I do the right thing, and it hurts. It fucking hurts and I want to curl up and not leave bed.
So I took a 4 hour long nap because I can literally not think of anything to do with myself that doesn't involve being curled up in the fetal position and trying not to cry.
What the actual fuck.
I don't think I can handle this.
After all the shit you've put me through, and all the growing I've done as a person... I still can't fucking handle this.
I'm trying to crochet and get my order done and think of good stuff... But I'm just fighting the urge to text you. That's literally all I'm doing.
XoXo,
S
March 29, 2013
And here comes the breakdown
I'm so done. Why is it 2 in the fucking morning? I want to blow up at someone. NO FUCKING SERIOUSLY.
It's not going to be me. It's never going to be me. I get it. I keep trying but I get it. So why can't you fucking stop if it's not going to be me? Why can't I just live my happy lonely life and be left alone to do so? Why do you have to keep making me fucking miserable. You make me fucking crazy. I have a hard enough time keeping myself intact without this. Does it make you happy to do this to people? No really, you have to know what the fuck you're doing. Does it make you fucking happy to hurt people like this? Does anything actually fucking matter to you? Does anyone?
I don't act like this with other people. I don't act like this even when I'm jealous. The amount of distrust mixed with how badly I want to trust you just blows my fucking sanity away.
FOR THE LOVE OF ANY DEITY WILL YOU PLEASE JUST NOT BE IN MY LIFE? No amount of happiness you've ever given me makes up for the misery I have when you're here.
XoXo,
S
It's not going to be me. It's never going to be me. I get it. I keep trying but I get it. So why can't you fucking stop if it's not going to be me? Why can't I just live my happy lonely life and be left alone to do so? Why do you have to keep making me fucking miserable. You make me fucking crazy. I have a hard enough time keeping myself intact without this. Does it make you happy to do this to people? No really, you have to know what the fuck you're doing. Does it make you fucking happy to hurt people like this? Does anything actually fucking matter to you? Does anyone?
I don't act like this with other people. I don't act like this even when I'm jealous. The amount of distrust mixed with how badly I want to trust you just blows my fucking sanity away.
FOR THE LOVE OF ANY DEITY WILL YOU PLEASE JUST NOT BE IN MY LIFE? No amount of happiness you've ever given me makes up for the misery I have when you're here.
XoXo,
S
March 27, 2013
I'm fucking crazy, lets just get that one thing straight now.
I want to think I'm scum but I don't.
I want to trust you but I don't.
I don't want to hurt you but I have,
even if you don't know yet.
I can never be happy like this
And it will never work out like this
And you'll still fucking love me despite this,
even if we parted ways.
But I'll never fucking tell you, because I'm a crazy sociopathic bitch and I'm not even overwhelmed with guilt. Honestly, you're kind of boring. I hate admitting it, but I know me denying it has only put a splinter between us. You don't do much besides be sweet to me and play video games. I used to have no ambitions too, and they're all still fuzzy ideas at best, but at least I don't let myself become static. I keep a constant motion of change and learning and experience.
Also, you gave me fucking bed bugs. At least Chlamydia only cost $60 to get rid of, and I get to keep all my furniture and stuffed animals.
You keep saying you want to learn to drive, but you always back out when I offer, or I'll decided it's great weather for you to practice and when I come to pick you up you'll be fucking drunk. Even if you could drive, you couldn't afford a car because you waste all your money on video games and action figures. Even I stopped wasting money on kids toys in the last few months in hopes of saving up for something nicer. I have a fund for tattoos, a fund for vacation, a fund for random fun shit. I've literally stopped blowing my money on any and everything that suits my current obsession. Did I drop $100 on a lolita coord in the last month just because I've been re-obsessing over it? Fuck no.
But I can't really be mad at you for staying the same, it is who you are. But who you are no longer seems to be compatible with me. I used to think you handled my breakdowns well, but really you just shut down and make me feel guilty for having bad anxiety (which makes it worse, by the way) and not handling it well. Like, you think that you loving me should fix all my problems but they're MY problems and you have literally no say or control over my handling of them. I don't mean I want to feel shitty all the time, but whether or not you're nice to me doesn't mean shit. My anxiety isn't going to be like "well, he has really good intentions and cares about me so I shouldn't have an anxiety attack in the driveway because I can literally not get my car out to go to work." It doesn't work like that. I may NEVER get better. I may, but I may not. But one thing I can promise is that whether or not you're trying to fix me will make no difference. No, I take that back, it makes it worse. It legitimately makes my anxiety worse when you pressure me to get better all the time. I've never felt so worthless and inadequate.
