February 28, 2011

always

Twice now this has happened in the last few days. I’m going threw photo albums on Facebook (mine, brit’s and michelle’s) and I’m hit with 1) nostalgia and 2) missing my friends so fucking badly that it hurts and 3) realizing that I haven’t made more friends and probably won’t for while, until the universe decides to throw me and another person together again. Maybe I’ll get thrown into a group of friends so that if one of them moves away, or if I lack the schedule to see them I’ll still have other people?

This is the life of the perpetually lonely. Something I both completely love and hate.

XoXo,
S

Scheduled

Getting 18 hours at for my first week of the new store. That’s more than I got in my last month of the old store. That’s my middle finger to them. Getting treated better already. Getting 6 hour shifts instead of 3. HA.

Now, to not be ridiculously quiet and shy and to actually show that I don’t completely suck ass.

XoXo,
S

7

double boxing

I’m watching “The Kids Are All Right” on my laptop on campus while blogging/facebooking/whatever because I have Windows 7 and can double box my window.

Watching the movie for my gender and sexuality and pop culture class. Have to write a paper on it that’s due tomorrow, and unfortunately I wasn’t at school the day that we watched it.

Gotta call my new store to get some hours this week. Then finally get a paycheck over $100 again.

XoXo,
S

February 25, 2011

You touch PP, now it’s personal

I think in a lot of (not all) cases, pro-life simply comes down to people thinking you shouldn’t be having sex. They choose that path because of religion telling them that they’ll be evil sinners if they fancy themselves a nice good love-makin’ and in a sick way seem to feel that getting pregnant after that evil act is their punishment for not being married first. Then see women out having a nice healthy sex life (yes, women specifically, they don’t generally seem to slut-shame men) and not having the terrible repercussions they were told that they’d have all because of the lovely devices called Condoms, Birth Control, and (less likely, despite what they seem to think) abortions.

“HOW DARE THEY,” they declare, because being punished for their sins is what GOD WANTS BECAUSE THE CHURCH SAID SO. And then they take it upon themselves to make sure that life becomes harder for the women by trying to abolish abortion and cheer at the possible end to government funding to places like Planned Parenthood because they allow you to get inexpensive birth control and free condoms (who cares that they also help you keep healthy with STD and cancer screenings, let’s forget about that little fact because it goes against  the crusade against an act deemed evil by the church.)

Thankfully I know quite a few sane pro-life people as well, who are more than happy for people to have birth control if they choose to get busy, but sadly it’s the ones I’m talking about in the post that make life so much harder on those not financially well off. If you’re going to be against government health care, you can at least allow the poor people to be able to find inexpensive medical help so that the not-so-well-off don’t become the homeless and the dead for not being able to pay hefty doctor bills.

Didn’t god also say something about loving your neighbor as yourself? Or helping others even though they’re sinners? I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure my 10 years of Christian schooling and forced sunday schooling said so.

Here’s a middle finger for the government for even CONSIDERING cutting PP funding. We pay more money towards our military than any other country in the world COMBINED (at least any other high power in the world combined, I know that much for a fact.) but NO lets not cut military budget a little and stop all this war nonsense, lets cut funding that greatly benefits the poor. Fuck you guys.

Maybe the rest of the world wouldn’t see us as an evil threat if we didn’t have such extensive military funding? And maybe if we cared more about our people than what’s going on in other parts of the world the other parts of the world wouldn’t be trying to hurt us? Maybe. I’d say anything that brought less war and more HELP FOR OUR PEOPLE is great. Who cares about the people when we could be sending them overseas to die, while their families sit at home and also die because they couldn’t afford to treat their medical conditions because our funding went to the military.

I didn’t mean to end up in a rant, but I guess this is bothering me more than I thought? I just wanted to shed light on the fact that in order to lessen government spending they’re strongly considering ending their funding to Planned Parenthood instead of cutting their excessive funding to the military.

I know freedom isn’t free, but doesn’t putting war above the citizens make us seem like a cold and cruel country? I’d say it’s pretty dehumanizing to ourselves, and it’s always easier to kill something when you dehumanize it.

Whatever.

XoXo,
S

February 24, 2011

:) I’m horrible

I just had the thought of “I really need to lose weight and get skinny” and immediately after thought “I need a Mr. Pibb”

I’m a terrible dieter!

