I'll have an entry for it up on my dye blog as soon as I have pics of it.) It's my first creation in a LONG time that I've been proud of.
Then I get onto my IPFW page and see the damage to my wallet. About $1800. Plus two books, $90 each new, $67 used. So less than $2000 for my first semester. And mom is getting FAFSA done for me tomorrow. So in about 4 days I'll know if I'm getting any money (hopefully I will be. ANYTHING will help. I have like $900 in the bank, but I don't want to have NOTHING left.
So yeah. For the first time in a LONG time, I'm fully and totally content. I'm HAPPY. I even went out of my boundries and worked at my brother's Wendy's with a bunch of people I didn't know. Made light conversation. It was good. And got me some $$ to make up for missing Thursday. YEEES.
XoXo,
S
I dyed my hair this morning. Partially out of boredom. Partially because my hair was looking dirty with the faded copper and with how the hard water stained the blonde. I had the choice between the brown I had, and the burgundy red color. I picked the burgundy. Dye, rinse, and bam, I look amazing. It looks SO GOOD on me. I'm really happy with it. It matched my green sunglasses and looks nifty with my purple eyeliner (both the eyeliner and my hair color make my eyes look so green.)
I went shopping. Got the Gaga issue of Vanity Fair (looooooove it) got some hair things, nail polish remover and rainbow lollipop from dollar tree. Went to see my family. My cousin Nick was there. He's a flight attendant, and even when he's in layover in Indy he doesn't have time to stop by. But he was here. He's so damn funny. A smart ass, really. He had Scarlet Johansen (spelling? I don't care enough to check) one of his flights. I guess she's diiirty. Used the bathroom on the plane barefooted. And he was next to Snoop on a train while he ate fried chicken. yeah. NIFTY. I love that guy.
Then my uncle invited me to go with him when he goes to Las Vegas the week after I turn 21. WOOT. I'll have to pay for it, but he said after the flight and the room it'd only be like $500. We'll see.
THEN I dyed Brittany's hair. I was nervous. I was just winging it. I had very little idea of what I was doing, but I had a bit of an image in my head. But holy shit, I turned out AMAZING. I'm JEALOUS of her hair. SO JEALOUS. My hair looks good on me, sure, but I want awesomesauce fun colors too! (I'll have an entry for it up on my dye blog as soon as I have pics of it.) It's my first creation in a LONG time that I've been proud of.
Then I get onto my IPFW page and see the damage to my wallet. About $1800. Plus two books, $90 each new, $67 used. So less than $2000 for my first semester. And mom is getting FAFSA done for me tomorrow. So in about 4 days I'll know if I'm getting any money (hopefully I will be. ANYTHING will help. I have like $900 in the bank, but I don't want to have NOTHING left.
So yeah. For the first time in a LONG time, I'm fully and totally content. I'm HAPPY. I even went out of my boundries and worked at my brother's Wendy's with a bunch of people I didn't know. Made light conversation. It was good. And got me some $$ to make up for missing Thursday. YEEES.
XoXo,
S
August 01, 2010
Kindle
My favorite free app as of now is easily my Kindle App. I can buy digital books on Amazon (which are usually cheaper than the actual books) and load them to my phone to read as I please. I know I'd much rather have the physical book, but the ability to have cheap short stories at my fingertips is unexplainable. I spent my whole day reading a 79 cent story off of my phone. I can even download trials of books and read the beginning to see whether or not I want to buy it. It's like going to the bookstore without leaving the couch.
There are a lot of cool apps, and a lot of useful ones and fun ones, but this is easily my favorite. If only I could buy physical books AND digital books for my Kindle App at the same time :( that would be amazing. At least now I won't feel as guilty about buying cheap used books, because I've already read them and I only want the physical copy to take up shelf space.
School starts soon. I'm nervous and excited.
XoXo
S
There are a lot of cool apps, and a lot of useful ones and fun ones, but this is easily my favorite. If only I could buy physical books AND digital books for my Kindle App at the same time :( that would be amazing. At least now I won't feel as guilty about buying cheap used books, because I've already read them and I only want the physical copy to take up shelf space.
School starts soon. I'm nervous and excited.
XoXo
S
July 31, 2010
fuuuuuck
For once, it'd be nice for someone to make an attempt to care or see things from my point of view, or BELIEVE me when I'm in a bad situation.
It's so much easier for someone to lie about a situation when they were being unreasonable, because everyone would want to believe the logical story they make up.
I don't believe in MAKING drama, but I also don't believe in ignoring it. Every time someone tells a lie about ME or about a situation I'm involved in, I want to punch someone. Especially when people are dumb enough to take their word for it over mine..
Thanks brother, I thought you'd be more level headed and caring. Or, I don't know, just take my word for something like you always have up until now? I'm not asking for anyone to get involved in drama, just to be a little more considerate instead of telling me that I clearly must be remembering things wrong. If I'm being treated like shit I don't expect you to jump in and make it all better, but it'd be nice if you didn't brush it off as if I'm making it all up. You haven't been here the last 9 weeks. I have. I think I know Anthony better than you do. If 4 of us who were here for all of this say he's being a douche, and only HIM and one other person (who is in no way involved in this, and only knows any ongoings based on what ANT TELLS HIM) say that he hasn't been doing anything wrong... maybe you should believe the 4 of us. JUST MAYBE.
Whatever. All the possession are nice and everything, but if I had to choose between having the brother that was there for me or having the brother that helped me buy things, I'd pick the one that was there for me any day.
Also, fuck straight talk and the fucking piece of shit service and worthless website. Canceling the auto refill should be something I can do ON THE WEBSITE considering customer service is worthless. If I fucking lose $45 because I can't cancel this I'm going to be PISSED. I can't even sell this phone to someone without feeling guilt, because this is the worst fucking phone company I've ever had to deal with.
XoXo
S
It's so much easier for someone to lie about a situation when they were being unreasonable, because everyone would want to believe the logical story they make up.
I don't believe in MAKING drama, but I also don't believe in ignoring it. Every time someone tells a lie about ME or about a situation I'm involved in, I want to punch someone. Especially when people are dumb enough to take their word for it over mine..
Thanks brother, I thought you'd be more level headed and caring. Or, I don't know, just take my word for something like you always have up until now? I'm not asking for anyone to get involved in drama, just to be a little more considerate instead of telling me that I clearly must be remembering things wrong. If I'm being treated like shit I don't expect you to jump in and make it all better, but it'd be nice if you didn't brush it off as if I'm making it all up. You haven't been here the last 9 weeks. I have. I think I know Anthony better than you do. If 4 of us who were here for all of this say he's being a douche, and only HIM and one other person (who is in no way involved in this, and only knows any ongoings based on what ANT TELLS HIM) say that he hasn't been doing anything wrong... maybe you should believe the 4 of us. JUST MAYBE.