You drink too much. I know you keep saying "it's just a few beers," but I keep telling you that that's how it started with my dad. Next thing you know, it's a case every few days. You'll never seem drunk, but you'll always have a beer in your hand. You'll have a stressful night and you'll drink a little too much and even though you love me you'll be pushing me against walls and pulling my hair choking me because I frustrate you. Because that's how it fucking happened with my dad. I ACTUALLY TELL YOU THIS. This is very personal. I feel sick thinking about the stuff I've seen happen between my parents when I was little and every fucking time you have a beer after work just because, I see it in you too. But you keep ignoring what I say. The beer is that much more important.
And please stop bitching about your job and your friends lives. No, seriously. It's the same complaints every day with only the slightest update in information and I don't care. You think I love every second of either of my jobs? because I don't. half of my bosses at the one job are DICKS. My job itself SUCKS. Sometimes they ask the impossible of me and scoff when I fail. My other job? I'm learning a new job every single day (with ANXIETY PROBLEMS. just getting out of bed is hard). The supervisors get to stand back and watch and if I mess up it's actually a really serious deal, because we're making $40,000 trucks. It's a lot of emotional stress and pressure. On top of that it's usually physically taxing. My back hasn't stopped hurting since I started there. Also, most of my friends are shitty. Literally every good friend I have lives so far away that I can't visit them on my days off (because I have to take you to and from work, and the drive is too much. 30 minutes to fort wayne for you, an hour and a half to get to Portland, 2 1/2 for Indy. Spend a few hours there and have to fucking leave to get you. It'd be worth the drive, but it's taxing on my body to have to be alert that much with no break. I need breaks.)
My local friends are all flakes. Oh, you're friend knocked up some crazy girl and he hasn't been fun as often anymore because he's too busy being a father? Boo-fucking-hoo, Every time my friend has a new boyfriend I'll literally be a last priority. Every time I try to make plans with her she WILL bail, or be too broke, or be too busy (doing nothing). Do you remember the year when all of my work friends stopped talking to me? I still do. And it wasn't even them snubbing me because they were mad (besides Carrie, who was mad at me for being upset with her for talking to you and ignoring me. Yeah) it was because I moved 30 minutes away to the city that all of them go to regularly. It was no longer across the street and at their store so they just went off and forgot me. They still don't talk to me. It still hurts.
But you know what? I don't bitch about all of that to you because there's nothing I can do to change other people, and my job won't get any better or any easier, so it's better to just accept my life for what it is because bitching doesn't fix anything. If I can change it, I try. If I can't, I move the hell on. Obsessing over every little thing will only make them seem worse. You know who I miss? My best friend who moved to Indianapolis. My friend who lives all the way out in Portland. My friend who moved to Texas. Literally every reliable person I know is at least an hour away. You're just sad because your friend would rather be a father to his son that be a reckless party-er like he used to be.
People grow up and change, maybe it's time you did too.
XoXo,
S
(don't even get me started on how I feel about the OTHER 'you' because I could fill a fucking novel with it and I'd rather just not think about how I feel, because I have an undying need to be single and have space and I'm getting none of that from my boyfriend :\ but I don't want the space I'm getting from YOU. You mind fuckery douche bag. )
I want to trust you but I don't.
I don't want to hurt you but I have,
even if you don't know yet.
I can never be happy like this
And it will never work out like this
And you'll still fucking love me despite this,
even if we parted ways.
But I'll never fucking tell you, because I'm a crazy sociopathic bitch and I'm not even overwhelmed with guilt. Honestly, you're kind of boring. I hate admitting it, but I know me denying it has only put a splinter between us. You don't do much besides be sweet to me and play video games. I used to have no ambitions too, and they're all still fuzzy ideas at best, but at least I don't let myself become static. I keep a constant motion of change and learning and experience.
Also, you gave me fucking bed bugs. At least Chlamydia only cost $60 to get rid of, and I get to keep all my furniture and stuffed animals.
You keep saying you want to learn to drive, but you always back out when I offer, or I'll decided it's great weather for you to practice and when I come to pick you up you'll be fucking drunk. Even if you could drive, you couldn't afford a car because you waste all your money on video games and action figures. Even I stopped wasting money on kids toys in the last few months in hopes of saving up for something nicer. I have a fund for tattoos, a fund for vacation, a fund for random fun shit. I've literally stopped blowing my money on any and everything that suits my current obsession. Did I drop $100 on a lolita coord in the last month just because I've been re-obsessing over it? Fuck no.
