I'm ready to talk about this. Sorry it's a pseudo twilight rant. It makes it easier.
I've been listening to Muse songs. Neutron Star Collision is one of my favorite love songs. I came across it on the Twilight soundtrack. The fact that twilight fans associate such sweet sentiments with whatever the hell you'd call Edward and Bella's relationship brings up all sorts of bad feelings.
It's not romantic to be controlled. It's not romantic to have someone obsess over you. It can be written that way, I guess, but unless you lack as much personality as Bella you won't be able to develop as an adult in that situation. Bella may be a blank canvas for self-insertion, but without a dull directionless life that you're willing to throw away at the drop of a hat (jumping off a cliff for the danger rush in hopes of hallucinating you're ex lover even though you may die in the process, for instance) that kind of relationship can't work.
It's NOT healthy. It's belittling. It leaves you feeling like less of a person. It makes you feel helpless and alone even though you're with someone who is theoretically supposed to make you feel happy. The forced isolation from your other male friends is just another way to (unintentionally) be made to feel like you're thoughts, choices and opinions aren't important. Not only are they not important they just aren't "good for you." The mask of protecting you is just a bunch of bullshit. It's not protection when there's not actually danger to your life. It shows insecurity, and need.
Being in those situations is scary. Having someone say they'd rather kill themselves (or let themselves die) if you aren't with them is terrifying. You feel like a guilty, dirty, disgusting human being. It forces you to stay in a relationship you've long wanted to leave because the only thing you want anymore is to feel like a real person again but you're too afraid to have the blood of another person on your hands. You lose sleep. You're grades drop. You lack the desire to do anything that you used to. Partially because you've sunken into a depression and partially because the person you're with will just complain that you're attention isn't directed towards them during all waking hours.
Yeah, you've lost the desire to live and exist so you just sit there like a big empty shell and watch life slowly pass you by, secretly wishing that someday you finally have the courage to jump out of the car while it's flying down the highway... That way if you don't die you'll be in the hospital in intensive care, and you'll finally have someone who can tell you that they'll see to it that he can't come into the room, and you'll finally be near someone to tell all of the things you've been going through so you don't feel so fucking alone. You just want to look in the eyes of a stranger at the gas station and beg them to help you. But the fear runs your life.
I was too afraid to unbuckle the seat belt and open the door. Too afraid to tell someone what was going on and too afraid to leave all the way until I finally did. Even now I'm afraid, honestly. The constant reminder that someone wants to force themselves into death because I'm not with them is more than I can handle. I find myself falling harder into depression more often despite the fact that I've finally freed myself. I may not be with him anymore, but he still has that much control over my life because he won't leave me alone. I spend therapy touching on my childhood when all I really want to do is cry and beg the therapist to help me block his number and get a restraining order, and to give me antidepressants so I can not feel all the guilt anymore.
My life has been so twisted that I feel guilty for not taking the abuse. I feel like a bad person because I wasn't willing to give myself up and to suffer for someone else who thinks they love me. Why do I deserve the love of someone else now when I wasn't willing to give it? I'm just a torn-up embodiment of what a person used to be. Damaged doesn't even begin to cover how I feel about myself. Life just exhausts me.
The only difference between me now and me 3 months ago is that I can finally say I don't want to die. But I'm still not free. I won't be free until my ex fucking dies or moves on, and he's really determined not to move on. It's hard to live with myself knowing that a part of me genuinely wishes someone would die so I can finally be free again. I can't feel right knowing someone out there is cutting themselves because I'm trying to be selfish and live for myself. Writing all of this puts knots in my stomach from all the anxiety that I've been holding back. I look like I've aged 5 years in 1; just from the stress and anxiety I've gone through.
I'm afraid to look at Jon as the person who helped save me. What if by some horrible twist of fate things didn't work. What if he realizes he just wanted to help me, and when I'm finally better he finds another broken girl to try to fix? What if he gets too frustrated will all the baggage I'm carrying with me? What if I start to become the controlling embodiment of Michael and put him through everything I've gone through? I couldn't live with myself knowing I've destroyed someone like that. What if he realizes I just don't have a personality and leaves me to find someone who does? Or if the depression gets worse? If he's the one who saved me then what would I do if he left and I wasn't ready to stand on my own yet? I feel like everything in my life is a house of cards and everyone around me is breathing extra heavy in hopes of bringing the whole thing down.