Whatever. All the possession are nice and everything, but if I had to choose between having the brother that was there for me or having the brother that helped me buy things, I'd pick the one that was there for me any day.
Also, fuck straight talk and the fucking piece of shit service and worthless website. Canceling the auto refill should be something I can do ON THE WEBSITE considering customer service is worthless. If I fucking lose $45 because I can't cancel this I'm going to be PISSED. I can't even sell this phone to someone without feeling guilt, because this is the worst fucking phone company I've ever had to deal with.
XoXo
S
July 28, 2010
come together
I sometimes wonder if some people are delusional or just plain liars. Drama drama drama.
I woke up at 4 this morning. Went out to my Aunty's house and we went up to Shipshewana to go spend our money. I was tiiiiired, but I love spending time with her. We always have the best talks about life and about everything that happens in my messed up little family. Makes me feel a lot better about some things.
I got myself a new purse :D and 3 pairs of giant sunglasses (for $10!? OH YEAH) 2 Buffy comics, and some triangular tapers for my ears. Twas awesome. Got a lot of walking done. And got dehydrated and sunburnt, and felt nauseated the whole way back... But the talking was worth it, and I felt much better after I got some caffeine, fluids and a nice shower.
Anyway. I'm not looking forward to working tomorrow. Or Friday. totally looking forward to college, as long as everything comes together in time.
XoXo
S
I woke up at 4 this morning. Went out to my Aunty's house and we went up to Shipshewana to go spend our money. I was tiiiiired, but I love spending time with her. We always have the best talks about life and about everything that happens in my messed up little family. Makes me feel a lot better about some things.
I got myself a new purse :D and 3 pairs of giant sunglasses (for $10!? OH YEAH) 2 Buffy comics, and some triangular tapers for my ears. Twas awesome. Got a lot of walking done. And got dehydrated and sunburnt, and felt nauseated the whole way back... But the talking was worth it, and I felt much better after I got some caffeine, fluids and a nice shower.
Anyway. I'm not looking forward to working tomorrow. Or Friday. totally looking forward to college, as long as everything comes together in time.
XoXo
S
July 27, 2010
:D :D :D :D :O :D
So.... I may not have an iPhone, but I DO in fact, have the Droid Eris. Yeah, I love the iPhone, but I LOVE THIS PHONE. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE.
The only thing it doesn't have is the (free) glowstick app that the iPhone had :( I'll live, I think :)
but yeah. IPFW found my blog and fixed my locked account and I'm signed up for SOAR now. Besides feeling slightly like big brother is watching (>.>) I'm really happy for the wonders of the internet.
Actually... I had two people from Fort Wayne recognize me from my photo that I took at Pride Fest. Crazy, isn't it? Maybe that somehow ties into this... idk. But I'm glad it did. Saved me a trip to fort wayne that I really don't have time to take.
I'm really really excited now. IDK, I think I was just really stressed about my brother coming back yesterday... so EVERYTHING just seemed SO DRAMATIC. Now that I have my new phone (that... I really can't afford but it have it and the plan is started and I has my phone.) And I got college worked out. Yeah. If my keyboards keys would stop sticking I'd feel 100% amazing right now :O
WoW time methinks.
XoXo
S
The only thing it doesn't have is the (free) glowstick app that the iPhone had :( I'll live, I think :)
but yeah. IPFW found my blog and fixed my locked account and I'm signed up for SOAR now. Besides feeling slightly like big brother is watching (>.>) I'm really happy for the wonders of the internet.
Actually... I had two people from Fort Wayne recognize me from my photo that I took at Pride Fest. Crazy, isn't it? Maybe that somehow ties into this... idk. But I'm glad it did. Saved me a trip to fort wayne that I really don't have time to take.
I'm really really excited now. IDK, I think I was just really stressed about my brother coming back yesterday... so EVERYTHING just seemed SO DRAMATIC. Now that I have my new phone (that... I really can't afford but it have it and the plan is started and I has my phone.) And I got college worked out. Yeah. If my keyboards keys would stop sticking I'd feel 100% amazing right now :O
WoW time methinks.
XoXo
S
July 26, 2010
-_-
I really don't know why college has to be such a ridiculous stress before you even get there. My account is locked. Why? Who the fuck knows. Is there a number to call or something I can do online to fix it? Of fucking course not. I have to drive up to IPFW, get my account fixed, come home and hope it works so I can schedule my SOAR date (which, the last two available ones are next week) which, btw, I can't schedule WHILE I'M THERE FOR SOME FUCKING REASON. No, I have to do it on their janky ass piece of shit website.
But it doesn't matter. Dad did NOTHING to the house while Jacob was gone. NOTHING. Jacob doesn't want to move into apartments in Fort Wayne for whatever damn reason... My car can't make that drive, and I can't work here and go to school there, nor can I make extra trips to Fort Wayne for a job up there just because I go to school there 2-3 days a week. So, if I'm still in this apartment in a month when school starts, I don't get to go and all this effort was wasted. Best part, I'll be signed up for classes by then, and have my loans taken out... so I'm getting fucked and will be out over $1000 just because I couldn't go.
I'm seriously near tears because nothing wants to work out, and no one wants to help me make it happen. All we have to do if find a cheap little apartment in the Fort. That's it. Fixing my car won't help, because I can't afford the gas for the drive in the first place. We'd have to be there a year tops, and THEN dad will have had MORE THAN ENOUGH time to fix up the house in Waynedale and all would be good. Of course, why would we bother doing that, right? I've been out of school for two years, not like I'm not disheartened enough by how difficult getting my stuff around is. No, me not being able to go this year will definitely not effect my desire to go at all
Fuck this. I don't even get an iPhone, because we have to go Verizon. I get a fucking Droid. (Yeah, with all this bullshit that's been going down, the bright side has always been "at least I can get an iPhone when Jacob gets back." and no, I don't get one. Everything is just a letdown lately.)
XoXo
S
But it doesn't matter. Dad did NOTHING to the house while Jacob was gone. NOTHING. Jacob doesn't want to move into apartments in Fort Wayne for whatever damn reason... My car can't make that drive, and I can't work here and go to school there, nor can I make extra trips to Fort Wayne for a job up there just because I go to school there 2-3 days a week. So, if I'm still in this apartment in a month when school starts, I don't get to go and all this effort was wasted. Best part, I'll be signed up for classes by then, and have my loans taken out... so I'm getting fucked and will be out over $1000 just because I couldn't go.
