The fact that a connection was made almost made me cry, because I listened to The Bed Song for the first time a few days before writing it and it made me cry for a good a few minutes. I was driving so that's kind of a record for crying over a song. And I guess that's inevitably why I wrote the post.
Anywho. I'm writing this to remember I need to buy a teasing comb and thicker more wide-toothed comb than my rat-tail combs. I'm determined to get my damn mohawk up. Fuck you, mohawk. You're my gateway drug to freedom and you damn well better allow me my freedom.
My hospital bill A will be paid off this Friday when the collection agency takes out the final payment from my bank account. I'm already payed December and January's payment on hospital bill B. That (if I'm doing my math correctly) leaves ONE payment of $50 and it'll be gone forever. It took me a year. But it'll be gone and all that'll be left is an inch long scar on my right index fingertip that can't feel texture very well anymore and an added bit of anxiety around dogs. I almost wrote dongs. That's hilarious.
Then, the FedLoan people erased my current debt. I'm no longer 2 months behind on my payments, and I won't have to make payments until February, by which time I'll find out if my request to lower my monthly payment was accepted. Anything less than $120/month would be lovely.
I'm starting to succeed at adulthood. And I've been a vegetarian for what, 2 weeks now? 3? I think it's only 2 but I've been doing decently. I even cut back on my pop intake. I had like 3 tonight, but it's the first I've drank in 3 or 4 days. I drank tea and water. Fuck hormone injected meats.
December 19, 2012
December 15, 2012
My opinions are offensive, and that's fine.
I've been feeling kinda sad, ya know? But I feel like being a social justice blogger. I was thinking about the suicide of a coworker. I have been for a good week now. But I've said all I can about it.
I just want to say, as far as Jenna Marbles "slut shaming" video goes.
We all have a definition of slut, whether we call them one or not. We all know that girl who will, without a doubt, try to sleep with just about any guy who smiles at them that isn't terrible to look at. Some don't even care if they're terrible to look at. Or if they smile or just roll their eyes. We all know at least one girl who feels accomplished for sleeping with that guy who's been in a relationship for a few years. The married man. The man who makes fun of her. The one who likes to get drunk and have sex* with strangers and possibly is in some really risky situations because of it. The ones who repeatedly partake in those behaviors despite being in what was agreed to be a monogamous relationship.
Those are sluts. It's their choice. They can do what they want. I'm not looking down on them for doing what they want, and what they do with their body isn't any of my business (despite getting gory details without asking). But that is a slut. Not a woman who partakes in casual sex. Not the one who's slept with an uncountable amount of guys. The one who partakes in risky business, disregards the emotions of those involved (when in a monogamous relationship) and makes it a point to have sex with whomever possible. Slut is a 4 letter word, but when Jenna is saying slut, she's just using the only word she knows of to describe said behavior.
Not every person who partakes in casual sex, cheats in a relationship, or engages in risky sexual behavior falls into the category of what she's saying. I can think of ONE girl who I feel is genuinely a slut. Or was, at least. I've know plenty who hook up, who get drunk and have sex, who've had one night stands and fuck buddies, and who've cheated on their significant other. None of them were sluts. Slut, despite negative meaning, is being used to describe those few people you meet in life who use sex as a form of self worth. If that's their cup of tea, great for them. She just doesn't get it, or get the shit they say (neither do I, sometimes).
Maybe these people will never decide that being in a relationship and only having sex with one person is great. There's a good chance they aren't the "sluts" she's talking about.
Slut shaming is a really serious topic. Slut shaming rarely has to do with women who are actually "sluts" and much more to do with shaming women for the simple act of having sex, whether it's with one person (but out of marriage, or without intent to have children), or dozens. Slut shaming is about telling a girl how many people they've probably had sex with based off of the clothes they wear, or their make-up. It's about the implication that a woman having sex is bad and wrong without having the same implications for men. That women having sex are immoral.
What this video ISN'T saying is that it's immoral. Just risky. Just questionable. Just for those few women who do, in fact, express their self worth by how many people the can sleep with. They are the minority of people called sluts. But those are who the video is about. If you can think of a less offensive word that describes this, then get it out there. If you say "woman" then I'll e-punch you in the face for not GETTING it. We use words to categorize people, their clothes, their beliefs and their behaviors. If you were to call me punk or goth (or fuck, even emo) I'd just nod my head and say "kinda, yeah." I'm an Agnostic Atheist. I'm white. "female" and "woman" are just two words to categorize you as 1) having a vagina or 2) feeling mentally to be that of a "woman" regardless of your physical sex.
We put people into categories to simplify our speech. It prevents us for having to describe that list of qualities every time we bring it up ("I sure do love those boys who wear lots of black, with the mohawks and dyed black hair and tattoos and spiky jewelry who listen to that one really rebellious genre of music." oh, you mean punk boys?) If I'm talking about people who believe in God and that Jesus came to save them from their sins, I'd just save my breath and say "Christian." If I'm talking about girls who endlessly partake in risky sexual behavior as stated multiple times above, I won't say slut because people will get really upset and I'm aware of this. What the hell do you want me to say when talking about things I don't understand with this tiny margin of sexually active people? What did you want her to say?
Maybe she just shouldn't have made the video. Sure. But she did, and we need to be honest with ourselves, the thing we find the most offensive isn't what she's actually saying, it's just the fact that she said "slut" and we don't like that word. That's fine, but don't put words into her mouth because of it. Don't read between lines that aren't there. Just say that the word slut is offensive and move on.
*why is it if 2 people get drunk and have sex it's rape, but only for the woman? Drunk people can't consent? So if they're both drunk then neither of them can consent then they both raped each other. If a drunk person isn't capable of so much as consenting to sex, how they can't be held responsible for determining whether or not the other person is also drunk, or more drunk? Drunk people can consent to sex. It's when a drunk person says "no" or has been drugged that it becomes rape. Regret afterwards has nothing to do with it. If one person is sober, then yes, it CAN be rape. It's in really bad judgement to have sex with a drunk person when you're sober. And it's in really bad taste. But when I'm drunk, I want sex. Whether or not I regret it in the morning doesn't determine if it was sex or rape.
XoXo,
S
I just want to say, as far as Jenna Marbles "slut shaming" video goes.
We all have a definition of slut, whether we call them one or not. We all know that girl who will, without a doubt, try to sleep with just about any guy who smiles at them that isn't terrible to look at. Some don't even care if they're terrible to look at. Or if they smile or just roll their eyes. We all know at least one girl who feels accomplished for sleeping with that guy who's been in a relationship for a few years. The married man. The man who makes fun of her. The one who likes to get drunk and have sex* with strangers and possibly is in some really risky situations because of it. The ones who repeatedly partake in those behaviors despite being in what was agreed to be a monogamous relationship.
Those are sluts. It's their choice. They can do what they want. I'm not looking down on them for doing what they want, and what they do with their body isn't any of my business (despite getting gory details without asking). But that is a slut. Not a woman who partakes in casual sex. Not the one who's slept with an uncountable amount of guys. The one who partakes in risky business, disregards the emotions of those involved (when in a monogamous relationship) and makes it a point to have sex with whomever possible. Slut is a 4 letter word, but when Jenna is saying slut, she's just using the only word she knows of to describe said behavior.
Not every person who partakes in casual sex, cheats in a relationship, or engages in risky sexual behavior falls into the category of what she's saying. I can think of ONE girl who I feel is genuinely a slut. Or was, at least. I've know plenty who hook up, who get drunk and have sex, who've had one night stands and fuck buddies, and who've cheated on their significant other. None of them were sluts. Slut, despite negative meaning, is being used to describe those few people you meet in life who use sex as a form of self worth. If that's their cup of tea, great for them. She just doesn't get it, or get the shit they say (neither do I, sometimes).
Maybe these people will never decide that being in a relationship and only having sex with one person is great. There's a good chance they aren't the "sluts" she's talking about.
Slut shaming is a really serious topic. Slut shaming rarely has to do with women who are actually "sluts" and much more to do with shaming women for the simple act of having sex, whether it's with one person (but out of marriage, or without intent to have children), or dozens. Slut shaming is about telling a girl how many people they've probably had sex with based off of the clothes they wear, or their make-up. It's about the implication that a woman having sex is bad and wrong without having the same implications for men. That women having sex are immoral.
What this video ISN'T saying is that it's immoral. Just risky. Just questionable. Just for those few women who do, in fact, express their self worth by how many people the can sleep with. They are the minority of people called sluts. But those are who the video is about. If you can think of a less offensive word that describes this, then get it out there. If you say "woman" then I'll e-punch you in the face for not GETTING it. We use words to categorize people, their clothes, their beliefs and their behaviors. If you were to call me punk or goth (or fuck, even emo) I'd just nod my head and say "kinda, yeah." I'm an Agnostic Atheist. I'm white. "female" and "woman" are just two words to categorize you as 1) having a vagina or 2) feeling mentally to be that of a "woman" regardless of your physical sex.
We put people into categories to simplify our speech. It prevents us for having to describe that list of qualities every time we bring it up ("I sure do love those boys who wear lots of black, with the mohawks and dyed black hair and tattoos and spiky jewelry who listen to that one really rebellious genre of music." oh, you mean punk boys?) If I'm talking about people who believe in God and that Jesus came to save them from their sins, I'd just save my breath and say "Christian." If I'm talking about girls who endlessly partake in risky sexual behavior as stated multiple times above, I won't say slut because people will get really upset and I'm aware of this. What the hell do you want me to say when talking about things I don't understand with this tiny margin of sexually active people? What did you want her to say?
Maybe she just shouldn't have made the video. Sure. But she did, and we need to be honest with ourselves, the thing we find the most offensive isn't what she's actually saying, it's just the fact that she said "slut" and we don't like that word. That's fine, but don't put words into her mouth because of it. Don't read between lines that aren't there. Just say that the word slut is offensive and move on.
*why is it if 2 people get drunk and have sex it's rape, but only for the woman? Drunk people can't consent? So if they're both drunk then neither of them can consent then they both raped each other. If a drunk person isn't capable of so much as consenting to sex, how they can't be held responsible for determining whether or not the other person is also drunk, or more drunk? Drunk people can consent to sex. It's when a drunk person says "no" or has been drugged that it becomes rape. Regret afterwards has nothing to do with it. If one person is sober, then yes, it CAN be rape. It's in really bad judgement to have sex with a drunk person when you're sober. And it's in really bad taste. But when I'm drunk, I want sex. Whether or not I regret it in the morning doesn't determine if it was sex or rape.
XoXo,
S
December 13, 2012
6 months with Jon
On New Years eve I met up with Jon downtown for the first time. He gave me the most warmest smile I'd felt the whole year. He took my hand and we walked through the cold just enjoying being with the other. When the new year started with fireworks he kissed me, and it was such a beautiful moment. It felt like the most effort anyone could ever go through to show they cared. We to his sister's place, and laid together on the futon in the basement listening to the Deftones and kissing and enjoying being in the presence of another who actually cared as much for you as you did for them.
The first night I spent with Jon at his new place we didn't have a bed. We laid together on the floor on top of a blanket covered by another because it was snowy and cold out. His laptop was propped up on a piece of a shelf that wasn't assembled. And we just laid there together not caring about the world.
When we moved into the little nook-room it was just me and him on a small bed that sat a good 4 feet from the ground. We laid together under the big blankets, my arms around him, our faces side by side watching movies on his laptop trying not to care about anything that was going wrong.
When I went to the hospital, I sat in the ER for 3 hours. He stayed for maybe 15 minutes. He hates hospitals. I was lonely and scared and I looked terrible, but he still came to see me so I smiled through the fear of being left alone and appreciated what I had.
When we moved into the basement off of Wells, the bed was like a cloud. We had furniture, and a place to put his laptop to watch all of our shows together. It had gotten warm, and even the basement was too hot. We didn't cuddle. The blankets were thrown aside. The extra space of the room was put between us.
We spent a lot of time at his sisters. Alternating between the small bed in the guest room, the larger bed in the larger guest room, and finally the futon in the basement where we spent our first night together ever. He sat in the garage playing his guitar and smoking and reading articles on the internet. I sat alone on my computer. We could both feel the distance growing. He didn't know what to do, and I didn't know how to tell him. We couldn't understand why the other spent so much time away. And we were both hurting from it.
I wish I could tell him that no matter how things ended, what he gave me is precious. The time we spent together wasn't a waste. Everything was special. It was unique. We could have spent eternity laying in bed together if we'd only have found the right way to say things. It wasn't perfect. We're too flawed. But it was definitely the most beautiful lie ever.
XoXo,
S
The first night I spent with Jon at his new place we didn't have a bed. We laid together on the floor on top of a blanket covered by another because it was snowy and cold out. His laptop was propped up on a piece of a shelf that wasn't assembled. And we just laid there together not caring about the world.
When we moved into the little nook-room it was just me and him on a small bed that sat a good 4 feet from the ground. We laid together under the big blankets, my arms around him, our faces side by side watching movies on his laptop trying not to care about anything that was going wrong.
When I went to the hospital, I sat in the ER for 3 hours. He stayed for maybe 15 minutes. He hates hospitals. I was lonely and scared and I looked terrible, but he still came to see me so I smiled through the fear of being left alone and appreciated what I had.
When we moved into the basement off of Wells, the bed was like a cloud. We had furniture, and a place to put his laptop to watch all of our shows together. It had gotten warm, and even the basement was too hot. We didn't cuddle. The blankets were thrown aside. The extra space of the room was put between us.
We spent a lot of time at his sisters. Alternating between the small bed in the guest room, the larger bed in the larger guest room, and finally the futon in the basement where we spent our first night together ever. He sat in the garage playing his guitar and smoking and reading articles on the internet. I sat alone on my computer. We could both feel the distance growing. He didn't know what to do, and I didn't know how to tell him. We couldn't understand why the other spent so much time away. And we were both hurting from it.
I wish I could tell him that no matter how things ended, what he gave me is precious. The time we spent together wasn't a waste. Everything was special. It was unique. We could have spent eternity laying in bed together if we'd only have found the right way to say things. It wasn't perfect. We're too flawed. But it was definitely the most beautiful lie ever.
XoXo,
S
December 08, 2012
Vegetarianism and Who the Real Douches Are
I've been doing the vegetarian thing for almost a week now. I literally just sat there last week and said "you know, I think I'm going to become a vegetarian."
And then I did.
I always felt that people were somewhat justified when they bitched about arrogant vegetarians. I figured they must just always be these sweet innocent victims. I get why vegetarians and vegans probably come off as dicks though.
I'm making a cheese and veggie sandwich at work. No problems there, we have awesome vegetables that are all nice and fresh and tasty and we have some pretty good cheese options right now. The grill guy comes up and asks me if I want him to put down a fresh hamburger for me, and I decline.
"I don't want a burger today" I say.
"Okay, well the spicy and crispy chicken just came up, do you want one of those? I can put a grilled down for you." He's just trying to be helpful, I know.
"nah, I don't want chicken either. I'm making a veggie sandwich," I finally admit.
"well damn, at least put some bacon on that."
"No, that's okay, I don't want to eat meat anymore."
"why the hell not? Meat is awesome. Bacon is delicious. Come on, just a few pieces of bacon. Look how fresh and tasty it is." at which point he eats some bacon and moans over it's amazingness while continuing to insist that I let him put some one my sandwich.
This has been the general response. From people who know me, and people who don't. The thing is, I used to be that douche. I used to be the dickbag who sat there and talked about how delicious a burger was to my veggie friends. I used to be the girl who took pleasure in teasing a vegetarian. The one who threatened to sneak meat into their food for laughs (although, I never did.)
You guys don't realize this from the Omnivore side of the fence, but you're being dicks. I get that you can't fathom never eating meat again, and I don't give a flying fuck. It feels as patronizing to me as me saying I'm a vegetarian feels patronizing to YOU. The difference is YOU offered ME meat. YOU asked ME why I didn't chose a certain food item. I only offered up the information about myself to let you know why, because you wanted to know. You ACTUALLY patronizing me over it wasn't asked for. If you eat meat I assume it's because you can't or don't want to give it up.
