I'm -happy-

so, I was just watching Two and a Half Men (another show I love) and Alan asked Candy why she was with him... It got me thinking (due to that, and something me and Brandon were talking about earlier) why I was with Brandon. And I just realized how happy he makes me.

Today I found out that a guy I work with was a cutter. He denies it, and it's -possible- that it was just his dog (not very possible, but still, I'd hate for it to really be his dog and accuse him of cutting) and people were giving him a hard time, jokingly. And I defended him, saying that what someone like that needs is for people to be nice to him and give him positive attention. People like that need help, regardless of WHY they do it. If no one helps them then they may not get better and they may end up being so reliant on it that they loose the ability to fully recover and have constant relapse. I wouldn't wish a lifetime battle like that on anyone. For giving him that sympathy someone was like "how would you know lololololol" and I remind them of my past with cutting.

Brad, my manager, didn't know about that. He started asking me why, was I depressed? am I still depressed? and so on. Now that I really think about it, I HAVEN'T been depressed. My whole life I've always had an underlying depression regardless of how happy I seamed or what good things were going on. Even when I was with Spencer I had it.

So that passed and the day went on and I went to eat with Brandon. Then he walked me out to my car and sat on my lap while the car warmed up (yeah, he squeezed onto my lap in the drivers seat. I love it when he sits on my lap, he's not heavy, and I feel closer to him than when I sit on his) and he said that I was the only one for him. No matter what happened, at the end of the day he was still all mine. He went on to tell me that some people had been asking him if he had gotten married, because of the ring he has now that I got for him.. and comment about how committed he must be to our relationship to wear it. These are people who KNOW him. Surprised by how committed he is.

I realized that HE is the reason I'm so happy. It's Brandon that's rid me of my depression. He gives me strength and all that other lovey bullshit that people roll their eyes at unless it's happening to them. Brandon makes me happy. I'm happy now, because I have him.

They're doing a spoof of the door scene from yellow submarine on Family Guy. I really dislike the Beatles.

but I'm happy right now. so it's okay.

<3
S

ah, the spirit. My life is GOOD

I have the best life ever :D

Yesterday me and Brandon did our Christmas thing. He liked his gifts :3 and he got me such cute and thoughtful things. Considering his limited selection I don't think I could be happier <3 I set all the gifts he gave me on my DVD player, because it's right past the end of my bed so I can see it from anywhere. And part of the gift as a little Christmas tree that lights up with glitter inside. So I turn it on when I shut my lights out to go to bed. He's such a sweetie.

I already told you about the funny shirt and keychain that my brother and his girlfriend bought me. I love them so. And then, I get a text from Brad last night (he's my manager) saying that I better be at work the next day because he got me a present. and I was like :D OMG PRESENT? cuz I thought that the work shoes were a present (sure I was giving him a bunch of 1 liters of Pepsi in return, but still, they're expensive shoes) but serisouly... He got me a reversible Jack Skelington hoodie.


I just looked it up on the website (bad shayla.) and it's a $48 hoodie. I have an awesome manager.

Rachel, my other manager, baked Andes Mint cookies and made -sure- that I got one because I love them so much. I bought some food for Brandon, but I couldn't take it to him because I wasn't off until 4, and he closed at 5 so he couldn't take his break that late. Jacob took it over to him to make sure Brandon got to eat.

Then Brad said I could leave early, as long as someone could cover for me, and then Falicia came in and said she would. So I got to leave 20 minutes early to go see Brandon while he ws just getting off of his break, so I got some extra time with my baby. I won't get to see him tomorrow... but he's gonna call me :D he's so sweet.

Laycee is going to be coming with us to my grandparents house, which means I won't have to be alone. I mean, Jacob will be there too, but it's nice to have a girl to talk to too.




today, someone paid for the people in the car behind them even though they don't know them, as a Christmas gift. Imagine coming up to the window to find out that someone already took care of your meal. :) I feel good right now. People being all cheery and giving makes me feel WONDERFUL.

much <3
S

Realizations and Iced Roads

House is on. I love House.

