up up up :D

After feeling really taken apart. Starting to feel so overwhelmed that I couldn't take anymore of whatever it was that was pressuring my mind... Well, I was brought back down to earth :) Thank god for having a close friend again. I'm afraid of myself when I get like that, and it hasn't happened in a while.

Life is looking up, hopefully for a while.

Let's have a run down of the last 3 days.
Monday: pinched my finger in the ladder. It bled, and the ladder was dirty so it stung. Randomly stressed out day, ending with me deciding to get a head start on cleaning the oven just to get a large, long burn on my wrist from the hot oven rack. It didn't blister but it hurt like a bitch, and hurts just as badly as it heals.

Tuesday: cut my finger open on a staple that helped hold together a headset that I use almost every day. I never had problems with it before... but I'm not happy with the dumbass who made the bottoms of the staples face outwards. Then, I got to Wal-Mart and went to the bathroom just to realize the crotch of my pants were ripped. They weren't when I left the house so who knows when it happened. Luckily, it was in the spot that it probably wasn't visible (at least I hope not... if it were I'm sure someone would have told me...) but it was at least a quick fix, I had safety pins on my underwear :) I'm as prepared as a boyscout.

Wednesday: (today) woke up early for once, but with a headache so bad that I was nearly imobalized. Add to that a stomach ach that was comparable to the cramps I get on my period. FUCK THAT. Took some Excedrin, went back to sleep, felt better when I woke up but barely made it to work on time... Did I mention was 5 minutes late Monday AND Tuesday? fml.

Then I was going into that mood. Dark and empty. The people I work with don't make it any easier (jesus fucking christ I hate skanks) but thankfully I was pulled out of it. I think this week will be looking up from here on out. I even found hypo-allergenic bandaides at Walgreen's that I can use on all of my cuts and burns. and having ointments means the burn won't scar too badly. BA :D

Oh, I dyed my hair... and I missed a few spots with the black Dx and I feel like a generic psedo-rebelious middle schooler. But I'll survive. :) $2 buys some cheap black dye that will at least make it not look blond :D

Because It Makes Me Feel Like an Artist

I went through all my webcam shots today. Made me feel a little better about my lacking of artist flow lately.

wtf, self.

I'm going to go see that alien movie with Brad today. (: Best manager ever.

Feeling on and off all week. Don't know why. I'd like to blame seasonal depression. I think I will, just because it's easier to deal with feeling down when there's some reason to it.

I have realized lately that I always seem to be a little on edge. Why? Who the hell knows. I don't feel especially stressed out (quite the contrary, besides my car dying I'm having no problems with bills or friends) but it seems like if I really wanted to, I could just break down and cry at any give thing. It's that feeling around your eyes where you know that you could just let go and cry at any thing, but you don't because you know it doesn't actually bother you.

What the hell.

XoXo

Disconnection

Disconnection used to be a god send. A temporary freedom from whatever it was that I was going through. Or maybe I just remember wrong. It's like things just aren't clicking, nothing is processing right. I'm trying to reconnect everything, but it just isn't fucking working and I'm tired of the constant pressure and numbness and how hard it is for me to sleep and function.

The weather doesn't help, I hate the winter.

When was the last time I felt right? I can't even readjust to myself enough to enjoy the things I used to. Or, anything really.

Fuck, I used to blog once every day, sometimes twice. I haven't even been able to do that.

I need to go take pictures. I need my model back. I need my life to be put back in order.

I miss Indy. I need the city. Jacob said we could move to Fort Wayne when he got back from basic. Too bad it's not now. I think it's what I need.

XoXo

Self Piercings

I was talking with Brittany about piercings. I think I want to buy a shit-ton of sterile needles and experiment on myself.

I have my lobes pretty well finished as far as piercings go (one more on my left, one more on my right) so I was looking up the many many tutorials on piercing your own cartilage (I'm wanting the lower cartilage on my right done, and outer conch on my left. Possibly a Helix if those go well, since it looks a bit more complicated.) and I'm surprised how stupid some people are.

You can't sterilize a safety pin. Maybe a sewing needle (and that's a big maybe, it's still not surgical quality metals.) In fact, you should use a needle like that to begin with, you want one that is hollow in the center. Sterile, hollow centered piercing needles are like $2 at most online. I pierced my lobe with a safety pin once, and it got really nasty, so when it finally healed it had built up a nasty little lump of scar tissue. You don't fucking want that. I took it out completely and let it heal, and let me tell you, re-piercing it was painful as fuck. Scar tissue is not your friend.