I'm seriously near tears because nothing wants to work out, and no one wants to help me make it happen. All we have to do if find a cheap little apartment in the Fort. That's it. Fixing my car won't help, because I can't afford the gas for the drive in the first place. We'd have to be there a year tops, and THEN dad will have had MORE THAN ENOUGH time to fix up the house in Waynedale and all would be good. Of course, why would we bother doing that, right? I've been out of school for two years, not like I'm not disheartened enough by how difficult getting my stuff around is. No, me not being able to go this year will definitely not effect my desire to go at all
Fuck this. I don't even get an iPhone, because we have to go Verizon. I get a fucking Droid. (Yeah, with all this bullshit that's been going down, the bright side has always been "at least I can get an iPhone when Jacob gets back." and no, I don't get one. Everything is just a letdown lately.)
XoXo
S
July 25, 2010
Brothers gonna be back tomorrow and...
I'm really excited about this. But, because I'm not bouncing around and pissing myself with joy people think I don't care.
Fact: I have a LOT to worry about right now. Placement tests are tomorrow. Bills are due tomorrow. I don't have money to make rent. I've VERY happy to have my brother back, and he's going to make a lot of my stress go away, because he'll be able to help me financially, and I'll have someone to vent to, and we'll be making lots of living changes that I'm in dire need of... But right now, I'm really focused on the things that need to get done. And, there's a lot of them.
My brother is my damn corner stone, I couldn't make it without him, but fuck, I do have a bit of a life outside of him (recently, at least.)
I almost feel bad because I'm clearly supposed to be a LOT more ecstatic about this whole thing, but I just don't. I'll probably cry from happiness tomorrow when I DO see him for the first time in like, 3 months... But right now, no.
XoXo
S
Fact: I have a LOT to worry about right now. Placement tests are tomorrow. Bills are due tomorrow. I don't have money to make rent. I've VERY happy to have my brother back, and he's going to make a lot of my stress go away, because he'll be able to help me financially, and I'll have someone to vent to, and we'll be making lots of living changes that I'm in dire need of... But right now, I'm really focused on the things that need to get done. And, there's a lot of them.
My brother is my damn corner stone, I couldn't make it without him, but fuck, I do have a bit of a life outside of him (recently, at least.)
I almost feel bad because I'm clearly supposed to be a LOT more ecstatic about this whole thing, but I just don't. I'll probably cry from happiness tomorrow when I DO see him for the first time in like, 3 months... But right now, no.
XoXo
S
July 24, 2010
things I love, and fandom.
I've been on a slight WoW bing these last few days. Not that I mind. It keeps me happy. So does coloring. And multi-colored pens, and huge boxes filled with sharpies, and boxes of crayons and colored pencils. And rhinestones. And duct tape. Yes.
Lest not forget glitter.
Yeah, I don't want to talk about my problems, because they aren't nagging at me, even though they really upset me. So I'll keep thinking about the awesome things.
Gotta get the apartment cleaned up for my brother. And gotta get ready for my placement tests. I'm so nervous. I've done nothing mathematic for a while.
It think I'll write some Toad/OC x-men fanfics (oneshots) before bed. There aren't NEARLY enough good fanfictions for the Toad lovers out there :( And the good stories never good finished or end too soon.
yeah. I think I'll do that. And I'll write it in purple pen, and post it to fanfiction.net and deviantart.
XoXo,
S
Lest not forget glitter.
Yeah, I don't want to talk about my problems, because they aren't nagging at me, even though they really upset me. So I'll keep thinking about the awesome things.
Gotta get the apartment cleaned up for my brother. And gotta get ready for my placement tests. I'm so nervous. I've done nothing mathematic for a while.
It think I'll write some Toad/OC x-men fanfics (oneshots) before bed. There aren't NEARLY enough good fanfictions for the Toad lovers out there :( And the good stories never good finished or end too soon.
yeah. I think I'll do that. And I'll write it in purple pen, and post it to fanfiction.net and deviantart.
XoXo,
S
July 23, 2010
Excited For...
I'm so excited about starting school in the fall, turning in job apps at the mall, my BROTHER BEING BACK FROM BASIC, having a party monster-ific party with my friends, having an INSANE 21st birthday party... and excited about not being in a bad mood.
OH, and really excited about Pride Fest Saturday. :D
I can't wait to have homework. and LEARN and be forced to be around a shit load of people I don't know. Having a reason to put on regular clothes every day because I'm doing more than working. And the (not so high) hopes of getting a job that I can wear said clothes to. Having TWO JOBS and GOING TO SCHOOL (part time) and, possibly going to beauty college along with all of this if the money is there. Maybe getting an iPhone with my brother. Getting my car fixed and the oil changed.
I'm feeling good. Really good.
XoXo,
S
(tomorrow is the 7th day working in a row, and marks 12 days that only contained one day off. I'm holding in there because Pride Fest this weekend will make it all worth while.)
OH, and really excited about Pride Fest Saturday. :D
I can't wait to have homework. and LEARN and be forced to be around a shit load of people I don't know. Having a reason to put on regular clothes every day because I'm doing more than working. And the (not so high) hopes of getting a job that I can wear said clothes to. Having TWO JOBS and GOING TO SCHOOL (part time) and, possibly going to beauty college along with all of this if the money is there. Maybe getting an iPhone with my brother. Getting my car fixed and the oil changed.
I'm feeling good. Really good.
XoXo,
S
(tomorrow is the 7th day working in a row, and marks 12 days that only contained one day off. I'm holding in there because Pride Fest this weekend will make it all worth while.)
July 20, 2010
good day
Today after work...
I got myself gas in my car, cashed my check and finally scheduled my placement tests, went up to the Fort with Cody, Carrie and Corine... We went and got me some rhinestones from JoAnn's for the Glitter Party. Then chilled at the Mall and got some Auntie Anne's and I got some stuff from hot topic (I feel so laaaame.) We went and saw Despicable Me (cute movie, it really was, but it was also a wee bit lacking. I still liked it though.) and then got some IHOP.
I made beautifully gruesome pancake and french toast art. I tried to take a picture of it, with it's bleeding hearts and spattered blood... but my phone was almost dead so it wouldn't let me :'( I feel empty.
No, not really, I feel really good. Shit is piecing together. I hate how I only go from lows to highs to lows and so on. Middle ground every now and then is always good. Except, I suppose this could be considered middle ground. Hm.
Pride fest is this weekend and I think I've convinced two people to go with me (a group of 3 straight people at Pride fest, lovely) and I have rainbow rhinestones to put on my face. woot.
Much love,
XoXo
S
I got myself gas in my car, cashed my check and finally scheduled my placement tests, went up to the Fort with Cody, Carrie and Corine... We went and got me some rhinestones from JoAnn's for the Glitter Party. Then chilled at the Mall and got some Auntie Anne's and I got some stuff from hot topic (I feel so laaaame.) We went and saw Despicable Me (cute movie, it really was, but it was also a wee bit lacking. I still liked it though.) and then got some IHOP.
