Approval not needed

Kinda tired of people discouraging me from things that aren't feminine. 

Idgaf if my tattoos aren't of butterflies and lilies and hearts. My femaleness is not lessened just because of a fucking tattoo that's not girly.

You all bitch when women have generic tattoos of ~girly~ things but you tell women with different styles of tattoos that their ink isnt feminine enough? 

I don't need your ideas of feminine, especially in relation to my body. 

Tw

One time when I refused to have sex with Michael he pulled a knife from his side drawer and began to cut at his wrists, yelling at me about how I was doing this to him. The cuts were my fault and I forced him to resort to it by not loving him and not giving my body to him on demand. 

After guilt tripping and insulting me more he pulled his dick out and forced me to give him oral and then raped me. 

This wasn't a rare incident. I don't know why I'm even thinking about it right now because I'm not upset or anything. I think I saw something on Tumblr that reminded me.  

I just wanted to say it so I can remember that the pain and fear I used to feel, and the anxiety I feel now when I think about him or pass him while driving or when someone brings him up... It's justified. I'm allowed to feel that way even though I'm in a better place now. 

Fuuuuuuck my brain.

So like. I've been social and junk lately and my social awkwardness is hitting me pretty hard and it's so discouraging. 

And like, I've been developing a crush on a cute guy I work with. And for the next 2 weeks I'll probably be working near him and I've been trying to talk to him without flirting or getting any sort if attachment because I'm not so sure we'd make a good match, but also because I'm pretty sure he couldn't possibly like me back and I'm also pretty sure he'd be one of those guys who makes me feel crazy. 

But he's got a cute ginger beard and junk and looks like he'd be good to cuddle. And now I have his phone number cause he asked me to crochet something for him and now I'm like "can I text him for other stuff? Would that be weird? Should I just leave him alone altogether?"

Fuck I was feeling really good about myself Monday and I've been feeling like shit about myself since. Literally I can't even have things go well for me without hating myself.