the Nothing Muches and THAT SONG

I'm getting my left ear pierced two more times tomorrow. I'd do double piercing, but Wal-mart ruined my first piercing. Brandon re-did it almost perfectly, but now I have an extra hole in my right ear that's too close to the fix-up for me to get another piercing matching it on the other side.

I'm going to gage the second one up to either a 2 or a 6... and the 3rd to a 4 or 6 (depending on what I make the second)

Perhaps I'll gage the mess up in my right ear to an 8 or something and keep a cute little taper in it.



On another note, I've been watching Sex and the City whenever it's on. It's such a good show. Seriously. And Americas Next Top Model is on and I'm DYING OF HAPPINESS!

going to the Zoo Sunday I think, if things are going okay. Looking for a new guy. Being alone is gay. For realz.

<3
S

Ps, it's Ironic that THAT DAMN OFSPRING SONG plays the moment I begin to drive away from you. FUCKING SONG.

anxiety

I feel so anxious right now. Brandon got himself in trouble ): I hope everything is okay. I'm just freaking out a little. I don't want anything bad to happen to him. Seriously. How can throwing trash in a stores dumpster be a FELONY. Seriously? MURDER is a felony, not throwing trash in a fucking dumpster.

Seriously. How messed up is the world where that's considered a felony. They made him take his trash out and apologize to the businesses. He didn't fucking know it was wrong, just give him a warning, right? If someone is caught going 10 over the speed limit they could get off with a warning, even though they usually are well aware that they're speeding, they just didn't know they'd get caught.

It's bullshit and I hope they aren't going to do anything bad to him for it. I can't lose him again to jail. He's my only damn friend in Decatur, and the last thing he needs is to be more isolated. Poor guy. Things just don't work for him.

an hour and 15 minutes before I go see him :( I hope he's okay. I'm really really worried.

<3
S

My head kinda hurts. going to bed soon cuz I think I'm just really tired.

I'm going to go in and get my one ear pierced two more times... sometime next week.

Stayed with Brandon last night so that he didn't have to be alone, and wouldn't end up with one of his friends and go out doing something stupid that would get him put back in jail.

There's bugs in my OJ and I still don't have my own room, but Jacob is at Purdue now so I have the room to myself. Just makes me feel more alone.

sleep time now.

<3
S

not my home, betch

I feel very unproductive. I haven't done anything since I got back here. I've been looking at how to make things. It's nice to think about, but I already have all those things for hemp necklaces that I'm no longer using. I want to make wool dreads. and sew, and play piano and draw and photograph and get off my ass and do something. But there's nothing I really want to do while sitting in my brothers room. Everything I CAN do will just make a big mess anyway. I want a fucking room in this house. This isn't my home right now, it's a fucking place where I sit and live.

I just need my own space, my own area to be alone and do shit that makes me not feel like a counterproductive piece of shit.

Being back is the worst thing I've ever experienced. I hate it here.

<3
s

My Tarot Card and "Just Friends"

The Hanged Man
This card denotes the need to look at your current situation from a different perspective. The Hanged Man creates change by acting passively and accepting fate. By surrendering control and making yourself vulnerable, you will facilitate change in your life. In order to see the bigger picture, you will need to take a step back.





Oh, Daily Tarot, how right you are. My question? Should Brandon and I become just friends. I don't want to. It hurts me to think of us as nothing more. I step back. I think... I don't have too many friends here in Decatur. We don't seem to work out too well as a couple even though I love him to death. We get along well though, and like to go out and do a lot of the same things that I have no one else to do with. Maybe we can work out like this. Long term, I think we could be great friends once we learn to be just friends (which, we're doing okay on)...

I'm making him a runic protection necklace. He's terrified of ghosts. It's cute.

So, I guess I should go out and get back into the dating game. . . yeah... I don't want to, I want to hope things change, but they won't and I'm gonna accept that. Thank you daily tarot.

<3
S

Liars and Cheaters

Oh, the fight. Can you really blame me for confiding in my brother? Had I not talked to someone about it I would have exploded and there aren't many people left for me to talk to. I couldn't wait for several hours to talk to someone if it's only through IM. My brother is the only person here that I can trust or that I even WANT to talk to.