I made beautifully gruesome pancake and french toast art. I tried to take a picture of it, with it's bleeding hearts and spattered blood... but my phone was almost dead so it wouldn't let me :'( I feel empty.
No, not really, I feel really good. Shit is piecing together. I hate how I only go from lows to highs to lows and so on. Middle ground every now and then is always good. Except, I suppose this could be considered middle ground. Hm.
Pride fest is this weekend and I think I've convinced two people to go with me (a group of 3 straight people at Pride fest, lovely) and I have rainbow rhinestones to put on my face. woot.
Much love,
XoXo
S
July 19, 2010
Anxiety Problems?
Crazy as it sounds, I'm just recently realizing that I have pretty bad anxiety problems. I mean, I couldn't log into my ipfw account, and my stomach has been in knots, I'm having trouble breathing, I feel jittery an panicy and have been near tears EVEN NOW, all this time afterwards that I've had to cool down from being angry, I could still burst into tears over it, I'm still kinda freaking out about it.
I don't have anxiety attacks or anything, but fuck, now that I think about it, this has been going on for YEARS. I don't think I've ever done anything irrational in my life except when I was freaking out from anxiety. They make drugs for this shit. Why am I suffering through it when I could fix it? I'd love to not have random freak outs over little things (or, better yet, NOTHING AT ALL.)
Deep breaths... Caaaalm thoughts. I can't get rid of the knots in my stomach, but I can calm down. I really need to mellow this problem out.
XoXo
S
I don't have anxiety attacks or anything, but fuck, now that I think about it, this has been going on for YEARS. I don't think I've ever done anything irrational in my life except when I was freaking out from anxiety. They make drugs for this shit. Why am I suffering through it when I could fix it? I'd love to not have random freak outs over little things (or, better yet, NOTHING AT ALL.)
Deep breaths... Caaaalm thoughts. I can't get rid of the knots in my stomach, but I can calm down. I really need to mellow this problem out.
XoXo
S
Difficulties.
I've been trying to log into my IPFW account for a good 20 minutes now. No matter how many times I change my password it never fucking works and I'm getting so frustrated I could cry. I just wanted to schedule my damn placement tests. It's REALLY not that much to ask for a college to make getting started EASY. I already get to face HARD classes, a HARD schedule, work full time to pay bills and having a HARD TIME trying to pay for classes, they can at least make GETTING STARTED EASY. Why the fuck does it NEVER work for me when I want to log in? I fucking almost want to not go just because EVERY LITTLE THING with them has to be so fucking difficult. FAFSA is impossible, too. Why does the government make it so fucking hard for students to get money for college? Do they WANT us to be a bunch of uneducated dumb asses?
And, WoW won't work on my laptop anymore. Also pissing me off. I can log in, I wasn't hacked, it just refuses to connect to the new servers, and every time I try to re-install the game it says the same fucking thing. I don't even want to play, I just wanted to fucking log in, maybe chat with some of my guild friends. but no.
I have so much shit I have to get done it's not even funny, and I just want to punch someone or cry because NOTHING is going smoothly. Why the FUCK does everything need to be so difficult all the fucking time?
I'm just pissed, I'll cool down (hopefully before I try to go to bed, idk.)
XoXo
S
And, WoW won't work on my laptop anymore. Also pissing me off. I can log in, I wasn't hacked, it just refuses to connect to the new servers, and every time I try to re-install the game it says the same fucking thing. I don't even want to play, I just wanted to fucking log in, maybe chat with some of my guild friends. but no.
I have so much shit I have to get done it's not even funny, and I just want to punch someone or cry because NOTHING is going smoothly. Why the FUCK does everything need to be so difficult all the fucking time?
I'm just pissed, I'll cool down (hopefully before I try to go to bed, idk.)
XoXo
S
July 18, 2010
stuck
My brother comes back in about 9 days.
I'm trying to find a new job in Fort Wayne.
I'm getting tired of Decatur, and tired of everything around me, but I don't know how to change it all, or even where to start.
I feel kinda stuck. I hate it.
XoXo
S
I'm trying to find a new job in Fort Wayne.
I'm getting tired of Decatur, and tired of everything around me, but I don't know how to change it all, or even where to start.
I feel kinda stuck. I hate it.
XoXo
S
July 16, 2010
Lady Gaga Monster Ball 2010
This is one happy little monster <3
Pictures are backwards order, because that's how uploading works...
July 07, 2010
NYC
New York City.
I want it so badly. SO BADLY.
I could have it, for a few months. Share a 6 bedroom apartment with about 10 people (5 guys, 5 girls) only $350 a month (I could do that without getting a job, and move back.)
Why do I torment myself with this stuff? I mean, I WANT New York so badly. I can't have it (not yet at least) but I'd do anything to be there. I need someone who wants to move up there with me. ANYONE. I'd even be willing to live in the living room of a 1 bedroom.
It kills me to keep looking at the pictures >_<
XoXo
S
I want it so badly. SO BADLY.
I could have it, for a few months. Share a 6 bedroom apartment with about 10 people (5 guys, 5 girls) only $350 a month (I could do that without getting a job, and move back.)
Why do I torment myself with this stuff? I mean, I WANT New York so badly. I can't have it (not yet at least) but I'd do anything to be there. I need someone who wants to move up there with me. ANYONE. I'd even be willing to live in the living room of a 1 bedroom.
It kills me to keep looking at the pictures >_<
XoXo
S
July 05, 2010
Friends and Futures
I've been listening to the Violent Femmes tonight. I actually really like them. Who'd have thought?
But really. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. About friends, and my future.
The only conclusion I've come to is that if people honestly can't accept me at my worst (ha, as if this is anywhere near my worst) then they don't deserve me at my best... buuut, if I cut out everyone that can't take me at my worst I'm going to be one lonely fucking person. It blows my mind that people can be shitty to their friends and keep them, but I can't be shy without being called a bitch.
As for my future. Fuck this place, and fuck Indianapolis. I WANT to live in New York, and I'm GOING to move to New York. I'm going to start college, but like hell if I'm going to finish. I'll make my own way. Lets face it, no job really interests me, so wouldn't it be more ideal for me to take on lots of little random jobs to make ends meet? Isn't being a starving artist what I've always wanted? Exactly. And where can you possibly go that you could get more acceptance than New York? I'm bound to find at LEAST a small group of friends.
I'm working on a letter to Michael Alig. I don't even know what to say to him, but I want to see if he writes back. Hopefully, if he gets out soon, he'll keep New York as his home and I'll run into him someday. It'd be kinda awesome.
fuck you all,
S
But really. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. About friends, and my future.
