Damn (found this unpublished from earlier this month?)

Can I just like... Be alone forever? 

Date someone who isn't obsessed with video games or who isn't painfully lazy? 

I get that I get behind in things. Sometimes I can't get out of bed. That has nothing to do with me being lazy. I don't like bein awak because I feel so much more when I sleep. Being Awake seems to mean feeling nothing or feelings sadness. I may have a good conversation and I may do something fun and smile or whatever, but literally the moment it's done I just want to go back to sleep because all the joy is gone instantly. 

And now I've just been feeling insecure. And fat and ugly. I feel like everything is wrong with me and I do t want to force other people to be around the huge mess that defines who I am. 

XoXo,

S

Brain mush

I just want to punch you in the mouth... With my mouth. 

GTFO of my brain. I think about you too much. You're being too nice and too sweet. And I don't think it's under the same intentions. And even if it is I don't want to jump into something like this again quite yet. 

But yeah. Out of my head. Now. Thanks. 

XoXo,

S

Connections.

I want to talk to this guy I know. 

But I don't think he's interested and I have nothing to say. I just wanna talk. And have him talk back. 

But I also just got out of a relationship a few days ago. It was long over due, but I know that I need to stay single for a while. I know I'm not quite ready for that yet. But does not being ready to date mean no flirting? Does it even matter because I'm pretty sure he's not interested? 

I hate how my brain works. I just want to talk and connect with people. Even if it brings nothing. 

XoXo

S

Running Away

I'm not okay. 

I feel like I'm drowning again. I feel like everything is wrong. I want to tear down all the walls and break everything and hope that something new grows. 

I was thinking of how I almost ran away 3 years ago before I started college. I had money saved. I found an okay place to crash. I could have had a life changing adventure but I didn't. And I hate myself for it. 

I have no savings. I can't do anything and I'm just really trapped. I've been trying to break up with rob for the last week but I don't know how. I can't live with someone anymore. I just want to be alone but I don't know how to just come out and say it. He's the only friend I really have. But I'm starting to hate him. 

How the duck do I do this? I'm sitting next to him and in my brain I'm just screaming "for the love of god can we just break up already" but how the fuck do I do this? 

XoXo,

S

Thoughts

I get the feeling that everyone hates me a little, and that the people who don't only don't because they don't know me very well yet. 

And I think it's sad that if someone has hundreds if friends is sad, everyone cares and it matters and everyone feels bad, but if someone with no friends complains in the same ways, they're annoying and need to get over it. 

Just some thoughts. 

XoXo

S

My face and My fucking boyfriend

So at work I regularly get comments about my age. I suspect that they're fishing for my exact age most of the time, to see if I can go to bars (and flirt and so on), or just trying to make me feel good.

I cut all my hair off and I've been wearing makeup because I've been feeling down lately about how I look. I looked in the mirror today and for the first time in a long time I felt pretty. I don't look as nice as I used to, but I felt okay about myself.

Then I went to pick up Rob at work, and I have his little 15 year old sister with me. First Rob told me that we were being checked out by some of the boys there. That was the little thing I needed to hear, confirmation that I'm not ugly as fuck like I've been feeling.

Then he continued to say that they thought I was his sister's mom. She's 15. So even if I had her when I was 13, that'd put me at 28. I'm fucking 23. I turn 24 this year.

Who the fuck tells someone that they look old? who hears someone say that their girlfriend looks about twice their age and, not only doesn't get upset over it, but TELLS THEIR FUCKING GIRLFRIEND.

How fucking long do we need to date before he starts acting like a fucking decent human being. When will he learn tack? I want to shave my fucking head and claw my god damn face off. Why the fuck do they let me out of the house?

I feel like eating a box of fucking cookies and then throwing up until I'm thin.

I was having such a good fucking day. I had toyed with the idea of plastic surgery when I got hired in full time, but decided that I loved my nose and that I didn't care if my eyelids were a little heavier and made me look a little older... but no. Fuck. I'm ugly.

XoXo,
S

Asexual doesn't mean no standards.

I feel sick. And I feel terrible. And for no reason I want to curl up and sleep and not wake up for a month. I've had a headache since Tuesday because I started a birth control with headaches as a side effect. 

