Running and staying

Despite my actual better judgement I've entered into another relationship. But I waited. I waited until I felt okay. I waited until I didn't feel alone anymore and for when I could sleep at night. 

It's been good and simple and he's been really sweet and supportive. He has a knack for making me open up a little. Not a lot, but more than I'd have opened up to any other guy I'd only been dating for like a week. 

He claims he's not really into goth people perse, but that he likes me and he likes my clothes and my hair. Thats something. Something that can't change. 

Still, I know he's crazy about me but I'm treading lightly and he seems to be too. 

I haven't had the fleeting feeling of being overjoyed. I like that. I've just been stable and content for almost 2 weeks. The rise I think is what kills my relationships. Or a shit load of other factors. 

I saw a post on tumblr about how we grow up to the the fix that our parents relationship needed. I fucking get out I'd relationships as soon as they aren't easy, and I kind of think its because I always saw my parents suffering and I knew they weren't happy and even when I was really young I wanted then to split up because I wanted them to be happy. 

Maybe now that I understand why I'm so prone to run I'll be able to work on it and work on relationships when they aren't easy anymore or when they get serious because serious is scary. Idk. 

I just thought I'd throw some thoughts out.

XoXo

S

Running and staying

Despite my actual better judgement I've entered into another relationship. But I waited. I waited until I felt okay. I waited until I didn't feel alone anymore and for when I could sleep at night. 

It's been good and simple and he's been really sweet and supportive. He has a knack for making me open up a little. Not a lot, but more than I'd have opened up to any other guy I'd only been dating for like a week. 

He claims he's not really into goth people perse, but that he likes me and he likes my clothes and my hair. Thats something. Something that can't change. 

Still, I know he's crazy about me but I'm treading lightly and he seems to be too. 

I haven't had the fleeting feeling of being overjoyed. I like that. I've just been stable and content for almost 2 weeks. The rise I think is what kills my relationships. Or a shit load of other factors. 

I saw a post on tumblr about how we grow up to the the fix that our parents relationship needed. I fucking get out I'd relationships as soon as they aren't easy, and I kind of think its because I always saw my parents suffering and I knew they weren't happy and even when I was really young I wanted then to split up because I wanted them to be happy. 

Maybe now that I understand why I'm so prone to run I'll be able to work on it and work on relationships when they aren't easy anymore or when they get serious because serious is scary. Idk. 

I just thought I'd throw some thoughts out.

XoXo

S

Fixing It

I feel so fucking alone. Everything feels wrong. Something is wrong with me.

Why can't I feel good? Why can't I feel anything unless I throw myself into a pit of fucking misery? I can't love people who love me. Why do I only set myself up for hurt? I can't feel good. I can't stand people who like me. I can't stand people who are nice to me. I hate it when I'm treated well.

All I fucking want is affection from people who I either can't stand or don't stand a chance with.

And anyone guy, no matter how uninterested he is in me, gives me a little bit of attention and I fall for him. Instantly. No matter how terrible they are, or how wrong they are for me.

And I don't have friends. Not many. I haven't heard from someone I considered my best friend in probably 6 months. My other close friends are so far up political shit creek I can't even look at them the same way anymore. The girl I know from work didn't reply to my texts. I've only heard from two people in the last month. One of them is a guy who's been trying to fuck me for a while. I have no interest in him. Barely even as a friend because he has shit intentions.

The other is a friend who I haven't even spoken to in a while, but I'm still really grateful that we met. Because even after not talking much for long periods of time she's still there if I am.

But you know, it's still lonely. It still hurts. I'm still afraid to be with myself. I'm feeling so terrible and so awful right now. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix it.

xoxo,
S

Self sabotage.

I don't even know what to do about myself anymore. I hate myself when I'm alone. I hate other people when I'm around them. I get nervous meeting new people and I'm not very outgoing around people I like. When I am I feel like I'm just being annoying and that they'll hate me so i stop talking to them ( and then the people who did like me now think I hate them). 

I saw my friend Lacey's apartment and its gorgeous and they're redoing more in the same building to look similar, but my brother wants me to move into this house in Decatur with him. I'm wanting to do that because it helps him out, but at the same time I can't think of a single thing I like about Decatur. 

But I don't know how I'd do on my own. I'm really uninspired right now. Lonely. I went to a further away Walmart to wonder around so I could be around people. Now I'm just sitting in the parking lot on my phone wishing I had someone to talk to. 

I don't and I know it's my fault. But it doesn't make me any less alone. 

I just sabotage myself every step of the way. 

XoXo,

S