Unhealthy

So, I bought Ukulelehead and Amanda Palmer Goes Down Under yesterday right? I think yesterday. I was talking about it last entry and that's what matters right? Yesterblogday.

I unzipped the files. I put them in my music folder. I haven't touched them yet. I go through this every time Amanda comes out with something new. EVERY album after The Dresden Dolls self titled album (and even A is for Accident, because I didn't get it until a year or so ago.) I'm nervous. I'm damn near terrified that I won't like it. That there will be songs that I'm not in love with. That I won't connect with it the way I have with all of her music in the past. I've even been afraid to read her blog recently (although, I get over it and click the links and read it anyway, feeling relieved that all is well in my world of loving Amanda.)

I'm afraid that I've built up such a strong admiration for her that there's no way she'll be able to live up to my expectations, and that if she doesn't my world will fall apart and leave me with nothing but an emptiness that can no longer be filled.

I feel like this every time. I always feel so relieved when I finally bite the bullet, and so retarded for not listening/reading/watching sooner, but it never stops me from feeling the same way in the future.

I'm thinking this is a slightly unhealthy relationship to be having with music/a musician. Not that I don't like it this way. I'm just sayin'.

After I finish my reading and my "favorite and least favorite moments in pop culture" paper for my G&S in PCult class I'm going to do a little resume building (I only got 3 hours this week. Not fucking cool) a little job searching, and work on my first few Fashion and Feminism articles. Once I get a good idea of what I want to do with it I'm going to work on making it a real thing. I have loads of ideas, I'm just afraid to put them into action. Like, will this make me less of a feminist? Will I lose the respect of OTHER feminists for making a fashion blog, even if it's geared towards the love of self expression BY feminists? I don't want to lose my feminism credibility before I even get my WOST degree.

XoXo,

S

My Map of Tasmania

I just bought the $33 Amanda Palmer Goes Down Under T-shirt and CD and Things bundle. I wanted the $100 bundle like I did for Who Killed Amanda Palmer (she makes it worth every penny) but I decided to be less insane with my money. I only got the $33 bundle as opposed to the $22 bundle because I do want a solid CD with my T-Shirt, and buying the T-Shirt bundle only gets you a digital download. I hope an XL Girlie shirt will fit me. Especially since it's purple and says "We are the media" and that's awesome.

I'm about to download the digital copy of Ukulelehead as well. Maybe get the Record later. Re-download iTunes, transfer my files to iTunes... and finally put them on my iPod. THEN life will be good.

X0X0,

S

UPDATE:

I just paid for my 99cent copy of Ukulelehead, but I still intend to get the $35 t-shirt/Vinyl/button package as well. Just not yet. I'm considering just searching band camp for tons of inexpensive music. :O

I also want http://postwartrade.bigcartel.com/product/afp-2011-calendar really really badly. And a Cabaret t-shirt. I could die happy if I could just get ALL of the AFP merch. ALL OF IT.

Being Too Connected;Causing Loss of Connection

I'm trying to get to the bottom of my attention problems, and bad short term memory. I found an article that gives 8 possible suggestions. I have 8 counts potentially going against me.

also, its hard to see things through to eyes of others. sometimes its impossible to know how another feels about you, situations you're in, or the experiences you share. that's why I try to be honest and open about them. I won't just expect someone to know I'm happy or unhappy based on how things go or how I act (i always to to look at the bright side and stay positive, but it doesn't mean I'm happy) so I try to verbalize it. Yeah, that means you have to trust what I say over what I do sometimes, but trust is important in any kind of relationship.

this also goes the other way. I don't know how others feel, so I trust the things they say. if they like to verbally express unhappiness, I take their word. maybe they aren't as unhappy as they like to say, and show that in their actions (actions speak louder, but words are easier to define.)

I think that more than anything, communication in the age of technology is dead. I don't blame Facebook for me and others not communicating properly, but its a tool that we fail to utilize in a way that enhances our ability to share, instead of hindering. I've always been socially dysfunctional, but I find it harder and harder the more I try to connect socially using the internet.

I think I need to restrict my T-communications.

Satellites

Michael got me a new laptop. I'm paying him back (with money, not kisses and love) but he bought it for me because it was a good price and a decent laptop and mine keeps deleting everything I put on it and I won't have money for it until I get my tax stuff taken care of.

It's a cute little Toshiba Satellite L645. And it came with Google Chrome already on it :) And, of course, the first thing we put on it was World of Warcraft, which looks so much prettier than it did on my old laptop, and runs so smooth. My Dell struggled to play the graphics when it was on the "fair" setting, and now it runs perfectly on "good" and if I were willing to deal with the lag I used to face I could play it on "Ultimate" but I'm okay with good.