There's something that I've realized about myself. When I'm angry or upset, I like to bitch and complain on my blog and I tend to make too much out of situations that I would otherwise not care about if I were in a different mood. Like the thing about Brandon and him wanting a cop car. Sure, financial stability is a big deal for me, but really the reason that stemmed my anger was that Brandon spent his call to me talking about it instead of talking to me, because he got excited about finding a cheap black and white cop car because he knows that's the kind I like the most.

So really, I was mad at him for talking about something he thought I'd be excited about. Even though I didn't let him know how upset I was about that, I still feel bad now that I look back at the situation. He thought I'd be excited and happy too. A liking of cop cars is something we have in common. ): he's a sweetie, and he tries a lot harder than I give him credit for. And after all those financial troubles I had with him I end up being the one that's too broke to get gas even though my tank is nearly empty, and I'm the one who didn't have the money to pay for my part of the bill. And he's being so understanding about it. ):

I think that realizing this about myself is important. That's why I'm blogging about it. And I'm gonna make more of an effort to save my money now. It'll be an easy start because I have Christmas money coming in in a few days AND I get paid tomorrow. With my check I gotta get my phone bill paid, get gas AND get Brandon phone cards (that's how he wants me to pay him back for the bills I couldn't cover)


OH! GUESS WHAT! I have my first car accident! :D I finally got it out of the way and I totally kept my cool! It happened on my way home from Brian's. When I was on 1100 (the road that touches 650, which is the road my house is on) I guess I underestimated how icey it was because it was dark. I was only going about 35, but when I tapped the break to get ready to turn on 650 my car went balistic and slid all over and headed straight toward the stop sign. I didn't want to hit the sign so I took a risk and turned the wheel all the way. I was gonna go off the road anyway, I knew that because my car was going too fast to stop any time soon. I guess most people wouldn't consider that an accident because it involved no collision, but to me, anything that involves the car going off the road that wasn't on purpose was OBVIOUSLY and accident ;p

I called my dad first because if anyone, he'd be the one to get me out. No answer. I called my mom because she's more likely to have her phone nearby, no answer. I called Tia because I knew they were all home and it was busy. Yeah. It's actually good to find out that they're the LAST people to call when I get into an accident, because had the accident been worse I would have been more stressed and having them not answer would just freak me out. Now I know to call Jacob first. Obviously he couldn't help me, but he told me to call Craig, who ended up pushing me out of the ditch (litterally, as in, with is hands). It was a good thing to finally experience. And I'm happy to know I can keep my cool in negative driving situations.

anyway. long entry is long, right?

<3
S

So the power went out yesterday at 5 in the morning. I was awake for some reason, I usually DO wake up right before things like that happen (like the earthquake.) But anyway the powers been out until about an hour ago. It was hell. I had to get ready for work in the dark yesterday, I couldn't use the bathroom at home because our water is run by a pump that requires ELECTRICITY and I couldn't straighten my hair. The best part of the day was the really horrible stressful day at work. No, really, it was the worst day ever. From 10:30 to 3:45 we were busy. And it was all big orders because most of the area didn't have power. Fuckers can't just make something from the food that's gonna go bad in their fridge. NOOOOO, lets make the kids FAT FAT FAT. (I was so pissed off, I don't even know what brought on how damn angry I felt, because I felt mad the moment I stepped on line.

anyway. Went home, had to light candles in my room to see. Candles are amazingly bright. just a few tea candles can light a whole room. Dimly, but it's still the whole room. I had on my acrylic tights (they look like they're cotton, but stretch like most tights and are thick) knee high socks, ankle socks, thick fuzzy mid calf socks AND leg warmers and two pairs of pants, a big t-shirt and two hoodies AND my elbow length gloves. 3 fleece blankets. I was still cold. No heater=sucky time. I was so bored I went to bed at 9. I tried writing a note to Brandon (it was 4 pages long) and I read too. So bored. I woke up at 5 because thats a full 8 hours of sleep. I forced myself to sleep until 10, because I had nowhere to go until Wendy's at least opened. I sat at Wendy's from 11 to 3:30. I hung out with Jacob for a bit there, then Brian came to hang out, then Laycee and her dad. Eventually I went to Brians to use the internet (that's where I'm at now. I came back for a Christmas thing).... interesting day.