You don't have to sit there telling me how good bacon is. I ate bacon for 23 years. I'm trying to expand my experiences beyond the normal bounds of my life. I'm trying to live as a healthy and conscious human being. I'm trying to learn more about life and my food and how the two interact with one another.
And while a very small percentage of people do need meat, most of you don't. You just prefer to get your protein that way. I'm fine with that. Don't tell me how unhealthy my choice is just because you're choices are different, especially considering the people putting me down are eating deep fried and over processed foods.
Are there douchey vegetarians? Of course there are. Does that mean every vegetarian who points out that you're precious meat isn't a magical lifeforce is a smug dick? No. It probably means their sick of the bullshit they have to deal with from people patronizing them about their choice in food.
People literally act like you're unamerican for being a vegetarian or just eating healthy. I mean no exaggeration. We live in a country where patriotism is equated to mass consumption of processed meats. It's fucking crazy. "You don't want turkey on thanksgiving? But it's a NATIONAL HOLIDAY. No one will care if you break your vegetarian diet for ONE day."
Seriously guys? Seriously?
XoXo,
S
And then I did.
I always felt that people were somewhat justified when they bitched about arrogant vegetarians. I figured they must just always be these sweet innocent victims. I get why vegetarians and vegans probably come off as dicks though.
I'm making a cheese and veggie sandwich at work. No problems there, we have awesome vegetables that are all nice and fresh and tasty and we have some pretty good cheese options right now. The grill guy comes up and asks me if I want him to put down a fresh hamburger for me, and I decline.
"I don't want a burger today" I say.
"Okay, well the spicy and crispy chicken just came up, do you want one of those? I can put a grilled down for you." He's just trying to be helpful, I know.
"nah, I don't want chicken either. I'm making a veggie sandwich," I finally admit.
"well damn, at least put some bacon on that."
"No, that's okay, I don't want to eat meat anymore."
"why the hell not? Meat is awesome. Bacon is delicious. Come on, just a few pieces of bacon. Look how fresh and tasty it is." at which point he eats some bacon and moans over it's amazingness while continuing to insist that I let him put some one my sandwich.
This has been the general response. From people who know me, and people who don't. The thing is, I used to be that douche. I used to be the dickbag who sat there and talked about how delicious a burger was to my veggie friends. I used to be the girl who took pleasure in teasing a vegetarian. The one who threatened to sneak meat into their food for laughs (although, I never did.)
You guys don't realize this from the Omnivore side of the fence, but you're being dicks. I get that you can't fathom never eating meat again, and I don't give a flying fuck. It feels as patronizing to me as me saying I'm a vegetarian feels patronizing to YOU. The difference is YOU offered ME meat. YOU asked ME why I didn't chose a certain food item. I only offered up the information about myself to let you know why, because you wanted to know. You ACTUALLY patronizing me over it wasn't asked for. If you eat meat I assume it's because you can't or don't want to give it up.
You don't have to sit there telling me how good bacon is. I ate bacon for 23 years. I'm trying to expand my experiences beyond the normal bounds of my life. I'm trying to live as a healthy and conscious human being. I'm trying to learn more about life and my food and how the two interact with one another.
And while a very small percentage of people do need meat, most of you don't. You just prefer to get your protein that way. I'm fine with that. Don't tell me how unhealthy my choice is just because you're choices are different, especially considering the people putting me down are eating deep fried and over processed foods.
Are there douchey vegetarians? Of course there are. Does that mean every vegetarian who points out that you're precious meat isn't a magical lifeforce is a smug dick? No. It probably means their sick of the bullshit they have to deal with from people patronizing them about their choice in food.
People literally act like you're unamerican for being a vegetarian or just eating healthy. I mean no exaggeration. We live in a country where patriotism is equated to mass consumption of processed meats. It's fucking crazy. "You don't want turkey on thanksgiving? But it's a NATIONAL HOLIDAY. No one will care if you break your vegetarian diet for ONE day."
Seriously guys? Seriously?
XoXo,
S
December 01, 2012
Serj Tankian Appreciation Post
Serj Tankian is kinda dreamy. There, I said it. Okay, maybe I have a thing for guys twice my age. Maybe I have a thing for facial hair, and dimples (unph, those dimples)... But also, his voice. Oh god, his voice ;_; it's so beautiful. His songs are so meaningful.
So yeah. Just what I've been thinking about for the last week.
XoXo,
S
Me and Mohawks.
Just throwing out old pictures of me and my relationship with mohawks. These are all from 2008-2010, none are of the most recent, but I thought I'd give something to look at with all this writing.
This is a photo of a picture from my laptop. I think from 2008. I was at a bad place in my life them. Cutting the first mohawk was really freeing for me. I started standing up for myself because I realized I could do whatever the hell I wanted to for myself. I stopped feeling like a victim with the guy I was dating and eventually got out of the whole mess.
And then BAM. I started college and instantly drew a lot of positive attentionJUST because of my hair. I had spent a good part of the previous year of my life feeling isolated and rejected while trying to fit in. I stopped caring and everything fell into place.
To top it off, my mohawk is actually what attracted my new boyfriend to me in the first place. After being told no one could love me for who I am... I found Rob.
And then I ruined that. I hit a depression and then I broke up with him and started dating another guy. I started growing my hair out and the guy was a huge dick and I went through was was possibly the worst situation in my life. I won't go there anymore, it's the past, but I lost so much of myself for a really long time.
It just feels right. The hair I mean. The relationship too, but I never feel more free than I do with my hair shaved.
It's cheesey, but it's like Lady Gaga said, I am my hair. It's how I express myself. I've never been more in love with myself than I am the way I am right now. I have an entire blog dedicated to my hair (I've linked to it in the past). I can't find anything in the world sexier than a mohawk. :)
The point of this? I was looking at pictures of myself and reminiscing about the life I've lived. I blog about it, but I'm not always really open about my personal life. I guess I want to be a little more personal now. On occasion.
XoXo,
S
November 30, 2012
Wacom Bamboo Splash
Oh, I also got my Bamboo Splash in the mail exactly on the date it was supposed to arrive :D
I wasn't expecting to become an instant artist, but I wasn't expecting how much it would actually take to get used to drawing with it. I like it for doing lines, but I'm not so sure I want it for more than that. I shade and color better with the track pad. I feel like I have more control that way too. I wish it was a mouse and pen set instead of just that weird thing where it if you hover the pen close to the screen it'll move the mouse to it's approximate location. I'd rather just tell it where to start with my cursor so that I know it'll be exact.
After more use I'll probably get better. Another problem I've run into is me not really liking any of my drawing programs. What I want is literally a nicer version of MS paint. CS4 is way too much for what I do. Even the programs that came with it are too much. I just want to make lines on one layer (or a few) and the color below them on another layer. I don't want to have to group each line together or it to be considered one. I didn't have them touching on the same layer for the hell of it, they're supposed to connect -_-
But woe is me and my 1st world problems. I'll figure it out. I also have SAI but I'm not quite a fan of that either (because I drew my lines on a higher up layer and tried to color them on the lower layer with a different tool and it fucking covered my lines up on the above layer).
I'm learning. I'm get there.
XoXo,
S
I wasn't expecting to become an instant artist, but I wasn't expecting how much it would actually take to get used to drawing with it. I like it for doing lines, but I'm not so sure I want it for more than that. I shade and color better with the track pad. I feel like I have more control that way too. I wish it was a mouse and pen set instead of just that weird thing where it if you hover the pen close to the screen it'll move the mouse to it's approximate location. I'd rather just tell it where to start with my cursor so that I know it'll be exact.
After more use I'll probably get better. Another problem I've run into is me not really liking any of my drawing programs. What I want is literally a nicer version of MS paint. CS4 is way too much for what I do. Even the programs that came with it are too much. I just want to make lines on one layer (or a few) and the color below them on another layer. I don't want to have to group each line together or it to be considered one. I didn't have them touching on the same layer for the hell of it, they're supposed to connect -_-
But woe is me and my 1st world problems. I'll figure it out. I also have SAI but I'm not quite a fan of that either (because I drew my lines on a higher up layer and tried to color them on the lower layer with a different tool and it fucking covered my lines up on the above layer).
I'm learning. I'm get there.
XoXo,
S
It's a war on (insert popular belief here)!
I'm going to explain the war on Christmas (God, Jesus, Christianity and any other popular belief)
It's literally the realization that the choices faced by anyone who celebrates or believes a less popular faith and holiday is a really shitty choice. Being forced to say Happy Holidays isn't removing your freedom of speech, it's placing you at the same level of freedom allowed to those who celebrate Yule. Not being able to wear a religious token at work doesn't just apply to people who wear pentacles. It's applies to the people wearing crosses to.
You're choice it to either find a small private business the follows your beliefs and lets you wish people Merry Christmas and lets you tell them about Jesus, or to work for wherever it is you work and be all inclusive in your speech.
It's a shitty choice. It's the choice the rest of us have always had to live with under the guise that this is what freedom is. Apparently what freedom really is is being able to openly celebrate whatever you want wherever you want regardless of how noninclusive the stuff your saying is or how it may make the people around you feel isolated.
Apparently freedom is only for the Majority, because when the majority gets the same freedoms as the rest of us they feel like they're being oppressed. However, when the minorities express their feelings of oppression they're told that they're imagining it and that they're just trying to put the Majority down.
It's like no one realizes how much shit the minorities put up with. How smaller religious beliefs have just learned to deal with keeping their religions to themselves because they'd get treated differently or discriminated against (even if it's against the law). How I have yet to confess my agnostic atheism to my family because I have no idea how they'd react to it. How they have no idea that I go out of my way to follow the teachings of Jesus because his part of the bible was the only part that made sense (love, forgiveness, and kindness to everyone, even those who hurt you). But the Christians who feel like telling me I need to find God are so hateful and hurtful towards people who are different.
I'm off topic now (kinda) but I'll leave the important message bolded. There.
XoXo,
S
It's literally the realization that the choices faced by anyone who celebrates or believes a less popular faith and holiday is a really shitty choice. Being forced to say Happy Holidays isn't removing your freedom of speech, it's placing you at the same level of freedom allowed to those who celebrate Yule. Not being able to wear a religious token at work doesn't just apply to people who wear pentacles. It's applies to the people wearing crosses to.
You're choice it to either find a small private business the follows your beliefs and lets you wish people Merry Christmas and lets you tell them about Jesus, or to work for wherever it is you work and be all inclusive in your speech.
It's a shitty choice. It's the choice the rest of us have always had to live with under the guise that this is what freedom is. Apparently what freedom really is is being able to openly celebrate whatever you want wherever you want regardless of how noninclusive the stuff your saying is or how it may make the people around you feel isolated.
Apparently freedom is only for the Majority, because when the majority gets the same freedoms as the rest of us they feel like they're being oppressed. However, when the minorities express their feelings of oppression they're told that they're imagining it and that they're just trying to put the Majority down.
It's like no one realizes how much shit the minorities put up with. How smaller religious beliefs have just learned to deal with keeping their religions to themselves because they'd get treated differently or discriminated against (even if it's against the law). How I have yet to confess my agnostic atheism to my family because I have no idea how they'd react to it. How they have no idea that I go out of my way to follow the teachings of Jesus because his part of the bible was the only part that made sense (love, forgiveness, and kindness to everyone, even those who hurt you). But the Christians who feel like telling me I need to find God are so hateful and hurtful towards people who are different.
I'm off topic now (kinda) but I'll leave the important message bolded. There.
XoXo,
S
November 24, 2012
Average
I bought myself a bamboo splash drawing tablet.
It'll hopefully be here early next week. I just shipped today.
I'm in that mood where I really want to do roller derby again. Not a new feeling for me, but I feel like it's one of those things I'll never do, because there are so many things that I want to do. And skate and kneepads and all that cost money. I've been wanting that drawing tablet since high school and I just not bought it and it was only $60.
I think I'd be happy if I were at least skating. Nothing serious, just practicing skating because I'm not very coordinated. If I practice I'll hopefully pass the hazy phase I always have when I'm learning something, and hopefully grasp the ability to focus on what I'm doing instead of zoning out. Zoning out is my #1 reason for being average at almost everything I do.
XoXo,
S
It'll hopefully be here early next week. I just shipped today.
I'm in that mood where I really want to do roller derby again. Not a new feeling for me, but I feel like it's one of those things I'll never do, because there are so many things that I want to do. And skate and kneepads and all that cost money. I've been wanting that drawing tablet since high school and I just not bought it and it was only $60.
I think I'd be happy if I were at least skating. Nothing serious, just practicing skating because I'm not very coordinated. If I practice I'll hopefully pass the hazy phase I always have when I'm learning something, and hopefully grasp the ability to focus on what I'm doing instead of zoning out. Zoning out is my #1 reason for being average at almost everything I do.
XoXo,
S
November 21, 2012
Me and My eBay problem
Have you ever bid for something on ebay and immediately gone "shit shit shit I didn't think that'd be the highest bid, please someone outbid me I don't want it that badly!"
Doing that right now. I don't want a Wacom Bamboo Connect, I want a Splash or a capture or a create. SHIT. I figured it'd be like all the other tablets where I bid $5 more than the current bid and it wouldn't be enough. Sure, $50 for that gently used tablet isn't much, but I want a different one damn it (and I'm also the highest bid on a Wacom Intuos3 Large for $150 which I'd much rather get, but it's not likely as there are 30 some bids and a few days left, whereas the Connect only has 11 hours. Fuck, I may actually win that shit. Fuck)
If I do get it, I'll still try for a better one for a similar price. I'll just sell it or trade it or something. -_- why am I so fucking dumb?
WHY.
XoXo,
S
Doing that right now. I don't want a Wacom Bamboo Connect, I want a Splash or a capture or a create. SHIT. I figured it'd be like all the other tablets where I bid $5 more than the current bid and it wouldn't be enough. Sure, $50 for that gently used tablet isn't much, but I want a different one damn it (and I'm also the highest bid on a Wacom Intuos3 Large for $150 which I'd much rather get, but it's not likely as there are 30 some bids and a few days left, whereas the Connect only has 11 hours. Fuck, I may actually win that shit. Fuck)
If I do get it, I'll still try for a better one for a similar price. I'll just sell it or trade it or something. -_- why am I so fucking dumb?
WHY.
XoXo,
S
November 10, 2012
hookah and bills
It's REALLY weird that my hair dye blog that has less than 20 posts has like 900 views. Then I looked through my stats and found out that if you google "splat blue envy results" that blog is the FIRST non-video link. And two of my pictures are on the first 3 pages of the search results (one of which isn't even that color). Fuckin crazy. I have no followers, no comments and I barely post but i get all that? The only post on this blog with a lot of views has a picture of Leeloo Dallas on it.
Whatevs. I'm saving my money to buy a hookah. Legit. I want to play more WoW SO BADLY but I know that the $15 I'd pay for a month of wow is me being halfway to an okay hookah. I go a whole nice set-up on Amazon and it was only going to be $30 for a two hose hookah (all little crap included), 100 tips, box of 100 or so coals, and 2 50g boxes of shisha, but after shipping it was $30. Because fuck you, that's why.
I figured I could probably still buy the tips and coals from the internet since they were cheap as hell. And I found coals that were natural and less likely to cause headaches (which I've been prone to from hookah). They weren't too pricey either.
I'll probably check out the 2 or 3 smoke shops we have in town to see what their hookah and shisha prices look like. I don't want to spend more than $25 for the hookah because I'm a cheap ass. And I don't want more than 2 hoses. If anything I'd rather have one but then I can't invite tons of people over to smoke.
But I'm saving money. And I'm keeping my bills down as best I can. Trying not to stress over it.
XoXo,
S
Whatevs. I'm saving my money to buy a hookah. Legit. I want to play more WoW SO BADLY but I know that the $15 I'd pay for a month of wow is me being halfway to an okay hookah. I go a whole nice set-up on Amazon and it was only going to be $30 for a two hose hookah (all little crap included), 100 tips, box of 100 or so coals, and 2 50g boxes of shisha, but after shipping it was $30. Because fuck you, that's why.
