well michelle, when I go to your profile page, your blog link doesn't appear anymore, and when I type in your name it says that page doesn't exist or something :(
I'm feeling too normal too, even though I've got my bright colored pants, and my coffin shaped purse, but still, that's kinda more normal now (in my eyes at least)...
You can always be a child-at-heart-adult. The ones who can pay the bills but is still super crazy and fun.
I feel too much like an adult right now too. Sometimes... other times I wish I was a little more grown up. I think I'm going to go with the former though, and try to act more like a little kid. :D
anywho.
I've been showering Brandon with love the past few days. I'm doing everything I can to make sure he knows how much I appreciate him before he goes. Just to kill any doubt in his mind. He's my baby. I saw him for like, 2 minutes when he stopped into wendy's on his break, and it killed me to let him go when we hugged. I miss him :( and we've only been apart for a day or so.. Imagine when he's in jail! then I went to Rural King when I was off work and I just sat there and talked to him while he worked, cuz i MISSED HIM THAT MUCH. I could tell he missed me too. I mean, he said "i love you" a million times, he does that when we've been apart for a while.
We're going to go see Tantric tomorrow I think :D fun, right? and going to the halloween shop saturday after he gets off work.
I just got my N64 to work! (well, actually jacob cleaned it for me last week, but I just now plugged it in to play...) and after about 10 minutes I remembered that I SUCK ASS at video games. I've played EVERY game that I have ever played, and after a few minutes said "fuck it" cuz I can't win. I now remember why I stuck to playing Pokemon on Gameboy.
oh well. maybe I'll get a play station 3 so I can play Guitar Hero. I beat it on easy. And it's fun to play, even when I'm loosing, cuz it's good music.
welll... I don't know where I'm going with all of this.
so Much <3
S
(and I hope we figure out why you bloggy isn't working michelle. Maybe you took me off your preffered list? I'm usuing my Hotmail account here instead of my Gmail)
September 25, 2008
September 24, 2008
I'm getting a new coffin purse (maybe) from ebay. It's got a black bat on it, and straps that can either make it a backpack, or an over the shoulder purse. it's also larger than the one I have. But I still gotta win the auction. Also bidding on some $10, perfect condition converse. They're grey and pink, which doesn't totally interest me, but it'll be nice to have just in case.
I'm also browsing cloths now. It's hard to get the look I want without wearing something that screams "lyk omg! I think im so gothic"
I just want some cute black shirts, or cute dark colors or colors with black. Or normal things with cute gothy accents.
oh well. I'll just try to make stuff myself and see where that gets me.
I'm just going through and bidding on almost anything that'll fit me that's under $5... I feel like spending a bit of cash, but making it a bit harder for myself than just clicking and putting in my card number.
idk. I'm happy right now, but I feel really lonely. I miss Brandon, and I miss having friends.
I'm bored.
I'm also browsing cloths now. It's hard to get the look I want without wearing something that screams "lyk omg! I think im so gothic"
I just want some cute black shirts, or cute dark colors or colors with black. Or normal things with cute gothy accents.
oh well. I'll just try to make stuff myself and see where that gets me.
I'm just going through and bidding on almost anything that'll fit me that's under $5... I feel like spending a bit of cash, but making it a bit harder for myself than just clicking and putting in my card number.
idk. I'm happy right now, but I feel really lonely. I miss Brandon, and I miss having friends.
I'm bored.
September 23, 2008
i was right, i was right!
oh, btw, I've also decided to not go to homecoming. I still have a few more years that I could go, so I'd much rather hang out with Brandon that night, even if he's at work.
And Brandon admitted that I was right about Rebecca, she hasn't been showing up for work, and went back to her abusive boyfriend. Her friend went into Rural King and told Brandon it was because she couldn't get with him.
it's strange how I can feel pulled blindly by jealousy, but in the end I generally end up being right to follow my intuition.
This means a few things, firstly that I know now that I can trust my first instinct, secondly, I know I can trust Brandon to be just friends with other girls. and thirdly, well. I don't know. I'm sure there's something else that I learned.
anyway, just thought I'd gloat SOMEWHERE about how I was right about her :D cuz I won't gloat at Brandon, I wouldn't want to make him feel bad for not listening to me. He's a sweety, he just wanted to help someone out.
much <3
s
And Brandon admitted that I was right about Rebecca, she hasn't been showing up for work, and went back to her abusive boyfriend. Her friend went into Rural King and told Brandon it was because she couldn't get with him.
it's strange how I can feel pulled blindly by jealousy, but in the end I generally end up being right to follow my intuition.
This means a few things, firstly that I know now that I can trust my first instinct, secondly, I know I can trust Brandon to be just friends with other girls. and thirdly, well. I don't know. I'm sure there's something else that I learned.
anyway, just thought I'd gloat SOMEWHERE about how I was right about her :D cuz I won't gloat at Brandon, I wouldn't want to make him feel bad for not listening to me. He's a sweety, he just wanted to help someone out.
much <3
s
gothify me, capp'n
haha, they blocked out the picture that I put in for the porn! :D must not be allowed?
anyway. I'm home for the night, and tomorrow night, and the night after (I think) cuz tomorrow is Brandon's day off and he wants to hang out with his other friends for a bit to say bye to them. Greg and Albert, basically. And then, I WAS going to be coming over Thursday after work, but I have an orthodontist appointment the next morning, so I can't :(
it's supposed to be the appointment where they make the mold for my retainer. It's not gonna be. I'm kinda feeling mixed emotions, cuz I want them to get the braces off just to simplify my life, but at the same time, brandon -likes- me with braces. Told me that he thought they were really cute and that he'd miss them, and personally, I'd rather they finish the job that my mom spent a couple thousand dollars on. My one front tooth is STILL smooshed behind another a little. Sure, you can't see it from the front, but I -feel- it. And they aren't aligned anymore, which really makes me mad >:( no way are they giving me un-aligned top and bottom teeth.
Anyway. besides dressing becki for her homecoming dance, I've done NOTHING artistic but ideas. I've always been more of an idea person than a doing person.
I still feel like sewing though. I was told by more than 3 people today that I should be a fashion designer (:
I'm lonely. I miss Brandon. :'( how am I gonna last 6 months if I can barely do one night?
I've been watching My Name is Earl. Brandon likes such nice shows. It's about a guy who's done a lot of bad things in his life, and now thanks to "karma" whenever something good happens to him, something bad does too, so he's going through all the bad things in his life to make them better. It's quite funny.
Also been watching Goth Lyfe, thanks to michelle... I can only watch a minute at a time, because It's pretty bad, but I wanna watch more, cuz it's funny.
I beat Guitar Hero on easy. I'm going through and working on getting 5 stars on all the songs, them I'm moving on to medium. only have about 4 songs left.
I feel like... shopping. and dying my hair... and .... re-gothifying myself (I just love it so much, but keep falling into this 'normalcey' rut) lol.
getting large black and green nautical stars tattooed to my feet. yeah. it's bad ass.
much <3
S
michelle, still no blog? not even for me to comment on? or is it just -more- private now?
anyway. I'm home for the night, and tomorrow night, and the night after (I think) cuz tomorrow is Brandon's day off and he wants to hang out with his other friends for a bit to say bye to them. Greg and Albert, basically. And then, I WAS going to be coming over Thursday after work, but I have an orthodontist appointment the next morning, so I can't :(
it's supposed to be the appointment where they make the mold for my retainer. It's not gonna be. I'm kinda feeling mixed emotions, cuz I want them to get the braces off just to simplify my life, but at the same time, brandon -likes- me with braces. Told me that he thought they were really cute and that he'd miss them, and personally, I'd rather they finish the job that my mom spent a couple thousand dollars on. My one front tooth is STILL smooshed behind another a little. Sure, you can't see it from the front, but I -feel- it. And they aren't aligned anymore, which really makes me mad >:( no way are they giving me un-aligned top and bottom teeth.
