"Your attitude is evidence of everything this blog is about: you are racist not because you are prejudice against blacks, but because you don’t even realize that you are and are not willing to learn to recognize that you are and that everyone and everything else is as well, whether they realize it or not. You are like white people who are nice to blacks and think it is simply because you are a nice person, when really, you are only being nice to them so you can congratulate yourself by telling yourself that were nice to them just because you are nice and that you are not racist when you really are racist and were only nice to them so you could keep believing that you aren’t."
The fuck? So, I'm only nice to black people so I can congratulate myself on how racist I'm not... That's why I'm nice to white people too, right? because I'm racist and like white people more. Couldn't possibly be that I like being nice to all people because I feel it gives you better results in life. I must be unknowingly racist. Clearly the fact that I don't see racism everywhere in everything means I'm racist.
I'm also a feminist, and whenever I think I could possibly be seeing sexism in something, I ask myself a series of questions about it and usually determine I'm just in the defensive mindset, because a girl in a movie being blond or pretty isn't sexist. To imply so would be to imply that being either of those things (born or otherwise) was wrong and I couldn't take myself seriously as a feminist if I believed that. The "you have what society considers the most desirable _______ so you're a part of the problem" attitude seems kinda shallowly thought out. You DON'T choose how you were born, and if you choose to change it then it's a freedom of their choice.
I think people are confusing white-liberal-guilt with being liberal and understanding that it's everyone's right to feel however they want (view things however they want; racist, sexist, or any other -ist) but no one else has to feel that way. Some liberal people may have lots of white-guilt baggage, however I think it's safe to say that I hate everyone fairly equally. I don't pat myself on the back every time I'm nice to a black customer at work, because I don't care what color they are as long as they know how to order their food. The only time I'm going, "GOOD JOB, SELF! You didn't murder someone," is when I'm dealing with idiots, who come in any range of color and class. (Oh wait, saying that means I'm implying that I'm "colorblind" which also makes me racist. I forgot.) I suppose I'm also racist for 'implying that I interact with black people only at work and therefor only when forced to." Right? Do I get it now? Or could it possibly be that I don't make a point to talk to anyone on a regular basis unless they show interest in talking to me first because I'm just as happy doing whatever else by myself.
XoXo,
a big raging racist.
October 26, 2011
Just a few thoughts I've had
lol at the fact that so many people talk about "white people" as if someone's skin color says anything about them (besides what color their skin is, obviously.)
I don't throw all black or brown people into little "skin color" boxes, and recognize them for whatever nationality, culture or ethnicity they choose to identify as. Skin color is a description, not a title, nationality or race.
Remember that next time you talk about what "white people" did. You should probably specifically refer to what nationality they were, considering there are people with white skin within minorities and not all white European people took part in every racial fuck-up.
It doesn't really offend me, but it is definitely getting on my nerves. I was born with white skin in a world where white privilege exists. It wasn't my choice and I wish we could try to find some sort of balance for everyone, but I'll be damned if you tell me about who I am (or what I've done) because of what color I am.
XoXo,
S
(ps, being "colorblind" isn't wrong. Being "culture blind" is. I can see all people of all colors without making associates based on the tone of their skin without disregarding they way others may perceive them and without denying that they're currently in unequal footing. What's wrong is being completely blind to where someone is from. THAT is a part of who they are.)
I don't throw all black or brown people into little "skin color" boxes, and recognize them for whatever nationality, culture or ethnicity they choose to identify as. Skin color is a description, not a title, nationality or race.
Remember that next time you talk about what "white people" did. You should probably specifically refer to what nationality they were, considering there are people with white skin within minorities and not all white European people took part in every racial fuck-up.
It doesn't really offend me, but it is definitely getting on my nerves. I was born with white skin in a world where white privilege exists. It wasn't my choice and I wish we could try to find some sort of balance for everyone, but I'll be damned if you tell me about who I am (or what I've done) because of what color I am.
XoXo,
S
(ps, being "colorblind" isn't wrong. Being "culture blind" is. I can see all people of all colors without making associates based on the tone of their skin without disregarding they way others may perceive them and without denying that they're currently in unequal footing. What's wrong is being completely blind to where someone is from. THAT is a part of who they are.)
October 14, 2011
anti-choice
I think my main problem with pro-life people is how black and white they view all situations.