I figured I could probably still buy the tips and coals from the internet since they were cheap as hell. And I found coals that were natural and less likely to cause headaches (which I've been prone to from hookah). They weren't too pricey either.
I'll probably check out the 2 or 3 smoke shops we have in town to see what their hookah and shisha prices look like. I don't want to spend more than $25 for the hookah because I'm a cheap ass. And I don't want more than 2 hoses. If anything I'd rather have one but then I can't invite tons of people over to smoke.
But I'm saving money. And I'm keeping my bills down as best I can. Trying not to stress over it.
XoXo,
S
November 08, 2012
updated other blog!
I updated my other blog today. My Dying Wish: A DIY Hair dyers blog. :)
http://color-me-stunned.blogspot.com/
Reading my old posts... The things I say that I think make me sound hilarious. I still find hilarious. I trucking love myself.
I didn't actually mean trucking, but I spelled "fucking" wrong and that's what google suggested and that made me laugh.
Everything has been going so super lovely. :)
XoXo,
S
http://color-me-stunned.blogspot.com/
Reading my old posts... The things I say that I think make me sound hilarious. I still find hilarious. I trucking love myself.
I didn't actually mean trucking, but I spelled "fucking" wrong and that's what google suggested and that made me laugh.
Everything has been going so super lovely. :)
XoXo,
S
October 27, 2012
caught up on stress
The stress is finally catching up with me. If I'm exceptionally filled with typos that's why.
I've been holding myself together surprisingly well over the last week, but now that I'm alone and no one needs me to comfort them I'm now falling apart, I guess.
My boyfriends 17 year old sister had a heart attack Tuesday. Since then we've been to Michigan twice to see her in the hospital. She's heavily sedated, but still coherent enough to acknowledge that we're there. The nurses say she probably won't remember though. Her lungs are swollen and surrounded by fluids but have stopped bleeding but her heart isn't beating strongly enough and has actually gotten worse in the last day or so. She couldn't survive without the machines that are breathing for her and pumping blood through her veins. They're hoping the swelling in the lungs go down over the weekend since having them in that condition really limits their options.
She was approved for some sort of mobile device that would keep her heart beating without her being in a hospital bed, but it's only temporary. They're talking about a heart transplant. She's only fucking 17.
I've been sleeping well, and eating fine and keeping positive but it's starting to run me down now. My breathing is getting weird, so now I'm getting a little light headed. I've been trying to make a BASIC scarf for his mom and her boyfriend since they left on short notice and it was still warm out when they did. They don't have any warm clothes. They barely have money to eat but the Ronald McDonald house is at least giving them a place to stay.
Family drama is even keeping family members from coming to visit. How heartbreaking is it that someone won't come see a close family member who is in critical condition in the hospital just because some bullshit they have between another family member? They can't put it aside for a day? We're keeping hopeful. The girl is a fighter. But she may not make it. That is always a possibility. How could you not come see your own daughter or sister? Just because someone you don't like is there?
I'm trying to distract myself from the breathing but it's really not working. I want to crawl into bed and sleep until we go back up to see her and their mom again.
But they need warm clothes, so I'm going to keep trying to make this scarf until I have to work, and I'll get myself through the night and cuddle with rob until I feel better and fall asleep.
xoxo,
S
I've been holding myself together surprisingly well over the last week, but now that I'm alone and no one needs me to comfort them I'm now falling apart, I guess.
My boyfriends 17 year old sister had a heart attack Tuesday. Since then we've been to Michigan twice to see her in the hospital. She's heavily sedated, but still coherent enough to acknowledge that we're there. The nurses say she probably won't remember though. Her lungs are swollen and surrounded by fluids but have stopped bleeding but her heart isn't beating strongly enough and has actually gotten worse in the last day or so. She couldn't survive without the machines that are breathing for her and pumping blood through her veins. They're hoping the swelling in the lungs go down over the weekend since having them in that condition really limits their options.
She was approved for some sort of mobile device that would keep her heart beating without her being in a hospital bed, but it's only temporary. They're talking about a heart transplant. She's only fucking 17.
I've been sleeping well, and eating fine and keeping positive but it's starting to run me down now. My breathing is getting weird, so now I'm getting a little light headed. I've been trying to make a BASIC scarf for his mom and her boyfriend since they left on short notice and it was still warm out when they did. They don't have any warm clothes. They barely have money to eat but the Ronald McDonald house is at least giving them a place to stay.
Family drama is even keeping family members from coming to visit. How heartbreaking is it that someone won't come see a close family member who is in critical condition in the hospital just because some bullshit they have between another family member? They can't put it aside for a day? We're keeping hopeful. The girl is a fighter. But she may not make it. That is always a possibility. How could you not come see your own daughter or sister? Just because someone you don't like is there?
I'm trying to distract myself from the breathing but it's really not working. I want to crawl into bed and sleep until we go back up to see her and their mom again.
But they need warm clothes, so I'm going to keep trying to make this scarf until I have to work, and I'll get myself through the night and cuddle with rob until I feel better and fall asleep.
xoxo,
S
October 23, 2012
Lets keep the living alive.
Bullying is the big deal right now, and that's not actually what I have a problem with.
The problem is that so much time is spent focusing on trying to stop bullying but it seems like no one wants to spend time focusing on helping the victims until it's too late. Yeah, we definitely need to give bullying real consequences, but to someone who already calls that sweet flamboyant boy a "fag" and gives him trouble every step of the way... How is detention going to make him realize he's doing something wrong? If anything he'll feel that he should hate the "fag" more for getting him in trouble. At a younger age bullying stems from your home life and personal struggle... After you hit high school it's fueled my a genuine mean spirited personality and hate for something that's different.
If you want to stop bullying you have to start at a much younger age. Day Care. Pre-school. Kindergarten. If they make it to middle school and still want to call someone they don't know or don't like ugly because making the victim sad makes them feel good, it's too fucking late. Maybe I'm just pessimistic, but I guess that's my personal experience talking? The people who bullied me in grade school mostly stopped through middle school. The people who didn't stop became the girls you'd label as "bitch" and the guys you'd have to ask, "why do you always have to be such a dick?"Those behaviors never stopped. Even as matured adults the subtle hits are still there. They still like pointing out your flaws. They still like knowing they can hurt you.
Instead of wasting our time telling people ages 11-18 that they should be nicer to each other, it's time to focus our time on helping the ones who need it. People don't take human suffering seriously anymore once you hit puberty. It's expected of you to cry, feel self conscious, and be generally angsty. Too often we brush off people's feelings as temporary. "Oh, they're just transitioning between being a child and being an adult, they'll get over it."
Fucking WRONG. Never. Ever. Ever. Brush off another person's suffering. We all come in different degrees of sensitivity. Yeah, the person literally crying over spilled milk may be overreacting to that situation, but the proper thing to do isn't to tell them "get the fuck over it and grow up." It's to take them to see a PROFESSIONAL to help them work out the reasons behind why they're so sensitive to help them overcome it. The proper response to ANYONE who cuts isn't to grow thicker skin or to stop whining for attention. It's to take them seriously and to find them whatever help they need.
Does your kid get bullies by strangers online? have a good long talk with them about anonymity and the dangers of putting too much of yourself out there (especially with your face. Especially with your name.) Teach your kids about privacy. a good way to prevent online bullying from people you know in real life is to limit what you put out, and limit who knows it. Don't be friends with everyone you requests you on a social networking site. Don't talk about drama when other's involved can find it or hear about it from someone else (I was so guilty of this in my young blogging days. SO GUILTY. I could have prevented a lot of unneeded misunderstandings and bully-fuel by keeping my mouth shut from side comments that weren't meant to offend but did.)
It's not really the victims fault if they get bullied, but some people make mistakes while growning up that make bullies target them. To quote Miley Cyrus, actually,
“You can't stop people from talking about you, but you can stop giving them something to talk about.”
Yeah, I said we were going to try to do something about this. Exciting, right?
The problem is that so much time is spent focusing on trying to stop bullying but it seems like no one wants to spend time focusing on helping the victims until it's too late. Yeah, we definitely need to give bullying real consequences, but to someone who already calls that sweet flamboyant boy a "fag" and gives him trouble every step of the way... How is detention going to make him realize he's doing something wrong? If anything he'll feel that he should hate the "fag" more for getting him in trouble. At a younger age bullying stems from your home life and personal struggle... After you hit high school it's fueled my a genuine mean spirited personality and hate for something that's different.
If you want to stop bullying you have to start at a much younger age. Day Care. Pre-school. Kindergarten. If they make it to middle school and still want to call someone they don't know or don't like ugly because making the victim sad makes them feel good, it's too fucking late. Maybe I'm just pessimistic, but I guess that's my personal experience talking? The people who bullied me in grade school mostly stopped through middle school. The people who didn't stop became the girls you'd label as "bitch" and the guys you'd have to ask, "why do you always have to be such a dick?"Those behaviors never stopped. Even as matured adults the subtle hits are still there. They still like pointing out your flaws. They still like knowing they can hurt you.
Instead of wasting our time telling people ages 11-18 that they should be nicer to each other, it's time to focus our time on helping the ones who need it. People don't take human suffering seriously anymore once you hit puberty. It's expected of you to cry, feel self conscious, and be generally angsty. Too often we brush off people's feelings as temporary. "Oh, they're just transitioning between being a child and being an adult, they'll get over it."
Fucking WRONG. Never. Ever. Ever. Brush off another person's suffering. We all come in different degrees of sensitivity. Yeah, the person literally crying over spilled milk may be overreacting to that situation, but the proper thing to do isn't to tell them "get the fuck over it and grow up." It's to take them to see a PROFESSIONAL to help them work out the reasons behind why they're so sensitive to help them overcome it. The proper response to ANYONE who cuts isn't to grow thicker skin or to stop whining for attention. It's to take them seriously and to find them whatever help they need.
Does your kid get bullies by strangers online? have a good long talk with them about anonymity and the dangers of putting too much of yourself out there (especially with your face. Especially with your name.) Teach your kids about privacy. a good way to prevent online bullying from people you know in real life is to limit what you put out, and limit who knows it. Don't be friends with everyone you requests you on a social networking site. Don't talk about drama when other's involved can find it or hear about it from someone else (I was so guilty of this in my young blogging days. SO GUILTY. I could have prevented a lot of unneeded misunderstandings and bully-fuel by keeping my mouth shut from side comments that weren't meant to offend but did.)
It's not really the victims fault if they get bullied, but some people make mistakes while growning up that make bullies target them. To quote Miley Cyrus, actually,
“You can't stop people from talking about you, but you can stop giving them something to talk about.”
ANYWAY. Side tracked there. Instead of focusing all of this time and money on the BULLIES in high school and middle school who will just sit there with a smug smile on their faces, we need to put our focus onto helping the victims. A copy of my facebook status that got me and my friend thinking about doing something about this:
"I admire people who think that they can stop bullying by being all feel-good about it (because that totes works)... but I think a better route would be to underline the importance of mental health, getting help, parents being involved in their kids online lives, and the fact that if you can't handle ridicule and bulling you can always be home schooled or keep your online presence minimal and mostly private."
Yeah, I said we were going to try to do something about this. Exciting, right?
xoxo,
S
October 14, 2012
My Crochet; My Life
I never cry when I'm sad. Mostly when I'm angry or frustrated and on rare occasions when I'm speechlessly happy.
Like right now.
I have a crochet commission for a for-real custom hat of Teemo from LOL. It doesn't look like it'd be too hard after I figure out how I want to piece it all together. And I woke up to that request this morning. The person requesting it is a girl who does freelance photography, meaning my hat will get some promoting by her.
Then a girl I work with asked me if I'd make her a hat, and how much I'd want for it. Just a plain striped beanie like the ones I've been working on for Christmas gifts. She said she'd let me know on the colors as soon as she decides.
That conversation led to me talking to this lovely lady who has watched me crochet at work before; about how I DO need to charge people for my stuff, but how I also love giving everything away as gifts. I told her about how I was currently working on making everyone a hat for Christmas since I couldn't afford gifts last year and how had made stuff is always kinda precious to the people who get them (especially if its someone you know who knows how much work goes into something you've made.)
Before she left, she dropped me a ten and told me to get more yarn to make sure I get all my Christmas gifts done. I'm tearing up again. This is too perfect. My day. My life. Everything just keeps falling into place.
XoXo,
s
Like right now.
I have a crochet commission for a for-real custom hat of Teemo from LOL. It doesn't look like it'd be too hard after I figure out how I want to piece it all together. And I woke up to that request this morning. The person requesting it is a girl who does freelance photography, meaning my hat will get some promoting by her.
Then a girl I work with asked me if I'd make her a hat, and how much I'd want for it. Just a plain striped beanie like the ones I've been working on for Christmas gifts. She said she'd let me know on the colors as soon as she decides.
That conversation led to me talking to this lovely lady who has watched me crochet at work before; about how I DO need to charge people for my stuff, but how I also love giving everything away as gifts. I told her about how I was currently working on making everyone a hat for Christmas since I couldn't afford gifts last year and how had made stuff is always kinda precious to the people who get them (especially if its someone you know who knows how much work goes into something you've made.)
Before she left, she dropped me a ten and told me to get more yarn to make sure I get all my Christmas gifts done. I'm tearing up again. This is too perfect. My day. My life. Everything just keeps falling into place.
XoXo,
s
October 10, 2012
a long post about my ex that I'll probably take down out of guilt later.
I don't miss you, but I sure do miss your friends. Or just having friends. I've been talking to a few old friends again lately but one lives in Indy and the other, despite moving back home, doesn't have a job yet and therefor can't afford to hang out and be stupid together.
But I have Rob. Which means I have someone who tries. This is going to be one of those blogs where I vent things that have been weighing me down for a while.
You never actually tried in the ways I needed you to. I was pretty open about what ways those were. Every day at 1 I'd ask you to go to the gas station with me to grab a drink and use the bathroom (since there was rarely tp at the house) because the guy who works there ALWAYS hit on me and it made me really uncomfortable. Every morning you told me you couldn't. You needed 10 more minutes of sleep (that usually turned into 2 hours). You slept at least 10 hours ever day, but you didn't have a job. You just slept. After waking up, every single day, you got high and smoked a cigarette and played your guitar for an hour. That was my last precious hour to spend with you before going off to an 8 hour shift at work while you got to stay home and play guitar all day. While smoking, getting high, and seeing your friends. I got to do none of that. ever. On the off chance that you didn't get high the moment you woke up, you asked to borrow my car to drive across town to pick up more spice (which you also wanted money for half the time, as well as cigarettes).
You didn't have gas money for my car. You didn't help with the oil change, help with the payments or help with the insurance, but you drove the fuck out of it. You borrowed it and acted as a taxi for your friends but never really had anything to throw my way as far as compensation. I let it slide for so long because i was hoping that getting to see your friends and have band practice and getting your cigarettes would help you with your depression, because I had no idea what else to do to help you. It didn't work.
I spent half of my time dating you basically living at your sister's house. She didn't like me. It was fucking boring there. Sure, there was internet (thankfully) but there's nothing to do and nowhere to walk on that side of town. I could have spent those nights in my own bed at my dad's instead and had an even better time because I actually had belongings there. But we stayed at your sisters. You literally spent the ENTIRE time in the garage smoking, getting high, and playing your guitar. It was cold out there and the dogs were usually with you (and I dislike dogs and told you this every time you asked me to hang out with you there.)
Speaking of my own bed, I never got to sleep in it. Ever. You hated going to my dad's. You felt like it was somehow the worst thing ever to not be in town for a night even though there's as little to do at your sisters, and at least at my dad's I didn't have to deal with her whining and bitching to us the entire time because we ate one of her 40 tv dinners. And I got to sleep under my covers, in the comfort of my room with my bookshelves filled with things I love and I would get to see my brother. But getting you to agree to go there was like pulling out someone's fingernails.
The off chance we'd get to go somewhere together because you somehow managed to wake up before 4pm, it was never just us. You were never happy just spending time with me. You always had to invite someone. Sometimes a LOT of people. I even told you how uncomfortable I felt around large groups of people and how I had social anxiety. You never stopped the invitations though. And not once could we walk to the gas station and back without you pulling out your phone and making a call.