Michael wants to buy a Macbook for his new laptop. Mine was $600 with 4g ram and 500g hard drive. A Mac laptop that costs twice that has half of both. He wants to play WoW on THAT? I'm sure its possible, especially with the $2000 model, but when the only reason you want a Mac is because its a Mac and it won't actually perform the way you need it to, do you really want to spend that kind of money? I could have gotten a laptop with a bluray player for $100 more, and one with bluetooth and a backlit keyboard if I added $200 to that... but I don't use any of those things (besides blue tooth, but at the moment I'm fine without) so I got the less expensive one. The laptop that actually had all of those didn't have the graphics card I needed to make my gaming experience.

It's his money though. I just think that's going to cause more stress on us, and I don't want him to have to deal with more. :(

XoXo,

S

school work

I need to stop pmsing all over the place. +migrane +cramps +stress from math class.

I got my boots for my trip to New Mexico. They're called Fugitives by Aslo. I thought that "fugitive makes it sounds like something from WoW!" so I now refer to them as my Leather Fugitive shoes of the eagle. :) +346 water resistance +120 intellect :) Yeah, they'er water resistant. And Leather. Does that make me a Rouge? I think it does.

My Algebra is going so much better now. Apparently I'm not as stupid as I thought. Then again, I'm only a few weeks in. I'm on problem 13 of 50, and only didn't know how to do 2 so far. I should probably be able to get to 20 before I get to stuff we haven't covered in class yet. :) Then I have reading for my popculture class, and to look up a topic for my journal. Hope I can keep up with all of this.

XoXo,
S

nothing

I'm an affectionate person. I love showing affection, and being shown it in return. It feels almost betraying to be shown affection just to bother someone else. its supposed to be a sweet, pure, loving act. I'd rather never be shown kindness than to be shown it for the purpose of being rude.

where's the respect?

and yeah, NOTHING comes between me and my tattoos.

XoXo
s

Tea Time

I, through conversation with my boyfriend, realized something today that kinda gave me a reasoning for why I blog, and why I need to keep it up. I have terrible memory. When I'm reminded of something, the link is still there, but without that push I can't seem to keep the connections together. I don't want to lose all of my memories just because no one is here to spark the connections in my brain.

I tried to think back to high school, and remember something. Nothing in particular, just see if I could pull up a memory. I can't quite do it. My memories are like the times I spend drunk. It IS there, but its also all fuzzy around the edges. I sometimes have all of the pieces but I can't seem to pull them into the right order to make the memory. Certain little pieces stand out, but for some reason I can't make anything of them. When I look back at myself, all I really see is this black and white picture of me from my photography class. Long straight black hair, baggy good charlotte shirt, jeans, a good charlotte wrist band, a pink floyd wrist band (even though I didn't listen to pink floyd.) Michelle is a black and red striped shirt with a zipper above the chest, blue jeans, converse and long brown hair with bright red tips, occasionally cat ears. Kim is a t-shirt, jeans, black quilted converse, long curly red hair in a really big bun and an olive green messenger bag.

When I think back to any moment of high school before my senior year, that's exactly how I picture everyone unless I noted otherwise in my memory. (yes, I take note of certain things and store them as important. Like that day Michelle wore a layered top, a black skirt over leather looking pants and heels/boots because she was going to the french restraunt with the french club.)

I mean, I have photographs. I have blogs. But in my head I only have those big, fuzzy edged and jumbled pieces. I remember specific looks people gave me, but not why or when. I blog, in detail, because I don't want to forget. There are a lot of times over the past few years that I can't remember where I was or what I was doing because I never wrote it down.

Therefor, Today I drank a cup of tea in the Antropology lounge on campus. It made me feel brittish, and it's peppermint flavored. Michael bought it for me.

XoXo,
S

Algebra

I just took an algebra exam worth 20% of my grade, within the first month of classes starting. the homework I've been going on mymathlabs was ridiculous. I was terrified, considering I did bad in algebra in high school.

it wasn't bad though. I generally understood what I was supposes to do for every problem, being multiple choice, I

Algebra

I just took an algebra exam worth 20% of my grade, within the first month of classes starting. the homework I've been going on mymathlabs was ridiculous. I was terrified, considering I did bad in algebra in high school.

it wasn't bad though. I generally understood what I was supposes to do for every problem, being multiple choice, I

Algebra

I just took an algebra exam worth 20% of my grade, within the first month of classes starting. the homework I've been going on mymathlabs was ridiculous. I was terrified, considering I did bad in algebra in high school.

it wasn't bad though. I generally understood what I was supposes to do for every problem, being multiple choice, I

speak

For a while now I've felt like I've been really holding back about my life. A lot of things have been going on. Some good, a lot of bad, and a lot of things that leave me wondering. I don't know what's causing me to do this, because I've never held back my rants and details of my life, especially from my blog. Is it paranoia? Or have I just matured in a way that I feel like I shouldn't be sharing these things with strangers and having it plastered permanently across the world? Which if that's the case, I don't get it. I've never cared. I've always held the attitude that it didn't matter. There are people out there who have experienced similar things, people who share more personal information that I do, and people who already know the things I'm going through and yet I still refuse to write it.

