Getting Ink

A lot of things have happened in the past few days. None of which that I feel like spewing across the internet to strangers.

I don't know what to make of anything anymore. I'll get over it.

Halloween USA opened today. I'm going up tomorrow, but I don't have any money. They accidentally sent our paychecks to fucking Ohio, so we won't be getting them til Thursday, instead of tomorrow when I need it. I'm already psyched about Halloween though. I forgot how much I fucking love this holiday.

I'm also going to go see Metallica in Indy in about a month with Brandon. Hopefully I get to see Michelle a little this time.

I've finally decided to take the plunge and get a visible tattoo. I'm scared, but excited at the same time. I'm getting the symbol Leeloo from The Fifth Element has on her wrist. I've seen some people get them, like this, and ones that simply use lines instead of dots...

but I want it to be exact. Same colors, same everything. Like This, from the movie:
The Fifth Element is one of 3 movies that I think are a part of who I am (the other two being Tank Girl and Labyrinth). The movies I only saw once or twice (or not even all of until recently) when I was young but I like them enough to think about them a lot, and wonder what they're called (It took me years to figure out about Tank Girl, I've been dying to see it ever since I saw part of it late one night) and want to watch them over and over, and eventually, years later I still like them and associate myself with them more than ever.

Tank Girl was my first 'punk girl' movie, the first time I saw such a strange, strong and unique chick. It was futuristic, but not cyber. She had her head shaved in places and had a pretty bad attitude. I only saw pieces of it when I was up late on a school night, trying not to fall asleep, but I'd been trying to figure out what the movie was for years and years and only happened to come across it somehow on the interent and finally, just this year, I got to watch it all. I fucking loved it.

Labyrinth... David Bowie. I believe that despite any other thing I may have said, David Bowie in that movie my first ever crush. The first villain that I liked more than the main character. The first time I really got into a fairy tail or the over the top glamorous outfits and masks and fantasy. I still remember seeing the movie in Wal-Mart and freaking out because I remembered it from my childhood but hadn't seen it since I was really young.

And then there's The Fifth Element. I think it was the first Cyber- futuristic movie I've ever seen, and I don't know why the fuck they don't make more of them . I love everything about those movies from the bright colors, unique clothing with stratigicly cut holes and so on. Bright unnatural hair colors, and a strong ties to things that were predicted in the past. I'm not remembering what they're called. Fuck me.

Anyway, I'm getting ink for all of those, starting with The Fifth Element. Maybe getting a maze tattoo for Labyrinth. I'm not sure what I'll do for Tank Girl, but I'll figure something bad ass out, even if it's only her comic book character.

Thinking of getting tattoos makes me feel a hell of a lot better...

XoXo

The Killing Dance

I'm reading the Killing Dance (finally) and I love reading the back-and-forth in Anita's head about the pros and cons of Jean-Claude and Richard.

Been opening, feeling drained and tired and needing more time for living. Feeling out of place, not seeing friends, not doing anything that feels worth while. I think the feeling will pass once I get moved out and start hanging with my brother and his friends more. Maybe I'll adopt some of them.

I also now realize the ultimate problem behind Brandon and I is our body schedules. I get up at 7 in the morning. He gets up at 4 in the afternoon (occasionally noon if he has to) so, by the time I see him when I get off of work (at 4) he's got his whole day ahead of him and had the fresh energy of someone who's just gotten up, whereas I've been up for 9 hours. My mid-day is his morning, and my night time is his mid-day. It's only a slight alteration, but it makes a world of difference.

Once I hit 9 o'clock I'm exhausted and tired and just want to sit and rest, but he's all hyper and energized and playing around and it drives me crazy. I actually LIKE it when he's being all cute and annoying, but when I've been on my feet for 14 hours and he wants me to be walking around and have the patients of morning and mid-day me... well, I just can't do that. I want to, and I try to, but I fucking can't. and even when I stay the night with him, I'm up by at least noon, usually sooner and I'll have been up for hours before he's up and I'll have the energy to go do something and he'll just want to scoot around the house and do morning things.