The bean... Yes, I loved open mic night, once I starting getting Lacey to come with me. Because you NEVER spent that time with me. It's not an issue of me not wanting you to hang out with everyone there that's your friend, it's an issue of you not even trying to include me even though YOU KNOW I HAVE SOCIAL ANXIETY. At least you SHOULD have known that since I TOLD YOU MORE THAN ONCE. If we were inside for more than 10 minutes you wanted to go back outside, if we were outside hanging out with people for more than ten minutes you wanted to go back in. Then you'd want a smoke, then you'd want to run out back to get high and then you'd repeat this the whole night until you finally played your set (at closing time) and I'd dutifully sit there, exhausted and lonely, and record you playing.
I'm sure you were happy about me doing this... But considering all this shit I did for you, you didn't seem very grateful when you'd tell me what not to spend my money on. My money. Our only income that I busted my ass to get for us. And you were always trying to change me. You didn't want me to dye or cut my hair because you liked it brown and long and as natural as possible. When we started dating I was working on growing my hair out anyway, but get SO UPSET when I wanted to cut some of it off, and change the style a bit and maybe put a little new color in it. THAT'S WHO THE FUCK I AM. And you felt like it was wrong of me.
AND speaking of being my HAIR. I fucking like Lady Gaga. I don't like the movie Yellow Submarine. I don't much care for any of the Beatles movies honestly. Their music is lovely though, and you showed me that (since I was put off by their movies I never listened to it before)... But when I say I like Lady Gaga you spend the next hour bitching about how you think she's "everything that's wrong with the world" and how you'd be cool if she died. And yet, if I say I didn't like the shitty cartoon and say that's what put me off the the Beatles? You ask me to stop talking about it because it's hurting the way you think of me. Where was your respect of me when I wanted you to shut the hell up? You do that to ALL of your friends. Remember when Victor asked you to stop talking about religion because it made him uncomfortable? And you'd be like "okay, but blah blah religion blah, you know!?" He said stop. It means stop. Not finish what you were saying. Not try to explain it even more so that he "understands." It means change the subject. Now.
And that night I went to Taco Bell to talk to Rob? I just wanted to catch up. I thought you'd go with me so you wouldn't be paranoid and I'd literally just catch up because, in case you didn't notice, i had no real friends in your crowd. I was actually closer to Rob's friends after 3 months than I was with some of your friends after 6. I met Nate before we started dating, and he's the only one I still talk to (because instead of helping me through my anxieties you just threw me in and let me drown). I never intended to be with Rob again. Ask anyone. That may be hurtful to him, but when I burn a bridge I don't normally try to build a new one. But your absolute refusal to come with me, and wanting to put it off to a later time that was better for us (despite the fact that it was MY schedule since I was the only one with a job, and I was perfectly fine with going to Taco Bell at 1am since I'd be up til 5 anyway.) You shut me out and shut down. You didn't try. You didn't talk to me about. You just refused to go. That's when I realized that you'd never be there for me. ever. You weren't the guy I needed, you were just the guy I had thought I wanted.
STILL despite that, I wasn't planning on hooking back up with Rob. But talking to him about how everything has been made me realize that everything with me hadn't been okay. All that shit had finally hit me. Everything I'd been putting up with was clear as day and I realized I was really unhappy. You can say I never said anything to let you help me and that you noticed I was upset... But I did tell you. You just thought that what I was telling you wasn't important. It wasn't important to you that I see my brother, sleep in my bed, spend time with just you or feel comfortable in social situations that you wanted me in but didn't want to reserve any of that time to be with me. Those things were the problem. I told you about those things. Why did you never listen if you had actually loved me so damn much?
And you know who cared, has always tried and to this day meets me with nothing but love and acceptance? Rob. You know who never puts me in social situations I'm not comfortable with? Rob. You know who wants to be right there by my side when I do decide to be in a large group? Rob does. Because he listens when I tell him something is wrong, or that i need help.
At least I broke up with you when I realized I couldn't have the relationship I wanted to have with you. I wanted to have it with you. I wanted it to be you and me forever. But you definitely weren't the guy I needed, and no matter how much you loved and cared about the girl you thought I could be, the girl I was (and am) wasn't what you needed either.
XoXo,
S
But I have Rob. Which means I have someone who tries. This is going to be one of those blogs where I vent things that have been weighing me down for a while.
You never actually tried in the ways I needed you to. I was pretty open about what ways those were. Every day at 1 I'd ask you to go to the gas station with me to grab a drink and use the bathroom (since there was rarely tp at the house) because the guy who works there ALWAYS hit on me and it made me really uncomfortable. Every morning you told me you couldn't. You needed 10 more minutes of sleep (that usually turned into 2 hours). You slept at least 10 hours ever day, but you didn't have a job. You just slept. After waking up, every single day, you got high and smoked a cigarette and played your guitar for an hour. That was my last precious hour to spend with you before going off to an 8 hour shift at work while you got to stay home and play guitar all day. While smoking, getting high, and seeing your friends. I got to do none of that. ever. On the off chance that you didn't get high the moment you woke up, you asked to borrow my car to drive across town to pick up more spice (which you also wanted money for half the time, as well as cigarettes).
You didn't have gas money for my car. You didn't help with the oil change, help with the payments or help with the insurance, but you drove the fuck out of it. You borrowed it and acted as a taxi for your friends but never really had anything to throw my way as far as compensation. I let it slide for so long because i was hoping that getting to see your friends and have band practice and getting your cigarettes would help you with your depression, because I had no idea what else to do to help you. It didn't work.
I spent half of my time dating you basically living at your sister's house. She didn't like me. It was fucking boring there. Sure, there was internet (thankfully) but there's nothing to do and nowhere to walk on that side of town. I could have spent those nights in my own bed at my dad's instead and had an even better time because I actually had belongings there. But we stayed at your sisters. You literally spent the ENTIRE time in the garage smoking, getting high, and playing your guitar. It was cold out there and the dogs were usually with you (and I dislike dogs and told you this every time you asked me to hang out with you there.)
Speaking of my own bed, I never got to sleep in it. Ever. You hated going to my dad's. You felt like it was somehow the worst thing ever to not be in town for a night even though there's as little to do at your sisters, and at least at my dad's I didn't have to deal with her whining and bitching to us the entire time because we ate one of her 40 tv dinners. And I got to sleep under my covers, in the comfort of my room with my bookshelves filled with things I love and I would get to see my brother. But getting you to agree to go there was like pulling out someone's fingernails.
The off chance we'd get to go somewhere together because you somehow managed to wake up before 4pm, it was never just us. You were never happy just spending time with me. You always had to invite someone. Sometimes a LOT of people. I even told you how uncomfortable I felt around large groups of people and how I had social anxiety. You never stopped the invitations though. And not once could we walk to the gas station and back without you pulling out your phone and making a call.
The bean... Yes, I loved open mic night, once I starting getting Lacey to come with me. Because you NEVER spent that time with me. It's not an issue of me not wanting you to hang out with everyone there that's your friend, it's an issue of you not even trying to include me even though YOU KNOW I HAVE SOCIAL ANXIETY. At least you SHOULD have known that since I TOLD YOU MORE THAN ONCE. If we were inside for more than 10 minutes you wanted to go back outside, if we were outside hanging out with people for more than ten minutes you wanted to go back in. Then you'd want a smoke, then you'd want to run out back to get high and then you'd repeat this the whole night until you finally played your set (at closing time) and I'd dutifully sit there, exhausted and lonely, and record you playing.
I'm sure you were happy about me doing this... But considering all this shit I did for you, you didn't seem very grateful when you'd tell me what not to spend my money on. My money. Our only income that I busted my ass to get for us. And you were always trying to change me. You didn't want me to dye or cut my hair because you liked it brown and long and as natural as possible. When we started dating I was working on growing my hair out anyway, but get SO UPSET when I wanted to cut some of it off, and change the style a bit and maybe put a little new color in it. THAT'S WHO THE FUCK I AM. And you felt like it was wrong of me.
AND speaking of being my HAIR. I fucking like Lady Gaga. I don't like the movie Yellow Submarine. I don't much care for any of the Beatles movies honestly. Their music is lovely though, and you showed me that (since I was put off by their movies I never listened to it before)... But when I say I like Lady Gaga you spend the next hour bitching about how you think she's "everything that's wrong with the world" and how you'd be cool if she died. And yet, if I say I didn't like the shitty cartoon and say that's what put me off the the Beatles? You ask me to stop talking about it because it's hurting the way you think of me. Where was your respect of me when I wanted you to shut the hell up? You do that to ALL of your friends. Remember when Victor asked you to stop talking about religion because it made him uncomfortable? And you'd be like "okay, but blah blah religion blah, you know!?" He said stop. It means stop. Not finish what you were saying. Not try to explain it even more so that he "understands." It means change the subject. Now.
And that night I went to Taco Bell to talk to Rob? I just wanted to catch up. I thought you'd go with me so you wouldn't be paranoid and I'd literally just catch up because, in case you didn't notice, i had no real friends in your crowd. I was actually closer to Rob's friends after 3 months than I was with some of your friends after 6. I met Nate before we started dating, and he's the only one I still talk to (because instead of helping me through my anxieties you just threw me in and let me drown). I never intended to be with Rob again. Ask anyone. That may be hurtful to him, but when I burn a bridge I don't normally try to build a new one. But your absolute refusal to come with me, and wanting to put it off to a later time that was better for us (despite the fact that it was MY schedule since I was the only one with a job, and I was perfectly fine with going to Taco Bell at 1am since I'd be up til 5 anyway.) You shut me out and shut down. You didn't try. You didn't talk to me about. You just refused to go. That's when I realized that you'd never be there for me. ever. You weren't the guy I needed, you were just the guy I had thought I wanted.
STILL despite that, I wasn't planning on hooking back up with Rob. But talking to him about how everything has been made me realize that everything with me hadn't been okay. All that shit had finally hit me. Everything I'd been putting up with was clear as day and I realized I was really unhappy. You can say I never said anything to let you help me and that you noticed I was upset... But I did tell you. You just thought that what I was telling you wasn't important. It wasn't important to you that I see my brother, sleep in my bed, spend time with just you or feel comfortable in social situations that you wanted me in but didn't want to reserve any of that time to be with me. Those things were the problem. I told you about those things. Why did you never listen if you had actually loved me so damn much?
And you know who cared, has always tried and to this day meets me with nothing but love and acceptance? Rob. You know who never puts me in social situations I'm not comfortable with? Rob. You know who wants to be right there by my side when I do decide to be in a large group? Rob does. Because he listens when I tell him something is wrong, or that i need help.
At least I broke up with you when I realized I couldn't have the relationship I wanted to have with you. I wanted to have it with you. I wanted it to be you and me forever. But you definitely weren't the guy I needed, and no matter how much you loved and cared about the girl you thought I could be, the girl I was (and am) wasn't what you needed either.
XoXo,
S
October 08, 2012
Blogging
I'm trying to crochet a hat and it's the first time for me to use a written pattern with no visual help (besides a finished product) and also my first hat being made in the round. I'm not so sure it's turning out right, but oh well. There was no cutting ends so I should be able to unravel the whole thing when I'm done if I don't like it :)
ANYWAY, I just realized that my blog was automatically putting anonymous comments into my spam folder. Some of those comments weren't spam and the spam folder cleans itself out every month I believe. So I feel like a terrible blog owner. I'm actually getting comments here and there and didn't even know it. :C
It's also pretty exciting that I only have about 500-600 entries and 4500ish views.
I don't normally talk about blogging, but it's been my favorite and most long standing hobby since 2005, starting way back on Xanga where I vented my high school frustrations and gave overly detailed descriptions of my day to day living.
And here I am now.
XoXo,
S
ANYWAY, I just realized that my blog was automatically putting anonymous comments into my spam folder. Some of those comments weren't spam and the spam folder cleans itself out every month I believe. So I feel like a terrible blog owner. I'm actually getting comments here and there and didn't even know it. :C
It's also pretty exciting that I only have about 500-600 entries and 4500ish views.
I don't normally talk about blogging, but it's been my favorite and most long standing hobby since 2005, starting way back on Xanga where I vented my high school frustrations and gave overly detailed descriptions of my day to day living.
And here I am now.
XoXo,
S
October 07, 2012
Self Harm and Celebrating My Birth.
Maybe it's a combination of a lot of things, but I've been sensitive to self-harm triggers this last week or so. Not one particular thing so much as a series of events. Post Secrets is always filled with self hate. It's always a very humanizing time for me to read them. Pulls me down to earth, forces me to feel sympathy and sadness. Then one pops up. It's a self harm with a very real photo of a razor and freshly cut skin. I still cringe thinking about it. Feel sick almost.
I used to obsess over pictures like that. Find pictures of scarred up arms and legs, razors and blood. Now I see them and feel all that hurt and shame and sadness again, knowing that someone isn't handling the pressures in life and feeling guilty that I managed to get passed that and function and exist happily now when some people won't make it.
I used to obsess over pictures like that. Find pictures of scarred up arms and legs, razors and blood. Now I see them and feel all that hurt and shame and sadness again, knowing that someone isn't handling the pressures in life and feeling guilty that I managed to get passed that and function and exist happily now when some people won't make it.
Then the Manson song get your gun came on, and I'm driving down the highway and the line "I slit my teenage wrists" comes up and I think back to that photo again. I'm wearing some rave-y bracelets with a hoody on, and suddenly the pressure of them on my wrists feels sickeningly like blood. I feels like my arms are cut open and the blood is making the hoodie sleeve stick to them. Just thinking about it. Just thinking of the feeling and suddenly my heart is racing and my breathing got jagged and I feel like I'm about to have a panic attack.
I pulled myself together in a few minutes, but it's something new. I've never been sensitive to triggers like that. Not in such an emotionally stimulated way. I've gotten angry, but never so vulnerable. I'm not going to pretend that I don't think about self harm anymore. I do more often than I like to admit (though not as often recently, and not in the same way I did)... But it's never been like this.
I pulled myself together in a few minutes, but it's something new. I've never been sensitive to triggers like that. Not in such an emotionally stimulated way. I've gotten angry, but never so vulnerable. I'm not going to pretend that I don't think about self harm anymore. I do more often than I like to admit (though not as often recently, and not in the same way I did)... But it's never been like this.
It was mostly a great birthday though. I just don't feel like bragging about my amazing day. It was a day to spend away from my normal everyday pains and I took advantage of it.
Here's me, age 23
xoxo,
s
October 05, 2012
growing up
I was at Ulta today, gushing over expensive makeup, telling myself I'd save up and buy some... And I realized that i was most likely to buy something like foundation, base or a sealant. In high school (or even just a couple years ago) I'd have gone straight for the expensive high pigment eye shadows.
It's not that I don't still want that intense bruise-like purple, and the green and blue and so on. I want them so bad. But I guess I realized that I'd get more use out of those three. A good foundation can be used every day just to give you a good natural boost. A good eyeshadow base will make ANY pigment look better and help you apply it, and a good sealant will keep our face in place even if you're using cheap crap. Those are the important factors in good make-up, not just having good eye shadows applied in a pretty way.
I just thought I'd share how much more mature I am not that I turn 23 in 2 minutes. :)
XoXo,
S
It's not that I don't still want that intense bruise-like purple, and the green and blue and so on. I want them so bad. But I guess I realized that I'd get more use out of those three. A good foundation can be used every day just to give you a good natural boost. A good eyeshadow base will make ANY pigment look better and help you apply it, and a good sealant will keep our face in place even if you're using cheap crap. Those are the important factors in good make-up, not just having good eye shadows applied in a pretty way.
I just thought I'd share how much more mature I am not that I turn 23 in 2 minutes. :)
XoXo,
S
October 01, 2012
closure?
I'm glad I decided to look through those photos of your birthday on facebook, because it made me realize that I don't miss YOU, I miss the people I got to hang out with because of you. You're friends were my biggest loss in me breaking up with you.