Anyway. besides dressing becki for her homecoming dance, I've done NOTHING artistic but ideas. I've always been more of an idea person than a doing person.
I still feel like sewing though. I was told by more than 3 people today that I should be a fashion designer (:
I'm lonely. I miss Brandon. :'( how am I gonna last 6 months if I can barely do one night?
I've been watching My Name is Earl. Brandon likes such nice shows. It's about a guy who's done a lot of bad things in his life, and now thanks to "karma" whenever something good happens to him, something bad does too, so he's going through all the bad things in his life to make them better. It's quite funny.
Also been watching Goth Lyfe, thanks to michelle... I can only watch a minute at a time, because It's pretty bad, but I wanna watch more, cuz it's funny.
I beat Guitar Hero on easy. I'm going through and working on getting 5 stars on all the songs, them I'm moving on to medium. only have about 4 songs left.
I feel like... shopping. and dying my hair... and .... re-gothifying myself (I just love it so much, but keep falling into this 'normalcey' rut) lol.
getting large black and green nautical stars tattooed to my feet. yeah. it's bad ass.
much <3
S
michelle, still no blog? not even for me to comment on? or is it just -more- private now?
September 19, 2008
trust, fetish, and techno
"they're just so skinny. it makes me feel bad about myself."
"you know beauty is only skin deep"
"yeah... still makes me feel bad"
"well, I see your beauty"
this, along with several other things that have been said over that past few days... I've never had someone actually make me feel better about myself like that. Besides a few fights (that he actually broke and settled with me) things have been pretty good.
Yeah, when we fight, he ends them now. I sat there crying, telling him that doing ANYTHING to make me feel better was better than doing nothing, and he grabbed ahold of me, hugged me tight, and pulled me down to lay with him on the air mattress in the side room until I stopped crying.
We had another fight the next day, and I called my mom to come take me home because I couldn't take it and right after I called he said to call her back, because he didn't want me to leave. (usually, when I threaten to call he just says 'fine' ... this time he said to get my shit and get out of his house. I don't think he thought I'd actually do it this time. Told him... well, shouted at him that all I want is for him to act like he cares. . .)
still fighting isn't exactly a good thing, but overall, things have been better. much better. I feel like we're more connected.
I think I'm actually building some trust for him. I know, 4 1/2 months of dating, and a lot of sex, and I don't really trust him yet... but he's earning it. considering it took me and michelle (ha, i talk like you aren't the only person who can read my blog) 4 years to be where we are today, me and Brandon are doing well. he's a bit more open with me emotionally, ever since his dad died.
I'm starting to let my suspicion die, because I really don't think he'll cheat. I know not with Rebecca. She's been the start of quite a few arguments, but when I comes right down to it, whether she's interested or not, and whether she hates me or not, he wants ME, not her.
If you're looking for an interesting porn, Brandon found one.
Fashionista: Safado, The Challenge
It has a bit of story line, starting out with a fashion show of vinyl and latex fetish gear, a battle between two up and coming fetish designers, a love quadrangle, and then about 2 hours of weird fetish stuff followed by a full hour of a room full of people all gang fucking eachother. it's really strange, and artistic, as far as porn goes.
and you know it's good, simply for the fact that it's $40, and that even guys don't want to fast forward to more interesting parts.
I've been dying to find a porn with a story. I mean, it doesn't need much, but I like to know the characters a little.
14 person orgy anyone?
and I've been invited to the high school homecoming dance. Techno Rave themed. My brother and I are going shopping tomorrow, and I'll be buying some stuff for my outfit, and some things for Brandon. We only have about a week and 1/2 left :'( I'm getting him a soccer ball, he told me that before he fucked up his knee he played soccer in highschool. He said he was going to try to go to college for it. I asked if his knee was better now (just in case, because I wouldn't want to hurt him by making him realise what he still can't do) and he said it was, besides his minor limp... I think we'll enjoy doing that :D and since Kim got a job at Blondies Cookies, she's gonna custom design a cookie with Jack and Sally on it, saying "sally is gonna miss her Jack." I'm gonna give it to him tomorrow, cuz I'll be seeing kim at work in the afternoon, and Brandon later that day.
I hope he loves it.
I told him that he was honestly one of the greatest people to ever come into my life, and as I said it I got tears in my eyes. That's how I know it's true.
much <3
S
"you know beauty is only skin deep"
"yeah... still makes me feel bad"
"well, I see your beauty"
this, along with several other things that have been said over that past few days... I've never had someone actually make me feel better about myself like that. Besides a few fights (that he actually broke and settled with me) things have been pretty good.
Yeah, when we fight, he ends them now. I sat there crying, telling him that doing ANYTHING to make me feel better was better than doing nothing, and he grabbed ahold of me, hugged me tight, and pulled me down to lay with him on the air mattress in the side room until I stopped crying.
We had another fight the next day, and I called my mom to come take me home because I couldn't take it and right after I called he said to call her back, because he didn't want me to leave. (usually, when I threaten to call he just says 'fine' ... this time he said to get my shit and get out of his house. I don't think he thought I'd actually do it this time. Told him... well, shouted at him that all I want is for him to act like he cares. . .)
still fighting isn't exactly a good thing, but overall, things have been better. much better. I feel like we're more connected.
I think I'm actually building some trust for him. I know, 4 1/2 months of dating, and a lot of sex, and I don't really trust him yet... but he's earning it. considering it took me and michelle (ha, i talk like you aren't the only person who can read my blog) 4 years to be where we are today, me and Brandon are doing well. he's a bit more open with me emotionally, ever since his dad died.
I'm starting to let my suspicion die, because I really don't think he'll cheat. I know not with Rebecca. She's been the start of quite a few arguments, but when I comes right down to it, whether she's interested or not, and whether she hates me or not, he wants ME, not her.
If you're looking for an interesting porn, Brandon found one.
Fashionista: Safado, The Challenge
It has a bit of story line, starting out with a fashion show of vinyl and latex fetish gear, a battle between two up and coming fetish designers, a love quadrangle, and then about 2 hours of weird fetish stuff followed by a full hour of a room full of people all gang fucking eachother. it's really strange, and artistic, as far as porn goes.
and you know it's good, simply for the fact that it's $40, and that even guys don't want to fast forward to more interesting parts.
I've been dying to find a porn with a story. I mean, it doesn't need much, but I like to know the characters a little.
14 person orgy anyone?
and I've been invited to the high school homecoming dance. Techno Rave themed. My brother and I are going shopping tomorrow, and I'll be buying some stuff for my outfit, and some things for Brandon. We only have about a week and 1/2 left :'( I'm getting him a soccer ball, he told me that before he fucked up his knee he played soccer in highschool. He said he was going to try to go to college for it. I asked if his knee was better now (just in case, because I wouldn't want to hurt him by making him realise what he still can't do) and he said it was, besides his minor limp... I think we'll enjoy doing that :D and since Kim got a job at Blondies Cookies, she's gonna custom design a cookie with Jack and Sally on it, saying "sally is gonna miss her Jack." I'm gonna give it to him tomorrow, cuz I'll be seeing kim at work in the afternoon, and Brandon later that day.
I hope he loves it.
I told him that he was honestly one of the greatest people to ever come into my life, and as I said it I got tears in my eyes. That's how I know it's true.
much <3
S
September 15, 2008
just some stuff
I went through every single photo that I've ever taken and uploaded onto my computer, for the purpose of taking the ones I really liked (mostly I just wanted good portraits, but a few other pics worked their way in) and put them all in a folder that I would use for the "slide show" option that XP has for a screen saver.