There are never resolutions to my problems. I always get stuck with the difficult ones.

I need a shopping trip to some salvation army/plato's closet. Spending money makes me feeeel good.

XoXo

time

Still reading Bloody Bones. I'm paaacing myself.

Also, watching America's Next Top Model. Nice.

My brother and I (and his girlfriend Nikki) went up to the Salvation Army in Fort Wayne. I got a rainbow belt and gangster dress that I think was home-made. I don't quite fit it, but I can alter it pretty easy, since it's a home job. A nice home job, but a home job none-the-less.

I've been expanding my wardrobe, and I like it. Not just jeans and T-Shirts. Corsets, dresses, stockings, headbands. I feel more... me-y.

I need shoes now. Not just chucks, as much as I love them and they match everything. I need a pair of all-purpose not-manly sexy-tall-matches-everything boots. I have a pair of heals that work with everything, a pair of chucks for any outfit, and even some flats that work most of the time... but I don't have any good boots. Just a junky wal-mart mid-calf pair that is a little too big and makes me look manly instead of girly or combat-chic. Mid-Calf anything is bad on girls with muscley legs like me. :(

AAANNNYway. We'll hopefully be moving soon. SOON. I'll be out. I'l be in my out little living space. It'll be SPECATUCULAR and Mechanized Duck (my brother and I's youtube show that we haven't made yet) will come to life.

Life is almost good. I only wish my days felt as long as they used to. I don't have a morning anymore. It's up and straight to work. No laying in bed, no watching the news or eating or enjoy the smell that are out right before the sun is risen. Just work. And work til 4. Then, I used to be able to be up til 2 and not worry about how I'd stay on my feet the next day. Now, if I'm not asleep by 12 (which, I never am) I freak out about the next day and have to force myself to sleep.

Makes the days feel too short, and my life feel like it's flying by way to quickly. I dislike it. But I'm happy still. Only two days left in the week and I'll get some sleep and reading time.

XoXo

Dates, love, and my outfit

Yesterday, I went on a date with Brandon (yes, a date, we agreed to try it out) and wow. He really went all out for this date.

He took me to Olive Garden. I'm aware that it's not exactly a 'jacket required' restaurant, but it was sooo nice. I mean, the waitress... I've never had a waitress try so hard and be so cheerful and actually try to make our meal beyond pleasant. She was also only like, 5 feet tall and it was interesting to watch her push he way through and around the other waitresses, because she kicked their asses.

I had a $6 piece of cake. It was spectacular. I was WORTH $6.

Then he took me to the mall, because I wanted to go buy more Anita Blake books from B&N. We ended up wondering around and I bought a new corset from Charlotte Russe. It's newspaper white and black, with lace. Super cute, and 25% off.

I bought it because I wore one :) I actually wore my beautiful black corset in public when it WASN'T halloween.
I got quite a few looks, and some compliments for this. Yeah, I'm wearing black fishnets on one side, and a black fishnet+solid stripe on the other (over red tights).
It's not because I'm so unique and bad ass, it's because I can't find the other of the solid+net. I could have just worn the fishnets over them (plain is not an option for this outfit...) but it was pair of tights, and the other leg had a bit of a snag. I tried to just trim the fuzz off, but I ended up over-snipping and making an unsightly hole. This is not an outfit for ripped fishnets. So I just cut the good leg off and hooked it all to a garter belt.

Later, at Wet Seal I got me a cute headband to top the whole thing off..
Yes. THIS IS AWESOME and only cost $6. Yeah, I spent like $60 yesterday, but the books will help to hold me off until my next check.

But anyway, after that, we were headed to the movie theater and some black guy, driving a really nice black car started following us. It was scary shit. He followed us around for about 10 minutes (through parking lots, random streets, and U-Turns) and Finally, I got a straight look at his face when we were going through ANOTHER parking lot, and I think the fact that I'd have been able to identify him made him back off. Fucking psycho people.