Then, I finally got along to gauging it, and because the scar tissue doesn't stretch, the quality of the gauge in that ear is pretty shitty, and it tore a few times, which you really don't want because it ends in more scar tissue. That inevitably leads to more pain and more tear and even more shitty scar tissue if you gauge up again (which I plan to. See how I fucked future self by using that safety pin?)

But anyway. My only fear with the cartilage is getting the bubble from it. I'm not too concerned with shattering my cartilage, honestly, because I'll be using a hollow needle and not a gun, but to this day, I've yet to receive a consistent answer for what it is. If you don't know what it is, you can't prevent it, or treat it when it happens. I'm not a big fan of the unknown when it comes to my body.

I guess I'll be researching more. Maybe I'll end up going to a parlor for a tattoo or something and end up asking them then. Hopefully I get the needles with my next check (I have a lot of bills that will probably go on that check, and will be starting my new phone plan with it and the money I've saved up) so I'll keep you updated on how that pans out. If it ends well enough, I'll try for piercing other things (on other people, for free.)

XoXo
a now aspiring body piercer. Thanks Brit :p

Another Year

Been playing WoW. Stomach ache all weekend, then a migraine today, and that pit of your stomach/back of your throat feeling that you get when you're just starting to come down with something. Exhaustion.

Mellow music, almost every night. Amanda Palmer, obviously, Rob Zombie, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Slipknot's Vermilion pt. 2. I've never felt so artistic and so unhappy about it.

If nothing else in my lifetime, I want to create something truly thought provoking. I want to make art, and I want to relax and be myself and be around the people who understand me.

I want a new tattoo, or new piercing or new mod of any kind. Elf ears. They'd be fun to pierce.

I think I'm going to make a video of the fall. Something that makes no sense but for some reason makes you laugh or cry. One of those movies that just touches you in a way that you don't quite understand and forces you to think, even if you don't know what about. The kind of thing that inspires you, but not in a way that you can express or explain. I need to know that I can make people feel. That is the only thing you can truly accomplish in life, and if you don't you're existence is hollow.

Random Frantic Action

No Amanda, I cannot see the means without the end.

I try. But I can't. I can't spend thousands of dollars going to college and learning if I know it will show no real meaning once it's done. There's no end to those means, just debt. I don't want to work in a fucking office. I don't want to be a doctor, I don't want to be a lawyer or a social worker or vet or accountant. No amount of telling me to do so will change that. There's no reason for me to suffer through classes I don't care about, which will take time out of my work schedule and make it hard to pay bills, just so I can get a degree that will sit in my closet and go unused.

And no, I can't spend my life just hoping that putting up with someone I love will end up well for me. I prefer sure things to shots in the dark.

I'm tired of being home alone all the time. I knew it'd be the case when I moved in. But then, when people are here I just want to be alone.

I have a ton of extra money from this check. Maybe not a TON, because this will normally be where my phone bill kicks in, but I have spending money and I don't even feel like spending it. That's fucking insane. Spending money is my favorite past time.

Then I went to Fort Wayne today, with Brandon, as friends. At first he was acting like we were together, and "accidentally" running into me from behind, and hanging on me and so on. I told him I wanted him to stop. I don't like having my emotions played with. He said several times "I see you as more of a friend than a girlfriend" so I expect him to act like it. Then, he was being a douche the rest of the time, trying to upset me with our 'singleness.' by acting like he didn't care that he was commenting on random girls in front of me. Then was surprised when I called him a dick and walked off.

Jacob went to Cedar Point with his girlfriend and some friends, and I've been here alone since yesterday morning. Went to BWW yesterday with my family, but it only made me realize how much I like not being around my mom and sister (if they keep fucking talking about my dad like that, I'll stop talking to them altogether. He never says a word against them behind their backs. EVER and she's fucking 13 and pregnant.) I'm tired of them. And tired of my family pressuring me to go to college, and upset with the fact that it takes my sister getting knocked up to get my family to accept me. I know I'm not as fucked up as her, but do you really need the comparision just to accept me?

I really fucking want to see Rob Zombie. I think the concert is either late October or Early November. I can barely afford it (and will scrimp and save to get to go since I fucking LOVE him) but I don't want to go alone, and can't stand to go with Brandon (I'll either be upset the whole time, mad at him, or he'll be acting like were still together. Can't fucking win) and I can't think of a single person I'd want to go to a concert in Indy with. Plus, being in Indy only reminds me that I never hear from Michelle anymore.

I just want to fucking see Rob Zombie. And get shit sorted out, and put it through peoples heads that college isn't important to me (neither is money, really. That's why I don't mind buying everything secondhand).

Fuck Life. Screw the means with no end.
I want a new AFP album, asap. I need the therapy.

X0X0