I think that sometimes it takes pain and chaos and confusion to make you realize things.
I'm asexual. I'm virtually aromantic. I pegged myself with that over a year ago. On top of that I'm really introverted. I don't just like space and time alone. I need it. It's how I think and how I keep myself together. It's how I recharge. I've spent most of the last 3 days alone at home and it's been amazing. I feel so good right now.
I've also learned something that's kind of disappointing. Depression. It's fading.
I always thought that the opposite of depression was happiness. That's just not true, because depression isn't an emotion, it's a disorder. You can be happy and depressed. I have been so I know this. I think that when you suffer from depression you have this romanticized idea of what life is like without it. Other people who don't suffer from it seem so happy.
They aren't happy because they don't have depression. Happiness is what happens when you get out and find things to be happy about. When you're depressed you don't go out as much. When you're depressed for a really long time you develop the habit of never going out. When you're depressed and introverted you don't go out.
So, what I'm learning now...
Is that I'm much happier when I have a lot of time to myself. But I also need to make time for people to hang out. When I'm always around someone (my boyfriend) I feel drained all the time because I'm introverted and I never get out and on top of that I never get time alone. And I'm feel horrible all the time.
I don't think I need to be in a relationship right now. I don't think I need to be living with someone else. I think I need to be independent. I miss independence.
XoXo,
S
