Thick Minds

I thought I was making it really clear through my facebook statuses that I was LOVING The Hunger Games. I haven't read in AGES and I finished the book in maybe two weeks while only reading it on my breaks at work for the first half of the novel. I finished the last half in a day.

I talked about how EXCITED I was to see the movie this Friday.

I even said I was planning on buying myself a set of hardback copies to put on my bookshelf next to my harry potter books (which normally have a shelf to themselves for how much I love them).

If that doesn't properly describe how into these books I am I don't know how else to explain it.

So why bother telling me that you hated the movie and that you thought it was a "snooze fest" while also telling me you never touched the books and didn't want to go see it? If you had no expectations, didn't bother with the books and didn't like it, then OBVIOUSLY your opinion of it will be different than someone who is the opposite in every aspect?

Also, why so much bitchy? You don't bitch out someone from a company over a misunderstanding. It's childish. The way MOST people handle those situations is ridiculous. If someone talked to me like that outside of work they'd lose teeth over how hard I punched their face. You treat humans like humans no  matter what the situation (unless they are actively and purposefully trying to lessen your life. Not hitting the senior discount button, sending you the wrong package or not smiling enough during your transaction in no way lessens your life. Actively and purposefully trying to lower your self esteem is lessening your life.

ANYWAY. Being an opinionated person isn't bad, but not knowing when it is and isn't appropriate to give someone your opinion is always trait you should work towards getting.

XoXo,
S

Hunger Games and the Love Story (spoilers) and the Lies the fans told me

I feel kinda of lied to by hunger games fans.

They said the love story was too played up in the movie, and that it wasn't a big part of the story in the book. I just read the book. The love story is a huge part of it. Maybe not in a truthful way, but they make a point to play up the love story, even if it's only for show. Even if Katniss isn't crazy in love with Peeta and just wants to be able to live without having to kill him... How can a movie play that up more? It's VITAL to the story. They wouldn't have both gotten to live if they hadn't played up the love story. They would have died in the capital if Katniss hadn't pretended to be madly (no, INSANELY) in love with Peeta.

Their suicide/middle finger to the Capital would have meant a tragic accident towards her if they hadn't been believable.

How can a movie play up the love story more? By making it clear that Katniss had some confusion towards he actual feelings towards Peeta and Gale? I doubt they'd actually have her fall in love with him because there are two other books that I assume follow her as the character (and that assumption may be my flaw in thinking, but I want to go into them clueless so the adventure is a mystery) so how would they pull of the next two movies without raping the books if they didn't have it end with them not being together and her admitting that she was just trying to survive by appealing to the crowd..

Maybe I shouldn't feel so lied to. But I read these complaints before reading the books. I kept reading and thinking the it was going to change and move in a different direction until I was a little over halfway through. I kept thinking the "love story" was about to end and it didn't.

I'm excited about going to see the movie though. I loved the book so much. And the next one is waiting for me at my dad's :o

xoxo,
s

passiveness

For the 2nd night in a row it's 3am and I'm not tired.

I've been wondering lately, about how and when I became so passive. Things that actually bother me... Don't bother me. If that makes sense. I just have a really hard time reacting to anything I hear about unless I'm confronting it personally (and only then for a short amount of time.

I'm just sitting here like "yeah.. that's retarded" but I have no passion for anything like that.

I've been taking an emotion balancing vitamin called St. John's Wort. Only been taking it for a bit now, and it's crazy that I have to take a vitamin 3 times a day but it's supposed to be great at helping people deal with moderate depression and anxiety. I was flipping out a few days ago and I thought "how long am I honestly going to let myself do this to the people I love?" I really can't help it when it's anxiety. When it's depression I'm not moody and I can usually act happy and just fee sad. When it's anxiety it takes my whole life, spits in its face and calls it a slut. My heart beats too fast, I have trouble breathing, I'm on the brink of crying for HOURS (sometimes DAYS ) and I can't calm myself down. I'm a wreck and I can't seem to control snapping at the people I love.

Then we were getting some melatonin for Jon so he could sleep and I found the emotional balance medicine nearby.

I'm not saying that's what's caused my painful passiveness. It's not. I've been like this just about any time I'm not in an anxiety-filled fit. What I wonder is, how long will I take this before i decided that I'd rather be freaking out constantly than not depressed, because I already have such little drive and passion. Maybe I'm over-exaggerating. Yeah, I am. I actually can't think of a reason to not take these. If I need to find passion, I'll find another way.