I set it to go into the screen saver mode every 2 minutes, just because I like the fact that every time I'm not active, I get to take a walk down memory lane. I have some stuff from late 2005 even. it's strange to watch how my looks change so quickly.
Then I did a few quick edits on photos to submit to deviantart. I try to submit something at least once a month. I'm not nearly as active as I used to be. But as my photos turn out better and better, I set the bar for my submissions higher and higher. I like that I'm starting to raise my standards in life.
Everything is slowly coming together for me. I have real plans to move in the near future (I originally wanted to be moved out by the end of july, but late is better than never) I'm making more money at my job, and working more hours. I'm about to get my own phone plan and I told my mom to force me to dedicate October to learning to drive (I told her I'd drive myself to work without my license if dad would go for it, but he wouldn't. I won't even ask)
financially, with me working at least 30 hours a week, and brandon doing the same with about the same pay... we should be okay. I figure that both of us together will make about 1300 a month (which I admit isn't much) and the house payment plus electric and water bills should only be about $300... I'll most likely be paying for my own car insurance, and he'll have his own to pay for as well... after I do all the subrations for thins like food and gas we're still at $350 of spending money a month. Again, I know that's not much, but we'll be able to get by. As long as I have enough to get by and my baby I'll be happy.
And something my mom told me made me believe that Brandon really is just a nice guy and innocent in the cases where he lies to me about girls.
Derek, a guy who knew me since I was a baby (and his cousin, like I mentioned a few entries ago) talked with Brandon when he found out that me and him were dating, telling him that if he hurt me, family or not, he'd kick his ass.
that much I knew already, but what mom didn't tell me was that he also asked Brandon if he really loved me... and Brandon told him "yeah, with all my heart"
I don't know. There's still so much about him that I have to figure out. but I like to keep in mind that deep down he's just my sweet baby.
I'm currently suffering from I've-been-typing-all-day carpertunel.
So I'll leave this post were it's at.
<3
S
I set it to go into the screen saver mode every 2 minutes, just because I like the fact that every time I'm not active, I get to take a walk down memory lane. I have some stuff from late 2005 even. it's strange to watch how my looks change so quickly.
Then I did a few quick edits on photos to submit to deviantart. I try to submit something at least once a month. I'm not nearly as active as I used to be. But as my photos turn out better and better, I set the bar for my submissions higher and higher. I like that I'm starting to raise my standards in life.
Everything is slowly coming together for me. I have real plans to move in the near future (I originally wanted to be moved out by the end of july, but late is better than never) I'm making more money at my job, and working more hours. I'm about to get my own phone plan and I told my mom to force me to dedicate October to learning to drive (I told her I'd drive myself to work without my license if dad would go for it, but he wouldn't. I won't even ask)
financially, with me working at least 30 hours a week, and brandon doing the same with about the same pay... we should be okay. I figure that both of us together will make about 1300 a month (which I admit isn't much) and the house payment plus electric and water bills should only be about $300... I'll most likely be paying for my own car insurance, and he'll have his own to pay for as well... after I do all the subrations for thins like food and gas we're still at $350 of spending money a month. Again, I know that's not much, but we'll be able to get by. As long as I have enough to get by and my baby I'll be happy.
And something my mom told me made me believe that Brandon really is just a nice guy and innocent in the cases where he lies to me about girls.
Derek, a guy who knew me since I was a baby (and his cousin, like I mentioned a few entries ago) talked with Brandon when he found out that me and him were dating, telling him that if he hurt me, family or not, he'd kick his ass.
that much I knew already, but what mom didn't tell me was that he also asked Brandon if he really loved me... and Brandon told him "yeah, with all my heart"
I don't know. There's still so much about him that I have to figure out. but I like to keep in mind that deep down he's just my sweet baby.
I'm currently suffering from I've-been-typing-all-day carpertunel.
So I'll leave this post were it's at.
<3
S
September 13, 2008
PICTURES!
okay, 3rd post in a row. I like to separate my ideas to be more organized. the ThinkBook allows that easily. ;)
anyway. I told you I got my socks, so here's a few pictures.
yeah. They came really cutely packaged. Each individually folded with a little tag thing telling you what it is and with a cute little description about how "oh-so-comfortable" they are.
from left to right, you have lime green, teal, and gold. I've only worn the Teal and the Gold ones so far, so I couldn't tell you if O Brights are different than O Basics, but these things do NOT fall down as you wear them! I wore the teal all the way up, and they stayed there even during activities that require a bit of movement and friction ;) and the gold ones were folded down to sit just below my knees and it didn't effect its hold at all, it stayed right where I put them the whole day.
here's me the first time I tried on the Teal. They don't go all the way up my thigh, but they're high enough to have the sexy look, but low enough that they don't really hit that really fatty area of my thighs, so they don't even look tight... but they are, cuz damn they stay up well. I think they're like, 15% spandex or something. nice like that. and COMFY. I wore them with converse, and even though they're a little thicker than normal socks it didn't smash my toes all up. totally worth $6 a pair!
this is a rose i made out of duct tape. I've made about 30 of them in the last few days. Also two wallets and a coin purse.
anyway. I told you I got my socks, so here's a few pictures.
yeah. They came really cutely packaged. Each individually folded with a little tag thing telling you what it is and with a cute little description about how "oh-so-comfortable" they are.from left to right, you have lime green, teal, and gold. I've only worn the Teal and the Gold ones so far, so I couldn't tell you if O Brights are different than O Basics, but these things do NOT fall down as you wear them! I wore the teal all the way up, and they stayed there even during activities that require a bit of movement and friction ;) and the gold ones were folded down to sit just below my knees and it didn't effect its hold at all, it stayed right where I put them the whole day.
here's me the first time I tried on the Teal. They don't go all the way up my thigh, but they're high enough to have the sexy look, but low enough that they don't really hit that really fatty area of my thighs, so they don't even look tight... but they are, cuz damn they stay up well. I think they're like, 15% spandex or something. nice like that. and COMFY. I wore them with converse, and even though they're a little thicker than normal socks it didn't smash my toes all up. totally worth $6 a pair!
this is a rose i made out of duct tape. I've made about 30 of them in the last few days. Also two wallets and a coin purse.
This is me in a black wig and wearing Brandon cloths. I look like Tia. I look EXACTLY like tia.... except I have better skin, and I'm prettier and my hair doesn't look gross... and I'm just in general better :P
cuz I'm not a slutty gross 12 year old.
and cuz my boyfriend is way cuter than anything she's ever had. Look at him. with his cute little beard and his tattoos and all his sweetness. Sadly, the cutest picture I have of me and him is one where I'm wearing a wig that makes me look like Tia... except I really don't in the one with Brandon. I do look 12 though. but it's cool, cuz we're so damn cute. He'd probably kill me if he knew I posted this somewhere, even if it was just on a private blog that only michelle could read.
but look at him... look at him x3 he's just too cute to not put here.
on Monday this past week we went to see Monday Night RAW, the WWE thing that takes place on monday. I've never really watched proffesional wrestling, because you know it's mostly fake... but it was still fun. Lots of guys in spandex underwear... and a lot of those big musclure guys were wearing spanex underwear with RINESTONES AND GLITTER! it was bad ass. I loved it. I'm not really into muscly guys though, so there wasn't much eye candy for me. Some girls cream themselves at the thought of them.... one guy had a nice face, and his body was AS repulsive to me as most of the wrestlers, but still I prefer a little less buffness. I mean really, do your muscles have to be THAT big for you to realise youre strong?
oh well. It was just something fun we did together.
that's all. Hope you enjoyed.