The only conclusion I've come to is that if people honestly can't accept me at my worst (ha, as if this is anywhere near my worst) then they don't deserve me at my best... buuut, if I cut out everyone that can't take me at my worst I'm going to be one lonely fucking person. It blows my mind that people can be shitty to their friends and keep them, but I can't be shy without being called a bitch.
As for my future. Fuck this place, and fuck Indianapolis. I WANT to live in New York, and I'm GOING to move to New York. I'm going to start college, but like hell if I'm going to finish. I'll make my own way. Lets face it, no job really interests me, so wouldn't it be more ideal for me to take on lots of little random jobs to make ends meet? Isn't being a starving artist what I've always wanted? Exactly. And where can you possibly go that you could get more acceptance than New York? I'm bound to find at LEAST a small group of friends.
I'm working on a letter to Michael Alig. I don't even know what to say to him, but I want to see if he writes back. Hopefully, if he gets out soon, he'll keep New York as his home and I'll run into him someday. It'd be kinda awesome.
fuck you all,
S
June 27, 2010
June 24, 2010
kinda done
I thought I could deal with all of this... but I can't. I thought I had everything figured out but I really don't. I thought I didn't care anymore but I still do. I wish I could fix it all but I can't.
I just want to be able to pass out and forget everything but it's really not possibly right now. I mean, I could pass out... I knew it'd be a bad idea to drink. But I did anyway. I didn't want to feel so I took away all feeling possibly. But it's still not quite enough. I can't fix this yet. It's not gonna be fixed any time soon, so I guess I just have to either deal with it or detach from the situation. Sounds reasonable. Pull away and get out of all of this.
It's not even midnight and I wish I was asleep.
XoXo,
No more,
S
I just want to be able to pass out and forget everything but it's really not possibly right now. I mean, I could pass out... I knew it'd be a bad idea to drink. But I did anyway. I didn't want to feel so I took away all feeling possibly. But it's still not quite enough. I can't fix this yet. It's not gonna be fixed any time soon, so I guess I just have to either deal with it or detach from the situation. Sounds reasonable. Pull away and get out of all of this.
It's not even midnight and I wish I was asleep.
XoXo,
No more,
S
June 23, 2010
change
Life is... Confusing. Constantly changing.
I'm growing a lot as a person. Facing my personal conflicts and fears. It's crazy.
XoXo
S
I'm growing a lot as a person. Facing my personal conflicts and fears. It's crazy.
XoXo
S
June 17, 2010
So, posts are fewer. I guess I've been busy, but mostly just not feeling like blogging.
Feeling frustrated now though. For the second time in less than a year in this apartment the upstairs plumbing leaked into the utility closet and ruined shit. We have a TV, bass amp and my brothers huge ass box of magic cards (as in, fucking lot of cards, some originals. Lot of money and time put into that) that are all soaked. Probably another clog, since the sink has been draining kinda slow lately. But it's not like the last leak we got, nothing coming up in the other sinks, and water doesn't pour out when the shit upstairs gets used... Just slowly leaking.
Still. Fuck this apartment. The electric box is RIGHT where the water is leaking. Who the fuck designed this and why was this building allowed to be built?
If my apartment insurance doesn't cover all the stuff that just got ruined I'm going to be PISSED. It was all Jacob's belongings. He's not even here to be pissed about it.
Also, I can't use the bathroom until it's fixed. wtf. WTF. I hate this shit hole :\
Feeling frustrated now though. For the second time in less than a year in this apartment the upstairs plumbing leaked into the utility closet and ruined shit. We have a TV, bass amp and my brothers huge ass box of magic cards (as in, fucking lot of cards, some originals. Lot of money and time put into that) that are all soaked. Probably another clog, since the sink has been draining kinda slow lately. But it's not like the last leak we got, nothing coming up in the other sinks, and water doesn't pour out when the shit upstairs gets used... Just slowly leaking.
Still. Fuck this apartment. The electric box is RIGHT where the water is leaking. Who the fuck designed this and why was this building allowed to be built?
If my apartment insurance doesn't cover all the stuff that just got ruined I'm going to be PISSED. It was all Jacob's belongings. He's not even here to be pissed about it.
Also, I can't use the bathroom until it's fixed. wtf. WTF. I hate this shit hole :\
June 03, 2010
Life
My life has been a confusing blur. I haven't even been able to put it into words, but the pieces are all coming back together.
XoXo
S
XoXo
S
May 22, 2010
ugh
I've been tired and stressed and nervous.
Jacob leaves for basic soon. I'm going to John and Kandi's wedding with Anthony (since he's starting to get over everything that happened, I hope) and it makes me nervous like nothing else. I don't wanna fuck up. If I do, I'm going to be spending a LOT of time alone here. I don't want that.
Having a girl's night with Mal and Rhi and Kim (from work) wednesday though. It'll be a nice stress relief. Cuz I'm a fucking stress case right now.
XoXo
S
ps, I have black hair now. <3
Jacob leaves for basic soon. I'm going to John and Kandi's wedding with Anthony (since he's starting to get over everything that happened, I hope) and it makes me nervous like nothing else. I don't wanna fuck up. If I do, I'm going to be spending a LOT of time alone here. I don't want that.
Having a girl's night with Mal and Rhi and Kim (from work) wednesday though. It'll be a nice stress relief. Cuz I'm a fucking stress case right now.
XoXo
S
ps, I have black hair now. <3
May 10, 2010
screw up
Inner turmoil level is now down to approx. 79%
Lets see what tomorrow brings.
Lets see if Anthony will ever forgive me.
Lets see what tomorrow brings.
Lets see if Anthony will ever forgive me.
April 27, 2010
I think, most of all, I'm just frustrated.
Why can't people see when someone is bad for them? Why do people think that making mistakes in the past means that you owe the future the person?
Really... it didn't have to be me. But anyone (ANYONE) that appreciates them is better than someone who plays games with them.
It doesn't matter if she secretly wants to be with him. What matters is whether or not she treats him well. She doesn't. Besides that, why would you want to be with someone who couldn't admit to wanting to be with you? What is ONE good reason to not admit to wanting to be with someone as fucking great as him? I can't think of a single one that doesn't imply that the fucking girl obviously doesn't want him as badly as she thinks.
It tears me up to see people I care about unable to realize how damaging their choices are. Getting over someone you care about THAT MUCH is never (EVER) easy. But it needs to be done. I never wanted to give up Brandon. I always thought that we'd be together, even when we broke up. Even though he treated me badly I still wanted to be with him. Then, one day, I realized how bad that was. I realized I could have so much more, and I WANTED more. Slowly, over months of working, I managed to break the hold he had over me and move on. I no longer have any desire to be with him because I know I can have better.