For one, I'm pretty sure the government doesn't fund abortion anyway. They may give money to planned parenthood, but planned parenthood does a hell of a lot more than giving abortions. STD testing should be inexpensive and easily available for anyone who wants or needs it. Even with government help it's still not free, either. Just affordable. They also provide birth control. I don't know anyone who started birth control strictly for it's ability to prevent pregnancy. Most of the people I knew started it because they needed some sort of regulation with the period. The prevention of pregnancy was just a plus. Whenever I'm curled in bed with cramps and feeling too sick to move I wish I had the $7 it takes to get on the pill because I shouldn't have to lose out on 3 days of ever month because my body doesn't function the way it should. (my period is longer than that, those are just my cramp days.)
But it also gets to me when they're going "derp, I don't care if they were raped or if it was an incest baby! I especially don't care if the mother will die from carrying it! no abortions!!1" Apparently because it's HER problem and the child that can't feel and it's capable of living yet isn't the problem (even though obviously if the thing is attached to the fallopian tube it kinda is the problem. Why should a woman die because her body isn't functioning in the way 'god' intended?) and that the government shouldn't throw a penny her way because of it.
But really, the fact that all these little bullshit things were brought up in conversation over a bill that was written to end government funded abortions makes me wonder where these people's heads are. What do any of the above opinions have to do with government funded abortions? It's just someone spewing out negativity and hate for the sake of showing how conservative they are.
Also related, if god has a plan for everyone and intended for that woman to be raped and to get pregnant (what a terrible dark situation, how can anyone make light of it and shrug off the suffering of someone but be so adamant about the value of an unborn life) maybe his only intentions for the unborn thing* was to be aborted. Maybe she's NOT playing god by aborting it. In it's own respect, declaring that it was meant to be born is playing god as well. You have to be careful about throwing around accusations that are a matter of personal opinion. Chances are they can be turned around and used against you.
Then, finally point, I'm sick of them throwing it in pro-choice people's face that their mother didn't have an abortion when she was pregnant with them, and that they "had the right to grow up to be an idiot" and how "ungrateful" they are that their mother did that. Um, no. Just no. I'm HAPPY my mother chose to keep me. The key word in that is CHOSE. I'm happy knowing that even though my mother could have aborted me, she CHOSE to keep me because she WANTED to. I wasn't brought into this world and raised by my biological parents because they had no other options, I'm here because I was wanted. If abortion was illegal, I'd definitely feel differently about my family and the environment I grew up in.
Everyone just needs to stop bringing so much hate into the world. I think one of the reasons I fall into the liberal category is simply because they don't care what personal restrictions you put on yourself. We don't care if you personally don't want an abortion or if you do pray in school. We really just want the freedom to decide if it's right for us or not. I think the understanding of freedom is that to a certain extent you should actually be allowed to choose what you do. If you can't it's really not being free.
XoXo,
S
*it's technically both an unborn baby and a cluster of cells/fetus/whatever. It all just depends on your personal perspective and I have the perspective of not giving a fuck what you think it is.
For one, I'm pretty sure the government doesn't fund abortion anyway. They may give money to planned parenthood, but planned parenthood does a hell of a lot more than giving abortions. STD testing should be inexpensive and easily available for anyone who wants or needs it. Even with government help it's still not free, either. Just affordable. They also provide birth control. I don't know anyone who started birth control strictly for it's ability to prevent pregnancy. Most of the people I knew started it because they needed some sort of regulation with the period. The prevention of pregnancy was just a plus. Whenever I'm curled in bed with cramps and feeling too sick to move I wish I had the $7 it takes to get on the pill because I shouldn't have to lose out on 3 days of ever month because my body doesn't function the way it should. (my period is longer than that, those are just my cramp days.)
But it also gets to me when they're going "derp, I don't care if they were raped or if it was an incest baby! I especially don't care if the mother will die from carrying it! no abortions!!1" Apparently because it's HER problem and the child that can't feel and it's capable of living yet isn't the problem (even though obviously if the thing is attached to the fallopian tube it kinda is the problem. Why should a woman die because her body isn't functioning in the way 'god' intended?) and that the government shouldn't throw a penny her way because of it.
But really, the fact that all these little bullshit things were brought up in conversation over a bill that was written to end government funded abortions makes me wonder where these people's heads are. What do any of the above opinions have to do with government funded abortions? It's just someone spewing out negativity and hate for the sake of showing how conservative they are.
Also related, if god has a plan for everyone and intended for that woman to be raped and to get pregnant (what a terrible dark situation, how can anyone make light of it and shrug off the suffering of someone but be so adamant about the value of an unborn life) maybe his only intentions for the unborn thing* was to be aborted. Maybe she's NOT playing god by aborting it. In it's own respect, declaring that it was meant to be born is playing god as well. You have to be careful about throwing around accusations that are a matter of personal opinion. Chances are they can be turned around and used against you.
