health

ebay is literally both the reason I'm able to keep going (aka, BUY THINGS) and the bane of my existence. I pair of knee high classic-colored converse for $15 less than store price BRAND NEW?! Honestly, I'd wear them under my pants 99.9% of the time. But I want them anyway. And they're sexy. And I'm a big high schooler at heart.

Speaking of me never growing up... Hot Topic was having a sale that was so retardedly cheap that I actually was a little giddy over it. No, seriously, I'm talking wallets for $3, headbands for $1.50. SHOES FOR $10. I didn't buy anything, but I touched everything in the entire store in like 5 minutes because I have shopping ADD as it is.

When school money comes in, I'm doing two things. Buying a pair of classic black high tops so I can match more outfits than my pink ones can (and I'm buying those from eBay, because it's cheaper by a LOT.) and a pair of white chucks and some of those new sharpie fabric staining markers. Or any type of white canvas shoes. Also, I'll be getting from ebay. Because it's a good fucking deal.

I'm still surprised at people's reactions to my chest piece. I know it's fucking BIG and in your face if my top is low, but I'm really used to it, you know? I had a "maybe this was a mistake" phase over it, believe it or not... Back when I was with Brandon, even. But fuck, it's a big beautiful work of art, you know? It's a part of me. How can I not love it? My leg tattoo is on the ugly side, but when I think of what it means to me? I can't think of something better to have there. If I ever make it to the "professional" world (and wear pants every day) I'm getting that whole leg done up. Sunflowers and astronauts. I think there are sections of skin I want to leave bare. Like, I have tattoos on my left leg, so I want it to be done up. And I have one on my right foot, so I want to pretty it up to my ankle is different pieces (but not full colored, no backgrounds for the foot, I think.) and I want to continue my chest piece onto my left shoulder, and incorporate it into my shouldblade and do a quarter sleeve on that side. But leave a lot open. Maybe for smaller pieces in the future, maybe to be bare forever. I don't know.

But I'm getting some high-necked nude, black, and grey shirts. Something that goes above my collar bone, can be tucked in to my pants, and have short sleeves that I can put nice shirts over. I want money. I want to indulge in my out-of-work subcultural lifestyle. I want more fucking tattoos. I'm not getting there at wendy's. I'm not going to get there at any of these jobs. I still think I'll wear a wig before I give up my hair though. Or find strategic ways to hide color. Maybe get the "fake bangs" or whatever. Speaking of my hair, I haven't been dying it or straightening it because I'm too poor. It;s feeling healthy, and looking longer. Front is almost chin length, and the back is the same length but in layers. Give it til the end of the year and I'll almost be shoulder length again, and long enough for extensions. If I can get my hair into a pony tail, I can dye the ends weird, and put it in a bun and clip a normal colored ponytail over it. :P

MY HAIR IS GETTING LONG. And fairly healthy due to lack of blowdrying and straightening. YES.

XoXo,
S

(a fairly long winded post about myself because I haven't had a good one of these in a long time.

easy

I accidentally paid for pokemon blue 3 times. The guy was great about refunding two of my payments. I love when mistakes get taken care without issues.

XoXo,

S

Well...

It doesn't happen often, but I genuinely feel bad about my second to last post. Because, I really love my boyfriend, and we're both individually going through rough times financially, and putting two grumpy people together who are in different age groups from different backgrounds and all this shit happens.

And we keep on trying to work it out. Hopefully we find our middle ground.

Love is a shitty thing, really. But I love it.

XoXo,
S

Aoi

I almost feel like I should be mad at myself. Money is fucking tight right now, and I'm on ebay. I BOUGHT THINGS. But damn, I need to treat myself sometimes :( And we're pretty sure michael got the job. As long as the budget allows him to work there (and they wouldn't be interviewing if they didn't think they could bring him on.) he has it. So our money troubles won't be killing us soon.

I got the Japanese version of Pokemon Blue. Pocket Monsters Aoi. I've wanted this since I was a fucking kid playing blue on my brothers gameboy pocket... Which I used to have, but somehow lost as soon as I got it. It was never seen again. :( I'm also bidding on one of those. A green one. my high bid is $5, though, and shipping is $10. I figured I won't win, but if I can get it it'll only be $15 and I'd wet myself with joy.

And Aoi? It was $17.99, free shipping, or best offer. I offered $10... they counter offered $15. I took it. I actually prefer bartering to bidding. I mean, I got it for $4 less than the buy price. It's also fully funtional, saves and plays or my money back. Good deal, right? :D

I feel like a little kid sometimes. But I like it, because unlike when I was a child, the things I want aren't unobtainable. And it makes me feel happier, even if it's only temporary.

XoXo,

S

On love

"You know why people get addicted to coke? The first time you do it is fucking amazing. Blows your fucking mind, and then you come down and feel like shit so you want more. The second time is okay. Not as good, just okay. Maybe it'll be better if you have more... and more... but the high just gets shorter and the crash gets worse and what you never realize is that it will NEVER be as good as your first time."