XoXo,
S
XoXo,
S
September 27, 2012
Jobs
For, for a while there was a REALLY good possibility for me to be moving to Texas for a job at GM. However, GM in the area I already live in called me yesterday to schedule another drug test and this may be the time they finally hire me here. If Arlington calls me for an assessment before I get called to work here, I'll probably refuse the position here and play the waiting game with Texas. I have my bills mostly under control now. I only owe $250 of the ER bill that was around a grand from earlier this year. My phone is caught up, and besides that I just have to pay for my internet which is caught up now (and my bro owes me a bit for from his previous lack of payments that I inherited.) I don't need the job as desperately as I did. I fucking fought my way through it and I did it.
The plants haven't been hiring full time for years now, but they're bumping a bunch of temps to being official workers. They're probably bump the temps who've been there for the last 10 years of them not hiring full timers, but it means there's a shot at being an official GM worker in the next few years. Which means being able to transfer to a different GM plant. Texas hopefully. Or anywhere. I want out of this state.
But since I'll be able to live at home while I work there, I'll be saving at least $600/month since I won't have to pay for rent (besides whatever I throw my dads way) and utilities and such.
I'll be able to save up for school. Not at IPFW. Anywhere but IPFW. But we have Ivy Tech, ITT Tech, and St. Francis. Or I can just save for a few years and go to a nicer more expensive Uni when I move.
Whatever. I don't care. I'm just glad I can finally start moving forward instead of working so hard but going nowhere.
XoXo,
S
I guess I forgot to post this? oops.
The plants haven't been hiring full time for years now, but they're bumping a bunch of temps to being official workers. They're probably bump the temps who've been there for the last 10 years of them not hiring full timers, but it means there's a shot at being an official GM worker in the next few years. Which means being able to transfer to a different GM plant. Texas hopefully. Or anywhere. I want out of this state.
But since I'll be able to live at home while I work there, I'll be saving at least $600/month since I won't have to pay for rent (besides whatever I throw my dads way) and utilities and such.
I'll be able to save up for school. Not at IPFW. Anywhere but IPFW. But we have Ivy Tech, ITT Tech, and St. Francis. Or I can just save for a few years and go to a nicer more expensive Uni when I move.
Whatever. I don't care. I'm just glad I can finally start moving forward instead of working so hard but going nowhere.
XoXo,
S
I guess I forgot to post this? oops.
sigh of relief
I was freaking out about accidentally making two internet payments instead of one (the total was what I owed in back payments, but I didn't want to pay it all at once). I thought i was going to be near negative for the next 2 weeks. One of the payments didn't go through, so when my birthday rolls around I'll have money to eat, and have cake and be happy. And I have gas in my car. And I may be able to get my oil changed. My life... It's just been working.
I think I'm going to buy a few skeins of one-pound yarn and a really big crochet hook and make myself a 3 strand full size blanket. Or make it to sell. Whatever. I'll figure it out later. I originally thought about pink and white since I already have 1lb skeins of those, but I also really want a good teal blanket. Maybe made from a strand of black, a strand of blue and a strand of green. Or colors of teal and aqua and black. Or those and white. I want to try the multiple strand technique regardless.
My birthday is next Saturday. It's not that it's exciting or anything. It's not a special number of any kind. Maybe I'll bleach out my roots and finally dye my hair. :D
XoXo,
S
I think I'm going to buy a few skeins of one-pound yarn and a really big crochet hook and make myself a 3 strand full size blanket. Or make it to sell. Whatever. I'll figure it out later. I originally thought about pink and white since I already have 1lb skeins of those, but I also really want a good teal blanket. Maybe made from a strand of black, a strand of blue and a strand of green. Or colors of teal and aqua and black. Or those and white. I want to try the multiple strand technique regardless.
My birthday is next Saturday. It's not that it's exciting or anything. It's not a special number of any kind. Maybe I'll bleach out my roots and finally dye my hair. :D
XoXo,
S
September 23, 2012
customers...
You know what? You know fucking what?
Some people aren't cut out for fast food. By that I mean they aren't cut out for EATING it. For being a customer of a fast food restaurant. If you want everything fresh, top quality at ALL times, made perfectly the first time and all for a great price? Go to a sit down restaurant quality is expected, or go to taco bell where you can feed a family for less than $30.
For the absolute best food, served with a smile; don't got a business run by teenagers, college drop outs, single parents trying to raise 4 kids and those of us who are struggling to get an education who are bitter about how little they seem to do no matter how hard they work.
Unless you focused on the fries from the time they came up to the time they made it to your tray, don't fucking tell the fry person they aren't fresh (especially if they don't look old). Don't tell us you ordered food that isn't on the receipt. Even if you did, you didn't pay for it, did you? No.
I'm going to let all of you self admitted fast food ass holes know something... It's really important. YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL TO US. No matter how much we have to fake smile at you, no matter how much the highest level of management wants to pretend... You, the individual who bitches because there was a piece of lettuce on your sandwich when you asked for none, YOU who fries that weren't just up from the fryer, YOU who bitches because by the time you go home your soft served ice cream was all melty. You aren't special to us. We do what we have to to get you to shut the hell up about whatever it is that's bothering you, but we don't care about you. You make up a fairly small portion of the overall business.
Even if we never get your very particular order right, losing your business doesn't actually hurt us. Notice how restaurants you swear are the worst ever are still open? Then the problem you were having it probably with YOU. Within a certain amount of reason, certain consistent errors won't effect our business. Most people won't be angry. Most people will continue to eat there and just (for instance) double check their bag to make sure the salad dressing is in there. If you find yourself at home, opening up the bag with your salad in it and realizing the dressing is missing in it for the 20th time , you're a fucking idiot. Just take the two seconds it takes to open the bag and check. Sure, call us telling us you'll never eat here again. We don't like dealing with people like you anyway.
If a cat shits on your bathroom floor every time you leave the door open, you're eventually going to start getting pissed off at the person who left the door open and not the cat. So start realizing that if you KNOW an error is likely to occur, you can prevent it. Easily.
Yeah, quality matters. If a store sucks they'll lose business and it won't be good. Yeah, it's their job to make sure those pickles weren't on the sandwich. You try making minimum wage, getting bitched at by customers all day and see if you care about some poor whiny brats frosty being literally a quarter of a centimeter too low. I can't even afford to eat where I work while working full time. Explain to me again now how I'm supposed to feel bad for you when once or twice I week you don't get your food perfect. You're $10 combo, along with you partners and your kid's $8 meals as well. That $30 order could have fed your family for two days. I don't spend that much on food in a WEEK.
You know who benefits from our stores profit? Not any of us. Until I have that fancy piece of paper claiming I'm brilliant because I spent $50,000 on a higher education there really aren't any other options for any of us, otherwise we'd be working at those places and not here. If we ever manage to afford it that is. Most of us won't.
So basically, before you tell me these fries aren't good enough for your delicate taste buds because they've been up for 30 seconds instead of "fresh," please, for the love of any deity, go fuck yourself.
Some people aren't cut out for fast food. By that I mean they aren't cut out for EATING it. For being a customer of a fast food restaurant. If you want everything fresh, top quality at ALL times, made perfectly the first time and all for a great price? Go to a sit down restaurant quality is expected, or go to taco bell where you can feed a family for less than $30.
For the absolute best food, served with a smile; don't got a business run by teenagers, college drop outs, single parents trying to raise 4 kids and those of us who are struggling to get an education who are bitter about how little they seem to do no matter how hard they work.
Unless you focused on the fries from the time they came up to the time they made it to your tray, don't fucking tell the fry person they aren't fresh (especially if they don't look old). Don't tell us you ordered food that isn't on the receipt. Even if you did, you didn't pay for it, did you? No.
I'm going to let all of you self admitted fast food ass holes know something... It's really important. YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL TO US. No matter how much we have to fake smile at you, no matter how much the highest level of management wants to pretend... You, the individual who bitches because there was a piece of lettuce on your sandwich when you asked for none, YOU who fries that weren't just up from the fryer, YOU who bitches because by the time you go home your soft served ice cream was all melty. You aren't special to us. We do what we have to to get you to shut the hell up about whatever it is that's bothering you, but we don't care about you. You make up a fairly small portion of the overall business.
Even if we never get your very particular order right, losing your business doesn't actually hurt us. Notice how restaurants you swear are the worst ever are still open? Then the problem you were having it probably with YOU. Within a certain amount of reason, certain consistent errors won't effect our business. Most people won't be angry. Most people will continue to eat there and just (for instance) double check their bag to make sure the salad dressing is in there. If you find yourself at home, opening up the bag with your salad in it and realizing the dressing is missing in it for the 20th time , you're a fucking idiot. Just take the two seconds it takes to open the bag and check. Sure, call us telling us you'll never eat here again. We don't like dealing with people like you anyway.
If a cat shits on your bathroom floor every time you leave the door open, you're eventually going to start getting pissed off at the person who left the door open and not the cat. So start realizing that if you KNOW an error is likely to occur, you can prevent it. Easily.
Yeah, quality matters. If a store sucks they'll lose business and it won't be good. Yeah, it's their job to make sure those pickles weren't on the sandwich. You try making minimum wage, getting bitched at by customers all day and see if you care about some poor whiny brats frosty being literally a quarter of a centimeter too low. I can't even afford to eat where I work while working full time. Explain to me again now how I'm supposed to feel bad for you when once or twice I week you don't get your food perfect. You're $10 combo, along with you partners and your kid's $8 meals as well. That $30 order could have fed your family for two days. I don't spend that much on food in a WEEK.
You know who benefits from our stores profit? Not any of us. Until I have that fancy piece of paper claiming I'm brilliant because I spent $50,000 on a higher education there really aren't any other options for any of us, otherwise we'd be working at those places and not here. If we ever manage to afford it that is. Most of us won't.
So basically, before you tell me these fries aren't good enough for your delicate taste buds because they've been up for 30 seconds instead of "fresh," please, for the love of any deity, go fuck yourself.
September 19, 2012
I've been weary of blaming the media, but someone needs to be held accountable.
This isn't an issue I honestly think about too often. In fact, I sometimes have felt like it was blown a little out of proportion in the past. But I kinda get it now.
Make-up companies. You're a separate branch of the big evil "media" and you made quite the image for yourself in my eyes this morning. That image is "whiter is better."
When you criticize black musicians for being too pale, you criticize them for something they can't control. Nor is it the fault of fashion models who are black but a much much lighter tone.
But YOU, make-up company... YOU choose who you put out there to represent yourself. You chose pale. You chose white. You chose pale to represent black women. Your foundation that is guaranteed to match all women? You chose the palest of all ethnic backgrounds. There was ONE little pot of foundation that looked like it would work okay on a darker skinned woman, but I have trouble believing that foundation would compliment all darker shades. Your pictures depicted women who could have literally passed as white women with tans (the ONLY defining feature that the black model had that showed her ethnicity was her clearly African American hair).
As someone who tends to fall on the Classic Ivory side of foundations, I tend to not think to much about being too dark to find a good match. Even when I'm tan I go a shade or so lighter just because it keeps my skin tone more natural and even looking. But I fail to see how someone with very dark skin could use a foundation like their 'mocha" and not look like they were attempting to bleach their faces.
There actually aren't a lot of people who are pale. Most people I know actually wear foundation a few shades darker than their natural color just because they feel it compliments them better.
What about the dark skinned women who would feel that it would compliment their skin more to wear a foundation as dark, if not darker than their natural skin color? Where are they supposed to get their foundation?
Why is no one being held accountable for shit like this? How can a company honestly claim to be able to match ANYONE's skin color when they only have ONE remotely dark foundation color? Are darker women not people to?
ALSO
Lovely tabloid about "celebrities who have an unhealthy obsession with their weight"
You know who has an unhealthy obsession with the celebrities weight? The fucking tabloids. The people who read them. Maybe if Jessica Simpson wouldn't have to experience being called a disgusting fat ass every time she left the house she wouldn't "double up on spanx."
You remember doing that to her, right? Imagine having thousands of people sitting there talking about the 10 extra pounds you gained (or didn't gain, I still feel a lot of it was a bad choice of clothing). I think that would make you hyper aware of how you look when you left the house. I'd be fucking terrified to NOT double up on spanx if I knew that the moment I walked out the door a camera would be snapping pictures of me and the world would be calling me fat because I weight 165lbs. We aren't all built to stay thin forever (we aren't even all built to be thin period). The woman has had children now, leave her fucking weight out of this.
PERHAPS IF WE STOP OBSESSING OVER CELERITY'S WEIGHT THEY WOULDN'T HAVE TO ANYMORE EITHER.
That is all.
XoXo,
S
Make-up companies. You're a separate branch of the big evil "media" and you made quite the image for yourself in my eyes this morning. That image is "whiter is better."
When you criticize black musicians for being too pale, you criticize them for something they can't control. Nor is it the fault of fashion models who are black but a much much lighter tone.
But YOU, make-up company... YOU choose who you put out there to represent yourself. You chose pale. You chose white. You chose pale to represent black women. Your foundation that is guaranteed to match all women? You chose the palest of all ethnic backgrounds. There was ONE little pot of foundation that looked like it would work okay on a darker skinned woman, but I have trouble believing that foundation would compliment all darker shades. Your pictures depicted women who could have literally passed as white women with tans (the ONLY defining feature that the black model had that showed her ethnicity was her clearly African American hair).
As someone who tends to fall on the Classic Ivory side of foundations, I tend to not think to much about being too dark to find a good match. Even when I'm tan I go a shade or so lighter just because it keeps my skin tone more natural and even looking. But I fail to see how someone with very dark skin could use a foundation like their 'mocha" and not look like they were attempting to bleach their faces.
There actually aren't a lot of people who are pale. Most people I know actually wear foundation a few shades darker than their natural color just because they feel it compliments them better.
What about the dark skinned women who would feel that it would compliment their skin more to wear a foundation as dark, if not darker than their natural skin color? Where are they supposed to get their foundation?
Why is no one being held accountable for shit like this? How can a company honestly claim to be able to match ANYONE's skin color when they only have ONE remotely dark foundation color? Are darker women not people to?
ALSO
Lovely tabloid about "celebrities who have an unhealthy obsession with their weight"
You know who has an unhealthy obsession with the celebrities weight? The fucking tabloids. The people who read them. Maybe if Jessica Simpson wouldn't have to experience being called a disgusting fat ass every time she left the house she wouldn't "double up on spanx."
You remember doing that to her, right? Imagine having thousands of people sitting there talking about the 10 extra pounds you gained (or didn't gain, I still feel a lot of it was a bad choice of clothing). I think that would make you hyper aware of how you look when you left the house. I'd be fucking terrified to NOT double up on spanx if I knew that the moment I walked out the door a camera would be snapping pictures of me and the world would be calling me fat because I weight 165lbs. We aren't all built to stay thin forever (we aren't even all built to be thin period). The woman has had children now, leave her fucking weight out of this.
PERHAPS IF WE STOP OBSESSING OVER CELERITY'S WEIGHT THEY WOULDN'T HAVE TO ANYMORE EITHER.
That is all.
XoXo,
S
September 10, 2012
perspectives
All things considered, I feel oddly content right now.
I'm finishing crochet projects. I finished my cat pattern blanket, my boss's baby blanket AND the baby blanket for my friend which I put a little scallop boarder on. I've never done borders but I did the shell stitch for the cat blanket so I figured I'd give it a shot. It looks super cute. I'm actually accomplishing things and it feels so good.
On top of that, my boyfriend took me on an epic date day. Flowers (roses!) my favorite chocolates, some hard cider and a controller for the Wii that lets me play old Nintendo games from the Nintendo store. He also replaced the battery in my memory card for the N64 and we got games for that.
On top off all that awesome? he took me to see The Avengers and it was so good. I'm STILL thinking about that movie and I saw it on Friday. Then when we got home we watched Captain America and I suddenly have so much love for HIS character (he's the only one who's movie I haven't seen so I was having much less feels for him.)