Then, finally point, I'm sick of them throwing it in pro-choice people's face that their mother didn't have an abortion when she was pregnant with them, and that they "had the right to grow up to be an idiot" and how "ungrateful" they are that their mother did that. Um, no. Just no. I'm HAPPY my mother chose to keep me. The key word in that is CHOSE. I'm happy knowing that even though my mother could have aborted me, she CHOSE to keep me because she WANTED to. I wasn't brought into this world and raised by my biological parents because they had no other options, I'm here because I was wanted. If abortion was illegal, I'd definitely feel differently about my family and the environment I grew up in.
Everyone just needs to stop bringing so much hate into the world. I think one of the reasons I fall into the liberal category is simply because they don't care what personal restrictions you put on yourself. We don't care if you personally don't want an abortion or if you do pray in school. We really just want the freedom to decide if it's right for us or not. I think the understanding of freedom is that to a certain extent you should actually be allowed to choose what you do. If you can't it's really not being free.
XoXo,
S
*it's technically both an unborn baby and a cluster of cells/fetus/whatever. It all just depends on your personal perspective and I have the perspective of not giving a fuck what you think it is.
October 07, 2011
Ups
It's weird. I don't think I realized how stressed out I've been over money. For the last few weeks I've had headaches daily. I figured it was just allergies or me not getting enough water and food. Sometimes I probably could have done with a little more water, and some days I did spend excessive amounts of time outside...
Yesterday, I realized I had double what I expected in my Crayon bank. When I got my school money I slipped a $50 into it with the change because I knew I wouldn't touch it until it was an emergency. I didn't touch it until my bank account was nearly 0. Best part? when I popped the bottom off and fished out the bills in the sea of pennies I found that I din't just put a 50 in there, I put a 50 wrapped in a 50, a 10 and two ones. :) I know the exact reason I did so was so that the fear and anxiety of almost being broke would scare me into being smart about my last $100. I also knew I'd forget. I love myself sometimes.
Then on my way home from school yesterday I figured I was so close to Wendy's that I may as well stop in and ask for my job back. My brother starts there Sunday as a manager so I figured I'd at least have that to look forward to as far as the environment went. The whole thing is so love hate with me, but I need a paycheck and me and my brother work together fabulously. She was more than happy to give me hours since she never terminated me officially :) I have a job. I'm EMPLOYED again. I don't intend to work the hours I used to, or the same shifts. I'm getting good grades and I'll be volunteering soon. I need to be spending about 12 hours a week volunteering, going to school full time, doing homework, taking care of my responsibilities as the secretary to two clubs and still getting shit done with my life. I don't have 35 hours to dedicate to Wendy's every week anymore. If I can pay my phone bill, help out with my car, get gas and still have a bit left over for whatever else I'll be doing grand.
Finally, yesterday was my birthday. I'm 22. Even though I feel old and I feel like I should have done so much more so much sooner, I got monies for my birthday and spent time with my dad and brother.
What point am I trying to make? All those things happening, despite some issues I had yesterday, have put me in a great mood. Now that I'm in this great mood I don't have a headache when I normally would. I've drank and ate just as little, but feel completely different.
Even at 22, life is a big crazy roller-coaster of emotions. I don't know if I mind, but it's interesting to think about if nothing else.
XoXo,
S
Yesterday, I realized I had double what I expected in my Crayon bank. When I got my school money I slipped a $50 into it with the change because I knew I wouldn't touch it until it was an emergency. I didn't touch it until my bank account was nearly 0. Best part? when I popped the bottom off and fished out the bills in the sea of pennies I found that I din't just put a 50 in there, I put a 50 wrapped in a 50, a 10 and two ones. :) I know the exact reason I did so was so that the fear and anxiety of almost being broke would scare me into being smart about my last $100. I also knew I'd forget. I love myself sometimes.
Then on my way home from school yesterday I figured I was so close to Wendy's that I may as well stop in and ask for my job back. My brother starts there Sunday as a manager so I figured I'd at least have that to look forward to as far as the environment went. The whole thing is so love hate with me, but I need a paycheck and me and my brother work together fabulously. She was more than happy to give me hours since she never terminated me officially :) I have a job. I'm EMPLOYED again. I don't intend to work the hours I used to, or the same shifts. I'm getting good grades and I'll be volunteering soon. I need to be spending about 12 hours a week volunteering, going to school full time, doing homework, taking care of my responsibilities as the secretary to two clubs and still getting shit done with my life. I don't have 35 hours to dedicate to Wendy's every week anymore. If I can pay my phone bill, help out with my car, get gas and still have a bit left over for whatever else I'll be doing grand.