So no. Obsessive controlling people aren't sweet or romantic. If you have a will, a personality, or a goal in your life besides being a shell next to your significant other, it won't end up like twilight. If you find the wrong type of obsessive controlling person, instead of threatening their own life, it could be yours.
Fuck.
XoXo,
S
February 26, 2012
February 18, 2012
rambles
Am I the only person who played with Barbies that doesn't want to be one? I mean, I like pink and glamour and I'd love to have a nicer body... But I don't want to be Barbie. I don't want HER body. I want a thinner version of MY body. Big hips, small waist, small chest. Teh bewbs only bother me because I'm so chunky that having A cups is inconvenient to find clothing for. Thin the rest of me down to my high school weight and I'd still be having trouble, but not as much, and more clothes would fit more closely to my size.
anyway. I want an instant camera. Badly. And I want to get my hair trimmed to get rid of all the dead. I need to find some time to do that. Fuck, I should be doing homework right now and I'm not cuz I'm wasting my time online looking at Barbies and cameras and holding my tongue on an argument over people's rights relating to health care and the company providing it (because, I don't care if a church is providing the health care, they should provide contraceptives if the people want them. Fuck it, I just spoke my peace anyway).
I feel weird and sick and dizzy and my heart is beating awkwardly (at least it FEELS that way). I had a migraine starting earlier but I took an Excedrin with some Code Red and chilled until it went away. I can't organize my thoughts right now though, but I feel like talking, you know? I want to MAKE something. Draw. I don't know. Fucking anything. I had a dream that I got a tattoo on my other shoulder blade It was a girls facial profile looking towards the center of my back. It was pretty cool. Then in W233 I drew it out a bit, and had it so that her hair was aquas and greens and flowed onto my arm making a quarter sleeve oceaneque design with star fish and bubble and stuff. It sounds a lot prettier than what I actually drew, mind you.
My hair color is all sorts of fucked up. Awkward blondish brownish coppery shit. I don't want to dye it because I have like 3 inches of roots to cherish, but it'll be at least a year before this grows out to the same length my hair is now, and I'm trying to get somewhere below my shoulderblades but above the small of my back (I don't want my hair to get caught in my studded belts. That would be a pain.)
A girl came into wendy's the other day with natural waist length hair. I wanted to gush over it to her but usually when people have prominent desirable features they've heard it a million times. It'd only either inflate their ego or make them go "lol, no I'm totally ugly" like pretty girls do sometimes.
I've been dieting. So far I've eating a bag of skittles, 2 Code Reds and some Coney Island and some Wendy's. So yeah, not really doing well. Plus I still don't work out. I need to find a diet pill that actually works to bennefit you while you work out.
Aaaaand now I have to go pick Jon up from work so
XoXo,
S
anyway. I want an instant camera. Badly. And I want to get my hair trimmed to get rid of all the dead. I need to find some time to do that. Fuck, I should be doing homework right now and I'm not cuz I'm wasting my time online looking at Barbies and cameras and holding my tongue on an argument over people's rights relating to health care and the company providing it (because, I don't care if a church is providing the health care, they should provide contraceptives if the people want them. Fuck it, I just spoke my peace anyway).
I feel weird and sick and dizzy and my heart is beating awkwardly (at least it FEELS that way). I had a migraine starting earlier but I took an Excedrin with some Code Red and chilled until it went away. I can't organize my thoughts right now though, but I feel like talking, you know? I want to MAKE something. Draw. I don't know. Fucking anything. I had a dream that I got a tattoo on my other shoulder blade It was a girls facial profile looking towards the center of my back. It was pretty cool. Then in W233 I drew it out a bit, and had it so that her hair was aquas and greens and flowed onto my arm making a quarter sleeve oceaneque design with star fish and bubble and stuff. It sounds a lot prettier than what I actually drew, mind you.