Highlight of today, as usual, seeing my baby. I miss him. So damn much. He messed his hair up when he was trimming it at the jail. It wasn't too bad, but since his cam was really low quality it made it look horrible. He had me touch it up for him. I had to go to dollar general just to get trimmers to do it. :D cutie pie. he really is. I miss him already.

I'm back at Brian's now eating pizza and having Christmas fun. Laycee and Jacob got me a shirt that says "my heart is as cold as a robot" or something to that extent. and a gir keychain where he's eating a waffle :B I love it.

I'm about to go home actually, cuz it's late and the clothes I'm wearing are dirty and I've been sweaty cuz I didn't want to take some of my layers off when I left because it was too cold at home but it's a lot warmer everywhere else... Besides. Evan will be here soon and he's mean to me ):







anyways. Long entry. cuz I miss the internet and don't have it at my house right now. ): SAD FACE.

much <3
S

I'm finally starting to come down from my love high. why? because Brandon is DETERMINED to get another cop car. I told him we don't need one. I told him that we're already saving our money for OTHER things, like, idk, FIXING THE DAMN FLOOR. 3/4 of the floor boards are in horrible shape in the dining room/my future room. I know HE doesn't care if the floor caves in (he said he'd just nail some boards over it. knowing him, he'd nail a bunch of 2X4's over it. fuck that. and he honestly thinks he could sell his house for the 60,000 it's supposed to be worth?)... But I do. And if I don't pay for it, it won't get done. But why should I throw myself into a financial crisis for HIS house, when I don't really get anything out of it. I AM paying to live there.

So while I'm paying $1200 for his floor, he's buying himself another vehicle. what happened to the money he was saving for me? Does it sound selfish that I actually want to get something out of me getting him a new floor? and by new floor I'm not in any way exagerating. We're ripping up the wood floor then ripping up the base floor. The whole room will be open to the dirt below the foundation. I'm replacing ALL of that, because it'll all need to be replaced. I'm also gonna fix whatever it is that caused the problem. something is obviously leaking.

But what do I get in return? Brandon buying himself another car. I he had told me he was done with senseless spending. But I know better than to think that I can talk brandon out of buying something once he's decided that he wants it. I could flat out tell him no, and he'd still buy it and try to hide it in the garage, and when I found out claim that he didn't know I didn't want him to buy it/ say he got it a while ago :\ he's really bad with money.

I'm not gonna let financial issues cause me to fuck my relationship up. I forget the exact percentage, but a really high percentage of relationships end because of finanacial issues of some form. I suppose as long as I get my god damn X Stage I'll be happy. I will, however, refuse to move in with him until he promises to make sure the floor will be taken care of.

Just to show that I'm not a TOTAL money-tard, these are my priorities money-wise (I haven't spent money on anything but food this whole week)

1. Phone bill
2. My part of Brandon's electric bill
3. new tires (i need 2, jacob got me two for free)
4. saving for the floor
5. getting some money for a safety net. Cuz we never know what will happen.



I've woken up with a headache every day this week. Once I sit up it hits me hard. I'd be worried about it, but the weather is so shitty that I can't say that it isn't a factor. It always fades a bit, but a regular morning headache is only normal for the coffee addicted.

yay life :\
<3
S

strip strip strip save.