Maybe it's a sign of me growing up more? I can't get pissed off over things that aren't hurting me because I know I need to focus on my own life and getting myself in order before I take care of the needs of others?

I don't know. And I think it's time to force myself to sleep. I have lots to do on my day off tomorrow.

XoXo,
S

El Phono

I had a great idea for a post while I was working and I told myself it was too awesome to forget so I didn't write it down. Yeah, I forgot.

I finally got my new phone. It cost me lots and lots of money (about $200 before the mail in rebate of $50). It's not a smart phone. It doesn't have games that I can play. It doesn't connect to the internet. It's a phone, a messaging device, and a camera. I think it also has basic stuff like an alarm and a notepad and a calendar that you can put stuff on, but hell if I know. It's basic. I LOVE it. I want to text EVERYONE because I'm not tied to facebook through my phone anymore. When I'm bored I don't get on facebook, I text someone. Hopefully it's a lot cheaper because I'm on the plan all by myself now. Unlimited text, 450 call minutes a month. That's all I freaking need. I may not even need unlimited text but who knows, maybe this will the be start of super talker me.

I'm glad I finally did it. And if I keep my old smartphone charged I can still connect to wifi with it, and I think i still have blue tooth, which means I can put my pictures from my new phone onto my old one and then mount it as a USB (I'm not sure how to get the pictures onto my laptop since it doesn't have blue tooth like my last one did).

anyway, jon made me a cute snack so I'm going to eats it now.

XoXo,
S

good and bad

I've been having crazy health problems lately but I still haven't payed for my medical bills from going to the hospital for my dog bite, so I can't really afford to go get myself checked out. My friend just found out she had a minor wheat allergy and that's part of the reason she always felt sick after eating. Lets not talk about that though.

I've realized that no matter how hard I try I still feel relatively depressed and upset and just plain shitty. Even with how much more positive I've become I still feel helpless and upset and stuck.

I AM stuck though. It really hit me the other day, that I've been working so damn hard for so long, and I still have nothing to show for it. I still can't have anything nice. I still don't have free money and I'm still struggling every day to get to a point where I can stop struggling.

My GPA is 3.25 right now, which is pretty good. I think I'm going to enroll in St. Francis after I check up on the cost. If everything in GM pans out (which no, it still hasn't :\) I can at LEAST save up a lot of money after I pay my debts off. I figure if a semester at a normal college is up to $500/credit hour (varying, IPFW is much cheaper) I'll have to save at least $30k before I take school seriously again. I want half of it saved before I start again. I'll still ride my financial aid train, but I'll have something to fall back on when and I'll be able to pay it off when I get there.


On a more cheerful note, I'm wearing all tie dye today besides my bra. Even my underwear. You may ask "how much tie dye is too much" and I'll tell you, "NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH TIE DYE." My shorts match my shirt though, since I dyed them both using the same batch and same color schemes. And I'm not wearing socks or anything with my flip flops.

And I saw shit loads of rainbows today and that always makes my day. Gatorade rainbows, kids bubble solution rainbows, crayon rainbows, chalk rainbows, everything. I love color so damn much. And I went to K-Mart for the first time in a LONG time and saw all sorts of things that I don't find at wal-mart, like the Polaroid Pogo (which I want so bad) and shoes that I actually like, and ponies/unicorns

And my big bro bought my old Dell from me. He's going to fix it up and keep it from himself. It's not money in my pocket though, it goes to pay the doctor bill I just got that was about $25 less than what he's paying me for the computer. So yeah, $125 to the doctor and $25 to my phone bill.

So Yeah, talking about all this positive stuff is cheering me up a little if nothing else. Life is still a struggle, but it's all perspective.

XoXo,
S

I E-exist

Remember that one time I validated that I do actually exist based on a stranger recognizing me/my tattoos?

I exist on the internet. A forum I've frequented fairly often in the last 6 years or so, one that I don't really post a lot but I lurk enough to recognize the regulars and have a general idea of everyone's personality... Well, someone remembered me. And noticed that I hadn't been posting lately. My internet existence, though minimal, is real. A stranger whom I've never met to some degree has noticed my existence, therefor validating it.

I feel pretty good.

Plus I have sleepy time vanilla tea and it's so damn tasty.