My hair color is all sorts of fucked up. Awkward blondish brownish coppery shit. I don't want to dye it because I have like 3 inches of roots to cherish, but it'll be at least a year before this grows out to the same length my hair is now, and I'm trying to get somewhere below my shoulderblades but above the small of my back (I don't want my hair to get caught in my studded belts. That would be a pain.)
A girl came into wendy's the other day with natural waist length hair. I wanted to gush over it to her but usually when people have prominent desirable features they've heard it a million times. It'd only either inflate their ego or make them go "lol, no I'm totally ugly" like pretty girls do sometimes.
I've been dieting. So far I've eating a bag of skittles, 2 Code Reds and some Coney Island and some Wendy's. So yeah, not really doing well. Plus I still don't work out. I need to find a diet pill that actually works to bennefit you while you work out.
Aaaaand now I have to go pick Jon up from work so
XoXo,
February 16, 2012
in the bank
Despite the fact that I have still been eating out every day and putting gas in my car... I have money in my savings account. Quite a bit. Not even just my extra money left over from my loans. I could fucking cry. I've barely curbed my day to day spending. I guess this underlines the fact that my real problem was that my former significant other made me buy his food every day, and made me use my car and gas to take HIM to school every day, and that he wanted to go shopping and spending money and pressured me into buying things I otherwise wouldn't have.
I still eat out, like I said. Same places. Every day. I still buy stuff. I still splurge here and there (got me and the man some fancy cake and got him a coffee from the cafe next door yesterday) and I'm still putting gas in the tank.
The amount of comfort I feel... Knowing I can afford to change the oil in my car in a few weeks... And knowing I can buy tampons. And that I'm not breaking the bank by eating. Fuck, I feel so good. I was miserable over the fact that I was living paycheck to paycheck for so long, eating away at my savings account... There's stuff there now. I can afford to pay my brother $75 more from what I owe him. I'll probably have him paid back with my next 3 checks and then I can start working on paying my other bills. Pretty soon I'll be able to afford to go back to Planned Parenthood to take care of the yeast infection I'm pretty sure I have, and to find a good method of birth control for me.
Side note on the birth control... Why do guys act like they get it? Like it's just some magical simple thing and you're safe and everything is fine. There's pros and cons to EVERY birth control. Every single one. No ONE birth control can be taken by all girls. You have to find the one with the side effects you don't mind, that does what you want it to. The pill requires you to remember to take it every day, and on top of that there are so many different kinds that it feels wrong blanketing them all under "the pill" like it's one thing. Some cause women more pain than they can handle, and harsh periods. Some won't.
Choosing a birth control is a trial and error thing. yes, the shot last for 3 months, but that also means if it doesn't agree with you and you're one of the lucky girls who gets a heavier and more cramped period because of it you'll expect to have those symptoms for a good 4 months. That means that she wastes a quarter of her year suffering because the guy didn't want to mess with the pills or other methods because it's easier? fuck that. The Ring seems to be the most likely method for me, since the pill seems a little fucking iffy (everyone in my family all the way back to my grandma has gotten pregnant while taking the pill correctly. Maybe we're just fertile.) The shot doesn't seem worth the wait just for convenience. The patch sounds ridiculous. I'd much rather be rendered infertile, but who's actually going to do that one for me? And at least with the ring I can just put another one in when I take the last one out and not have a period anymore and eventually not have spotting in between either. I don't care if a little round rubber ring floating in my vagina weirds out my partner. He's not the one with the vagina.
ANYWAY I have a little lump of cash growing in my savings. I'll hopefully just get good money on my tax return and use it for my debt and save the rest (or splurge on account of me still wearing shirts from high school?) who knows.
XoXo,
S
I still eat out, like I said. Same places. Every day. I still buy stuff. I still splurge here and there (got me and the man some fancy cake and got him a coffee from the cafe next door yesterday) and I'm still putting gas in the tank.
The amount of comfort I feel... Knowing I can afford to change the oil in my car in a few weeks... And knowing I can buy tampons. And that I'm not breaking the bank by eating. Fuck, I feel so good. I was miserable over the fact that I was living paycheck to paycheck for so long, eating away at my savings account... There's stuff there now. I can afford to pay my brother $75 more from what I owe him. I'll probably have him paid back with my next 3 checks and then I can start working on paying my other bills. Pretty soon I'll be able to afford to go back to Planned Parenthood to take care of the yeast infection I'm pretty sure I have, and to find a good method of birth control for me.