<3
S
and PS. MICHELLE WHERE DID YOUR BLOG GO!?
cuz I'm not a slutty gross 12 year old.
and cuz my boyfriend is way cuter than anything she's ever had. Look at him. with his cute little beard and his tattoos and all his sweetness. Sadly, the cutest picture I have of me and him is one where I'm wearing a wig that makes me look like Tia... except I really don't in the one with Brandon. I do look 12 though. but it's cool, cuz we're so damn cute. He'd probably kill me if he knew I posted this somewhere, even if it was just on a private blog that only michelle could read.but look at him... look at him x3 he's just too cute to not put here.
on Monday this past week we went to see Monday Night RAW, the WWE thing that takes place on monday. I've never really watched proffesional wrestling, because you know it's mostly fake... but it was still fun. Lots of guys in spandex underwear... and a lot of those big musclure guys were wearing spanex underwear with RINESTONES AND GLITTER! it was bad ass. I loved it. I'm not really into muscly guys though, so there wasn't much eye candy for me. Some girls cream themselves at the thought of them.... one guy had a nice face, and his body was AS repulsive to me as most of the wrestlers, but still I prefer a little less buffness. I mean really, do your muscles have to be THAT big for you to realise youre strong?oh well. It was just something fun we did together.
that's all. Hope you enjoyed.
<3
S
and PS. MICHELLE WHERE DID YOUR BLOG GO!?
My AWESOME Idea
holy shit. that post is longer than any other posts I've ever written here PUT TOGETHER.
Okay. I got this idea for a computer program that might actually be genius.
I -was- gonna call it ThinkBook. Because it's the first thing to pop into my head, but that appears to be a website and I don't want to start a lawsuit.
Here's the basic Idea. Take Microsoft Word, your diary, your blog and video blog and put them all together.
It's a computerized diary. It's as souped up with options as your computers regular WORD program, but instead of saving each individual document as a separate file, they're all saved into whichever 'book' you write it in. Each book you create will be similar to a blog. You'll have several of your most recently created entries right in front of you. You can access your older entries by means of either a calendar with links (like some blogs have) or in tabs. There will be a year tab (if you write for that long in whichever book you choose) then in each year tab you'll have separate months, and in each month you can pick from days that you wrote.
The appearance of each book you create will be as customizable and any other blog on the internet, and it will fully support video and picture files. There will be no limit to the amount of entries you write, and no expiration date, so you won't loose anything like you do with other blogs. And, since some people are even a little hesitant to write online in a blog on private, just for fear that someone will find out, it's all just on your computer, and each book will be password protected. There WILL be an option to post your blog onto the internet after you save it though. It may require a website FOR the ThinkBook to be created until other sites host it (or they can use their personal sites, or an agreement can be made between this company and other blogs)
You'll even be able to go back to old blogs to add things in, like say you finally get your pictures developed and you get the CD and want to put each picture into the appropriate day. you CAN edit old blog entries at any time, but with the ThinkBook you can create entries on any day, even in the past. So if you didn't write on the day that you took the picture, you can still post it onto that day.
Why call it ThinkBook? because when I really want to think I just sit and write. I write notes to people that I'll never give them, I write my thoughts out, I just put down anything that comes to mind. And I want a program to do that in, that won't restrict me due to internet access and won't get cluttered around my computer due to having to save the files each seperatley (or make the file too large by saving everything onto one and just re-opening it every time)
think I'm onto something? I really think I am.
This would be BAD ASS and I'd be rich for a while.
where do you take your ideas that you can't do on your own for lack of skill? I just want a cut of the money, and for the program itself to be created.
it would be exhilarating!
Much Love,
S
Okay. I got this idea for a computer program that might actually be genius.
I -was- gonna call it ThinkBook. Because it's the first thing to pop into my head, but that appears to be a website and I don't want to start a lawsuit.
Here's the basic Idea. Take Microsoft Word, your diary, your blog and video blog and put them all together.
It's a computerized diary. It's as souped up with options as your computers regular WORD program, but instead of saving each individual document as a separate file, they're all saved into whichever 'book' you write it in. Each book you create will be similar to a blog. You'll have several of your most recently created entries right in front of you. You can access your older entries by means of either a calendar with links (like some blogs have) or in tabs. There will be a year tab (if you write for that long in whichever book you choose) then in each year tab you'll have separate months, and in each month you can pick from days that you wrote.
The appearance of each book you create will be as customizable and any other blog on the internet, and it will fully support video and picture files. There will be no limit to the amount of entries you write, and no expiration date, so you won't loose anything like you do with other blogs. And, since some people are even a little hesitant to write online in a blog on private, just for fear that someone will find out, it's all just on your computer, and each book will be password protected. There WILL be an option to post your blog onto the internet after you save it though. It may require a website FOR the ThinkBook to be created until other sites host it (or they can use their personal sites, or an agreement can be made between this company and other blogs)
You'll even be able to go back to old blogs to add things in, like say you finally get your pictures developed and you get the CD and want to put each picture into the appropriate day. you CAN edit old blog entries at any time, but with the ThinkBook you can create entries on any day, even in the past. So if you didn't write on the day that you took the picture, you can still post it onto that day.
Why call it ThinkBook? because when I really want to think I just sit and write. I write notes to people that I'll never give them, I write my thoughts out, I just put down anything that comes to mind. And I want a program to do that in, that won't restrict me due to internet access and won't get cluttered around my computer due to having to save the files each seperatley (or make the file too large by saving everything onto one and just re-opening it every time)
think I'm onto something? I really think I am.
This would be BAD ASS and I'd be rich for a while.
where do you take your ideas that you can't do on your own for lack of skill? I just want a cut of the money, and for the program itself to be created.
it would be exhilarating!
Much Love,
S
Regarding my last post
so, basically, Brandon made up a huge and elaborate lie, about how he needed to pick his cousin Derek up from work to take him home because his truck was being worked on, and that it may be a while before he gets back because Derek wanted to talk about the funeral plans Brandon had made (his dad died a couple days ago, the funeral was the next day, so the plans were being thrown together quickly. Derek is Brandon's cousin on his dads side.)
So I believed him.
he was gone for a little over an hour, and when he got home he was rushing me to get my stuff ready because he was going to a concert, so he was taking me home while he was there (I needed to do laundry) and the concert was going to start soon. Being rushed doesn't make a happy shayla. >:( I think that face quite perfectly describes how it makes me feel.
But I got over it quickly. He asked if we needed to stop at Wendy's still to ask off for the funeral or if I wanted to call. I told him I'd much rather stop in, so I could talk it out with a manager and not have to deal with the phone at all, and then, after we started heading out to my house he kept going, and I had a mini blow up at him because he had JUST asked me if I wanted to stop in, and if he didn't have the time for it he should have just said "can you call them instead so I'm not late"... not "do you want to" (I've been trying to get him to word things in a way that I can interpret what he wants. I always try to word things our properly)
And I put back on the >:( face, because he took his dear sweet time to take his cousin home, and then rushed ME and made me change MY plans, just so he could fit all of his... he didn't -have- to take me home, but he doesn't want to wash my clothes for me unless I have a LOT more to clean, and I don't understand his washer.
THEEEEEEN, after I'm in a little bit of a better mood Rebecca called. Rebecca is the girl from Rural King that Brandon works with who was in an abusive relationship. She's been calling Brandon a lot to talk about it and blah blah blah. I'm really sick of how he babys her like she's a piece of fucking glass. yeah, she is going through a lot of shit, and yeah it's good to have someone to turn to, but when you do EVERYTHING for that person, and try to fix the problems for them, they'll never be able to do it on their own.