But go ahead, try to turn it around. It's not like I don't see what you were trying to accomplish, but you completely failed, whereas I revealed lies that you told me, even if you still deny the original accusation.

Are you ignoring me still? Or have you just not gotten out of bed yet? I fail to see how you can be angry at me for talking to my own brother when I was upset. Just because you don't speak of our relationship to ANYONE in ANYWAY doesn't mean that's how I should be too. I was proud to have you for a boyfriend. You don't hide you love, no matter what the situation. It's a lie of omission in a way. It's really up to my brother to decide whether or not he likes you. You two never hung out even after I said it was okay with me, I even told him that you wanted to hang out but he made up his mind by himself.

Besides, who are you more concerned about receiving affection from, me, the girl you were with for a year, or my family. It seems like you'd prefer to have my brother and sister and mother to like you than me. Family is a bit of a package deal, unfortunately for you. At work my mom has to treat you the same, but that doesn't mean she doesn't think less of you for everything. If you want people to love and care about you try to not fuck them over or lie to them. My mom even knows a few times where you lied to her. I didn't even tell her about it.

Don't lie. It's really that simple. Don't lie, never lie. It only ends up fucking you over. I learned that before grade school, it's about time you did too.

The heart wants what the heart wants

I haven't blogged in a while. Mostly because my thoughts have been so painfully scrambled and jumbled that I couldn't really put them into decent legible sentences. my G key is also still acting funny, but my word checker usually catches it so I'm not worried.

I bought about $30 worth of sharpies the other day. I'm considering buying more online, the ones you can only get online. I'm fucking bored and I don't have shit to do. I finally found my flat iron and hair brush though.

I feel used and taken advantage of. We said "time apart" but see eachother daily. He doesn't know if he wants to be with me but he still says "I love you" and hugs me good bye. He keeps bringing up that I'm the one that broke up with him so it's my fault that he doesn't know and he still refuses to admit that he cheated (which, I found out that only 7% of men will, even if the evidence all points to it. You'd have to catch them in bed with the other girl)... I think he just wants to be clean of guilt or blame if he's caught sleeping with other girls right now, because he can say that it's time apart, and it's not HIS fault I wanted to spend time with him and it's not HIS fault the we took the time off (even though it was his sugestion) and if I had never broken up with him things would have been fine (even though thats when I found out that he didn't really like me living with him and wanted me to spend more time away and said he decided that he didn't want to move to Indy, and had we never broken up I would have never found out about this.

He's either using me or doesn't have the balls to break up with me. If I thought we could just be friends then I would love that, but the sexual tension builds up between us fast, and friends don't kiss or make out.

I'm pretty lost about what to do, but I'm just going to keep going with the flow unless something happens.

<3
S

my fortune

Saturday, April 11
The Devil
The Devil represents wild behaviour and reckless abandon. This is a card synonymous with temptation and addiction. At its worst, this card embodies evil, but at its best represents ambition, impulsiveness and pure devotion. You should be acutely aware of the destructive influences in your life and gather the strength to overcome them.


This is yesterday's tarot card. :'(

Sunday, April 12
The Star
The Star represents hope and optimism and the arrival of unexpected help. Now is the time to strive for goals that at one time seemed unattainable. Nothing is out of your reach now, so do not hold back. While the Star does not predict any immediate change, it does represent the limitless possibilities that life has to offer.


todays....

Monday, April 13
The Wheel of Fortune
The Wheel of Fortune deals with the unpredictable situations in life. Your path in life takes many detours, often directed by forces and events beyond your control. This card represents change in your life, so be ready for unexpected challenges to come your way. This card usually denotes that good luck is coming your way.


tomorrows.

): I don't look to tarot/horoscopes/future telling devices for my day to day life, but in my harder situations it's always pretty right on. at least good luck is coming on monday right?

Shores of California

All I want right now is to go to town and be with Brandon and try to pretend that nothing is wrong.