Side note on the birth control... Why do guys act like they get it? Like it's just some magical simple thing and you're safe and everything is fine. There's pros and cons to EVERY birth control. Every single one. No ONE birth control can be taken by all girls. You have to find the one with the side effects you don't mind, that does what you want it to. The pill requires you to remember to take it every day, and on top of that there are so many different kinds that it feels wrong blanketing them all under "the pill" like it's one thing. Some cause women more pain than they can handle, and harsh periods. Some won't.
Choosing a birth control is a trial and error thing. yes, the shot last for 3 months, but that also means if it doesn't agree with you and you're one of the lucky girls who gets a heavier and more cramped period because of it you'll expect to have those symptoms for a good 4 months. That means that she wastes a quarter of her year suffering because the guy didn't want to mess with the pills or other methods because it's easier? fuck that. The Ring seems to be the most likely method for me, since the pill seems a little fucking iffy (everyone in my family all the way back to my grandma has gotten pregnant while taking the pill correctly. Maybe we're just fertile.) The shot doesn't seem worth the wait just for convenience. The patch sounds ridiculous. I'd much rather be rendered infertile, but who's actually going to do that one for me? And at least with the ring I can just put another one in when I take the last one out and not have a period anymore and eventually not have spotting in between either. I don't care if a little round rubber ring floating in my vagina weirds out my partner. He's not the one with the vagina.
ANYWAY I have a little lump of cash growing in my savings. I'll hopefully just get good money on my tax return and use it for my debt and save the rest (or splurge on account of me still wearing shirts from high school?) who knows.
XoXo,
S
February 14, 2012
No Minaj
I hate giving a fuck about celebrities, but I have a little bit of a hang over still from last nights valentine wine.
Dear Nicki Minaj, The red hooded 'dress' and red gloves has been done before. And done much better. So has that catholicism-esque pose.
You and the pope? Gaga and Jesus. Even Madonna touched on that shit, except what she did in HER day, and what Gaga did more recently were much bigger deals. You showed up late for this generations pseudo offensive religion reference costume party. And pretty much did a really bad job. Some consider Gaga to be an extension of Madonnas legacy. She does it and does it big and does it right. No need to try to do anything her or Madonna have done for another 10 or 20 years.
Plus, the Gaga's voice when she sings doesn't weird the shit out of me.
(I don't even like Madonna, but I respect the shit out of her past).
XoXo,
minorly hung over S
Dear Nicki Minaj, The red hooded 'dress' and red gloves has been done before. And done much better. So has that catholicism-esque pose.
You and the pope? Gaga and Jesus. Even Madonna touched on that shit, except what she did in HER day, and what Gaga did more recently were much bigger deals. You showed up late for this generations pseudo offensive religion reference costume party. And pretty much did a really bad job. Some consider Gaga to be an extension of Madonnas legacy. She does it and does it big and does it right. No need to try to do anything her or Madonna have done for another 10 or 20 years.
Plus, the Gaga's voice when she sings doesn't weird the shit out of me.
(I don't even like Madonna, but I respect the shit out of her past).
XoXo,
minorly hung over S
February 13, 2012
falling down
I wish I could just feel normal.
I found out some stuff about my dad, and I just don't want to talk about it. So I don't. But I feel so weird. And little things are making me sad and I feel myself slipping back down. It's out of my ability to control, and maybe that's why I feel so helpless, but it hurts so bad. I'm so tired of hurting all the time. I never get to appreciate the good things. Tell me it's my mindset all you want, but I'd literally do ANYTHING to stop feeling like this right now. I'm human. I've held it together decently, but how long can I pretend I'm fine before I break?
So many good things have happened to me recently. My friend sent in a referral for me to work at GM as a Temp. That's 15/hr plus overtime. Even if they didn't keep me I'd make almost 3000 a month. I want to start paying my car payment, and pay back my brother, and be independent. Every time I feel like the house I grew up in is finally becoming my home something happens and I just don't want to go back. I can't stay at Jon's forever because he's moving in with a friend and it'd be weird and I can't afford to pay rent or anything. I'm so fucking old and I can do so little.