He's constantly trying to make me be more adult about doing things. Do it yourself. Call them yourself. Don't get so emotional, and so on, with things he trys to use to make me stronger on my own. He told me word for word "I don't want you to have to rely on me forever" But when some chick from work can't deal with her own problems, Brandon does EVERYTHING he can to make her life easier. He could easily just tell her from the begining to go to the police, to tell her parents and to end the relationship, but instead he does it all for her. She calls him whenever her ex calls her and asks what to do. (hm... lets see, don't answer, call cops, file a report against him, maybe just stand up for yourself? ) and NOW she called him asking if he'd help her file a report against him, and take her to the police station... you know, cuz she can't go in there by herself and do it. He makes NO effort to teach her to be more independant and to not have her rely on him to do everything for her, but that's all he does to me.
Seriously, he's never overly defensive about me when I'm feeling upset or scared. I'm just told to suck it up.
anyway, as soon as he gets off the phone with her he tells me "it was Rebecca, her boyfriend is calling her and threatening her" (she doesn't have a cell, so she's always either at home or at work. At work he can't touch her or the cops would be called, at home she can lock the doors and be safe, cuz if he broke in the cops could be called... the call was even asking brandon to go to the police anyway, why not just do it yourself) I say "you know shes a big girl brandon. she really needs to learn to take care of things herself"
this is where it really irritates me.
He blows up at me about it. Gets really defensive of her. yells that "you don't know what she's going through" "You've never been through this" BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH. I reminded him about my moms first marriage, to an abusive obsessive man who didn't even let my mom own a car just so that he'd always know where she was. I reminded him that when others tried to help her, it only made things worse because she would rely on them to always fix the problems she was having with him. It wasn't until she finally became independant and realised that she didn't need someone to hold her up that she FINALLY got out of it. Rebecca may have broken up with him now that she's been talking with brandon about it, but that doesn't mean she's safe in future relationships. She'll still be relying on someone else. That WILL eventually cause her to refuse to let go of someone who is hurting her. And after I told him all that, he still defended it all, as if a real persons experience wasn't as valid as her oppinion.
well, I was pissed (I'm not just a jealous person, I really dislike the weak. I'm not always strong, I won't deny that. But when people get into those situations and have someone else get them out... that's weaker than just staying with the abuser, because you still fully rely on another to take care of you) so I told him to forget about picking me up when the concert was over.
I told him that if he put HALF the effort he puts into making HER relationship better into OURS we'd never have another arguement again.
So I go to the computer and play around a bit to cool off, cuz I don't like being angry in general. Then mom comes home and asks me if me and Brandon went anywhere today. I told her about going to RK for his check and to the bank to cash it and that he took Derek home and all that and she said
"oh... cuz Terry told me that Rebecca tool Brandon subway on her lunch break since she wasn't going to the funeral"
Okay, I immediatly know that the ENTIRE story he told me about why he was leaving was a load of bullshit. I'm a level headed person most of the time, but when you make up a lie in that much detail it usually means you -really- feel like what you're doing will be seen as wrong. a simple "i'm picking derek up from work later" would have been a good sized lie. But to even use his own fathers death just to make a believable cover up for him going out to lunch with a girl? That's low. And makes it appear that the lunch was more than just an "I'm sorry your dad died" kind of thing. Big lie = Covering up something BIG.
I imediatly texted him, saying "So I heard you went out to lunch with Rebecca. You weren't taking Derek home. Why did you lie to me"
He said "well yeah I talked to Rebecca a little bit when I went to get derek"
I just sat and cried, becaus Jacob told me it was better to not make things worse over the phone. He told me that he'd talk to Bradon later to tell him not to do anything stupid to hurt me. so I "whatevered" him for the time being, and Jacob took me to town with him to get tape to make shit out of.
Jacob talked to him a little, and not just about me, They were just chit chatting outside while I got my stuff around. We go the whole ride home without him bringing up the Rebecca insident (I figured that if Jacob told him to not be stupid Brandon might come out and admit the whole lie... I got a bit irritable when he didn't)
later... before we went to bed... I hate admitting that I did this, but when he wanted the truth out of his ex, he did it as well. I looked through the messages on his phone while he was showering. a few of them were along the lines of "where are you" "you want me to come over tonight?" and "you gonna be here soon?" the ones asking about whether or not they should 'come over tonight' were from a person who's name in his phone book was "BAD. STAY AWAY FROM"
the others were from a girl named Krystal.
She was apparently at the concert he went to. They were apparently supposed to meet up there, at least thats what I grasped from the texts she sent and that he sent back.
and the reply to "STAY AWAY FROM" was just an excuse as to why that person couldn't come over. a lame excuse. He never tells people "no, my girlfriend is over" or "no, I have plans with my girlfriend" he just says "im busy" or "I have to get up early tomorrow"
now, I'll never admit to him that I did that (for a second time.... both times seemed justified in my mind, and both times help me figure out my situations more, and helped me plan on how to handle things... My intent is NEVER to break up, or to call him out on his behaviors to make him look bad. I just want to know whats going on so I can fix it and keep the relationship working)
but later he comes up, and I eventually work up the courage to ask him "do you really go to concerts alone?"
"yeah..."
"I mean, do you ever meet people you know when you're there, like, do any of your friend ever go too"
"yeah, sometimes I'll see people I know. Not like I hang out with them or anything"
"what about tonight? did you see anyone you know?" (now, I've got a good voice for this, just sounds purely curious and casual. Kinda light mooded, with a smile. but his gets more an more defensive as I talk. He ALWAYS gets defensive when I ask him questions)
"Well, Krystal was there. she just turned 21" (he used a name, that's pretty rare of him to do. 99.9% of the time, he refers to all chicks as "a friend")
"Oh, did you know she was gonna be there? I mean, you don't have many friends who go to concerts, and you'd think with it being her first time she'd talk about it"
"What are you getting at?" (I know he's not stupid, I was kinda just keeping the questions going until he figured out that I wanted to know something ELSE... he's a smart guy)
I said "Why do you lie to me so much"
"About who I run into at concerts? Do you want me to tell you every detail about everything?" This is where his voice goes into angry defense mode. Maybe I could have worded it all better, but I do tend to be straight to the point when I'm angry. )
"no," I said, "I'm talking about Rebecca. I know you were really with her today"
"well yeah I saw her at work, what, you don't want me to talk to her anymore? You're just gonna have to deal with it cuz me and her are friends"
"No, Brandon. People saw you leave Rural King with her on her lunch break. I know you lied to me"
"Well yeah, you think I can tell you the truth? You'd just get all pissed off at me and tell me to let her deal with things herself" (I didn't once mention that until the ride to my house AFTER he had the lie-lunch-date. So that point wasn't valid when he lied. That's the first thing that popped into my head when he said that, but I restrained myself from getting technical. that only makes him worse when we fight)
The arguement went on. With me telling him thats its never okay to lie, and that it's better if he pisses me off with the truth than let me feel hurt because he lied to me. He went on about how I don't know what she's going through, I don't know what it's like to feel like that, and (this is what ALWAYS makes me 100 times worse. Never tell me this. ) that I'm SELFISH.
After a little bit he said "if this is how you're gonna be then we should just break up now" (later he claimed that he said something a little less... offensive, more along the lines of asking me if I wanted to break up.... I mean, usually I'm the one to pull the "if you wanna break up with me just do it" card, but he did it... differently :( )
despite all this, the arguement wasn't as bad as most of ours. It's deffinantly pretty low on the Brandon/Shayla richtor scale. He even wasn't too mad, because he cooled off before he went to bed, came into the other room (where I was writing, to cool myself down) and asked if I was gonna be okay in that room tonight. I should have just said that I'd rather be with him, but I had a lot of thinking to do, and I wasn't finished yet. I did a lot of exploring into my feelings and so on.
had a horrible time trying to sleep. I had to though, cuz I knew I had to be up early to get ready for the funeral. Whether I was mad or not, Brandon -had- told me that he wanted me to be there with him.
at some point the next day, I don't recall if it was before or after the funeral... he admited that he didn't get any sleep that night. Not because of the funeral the next day, but because he felt lonely without me next to him. He told me he was up until 4 in the morning wishing that I'd sneak into his room and cuddle up next to him. I admited that I had wished that he'd do the same with me.
