Self Piercings

I was talking with Brittany about piercings. I think I want to buy a shit-ton of sterile needles and experiment on myself.

I have my lobes pretty well finished as far as piercings go (one more on my left, one more on my right) so I was looking up the many many tutorials on piercing your own cartilage (I'm wanting the lower cartilage on my right done, and outer conch on my left. Possibly a Helix if those go well, since it looks a bit more complicated.) and I'm surprised how stupid some people are.

You can't sterilize a safety pin. Maybe a sewing needle (and that's a big maybe, it's still not surgical quality metals.) In fact, you should use a needle like that to begin with, you want one that is hollow in the center. Sterile, hollow centered piercing needles are like $2 at most online. I pierced my lobe with a safety pin once, and it got really nasty, so when it finally healed it had built up a nasty little lump of scar tissue. You don't fucking want that. I took it out completely and let it heal, and let me tell you, re-piercing it was painful as fuck. Scar tissue is not your friend.

Then, I finally got along to gauging it, and because the scar tissue doesn't stretch, the quality of the gauge in that ear is pretty shitty, and it tore a few times, which you really don't want because it ends in more scar tissue. That inevitably leads to more pain and more tear and even more shitty scar tissue if you gauge up again (which I plan to. See how I fucked future self by using that safety pin?)

But anyway. My only fear with the cartilage is getting the bubble from it. I'm not too concerned with shattering my cartilage, honestly, because I'll be using a hollow needle and not a gun, but to this day, I've yet to receive a consistent answer for what it is. If you don't know what it is, you can't prevent it, or treat it when it happens. I'm not a big fan of the unknown when it comes to my body.

I guess I'll be researching more. Maybe I'll end up going to a parlor for a tattoo or something and end up asking them then. Hopefully I get the needles with my next check (I have a lot of bills that will probably go on that check, and will be starting my new phone plan with it and the money I've saved up) so I'll keep you updated on how that pans out. If it ends well enough, I'll try for piercing other things (on other people, for free.)

XoXo
a now aspiring body piercer. Thanks Brit :p

Another Year

Been playing WoW. Stomach ache all weekend, then a migraine today, and that pit of your stomach/back of your throat feeling that you get when you're just starting to come down with something. Exhaustion.

Mellow music, almost every night. Amanda Palmer, obviously, Rob Zombie, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Slipknot's Vermilion pt. 2. I've never felt so artistic and so unhappy about it.

If nothing else in my lifetime, I want to create something truly thought provoking. I want to make art, and I want to relax and be myself and be around the people who understand me.

I want a new tattoo, or new piercing or new mod of any kind. Elf ears. They'd be fun to pierce.

I think I'm going to make a video of the fall. Something that makes no sense but for some reason makes you laugh or cry. One of those movies that just touches you in a way that you don't quite understand and forces you to think, even if you don't know what about. The kind of thing that inspires you, but not in a way that you can express or explain. I need to know that I can make people feel. That is the only thing you can truly accomplish in life, and if you don't you're existence is hollow.

Random Frantic Action

No Amanda, I cannot see the means without the end.

I try. But I can't. I can't spend thousands of dollars going to college and learning if I know it will show no real meaning once it's done. There's no end to those means, just debt. I don't want to work in a fucking office. I don't want to be a doctor, I don't want to be a lawyer or a social worker or vet or accountant. No amount of telling me to do so will change that. There's no reason for me to suffer through classes I don't care about, which will take time out of my work schedule and make it hard to pay bills, just so I can get a degree that will sit in my closet and go unused.

And no, I can't spend my life just hoping that putting up with someone I love will end up well for me. I prefer sure things to shots in the dark.

I'm tired of being home alone all the time. I knew it'd be the case when I moved in. But then, when people are here I just want to be alone.

I have a ton of extra money from this check. Maybe not a TON, because this will normally be where my phone bill kicks in, but I have spending money and I don't even feel like spending it. That's fucking insane. Spending money is my favorite past time.

Then I went to Fort Wayne today, with Brandon, as friends. At first he was acting like we were together, and "accidentally" running into me from behind, and hanging on me and so on. I told him I wanted him to stop. I don't like having my emotions played with. He said several times "I see you as more of a friend than a girlfriend" so I expect him to act like it. Then, he was being a douche the rest of the time, trying to upset me with our 'singleness.' by acting like he didn't care that he was commenting on random girls in front of me. Then was surprised when I called him a dick and walked off.

Jacob went to Cedar Point with his girlfriend and some friends, and I've been here alone since yesterday morning. Went to BWW yesterday with my family, but it only made me realize how much I like not being around my mom and sister (if they keep fucking talking about my dad like that, I'll stop talking to them altogether. He never says a word against them behind their backs. EVER and she's fucking 13 and pregnant.) I'm tired of them. And tired of my family pressuring me to go to college, and upset with the fact that it takes my sister getting knocked up to get my family to accept me. I know I'm not as fucked up as her, but do you really need the comparision just to accept me?

I really fucking want to see Rob Zombie. I think the concert is either late October or Early November. I can barely afford it (and will scrimp and save to get to go since I fucking LOVE him) but I don't want to go alone, and can't stand to go with Brandon (I'll either be upset the whole time, mad at him, or he'll be acting like were still together. Can't fucking win) and I can't think of a single person I'd want to go to a concert in Indy with. Plus, being in Indy only reminds me that I never hear from Michelle anymore.