It could be up to a year before they call me anyway, and that's just for the drug test. Then I'd have to wait an unknown amount of time before they finally called me in to work. I think I'd be good in a factory. Same shit as fast food (learn something, do it every day for months until they decide to put you somewhere else) except I only have to deal with coworkers and not customers. Maybe this is the path my life was supposed to take? I'd make enough money to feel free and even if work sucks I can listen to music and enjoy my free time because I'll have the cash for whatever hobbies I want. And not working in food will mean not eating so fucking much.
My man just finished making me our valentine's day meal. I'm pretty lucky. I hope my head can realize this soon so I can enjoy our night of cuddles together.
XoXo,
S
I found out some stuff about my dad, and I just don't want to talk about it. So I don't. But I feel so weird. And little things are making me sad and I feel myself slipping back down. It's out of my ability to control, and maybe that's why I feel so helpless, but it hurts so bad. I'm so tired of hurting all the time. I never get to appreciate the good things. Tell me it's my mindset all you want, but I'd literally do ANYTHING to stop feeling like this right now. I'm human. I've held it together decently, but how long can I pretend I'm fine before I break?
So many good things have happened to me recently. My friend sent in a referral for me to work at GM as a Temp. That's 15/hr plus overtime. Even if they didn't keep me I'd make almost 3000 a month. I want to start paying my car payment, and pay back my brother, and be independent. Every time I feel like the house I grew up in is finally becoming my home something happens and I just don't want to go back. I can't stay at Jon's forever because he's moving in with a friend and it'd be weird and I can't afford to pay rent or anything. I'm so fucking old and I can do so little.
It could be up to a year before they call me anyway, and that's just for the drug test. Then I'd have to wait an unknown amount of time before they finally called me in to work. I think I'd be good in a factory. Same shit as fast food (learn something, do it every day for months until they decide to put you somewhere else) except I only have to deal with coworkers and not customers. Maybe this is the path my life was supposed to take? I'd make enough money to feel free and even if work sucks I can listen to music and enjoy my free time because I'll have the cash for whatever hobbies I want. And not working in food will mean not eating so fucking much.
My man just finished making me our valentine's day meal. I'm pretty lucky. I hope my head can realize this soon so I can enjoy our night of cuddles together.
XoXo,
S
February 09, 2012
the Religion Conspiracy
I'm writing a paper on the psychology of conspiracy theories (Why people come up with theories and why people believe them).
I'm loving it, besides the awkward assignments that I don't quite understand. Like doing 4 free writes with topics like "reformulating binaries" and "uncovering assumptions." Overall I'd say free writing about my topic and my sources has been great for my memory and I have delved a little deeper into my topic, but I don't stay on topic with the free writes and hopefully I don't get counted off for it.
The thing I've realized the most about conspiracy theories is that the psychology behind them sounds EXACTLY like the psychology behind religion. It's the results of people not feeling control in their own lives and turning to theories that are impossible to prove to explain why things they don't like or feel uneasy about happen. It's humans buying into their own fears and creating something even scarier so that they don't ever have to cope with the fact that we control ourselves but we can't control the world.
I think this is a mark of my maturity and how I've grown more level headed in recent years. I completely understand that part of life is doing everything you can to have the results you want, and that when you don't get them it's out of your control and you should accept them. People don't die because of the devil or because it was "god's plan" they die because people die. If a higher power exists, they die because we weren't created to live forever but our death is hardly because of a deity sitting around going "Jesse needs to die in a car accident at the age of 16 because someone was driving drunk! That will teach everyone a lesson about the importance of safety and sobriety!"
Yes, its valuable to learn from the tragedies that do occur, but the idea that it MUST be someone else's plan would imply that we don't have free will. If we didn't have free will there would be no purpose to Jesse dying in an accident because our lives are already fabricated for us and we're just following them.