I just wish I could make him realize this... I want him to be happy, not toyed with.
XoXo
S
Why can't people see when someone is bad for them? Why do people think that making mistakes in the past means that you owe the future the person?
Really... it didn't have to be me. But anyone (ANYONE) that appreciates them is better than someone who plays games with them.
It doesn't matter if she secretly wants to be with him. What matters is whether or not she treats him well. She doesn't. Besides that, why would you want to be with someone who couldn't admit to wanting to be with you? What is ONE good reason to not admit to wanting to be with someone as fucking great as him? I can't think of a single one that doesn't imply that the fucking girl obviously doesn't want him as badly as she thinks.
It tears me up to see people I care about unable to realize how damaging their choices are. Getting over someone you care about THAT MUCH is never (EVER) easy. But it needs to be done. I never wanted to give up Brandon. I always thought that we'd be together, even when we broke up. Even though he treated me badly I still wanted to be with him. Then, one day, I realized how bad that was. I realized I could have so much more, and I WANTED more. Slowly, over months of working, I managed to break the hold he had over me and move on. I no longer have any desire to be with him because I know I can have better.
I just wish I could make him realize this... I want him to be happy, not toyed with.
XoXo
S
April 26, 2010
Glass Slipper by The Dresden Dolls
no one's asking to go dancing its not like that anymore
its romantic if they mean it when they shut your fingers in the door
its a gory sort of story thats been told a hundred times before
it gets tricky dont be picky if the slipper fits you wear it whore
how many tips can i take home tonight without them getting mad
how many stitches do you think it takes to fix a cut that bad
how many minutes until midnight and you get your eyesight back
not to knock it i've been off it never moving very much at once
its been awkward i still offer it when its that time of
other girls shower but i give out flowers
to curious strangers who throw dollars at my feet
how many crimes can i try spotting dry before it leaves a stain
how many times say that i love you til it doesnt mean a thing
how many fittings must i sit through with my big feet blistering
how many strips until it hits me and my big mouth strikes again
i'm not asking to go dancing i'm not that dumb anymore
its exhausting to keep smiling when your toes are bleeding through the floor
its a gory sort of story thats been told a million times before
don't be sorry just ignore me because honestly
i'm too sore from fitting exactly to ride into setting suns aching to
stand on my own two feet
how many wishes do i still have left to fix the way it ends
how many princes will it take to put a girl like this back together again
how many instances can you point out where i was less than kind
how many happy endings do you need to change your fucking mind
and how much time do we have left before it's midnight and
you see that i was never the right size?
April 24, 2010
:]
feeling much more complete again. No low for me.
Robot Chicken is on. They have the carebears. It's awesome.
I'm too damn excited and happy to go to sleep.
XoXo
S
Robot Chicken is on. They have the carebears. It's awesome.
I'm too damn excited and happy to go to sleep.
XoXo
S
April 23, 2010
been gone
Oh blog, my dear. I'm slowing coming down from my high. This means I'm entering a low. Hopefully it's not too bad, considering how good I felt from the high. It usually means a really low low. If things go well with Zach I at least won't have to worry about being alone if it gets too bad. If they don't go well, then it'll probably a little worse.
Oh well, I'll get through it. Always do.
I just really hope it goes well. I really like him.
hopefully, if nothing else, I don't get betrayed like I usually do.
been playing volleyball a lot this last week. Covered in bruises from it. Tired. Saw a Komets Hockey game and it wasn't too bad but the seats were almost the highest in the collesium.
XoXo
S
Oh well, I'll get through it. Always do.
I just really hope it goes well. I really like him.
hopefully, if nothing else, I don't get betrayed like I usually do.
been playing volleyball a lot this last week. Covered in bruises from it. Tired. Saw a Komets Hockey game and it wasn't too bad but the seats were almost the highest in the collesium.
XoXo
S
April 20, 2010
Good Readings
STFU, I love tarot cards.
Tuesday, April 20
Two of Cups
New meanings in relationships. Contracts in the creative arts. Union of hearts and minds. Possibilities to heal old wounds. New energies surging around you. Time to put creative thoughts into action. Good time for dreams and goals that have been put off to begin. Good time to begin work on new plan. All pieces are in place. First step to new future is at hand.
Now, 3 card reading for "Will the date go well?"
RECENT PAST
Seven of Pentacles Reversed
Getting mired down in the details of a projects. Feeling there is room much to do alone, so you stop working altogether. Tired of waiting for rewards to manifest. Working too hard without taking time out to enjoy the benefits you are receiving. Spending too much time going over the details and not enough time enjoying the journey.
CURRENT SITUATION
Ten of Wands
Overburdened. Load too much to bear for one person. Everything now settled and in place. Cycle complete and order can be maintained. A gathering of all pieces and putting them away in completion. No more discussion, it is done and finalized. A monument to hard work materializes and stands testament to perseverance. What was begun is now done.
FUTURE INFLUENCE
The Star
Hope and inspiration. Realization of dreams and goals possible now. Whatever venture you are involved with, your lucky stars are with you. Positive energies flowing freely into your life. Make the most of the now. Heavenly influences surrounding you. Blessings are flowing freely like water. Abundance and spirit present. Bright promises. The presence of the Holy Spirit is with you. A good time to begin a new project or new relationship as it has carries blessing with it.
:) I got me a date sometime soon. I hope it all goes well. I've been playing volleyball like EVERYDAY this week. My arms are swollen pretty badly from it. I'm EXCITED about how much I've been getting out and doing shit. THIS IS A SOCIAL LIFE. And it's not feeling overbearing and suffocating like it usually does. I'm enjoying it all. After I got off of work at 4, I went to the court, and played until we went to subway, and played after. I only even left at 9:30ish because I really needed to get to walgreen's to buy Ace bandages for my arms. They're fucking swollen. I can't wait to go on a walk with Zach tomorrow, and then get my ass to the court to play some more. I love this. FUCKING LOVE IT. It won't last forever, but I'll love it all while I got it.
XoXo
S
Tuesday, April 20Two of Cups
New meanings in relationships. Contracts in the creative arts. Union of hearts and minds. Possibilities to heal old wounds. New energies surging around you. Time to put creative thoughts into action. Good time for dreams and goals that have been put off to begin. Good time to begin work on new plan. All pieces are in place. First step to new future is at hand.
Now, 3 card reading for "Will the date go well?"
RECENT PAST
Seven of Pentacles Reversed
Getting mired down in the details of a projects. Feeling there is room much to do alone, so you stop working altogether. Tired of waiting for rewards to manifest. Working too hard without taking time out to enjoy the benefits you are receiving. Spending too much time going over the details and not enough time enjoying the journey.