Finally, yesterday was my birthday. I'm 22. Even though I feel old and I feel like I should have done so much more so much sooner, I got monies for my birthday and spent time with my dad and brother.
What point am I trying to make? All those things happening, despite some issues I had yesterday, have put me in a great mood. Now that I'm in this great mood I don't have a headache when I normally would. I've drank and ate just as little, but feel completely different.
Even at 22, life is a big crazy roller-coaster of emotions. I don't know if I mind, but it's interesting to think about if nothing else.
XoXo,
S
October 04, 2011
Politics and Children
Just a random childhood thought.
When I was in elemiddleschool (10 years at the same school tends to make the years bleed together. Late elementary, early middle) I was told by my teacher that whoever was president at the time supported killing babies. I think it was Clinton, actually. Since I'm only 21, and Bush was the president through high school and middle school... Actually that means it WAS elementary school. Probably in computer class since I think it was my 8th grade teacher saying it. Is Clinton a Republican? or was that Bush? Fuck, I don't even care.
ANYWAY. My parents were talking about the president and I brought this up, asking why we'd have a president who supported killing babies. My dad got really upset with the school over it, since it was a pricey private school and they weren't paying them all that money to harm my young impressionable mind with their own personal political beliefs (sadly, as a parochial school they WERE allowed to shove religion on me.) I didn't understand why my dad was so upset since obviously killing babies is bad.
Unfortunately my young impressionable mind didn't understand that by "killing babies" my teacher meant "supports abortion." I would have agreed at the time since I was a good little god-fearer, but looking back on the whole thing I realize how it must feel to be a parent and have your kid spouting off bullshit about something that was clearly not explained to them properly and not taught in a manner that allowed them to form their own opinion. I get it now. And I'm kinda pissed that my teacher said it too.
Just thought I'd share the thought, since I haven't had many post that don't revolve around me having a pity party for myself (free drinks, everyone is invited.)
XoXo,
S
When I was in elemiddleschool (10 years at the same school tends to make the years bleed together. Late elementary, early middle) I was told by my teacher that whoever was president at the time supported killing babies. I think it was Clinton, actually. Since I'm only 21, and Bush was the president through high school and middle school... Actually that means it WAS elementary school. Probably in computer class since I think it was my 8th grade teacher saying it. Is Clinton a Republican? or was that Bush? Fuck, I don't even care.
ANYWAY. My parents were talking about the president and I brought this up, asking why we'd have a president who supported killing babies. My dad got really upset with the school over it, since it was a pricey private school and they weren't paying them all that money to harm my young impressionable mind with their own personal political beliefs (sadly, as a parochial school they WERE allowed to shove religion on me.) I didn't understand why my dad was so upset since obviously killing babies is bad.
Unfortunately my young impressionable mind didn't understand that by "killing babies" my teacher meant "supports abortion." I would have agreed at the time since I was a good little god-fearer, but looking back on the whole thing I realize how it must feel to be a parent and have your kid spouting off bullshit about something that was clearly not explained to them properly and not taught in a manner that allowed them to form their own opinion. I get it now. And I'm kinda pissed that my teacher said it too.
Just thought I'd share the thought, since I haven't had many post that don't revolve around me having a pity party for myself (free drinks, everyone is invited.)
XoXo,
S
October 03, 2011
The Doctor
On a more factual note, I really have been feeling depressed lately, and it really does highlight the fact that I have shitty friends. But I haven't really cared much for them for a while now, being shitty and all.
I spend most of my day sleeping. Most of my waking time doing homework because I don't want to let my brain sit for too long on it's own because it just makes it all worse. I actually finished my Algebra homework on Saturday, and did my Composition homework yesterday while it was still daylight out. I still need to finish my drawing, but after I get the mouth and teeth finished it's just work with shading from there. And the hair.
How do you make friends when one of your classes is a bunch of really annoying freshmen, the other involves no talking at all, and the third is filled with cool people that you don't have a chance to talk to because it requires so much concentration that no one WANTS to talk. I have no job. I have no money. I don't get to enjoy the free things in life, like long walks and good conversation. I get the walks, but the conversations always lead to arguments that I'm not emotionally equipped to deal with right now.
