a few things to get off my chest.

I feel like I've been running in circles for a while now.

I'm looking for a job that pays at least $8 an hour, because it's impossible for one person to live on minimum wage, let alone two people (which shouldn't be happening, but what the hell ever.)I'm tired of being yelled at about where all my money is going when it's all going to gas and food for two fucking people. I can barely support myself, let alone a bottomless pit that's never happy with what I can give. It's not even cheaper to buy groceries. Instead of going to McDonald's a few weeks ago, we decided to go to the grocery store, where I ended up having to buy $20 steaks, and a $30 bottle of wine (because he'd "rather have a nice bottle of wine than eat." Well, guess what, I need FOOD.) so I ended up spending $40 more than if we'd just gotten a fucking big mac.

I understand that you get used to the lifestyle you were raised with but being adaptable is a big deal when you don't have the money to go a bar that charges $20 for fucking fish n' chips. And $10 a drink. I'd love to be able to do that too. It sounds like something fun to do on a weekly basis but that doesn't mean that you CAN. We can't.

The basis that you determine things from can be crazy. I won't shop at CVS anywhere because I was once accused of stealing when trying out the free samples of make-up on display. It was based entirely on how I was dressed. I also don't go to Maurice's because they follow me around the store, asking me if I need help every time I touch something even though I told them more than once that I'm just looking. Again, because of how I looked to them (except on this occasion it was because I looked poor, not because I looked like a "goth" )

However, saying that we can't live in a certain area because we don't have hundreds of dollars to blow on nightlife? Fuck that. I loved the view from that apartment building. If the only thing I ever got to do was walk around town (FREE) and look out and view the city from the apartment (also kinda free, besides costs of the apartment) I'll be happy. I don't need to go buy an expensive new outfit to go to a club and I don't need overpriced pub food. My taste buds aren't as "advanced" as you're I guess, but greasy fish tastes like greasy fish, and a bed of lettuce with dressing on it tastes the same until you start getting into the expensive ingredients that can be put on it... Which they don't do. $100 in food for one night, or eat for a week anywhere else. Why is that a hard choice?

I like shopping, I like browsing, but I don't like buying. I think its selfish and wasteful of me to buy everything I want. And, wanting something doesn't mean I'll use it or that it'll look good on me. Why get angry at me because I don't buy something I like? As in, why get legitimately MAD because I go to the mall, look at everything and only buy something to eat for the trip? When it's your money you can do with it as you please, but I prefer to keep mine longer than payday. You know, on account of a minimum wage job and 30 hours a week.

And yes, the Jesus of Suburbia look is a hipster thing. There's a shit load of sub-categories to every subculture. Emo, goth, punk, skater, ravers, scene and hipsters. All different sub-cultures with 100 different ways to take claim to a part of the subculture. Subculture is what I know. It's how I grew up and it remains part of my life. Yeah, you may have been a pseudo-skater in high school, and your a pseudo hipster now, but that doesn't mean you know everything about the culture. You can't survive as a high class corporate world jack-ass for as long as you did and still make claim to that past like a badge of honor while you bitch about everyone who skates now. If they're all white trash, then so were you. Deal with it.

XoXo,

S

.

bad day turning into a bad night at work.

up

My nose bled this morning and my eyes are watery. Welcome to spring.

The real reason I'm blogging? It's maintenance day on WoW and I'm at IPFW with nothing to do until 2, when I'll be long gone. Cafe World only demands so much of my time.

Its is sad or strange that I feel 100x's happier and closer to the people I've only been working with for a few months than I did with ANYONE at my last job during the last few months of working there? I even love the customers more. I've pretty much given up on my old friends. I don't have the heart to delete them from facebook yet, for some reason. (Maybe I can never fully give up hope?) and hopefully I'll be meeting this couple that Michael got to meet while I was at work. The girl is a hardcore cosplayer. I know that can be scary because it also CAN imply anime-obsession, but at this point I'd rather become a happy-go-lucky anime geek than bitter. And Anime's and Manga have cute art. I've always liked that.

Plus, I love wigs, and dressing up and having my picture taken while I'm dressed up.