So I was talking to Brandon on the phone a little bit ago and brought up the X Pole stage. He said it's kinda cool, but a bit expensive... Then I said I'd rather have a stripper pole than anything that had to do with bigger boobs (he's been saving his money to get me ANYTHING to help out with that) and he was like "OKAY!" He thinks it's pretty cool too. We're getting the X Pole Freestanding Stage. If I really wanted to, I could take it to the park, or anyone's house, or ANYWHERE! I think my room in the basement is the only place that it wouldn't work, because the ceiling is way too low. I'm already visualizing routines and songs and stuff. ): how lame am I? right?

however. I'm excited about doing something dancey again. it'll be a full year since I've danced when Brandon gets out and we get the pole. full damn year. seems like forever.

in other news, I still had a headache this morning when I woke up. Still just the light dull pain. I still hate it. Work was great though, I was too happy to get stressed out or anything. We're being inspected tomorrow, though, again. And Tuesdays suck.

I also relaced my white gogo boots with the corset lacing up the back.. and realized that they have bite marks all over. :\ since dogs don't come into my room, I've concluded that Becki left them out and a dog fucking gnawed at them. I may have only spent like, $15/$20 on them, but to REPLACE them will be around $80-$130. Why am I so nice? oh yeah, because my brother liked her at the time >:(

aaaaanyway. I got a pair of leg warmers for $4 yesterday, a pair of arm warmers for the same price, and a pair of acrylic tights that are grey black and maroon for $2.50. good deals.

I'm making sure to keep money set aside. I really am. I have almost $200 in savings. If I keep saving about $200 every month, I'll have about $800 or so by the time brandon gets out. If brandon has the price of the X Pole on his own, we'll only be about $400 off for getting the floor fixed in my room/the room with the pianos/the room with the pole. And thats if I don't save my christmas money, which should be around $160. I probably won't... but I can dream. If I get $1000 by next summer, I'll have back all the money that I had saved for college. I just gotta be good ): gotta be good. super good. I CAN DO THIS!

maybe.

much love <3
S

Strippers

Sooo. I am in all seriousness thinking about getting a stripper pole. A portable one (it has a small round stage and secures to the ceiling without screws. It's out in January, so I'm waiting for reviews to come back from it)

But really, I've been on a site for an hour or so, and the girls there use the pole for exercise. They do tricks and spins and other various things (not just dancing around a cheap pole like a whore). It looks like so much god damn fun. More fun than Jazz and Ballet, and any other form of dance I've done. It'd build strength in my arms, legs and abs. and looks fucking cool! The portable one is $700, but I refuse to get anything but a portable one. I don't want to have any awkward conversations with parents and friends about why there's a big damn pole in my living room.

Of course, $700 is a lot, but I think Brandon would see it as a great investment. I mean, what guy in their right mind would tell their girlfriend that they didn't want to get them a stripper pole. I can't wait! He'd be willing to save up for that. He WAS saving money for anything we could do regarding my boobs, but I think this is MUCH better investment wise. ;D

I still had a bit of the headache I had yesterday. seeing that video made me extremely happy. ballet/pole dancing. who'd have thunk it?!

<3
S

my head

So I just took a "what religious belief are you" test, and it gives a bunch of religions and what percent of you're answers agree with the beliefs. What's really funny is the fact that My scores said I was more Non theistic than most of the popular Christian faiths... and I clearly believe in some sort of higher being.

basically, I like the idea of Unitarian Universalism. The whole thing is very full of lose, decide yourself things. like, the fact that I don't really see 'god' as a big guy up on a throne in heaven with a long white beard. Or the fact that I don't do 'evil' things because some chick took a bite of an apple thousands and thousands of years ago. Basically, if you believe ANYTHING, you're one of these people.

THIS is it, if you're interested. it's kinda interesting.

anyway. today I woke up with a headache so bad that I couldn't sit up. just rolling to my other side made it feel like the gravitational pull on my brain increased, and was going to make it explode. I took some pills for it (Midol, which has acetaminophen and caffeine, both good for headaches. ) and it did NOTHING. I layed in bed until I finally just fell asleep. but it didn't last long. after an hour or so of laying down I stopped feeling it so I got up to turn my heater up and it hit me like a brick to my head. not fucking kidding, it felt like someone smashed a fucking brick into my head and I just fell back onto my bed and curled up until it stopped. I cried a LOT today. by 3 or 4 it stopped hurting when I'd roll over to a new side, but it still hurt when I sat up.. not as badly though. So I got up and started to get ready for getting food for brandon. It's was just a dull pain, and that's all it's been for a while, but I really hate this.