XoXo,
S

 

(yes, very frequent posting, because I have Windows Live Writer now, so I can type and edit stuff on Windows before I post it so I feel like I have more control over the format.

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LOOK it’s Rick Steves signing my book! Open-mouthed smile)

Irony?

okay, no it’s not irony, but I’m fighting with my boyfriend to let me go to WWE’s Smackdown event this Saturday even though he has a student/faculty mixer thing for school. I said I’d even go alone if I had to. I REALLY want to go.

But, he wants me with him at the mixer and he can’t get out of it.

Now, I find out that the first Saturday that we’ll be in Albuquerque N.M. over spring break THERE WILL BE A SMACKDOWN LIVE EVENT. RIGHT THERE. Smile I’m trying to convince him on that one. Wish me luck.

XoXo,
S

I just wanted to go see Smackdown on Saturday. Too much to ask for? I guess so.

XoXo,
S

February 22, 2011

inverview

I'm TIRED. I'm stressed out. I have an interview today. I don't think it's really an interview interview, but I have to sit down with the manager of my new store and talk about why me and my previous boss don't get along. I still don't know quite how to put it in words besides saying that he's an unreasonable ass-hole that will look too far into everything you say and do and then take it very personally. (Like, you know, cutting my hours from 24+ a week to 3 because I asked to transfer to a store that would be more convenient for me to work at.) So my stomach is turning, add on top of that the fact that I didn't sleep well and then had to wake up at 6 thing morning for some fucking reason that didn't involve me at all.

I have errands to run, things to worry about. I can't deal with stress and tiredness at the same time when it seems to be an everyday occurrence. I'm running on empty, dammit.

XoXo,
S

February 18, 2011

I'm not sick, but I'm not well.

February 17, 2011

True Story

Eight of Swords ReversedThursday, February 17
Eight of Swords Reversed
A feeling that someone has captured you and you cannot get free. Someone is holding something over your head and you can't see the way out. Powerlessness. Waiting for someone to rescue you from a situation. Desiring to play the role of the victim instead of taking responsibility for yourself. Trapped. Too many obstacles in the way, you have decided to do nothing. Lack of direction.

hit and run.

I'm soul searching for my inner feminist. I know she's in there, but I think she's tired and frustrated with lack of progress.

We may have discovered the vehicle that hit my car in the driveway (ALWAYS while I'm parked, and they ALWAYS drive off) but I haven't heard any follow-up on that one. I'm so pissed off about it STILL. It's a fucking Neon, it's sell back value with the paint in the condition it's in is bad enough. Add a pretty shitty oil leak to that, and I don't have a valuable car. Now I have a shattered taillight and ANOTHER scratch and decent sized dent. I'd be lucky if I could scrap the fucker and actually get cash out of it. Yeah, it DRIVES but who the hell wants a car that looks like that? (and now I feel guilty, because my sweet little Neon has gotten me through so much and been with me for so long. I love you Neon.)

X0X0,
S

February 15, 2011

blah blah

I'm tired, and WoW won't be up today because it's Tuesday and they don't want to do their server updates at night. I can understand this, because it'd be inconvenient to the workers, but staying late one night a week wouldn't kill them and then I'd have WoW while I sit here alone and tired in the lounge trying not to fall asleep (and in DIRE need of working on some stuff with one of my characters.)

I got two plants yesterday. Both baby rose bushes. They're so cute, and I've always wanted rose bushes. :) I need to study for my math quiz today, but I'm tired and feel sick and blah blah blah. Excuses excuses.

I got a free cookie at Subway yesterday. Maybe it was a Valentine's day thing? Idk, but now I have extra cookies. Reminds me of when I was in high school and they had fresh cookies every day...

XoXo,
S

February 11, 2011

Stress and Happiness

Problem after problem. So much stress. I think quite a few people need to take up my philosophy of "just be happy" because it seems like even when people fix one problems that's stressing them out, they find another one to bother them immediately afterwards. Bad things don't have to equal out to unhappiness. Crazy as that may sound. if I didn't have someone on my case about every little negative aspect of my life I'd be in a much better mood more often. Not because I don't care about the problems or because I won't take care of them, but because I know that 1) stressing will make every little problem seem 10x's worse which causes MORE stress. Rinse, repeat. 2) No matter how bad the problem is, if it doesn't hinder my ability to function it's not as bad as it seems. 3) Letting myself forget about the problem gives my brain the rest is needs to actually handle the situation without hurting anyone, causing other people MORE problems, without exploding and therefor seeming over emotional, and definitely taking the best route possible because I've been able to think about multiple options.