Conspiracy theories are also a mechanism of people with strong individualistic ideals being faced with things they don't agree with teamed up with our brains natural desire to see patterns. If someone is very aware of themselves and proud of their tattoos and had bad service from a restaurant numerous times they'd see that pattern and link it to being a personal attack on their body art. Sure, it could be, but it could also just be that the place has bad service. Every time I've gone to the Tilted Kilt I've gotten terrible service, but others haven't. I could make that to mean something, or I could accept that I've just had a few bad or new waitresses. Conservative Christians feel uncomfortable around gays and therefor feel that their marriage should be illegal and their quality of life should be less than a heterosexuals. They formulate ideas of it being a sin against god to back up their feelings when in reality they're choosing to hide behind their ideas instead of facing their fears and accepting that the way they feel is only their opinion and my not actually be based in fact.
That's my feeling of organized Christian religions at least. This paper has been AMAZING to read up on. My brain juices are feeling good.
XoXo,
S
I'm loving it, besides the awkward assignments that I don't quite understand. Like doing 4 free writes with topics like "reformulating binaries" and "uncovering assumptions." Overall I'd say free writing about my topic and my sources has been great for my memory and I have delved a little deeper into my topic, but I don't stay on topic with the free writes and hopefully I don't get counted off for it.
The thing I've realized the most about conspiracy theories is that the psychology behind them sounds EXACTLY like the psychology behind religion. It's the results of people not feeling control in their own lives and turning to theories that are impossible to prove to explain why things they don't like or feel uneasy about happen. It's humans buying into their own fears and creating something even scarier so that they don't ever have to cope with the fact that we control ourselves but we can't control the world.
I think this is a mark of my maturity and how I've grown more level headed in recent years. I completely understand that part of life is doing everything you can to have the results you want, and that when you don't get them it's out of your control and you should accept them. People don't die because of the devil or because it was "god's plan" they die because people die. If a higher power exists, they die because we weren't created to live forever but our death is hardly because of a deity sitting around going "Jesse needs to die in a car accident at the age of 16 because someone was driving drunk! That will teach everyone a lesson about the importance of safety and sobriety!"
Yes, its valuable to learn from the tragedies that do occur, but the idea that it MUST be someone else's plan would imply that we don't have free will. If we didn't have free will there would be no purpose to Jesse dying in an accident because our lives are already fabricated for us and we're just following them.
Conspiracy theories are also a mechanism of people with strong individualistic ideals being faced with things they don't agree with teamed up with our brains natural desire to see patterns. If someone is very aware of themselves and proud of their tattoos and had bad service from a restaurant numerous times they'd see that pattern and link it to being a personal attack on their body art. Sure, it could be, but it could also just be that the place has bad service. Every time I've gone to the Tilted Kilt I've gotten terrible service, but others haven't. I could make that to mean something, or I could accept that I've just had a few bad or new waitresses. Conservative Christians feel uncomfortable around gays and therefor feel that their marriage should be illegal and their quality of life should be less than a heterosexuals. They formulate ideas of it being a sin against god to back up their feelings when in reality they're choosing to hide behind their ideas instead of facing their fears and accepting that the way they feel is only their opinion and my not actually be based in fact.
That's my feeling of organized Christian religions at least. This paper has been AMAZING to read up on. My brain juices are feeling good.
XoXo,
S
February 05, 2012
my understanding of how entertainment works.
I never understood or cared much for organized sports. I played some basketball in my day (and hated every moment, begging to be benched at every game), and I'll do volleyball for the hell of it with my friends, but the the whole teams and leagues and big games (*cough* Superbowl*cough*) never made much sense to me. I watch some WWE for cheap entertainment when it's on and I'm not busy, but as I sit and watch glittery men grapple and belittle one another I realize that it's nothing special it's just something to get into for the sake of getting into it.
I've been criticized to hell and back for it. I died of gleeful joy when Chris Jericho did a CLASSICALLY HIM thing in a tag team match and just walked out, leaving his team behind. I don't really expect anyone to get it, because it's just a show, but the amount of hate I get for enjoying it is almost unbearable. Why does my liking of something that I fully admit is stupid so offensive to others?
