Mostly irrelevant pictures.

Picture from the last week or so, because I haven't posted any recently and I hate not having pictures in my blog. Yes.

My new haircut. CAN look like the traditional Emo cut.
Or I can part it all the way to the side and make it look like an asymmetrical cut.
Boob shot.
Bleached out my hair.
Instead of turning orange, it turned a weird light light brown/dark blond. And the red spots are yellow blond.
Yeah, I cut my face out in pictures because it makes me feel deeeeeep.
Gumball from Toys 'R Us. I had to break through the shell with my keys a few times just so I could break it into small enough pieces to put it in my mouth. It hurt my jaw just to chew on it.
The Skittles bag that me and Michelle designed a few years ago. Yeah, Thanks for stealing ideas from our Radiohazard clothing line. We haven't even gotten started and you've already hurt us.
Yeah, you even made the back in the same fucking way.

A Juku doll. Yes, like Harujuku. As in, the cutesy Japanese style. I wanted one.
The snow man Brad built
XoXo
S

this is NOT pms

My upper back has been super achy. I've been keeping up with Excedrin back and body, but for every 6 hours that the dosage is supposed to cover, I get about an hour of no pain. I've been trying to stand straighter as well, since it COULD be because my slumpy posture finally catching up to me after all these years. Either way, it fucking hurts. And I worked out for 45ish minutes today in hopes of strengthening my back.

Now, the real reason I'm blogging, after a blog drought on my part. I was on my period about 2 weeks ago. I won't be on it for another 2 weeks. And yet, besides just my upper back, my joints have been ACHING like they only do when I'm PMSing. I've been having HORRIBLE mood swings. Yes, I've been a grade A bitch this whole week (and crying at every sad thing, and feeling overly crazy.) I'm being stubborn PMS me. My stomach looks bloated (My fucking work pants don't fit, neither do my smaller shirts) but it doesn't FEEL bloated...

Then, as I was exercising downstairs, I realized my boobs were fucking bouncing. My boobs only get bigger around my period. ONLY. They have not gone up in size since they grew to the A's they are. THEY ARE BIGGER. I even had cramps while I was working out... Hell, I only even get the DESIRE to work out when I'm PMSing. It's INSANE.

I swear if I start early I'll be pissed.

Now I'm exhausted. So easily. Oh, and I started to bleach out my hair. Bought some oil treatment for it that cost $7 for 2 oz. It works beautifully.

Hope this is all sorted out soon.
XoXo
S

reading material

I need something to read.

The Women of the Otherworld has gotten boring. I liked the werewolves, not the damn witches.

The Anita Blake series has gotten boring. What the point of all this sexual tension built up in the first few books if the lady can't even write a decent sex scene? Why has sex and Anita's relationship problems taken over most of the book? I LIKED that story lines. Sure, I skimmed through to find the parts with her and the vamp, but she can't write the sex right so I NEED THE STORY BACK pleeease. (Seriously, she the sex scenes make sex... unsexy.)

THERE SHOULD BE MORE IN THE HARRY POTTER SERIES. If not, why is this not a cute little animated tv show yet? Fuck the majority of the plot for the books, I want a little irrelevant "teenagers life in school" show about HARRY, that occasionally follows other various characters, like Snape, Draco, the Weasly Twins, and Hermione. It can even suck. I will watch it.

Make Vampires go away. I miss back when the only vamp show on tv was Buffy. At least they got rid of the boring "I love you and I stalk you and I'm dark and brooooding" vampire halfway through the show. At least Spikes obsession with her makes sense, and at least Buffy wasn't some average girl who is somehow so SPECIAL that everyone must love her. She was a 3 dimensional character.

X-Men... Make the movie about Magneto. He's the only character that is TRUELY dynamic in that series (though, the real changes happen pre-movie... which is why they need to make a movie for HIM.)

Also, more Toad in the series. SERIOUSLY. I know, it's a weird obsession, but a valid one. No one keeps up with their GOOD Toad fanfictions. This dissapoints me.





I was at Barnes and Noble this weekend and didn't buy a book so I hate myself.

Migraines

Tattoo appointment made for Jan 2nd. Fuck yeah.

Got a migraine today. I'm going to start keeping better track of them. I COULD feel it coming on early in the day, because my body temperature was way higher than usual. My body felt like I was burning up even though I felt normal. My head got a little... blurry. The pains I have for most of the day before I get the migraine, but they aren't bad enough to notice most of the time. Just THERE.