Stop making me stress when I don't need to. Bad things will always happen, and they'll happen to everyone no matter how much they try to be good people or live good lives. Accept it. Deal with it. and Move on.

When my life goal became achieving genuine happiness, nothing immediately clicked to make me feel better and I always seemed to have something to upset me going on, but I also started to appreciate what few things were going well for me. Mood=improved.

XoXo,
S

February 10, 2011

Math Dyslexia

I'm not going to try to be one of those self-diagnosed ass-holes who use disabilities that they have never been proven to have as an excuse to why they're bad at something, but http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dyscalculia#Symptoms sounds like me to such a fucking T. I'll copy paste and bold every one that applies

  • Frequent difficulties with arithmetic, confusing the signs: +, , ÷ and ×.
  • Difficulty with everyday tasks like checking change and reading analog clocks.
  • Inability to comprehend financial planning or budgeting, sometimes even at a basic level; for example, estimating the cost of the items in a shopping basket or balancing a checkbook.
  • Difficulty with multiplication-tables, and subtraction-tables, addition tables, division tables, mental arithmetic, etc. (I struggled so badly with mental math in grade school that i usually had the lowest grade in timed mental math tests)
  • May do fairly well in subjects such as science and geometry, which require logic rather than formulae, until a higher level requiring calculations is obtained.
  • Many of those who suffer from dyscalculia may have parents who perform well to excellent in Mathematics-related fields (such as architects, engineers, or math teachers), though this connection has yet to be genetically linked.(not parents, persay. my little sister is amazing at math)
  • Difficulty with conceptualizing time and judging the passing of time. May be chronically late or early.
  • Particularly problems with differentiating between left and right. (THIS SO BADLY)
  • Might do exceptionally well in a writing related field- many authors and journalists have this disorder
  • Difficulty navigating or mentally "turning" the map to face the current direction rather than the common North=Top usage.
  • Having particular difficulty mentally estimating the measurement of an object or distance (e.g., whether something is 10 or 20 feet (3 or 6 metres) away).
  • Often unable to grasp and remember mathematical concepts, rules, formulae, and sequences. (what I'm struggling with right now in algebra)
  • An inability to read a sequence of numbers, or transposing them when repeated, such as turning 56 into 65.
  • Difficulty keeping score during games.
  • Difficulty with games such as poker with more flexible rules for scoring.
  • Difficulty in activities requiring sequential processing, from the physical (such as dance steps or sports) to the abstract (signaling things in the right order). May have trouble even with a calculator due to difficulties in the process of feeding in variables.
  • The condition may lead in extreme cases to a phobia or durable anxiety of mathematics and mathematic-numeric devices/coherences. (I almost flipped out before my algebra class several times)
  • Inability to concentrate on mentally intensive tasks.
  • Low latent inhibition, i.e., over-sensitivity to noise, smell, light and the inability to tune out, filtering unwanted information or impressions. Might have a well-developed sense of imagination due to this (possibly as cognitive compensation to mathematical-numeric deficits).
  • Mistaken recollection of names. Poor name/face retrieval. May substitute names beginning with same letter. (This so fucking badly. I need things that really stand out about people to even recognize them until I've known them for a while.)

February 09, 2011

algebra 9 hours later

I've literally been working on my algebra homework for 9 hours today. I'm tired and my brain hurts and I'm frustrated because a lot of it still isn't clicking for me. Some it if is starting to though. Then I just need to repeat this studying crap tomorrow, and then again on Monday and Tuesday and I should be in good shape for the quiz.

College is starting to make my personal life shitty. I'm not a pleasant person when I'm stressed, and I've been stressing over Algebra for a while now. I probably should have dropped and done the math class bellow this, but I hate quitting. I'm surprised I'm trying so hard though. In high school, I'd have given up after 45 minutes. I'd never admit it to Michael, but he really is making me want to work harder in life to get what I want. He's frustrated with me right now, but I love him for everything he's helping me to do.