I'm working on another blanket. Getting ideas for a new project. Just generally being happy and content. I'm going to have to replace one of my cars tired but I'm almost completely caught up on bills so it's not even a big deal to me. After I pay about $200 to the internet bill ($140 of which my brother will have to pay me back because it back-charges from when it was his bill and not mine) I'll just have to keep up with my month to month payments. No more late feels, no more worrying about my phone getting shut off. Life is just getting better. After I'm caught up my bills will only be about $200 a month. that's only 1/4 of my paycheck with the hours I'm pulling right now. I may be able to start helping with my car even if I DON'T get a second job. But I'm still trying to. 15 hours a week at any minimum wage job will easily cover my car. Nothing else, so I'll have to try to get a job around the area I already spend time at to save me the extra gas.
Rob drove home halfway home last night. I'm going to help him get some driving confidence :) Then help him study to get his permit and then help him study and practice to get his license. I don't expect THAT to happen quickly, but if he's capable of driving I at least know he'll be able to take me to the hospital if I'm injured, or drive me to walmart to get medicine if I have a really bad headache. Feeling lots of pride for my baby.
Life, guys. It's fucking good.
(Also, did I ever mention that despite my fight to get off of closes I've accepted the position and now closing has been 100x's better. I love my new night manager, I don't mind my job because it's EASY and hey, I got 2 days requested off every week and I'm still getting 40 hours. Can't argue with that one. One of those days is even friday.
xoxo,
S
I'm finishing crochet projects. I finished my cat pattern blanket, my boss's baby blanket AND the baby blanket for my friend which I put a little scallop boarder on. I've never done borders but I did the shell stitch for the cat blanket so I figured I'd give it a shot. It looks super cute. I'm actually accomplishing things and it feels so good.
On top of that, my boyfriend took me on an epic date day. Flowers (roses!) my favorite chocolates, some hard cider and a controller for the Wii that lets me play old Nintendo games from the Nintendo store. He also replaced the battery in my memory card for the N64 and we got games for that.
On top off all that awesome? he took me to see The Avengers and it was so good. I'm STILL thinking about that movie and I saw it on Friday. Then when we got home we watched Captain America and I suddenly have so much love for HIS character (he's the only one who's movie I haven't seen so I was having much less feels for him.)
I'm working on another blanket. Getting ideas for a new project. Just generally being happy and content. I'm going to have to replace one of my cars tired but I'm almost completely caught up on bills so it's not even a big deal to me. After I pay about $200 to the internet bill ($140 of which my brother will have to pay me back because it back-charges from when it was his bill and not mine) I'll just have to keep up with my month to month payments. No more late feels, no more worrying about my phone getting shut off. Life is just getting better. After I'm caught up my bills will only be about $200 a month. that's only 1/4 of my paycheck with the hours I'm pulling right now. I may be able to start helping with my car even if I DON'T get a second job. But I'm still trying to. 15 hours a week at any minimum wage job will easily cover my car. Nothing else, so I'll have to try to get a job around the area I already spend time at to save me the extra gas.
Rob drove home halfway home last night. I'm going to help him get some driving confidence :) Then help him study to get his permit and then help him study and practice to get his license. I don't expect THAT to happen quickly, but if he's capable of driving I at least know he'll be able to take me to the hospital if I'm injured, or drive me to walmart to get medicine if I have a really bad headache. Feeling lots of pride for my baby.
Life, guys. It's fucking good.
(Also, did I ever mention that despite my fight to get off of closes I've accepted the position and now closing has been 100x's better. I love my new night manager, I don't mind my job because it's EASY and hey, I got 2 days requested off every week and I'm still getting 40 hours. Can't argue with that one. One of those days is even friday.
xoxo,
S
August 31, 2012
I'm officially crazy, I think.
So we all have people we used to have crushes on, right? People we hopelessly liked and hung out with and flirted with even though they didn't really seem interested or told us it wasn't going to happen. I have a few of them. We even have those stragglers in our life. The people we dated and left/were left by but for some reason never cut out even though you don't really talk much. Or maybe you do. Maybe you're still friends. Regardless, they're people who you have had strong feelings for that were more than friendship. Those people.
I have those. Being in a relationship now, I've resigned myself to speak to them less. To recognize that generally no good can from that situation. Someone who used to not like you can have a sudden change of heart when you stop pursuing, and exes can always try to rekindle old flames. Maybe they both get rejected, but those are situations that we can avoid altogether, right? So why don't we? The only guy I ever dated that I can honestly say CAN'T damage, hurt, or any of that. The one straight guy friend that I trust to NOT make a move on me. I still talk to him. Spencer's been a great friend through the last few years. Maybe I'm being too selfish in this whole thing...
There's girl who Rob told me he used to chase while him and I were apart. He REALLY liked her. She kinda drug him on sometimes, playing with the fact that he liked her, because she knew he did. She didn't want him, but she did it anyway. Nothing happened between them.
Now that we're dating, it'd make sense to drop all these people who he used to chase right? Especially the one he started dating RIGHT before we got back together. The one he left (a 24 hour relationship) to be with me. They still talk. A lot. The girl he used to pursue who I just mentioned, the one who pulled him along? Still talk. Still HANG OUT.
I feel so genuinely sick that... fuck, think of an analogy yourself.
I definitely feel less upset over the girl he dated because he left her to be with me, but she actually had feelings for him. I don't see how staying super close friends with him could possibly be a smart thing? And the other girl is going through a LOT of shit now, apparently. as someone who used to be on the brink of a breakdown (and gone through several breakdowns and so on) I can tell you that you start doing shit to feel wanted. Because you convince yourself that you actually liked that guy, or that you should be with him because you just KNOW it's right so fuck whatever he's got planned for himself. That's excessive paranoia on my part.
Yeah, it is. But the jealousy beyond that "potential future situation" feels pretty highly justifiable. A girl doesn't lead you on and then let you go live your life when you find something else. She wants to keep trying to lead you on. She wants the attention or she wouldn't have done it in the first place. I've seen girls try to HAVE SEX WITH guys they weren't interested in just to keep their attention from going to another girl who had genuine feelings for them.
And I should chill the fuck out and not be so paranoid and jealous... but when I look at her? She's really pretty. Really thin with a really nice body. She already likes the same shit and dresses the way Rob likes. He doesn't pursue girls who he doesn't find attractive just to have someone (though, he's open to girls who pursue him even if they aren't "right" for him.) She's the kind of girl he likes. And she's 100x's better looking than myself. They obviously get along or he wouldn't still try to talk to her when she is off doing her own shit, and he wouldn't hang out with her when the chance arose.
So, when she decides she wants that, what's actually stopping her? Because he's not. I don't talk to Zach anymore. I don't hang out with him. I only see him at work. I don't talk to or see Michael, Brandon, Jon, Craig, Anthony, Seth or ANY guy who I've dated, been interested in, or had interested in me. Any of them except Spencer as explained above.
Is that so much to ask? Is it TOO much? It may be. I may not being seeing this subjectively. But I can't stop feeling sick with jealousy and insecurity. The problem there lies with me, but why can't more people handle this shit like I do?
XoXo,
S
I have those. Being in a relationship now, I've resigned myself to speak to them less. To recognize that generally no good can from that situation. Someone who used to not like you can have a sudden change of heart when you stop pursuing, and exes can always try to rekindle old flames. Maybe they both get rejected, but those are situations that we can avoid altogether, right? So why don't we? The only guy I ever dated that I can honestly say CAN'T damage, hurt, or any of that. The one straight guy friend that I trust to NOT make a move on me. I still talk to him. Spencer's been a great friend through the last few years. Maybe I'm being too selfish in this whole thing...
There's girl who Rob told me he used to chase while him and I were apart. He REALLY liked her. She kinda drug him on sometimes, playing with the fact that he liked her, because she knew he did. She didn't want him, but she did it anyway. Nothing happened between them.
Now that we're dating, it'd make sense to drop all these people who he used to chase right? Especially the one he started dating RIGHT before we got back together. The one he left (a 24 hour relationship) to be with me. They still talk. A lot. The girl he used to pursue who I just mentioned, the one who pulled him along? Still talk. Still HANG OUT.
I feel so genuinely sick that... fuck, think of an analogy yourself.
I definitely feel less upset over the girl he dated because he left her to be with me, but she actually had feelings for him. I don't see how staying super close friends with him could possibly be a smart thing? And the other girl is going through a LOT of shit now, apparently. as someone who used to be on the brink of a breakdown (and gone through several breakdowns and so on) I can tell you that you start doing shit to feel wanted. Because you convince yourself that you actually liked that guy, or that you should be with him because you just KNOW it's right so fuck whatever he's got planned for himself. That's excessive paranoia on my part.
Yeah, it is. But the jealousy beyond that "potential future situation" feels pretty highly justifiable. A girl doesn't lead you on and then let you go live your life when you find something else. She wants to keep trying to lead you on. She wants the attention or she wouldn't have done it in the first place. I've seen girls try to HAVE SEX WITH guys they weren't interested in just to keep their attention from going to another girl who had genuine feelings for them.
And I should chill the fuck out and not be so paranoid and jealous... but when I look at her? She's really pretty. Really thin with a really nice body. She already likes the same shit and dresses the way Rob likes. He doesn't pursue girls who he doesn't find attractive just to have someone (though, he's open to girls who pursue him even if they aren't "right" for him.) She's the kind of girl he likes. And she's 100x's better looking than myself. They obviously get along or he wouldn't still try to talk to her when she is off doing her own shit, and he wouldn't hang out with her when the chance arose.
So, when she decides she wants that, what's actually stopping her? Because he's not. I don't talk to Zach anymore. I don't hang out with him. I only see him at work. I don't talk to or see Michael, Brandon, Jon, Craig, Anthony, Seth or ANY guy who I've dated, been interested in, or had interested in me. Any of them except Spencer as explained above.
Is that so much to ask? Is it TOO much? It may be. I may not being seeing this subjectively. But I can't stop feeling sick with jealousy and insecurity. The problem there lies with me, but why can't more people handle this shit like I do?
XoXo,
S
August 15, 2012
Real Friends and Convenience Friends.
A friend of mine starts back at college soon. Or should I say someone I used to be friends with. I didn't sign up for classes this semester because I wanted to save up some money and I couldn't handle my bills as it is. My GPA was fine (in the 3 range) I just can't seem to keep up with school without breaking down with anxiety. And I should be starting work in a factory soon.
It still kinda felt like a punch in the stomach to know she's showing her friend around campus and that they're going to Olive Garden after. That's what her and I did 2 years ago when I was new there. Then her and my brother stopped dating, and I got into a really bad relationship and we didn't talk much anymore. I later found out that the reason we didn't talk was because she thought I was being a bitch all the time.
I had really really needed her through that situation. Needed ANYONE that I could break down in front of so I could finally get help and get into a safer place. Instead she didn't reply when i texted, she didn't pick up if I called and completely ignored me on facebook. I didn't even see her on campus because she started to avoid the lounge that we hung out in. I had no idea why.
on new years eve I got out of that bad relationship and moved the hell on. I've hung out with her twice since then, once with just her and once with the whole gang that I used to hang out with. Yeah, I've missed all the fun we used to have but... I just forced me to realize that they weren't really my friends. Where were ANY of them when I needed them and when it stopped being convenient and stopped being us hanging out with booze? They were all out telling me they were to busy to hang out and then posting onto facebook about all the fun they were having because they decided they weren't so busy after all, because someone else wanted to hang out.
I've had the shittiest friends over the years. I'm HAPPILY awaiting my first BFF from grade school to be coming back to Fort Wayne from Indy. We disliked each other sometimes. We fought a lot. I don't think we hung out once in high school, but it someone who doesn't give a fuck about how crappy I've been acting because they KNEW why and wanted to be there to cheer me up.
Actually, I remember once when we were on the bus, and she was SO determined to make me smile before we got to school because I was having a bad morning. She actually tried. I've missed having that around.
XoXo,
S
It still kinda felt like a punch in the stomach to know she's showing her friend around campus and that they're going to Olive Garden after. That's what her and I did 2 years ago when I was new there. Then her and my brother stopped dating, and I got into a really bad relationship and we didn't talk much anymore. I later found out that the reason we didn't talk was because she thought I was being a bitch all the time.
I had really really needed her through that situation. Needed ANYONE that I could break down in front of so I could finally get help and get into a safer place. Instead she didn't reply when i texted, she didn't pick up if I called and completely ignored me on facebook. I didn't even see her on campus because she started to avoid the lounge that we hung out in. I had no idea why.
on new years eve I got out of that bad relationship and moved the hell on. I've hung out with her twice since then, once with just her and once with the whole gang that I used to hang out with. Yeah, I've missed all the fun we used to have but... I just forced me to realize that they weren't really my friends. Where were ANY of them when I needed them and when it stopped being convenient and stopped being us hanging out with booze? They were all out telling me they were to busy to hang out and then posting onto facebook about all the fun they were having because they decided they weren't so busy after all, because someone else wanted to hang out.
I've had the shittiest friends over the years. I'm HAPPILY awaiting my first BFF from grade school to be coming back to Fort Wayne from Indy. We disliked each other sometimes. We fought a lot. I don't think we hung out once in high school, but it someone who doesn't give a fuck about how crappy I've been acting because they KNEW why and wanted to be there to cheer me up.
Actually, I remember once when we were on the bus, and she was SO determined to make me smile before we got to school because I was having a bad morning. She actually tried. I've missed having that around.
XoXo,
S
August 05, 2012
Chances and Trying
I feel tired. Scraped thin and worn out. This is my favorite and least favorite feeling. I'm literally at a manic state I just haven't found the direction to go in. I could easily fall into a depression. A terrible one, with fits of anxiety and have those really weak moments that I have never admitted to, where I wish I would break down enough to self harm (though, I don't. I haven't in a while, and I won't.) The thought terrifies me. But I could also be happy. I could explode with creativity and vanity and be fucking BRILLIANT. Right now I just feel awake and tired at the same time and kinda want to go to sleep but I feel like I should be doing something.
SO I'm guiding myself. Trying to control the insanity that is my mood. I've never really tried to before. I've wished for the pain to stop or wanted to stop being so excitable (because other's don't seem to respond well to me like that?) but I've never thought of fully trying to control it before it happens.
I'm writing. I'm on tvtropes making sure this scene goes right. I'm contemplating fashion, hair, make-up, and other things that make me happy. For all I know I'll fall asleep by 2 and wake up as if I never felt like this right now. Despite my efforts I could wake up depressed. But, there's also that chance that I'll wake up feeling on top of the world. I want that chance.
There's not actually a chance if you never try.
XoXo,
S
SO I'm guiding myself. Trying to control the insanity that is my mood. I've never really tried to before. I've wished for the pain to stop or wanted to stop being so excitable (because other's don't seem to respond well to me like that?) but I've never thought of fully trying to control it before it happens.
I'm writing. I'm on tvtropes making sure this scene goes right. I'm contemplating fashion, hair, make-up, and other things that make me happy. For all I know I'll fall asleep by 2 and wake up as if I never felt like this right now. Despite my efforts I could wake up depressed. But, there's also that chance that I'll wake up feeling on top of the world. I want that chance.
There's not actually a chance if you never try.
XoXo,
S
August 03, 2012
Word Count and such
So I added another thousand words to my story. Did I mention that I was writing that? No? well I am. Continuing a story from 2009 that I found on my laptop. I'm excited. I'm having ideas and crap. It's pretty new territory (recently).
Since it just came up and it's all the rage I think I'll talk about Chik-fil-a.
1) It's well within the rights of the company's owner to express his opinion.
2) It's well within the rights of the consumer to boycott them for their company's owner's opinion.
3)The company can use it's money however they see fit.
4) Anyone who financially supports something the PREVENTS any form of equality is unamerican. Period. While freedom of speech is our right, the foundation of our country is freedom and equality for EVERYONE. Not just for those we believe are equal to us. Like so many people have said, the people protesting gay marriage and gay equality will look like idiots in 40 years just like the people not wanting black people in school with the white kids. THAT is why it's not hypocritical for a "liberal" to protest chik-fil-a while simultaneously wanted the "conservatives" to NOT protest their pridefests and such.
ONE group is fighting to give someone their equality, one is fighting to keep it away from them.