Honestly, the only reason I didn't is because usually when we argue he gets more mad when I keep coming back in to talk to him more. I'm all about working things out immediatly, but I've learned (mostly) to give him his space... If I hadn't been so into what I was writing I'd probably have noticed his calmness when he came in to ask me if I was gonna be okay...
sometime last night (which was the day of the funeral, which was in the morning... then I went to work and played guitar hero for a couple hours) me and him were watching a movie, and I brought up the lie again. Things went much better this time.
I told him how I don't want him to lie to me, ever. Not about anything. I told him that I would much rather have him tell me the truth and make me mad than keep it from me, because it hurt too much to find out that he lied. And I explained that I can't trust him if he isn't totally honest, and since he's my baby I really want to be able to. Told him that no matter how selfish he thought I was, I really did care about him more than I cared about myself. He told me that he'd try. I tod him that I didn't want to change who he was, because I loved who he was. And that I just wanted him to know that him making me angry with the truth wouldn't hurt our relationship, but him lieing to me would.
So I'm trying to be less jealous (without ignoring things that I should be suspicious of. He's got a lot of work before I'll totally trust him)
and I just found out from my mom, who also works at Rural King... That someone who was there when Rebeccas boyfriend supposedly came and hit her... says that she didn't actually get hit. That her boyfriend was mostly just crying and yelling. His theory, she just wants the sympathy. No one denys that he threatens her (Brandon has threatening messages on his phone just because he talked to her) and he may have hit her before... but that day, that she claimed he did... He didn't. She had better not be taking advange of Brandons kindness. Using a bad situation to get a lot of sympathy.
I think the main reason I don't like Rebecca (as a person. Leaving out the whole Brandon thing) is because she seems -really- immature. She has a shirt that Tia does. A purse that looks like one a little kid would get at wal-mart. the innocent cruelty of a child (if you were bullied when you were 6, you'd know what I meant) and just overall... she acts like a little girl pretnending to be an adult. Or like a rebelious 12 year trying to fit in with highschoolers by dating a lot and having sex to prove themselves.
maybe... deep down, it isn't brandon that I don't trust... it's her.
:/ I still have a lot of thinking to do I guess.
So I believed him.
he was gone for a little over an hour, and when he got home he was rushing me to get my stuff ready because he was going to a concert, so he was taking me home while he was there (I needed to do laundry) and the concert was going to start soon. Being rushed doesn't make a happy shayla. >:( I think that face quite perfectly describes how it makes me feel.
But I got over it quickly. He asked if we needed to stop at Wendy's still to ask off for the funeral or if I wanted to call. I told him I'd much rather stop in, so I could talk it out with a manager and not have to deal with the phone at all, and then, after we started heading out to my house he kept going, and I had a mini blow up at him because he had JUST asked me if I wanted to stop in, and if he didn't have the time for it he should have just said "can you call them instead so I'm not late"... not "do you want to" (I've been trying to get him to word things in a way that I can interpret what he wants. I always try to word things our properly)
And I put back on the >:( face, because he took his dear sweet time to take his cousin home, and then rushed ME and made me change MY plans, just so he could fit all of his... he didn't -have- to take me home, but he doesn't want to wash my clothes for me unless I have a LOT more to clean, and I don't understand his washer.
THEEEEEEN, after I'm in a little bit of a better mood Rebecca called. Rebecca is the girl from Rural King that Brandon works with who was in an abusive relationship. She's been calling Brandon a lot to talk about it and blah blah blah. I'm really sick of how he babys her like she's a piece of fucking glass. yeah, she is going through a lot of shit, and yeah it's good to have someone to turn to, but when you do EVERYTHING for that person, and try to fix the problems for them, they'll never be able to do it on their own.
He's constantly trying to make me be more adult about doing things. Do it yourself. Call them yourself. Don't get so emotional, and so on, with things he trys to use to make me stronger on my own. He told me word for word "I don't want you to have to rely on me forever" But when some chick from work can't deal with her own problems, Brandon does EVERYTHING he can to make her life easier. He could easily just tell her from the begining to go to the police, to tell her parents and to end the relationship, but instead he does it all for her. She calls him whenever her ex calls her and asks what to do. (hm... lets see, don't answer, call cops, file a report against him, maybe just stand up for yourself? ) and NOW she called him asking if he'd help her file a report against him, and take her to the police station... you know, cuz she can't go in there by herself and do it. He makes NO effort to teach her to be more independant and to not have her rely on him to do everything for her, but that's all he does to me.
Seriously, he's never overly defensive about me when I'm feeling upset or scared. I'm just told to suck it up.
anyway, as soon as he gets off the phone with her he tells me "it was Rebecca, her boyfriend is calling her and threatening her" (she doesn't have a cell, so she's always either at home or at work. At work he can't touch her or the cops would be called, at home she can lock the doors and be safe, cuz if he broke in the cops could be called... the call was even asking brandon to go to the police anyway, why not just do it yourself) I say "you know shes a big girl brandon. she really needs to learn to take care of things herself"
this is where it really irritates me.
He blows up at me about it. Gets really defensive of her. yells that "you don't know what she's going through" "You've never been through this" BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH. I reminded him about my moms first marriage, to an abusive obsessive man who didn't even let my mom own a car just so that he'd always know where she was. I reminded him that when others tried to help her, it only made things worse because she would rely on them to always fix the problems she was having with him. It wasn't until she finally became independant and realised that she didn't need someone to hold her up that she FINALLY got out of it. Rebecca may have broken up with him now that she's been talking with brandon about it, but that doesn't mean she's safe in future relationships. She'll still be relying on someone else. That WILL eventually cause her to refuse to let go of someone who is hurting her. And after I told him all that, he still defended it all, as if a real persons experience wasn't as valid as her oppinion.
well, I was pissed (I'm not just a jealous person, I really dislike the weak. I'm not always strong, I won't deny that. But when people get into those situations and have someone else get them out... that's weaker than just staying with the abuser, because you still fully rely on another to take care of you) so I told him to forget about picking me up when the concert was over.
I told him that if he put HALF the effort he puts into making HER relationship better into OURS we'd never have another arguement again.
So I go to the computer and play around a bit to cool off, cuz I don't like being angry in general. Then mom comes home and asks me if me and Brandon went anywhere today. I told her about going to RK for his check and to the bank to cash it and that he took Derek home and all that and she said
"oh... cuz Terry told me that Rebecca tool Brandon subway on her lunch break since she wasn't going to the funeral"
Okay, I immediatly know that the ENTIRE story he told me about why he was leaving was a load of bullshit. I'm a level headed person most of the time, but when you make up a lie in that much detail it usually means you -really- feel like what you're doing will be seen as wrong. a simple "i'm picking derek up from work later" would have been a good sized lie. But to even use his own fathers death just to make a believable cover up for him going out to lunch with a girl? That's low. And makes it appear that the lunch was more than just an "I'm sorry your dad died" kind of thing. Big lie = Covering up something BIG.
I imediatly texted him, saying "So I heard you went out to lunch with Rebecca. You weren't taking Derek home. Why did you lie to me"
He said "well yeah I talked to Rebecca a little bit when I went to get derek"
I just sat and cried, becaus Jacob told me it was better to not make things worse over the phone. He told me that he'd talk to Bradon later to tell him not to do anything stupid to hurt me. so I "whatevered" him for the time being, and Jacob took me to town with him to get tape to make shit out of.