I get headaches like this at least once a month, sometimes more. Sometimes it hurts so much that it makes me feel like I'm going to throw up. ): I don't know what's wrong with my head... but seriously, it's bad. If I was scheduled to work today, I've have called in before I even attempted to drive in that condition (if I can't even sit up, how am I supposed to drive?)

but anyway. I'm gonna go now.
<3
S

(oh, I called the company selling the WKAP pre-order stuff, and they said that it was being delayed due to the Vinyl not being in yet. And the guy was super nice, got me my order number and everything. Of course, had I just check one of Amanda's latest blogs, I'd have know that :D )

afp eyebrows and true love

So, you know that feeling you get when for some reason you just feel good, no matter what happens, all because of how happy your boyfriend makes you? Like, even if you don't get to see them all the time and even if the two of you don't always get along, you feel -so- good and -so- sure about how your life is going to be with them that everything else doesn't matter.

Really. I don't like to set the future out in stone, regardless of how mush I'd like that future, but I'm so sure that things with him are going to work and it makes me -so- happy.

I can't wait to get back in the house with him and get things moving along with fixing it up and living and having our cute little puppy. (really, she's so damn cute! I wanna cuddle with her constantly)

Words can't express how good I feel right now, even with all the problems I've got going on and all the problems we're gonna have. I love him.

I got the greatest eyeliner ever today. It's by Prestige (took me 10 minutes to realize it was on the SIDE area in Walgreens, not along the never ending make-up wall) but with this eyeliner and some practice, I could be confident enough to shave off my eyebrows and draw them on. Brandon said they'd look cute. I'd never ever wax them though (at least not until I'm good at natural looking eyebrows) because they're less likely to grow back if you wax. I wonder when Amanda's eyebrows stopped growing back (I assume they don't anymore, because she never mentions it, and she's very detailed about little things in her life)





anyway. I'm happy. I'm fat, I have cramps, I'm lazy and have a spending problem, I also constantly have close call crashes every time I drive (always a combination of me not fully noticing that THEY'RE recklessly driving... seriously, today it was a guy going 25 over the speed limit when I was trying to merge into traffic. Had he been going the speed limit he would have been far enough back that it wouldn't have been a problem. )





anway. for realz now. I'm going to bed. <3
S

Twilight the Movie

I watched Twilight last night. Illegally of course. It was really fuzzy, but that wasn't why I couldn't get into the movie. First off, the clips I watched on youtube were 100% correct to my perceptions. I don't know if it was the story or the filming style, but it was just incredibly -awkward-... Like, something about it is just off and I can't put my finger on it.

Beyond that, I didn't end up finishing the movie. Not so much out of boredom, but because I only had 30 minutes left and the story was (honest to god) JUST starting to develop. I heard that rumor, but assumed it was just exaggerated. It wasn't. The only identifiable 'plot' before the vampire baseball scene (gay) was OMG I LIKE YOU, LIKE ME BACK! I JUST MET YOU AND YOU HAVE FREAKISH POWERS BUT I TRUUUUST YOU! (no seriously. He dives to save her from a car and dents the damn car, but omg, it doesn't matter cuz he's so gorgeous! :\ personally, I find Jasper to be better looking, but the fact that beyond the 3 main characters (Jacob, Bella and Edward) there were like, 15 other characters that took part in the story and were somewhat important. Meaning, way too many characters to keep track of.

lets see... what else. what else. It's very bland and flavorless. really. Bella is too generic to care about. She's very average, and yet there are guys falling all around her and -wanting- her including the OMG SO SEXY (but lyk, no1 in skool iz gud enuf 4 him. he duznt wunt nun of uz preti gurls wif personality) EDWAD CULENFUCK.







anyway. just thought I'd share that. It's not like I had anything better to do, or had any better expectaions of it. Just to let you know though, there's Flair out there... it looks innocent. . . but deep down, it's inside jokes to fucking Twilight. ): I want my ignorance back plz.