CURRENT SITUATION
Ten of Wands
Overburdened. Load too much to bear for one person. Everything now settled and in place. Cycle complete and order can be maintained. A gathering of all pieces and putting them away in completion. No more discussion, it is done and finalized. A monument to hard work materializes and stands testament to perseverance. What was begun is now done.
FUTURE INFLUENCE
The Star
Hope and inspiration. Realization of dreams and goals possible now. Whatever venture you are involved with, your lucky stars are with you. Positive energies flowing freely into your life. Make the most of the now. Heavenly influences surrounding you. Blessings are flowing freely like water. Abundance and spirit present. Bright promises. The presence of the Holy Spirit is with you. A good time to begin a new project or new relationship as it has carries blessing with it.
:) I got me a date sometime soon. I hope it all goes well. I've been playing volleyball like EVERYDAY this week. My arms are swollen pretty badly from it. I'm EXCITED about how much I've been getting out and doing shit. THIS IS A SOCIAL LIFE. And it's not feeling overbearing and suffocating like it usually does. I'm enjoying it all. After I got off of work at 4, I went to the court, and played until we went to subway, and played after. I only even left at 9:30ish because I really needed to get to walgreen's to buy Ace bandages for my arms. They're fucking swollen. I can't wait to go on a walk with Zach tomorrow, and then get my ass to the court to play some more. I love this. FUCKING LOVE IT. It won't last forever, but I'll love it all while I got it.
XoXo
S
April 14, 2010
Betraying Bitch
That is, my heart. :\ I dislike it quite a bit. But at least I'm not feeling constrained or upset. just a little confused.
new hair. New Color Me Stunned entry.
I never thought I'd pull off short hair (and I may not be, but I'm still enjoying it being almost boy short.
X0X0
S
new hair. New Color Me Stunned entry.
I never thought I'd pull off short hair (and I may not be, but I'm still enjoying it being almost boy short.
X0X0
S
April 12, 2010
COLLEGE
Turning in my App for IPFW tomorrow. A little late, but not TOO late to send it.
I'm probably gonna start with only 3 classes a semester and maybe do a summer course every year.
Starting off with French, Intro to Women's Studies and maybe a math or english class to get them over with. I'm going to try to take a new french class ever semester until I run out. :) Hell, that would qualify me for a minor in french. (I'm planning on religious studies atm, but that may change)
I'm so nervous and excited at the same time. Afraid I won't do well, or that I haven't grown out of my inability to do homework... Worried I won't be able to afford it all. Excited cuz I'm going to motherfucking college.
Wish me luck. If IPFW doesn't accept me, I'll just kill myself. :)
XoXo
S
I'm probably gonna start with only 3 classes a semester and maybe do a summer course every year.
Starting off with French, Intro to Women's Studies and maybe a math or english class to get them over with. I'm going to try to take a new french class ever semester until I run out. :) Hell, that would qualify me for a minor in french. (I'm planning on religious studies atm, but that may change)
I'm so nervous and excited at the same time. Afraid I won't do well, or that I haven't grown out of my inability to do homework... Worried I won't be able to afford it all. Excited cuz I'm going to motherfucking college.
Wish me luck. If IPFW doesn't accept me, I'll just kill myself. :)
XoXo
S
April 11, 2010
this is why I don't try
I'm starting to see a trend here.
I start flirting with Brandon, and suddenly becki goes and fucks him. I ended up being the one he chose, but that still fucking hurts.
I start liking a guy, and guess who is right next to him when he shows up at Zestos when me and Jacob invited him? Yeah.
I'm not a second choice. I don't want a guy that goes for someone else JUST because they're more convenient (and not just referring to sex.) I really don't feel comfortable with a guy that is friends with a girl that is notorious for sleeping around with guys friends that are in relationships WHILE IN A RELATIONSHIP. And she's single now, so that doesn't help much.
I really don't like having to give up before I had a chance, but fuck I can't deal with all of this.
XoXo
S
I start flirting with Brandon, and suddenly becki goes and fucks him. I ended up being the one he chose, but that still fucking hurts.
I start liking a guy, and guess who is right next to him when he shows up at Zestos when me and Jacob invited him? Yeah.
I'm not a second choice. I don't want a guy that goes for someone else JUST because they're more convenient (and not just referring to sex.) I really don't feel comfortable with a guy that is friends with a girl that is notorious for sleeping around with guys friends that are in relationships WHILE IN A RELATIONSHIP. And she's single now, so that doesn't help much.
I really don't like having to give up before I had a chance, but fuck I can't deal with all of this.
XoXo
S
April 10, 2010
Day Off
I was planning on spending the whole day away from my computer with my phone shut off. Get some peace from all this "connectivity" that we supposedly have through these things. Do something productive instead of constantly checking if I have new messages or if someone has texted or called me.
Last night me and Brittany made a youtube video and went to bed as it was uploading since it was going to take an hour and a half and I was exhausted from staying up editing it together. But when I woke up and checked it, the movie was too long so I had to go back in and cut it and make it work as two separate videos. After that I had to upload both videos to me AND brittany's youtube which took even longer. But when I finally did I shut everything off.
I didn't know what to do at first, but then I decided I should do the biggest task (that I've been dreading the MOST) and clean my room for the first time since I've moved in. It looks so much better now. and everything is in my closet and ORGANIZED.
Rode my bike to Wendy's to get something to eat, read, took a long walk through the cemetery (instead of a bike ride) and it was AMAZING, then I watched a lot of L.A. Ink and read more. I turned my phone on every 2-3 hours just in case something happened but I didn't generally have any messages and I shut it right off. Only spent 8 hours off of the internet, but it was enough to help me with how restless I've been feeling.
Now if only I felt like doing dishes.
X0X0,
S
Last night me and Brittany made a youtube video and went to bed as it was uploading since it was going to take an hour and a half and I was exhausted from staying up editing it together. But when I woke up and checked it, the movie was too long so I had to go back in and cut it and make it work as two separate videos. After that I had to upload both videos to me AND brittany's youtube which took even longer. But when I finally did I shut everything off.
I didn't know what to do at first, but then I decided I should do the biggest task (that I've been dreading the MOST) and clean my room for the first time since I've moved in. It looks so much better now. and everything is in my closet and ORGANIZED.
Rode my bike to Wendy's to get something to eat, read, took a long walk through the cemetery (instead of a bike ride) and it was AMAZING, then I watched a lot of L.A. Ink and read more. I turned my phone on every 2-3 hours just in case something happened but I didn't generally have any messages and I shut it right off. Only spent 8 hours off of the internet, but it was enough to help me with how restless I've been feeling.
Now if only I felt like doing dishes.
X0X0,
S
April 07, 2010
what this does to me
I hate this.