Now, the real issue obviously isn't my love of the WWE. It's the fact that So many people spent today buying into football and it's 100% okay and everything is fine and right on this day in America. People care so much about who wins and take is so personally. Every fumble and every touch down has some sort of relevance and meaning in their lives, and if you dare to question that relevance you're just not a very good person. Regardless of who wins the Superbowl our lives will all go on. While playing football is a sport, watching it is only a form of entertainment. We aren't playing football at home. We aren't on the teams and nothing we say or do actually matters in the big world of football. What those fans do is the same as what I do, except I'm not in denial about it.
By all means, go watch the game and enjoy the shit out of it. It's not my cup of tea, but it wouldn't be so popular if everyone felt the way I do... but realize that your form of entertainment is no better than someone else's. People cry over books and feel fear and anxiety when they're watching scripted tv shows (and a shit load of anger when they watch some MTV reality stuff) and that's just fine with the rest of the world.
I watch wrestling.
It's not real.
The acting isn't always great, and the characters tend to not be very dimensional.
That's just fucking fine, because it makes my nights a little brighter.
It doesn't have to be real to be enjoyed.
XoXo,
S
I've been criticized to hell and back for it. I died of gleeful joy when Chris Jericho did a CLASSICALLY HIM thing in a tag team match and just walked out, leaving his team behind. I don't really expect anyone to get it, because it's just a show, but the amount of hate I get for enjoying it is almost unbearable. Why does my liking of something that I fully admit is stupid so offensive to others?
Now, the real issue obviously isn't my love of the WWE. It's the fact that So many people spent today buying into football and it's 100% okay and everything is fine and right on this day in America. People care so much about who wins and take is so personally. Every fumble and every touch down has some sort of relevance and meaning in their lives, and if you dare to question that relevance you're just not a very good person. Regardless of who wins the Superbowl our lives will all go on. While playing football is a sport, watching it is only a form of entertainment. We aren't playing football at home. We aren't on the teams and nothing we say or do actually matters in the big world of football. What those fans do is the same as what I do, except I'm not in denial about it.
By all means, go watch the game and enjoy the shit out of it. It's not my cup of tea, but it wouldn't be so popular if everyone felt the way I do... but realize that your form of entertainment is no better than someone else's. People cry over books and feel fear and anxiety when they're watching scripted tv shows (and a shit load of anger when they watch some MTV reality stuff) and that's just fine with the rest of the world.
I watch wrestling.
It's not real.
The acting isn't always great, and the characters tend to not be very dimensional.
That's just fucking fine, because it makes my nights a little brighter.
It doesn't have to be real to be enjoyed.
XoXo,
S
February 04, 2012
Trust is everything
Miss M, I don't know if you go back to check for replies, and I don't know if it tells you... So I'll just point out that I've also tried to stop referring to carbonated drinks altogether because soda just doesn't roll of the tongue like pop, and even pop is starting to feel weird because I know soda makes more sense. It's really awkward at work when I'm trying to figure out what drink someone wants. I'm like, "what kind of drink," and they ALWAYS think I'm talking about the size of the drink. ;_; Don't make me use those evil words, damn you.
ANYWAY.
Today I realized something about myself. I've started to let go of all the bad. I've started to get over my trust issues, and look past all the things that have hurt me in the past. I can say with confidence that Jon would never do something to intentionally hurt me. He'd never say something to test me, or to upset me because I upset him. He'd never cheat on me. I guess never is a permanent word. Who knows what will happen in the future? But right now I feel confidence in my relationship. When he says something that would have upset me if someone else had said it, I don' even care because I know he wouldn't have said it if he thought it would hurt me.
I fucking love this feeling. I've NEVER had it before with a guy. Trust is amazing.
<3
S
ANYWAY.
Today I realized something about myself. I've started to let go of all the bad. I've started to get over my trust issues, and look past all the things that have hurt me in the past. I can say with confidence that Jon would never do something to intentionally hurt me. He'd never say something to test me, or to upset me because I upset him. He'd never cheat on me. I guess never is a permanent word. Who knows what will happen in the future? But right now I feel confidence in my relationship. When he says something that would have upset me if someone else had said it, I don' even care because I know he wouldn't have said it if he thought it would hurt me.
I fucking love this feeling. I've NEVER had it before with a guy. Trust is amazing.
<3
S
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