We saw Inglorious Bastards. It was funny at points, because redneck behavior is funny... But I was surprised how much I like it, simply because most of the movie was in French and German. Very little English and subtitles galore. The previews don't do the thing justice, it makes it look like a movie about those hicks killing the nazis, but it's not. It's about a French Jewish girl getting revenge on the nazis for the death of her family. The Americans just play a part in it all.

We went back to his place to watch Coraline (what I saw was good. I ended up asleep about halfway through). After I woke back up from my nap he had a bit of alcohol in him, and started to hug me and hold me and was telling me how much he missed me and how he hated himself for letting me go and that he just couldn't understand how I could love him so much and he was crying and telling me that he didn't deserve me. He said he had wanted to marry me, not now, but down the road, but he never wanted to tell me any of that because he didn't want me to think less of him for being a pussy, but that he realizes now that I'm the first girl he's been with that's really loved him.

Yes, we're together again. Sometimes it take the sweet alcohol-induced confession to make you realize how much you mean to someone else. And fuck, I do still love him. Not in the same obsessive way I used to. I mean, fuck, I have problems (jealousy, paranoia, excessive short-temperedness) and I need to get over them because those aren't a part of love. I almost think I like the fucked-up way I look at things. Bad me.

Going to read Bloody Bones now.

XoXo

Anita made-for-tv movie, betches

Appearantly, after minimal research, I've found out that Anita Blake will be made into a made-for TV movie. HA! Go me. Should be released in 2010. Whenever (if ever) it's made on DVD, I'm fucking buying it.

My stomach is hurting, and I'm tired.

I've been listening to slipknot to pass the time. Volume 3: the Subliminal Verse [bonus disk 1]

I LOVE LOVE LOVE the acoustic version of Vermilion. Of course, I also fucking adore the original. The man can scream, sing and just plain talk and still sound seductive as all hell. I wasn't really into the CD when I first bought it, but I'm getting pretty into it now.

Maybe I'll get another CD... Even though the only Slipknot songs that I know are on this one. I also want Hailstorm. I think that's what they're called. They have a chick singer, which usually really puts me off a rock band, but damn I like that song that they play on the radio. I mean, fuck, it's even a SONG ABOUT SEX done in a sexual way (Amanda Palmer sings about sex all the time, but it's not so much erotic as it is realistic) but I'm hooked.

I don't feel as guilty about liking the music due to the fact that as far as I can tell, the singer doesn't seem like a total twat and her music isn't just catchy bullshit (like, say, Katy Perry)...

Can't wait to get more Anita Blake.

X0X0

money and books

After reading as slowly as possible I finally finished The Lunatic Cafe. ;_; I can't wait to read more on Anita and Jean-Claude.

Why the fuck aren't these books being made into movies? Not a shitty T.V. show, that'd ruin it. But I'd watch all fucking 17 movies. or, make a 17 episode mini-movie thing (it can even be made-for-tv) I just want this shit to come to life. I LOVE it.



Brad thinks I'm doing a good job with opening :D I CAN CLEAN WELL. He said he's never seen the towels looks so dirty, which means I've obviously been cleaning things that haven't been touched in a while. I pride myself on my dedication to detail when I clean. I swear by the end of the month I'll have all the dirt cleaned out of the little grooves on the wall. It annoys me to no end when I wall is dirty. How else would I have been able to spend an entire day making the walls in Brandon's kitchen look pink again? Yeah, they looked yellow when I started. Skills kiddies, skills.

:) I actually don't even mind opening. Besides me feeling a little tired from getting around earlier, it feels like a normal 5 hour day, except I get 7 hours out of it. Bad ass. My pay checks are going to kick major ass, compared to the ones I have now. I mean, my $309 check was amazing. I can't recall ever breaking the big 3-0-0 mark. But I should be in the 40o's on my checks once I get a check with two of my 35 hour weeks (I know, that's 70 hours. I CAN accomplish multiplying by 2)

Going to the Mall Saturday. I'm re-reading Guilty Pleasures, then re-reading the comic and so on until I have my next fix. I'm a fucking junkie.