<3
S

So I found out that I don't have the right Graphics card, right? I don't understand that, because in every case of the error being the graphics card, there were problems with the graphics. I don't have ANY. It just freezes when I try to save. But whatever. Graphics cards are expensive, so fuck them. I'm just gonna save money and get a new laptop. maybe try to pawn mine off on my litter sister for a couple hundred dollars. About $800 will get me a new laptop from ebay. (no, I will not buy a laptop directly from the seller. It adds $200 or MORE to the price.)

Anyway. It sucks. very much. But my retainer cleaner came in today and my retainer now looks as clean as it did when I first got it :D I also got the bras I ordered on ebay. got 6 for $15. They're satin, come in a ton of colors (with cute embroidered hearts) and are insanely comfortable. I think I've gotten one new bra in the past year.. and until now have only had about one bra at any given time in life. so this is good. Also got the Jack Skellington decal that I got brandon for Christmas for his car. I hope he likes it. I don't know if the other things I bought will be in by Christmas ): And I'm broke. I mean, I get paid tomorrow, but I'm broke at the moment. I hate the feeling that if I found a crazy deal I couldn't get whatever it was.

........... I miss Brandon. If he were here, I wouldn't CARE that I couldn't play sims 2. and when we was at work, I would be at the library using the internet. Except I'm pretty sure I'm just going to pay for the ineternet. It'll only be on my laptop though, because I know Brandon will just use it for porn. :/

Funny enough, as I mention my sweet sweet baby, he calls me x3 I love that sweetie.

I have a gift card for Regal Cinemas for $25 that my uncle gave me last year. My uncle is bad ass. He always gives great gifts. Usually free rave movie tickets, along with movies, and this card for $25. TWENTY FIVE! so I'm going to the movies soon. their movies are only like, $8.50. That's like, almost 3 movies. sweeeeet.

anyway. now that Brandon's called and I've made future plans, I feel a LOT more upbeat. so I'll leave on a hight note.

Much <3
S

the Sims 2

So I finally broke down and got the Sims 2. The Double Deluxe edition. I was -so- excited to get home and put it on my laptop so that I could try it out. I get home and install it and spend like, 40 minutes trying to make my character look like me. Finally did, tried to save the character and it froze. Downloaded the Patch for it and went back. If froze. Altered the compatibility to XP service pack 2. It saved characters, but then I go to save the family and IT FROZE.

Jacob switched around the games settings. It froze. Downloaded some extra thing for the game and it froze. There's no way in hell my computer doesn't have the 'specs' for it. Jacob looked at the back of the game and said my laptop blew it out of the water on ALL of them AND vista at once.

It's not Vista. Other Vista users use it. It's not Dell, other Dell users can use it.

It SHOULDN'T be my graphics card. Why? because I have a 2 month old Dell Studio. The Studio itself is only a few month old model. 1/2 a year old at most. It was MADE for optimum video/sound projection. Not to mention the fact that I don't see why the graphics card would make it freeze whenever I try to save. :\ not the sound card either, considering when the game freezes the sound keeps going.


anyway. I'm very unhappy. -VERY- unhappy. My old computer doesn't even read the disk in the drive (not that it could handle more crap on it anyway)

so yeah... :\ unimpressed by Sims. They could do MUCH better with compatibility. I mean, it's not the -fault- of Vista (or the brand of laptop) but I'm not the only person having problems.