Be as racist, homophobic or sexist as you want. It's your right. But don't you dare try to make someone else's life less because of YOUR opinion. THAT is what America is.
XoXo,
S
Oh, and 5) Don't assume that people who work for a corporation believe in or even KNOW what kind of shit their company does with their profits. Someone thought the fast food restaurant that I work for didn't support gay marriage. Man, let me tell you, almost everyone in that store when you were applauding us for it BELIEVES IN GAY MARRIAGE. Sorry to burst your bubble. I don't know where you heard that bit of information from, but you're talking to the wrong people anyway. We just work there.
Since it just came up and it's all the rage I think I'll talk about Chik-fil-a.
1) It's well within the rights of the company's owner to express his opinion.
2) It's well within the rights of the consumer to boycott them for their company's owner's opinion.
3)The company can use it's money however they see fit.
4) Anyone who financially supports something the PREVENTS any form of equality is unamerican. Period. While freedom of speech is our right, the foundation of our country is freedom and equality for EVERYONE. Not just for those we believe are equal to us. Like so many people have said, the people protesting gay marriage and gay equality will look like idiots in 40 years just like the people not wanting black people in school with the white kids. THAT is why it's not hypocritical for a "liberal" to protest chik-fil-a while simultaneously wanted the "conservatives" to NOT protest their pridefests and such.
ONE group is fighting to give someone their equality, one is fighting to keep it away from them.
Be as racist, homophobic or sexist as you want. It's your right. But don't you dare try to make someone else's life less because of YOUR opinion. THAT is what America is.
XoXo,
S
Oh, and 5) Don't assume that people who work for a corporation believe in or even KNOW what kind of shit their company does with their profits. Someone thought the fast food restaurant that I work for didn't support gay marriage. Man, let me tell you, almost everyone in that store when you were applauding us for it BELIEVES IN GAY MARRIAGE. Sorry to burst your bubble. I don't know where you heard that bit of information from, but you're talking to the wrong people anyway. We just work there.
August 01, 2012
lack of internet, bills, and happy crap
I just did a run down of my last few posts to see what I haven't caught my blog up on. A lot. I haven't been posting. My internet isn't working for some reason and normally I'd just sit there and feel sad but I actually got on the phone and tried getting it fixed, but after 3 days and a lot of waiting I still got nothing. next time I call I'm probably just going to tell them to drag their happy asses out here to fix it, because obviously they can't do it from their desk otherwise it'd be fixed (there are only so many things you can do from there, right? And I'd assume that after saying it's been weeks, and having multiple calls in they'd decide to just try all those things, right? So the last resort would be to have them come out and do it, right? right? I don't want to raise my voice in frustration. I understand they're trying to help me out. I know the techs aren't responsible for everything that goes wrong with the internet, and that they're there to fix it. but still. 2 weeks? Fix it already.
Ha, funny I should say that since they just called me. And they were out there to fix it and they did some work outside the house and if it isn't working when I come home from work tonight they'll head out some day when I'm home to work on it inside. Thanks guys :')
I'm posting from my boyfriends laptop which makes me a little uncomfortable. The site will be in his browsing history and all that. I don't want to feel like I'm trying to hide something but I also keep this pseudo-privately, ya know?
I broke up with Jon. I'm with Rob again. That's the only aspect of my life that feels consistently good right now. Me being with Rob at least. I feel bad about Jon. I hope he's okay. The rest of my life feels like someone shattered me onto the sidewalk. Like an overpriced smart phone that they can't afford to replace.
It's not all bad. Mostly my money problems. I just paid the $150 bill for my phone from a month ago. Got $81 more to go for the bill that came after that and I'll be caught up (even if it's only temporarily). Then I have a $150 bill to knock out from the doctor, a $50 payment for a different doctor bill, and $60ish for the internet bill that I just got. Plus keeping gag in the tank and food in the fridge. I'm so glad i have a boyfriend who has a job (even if he isn't taking home an insane amount of cash) who can help me with paying for food. So fucking grateful. I'm going to glomp him when I see him tonight. I've started to turn him Brony. He's fighting it, but I was playing Animal Crossing while Ponies played on my laptop and I had to call for him 3 times to get him to look at what I was trying to show him. :) heck yes.
He's added inspiration to my life. I hope I keep this one because he makes me happy. Not because I'm afraid of being alone, or because I think I can't do better or because I think we help each other. I just genuinely want to keep him in my life because I was so happy and so free when I was with him before, and I feel it again now. With half of my head shaved, wearing lots of black, and doing little artsy crap. It's awesome.
Going to try to push the positive back in. :)
XoXo,
S
Ha, funny I should say that since they just called me. And they were out there to fix it and they did some work outside the house and if it isn't working when I come home from work tonight they'll head out some day when I'm home to work on it inside. Thanks guys :')
I'm posting from my boyfriends laptop which makes me a little uncomfortable. The site will be in his browsing history and all that. I don't want to feel like I'm trying to hide something but I also keep this pseudo-privately, ya know?
I broke up with Jon. I'm with Rob again. That's the only aspect of my life that feels consistently good right now. Me being with Rob at least. I feel bad about Jon. I hope he's okay. The rest of my life feels like someone shattered me onto the sidewalk. Like an overpriced smart phone that they can't afford to replace.
It's not all bad. Mostly my money problems. I just paid the $150 bill for my phone from a month ago. Got $81 more to go for the bill that came after that and I'll be caught up (even if it's only temporarily). Then I have a $150 bill to knock out from the doctor, a $50 payment for a different doctor bill, and $60ish for the internet bill that I just got. Plus keeping gag in the tank and food in the fridge. I'm so glad i have a boyfriend who has a job (even if he isn't taking home an insane amount of cash) who can help me with paying for food. So fucking grateful. I'm going to glomp him when I see him tonight. I've started to turn him Brony. He's fighting it, but I was playing Animal Crossing while Ponies played on my laptop and I had to call for him 3 times to get him to look at what I was trying to show him. :) heck yes.
He's added inspiration to my life. I hope I keep this one because he makes me happy. Not because I'm afraid of being alone, or because I think I can't do better or because I think we help each other. I just genuinely want to keep him in my life because I was so happy and so free when I was with him before, and I feel it again now. With half of my head shaved, wearing lots of black, and doing little artsy crap. It's awesome.
Going to try to push the positive back in. :)
XoXo,
S
June 22, 2012
Because pretending to be a philanthropist is TRENDY, bitches
Toms are really ugly shoes. The don't appear to last long either, if you actually wear them a lot. And they aren't cheap. Maybe if you're the type to drop $100 on a pair of shoes they are, but a pair that cost me more than $20 is a little steep for my tastes (and actually, if you try, you can get decent shoes for $20. My nike's were on sale for $15, I've had them over a year and they're still in decent shape.)
Toms are, however, POPULAR.
Everyone I know who wears them calls them ugly and over priced. They all say the same thing though, "it's for a good cause!"
No. It's for your ego. When someone sees you wearing that ugly pair of shoes, they know you "helped a good cause." If you really wanted to help kids get shoes, you'd donate yours, and instead of giving $50-$100 to a company for a pair of shoes, you can give that $100 do a charity that puts ALL that money towards it's cause, and none towards giving YOU something to show off what a good person you are.
I'm being harsh. I know. Some people may just like them, and some people will always try to find a good excuse to spend their money and make themselves look good in the process. Yes, it's better to spend your money on something that benefits others, but I think it really says something about YOU when you can't do that without something in return. That $75 for those really ugly flats could have also gotten you a similar pair of flats for $10 at kmart, and the rest of your money could have still gone to giving shoes to a needy kid (except $65 gets more than one pair of shoes to more than one needy kid).
Weird how we choose to live in excess but still do things like this to feel better about it. I've bought a lot of summer clothes this year. I feel bad about it, because I've spend about $100 on clothes in the last month, however, I haven't owned a pair of shorts or a non-work tank top in the last 3 years, haven't had a DECENT one of either since I was about 13 (the ones I did have were in poor shape from band camp, as excessive sweating and sun exposure don't do well for clothes). I bought all 6 of my tops USED and ON SALE. All of my bottoms on sale. Because I don't like to waste money.
And anyone bitching about BOBS being a blatant rip off of TOMS? It's an overpriced piece of canvas attached to a rubber sole promising to give a pair of shoes to a needy kid for every shoe you buy. Why are you upset by this? YES, it's the same things as TOMS even in concept. I thought the point of TOMS was to give shoes to the needy, so why does it matter what company you do it from? oh yeah, it's about the NAME on YOUR SHOE, because you're EGOTISTICAL.
XoXo,
S
Toms are, however, POPULAR.
Everyone I know who wears them calls them ugly and over priced. They all say the same thing though, "it's for a good cause!"
No. It's for your ego. When someone sees you wearing that ugly pair of shoes, they know you "helped a good cause." If you really wanted to help kids get shoes, you'd donate yours, and instead of giving $50-$100 to a company for a pair of shoes, you can give that $100 do a charity that puts ALL that money towards it's cause, and none towards giving YOU something to show off what a good person you are.
I'm being harsh. I know. Some people may just like them, and some people will always try to find a good excuse to spend their money and make themselves look good in the process. Yes, it's better to spend your money on something that benefits others, but I think it really says something about YOU when you can't do that without something in return. That $75 for those really ugly flats could have also gotten you a similar pair of flats for $10 at kmart, and the rest of your money could have still gone to giving shoes to a needy kid (except $65 gets more than one pair of shoes to more than one needy kid).
Weird how we choose to live in excess but still do things like this to feel better about it. I've bought a lot of summer clothes this year. I feel bad about it, because I've spend about $100 on clothes in the last month, however, I haven't owned a pair of shorts or a non-work tank top in the last 3 years, haven't had a DECENT one of either since I was about 13 (the ones I did have were in poor shape from band camp, as excessive sweating and sun exposure don't do well for clothes). I bought all 6 of my tops USED and ON SALE. All of my bottoms on sale. Because I don't like to waste money.
And anyone bitching about BOBS being a blatant rip off of TOMS? It's an overpriced piece of canvas attached to a rubber sole promising to give a pair of shoes to a needy kid for every shoe you buy. Why are you upset by this? YES, it's the same things as TOMS even in concept. I thought the point of TOMS was to give shoes to the needy, so why does it matter what company you do it from? oh yeah, it's about the NAME on YOUR SHOE, because you're EGOTISTICAL.
XoXo,
S
June 18, 2012
Good Person Bad Person
I've been thinking about myself a lot lately, and what' I've done in my past and what I can/should change for my future and all that. Then I realized that I think way too much about myself and way too little about others. And then I thought "No, thinking too much about other people's feelings and putting mine aside is why I was in my last relationship and it was horrible. I guess I realized that I need to find balance?
I'm getting moody with Jon again and I don't like it. It may be the weather, since even in the basement it's hot as fuck. Maybe it's because Jon hasn't been doing much with himself and I feel like I'm carrying a lot of the weight of the bills. He doesn't ask me for money or anything, but we share my car... but it's MY car. And my gas, and my insurance and my overall investment (even though a car really can't be considered and investment since it fucking loses all it's value over a short period of time with minimal damage). But someone else drives it around like their own. People I don't know ride in it. The back seat gets littered with things that can rip open the upholstery or scratch the vinyl (but the stuff never gets put on the floor for some reason) and there's trash everywhere that isn't mine. And I'm the only one who's hurt when someone's amp puts a dent in the side where it can't be popped out. I'm the only one who loses money with a pedal put a deep scratch in the door vinyl or when their solo cup gets plopped into the cup holder and it splashes all over the seat because it's a fucking cup with no lid that isn't being held.
I think there are two kinds of guys in the world. The one's who want to you to be their mother and have you take care of them, and the ones who want to be your father and control (under the disguise of "guide" and "take care of" you). That's a generalization. But I'm frustrated. Finding a job isn't easy, but when you don't seem to be trying it's going to be 100X's harder.
And I've been talking to my ex's. Rob and Spencer. Two people who never did a thing in the world to hurt me, but I hurt them and for some reason they both (to some degree) forgive me. I hurt them, I was bad to them, and they forgave me. I'm basically a terrible person doing terrible things to good people. At least that's what it feels like. And now I feel like I'm doing that to Jon. But I'm not going to leave him, and cheat on him or whatever. I just keep feeling bitchy, and he keeps being the only one around to take it. If I had more friends to bitch to I could relieve some of that, but all my friends are guys and that makes boyfriends uncomfortable.
Oh well. I'll keep losing sleep over it until something else happens for me to think about.
XoXo,
S
I'm getting moody with Jon again and I don't like it. It may be the weather, since even in the basement it's hot as fuck. Maybe it's because Jon hasn't been doing much with himself and I feel like I'm carrying a lot of the weight of the bills. He doesn't ask me for money or anything, but we share my car... but it's MY car. And my gas, and my insurance and my overall investment (even though a car really can't be considered and investment since it fucking loses all it's value over a short period of time with minimal damage). But someone else drives it around like their own. People I don't know ride in it. The back seat gets littered with things that can rip open the upholstery or scratch the vinyl (but the stuff never gets put on the floor for some reason) and there's trash everywhere that isn't mine. And I'm the only one who's hurt when someone's amp puts a dent in the side where it can't be popped out. I'm the only one who loses money with a pedal put a deep scratch in the door vinyl or when their solo cup gets plopped into the cup holder and it splashes all over the seat because it's a fucking cup with no lid that isn't being held.
I think there are two kinds of guys in the world. The one's who want to you to be their mother and have you take care of them, and the ones who want to be your father and control (under the disguise of "guide" and "take care of" you). That's a generalization. But I'm frustrated. Finding a job isn't easy, but when you don't seem to be trying it's going to be 100X's harder.
And I've been talking to my ex's. Rob and Spencer. Two people who never did a thing in the world to hurt me, but I hurt them and for some reason they both (to some degree) forgive me. I hurt them, I was bad to them, and they forgave me. I'm basically a terrible person doing terrible things to good people. At least that's what it feels like. And now I feel like I'm doing that to Jon. But I'm not going to leave him, and cheat on him or whatever. I just keep feeling bitchy, and he keeps being the only one around to take it. If I had more friends to bitch to I could relieve some of that, but all my friends are guys and that makes boyfriends uncomfortable.
Oh well. I'll keep losing sleep over it until something else happens for me to think about.
XoXo,
S
June 06, 2012
Finishing the HG series (obviously spoilers)
I finished it last night, but I didn't even know what to say. I still don't, really. I think I had my thoughts on it pretty well organized last night. I didn't think Katniss would let Coin live, especially after the bombs and poor little Prim. There's nothing okay with killing for the sake of getting your way in a war. Snow was right on one thing, he never really killed someone without a personal purpose. He wouldn't have a reason to just bomb loads of capitol children, because ultimately that was what made the Capitol turn from Snow. If he wanted to make the rebels look bad he sure as hell wouldn't have had the capitols symbol along with the hovercraft.
I never liked Coin. Her desire to have a new Hunger Games (even if only once) was repulsive. So the rebels wanted all of the people in the Capitol to die? Get the hell over it. They were fickle and vain but they were living the life they were raised with. If they refuse to lessen their greed and lifestyle, I can see room for hate, but to just expect them to become the districts idea of normal is about as crazy as the Capitol expecting the district people to conform to their lifestyles.
There's good revenge and bad revenge. Doing what someone else did to you may feel like good revenge, but in this case, I'd say no. It's children. It had been done 75 times before then, and that's 75 times too many. The people who ran the country were the ones choosing to continue this ritual. Had they stopped, the people of the Capitol may have been upset but they seemed to not have the desire to defy their leaders. The people in charge were given a trial and killed. There's literally no reason to let more children die.
I haven't felt so much from a book in a long time. So obviously the moment I start liking a character they have to die. And obviously almost everyone I loved had to die. Except for Peeta and Katniss. Them being together in the end... Well, its all I have to hold onto.
I remember when Haymitch told Katniss that she could live 100 lifetimes and not deserve Peeta and all she could respond with was "I know," because she didn't know how much she needed and appreciated him until he was hijacked. Then I got to cuddle with my boyfriend who is endlessly kind and patient and loving to me, who thinks the world of me, while I fell asleep. I don't think I'd have been able to handle it any other way.