I'm going to have a talk with a guidance counselor about possible internships in fields that my current major will compliment, which will also help me determine my second major. I'm excited. Obviously I'll still be keeping my job at Wendy's because most internships don't pay, but even if I'm hired on I'd probably still work there a night or so a week. Who can argue with a discount on food and getting to spend time with people you enjoy?

At work the other night I was referred to a kinda grunge tree hugging hippie goth thing. :D I love those people.

XoXo,
S

.

I think I need to see a doctor or a psychiatrist. I really just can't pull myself up anymore. I haven't been able to for a while now. Maybe its time to admit that I need help?

XoXo,
S

The Gaga Effect?

I think it’s been pretty clear as of late that my self-esteem has been a roller coaster. That’s normal though. Lately, it seems to be sending a lot more time downhill than up. (actually, I guess I’d say spending more time uphill, because going up the hill is boring and scary and you feel a little queasy looking down, but once you hit the top and start the drop it feels amazing and excited and you feel alive. )

I just feel like crap. Self conscious, worthless, like I’m not doing anything and have done nothing in the past. I pretty much can’t think of a single thing about myself that I like half of the time anymore. Lets not even get started on my appearance and how I’ve gained weight.

and yet, as I sat and listened to Judas, and watched the new music video, and then trailed off into the depths of youtube watching even more Lady Gaga… I go to the bathroom, and am shocked to look in the mirror and see the pretty face I used to believe I had. Not at all the way I did when I woke up this morning. Actually, despite the general unhappiness I feel a lot better about myself. Still terrible, but better.

The guy with the skeletal tattoo on his whole body in the Born This Way video… In Lady Gaga’s interview with Bazaar Magazine she said “he was born this way.” No, he didn’t come out of his mother’s womb like that, but it’s who he felt he was, and it was the way he was “destined” to be. I watch him in the video now, and he just seems so normal to me. This guy isn’t a guy with a body size tattoo, he’s just a person like everyone else.

In other words. I fucking feel good, despite how sick-to-stomach I feel and how stressed out I am and how fat I seem to be getting.

XoXo,
S

Finals are done and...

I have two options. Sit at a girls house that I really don't care for for 3 hours while my boyfriend works out how we're doing the lunch lectures next year (and she has absolutely no ability to stay on fucking topic and thinks her personal life is an AMAZING conversation piece), or waste gas taking me home where I'm not supposed to be without him (and his mom IS home) and have him leave me there while he drives back and I sit there for 3 hours alone with nothing to do because WoW is down.

What the hell? Why can't there every be a good option?

Finally done with classes, and yet nothing gets to be easier or less retarded. Fuck.

XoXo,
S

Café World

The café world nerd in me is so excited right now, on account of them finally allowing you to view all of the “quests” you’re on, so if it disappears from the side bar, you can now scroll to see it instead of having to complete all of the quests you have lined up.

I’m also excited that every time I type café it puts the little thing over the E.

XoXo,
S

finals

I keep forgetting I have Live Writer. Probably one of the only useful things my laptop came with. I did end up getting Microsoft Office from the store on campus (can’t beat $20)

I’ve been drinking a diet drink. Not a dieting drink, a drink that is the diet version of the original. This is insane, because every diet thing I’ve ever had in my life has either given me a migraine from artificial sweeteners or made my stomach hurt (for FSM knows why.) But I drank a Cherry Coke Zero yesterday and was right as rain. Maybe my body has gained a tolerance for it, or maybe the Zero drinks are made differently than the diet ones (because diet still has calories, zero has none.)

I may have actually done well on my algebra final, but it’s too early to tell. My WOST final is tomorrow and it’s open notes, but I haven’t felt like going back through and writing all of the information down when I’ll probably do okay, and I have 100% on every assignment I’ve done for that class. Even if I didn’t show up I’d still pass the class.

Hopefully my grade on my algebra final is good enough to pull my grade up to a C. Doubt it, but I can always hope.

Look, I formed full thoughts into a post for the first time in a long time.

yay me.

XoXo,
S

OBL

The government conspiracy theorist inside of me has a lot to say, but I'll force her to shut up.

:)

XoXo,
S