... well... Brandon's Wallet went missing. Plenty of bad luck to go around, right?
<3
S

In all the time that I've spent looking at houses in other states and dreaming about moving... I don't think I've ever actually considered it. I mean, I've wanted out of here for a while, but I don't think that deep down I actually thought it'd be happening. Cuz today, after talking to Brandon about it I came home and started looking and I just suddenly got so scared of the 'unknown' that I had to stop. I want to get the fuck out, but I'm terrified of going to a new city.

I was looking at Stats of cities, living costs, average family income and all that. I don't know if me and Brandon will be able to get by anywhere else. The average family in a decent town makes from 26,000 a year to 60,000 a year. Me and Brandon will only make about 12,000. That's with the jobs we have now, of course, but I'll probably be doing cheap retail jobs and so will he. So that may not get much better.


But we have at least 4 years before I have to give it a -real- second thought. We obviously can't move until he's out of jail. Then we'll have to wait until he's off probation, which will be another 2 years. the we have to make sure the house will sell for enough money that we won't have to take out a loan. I refuse to take out a loan.

You know what's really strange to me though. To me, the thought of moving feels really really weird and scary. The thought of being with Brandon in 5 years (and the years after that, living together after we move) doesn't seem weird or scary in any way. It seems quite normal, and actually comforts me to think that when we move he'll be there with me.

I'm still kinda cautious with my relationship though. I mean, I could honest to god settle down with this guy and live with him forever and (good god!) even start a family if he wanted. And he told me once, when it was late and we were watching movie together, that he was ready to settle down with me and get his life in order. He's been hurt by a lot of people in his life though, so I know it'll effect how long it takes for him to realize that I really do want to be with him forever. At this point in my last relationship I was already doubting that it would last. I'm still sure that me and Brandon could make it work. We're at 7 months today. :D

But deep down, I always have this fear that he'll leave me for someone else, or cheat on me. I know that the bullshit about him cheating on his other girlfriends is just that; bullshit. My brothers girlfriend and her sister BOTH know the girl he dated for 2 years, she said he abused her but never once told them that he cheated. I even asked Arika directly about it. She said that his ex never said he did. So the only sources thats ever said that he cheated was Mariah.

She said that they dated when she was in 8th grade and that she lost her virginity to him, but once was takling about how she had sex with Logan Zurcher in 7th grade when they dated. born again virin much? Her time frame of dating him also is 1/2 way set during the time he would have had to have been with his ex. who he was planning on marrying. *eyeroll*

Everything about what I just said is beside the point. Cuz I refuse to believe a word out of her mouth without photographic evidense (she once claimed that brandon was cheating on me on one of the nights that I stayed that night. She doesn't know I lived with him so probably thought I'd buy into her shit)


no no, this stems deeper than rumors. I'm very insecure. Hell, if I could ever have the thought that SPENCER would cheat on me cross my mind, then you know I'm just ridiculously paranoid. I am. I've mostly learned to control it and only give into my parinoia when it seems plausible and not just like a little thing tugging at the side of my mind. I've had him look me in the eye and say that he'd never do that to me, and I believe him just by the look in his eyes (like the thought of losing me would hurt. I'm pretty in-tuned to his emotions when I try)... but it doesn't stop me from being paranoid that in the future he won't feel the same and will eventually leave me...

but I hate thinking like that, cuz I love him too much and just thinking about us breaking up could make me cry (of course, I'm gonna be menstrating soon... that's probably why I'm having ridiculous emotions right now)











Anywway. I'm broke. I need new tires. Jacob thought he had some for me, but they were the wrong size... aaaaaand I get paid Tuesday so everything should be fine since I'm mainly getting money for christmas so paying my bills doesn't worry me.