X0X0

Of Vampires from France

I'm up to the 4th book and still waiting for Anita and Jean-Claude to get the fuck together. I was too anxious to wait and find out which book it would be, so I checked online. I'm two books away. Excitement.

Finished Circus of the Damned in a day. I'm reading the Lunatic Cafe pretty slowly. I think it's subconscious. I don't have the next book, and will either need to order online or find someone to drive me up to the mall. Either way, I know if I finish it tomorrow I'll have to wait. I don't think I can. I NEED to have my extra books. I can't stand the thought of having to scower the internet trying to find information and fanfics on this. It'll end up ruining parts of the story. I mean, sure, finding out which book Jean-Claude and Anita get together in could have potentially ruined several books. But I needed to know it would be some time before the LAST FUCKING BOOK. Because if I was going to have to wait that long, I'd just buy the last fucking book.

It's funny. My brother thinks their dirty sex-filled romance novels. They aren't. Not at all. I mean, besides Jean-Claude being the seductive (but unsucceful) bastard he is, it's pretty intense, but there hasn't been sex ONCE in the series yet. This is book 4. Next book-buying excapade will be 5-10. It's 17 book fucking series. I need as much as possible at once. Maybe only 5-8. I AM going to be pretty poor pretty soon.

Seriously though. These books are like fucking cocaine. FUCKING COCAINE. I NEED them. I haven't been sleepign well these past few days, because I've been up reading til midnight, then I'd try to force myself to fall asleep... And I'd wake up every 30 minutes or so. Finally, around 4 I usually give up and keep reading. I can't help it. My brain can't stop processing this. I wants me to go on more than it wants me to sleep.

Shit.

I've even been opening. Today was day 2. I even was back coordinator today. Never done that shit before. Opening isn't hard or stressful or anything. Just boring. And I'm usually tired from staying up all night reading. I'll be happy once I get my paycheck for sure.

The Laughing Corpse

I thought I was SOOOOOO lucky today.

I was about to finish Guilty Pleasures this morning and mom was going to Fort Wayne, so I'd be up around Barnes and Noble as well as Borders. I tagged along (she bought me and my brother towels. Our bathroom will now be done in red and purple whether he likes it or not) and we stopped at Borders. I got the first one online, but since it was the same genera as Bitten [Kelley Armstrong. Very good series at least up to the 4th book, where I'm currently at] so I knew where to find Laurell K. Hamilton's books would probably be.

And they were. A lot of her books. Just not the ONE BOOK I needed. I bought nothing, figuring I'd check Barnes and Noble later. A trip to Kohl's later I was dropped off there and went to where I was sure her books would be (I don't generally BUY from there, just look, so I wasn't sure) and There they were. Nearly every single book by her, taking up almost 3 full shelves. Every book except (you guessed it) the one I wanted.

I didn't want to leave empty handed. So I grabbed the next two books in the series. No, I wouldn't read them out of order, but having them would help keep me interested. Out of curiosity I went to check the comics. I always check the comics, to see if they still have Death, and the Buffy comic. Low and Behold, I see a large hardcover book with a girl who looks a bit like Didi on it (from Death) but it wasn't Didi. It was fucking Anita Blake. It was A comic version of The Laughing Corpse. Yes, the book I needed that they didn't have... In comic form.

Oh, Hell yes.

But no. Hell no. I just finished it... Despite being all five of the existing comics, it's only half the fucking book. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS... NOW.

Those insensitive bastards. I figured "full 5 comics" meant the whole fucking book. But noooo. It's just all that's published in comic form so far.

Bastards

XoXo

My Favorite Characters.

I have this theory about the books I read.