But I can't really be mad at you for staying the same, it is who you are. But who you are no longer seems to be compatible with me. I used to think you handled my breakdowns well, but really you just shut down and make me feel guilty for having bad anxiety (which makes it worse, by the way) and not handling it well. Like, you think that you loving me should fix all my problems but they're MY problems and you have literally no say or control over my handling of them. I don't mean I want to feel shitty all the time, but whether or not you're nice to me doesn't mean shit. My anxiety isn't going to be like "well, he has really good intentions and cares about me so I shouldn't have an anxiety attack in the driveway because I can literally not get my car out to go to work." It doesn't work like that. I may NEVER get better. I may, but I may not. But one thing I can promise is that whether or not you're trying to fix me will make no difference. No, I take that back, it makes it worse. It legitimately makes my anxiety worse when you pressure me to get better all the time. I've never felt so worthless and inadequate.
You drink too much. I know you keep saying "it's just a few beers," but I keep telling you that that's how it started with my dad. Next thing you know, it's a case every few days. You'll never seem drunk, but you'll always have a beer in your hand. You'll have a stressful night and you'll drink a little too much and even though you love me you'll be pushing me against walls and pulling my hair choking me because I frustrate you. Because that's how it fucking happened with my dad. I ACTUALLY TELL YOU THIS. This is very personal. I feel sick thinking about the stuff I've seen happen between my parents when I was little and every fucking time you have a beer after work just because, I see it in you too. But you keep ignoring what I say. The beer is that much more important.
And please stop bitching about your job and your friends lives. No, seriously. It's the same complaints every day with only the slightest update in information and I don't care. You think I love every second of either of my jobs? because I don't. half of my bosses at the one job are DICKS. My job itself SUCKS. Sometimes they ask the impossible of me and scoff when I fail. My other job? I'm learning a new job every single day (with ANXIETY PROBLEMS. just getting out of bed is hard). The supervisors get to stand back and watch and if I mess up it's actually a really serious deal, because we're making $40,000 trucks. It's a lot of emotional stress and pressure. On top of that it's usually physically taxing. My back hasn't stopped hurting since I started there. Also, most of my friends are shitty. Literally every good friend I have lives so far away that I can't visit them on my days off (because I have to take you to and from work, and the drive is too much. 30 minutes to fort wayne for you, an hour and a half to get to Portland, 2 1/2 for Indy. Spend a few hours there and have to fucking leave to get you. It'd be worth the drive, but it's taxing on my body to have to be alert that much with no break. I need breaks.)
My local friends are all flakes. Oh, you're friend knocked up some crazy girl and he hasn't been fun as often anymore because he's too busy being a father? Boo-fucking-hoo, Every time my friend has a new boyfriend I'll literally be a last priority. Every time I try to make plans with her she WILL bail, or be too broke, or be too busy (doing nothing). Do you remember the year when all of my work friends stopped talking to me? I still do. And it wasn't even them snubbing me because they were mad (besides Carrie, who was mad at me for being upset with her for talking to you and ignoring me. Yeah) it was because I moved 30 minutes away to the city that all of them go to regularly. It was no longer across the street and at their store so they just went off and forgot me. They still don't talk to me. It still hurts.
But you know what? I don't bitch about all of that to you because there's nothing I can do to change other people, and my job won't get any better or any easier, so it's better to just accept my life for what it is because bitching doesn't fix anything. If I can change it, I try. If I can't, I move the hell on. Obsessing over every little thing will only make them seem worse. You know who I miss? My best friend who moved to Indianapolis. My friend who lives all the way out in Portland. My friend who moved to Texas. Literally every reliable person I know is at least an hour away. You're just sad because your friend would rather be a father to his son that be a reckless party-er like he used to be.
People grow up and change, maybe it's time you did too.
XoXo,
S
(don't even get me started on how I feel about the OTHER 'you' because I could fill a fucking novel with it and I'd rather just not think about how I feel, because I have an undying need to be single and have space and I'm getting none of that from my boyfriend :\ but I don't want the space I'm getting from YOU. You mind fuckery douche bag. )
March 20, 2013
Reflections
I've chosen the better path. Not out of guilt or shame over what I wanted to do, but the guilt and shame of knowing I didn't feel any.
Like when you get caught doing something and you're forced to apologize. You are sorry, genuinely sorry, but not for what you did. Only for getting caught.
And I legitimately afraid of what I am and what I'm becoming and I want to hold on the the last shreds of whatever it is that allows me to still call myself a "good" person.