I think I'm at an odd transition, between the person I want to be and a mature adult. I don't enjoy the change. I don't want it. So I stop it and everyone gets mad. I don't really enjoy anything anymore. I don't like other's company, I don't want to be on facebook, I don't want to be an artist, I don't want to go shopping with people, and I don't like being in relationships. What's really left besides the excitement of watching a new episode of Doctor Who on the weekend (except last night was the series finale, and there won't be another episode until Christmas). Which is often times ruined by my significant other who, instead of letting me enjoy the range of emotions I'm finally able to feel while I watch, will distract me and annoy me and basically do everything in his power to take the focus away from me.
It's nice knowing you still have the ability to care and feel, you know? I like getting to feel every now and then, even if most of what I feel is heart wrenching pain.
Fuck, I love Doctor Who.
XoXo,
S
I spend most of my day sleeping. Most of my waking time doing homework because I don't want to let my brain sit for too long on it's own because it just makes it all worse. I actually finished my Algebra homework on Saturday, and did my Composition homework yesterday while it was still daylight out. I still need to finish my drawing, but after I get the mouth and teeth finished it's just work with shading from there. And the hair.
How do you make friends when one of your classes is a bunch of really annoying freshmen, the other involves no talking at all, and the third is filled with cool people that you don't have a chance to talk to because it requires so much concentration that no one WANTS to talk. I have no job. I have no money. I don't get to enjoy the free things in life, like long walks and good conversation. I get the walks, but the conversations always lead to arguments that I'm not emotionally equipped to deal with right now.
I think I'm at an odd transition, between the person I want to be and a mature adult. I don't enjoy the change. I don't want it. So I stop it and everyone gets mad. I don't really enjoy anything anymore. I don't like other's company, I don't want to be on facebook, I don't want to be an artist, I don't want to go shopping with people, and I don't like being in relationships. What's really left besides the excitement of watching a new episode of Doctor Who on the weekend (except last night was the series finale, and there won't be another episode until Christmas). Which is often times ruined by my significant other who, instead of letting me enjoy the range of emotions I'm finally able to feel while I watch, will distract me and annoy me and basically do everything in his power to take the focus away from me.
It's nice knowing you still have the ability to care and feel, you know? I like getting to feel every now and then, even if most of what I feel is heart wrenching pain.
Fuck, I love Doctor Who.
XoXo,
S
Fuck Yeah.
Sometimes I feel really depressed and lonely when I think about how none of my friends really care about me. And how basically every friend I've ever had has failed to make an effort to be there for me when it stops being easy.
Then I remember that I fucking hate all those people.
XoXo,
S
Then I remember that I fucking hate all those people.
XoXo,
S
October 01, 2011
Keep the implications of myself off your facebook status.
Don't build up walls and expect no one to see them. :\ It's a big fucking wall. No one is so blind that they won't see a big fucking wall.
You don't treat someone badly, or imply that there's something wrong with someone just because they see through you. Guess what? I'm not "fake." I've never accused anyone of being fake for putting up a front, even if the very act means projecting a false idea of yourself onto others to protect yourself. I've never implied anyone who needed help was weak or stupid.
Basically, you go through all the trouble of making barriers and pretending things are fine which ultimately shows that you have admitted to yourself that you may need someone to help you through whatever you're facing. Meaning you want someone to notice. But the person who notices first isn't the person you want it to be so you're mad at them and think they're a bitch because of it? Isn't this the same problem you had with me 4 years ago? The same reason that when we were at odds with each other the last few years I knew what it was that could hurt you?
I don't speak badly against others. We all have our own lives to worry about and live. Before you make assumptions about ME and try to start something with ME, remember that I'm not the one who hurt you, I'm the one who saw that you were hurting when you lied to the rest of the world and said you were fine.
Words for thought.
XoXo,
S
You don't treat someone badly, or imply that there's something wrong with someone just because they see through you. Guess what? I'm not "fake." I've never accused anyone of being fake for putting up a front, even if the very act means projecting a false idea of yourself onto others to protect yourself. I've never implied anyone who needed help was weak or stupid.
Basically, you go through all the trouble of making barriers and pretending things are fine which ultimately shows that you have admitted to yourself that you may need someone to help you through whatever you're facing. Meaning you want someone to notice. But the person who notices first isn't the person you want it to be so you're mad at them and think they're a bitch because of it? Isn't this the same problem you had with me 4 years ago? The same reason that when we were at odds with each other the last few years I knew what it was that could hurt you?
I don't speak badly against others. We all have our own lives to worry about and live. Before you make assumptions about ME and try to start something with ME, remember that I'm not the one who hurt you, I'm the one who saw that you were hurting when you lied to the rest of the world and said you were fine.
Words for thought.
XoXo,
S
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