It does a bit like this:

They have 3 'main' characters. One is the person telling a story (usually a human girl, since I only really read vampire/werewolf novels) and the second is her 'love interest' that is a vampire and you know she'll end up with him, whether it's in the first book of a series or not. Then, you have the third. He's always a sweet charming boy who love vampires or is in the vampire crowd in some way. He's always got the most charisma of any of the other characters hands down. Maybe this is because the writer doesn't feel the need to give them and many flaws because he's a mere secondary character and no one will cry about him being 'too perfect' since they're generally only concerned with the two mains and whatever the conflict of the novel is.

This is always my favorite character. In Voice of the Blood it was Lovely. In the Turning is was Ziggy. Now, as I read Guilty Pleasure, by Laurell K. Hamilton, it's the super sexy Phillipe.

You know what all these characters have in common BESIDES being my favorite? They (spoilers ahead, yo) DIE IN THE FUCKING END OF THE FIRST BOOK.

I'm sitting here. My baby is being put into mortal danger. My arm twitches in anger. From the first page that it became apparent that he was important I thought "The bitch writer had better not kill him" then I continue, with some hope. A slim glimmer of false hope, for sure. I know this. I read on.

Danger becomes worse as Main Character leaves, leaving my sweet little favorite behind, with hopes to be able to return before it's too late. My arm twitches again. I have a baaaad feeling. But the writer wouldn't let him die right? That would be FAR TO HEARTLESS. RIGHT?!

Then FUCKING BAM, there he is, throat ripped out.

I want to fucking kill someone. I want to seek out the author and bitch slap her.

I barely have to will to pick the book back up, but being a vampire novel I retain the false hope that somehow between his death and the main character passing out someone (maybe the 'love interest' that Main Character will likely be with in other novels, if my Charisma Boy really is dead) comes in and turns him somehow.

Is that going to happen? No, I know it won't. But I have to at least try to read on. Just for the sake of my false hope. I have a feeling I'll be crying myself to sleep tonight.

I swear I'm going to stop reading altogether. Just to save myself the heartbreak of the lost Charisma Boy. ;_; I can't take much more of this.

XoXo

tired of waiting.

I feel horrible. :( I was supposed to drive steve to work in the morning but I'd have to stay at Brandon's because I'd need to get up around 2 a.m. to so that I had time to drive to town to pick him up and take him to work by 4.

Brandon was supposed to go to Ft Wayne to talk to his lawyer, and then was supposed to come back home and watch movies with me and hang out. I knew I'd end up having to wait a little bit, but I haven't seen him in a long time. I thought I was worth it.

So I went to CVS to pick up my deodorant (They don't carry my brand at Wal-Mart or I'd have gotten it when I was there the other day) and then it started to poor so I just went back to Wendy's to hang out. I didn't want to sit in my car in his drive way if I was storming. Hung out there for almost an hour, and figured that since he still hadn't told me that he's on his way back, I had time to go to Wal-Mart. I just wanted to look at lamps and shit, since the town home I'm moving into doesn't have built in lights.

After about 30 minutes, still no word from him. Finally I just went and sat in my car at his house because I had nothing else to do. I tried napping, made a list of everything I would need for the house (household essentials besides furniture and food) and after about 30 minutes of that I said "fuck it" and went on a bike ride with Kim, figuring he wouldn't be upset if he had to wait a few minutes for me since I waited so long for him.

He finally started texting me and started to say that he was going to hang out with Ryan and drink and asked me if I wanted to come along. Well, for one, he told me he was only going to drink on special occasions. What the hell is the special occasion right now?

Basically, I waited in town for 5 fucking hours, just to realize that Brandon wasn't coming home anytime soon and just to let down a friend. I'm never relying on him again. Not even when I NEED him. This wasn't just pizza that I was treating him to, I fucking NEEDED him to let me crash there, if nothing else, and he wasn't there for me.




In brighter news (the I really can't enjoy) my brother and I are definintly getting the townhome. He still has to "tour" the available ones and talk about costs and security deposits and all, but we're pretty set on it even though it's more expensive.