That is some deep shit for a comic called cheer up emo kid. And oddly true. I understand a lot about the relationship I used to have with brandon. and the shit we put each other through. And how terrible is was. But, the first love is the one you remember the most, isn't it? I still can't bring myself to hate him, which is why I stay away like he has the plague (probably does.) but it never stops me from wondering if he's okay, and hoping his life gets in better order some day. Fuck those thoughts.

XoXo,

S

http://www.cheerupemokid.net/comic/2009/11/16/absence-2

GFY. Or a few things that are weighing on my mind right now.

I feel sick with stress. Or it's cramps. I haven't been keeping track of that. At least I'm payed today in case I have to go buy tampons, cuz I sure as hell don't have any right now.

Every time I try to move my life forward, something holds me back. mostly it's money. Sometimes it's people. Sometimes it's people I rely on because THEY don't have the money or feel too good to do something we planned on doing. (Like how I was told I could have friends over once we move into an apartment, since I'm never allowed to go out without HIM... And then today I'm told "well... I really don't want people using my furniture and ruining it. It's really nice and expensive furniture." (because apparently a couches main purpose isn't to be sat it. It's to look pretty in the room. The more you spend, the less durable it is. right. [really, I know it's just more of this "your friends are trying to get you to break uuuuup" shit. The people I know didn't give a shit that I was dating him until he stopped me from going to see anyone EVER. And now they're just annoyed. they still don't actually care.])

Maybe I feel kinda sick because I haven't been eating more than once a day. We can't afford to. I only make $600 a month. Add gas costs, and car payments, and then food for two. Not just food for too, eating out. Because even when we have food some people just don't feel like eating it. Either eat the ramen we got or go fuck yourself because I can't afford another trip to mcdonald's when you can't lower yourself to eating strictly off the dollar menu.

Maybe I feel sick because I work late at my job every night, because those are the hours I'm scheduled and those are the hours I like. I'd rather be up til 4 am, and sleep til 11. I'm comfortable at those hours. Those hours make me happy. HOWEVER, for some reason though, my non-conventional hours must mean I'm lazy, and clearly I should have to wake up at 8am because HE does, even if I was at work til 2 a.m. and up til 4 getting other things taken care of. My schedule should clearly revolve around his.

Maybe it's because every time we go to the mall just to get out of the house, and I see something pretty or something I like and say "this is pretty. I like this," I'm told to buy it. Forcing me to say "no, I can't afford it right now." which for some reason is clearly the equivalent of me scream to the whole store that I'm poor? Clearly. Maybe it's just the fact that I am poor? WE are poor. WE don't have money for it. If that bothers you so much, stop telling me to buy things. If it embarrasses you that the only way to get you to shut up about buying something is for me to say I can't afford it, stop telling me to buy shit. We can't afford it. I'm not ashamed. We're still in a recession. A lot of people can't afford to drive to the mall to look at things they can't have. So what if you used to be able to spend money like it was nothing. I know it hurts to hear it, but shits not like that anymore. Leave me and my shitty job alone or go fuck yourself, because it's all we have. I cherish my job every shitty hour I have to work with every jackass who comes in and every day I have to work with the managers I don't like. Because I have a job. I have some money. I occasionally get to splurge on clothes, and most of all because some people would give anything to get a job that gives them as many hours as mine does, and I only get 25-30 a week.

OR maybe I feel sick because of the stupidity of the question "why would a guy want to be friends with you if he knew you had a boyfriend." Geez, idk, to be friends? I fucking guess that guys only want to screw you. Fuck friendship. If anything, that speaks more for YOUR personal beliefs than others. Why are YOU friends with a few girls if you think the only reason a guy wants to be a girls friend is to fuck her? Exactly. So shut the fuck up, you hypocritical jack ass.

My happiness> anything else. Screw your happiness when it involves taking away from mine. Screw what you want if it means me never having what I want. And when you don't like the clothes I'm wearing you can, of course, go fuck yourself, because you don't fit the ideal I have about what attractive men should wear. I knew that when I got involved and accepted that. I was pretty deep into a grunge/punk phase when we started dating. I'm wearing a fucking pink shirt today, and white heart shaped glasses. My fashion changes a lot. You don't like any of it unless you picked it all out for me like a parent laying it's kids clothes out for school. Go fuck yourself. Relationships ARE about compromise, but compromise doesn't mean 100% one persons way or the others. It means everyone suffers. If I start wearing the hideous shit you pick out for me (that looks like something a 40 year old business woman would wear. barf.) then you can start strictly shopping at hot topic, because I think guys in tighter pants and black band shirts are hot. If I can't get anymore tattoos, you HAVE to get some. And I have to pick them, of course. Since I guess we're shaping each other to fit our own visual standards in a partner.