As much as I wouldn't mind talking about some of the things I'm going through, I can't help but feel like maybe I really don't know how. Like, where do I start? Do I want to? Do I really want to share personal situations that I share with others, or have I reached a mindset that I should only talk about things that pertain to myself?

Maybe, the real problem is that I keep seeing that I'm not valued by the people around me, so I don't feel as if I CAN share what I have to say. It's hard when you just feel like your problems are a burden to others. Like they only listen because they feel like they have to and that they complain about you later behind your back. I think the main problem is that most of my friends are in high school/early college/work at Wendy's. I need open minded adult friends. Maybe I'll try to talk to the girl I sit next to in my pop culture class. Or, maybe I'll talk in my pop culture class in general.

Speaking of, you can totally tell who in that class is interested in WOST and who just likes popculture. It's a class on both, but the WOST ladies take the laid back and open minded approach to everything. The Pop Culture ladies tend to hold conservative opinions on the culture we observe. The whole notion that a girl wearing a miniskirt has no self respect is completely ridiculous in this day and age.

XoXo

S

Good Day

its funny how good and accomplished you feel when you get things taken care of. moving my stuff back home, 5th time I've moved since high school. getting a job in Fort Wayne, getting a new car (used) and getting a bunch of little unneeded stressers squared away.

i don't really have a problem with my sisters boyfriend, but it feels really good when you ask your dad if you can have the spare room, and he says "well, Bert sleeps there now, but if you want it he can just sleep on the couch" :) my daddy loves me.my boyfriend is proud of me. I'm proud of myself.

XoXo
S

because

I think I choose to be alone merely for the fact that I'm going to end up alone anyway, and at least this way I feel like I had a choice in the matter.

I need to get away from that city.

XoXo
S

identity

I'm getting to the point where I'm wondering if I'll ever have friends that appreciate me, or if I just keep picking the wrong people. my casual acquaintances seem more willing to talk to me and spend time with me than the people I call friends. or, is it just me and my personality that pushes people away? does no one care for the quiet person with a strange and sometimes dark and sarcastic sense of humor? we're all the rage in movies and on tv.

XoXo
s

moving out, moving on

when a job barely pays you enough for the gas it takes you to get around its time to finally move on. its a scary thing, but you gotta do what you gotta do...

I think I've started to move in an exact direction. what will happen, I'm still not sure, but I'm moving.

XoXo
S

treading

I wish we knew what way we were headed so we could find the right path to get there.

XoXo,
S

mornings

nothing better than falling asleep on one side of the bed and waking up on the other with someone special's arms around you :)

XoXo
S

Almost

Gee, I'm almost sorry that I'm being "whiney" when I have a migraine and feel like I'm going to throw up. Almost sorry that having to hear sounds makes it worse, and almost sorry that you only called me to make me price check something for you when you know I'm not feeling well and you could do it yourself on your phone.

My head needs to stop hurting.

XoXo,
S

bugs and disease

I've come to realize something tonight, bed bugs are ten times more of a bother and more expensive and difficult to get rid of than an STD (besides those which are forever.) BUT people get sued over giving someone an STD, like the girl who got herpes from a guy who claimed to be clean... but if you know you have bed bugs and go sleep at someone's house or let them go to yours its no legal fault of the person who had them if the other person gets the bugs from the experience.

I'm not saying one situation is worse than the other for either party (okay, yes I am) but I've slept at home in my own bed for about 3 days in a row now and I'm just a tad bit irritated by the nasty itchy bites on my back feet and arms. I've managed to keep my shit clean enough to not give my boyfriend bedbugs over the last few weeks so it IS possible to not spread them while taking basic precautions. too bad no one considered that before giving them to me.

so remember kids, vacuum a lot (floors, bed, whatever) wash your sheets and blankets, keep your clothes away from your bed and don't be afraid of using hot water or a dryer on its max setting if it means keeping your bed bugs to yourself. oh, and wrap it before you tap it, ALWAYS.

XoXo
S

static

I haven't blogged for a while. I'm not sure what I want out of life. Is that a surprise? Have I ever?

I just want to do something that I enjoy. Something that makes me happy. Why isn't that an acceptable goal? My passions are rarely things that I would make a lot of money off of (hell, less than a year ago I was ready to uproot and move to a big city to be a street performer.)

Where in the professional world is there room for someone like me? There really isn't, and I don't WANT to wear a fucking business suit and look like a drab personality lacking piece of corperate America. That's not for everyone. It's just not.

I haven't moved forward a single step since college, have I? It' supposed to be helping me, but it isn't.

XoXo,
S