I just want to fucking see Rob Zombie. And get shit sorted out, and put it through peoples heads that college isn't important to me (neither is money, really. That's why I don't mind buying everything secondhand).

Fuck Life. Screw the means with no end.
I want a new AFP album, asap. I need the therapy.

X0X0

Zombieland Birthday

Did I post about my birthday? No, I don't think I did. Well, it was baaad. The gifts were sweet, but the day sucked ass. So many bad things happened that I was pretty run down. It's cool though, cuz I have sweet Hello Kitty fleecey pajama pants, cute candles, balloons, MONEY, and make-up bags (and the Craig payed for me to go to the movies today with my brother, him, and Dan and their friends.

I'm going to be having to go into work an hour earlier on Tuesday from now on, because our new premium apple wood smoked bacon (which is fucking delicious) is cooked in the oven, which I happen to clean every Tuesday, and instead of taking 20-30 minutes it take about an hour and a half. But it's an hour more of pay a week :D YES.

Zombieland. I saw it today. It was fucking brilliant. Words can't explain how much I love that movie. It's definitely in my top 10 movies. It's even a ZOMBIE MOVIE. I think, after this movie, that my fear of zombies has been reduced to an average fear, instead of the intense one from back in my freshman year/8th grade. Thanks to Brandon slowly forcing and tricking me into watch movies like Resident Evil (which, despite scaring the shit out of me, I kinda liked) and now a humorous zombie movie, I'm over it (mostly...)

I love that girl too. I think she's the girl in Sex Drive, and in that movie that I didn't really like... Superbad, that's it. I love her voice, mostly. Girls with long hair and blunt cut bangs aren't really unique to my standard day, but her voice is unique.

Also, I've been doing a bunch of typist tests. The same one, actually... But over and over and over. I always thought I was a fast typist, but fuck, only 66 correct words per minute. Fffffffffffffffffffffff-. I'm finally got 67, but I want to type 100 per minute by the end of the year (lets see how long this pans out, haha)

Cashing the check dad gave me tomorrow. YAY :D I think I'm gonna buy some ducktape. I've been thinking out a new coin purse. Possibly with magnets. Idk. But I want to make a new one, maybe sell some. who knows. I just need a non-internet hobby. haha.

OOH, yes, That book I ordered from Border's, Voice of the Blood, they canceled my order. BASTARDS. I didn't want to buy them used, because I enjoy breaking in a new book (knowing those little creases are from me reading and enjoying the book. Ah, the little things. One must appreciate them. Zombieland said so. I'm also craving a twinkie.

X0X0

Letters

Dear Thinks Your an Artist,
Over edited photos, generic macro-like flower shots, and paintings with no heart, no matter how beautiful they may look (okay, over edited photos just look cheap and over-edited) have no meaning, no flavor and aren't art. They're wall-hangings, profile pictures, things to put in a scrap book and good pieces to work around for things like computer backgrounds and other things across the internet that need to be pretty, but art they are not. I could go into this further, but knowing your dry, boring, and way too closed minded personality I can tell that nothing will get through to you. The greatest artists don't just make a pretty picture, the put forth imagination beyond a painting of a silhouette to a red sunrise. They're art invokes something in people that can't be put into words, and by invoke I don't just mean they are impressed with quality and color. There's no art without heart, and there's no heart without a deeper feeling (a passion that you can only explain through your work.)

Dear former friend,
the only thing your astrological sign says about you that you actually are is two faced, indecisive and superficial. You are not witty (the requires wit) you may get those annoying hyper phases, but your generally lazy and therefor not energetic and your certainly not clever or imaginative. :\ delusional maybe, but not imaginative.

Dear Recently Ex-Boyfriend,
You make me fucking insane. Your general lack of caring, you victim stance on every situation, and your inability to comprehend situation or apply past ones to the present (just because they aren't exact.)

Dear brother,
I may not pay as much of my check towards bills and food, but I do nearly all the cleaning, and ALL the dishes, and all of the laundry that is not personal (towels and such) and I've been taking out the trash a lot lately, because you haven't been home to do it. Yes, you pay the bills (only a little more than half of them, that is. I still pay quite a chunk of them) and I play the role of the domestic girl. I was afraid that I would be the one leaving messes for you to clean up, who'd have thought it'd be the other way around.

Dear Best Friend From a Distance,
I'd make time for you, I would. I'd clear my schedule for you because I miss you. I'd accept mere hours of your time, because it'd mean an hour of catching up. I haven't heard from you in weeks. We speak maybe once or twice every other month. Is it really so much to ask that I get an hour of your time when I'm in the area? Of for an hour of yours when your up here? I've never been around so many people than I am now, but I've never felt so alone and so unhappy. I'm honestly wondering if this is where we've finally drifted apart completely past the point of being compatible anymore. The point where friends try to hang out and end up in a long awkward silence because too much has changed. I suppose I should just be happy that I was able to have that kind of connection with another person, because some people never do.

Dear brother's friend,
I don't think of you like that. I hope you know that. It's nothing person, you're just too much of a brother to me.

Dear Grandma,
Now that my sister is pregnant, everyone in the family has seemingly learned to accept me. I hate that the only way you can all truly accept who I am in through the comparison with her, and the fact that I "could be worse." My sister could also be worse, surprising as it may sound. I could also be 'better' in your eyes, so why settle for me just because I'm not knocked up? I hurts. It really does. I'd have rather you insulted my hair, asked me to be normal, and told me I was ruining my life.

Much Love