XoXo,

Go fuck yourself,

S

passing

feeling like i have knots in my stomach. I just feel... like I need to be alone. move far away. be a broke ass unhappy artist in a shitty studio apartment in a shady neighborhood.

Like, packing up and leaving with no plan. That's the life I've always wanted to live...

:( I guess I'll just wait for this to pass.

XoXo,

S

more money

IF I can make $10/hr I can live happily on my own in the most expensive highest level studio apartment with $210 left over every month (at which point I'll just take the 499/month apartment on a lower floor) but that's really not a realistic way to live.. But that's including my car payment. And not including loan money for school. Okay, I'm just trying really hard to make this all work out even though it won't.

I hate admitting this considering how much I long for close knit relationships, but I really need to be on my own, and in complete control of everything in my life, even if the situation is complete shit. Applied for a different pepsi job, that only pays about $10 an hour. It's just not good enough. The WOST department needed someone working about 12 hours a week for them, but only if you have work study funds. I don't.

Getting the oil in my car changed for the first time today. It's free, at least.

Wisdom teeth being pulled in 2 weeks from today. Going to cost about $300 or more after insurance.

Rib-fest is this week. I don't know where the hell I'm going to get the money for it from, but dammit I will find a way!

XoXo,

S

down

Just got an e-mail from pepsi saying the position got filled. Didn't even get an interview. It's the first job I've actually applied for since Wendy's. Kinda sucks. :(

Been all around depressed lately. Thinking about dying my hair black, but a girl I really don't like from work just did (except it looks terrible on her, and I already know I look good with it... but whatevs)

I'm physically exhausted, and I'm feeling sick and shitty from it. Just want to curl up and sleep even more even though I've already slept plenty today. But in my defense, I was up til 2AM at work, and then I couldn't sleep so I was awake even longer. Tonight is just a dining room close, luckily. Hopefully not with Frank. Denis, Kim and Joel are all cool to close with, but Frank is just an ass hole and I'll spend my whole night feeling shitty.

But I've been feeling shitty anyway. My friends aren't my friends, my new coworkers aren't my friends... My boyfriend wants to get married and have kids and I really just don't. I'm stuck at wendy's... but at least I'm being evaluated soon, so I'll hopefully get a raise soon. Doubtful. But maybe.

XoXo,
S

The Future and what it holds

I just used an excel spread sheet for the first time since middle school when we learned how to do it. It's still just that easy. I figured it out in 5 seconds.

I also now know that after taxes (which is aprox 1-2 dollars less per hour than what you make) I need about $10 per hour (11-12 BEFORE taxes) if i want to be able to live my lavish 1 bedroom 3 rivers vanderbilt-floor plan huge windowed view-of-the-city apartment dream. Leaving me with $370 after my bills and gas, but not including food. I applied for a job that will get me $13 an hour after taxes, and that would almost leave me with $1000 every month after all the bills. I still won't get my hopes up, but I really want that job. Not just the pay, I want to learn to do more things. I want to have SOME skills. Even forklift driving is a pretty great skill to have.

My boss told me today that evaluations are in 2 weeks, meaning possible raises in two weeks. I think the best I could hope for from them is $8 an hour. I KNOW I deserve better, I've dedicated a good part of my time and life to that store. But that's what I'll get. So about $7 after taxes. Not enough for anything after bills. I'd starve. I could downgrade my living, which would get me $200 extra a month, but what can I save, then? Saving is IMPORTANT.

Sadly, if I don't get the jobs I've been looking at, I'll have to get a second one in addition to school. I don't think I can handle it and my grades will reflect the hours a week I'll be working.

I'm stressed. I'm tired. I'm feeling terrible about myself. I'm going to try to dig myself out. Wish me luck :)

XoXo,

S

change?

I'm kinda in the mood to just sit and think about my problems and cry. Cry a LOT and let it motivate me to move on.

I keep trying. I keep not going anywhere. I keep on having to deal with the same BS.

XoXo,

S

Factories.

Post #500 WOW.

I just requested an interview with a local Pepsi Factory. I won't say I've been reduced to factory work, but I will say that it sucks that the only way to make money or get a job right now is to work at a damn factory. I've made minimum wage while showing a ridiculous amount of dedication to Wendy's for the last 5 years. Literally, it's 5 years this month. I've gotten NOTHING from them. NOTHING. My hours vary (though, rarely dip below 25, but that's just referring to my current location) and not just in amount. WHEN I work varies. Usually at night. But not always closes. I was hired as a dining room closer so why am I not closing dining room?

Also, factories are usually super lax on dress. They may have a uniform, and I may have to take my lip ring out, but the chances of not being able to have fabulous hair and painted nails seems slim. And the lifting would be great for my body and dieting.

If I get the job, it's going to be great, and it's also going to suck. Good money, full time, but also while going to school and I get the feeling it'll piss Michael off. I'm starting to not care. I could afford my own place with this pay. A decent view of the city from a one bedroom at 3 rivers.

XoXo,
S