Confusion. Mixed emotion. Switches. Going from high to low to high to low over and over is enough to make me feel crazy, but throw in a REASON and now the lows feel lower, and the highs feel higher.
I'm clear headed, happy.
I'm crushed, constricted, lonely.
I hate when you're trying to start a relationship. The lack of confidence, the confusion, the constant self doubt. I'm a confident person, usually. I know I'm not outgoing, but I don't doubt myself often. I don't feel the need to second guess how other people feel about me. Until shit like this comes up.
I'm just gonna read and try to forget about it all until tomorrow because I can't exactly do anything right now.
XoXo
S
Confusion. Mixed emotion. Switches. Going from high to low to high to low over and over is enough to make me feel crazy, but throw in a REASON and now the lows feel lower, and the highs feel higher.
I'm clear headed, happy.
I'm crushed, constricted, lonely.
I hate when you're trying to start a relationship. The lack of confidence, the confusion, the constant self doubt. I'm a confident person, usually. I know I'm not outgoing, but I don't doubt myself often. I don't feel the need to second guess how other people feel about me. Until shit like this comes up.
I'm just gonna read and try to forget about it all until tomorrow because I can't exactly do anything right now.
XoXo
S
April 05, 2010
ah
I went non-gaga for the first time on my bike ride and it was okay. Manson is good biking music. So is Amanda, and No Doubt, and pretty much everything I love. Made it an hour today of steady paced biking. Sure, I had a cookie thing, but I also ate an orange, and some fresh veggies. Still on water only :)
Weight lost: NONE
Feelings of being healthy: Up 200%
Body Image: up 50%
I watched Monday Night Raw. I'm reading. I feel GREAT right now.
XoXo
S
Weight lost: NONE
Feelings of being healthy: Up 200%
Body Image: up 50%
I watched Monday Night Raw. I'm reading. I feel GREAT right now.
XoXo
S
April 04, 2010
ups and downs
Lots of up and downs today. Retarded sister. Sweet family. bitchn' tunes (it's the first time I listened to AFP in a while, but it was mostly Gaga) and I got re-interested in the Anita Blake series. It's actually REALLY inspiring (makes me wanna write the vampire romance novel that I've been wanting to write since my freshman year of high school.) And tie in my weretiger story the way the Women of the Otherworld series introduces characters and then give them their own books.
Jacob says my guy friend has a crush on me. I'm not sure, but it cheers me up... but at the same time I'm getting mixed signals so it's not fun at the same time. I'm pretty sure brad is a lost cause, but I'm trying to be okay with that. I hate when people fuck with your head (even if it's not on purpose) and make it harder for you to let go.
But anyway. I've got reading to do.
XoXo
S
Jacob says my guy friend has a crush on me. I'm not sure, but it cheers me up... but at the same time I'm getting mixed signals so it's not fun at the same time. I'm pretty sure brad is a lost cause, but I'm trying to be okay with that. I hate when people fuck with your head (even if it's not on purpose) and make it harder for you to let go.
But anyway. I've got reading to do.
XoXo
S
April 03, 2010
Can I trust him
Recent Past
The Hanged Man
Viewpoint skewed from what is normal or what others see. In limbo. Inability to move forward in life. Stuck. Need to focus on getting out of a rut and think outside of the box. Sacrifice of self. Devotion. Circumspection may be needed but remember to move forward. Indifference to attitudes and beliefs of others. A man unto himself. Ability to remain still in the face of adversity. A person who will not be moved until he is ready.
Current Situation
Judgement
Incredible pressure to tell truth lest you be judged. A court case or other legal proceeding in which an outcome is assigned. Have you done anything for which your judgment or actions would be called into account? Time to examine life, friends, family, career and relationships with a discerning eye. Time to deal with something major in your life. Transformative energies are surrounding you now. A choice is at the ready and must be made now.
Near Future
Queen of Cups
A woman capable of deep romantic love. A passionate woman in the creative arts. A woman who leads first with her heart and then her head. Love for one's mate and children Sense of protectiveness for friends and loved ones. Dedication. A woman in search of a long-term commitment. An attractive woman. Creative arts and alchemy. A loyal woman on your side.
The hanged man is my absolute favorite tarot card.
I hate spamming my tarot readings, but I like to be able to keep track of them for my own future amusement.
XoXo
S
The Hanged Man
Viewpoint skewed from what is normal or what others see. In limbo. Inability to move forward in life. Stuck. Need to focus on getting out of a rut and think outside of the box. Sacrifice of self. Devotion. Circumspection may be needed but remember to move forward. Indifference to attitudes and beliefs of others. A man unto himself. Ability to remain still in the face of adversity. A person who will not be moved until he is ready.
Current Situation
Judgement
Incredible pressure to tell truth lest you be judged. A court case or other legal proceeding in which an outcome is assigned. Have you done anything for which your judgment or actions would be called into account? Time to examine life, friends, family, career and relationships with a discerning eye. Time to deal with something major in your life. Transformative energies are surrounding you now. A choice is at the ready and must be made now.
Near Future
Queen of Cups
A woman capable of deep romantic love. A passionate woman in the creative arts. A woman who leads first with her heart and then her head. Love for one's mate and children Sense of protectiveness for friends and loved ones. Dedication. A woman in search of a long-term commitment. An attractive woman. Creative arts and alchemy. A loyal woman on your side.
The hanged man is my absolute favorite tarot card.
I hate spamming my tarot readings, but I like to be able to keep track of them for my own future amusement.
XoXo
S
April 02, 2010
Is he worth fighting for? Tarot :)
 Click to View |  Click to View |  Click to View |
Two of Pentacles
Trying to maintain a balance. You can keep everything moving smoothly if you go with the flow. Be open to new developments and tools that come your way to assist you in your goals. You are poised to do something you really enjoy. A lightness of spirit in your work. Money is flowing freely toward you. A business partnership.
Knight of Pentacles Reversed
A man of little action although he speaks with bravado. Someone who needs to pick a fight, but won't. Timidity and cowardice. A weak man that has lost respect of his friends and family. Someone who will not champion himself or his loved ones. Perhaps a person beaten down by life who cannot seem to regain their confidence.
King of Pentacles
A man of success and means. He can turn anything into a pot of gold. An entrepreneur. He may seem very methodical in business, but everything he does has a purpose. Not wasteful or expending too much energy to reach your goals; they are occurring naturally. A skilled craftsman whose work is sought after. Capable of philanthropy. Someone who gives generously of his time.
"current situation" is dead on. Past is a little foggy and I'm not sure how to read the future into my situation. Oh, tarot. This is the first time you've not given me a clear answer when I asked it of you. I want my own deck so it's not some random internet choice, even though the cards may be triggered by key words in the questions you ask.
sorry, I love tarot.
XoXo
S
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)