Jacob talked to him a little, and not just about me, They were just chit chatting outside while I got my stuff around. We go the whole ride home without him bringing up the Rebecca insident (I figured that if Jacob told him to not be stupid Brandon might come out and admit the whole lie... I got a bit irritable when he didn't)
later... before we went to bed... I hate admitting that I did this, but when he wanted the truth out of his ex, he did it as well. I looked through the messages on his phone while he was showering. a few of them were along the lines of "where are you" "you want me to come over tonight?" and "you gonna be here soon?" the ones asking about whether or not they should 'come over tonight' were from a person who's name in his phone book was "BAD. STAY AWAY FROM"
the others were from a girl named Krystal.
She was apparently at the concert he went to. They were apparently supposed to meet up there, at least thats what I grasped from the texts she sent and that he sent back.
and the reply to "STAY AWAY FROM" was just an excuse as to why that person couldn't come over. a lame excuse. He never tells people "no, my girlfriend is over" or "no, I have plans with my girlfriend" he just says "im busy" or "I have to get up early tomorrow"
now, I'll never admit to him that I did that (for a second time.... both times seemed justified in my mind, and both times help me figure out my situations more, and helped me plan on how to handle things... My intent is NEVER to break up, or to call him out on his behaviors to make him look bad. I just want to know whats going on so I can fix it and keep the relationship working)
but later he comes up, and I eventually work up the courage to ask him "do you really go to concerts alone?"
"yeah..."
"I mean, do you ever meet people you know when you're there, like, do any of your friend ever go too"
"yeah, sometimes I'll see people I know. Not like I hang out with them or anything"
"what about tonight? did you see anyone you know?" (now, I've got a good voice for this, just sounds purely curious and casual. Kinda light mooded, with a smile. but his gets more an more defensive as I talk. He ALWAYS gets defensive when I ask him questions)
"Well, Krystal was there. she just turned 21" (he used a name, that's pretty rare of him to do. 99.9% of the time, he refers to all chicks as "a friend")
"Oh, did you know she was gonna be there? I mean, you don't have many friends who go to concerts, and you'd think with it being her first time she'd talk about it"
"What are you getting at?" (I know he's not stupid, I was kinda just keeping the questions going until he figured out that I wanted to know something ELSE... he's a smart guy)
I said "Why do you lie to me so much"
"About who I run into at concerts? Do you want me to tell you every detail about everything?" This is where his voice goes into angry defense mode. Maybe I could have worded it all better, but I do tend to be straight to the point when I'm angry. )
"no," I said, "I'm talking about Rebecca. I know you were really with her today"
"well yeah I saw her at work, what, you don't want me to talk to her anymore? You're just gonna have to deal with it cuz me and her are friends"
"No, Brandon. People saw you leave Rural King with her on her lunch break. I know you lied to me"
"Well yeah, you think I can tell you the truth? You'd just get all pissed off at me and tell me to let her deal with things herself" (I didn't once mention that until the ride to my house AFTER he had the lie-lunch-date. So that point wasn't valid when he lied. That's the first thing that popped into my head when he said that, but I restrained myself from getting technical. that only makes him worse when we fight)
The arguement went on. With me telling him thats its never okay to lie, and that it's better if he pisses me off with the truth than let me feel hurt because he lied to me. He went on about how I don't know what she's going through, I don't know what it's like to feel like that, and (this is what ALWAYS makes me 100 times worse. Never tell me this. ) that I'm SELFISH.
After a little bit he said "if this is how you're gonna be then we should just break up now" (later he claimed that he said something a little less... offensive, more along the lines of asking me if I wanted to break up.... I mean, usually I'm the one to pull the "if you wanna break up with me just do it" card, but he did it... differently :( )
despite all this, the arguement wasn't as bad as most of ours. It's deffinantly pretty low on the Brandon/Shayla richtor scale. He even wasn't too mad, because he cooled off before he went to bed, came into the other room (where I was writing, to cool myself down) and asked if I was gonna be okay in that room tonight. I should have just said that I'd rather be with him, but I had a lot of thinking to do, and I wasn't finished yet. I did a lot of exploring into my feelings and so on.
had a horrible time trying to sleep. I had to though, cuz I knew I had to be up early to get ready for the funeral. Whether I was mad or not, Brandon -had- told me that he wanted me to be there with him.
at some point the next day, I don't recall if it was before or after the funeral... he admited that he didn't get any sleep that night. Not because of the funeral the next day, but because he felt lonely without me next to him. He told me he was up until 4 in the morning wishing that I'd sneak into his room and cuddle up next to him. I admited that I had wished that he'd do the same with me.
Honestly, the only reason I didn't is because usually when we argue he gets more mad when I keep coming back in to talk to him more. I'm all about working things out immediatly, but I've learned (mostly) to give him his space... If I hadn't been so into what I was writing I'd probably have noticed his calmness when he came in to ask me if I was gonna be okay...
sometime last night (which was the day of the funeral, which was in the morning... then I went to work and played guitar hero for a couple hours) me and him were watching a movie, and I brought up the lie again. Things went much better this time.
I told him how I don't want him to lie to me, ever. Not about anything. I told him that I would much rather have him tell me the truth and make me mad than keep it from me, because it hurt too much to find out that he lied. And I explained that I can't trust him if he isn't totally honest, and since he's my baby I really want to be able to. Told him that no matter how selfish he thought I was, I really did care about him more than I cared about myself. He told me that he'd try. I tod him that I didn't want to change who he was, because I loved who he was. And that I just wanted him to know that him making me angry with the truth wouldn't hurt our relationship, but him lieing to me would.
So I'm trying to be less jealous (without ignoring things that I should be suspicious of. He's got a lot of work before I'll totally trust him)
and I just found out from my mom, who also works at Rural King... That someone who was there when Rebeccas boyfriend supposedly came and hit her... says that she didn't actually get hit. That her boyfriend was mostly just crying and yelling. His theory, she just wants the sympathy. No one denys that he threatens her (Brandon has threatening messages on his phone just because he talked to her) and he may have hit her before... but that day, that she claimed he did... He didn't. She had better not be taking advange of Brandons kindness. Using a bad situation to get a lot of sympathy.
I think the main reason I don't like Rebecca (as a person. Leaving out the whole Brandon thing) is because she seems -really- immature. She has a shirt that Tia does. A purse that looks like one a little kid would get at wal-mart. the innocent cruelty of a child (if you were bullied when you were 6, you'd know what I meant) and just overall... she acts like a little girl pretnending to be an adult. Or like a rebelious 12 year trying to fit in with highschoolers by dating a lot and having sex to prove themselves.
maybe... deep down, it isn't brandon that I don't trust... it's her.
:/ I still have a lot of thinking to do I guess.
September 11, 2008
I feel.... numb.
i dont feel like capitalizing and punctuating
i dont know why i wrote that i just... i dont even know
lies lies lies
everyone is full of them
who can you trust then?
no one can prove that they are worthy of it
people try to help you through your problems when really its up to only you. ultimately you are the only person who can solve them and fix them and make things right in your world
but still everyone turns to everyone else and so on.
I don't know what the fuck I'm even saying. everything just hurts right now.
It feels like time has been wasted, and like emotions... well. why feel?
All the WKAP signed copies are sold out, because i haven't been home to pre-order before they did. More time wasted. I could have has it... is the $100 package worth it without signed items? Oh well, I already filled out the order form and I'm too lazy to fill it out again for something else. I'll just get it.
Why does he lie? Why do I let him do this to me?
I feel so numb. I can't cry anymore. I just want this to all go away. things were getting better. We seemed happier, and haven't fought and he still does this? after all I've done to try to make him feel better about his dad. I've dedicated the past week to him... and all of that was wasted time and money.
everything I do is a waste.
i dont feel like capitalizing and punctuating
i dont know why i wrote that i just... i dont even know
lies lies lies
everyone is full of them
who can you trust then?
no one can prove that they are worthy of it
people try to help you through your problems when really its up to only you. ultimately you are the only person who can solve them and fix them and make things right in your world
but still everyone turns to everyone else and so on.