XoXo,
S
I never liked Coin. Her desire to have a new Hunger Games (even if only once) was repulsive. So the rebels wanted all of the people in the Capitol to die? Get the hell over it. They were fickle and vain but they were living the life they were raised with. If they refuse to lessen their greed and lifestyle, I can see room for hate, but to just expect them to become the districts idea of normal is about as crazy as the Capitol expecting the district people to conform to their lifestyles.
There's good revenge and bad revenge. Doing what someone else did to you may feel like good revenge, but in this case, I'd say no. It's children. It had been done 75 times before then, and that's 75 times too many. The people who ran the country were the ones choosing to continue this ritual. Had they stopped, the people of the Capitol may have been upset but they seemed to not have the desire to defy their leaders. The people in charge were given a trial and killed. There's literally no reason to let more children die.
I haven't felt so much from a book in a long time. So obviously the moment I start liking a character they have to die. And obviously almost everyone I loved had to die. Except for Peeta and Katniss. Them being together in the end... Well, its all I have to hold onto.
I remember when Haymitch told Katniss that she could live 100 lifetimes and not deserve Peeta and all she could respond with was "I know," because she didn't know how much she needed and appreciated him until he was hijacked. Then I got to cuddle with my boyfriend who is endlessly kind and patient and loving to me, who thinks the world of me, while I fell asleep. I don't think I'd have been able to handle it any other way.
XoXo,
S
Finishing the Hunger Games Series (minimal spoilers if any)
1) Seneca Crane, why must you and your beard be so sexy in that movie? Why is that the ONLY movie you're going to be in with the sexy beard and sexiness? You were there for so little. I'll never get more now ;_;
2) (the real post)
I think I read The Hunger Games series at the right time in my life. It's made me realize so many things about myself that I see in Katniss. The abrasiveness to people who love me unconditionally, and not seeing all the strength others seem to see in me. Trying so hard to defend the people I love, even if it's their desire to be the one saving me. The plot. Oh, the plot. The revolution, the threat of nuclear attack, the many many lost lives. The big problem with me reading stories where I love the main characters is that those are the captivating amazing stories the lace the facts of life into them. People die. Especially in times of war. People are used. People are tortured and some peoples lives are only valued to the extent of their usefulness to the cause. Stuff like that may be very well going on right now and we don't even know because we don't care to and no one cares to tell us.
It feels like it's almost a real future. Instead of feeling helpless though (which I've been feeling since trying to process most of the 3rd book) I've decided the best way to react is to learn and try to be a good compassionate person. I noticed that while it was easy for Katniss to hate the people in the capitol that she's never met, she loves her prep team. She realizes that just because they're bizarre looking and care about trivial crap, they're still good loving caring people. They just are what they know. Even though they enjoy their lifestyles in the capitol they don't do so with hatred in their hearts for the districts. It's hard to hate your enemy when you realize that not all of them are evil. Not all of them have ill plans and deep seeded hatred for you. They're just like us, caught up in a fight.
I don't know what else to say about it. It's been making me think too much but I like it. I love feeling sad, and I love feeling lonely and I love the feeling I get when I mourn the loss of a character I liked. I've been listening to the saddest of the dolls songs on top of all of this. The sadness is what keeps me sane, and helps me realize I'm still a person, just like everyone else who acts as hard as I do.
XoXo,
S
2) (the real post)
I think I read The Hunger Games series at the right time in my life. It's made me realize so many things about myself that I see in Katniss. The abrasiveness to people who love me unconditionally, and not seeing all the strength others seem to see in me. Trying so hard to defend the people I love, even if it's their desire to be the one saving me. The plot. Oh, the plot. The revolution, the threat of nuclear attack, the many many lost lives. The big problem with me reading stories where I love the main characters is that those are the captivating amazing stories the lace the facts of life into them. People die. Especially in times of war. People are used. People are tortured and some peoples lives are only valued to the extent of their usefulness to the cause. Stuff like that may be very well going on right now and we don't even know because we don't care to and no one cares to tell us.
It feels like it's almost a real future. Instead of feeling helpless though (which I've been feeling since trying to process most of the 3rd book) I've decided the best way to react is to learn and try to be a good compassionate person. I noticed that while it was easy for Katniss to hate the people in the capitol that she's never met, she loves her prep team. She realizes that just because they're bizarre looking and care about trivial crap, they're still good loving caring people. They just are what they know. Even though they enjoy their lifestyles in the capitol they don't do so with hatred in their hearts for the districts. It's hard to hate your enemy when you realize that not all of them are evil. Not all of them have ill plans and deep seeded hatred for you. They're just like us, caught up in a fight.
I don't know what else to say about it. It's been making me think too much but I like it. I love feeling sad, and I love feeling lonely and I love the feeling I get when I mourn the loss of a character I liked. I've been listening to the saddest of the dolls songs on top of all of this. The sadness is what keeps me sane, and helps me realize I'm still a person, just like everyone else who acts as hard as I do.
XoXo,
S
May 31, 2012
Thick Minds
I thought I was making it really clear through my facebook statuses that I was LOVING The Hunger Games. I haven't read in AGES and I finished the book in maybe two weeks while only reading it on my breaks at work for the first half of the novel. I finished the last half in a day.
I talked about how EXCITED I was to see the movie this Friday.
I even said I was planning on buying myself a set of hardback copies to put on my bookshelf next to my harry potter books (which normally have a shelf to themselves for how much I love them).
If that doesn't properly describe how into these books I am I don't know how else to explain it.
So why bother telling me that you hated the movie and that you thought it was a "snooze fest" while also telling me you never touched the books and didn't want to go see it? If you had no expectations, didn't bother with the books and didn't like it, then OBVIOUSLY your opinion of it will be different than someone who is the opposite in every aspect?
Also, why so much bitchy? You don't bitch out someone from a company over a misunderstanding. It's childish. The way MOST people handle those situations is ridiculous. If someone talked to me like that outside of work they'd lose teeth over how hard I punched their face. You treat humans like humans no matter what the situation (unless they are actively and purposefully trying to lessen your life. Not hitting the senior discount button, sending you the wrong package or not smiling enough during your transaction in no way lessens your life. Actively and purposefully trying to lower your self esteem is lessening your life.
ANYWAY. Being an opinionated person isn't bad, but not knowing when it is and isn't appropriate to give someone your opinion is always trait you should work towards getting.
XoXo,
S
I talked about how EXCITED I was to see the movie this Friday.
I even said I was planning on buying myself a set of hardback copies to put on my bookshelf next to my harry potter books (which normally have a shelf to themselves for how much I love them).
If that doesn't properly describe how into these books I am I don't know how else to explain it.
So why bother telling me that you hated the movie and that you thought it was a "snooze fest" while also telling me you never touched the books and didn't want to go see it? If you had no expectations, didn't bother with the books and didn't like it, then OBVIOUSLY your opinion of it will be different than someone who is the opposite in every aspect?
Also, why so much bitchy? You don't bitch out someone from a company over a misunderstanding. It's childish. The way MOST people handle those situations is ridiculous. If someone talked to me like that outside of work they'd lose teeth over how hard I punched their face. You treat humans like humans no matter what the situation (unless they are actively and purposefully trying to lessen your life. Not hitting the senior discount button, sending you the wrong package or not smiling enough during your transaction in no way lessens your life. Actively and purposefully trying to lower your self esteem is lessening your life.
ANYWAY. Being an opinionated person isn't bad, but not knowing when it is and isn't appropriate to give someone your opinion is always trait you should work towards getting.
XoXo,
S
May 30, 2012
Hunger Games and the Love Story (spoilers) and the Lies the fans told me
I feel kinda of lied to by hunger games fans.
They said the love story was too played up in the movie, and that it wasn't a big part of the story in the book. I just read the book. The love story is a huge part of it. Maybe not in a truthful way, but they make a point to play up the love story, even if it's only for show. Even if Katniss isn't crazy in love with Peeta and just wants to be able to live without having to kill him... How can a movie play that up more? It's VITAL to the story. They wouldn't have both gotten to live if they hadn't played up the love story. They would have died in the capital if Katniss hadn't pretended to be madly (no, INSANELY) in love with Peeta.
Their suicide/middle finger to the Capital would have meant a tragic accident towards her if they hadn't been believable.
How can a movie play up the love story more? By making it clear that Katniss had some confusion towards he actual feelings towards Peeta and Gale? I doubt they'd actually have her fall in love with him because there are two other books that I assume follow her as the character (and that assumption may be my flaw in thinking, but I want to go into them clueless so the adventure is a mystery) so how would they pull of the next two movies without raping the books if they didn't have it end with them not being together and her admitting that she was just trying to survive by appealing to the crowd..
Maybe I shouldn't feel so lied to. But I read these complaints before reading the books. I kept reading and thinking the it was going to change and move in a different direction until I was a little over halfway through. I kept thinking the "love story" was about to end and it didn't.
I'm excited about going to see the movie though. I loved the book so much. And the next one is waiting for me at my dad's :o
xoxo,
s
They said the love story was too played up in the movie, and that it wasn't a big part of the story in the book. I just read the book. The love story is a huge part of it. Maybe not in a truthful way, but they make a point to play up the love story, even if it's only for show. Even if Katniss isn't crazy in love with Peeta and just wants to be able to live without having to kill him... How can a movie play that up more? It's VITAL to the story. They wouldn't have both gotten to live if they hadn't played up the love story. They would have died in the capital if Katniss hadn't pretended to be madly (no, INSANELY) in love with Peeta.
Their suicide/middle finger to the Capital would have meant a tragic accident towards her if they hadn't been believable.
How can a movie play up the love story more? By making it clear that Katniss had some confusion towards he actual feelings towards Peeta and Gale? I doubt they'd actually have her fall in love with him because there are two other books that I assume follow her as the character (and that assumption may be my flaw in thinking, but I want to go into them clueless so the adventure is a mystery) so how would they pull of the next two movies without raping the books if they didn't have it end with them not being together and her admitting that she was just trying to survive by appealing to the crowd..
Maybe I shouldn't feel so lied to. But I read these complaints before reading the books. I kept reading and thinking the it was going to change and move in a different direction until I was a little over halfway through. I kept thinking the "love story" was about to end and it didn't.
I'm excited about going to see the movie though. I loved the book so much. And the next one is waiting for me at my dad's :o
xoxo,
s
May 25, 2012
passiveness
For the 2nd night in a row it's 3am and I'm not tired.
I've been wondering lately, about how and when I became so passive. Things that actually bother me... Don't bother me. If that makes sense. I just have a really hard time reacting to anything I hear about unless I'm confronting it personally (and only then for a short amount of time.
I'm just sitting here like "yeah.. that's retarded" but I have no passion for anything like that.
I've been taking an emotion balancing vitamin called St. John's Wort. Only been taking it for a bit now, and it's crazy that I have to take a vitamin 3 times a day but it's supposed to be great at helping people deal with moderate depression and anxiety. I was flipping out a few days ago and I thought "how long am I honestly going to let myself do this to the people I love?" I really can't help it when it's anxiety. When it's depression I'm not moody and I can usually act happy and just fee sad. When it's anxiety it takes my whole life, spits in its face and calls it a slut. My heart beats too fast, I have trouble breathing, I'm on the brink of crying for HOURS (sometimes DAYS ) and I can't calm myself down. I'm a wreck and I can't seem to control snapping at the people I love.
Then we were getting some melatonin for Jon so he could sleep and I found the emotional balance medicine nearby.
I'm not saying that's what's caused my painful passiveness. It's not. I've been like this just about any time I'm not in an anxiety-filled fit. What I wonder is, how long will I take this before i decided that I'd rather be freaking out constantly than not depressed, because I already have such little drive and passion. Maybe I'm over-exaggerating. Yeah, I am. I actually can't think of a reason to not take these. If I need to find passion, I'll find another way.
Maybe it's a sign of me growing up more? I can't get pissed off over things that aren't hurting me because I know I need to focus on my own life and getting myself in order before I take care of the needs of others?
I don't know. And I think it's time to force myself to sleep. I have lots to do on my day off tomorrow.
XoXo,
S
I've been wondering lately, about how and when I became so passive. Things that actually bother me... Don't bother me. If that makes sense. I just have a really hard time reacting to anything I hear about unless I'm confronting it personally (and only then for a short amount of time.
I'm just sitting here like "yeah.. that's retarded" but I have no passion for anything like that.
I've been taking an emotion balancing vitamin called St. John's Wort. Only been taking it for a bit now, and it's crazy that I have to take a vitamin 3 times a day but it's supposed to be great at helping people deal with moderate depression and anxiety. I was flipping out a few days ago and I thought "how long am I honestly going to let myself do this to the people I love?" I really can't help it when it's anxiety. When it's depression I'm not moody and I can usually act happy and just fee sad. When it's anxiety it takes my whole life, spits in its face and calls it a slut. My heart beats too fast, I have trouble breathing, I'm on the brink of crying for HOURS (sometimes DAYS ) and I can't calm myself down. I'm a wreck and I can't seem to control snapping at the people I love.
Then we were getting some melatonin for Jon so he could sleep and I found the emotional balance medicine nearby.
I'm not saying that's what's caused my painful passiveness. It's not. I've been like this just about any time I'm not in an anxiety-filled fit. What I wonder is, how long will I take this before i decided that I'd rather be freaking out constantly than not depressed, because I already have such little drive and passion. Maybe I'm over-exaggerating. Yeah, I am. I actually can't think of a reason to not take these. If I need to find passion, I'll find another way.
Maybe it's a sign of me growing up more? I can't get pissed off over things that aren't hurting me because I know I need to focus on my own life and getting myself in order before I take care of the needs of others?
I don't know. And I think it's time to force myself to sleep. I have lots to do on my day off tomorrow.
XoXo,
S
May 21, 2012
El Phono
I had a great idea for a post while I was working and I told myself it was too awesome to forget so I didn't write it down. Yeah, I forgot.
I finally got my new phone. It cost me lots and lots of money (about $200 before the mail in rebate of $50). It's not a smart phone. It doesn't have games that I can play. It doesn't connect to the internet. It's a phone, a messaging device, and a camera. I think it also has basic stuff like an alarm and a notepad and a calendar that you can put stuff on, but hell if I know. It's basic. I LOVE it. I want to text EVERYONE because I'm not tied to facebook through my phone anymore. When I'm bored I don't get on facebook, I text someone. Hopefully it's a lot cheaper because I'm on the plan all by myself now. Unlimited text, 450 call minutes a month. That's all I freaking need. I may not even need unlimited text but who knows, maybe this will the be start of super talker me.
I'm glad I finally did it. And if I keep my old smartphone charged I can still connect to wifi with it, and I think i still have blue tooth, which means I can put my pictures from my new phone onto my old one and then mount it as a USB (I'm not sure how to get the pictures onto my laptop since it doesn't have blue tooth like my last one did).
anyway, jon made me a cute snack so I'm going to eats it now.
XoXo,
S
I finally got my new phone. It cost me lots and lots of money (about $200 before the mail in rebate of $50). It's not a smart phone. It doesn't have games that I can play. It doesn't connect to the internet. It's a phone, a messaging device, and a camera. I think it also has basic stuff like an alarm and a notepad and a calendar that you can put stuff on, but hell if I know. It's basic. I LOVE it. I want to text EVERYONE because I'm not tied to facebook through my phone anymore. When I'm bored I don't get on facebook, I text someone. Hopefully it's a lot cheaper because I'm on the plan all by myself now. Unlimited text, 450 call minutes a month. That's all I freaking need. I may not even need unlimited text but who knows, maybe this will the be start of super talker me.
I'm glad I finally did it. And if I keep my old smartphone charged I can still connect to wifi with it, and I think i still have blue tooth, which means I can put my pictures from my new phone onto my old one and then mount it as a USB (I'm not sure how to get the pictures onto my laptop since it doesn't have blue tooth like my last one did).
anyway, jon made me a cute snack so I'm going to eats it now.
XoXo,
S
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