I can't wait til I get my baby back from jail. )':

<3
S

To finish off what I said the other night about boobs, I found a site that said that 99% of results seen by breast pills are just the placebo effect. Unfortunately placebo's don't work on me. They did however say that the most overlooks form on noninvasive breast augmentation was through (get this!) HYPNOSIS! I could totally go for that. It probably won't be as cheap as the pills, but it's actually supposed to work. However, I don't think I'm the type who'd be able to get hypnotized. It's worth a shot in my opinion though. I mean, besides money there's nothing to lose, and quite frankly, money isn't THAT big of a deal, as long as it was saved up and we can still pay the bills. I think I'll be getting food stamps once I move out, because I don't have a full time job and don't live with my parents. Brandon may be able to get food stamps too, and together we'll buy enough food for the both of us :D (my brother told me that if he ever found out I was living off the government he'd kick me in the ass. Way I see it, I pay taxes for the schools but don't have kids, so shouldn't I get something in return?)


anyway. I got some new socks from sock dreams. I LOVE that site. The stuff they import isn't that great (well, it's good but really expensive) but I got another pair of O Basics, they're magenta. They're GORGEOUS! and I got this pair of Super Stripes... let's put it this way, if my thighs we thinner they'd be crotch high. they're AMAZING. black and white striped. They're mostly out of stock on things right now, but since I only like the sock dreams exclusive socks that means they should be back before too long.

I'm broke. and my tires need replaced. But my christmas shopping is mostly done. so all will be okay. I just want it to warm up already. I know it's not even really winter yet, but it's just too damn cold right now and I don't have a warm enough coat ):


Much Love <3
S

Boobs

I've been thinking about (not exactly in a literal way) getting implants. You know, fake boobs. Just thinking about how it's done and the consequences the woman faces and risk and all that.

I've never been so disappointed in the human race. For one, we as a whole assume that everything a person does to their body has to do with attracting someone of the opposite sex (or same, I guess, in the case of the gays :D) and has nothing to do with how the person feels about themselves. "Oh, don't get implants, you'll find someone who loves you for who you are" but they never stop to think that -maybe- the girl has someone who loves her the way she is, but the girl still doesn't love herself per se.

Then, regardless of -why- the girls does it, you have the judgmental people who say that girls with fake boobs are nothing but -fake- no matter what her personality, and she's a bad person for being so shallow. No -really- these people are so concerned that the girls boobs are fake that they seem go forget that the PERSON IS REAL. with real emotions and feelings who already had to make the decision of either being self conscious or fake the rest of her life.

Seriously, do people ever consider that some boob jobs aren't done for such shallow reasons? Hell, if they had to go through what I've had to go through with clothes shopping they'd reconsider their outlook on it. I can't wear dresses because they're all either baggy on my chest, or I can't get the zipper over my hips. I can't buy things off the internet unless they give measurements for the chest AND hips (they usually don't, btw) because the difference in size between the two is so large that I'd be taking the risk of it not fitting me at all.

Over my more emotional times I've gone clothes shopping and put tons of shirts back on the rack with tears in my eyes because nothing could fit me right, and the things that did generally made my hips look even bigger and my boobs look smaller. I'm only able to wear black t-shirts. Literally.




having overly large boobs is nothing to bitch about, and I mean that. It's so easy to take in the sides of a shirt or even a dress. They also make plenty of specialty clothes for large breast. They do no such thing for us less well-endowed girls. Better yet, if you have big boobs and have tissue removed and guess what, THEY'RE STILL REAL/NATURAL/SQUISHY. And no one will give you shit for it or call you shallow because of it. You can get your droopy saggy boobs perked up during the removal of the tissue and still not be shallow because it was for 'health' reasons (oh, my back, bitch bitch. A good bra and healthy diet/body will mostly prevent that. Not always... but with the girls I know)



apparently good fake boobs run at about $4,000-$10,000 dollars, and need replaced about every 10 years. I'd assume about $7,000 for decent implants (I assume 10,000 is for the really high dollar guy that does jobs for semi-celebs, and 4,000 is for the cheap guy)


I could always spend all my money on different pills and shit in hopes of getting a B cup at most (I want C's, I believe that's what would be proportionate to my hips) but Idk. . .








Bottom line is, people need to stop being judgmental ass hats, because a lot of girls who get breast implants aren't shallow bitchy drama queens. Just the ones that are televised a lot (and they're attention hungry to begin with)

<3
S