Also, my perscription strength anti-persperant brand (the only one that works for me) now makes a morning "refreshing" stick as well as the night one. So hopefully the dryness/irritation I sometimes get will go away because it'll moisturize it. And there will be a deoderant scent instead of just a bitchen anti-persperant.

I'm still upset though.
XoXo

a list

To give a basic rundown of my day...

1. My sister told my dad that she was pregnant
2. My dad then mowed the lawn for 2 straight hours.
3. My mom cleaned out the small room in the basement, telling me that I'll either leave this room to sleep down there, or move out.
   
4. I talked with my brother. We're moving the fuck out. I don't ever want to look back, or be in such an awful environment. I don't ever want to see my mom or sister again. I'll put up with being in the same room as them during family events, but that's fucking it. I'll happily talk to my dad though.
5. My brother and I are looking at apartments tomorrow. We are, in fact, getting out ASAP
6. I was supposed to eat at Pizza Hut with Brandon today, and he wasn't awake until about an hour after we were supposed to meet to be there. I was at his house on time, got tired of waiting. Went to Wal-Mart for quite a long time and then finally went to Wendy's to snag something to eat and went home. He somehow manages to maintain the fact that us not getting to eat out is my fault. I'm really getting tired of his shit. He owes me $200.
   

That is my life.
XoXo

lovely day.

I had the most wonderful change in events today. I was originally going to sit/lay in bed all day, pretending to have a decent plot for my novel, play on the internet and read. While I was more than content with being a lazy ass after how much effort I've put into myself this past week, things couldn't have possibly changed for the better.

My brother offered to have me go with him to Evans house to play some computer game. Luckily I declined, but about an hour later Kandi texted me and asked if I wanted to go to Ft. Wayne with her today.

It was great. Really. I managed to keep within my eating times (though, my Burger King at the mall probably made me surpass my normal calorie intake... but My stomach could barely fit my small sandwhich and cheesy tots, meaning it has shrunk. go me) and have a fucking great time! We went through the mall, played with the iPhone 3Gs at the AT&T shop, got her the new glasses frames, since hers broke and that's why she was going up there to begin with... We went to Forever 21 and she got me to not only try on clothes, but we modeled them to eachother. I rarely do either. I was going to buy a really fucking cute pink dress for my Art Book photos, but it was almost $30 so I opted for the little blue and black plaid dress with a zipper down the front. tres cute! and I got a huge crystal-like flower ring. It's a size too small, but I love it so much that I'll make it work.

Me and Kandi have never really hung out together, but I'm so happy we did. It was fun :) Now I'm even more sad that she'll be going away in a few weeks. We're making one last trip to the mall though, so we can buy some chucks. The super high tops are on sale, and since it's a discontinued item I need to get them while I can. They're as cheap as regular high tops.

I can't wait. :) I miss going to the mall with someone that DOESN'T have a penis. No offense to Brandon, it's just not anywhere close to being the same.

I'm high on life.

A girl on deviantArt also made me a beautiful picture based on Amanda Palmer's song Astronaut. I only bought her a subscription. I feel like I owe her now, because I'm completely in love with this picture (the thought of a tattoo of it has crossed my mind on multiple occasion already) and I only bought her a cheap little sub. How could life be any better?

Astronaut by *Maddiox on deviantART

XoXo

twists, turns, knots and life

So, I'm probably at the height of my health right now. Not only did I work out (cycling) for about 30 minutes Monday through today, I've cut back on a lot of my unhealthy eating. I've actually just realized that I've only been taking in about 1200 calories a day. In a way that's good, because 2000 is for the average person, and if your trying to lose weight (I am) you should eat less than that... But going from approx. 3000 a day to 1200 doesn't sound healthy to me, so I ate a cheesed toastie. Yes, it was heavenly. I've even been fucking drinking water. Seriously. I hate every moment of it, but it'll be worth it. I've never stuck to a health plan this well (5 days... how sad)

In general, I feel strange though. At first I felt amazing. After my second workout my skin was positively glowing and I FELT GREAT. I'm able to go to bed more easily, even if I don't feel tired, and get up even earlier without falling back to sleep. Hell, I've even been writing/planning out a novel. A fucking novel. AND I'M HAPPY WITH WHAT I HAVE SO FAR.