XoXo,
s

work and school

Last night, I ran into a girl who used to work at my Wendy's, who now is the Co-Manager (I think, possible assistant) of the one I'm trying to get a job at. I told her the trouble I'm having trying to get my transfer in, and how I couldn't even talk to our area supervisor because my hours had been cut back so much that I never have a chance. She's said she's going to do what she can to help me out. Michael wants me out of Wendy's altogether, but I think stable hours NOW will alleviate some of the stress we have. I can't work for the college until I'm full time, and I can't be full time until the fall semester. He wants me to go to school over the summer, but I really don't want to and really can't afford it right now. I don't think you get grants for summer schooling.

Schools wifi doesn't let me get on WoW for some reason and it's really frustrating. I pay so much damn money to this place and they still treat us like high school kids. This is where we're supposed to get to make our own choices (good or bad) and they try to restrict it. I don't even actually have class today. I'm just here.

XoXo,
S

February 08, 2011

Allergy?

My eye is puffy, bloodshot, and I couldn't open it this morning because there was "sleep" in it. You know, the kinda thick liquid you get in your eye that gathers at the tip of it and you rub it out in the morning? I had a SHIT LOAD of that, I had to pick it out of my eyelashes. My throats been hurting for a week now, and I've been coughing like crazy... Only when I'm in Michael's room. Where we recently got a peace lily. I think I'm allergic, but Michael doesn't think so. But I don't have a fever, so obviously I'm not getting a cold like I thought. I've also never gotten a cold that effected my eye. Unless I have an eye infection. That would suck.

XoXo,
S

February 04, 2011

Amanda Palmer Goes Down Under

I'm listening to it. I am. I'm halfway through it.

I LOVE IT.

XoXo,
S

Vault

I'm stressed, and tired, and getting sick and being in love and being sick of love.

School got rid of the Vault in the vending machines and replaced it with Mellow Yellow. I remember when work replaced the Mellow Yellow with Vault way back in my first year or so. Most online sources say it's still being made, but I only find it in restaurants like Wendy's and occasionally Subway and Taco Bell.

I'm a sad panda. It's time for some ukulelehead to make me feel better.

XoXo,
S

February 03, 2011

APGDU

I... Did it again. I tried to listen to Amanda Palmer Goes Down Under. I clicked the first track, listened to the intro... and was like, "fuck no I can't do this yet."

So I quickly clicked on Fake Plastic Trees from Ukulelehead, because I love Radiohead, I love Amanda Palmer, and I love the Ukulele. Safety.

How long will this sit on my computer before I get up the courage to listen?

XoXo,
S

(ukulelehead is lovely, by the way. I'm in LOVE.)

gossip and fashion

2 more math problems and I'm 1/3 the way done, meaning done for the day. Then to write more of my paper dissecting Anita Blake through a feminist lens.

I'm starting to notice a lot of gossip going on around me. I think this is why I prefer to not socialize. I'd rather say nothing than contribute to a conversation about someone else, when they have no effect on me. Sure, a lot of people annoy me, but it's pretty easy to block people out and ignore them. All you have to do is not socialize with them to begin with. When people are only okay in certain situations (like outside of work, or when you're in class) and you often see them in others as well... then don't socialize with them in either. I hate hearing, "oh, they're fine when we're just hanging out, but when we're _____ they're sooo annoying." It seems really two-faced to me. Or, refrain for talking about them in a bad light if you're choosing to have them in your life at all.

Too much negativity.

I got some clothes from Aeropastle. Their little cami/tank top/undershirt THINGS are very nice. They're soft and sturdy and long and there's a million colors and patterns to choose from. However, I'm less than impressed with their shirts. I'm not a logo-girl. Even when I was hardcore into Tripp and Hot Topic gear I would have died before I had either logo sprawled across my chest. The only non-logo shirts they seemed to have there were ridiculously thin, to the point where you had to buy one of the tank tops to wear underneath it just to maintain decency in public (unless your into that bra-showing-through-your-shirt look. Who am I to judge?) You essentially need to spend $48 just for a your top unless you get a bitchin' sale (which I did) and even then I spent $20 for the combination. Less Logo-T's please.

Also, I still don't wear white. It looks terrible with my skin, and makes me look about 20lbs heavier and is generally see through. Why does white exist outside of weddings and accents to other colors?

X0X0,
S