I don't know what the fuck I'm even saying. everything just hurts right now.
It feels like time has been wasted, and like emotions... well. why feel?
All the WKAP signed copies are sold out, because i haven't been home to pre-order before they did. More time wasted. I could have has it... is the $100 package worth it without signed items? Oh well, I already filled out the order form and I'm too lazy to fill it out again for something else. I'll just get it.
Why does he lie? Why do I let him do this to me?
I feel so numb. I can't cry anymore. I just want this to all go away. things were getting better. We seemed happier, and haven't fought and he still does this? after all I've done to try to make him feel better about his dad. I've dedicated the past week to him... and all of that was wasted time and money.
everything I do is a waste.
September 01, 2008
Life in general
Me and Jacob had a good long talk. He said that he really likes Becki, I told him I didn't want her to hurt him, he told me that meant a lot to him. But I told him that it's up to him, and not to take my opinion too seriously, because he knows what he wants more than I do.
Later we were talking again about the same topic. He said that he likes her, but if she doesn't like him he'll be cool with just having sex.
I don't fucking get him. He TOLD me he didn't want to let her screw him over because he really liked her, but if she's not interested he's okay with it?
Whatever. Me and him hung out a lot this weekend. I made my first ever duct tape wallet and Jacob hasn't stopped laughing since. It really is awful though.
I found out that Brandon went to go see the Dark Knight again with Greg. It wouldn't bother me so much, but me and him planned on doing that on the 8th, we had a whole day planned out for us. I mean, we -could- go see it again, but before we went the first time some people at work were trying to get me to go with them, and I told them no, because Brandon and I already had plans to see it some other time. But even though me and him had plans it didn't matter, he went anyway.
Maybe I really do just expect too much from people in general. Like how I always expect Brandon to tell me not just the truth, but the whooooole truth. He has a problem with that.
Of course, he expects me to feel so horrible when I 'hurt him' by being upset by something he does or says, but when I tell him that something upsets me I'm just told that I overreact. Or told that "you're fake tears aren't gonna make me feel bad for you" even though I really am crying, and it only makes me feel shittier that he doesn't care.
Maybe I'm just pissy because I'm gonna be on my period in a few days
or maybe it's just because I haven't seen Brandon since Saturday (when he was at work, I'd like to point that out, cuz it's really not the same)
Or maybe I still just don't know what the fuck to think about Jacob and Becki or the fact that they're gonna be having sex whether they mean something to each other or not.
Fuck it all. I just wanna see my baby, but he doesn't even have time to text me back.
Been mostly alone this weekend. I fucking hate being here.
much angst
s
oh, the other day I was talking to my friend from Istanbul, and he's been saying that I -really- need to go there because it's sooo beautiful... then I realised that he didn't mean to visit. He wanted me to move there with him.... I told him I had a boyfriend. I guess I didn't realize he was flirting, cuz I can't understand his english. . . Proving once again that I can't have guy friends.
Later we were talking again about the same topic. He said that he likes her, but if she doesn't like him he'll be cool with just having sex.
I don't fucking get him. He TOLD me he didn't want to let her screw him over because he really liked her, but if she's not interested he's okay with it?
Whatever. Me and him hung out a lot this weekend. I made my first ever duct tape wallet and Jacob hasn't stopped laughing since. It really is awful though.
I found out that Brandon went to go see the Dark Knight again with Greg. It wouldn't bother me so much, but me and him planned on doing that on the 8th, we had a whole day planned out for us. I mean, we -could- go see it again, but before we went the first time some people at work were trying to get me to go with them, and I told them no, because Brandon and I already had plans to see it some other time. But even though me and him had plans it didn't matter, he went anyway.
Maybe I really do just expect too much from people in general. Like how I always expect Brandon to tell me not just the truth, but the whooooole truth. He has a problem with that.
Of course, he expects me to feel so horrible when I 'hurt him' by being upset by something he does or says, but when I tell him that something upsets me I'm just told that I overreact. Or told that "you're fake tears aren't gonna make me feel bad for you" even though I really am crying, and it only makes me feel shittier that he doesn't care.
Maybe I'm just pissy because I'm gonna be on my period in a few days
or maybe it's just because I haven't seen Brandon since Saturday (when he was at work, I'd like to point that out, cuz it's really not the same)
Or maybe I still just don't know what the fuck to think about Jacob and Becki or the fact that they're gonna be having sex whether they mean something to each other or not.
Fuck it all. I just wanna see my baby, but he doesn't even have time to text me back.
Been mostly alone this weekend. I fucking hate being here.
much angst
s
oh, the other day I was talking to my friend from Istanbul, and he's been saying that I -really- need to go there because it's sooo beautiful... then I realised that he didn't mean to visit. He wanted me to move there with him.... I told him I had a boyfriend. I guess I didn't realize he was flirting, cuz I can't understand his english. . . Proving once again that I can't have guy friends.
My Brother
In the span of two days I have literally lost all respect that I had for my brother.
He claimed he just wanted to get to know Becki better, to find out if she was as bad of a person as I said she was, even though he knew about how she cheated on all her boyfriends, and let a guy cheat on his girlfriend with her for a long time... And When he texted her saying that he wanted to hang out with her more she said "I figured you did"... Not "I'd like to hang out with you more too" or "That would be fun" no, she just figured he wanted her, you know, cuz she's that fucking great.
Later in the day they were talking on the phone, and he put the phone down to his leg and mouthed "IT'S NOT WORTH IT! IT'S NOT WORTH IT" because he was so fucking annoyed and bored. Yet he still invited her out to our house, because he wants some action. That is the EXACT reason he gave me for having her over.
So not only is he going after someone he knows has been around and that he finds annoying... He's USING her. That's bullshit. I don't even fucking like Becki, but no girl deserves that.
When I walked into his room this morning to tell him I needed a ride to work in an hour, they were laying in his bed, his arms were around her.
bullshit.
I take back what I told him about hanging out with Brandon, I don't want him anywhere near my boyfriend. Brandon may need some friends, but I wanted him to have friends who would influence him positively, not encourage him to gawk at other girls and use them because they're horny.
Just because she's easy doesn't mean she doesn't have feelings. She probably thinks he genuinely likes her, because even she has the sense to not be with someone who doesn't.
Fuck,
S
He claimed he just wanted to get to know Becki better, to find out if she was as bad of a person as I said she was, even though he knew about how she cheated on all her boyfriends, and let a guy cheat on his girlfriend with her for a long time... And When he texted her saying that he wanted to hang out with her more she said "I figured you did"... Not "I'd like to hang out with you more too" or "That would be fun" no, she just figured he wanted her, you know, cuz she's that fucking great.
Later in the day they were talking on the phone, and he put the phone down to his leg and mouthed "IT'S NOT WORTH IT! IT'S NOT WORTH IT" because he was so fucking annoyed and bored. Yet he still invited her out to our house, because he wants some action. That is the EXACT reason he gave me for having her over.
So not only is he going after someone he knows has been around and that he finds annoying... He's USING her. That's bullshit. I don't even fucking like Becki, but no girl deserves that.
When I walked into his room this morning to tell him I needed a ride to work in an hour, they were laying in his bed, his arms were around her.
bullshit.
I take back what I told him about hanging out with Brandon, I don't want him anywhere near my boyfriend. Brandon may need some friends, but I wanted him to have friends who would influence him positively, not encourage him to gawk at other girls and use them because they're horny.
Just because she's easy doesn't mean she doesn't have feelings. She probably thinks he genuinely likes her, because even she has the sense to not be with someone who doesn't.
Fuck,
S
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