XoXo,
S
Like when you get caught doing something and you're forced to apologize. You are sorry, genuinely sorry, but not for what you did. Only for getting caught.
And I legitimately afraid of what I am and what I'm becoming and I want to hold on the the last shreds of whatever it is that allows me to still call myself a "good" person.
XoXo,
S
FUCK
Am I a sociopath?
Because I'm 90% positive I'm doing something I should regret
I'm 100% positive it's wrong...
And I don't feel bad.
I don't even care.
XoXo,
S
Because I'm 90% positive I'm doing something I should regret
I'm 100% positive it's wrong...
And I don't feel bad.
I don't even care.
XoXo,
S
March 19, 2013
the stupid things we do...
I'm stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid.
From the moment I saw Brandon the other day, I've been in one of those moods. The reckless depression. I feel fucking restless. I spent a $100 on fucking books in 20 minutes. I want to spend all my money, and bitch everyone out, and purposefully read end people while I'm driving, and get into a fist fight... and I'm so fucking happy right now that I don't have a razor or the means to self harm like I did in high school. I got rid of all that shit. And I'm glad for that.
But at least I'd have found some resolve to this shit besides what I just did.
I'm a fucking idiot.
Please for the love of god don't reply to that message.
XoXo,
S
but really, the thought of you not replying hurts so fucking much.
From the moment I saw Brandon the other day, I've been in one of those moods. The reckless depression. I feel fucking restless. I spent a $100 on fucking books in 20 minutes. I want to spend all my money, and bitch everyone out, and purposefully read end people while I'm driving, and get into a fist fight... and I'm so fucking happy right now that I don't have a razor or the means to self harm like I did in high school. I got rid of all that shit. And I'm glad for that.
But at least I'd have found some resolve to this shit besides what I just did.
I'm a fucking idiot.
Please for the love of god don't reply to that message.
XoXo,
S
but really, the thought of you not replying hurts so fucking much.
March 16, 2013
Today I ran into my ex
So after a successful trip to a way too busy mall (got The 2nd Law on vinyl, a new David Bowie shirt since I've finally accepted that my old one will never come back, and some strappy pants because they're sexy)... And I BAM. Brandon. I was caught so off guard that it felt like my heart stopped for a second. I was told that he moved out of state. Not just to Ohio or something, like a few states away.
And I've been a little cynical to other people lately about "oh, you'll always love the person you lost your virginity to!" because I've had a lot of bitter feelings towards Brandon over the last few years especially recently now that he's just gotten out of prison.
And here I am. And I've been thinking about this since it happened. I fucking miss him. And I remember when I broke up with him but I couldn't erase him from my life because I didn't want to have a life that was completely void of him, and he'd make moves on me and tell me that the girl he was with wasn't as important as.
And then it hit me that at some point in the past when we were still together and he was out with another girl she probably asked the same question and he probably told her the same thing.
It was easy to tell myself he was just making mistakes, but the hardest part was when I finally realized that I was never actually important to him even though he was my entire existence. Even after I had accepted that he'd never change all I wanted was for us to be together so I could lay in bed with him and I dreamed of the future when we'd be able to go to concerts together and go out to the bar. And I still have an overwhelming feeling to just fucking grab him and kiss him and fuck him. I don't even know why, because he's never given me a single reason to care besides the fact that he flirted with me and I guess I fall for that shit every god damn time.
Brandon, Zach, he whom I refuse to name, and Michael. Shed the smallest amount of attention on me, show the smallest amount of interest, and BAM, I'm lost in a world of dangerous infatuation. Dangerous for me at least.
Brandon is the reason that I don't fight my asexuality. By "fight" mean I don't try to help out my boyfriend with his sexual desires. Pretty much ever. I think the last time I had sex was mid December. That's perfectly fine with me personally (seeing how I haven't really wanted to, you know? because I'm asexual) but a lot of asexual people still sleep with their significant others occasionally if they aren't. He made me feel horrible about myself, because I literally went out of my way to do nice things for him. I made him lunch every day while he was in jail on work release. EVERY DAY for 4 months.
He cheated on me with nasty people. I don't just mean physically. I mean these girls were bitches. These girls had poor personal hygiene. At least 2 of these girls were underage. He was the first person who made me feel special and then I finally realized that I never actually was. And to this day, I STILL want him to find me special.
I thought for a while (I trick myself like this sometimes) that I avoided him because I hated him. No, I avoid him because he still has the power to make me do anything with a fragile bit of hope that he'll finally think I'm special, and when someone so heartless has that power over you it's kind of scary.