But at the same time, I've still been having anxiety troubles, and a part of me has given up on certain aspects of my life. I was researching drugs for my story, and as I read some description I half wanted to get my hands on some myself. Not pot, it sounded boring. But what would shrooms be like? Or LSD. LSD's have always interested me. Ecstasy, Oxycontin, Morphine, Speed. I have no desire to destroy my life with a drug addiction, but I just feel the need to -try- them.

I won't. I'm not stupid. But I feel unhappy in way. I want to rip my hair out and smash my head into the wall repeatedly. My stomach is knotted.

It doesn't help that I have minor writers block regarding the start of my story. I always have a hell of a time writing the start of a story, and even when I finally write one I have a hell of a time tying it into the story.

Maybe I'll just go to bed.

XOXO

Well, your head isn't too far up your ass or anything.

"Im not sure why you guys have anything against British food... You've obviously never had anything worth eating. And to be fair I could say the same about food in the US, I didn't enjoy it."

Comment on Amanda Palmer's twitter feed regarding her espresso in Europe not being very good.

Seriously though, how dense do you have to be to not realize cultural differences in food taste? I mean, as far as tea and coffee goes, neither Europeans nor Americans will be satisfied with the others coffee or tea. My friend Brandon loves Americas sweet tea. I know a lot of people who fucking love coffee here. We'd hate Europe's.

I know I hate coffee either way. No matter how much flavor and sugar you add to it, it kicks you in the face with it's strong as fuck and rank taste of coffee beans.

That's besides the point though. Because, you know, just because I'm from America must mean that I'm so used to eating shitty foods that I don't have functioning taste buds. It couldn't possibly just be that Americans grew up with different foods, and that we all think your European foods taste weird and gross.

Seriously, get over yourselves (this isn't a new thing. I see things about how "My country is much better than America. You American's can't do anything right"

Silly foreign countries, we don't give a shit that you don't like us, just don't patronize someone just because they don't like your coffee when they need their fix. It's not like we're insulting your whole existence.

Sorry, it just really got to me when I read that. WTF, I don't even think Amanda was being too serious. Uncalled for shot at the states is uncalled for.

Nevermind really, I have to get ready to go to work :\

Fuck Up

So, I wasn't feeling too well, and because I didn't want to find out if it was going to turn into a migraine I took some Excedrin before it got that far.

Apparently there's a new animated series about Wolverine coming out. It's an anime, of all things. Looks god-awful. I'd probably still watch it at least once, to make sure I wasn't missing out. X-Men Evolution sounded stupid until I finally watched some of it.

I made a list of wants and needs, and the want list is 36 lines and counting, whereas the needs list is 17 and pretty much done. I'm even trying to generalize in the "wants" section with things like "vampire Novels" and "shoes" instead of listing specific boots or shoes that I want.

Jacob said that we may (or may not) move into an apartment together in a few months to GTFO before my sister has her baby.

Oh yeah, btw, my 13 year old sister is 4 months pregnant. I would have written when I first found out, but I was so unsurprised by it that I didn't bother. Seriously, it's sad that instead of being blown away at the fact that my sister will probably be having a baby days before she's 14, all I could think about was "damn, I was just hoping she was getting fat, so that I wouldn't be the fat one anymore" >:( I'm tired of being the fat one. Maybe she won't lose her baby weight. I can always hope. Yes, I am such an uncaring bitch of a sister that I don't care about her well-being at the moment. Getting pregnant at her age is not only stupid on her part, but most likely on purpose in a way. Seriously, who is dumb enough to not at LEAST pull out if there isn't a condom around. She IS smarter than that.