I've spent a lot of time with robs family lately. I went to Michigan for one if his sisters graduations, and we took another of his sisters home with us for a week to get her out of her dads place. We'll be doing that with all of his sisters through the summer. I freaking love them. 

But I still feel really disconnected from rob. He may be officially moving in soon. I suggested it. It's my fault. But my intentions were for him to save money by not paying rent on dewald because he's rarely there. But now I don't want him to be at my place for long. And I don't want to just leave him and I don't want to ditch his sisters. Especially his youngest who gets screwed out of time with her brother more than any of them. But I feel trapped and I just want to be by myself. And not feel guilty when I go to the bean and see Jon and his friends. Rob can see and hang out with whoever he wants and I don't care. It's him who has the jealousy problem (in the situation of hanging out with the opposite sex friends whom he doesn't know). I realized a long time ago that you can't try to control who others see, and that if they want to cheat or whatever he's paranoid about, they will wether they were given permission to see them or not. 

He also really irritated me when he said that he liked that I was asexual because it meant he didn't have to worry about me "screwing some random guy" behind his back. I'm being finicky, but people don't usually cheat with strangers. Some people are more prone to I guess, but no, it's generally someone they know or got to know. And I can fucking have sex. I'm capable. And I can feel deep emotional connections with people and I can want to have sex with them because of it. I'm in the grey area if asexual. Just because I don't feel sexual attraction to someone I've slept with a few times and dont generally feel sexually driven doesn't mean I can't cheat. I just hate when people feel too content and too secure. Like, if I'm so fucking special you should always treat me like it and not have the mindset that just because I probably won't fuck someone doesn't mean I can't fall in love. 

I'm not trying to. I'm not looking. But there's so much more to a relationship than sex. My lack of a sex drive is NOT the same thing as me always being content with whoever I'm with. My dating history is solid proof. 

XoXo,

S

Mother fucking negative bitches. 

And yet the pain in my uterus is still there. Anxiety doesn't magically poof away. 

But I'm starting the pill finally. And they were really great about saving me money. Fuck yeah planned parenthood. 

Taking care if business now instead of allowing myself to keep having anxiety attacks, cutting, having worse anxiety because of cutting, not being able to sleep because of shame of cutting and then feeling even more anxious due to sleeplessness. 

I can't tell if I'm cramping or if its just anxiety. 

And realistically I should be fine. But I'm fucking anxious which leads to all sorts of sickening symptoms of pregnancy. 

Xoxo,

S

Myself disconnections

I think the thing that's been hurting the most and that's really getting my stomach in knots isn't the possibility if being pregnant (home test 2 says no, paranoia says go to a clinic to test anyway)... It's just how fucking alone I feel. 

I just see all these people on Facebook spending time with people. Having fun. Connecting. 

I have nothing. No one. 

Who can I honestly talk to with no judgement? Where can I turn to die advice? Who can I always count on when I'm feeling down? No one. 

Can I blame them? I'm fucked up anymore. I'm boring. I'm stupid. I do dumb shit all the time. I'm needing and annoying. I don't even like myself so why the fuck would someone else? 

Just about the only person who seems to like me is rob and I'm sure it's only because he hasn't realized how much of a piece if shit I am. 

I just want to get away from myself for a while. Away from all these people who I just don't seem to connect with. 

I want to connect. 

Xoxo

S

I don't think I. Could ever forgive a man for getting me pregnant. 

Tests say no. Still having a period (or bleeding) but its lighter. Still having pms beforehand. 

The thought literally makes me want to die. I've relapsed in self harm recently. I don't even know what to fucking do. I literally hope I have ovarian cancer instead. I may very well be the worst person in the entire world for saying that, but there's nothing I've ever wanted less than a baby. Or a pregnancy. 

I think I'm going to go in on Tuesday to have planned parenthood check. My sister said she had repeated negatives when she was testing for this kid. 

I will fucking break up with rob if I'm pregnant. I hate sex. I KNEW he was coming and not changing the fucking condom. Fucking knew it. He's a lying retarded piece of shit. I can never forgive someone for doing this to me.