XoXo,
S
And I've been a little cynical to other people lately about "oh, you'll always love the person you lost your virginity to!" because I've had a lot of bitter feelings towards Brandon over the last few years especially recently now that he's just gotten out of prison.
And here I am. And I've been thinking about this since it happened. I fucking miss him. And I remember when I broke up with him but I couldn't erase him from my life because I didn't want to have a life that was completely void of him, and he'd make moves on me and tell me that the girl he was with wasn't as important as.
And then it hit me that at some point in the past when we were still together and he was out with another girl she probably asked the same question and he probably told her the same thing.
It was easy to tell myself he was just making mistakes, but the hardest part was when I finally realized that I was never actually important to him even though he was my entire existence. Even after I had accepted that he'd never change all I wanted was for us to be together so I could lay in bed with him and I dreamed of the future when we'd be able to go to concerts together and go out to the bar. And I still have an overwhelming feeling to just fucking grab him and kiss him and fuck him. I don't even know why, because he's never given me a single reason to care besides the fact that he flirted with me and I guess I fall for that shit every god damn time.
Brandon, Zach, he whom I refuse to name, and Michael. Shed the smallest amount of attention on me, show the smallest amount of interest, and BAM, I'm lost in a world of dangerous infatuation. Dangerous for me at least.
Brandon is the reason that I don't fight my asexuality. By "fight" mean I don't try to help out my boyfriend with his sexual desires. Pretty much ever. I think the last time I had sex was mid December. That's perfectly fine with me personally (seeing how I haven't really wanted to, you know? because I'm asexual) but a lot of asexual people still sleep with their significant others occasionally if they aren't. He made me feel horrible about myself, because I literally went out of my way to do nice things for him. I made him lunch every day while he was in jail on work release. EVERY DAY for 4 months.
He cheated on me with nasty people. I don't just mean physically. I mean these girls were bitches. These girls had poor personal hygiene. At least 2 of these girls were underage. He was the first person who made me feel special and then I finally realized that I never actually was. And to this day, I STILL want him to find me special.
I thought for a while (I trick myself like this sometimes) that I avoided him because I hated him. No, I avoid him because he still has the power to make me do anything with a fragile bit of hope that he'll finally think I'm special, and when someone so heartless has that power over you it's kind of scary.
XoXo,
S
March 06, 2013
"When I'm working at GM_________"
Did I ever say that GM called? I start next week, 6:30am. I'm supposed to be asleep right now because I need to fix my sleeping habits, but I'm fucking WRITING.
I'm at 15 pages, 5,500 words. If I'm not careful my short story will be come a novellette. I guess it wouldn't be the end of the world or anything, but I wanted it to be a short story :C And a 7,001 page novellette doesn't feel like as much of an accomplishment as a 6,999 word short story (based on this).
Anyway, I'll only be working 2 days a week at GM, but that alone will earn me more more money than I'm making now (well, I guess that depends on taxing) but I'm keeping my job at Wendy's and I'm still trying to donate plasma regularly. Hopefully the need extra workers soon and ask me to work more days a week. Fingers crossed, guys.
Anyway, I'm actually writing this because I'm still seeing things. I guess most people see stuff out of the corner of their eye all the time, but I didn't start seeing things until the last few months. And it's almost constantly, even when I'm completely alone in unmoving surroundings. It's driving me crazy. -_- my eyes need to stop.
I'm going to get back to writing my unpublishable novellette now, k bye.
XoXo,
S
I'm at 15 pages, 5,500 words. If I'm not careful my short story will be come a novellette. I guess it wouldn't be the end of the world or anything, but I wanted it to be a short story :C And a 7,001 page novellette doesn't feel like as much of an accomplishment as a 6,999 word short story (based on this).
Anyway, I'll only be working 2 days a week at GM, but that alone will earn me more more money than I'm making now (well, I guess that depends on taxing) but I'm keeping my job at Wendy's and I'm still trying to donate plasma regularly. Hopefully the need extra workers soon and ask me to work more days a week. Fingers crossed, guys.
Anyway, I'm actually writing this because I'm still seeing things. I guess most people see stuff out of the corner of their eye all the time, but I didn't start seeing things until the last few months. And it's almost constantly, even when I'm completely alone in unmoving surroundings. It's driving me crazy. -_- my eyes need to stop.
I'm going to get back to writing my unpublishable novellette now, k bye.
XoXo,
S
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