Maybe we took her out of therapy too soon. All I know is I will not fucking be across the hall from a screaming baby. I hate babies enough as it is.

I DO care that my sister makes it through the pregnancy, don't get my wrong. No one deserves to die (or, in a way we all do, but I prefer to hold my current oppion) but I'm so finished with giving a shit and trying to help her out. Getting pregnant is petty much the most selfish thing she's ever done. She isn't even in high school yet, so you know who is going to be paying for everything and taking care of the baby? My mom, who has shit to do and bills to take care of as it is. But no, it's not enough for my sister to drain my mom of her money to constantly buy her new shoes and clothes and junk food, she has to bring a fucking baby into the picture.

I've conluded that once I'm capable of getting out and living on my own, I gone an I'm not looking back. I'll visit during christmas maybe, to see my grandparents and aunts and uncles, I'll visit with my brother and maybe call my dad, but as far as my mom and sister go (yes, my sister is the product of the way my mother raised her. my brother and I were raised very differently and taught that we should rely on our own devices while my sister was taught to leach) they're pretty much dead to me.

Why allow myself to spend all this time trying to figure out why they're so fucked up when I can just move on and try to not be as fuck up as they are.

Speaking of being fucked up. I'm looking at books on Necromancy and watching youtube videos of pole dance routines. I'm fucked up, but I'd rather be my version of fucked up than pregnant with a kid who will be 5 or 6 when I graduate high school (that is, assuming my sister does so)

Weeell. On that note, I suppose this is good night.

Breaking Points: I have them.

So I we all kinda have points at which we say "no more."

I have a lot of them. For instance, I can only get so hungry before I finally say "fuck it" and eat, even if I'm waiting for someone, or trying to wait for healthier foods that are on their way.

I can only deal with my slowly growing head pains before I finally take some Excedrin and let it do it's magic.

I can only walk and stand for so long before I sit my ass down and refuse to move, no matter what we're doing or where we are.

After hitting this point, I become very unpleasant. Generally hostile, and even if I try to act happier, I'll still snap at people and my unhappiness will eventually show.

Last night, there were 6 bands playing, 4 openers and 2 headliners. I was tired already, I had a long day at work, I was on my feet the whole time and I had a lot of trouble getting to sleep the night before. I was already damn close to my breaking point in more ways than one. Add onto that the fact that I had to sit through 4 bands that I've never heard of, and I was an unpleasant person.

By midnight, when Future Leaders of the World started, I said "fuck it" and Brandon walked me out to the car so I could try to sleep. At 1, Flaw started, and the show didn't end until 2 in the morning. I spent 2 hours trying to sleep in the car. It's uncomfortable, and cold, and I have trouble sleeping in public places, especially on a side of Fort Wayne that I'm not familiar with.

So as soon as everyone started to leave, I was a bit anxious to go home and lay in a nice warm bed and get my good nights sleep that I'd been waiting for. And I sat and waited and sat and waited for 30 minutes before Brandon got out to the car so we could leave. He bought a shirt and was looking on the ground for a guitar pick. I get that he loves the band, and that it's his thing, but why the fuck would he think that it was okay to spend 30 minutes searching the floor for shit? It was a SMALL club, and the floor area in front of the stage was tiny.

I was anxious as fuck to get out. So we drove home in silence, because he made me wait that long, and couldn't understand why I was unhappy. I get that guitar picks and other crap is important to him, but when we go places together, it's about BOTH of us being happy. I was okay with sitting in the car for 2 hours so that he could see Flaw play, even though I would normally just go home. So what he could have given up for me was loitering and trying to find shit on the ground so that I could get to bed.

We spent the remainder of the night in silence, because I knew if I started talking I'd say something to make him mad. When we got to his house, I went to bed without a word beyond good night.

Once I had my sleep, even with the headache from being out too late, I scooted over and gave him a hug while he slept.

Now, to brighten this whole thing up, here's a picture of me at Khol's with a Giant Clothes Pin and Paper Clip :D