XoXo,
S

a slipping depression and a lack of company

I keep writing blogs and not posting them. Some because they aren't finished, others because they're about touchy topics (to some people) and I'm not a person who likes to start things like that anymore. Fuck all this growing up.

I've been watching Jon's Sister's house since Friday. I took him to a funeral in Ohio but I had to head back to good old Indiana for work. He was going to come with me, but decided to stay another night because his sister was in Ohio somewhere too and could pick him up on her way back. This way he could see some old friends. He told me it'd be one night, so I was okay.

I let the dogs out, I fed the dogs. I enjoyed a nice CLEAN shower/bathroom with nice shampoos and conditioners and towels that hadn't been used yet, and slept in a big comfy bed in a room that wasn't as hot as it was outside. But I've been really bored, and I've feel weird and REALLY lonely sleeping here by myself because I've never been here without Jon. We've never spent more than one night apart, and we rarely even do that.

I asked him to call.

Now it's Sunday and I'm still sitting here alone feeling bored and lonely. I still haven't gotten a phone call. I barely got texted.  Last night when I was trying to text goodnight, I get a lovely indecipherable message. Apparently he decided to get completely wasted. To the point where someone was needing to take care of him to keep him from being stupid or puking everywhere.

Besides the fact that it's obviously STUPID to get that drunk, he's out of state and on probation getting drunk. After spending our entire relationship being cautious about how much alcohol I'm allowed to consume because he doesn't want me getting drunk. And all the times He's told me he doesn't like alcohol and thinks getting drunk is dumb. And how he told his friend that getting really drunk while trying to deal with the death of a really close friend is bad idea.

I'm gone for TWO DAYS and he can't even take care of himself and make responsible choices, and I get to sit here feeling like shit because there's nothing to do here but watch tv and play on the internet. That's not as fun as it was when I was in high school. I logged into gaia in hopes of finding something to take my mind off of this shit. It'd be different if I were at my own home, with all of my books and yarn and and endless amount of things to do/that need done. Or if I were at his place downtown where I could just go on a really long walk to all of my favorite places in the city. But I'm here, at his sister's in a rich subdivision with no one to keep me company but a bunch of dogs who stay in their cage in the basement when they aren't running outside. I don't even like dogs.

I'm really pissed and really upset right now. I don't know if I want to ignore him or yell at him, because one or the other is inevitable. I'm not even going to try to talk to him until he's home because having him here in person makes it harder for me to act petty and shitty and I'll be less likely to say things I regret. And then I'll get over it and move on because this is probably the only time so far that I've been genuinely mad at him.

But I needed to get that out. Because I'm upset and there's no one here to talk to, and nothing that can really distract me from it.

XoXo,
S

Self Medication

I've been thinking of things I do. Or don't do, I guess. Things that cause inconvenience in my life because I try to hold off.

Like migraines. I never want to take my medicine when I get the first hit. I know what's coming. I can feel it all through my body but I don't want to take my pills. Why? In general I'm reluctant to take them. Cramps and migraines are the only pains that break me down enough to do so unless a doctor makes me (and how often do I go see a doctor?) Mostly I just don't like to self medicate. If it were birth control, or some form of medicine that I take regularly to keep my body on track I'd have no problem with popping the pills. But when it's as needed, I have trouble with telling myself I NEED them when I actually do.

I also say "maybe if I wait a little longer the pain will go away on it's own." Every time. Despite the fact that it NEVER does. It ALWAYS get progressively worse. Sure, it worsens at different rates, but it gets worse none the less. Now, I suppose if I were taking them to relieve some sort of bodily pain it wouldn't matter when I took it, but with cramps and migraines once the pain has reach the point of distracting you (even if it's not so debilitating yet) it's probably too late for the medicine to work. I've never had medicine for cramps work if I took them AFTER they get bad. When I talk myself into taking them when I know I'm going to have my period I'm usually okay. Never cramp-free, but not vomiting.

So why don't I just do that? Do I honestly think that I'm going to avoid cramps when I'm on my period? Even on my BETTER ones I still had them. And if it'd going to rain heavily I'm going to have a migraine. If I wake up and feel any sort of sinus swelling I'm going to have a migraine. Why can't I just take the damn pills?

And, from now on, I'm going to remember all of this and hopefully do the right thing. I'm tired of these aches and pains. There are people suffering from much worse problems who would LOVE to have a cheap otc medicine to make their pains go away, so I should take advantage of it.

XoXo,
S