It's awful. I full heartedly thought he was the one. I thought we really might last. I don't think I've ever been so sure of something before no. I'm not one to be off in an imaginary world. I try to be pretty tongue and cheek realistic. with myself. I thought things were good. Everything was very normal and happy that morning and all the time before it. I felt really good. I felt like all I needed was our love and I would be okay. Normally you can sense that a relationship is going to go sour before it happens. It's so sudden.

I know I shouldn't be talking to him, and I should forget him and move on, but I can't help but keep talking to him. I tried to take the picture of us in his room and he wouldn't let me. He said he still loved me and wouldn't let me take it away from him.

Why would someone fight so hard to keep someone if they were cheating? I'm not doubting it's possibility I'm just saying it's stupid. Brandon's not exactly logical, but if he were telling someone that he thought I was mean and that he wanted to leave me then why is he still texting me and trying to get me to move back in? I don't get it. He even texted me first, saying he was empty and alone without me there.

I know I should just say "fuck you" and leave him, but I can't. I guess it's not even that I can't. I don't want to.

idk. I'll see how things work out. I really don't want to be here (my parents house) but I'm poor. Brandon reccomended the pay based houseing. I'm considering it, or the appartments on second street. I think some were up for rent. I'm getting about 200 a check... 400 a month is really not that much, esspecially when I also need money for food and gas and utilities. if I start getting $300 a check I would probably be okay with $400 a month for rent I think. I'll still have $200 for bills and food and gas, and I can walk right? Maybe I'll be okay. idk.

I found out how to make my cd playing in my car work. I know that seems really trivial considering whats going on, but I can listen to the Dresden Dolls while I drive and it's good music for break-ups (or, any occasion) But really, now that I listen, a lot of them double as break-up songs regardless of it's actually intention. It makes me feel a bit better.

<3
S

I'm so confused. kinda heart broken. I don't have anyone to talk about it with. I don't know if I should cry or apologize and forget about everything and just pretend to be happy or pack up and go home. Either be alone and where I want or be stuck with a companion.

Maybe it really is just time. Maybe relationships just have an expiration date. It just feels too wrong to walk away though. Even when I was angry I just wanted him to swear to be better and say that he loved me and it was okay. I didn't think it'd be the day where everything fucked up. I honestly thought things were going to be okay after we talked about it. I just wanted us to be together. I don't want to go home tonight. I thought I'd have a reply from him by now and I just realized that it's only been 30 minutes.

But I can't help but feel betrayed after all I did for him. I didn't need anything but love and faithfulness in return. I saw him every day on his break while he was in jail. I trusted him... But I haven't seen any proof with my own eyes, but I also trust Rachel and Tonya. Maybe I really can't trust anyone. Not Brandon, not my family or friends or co-workers. It seems like everyone just wants to manipulate me. Or maybe just Him. I don't even know anymore. I just wish he's text me his response. I swear I could break down and cry right now in taco bell but I'm too good at holding my emotions back.

Maybe my brother will come talk to me. I just need someone to talk to.

<3
s

I'm Not at Taco Bell

I don't even remember when the last time I blogged was.

I found my piano book the other day and have nearly re-learned everything I could do when I last played. I don't like playing cheesey beginner music, but I only know 3 chords so I suppose I'll deal with it until I get a bit better. Once I can actually play I'm getting the Dresden Dolls companion (or, maybe the Virginia companion, possible the sheet music for WKAP) and playing some music that I actually like.

I'm at my parents house. Brandon is showering and I'm out here on my laptop waiting for my turn. The TV is on and it's just weird. I haven't watched tv in forever. A few movies and some seasons of various TV shows, but not actual TV. I honestly think it's something I'm going to do away with except on rare occasions. I cope better without TV than I do without internet.

): seriously though, Brandon takes longer to shower than most girls. There had better be warm water when I take my shower. That's the whole reason we're here.

Jacob payed me the $100 for my bass :D and I got my tax check and used it to buy Pokemon Platinum. I've become re-addicted. I'm going to the mall on sunday too, so I can get socks. ): All of mine have dissappeared.

<3
s