Every time I try to move my life forward, something holds me back. mostly it's money. Sometimes it's people. Sometimes it's people I rely on because THEY don't have the money or feel too good to do something we planned on doing. (Like how I was told I could have friends over once we move into an apartment, since I'm never allowed to go out without HIM... And then today I'm told "well... I really don't want people using my furniture and ruining it. It's really nice and expensive furniture." (because apparently a couches main purpose isn't to be sat it. It's to look pretty in the room. The more you spend, the less durable it is. right. [really, I know it's just more of this "your friends are trying to get you to break uuuuup" shit. The people I know didn't give a shit that I was dating him until he stopped me from going to see anyone EVER. And now they're just annoyed. they still don't actually care.])
Maybe I feel kinda sick because I haven't been eating more than once a day. We can't afford to. I only make $600 a month. Add gas costs, and car payments, and then food for two. Not just food for too, eating out. Because even when we have food some people just don't feel like eating it. Either eat the ramen we got or go fuck yourself because I can't afford another trip to mcdonald's when you can't lower yourself to eating strictly off the dollar menu.
Maybe I feel sick because I work late at my job every night, because those are the hours I'm scheduled and those are the hours I like. I'd rather be up til 4 am, and sleep til 11. I'm comfortable at those hours. Those hours make me happy. HOWEVER, for some reason though, my non-conventional hours must mean I'm lazy, and clearly I should have to wake up at 8am because HE does, even if I was at work til 2 a.m. and up til 4 getting other things taken care of. My schedule should clearly revolve around his.
Maybe it's because every time we go to the mall just to get out of the house, and I see something pretty or something I like and say "this is pretty. I like this," I'm told to buy it. Forcing me to say "no, I can't afford it right now." which for some reason is clearly the equivalent of me scream to the whole store that I'm poor? Clearly. Maybe it's just the fact that I am poor? WE are poor. WE don't have money for it. If that bothers you so much, stop telling me to buy things. If it embarrasses you that the only way to get you to shut up about buying something is for me to say I can't afford it, stop telling me to buy shit. We can't afford it. I'm not ashamed. We're still in a recession. A lot of people can't afford to drive to the mall to look at things they can't have. So what if you used to be able to spend money like it was nothing. I know it hurts to hear it, but shits not like that anymore. Leave me and my shitty job alone or go fuck yourself, because it's all we have. I cherish my job every shitty hour I have to work with every jackass who comes in and every day I have to work with the managers I don't like. Because I have a job. I have some money. I occasionally get to splurge on clothes, and most of all because some people would give anything to get a job that gives them as many hours as mine does, and I only get 25-30 a week.
OR maybe I feel sick because of the stupidity of the question "why would a guy want to be friends with you if he knew you had a boyfriend." Geez, idk, to be friends? I fucking guess that guys only want to screw you. Fuck friendship. If anything, that speaks more for YOUR personal beliefs than others. Why are YOU friends with a few girls if you think the only reason a guy wants to be a girls friend is to fuck her? Exactly. So shut the fuck up, you hypocritical jack ass.
My happiness> anything else. Screw your happiness when it involves taking away from mine. Screw what you want if it means me never having what I want. And when you don't like the clothes I'm wearing you can, of course, go fuck yourself, because you don't fit the ideal I have about what attractive men should wear. I knew that when I got involved and accepted that. I was pretty deep into a grunge/punk phase when we started dating. I'm wearing a fucking pink shirt today, and white heart shaped glasses. My fashion changes a lot. You don't like any of it unless you picked it all out for me like a parent laying it's kids clothes out for school. Go fuck yourself. Relationships ARE about compromise, but compromise doesn't mean 100% one persons way or the others. It means everyone suffers. If I start wearing the hideous shit you pick out for me (that looks like something a 40 year old business woman would wear. barf.) then you can start strictly shopping at hot topic, because I think guys in tighter pants and black band shirts are hot. If I can't get anymore tattoos, you HAVE to get some. And I have to pick them, of course. Since I guess we're shaping each other to fit our own visual standards in a partner.
XoXo,
Go fuck yourself,
S
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