And my Excedrin DOES get me a kind of high. I feel pretty good right now. Light headed, dizzy, my heart is beating faster than if should most of the time... but I feel sooo good and so energetic right now.

I'm also putting forth the effort to make lifestyle changes to help prevent migraines. Yeah, I hate exercise but if it helps it helps.





I'm pretty psyched about Christmas. I'm gonna have money to put in my savings, enough money to pay my half of rent and bills AND I'll be able to get my tattoo (it'll be about $100, the guy said) So things are good.

I'll post some of the pics I took this weekend.. but tomorrow, because it's getting late and I don't want to spend all that time blue toothing them tonight.

Sketches

One of these toxicy rave birdies will be tattooed to my foot next week :) not sure what colors I want to go with.

They all have AFP-esque eyebrows and the green ones have bright pink blush like back in the olden Dolls days. (done with black, hot pink, lime green and yellow sharpie)

XoXo
S

Happeh

Have you even just felt happy? Content with life. Fully aware that things aren't perfect, and that there's so much wrong around you and there are serious things that need taken care of but it honest to god doesn't matter to you?

That's how I feel right now. THIS is the feeling I'm talking about when I say that all I want in life is to be happy. I'm HAPPY. It's amazing and crazy and I don't think I've ever felt quite so whole in my entire life.

Then again, I took a few more than the recommended dosage of Excedrin Migraine. Maybe I'm just high. (I legitimately had a bad migraine, don't judge me.)


Didn't get my tattoo today. But I think I'll be stopping back at Garfield's for all my tattoo touch ups. The man was so nice, and so reasonable. He either really loves his job or really needs business, because he WANTED us to be nitpicky. He WANTS to touch up every little mistake in our past tattoos. Plus he's got 30 years in the field. When I have to cash, he'll definitely be touching up my chest piece and shoulder blade.

Was going to post pictures... but can't find good ones.

XoXo
S

Prostitution

Being a prostitute doesn't mean your opinion is invalid. Selling your body for money (though, still very taboo, at least in America) whether to make a living or just so you can buy some drugs, is fully your choice and I respect your ability to make that decision for yourself.

I still stand by my opinion that that's not a real job nor do I respect what a prostitute does for a living. I know plenty of girls who use guys for money and possession.

There are two differences between them and hookers.
1) They don't pretend it's a job. And a lot of them have a job on the side for their REAL cash flow.
2) They actually use their powers of manipulation to get what they want. They WORK at it. Use their charm. It's ALL WRONG and a horrible thing to do, but at least they put forth some effort into getting those things.

The only thing a hooker has over a girl like this would be that the hookers are more upfront about it.





To long? Didn't Read?
A hooker was complaining because her choice of profession causes her to not be respected. I work in a fast food restaurant. You pick your job, you deal with the way people treat you because of it.

XoXo
S

Lady Gaga: friend or foe

As continually debated by Amanda Palmer, I had a nice sit down with myself and decided that Lady Gaga is indeed a friend.

No, I haven't heard much of her music, but anyone who looks THIS influenced by the club kid scene is fine by me.

Lady Gaga

Club Kids

See? :) How can anyone who's ever loved the Club Kids dislike her? Even if she were full of herself, untalented and a celebutant. IT'S A PART OF THE SCENE. Exactly. I think I'm going to buy her cd now.

My Brother is Playing 7 Nation Army

I got my big boxes from work. Made up a pattern thing and made a coffin box. I'll post a tutorial once I get the process down a bit better... and finish one. Still need to tape one full up and put the fabric on it. Also. latch it.

Got TWO Christmas presents taken care of. Still need Jacobs. Still need my sugers (at least a present-y part. I got part of it done.) Michelle is taken care of totally though :) just have to have them shipped here and shipped out.

Life is moving too fast. It feels kinda good.

Period soon. Very emotional. I hate this. :\

XoXo
S

#LOFNOTC

I hearby clear all Friday nights just so I can be a a Loser Of Friday Night On Their Computer.

Amanda Palmer WebCast last Friday was AMAZING. I forgot to blog about it I think.

XoXo
S

My Job and Me

Sometimes, all you have is yourself. Even when you have someone else in your life. When it comes right down to it, no matter what you share with someone else, when it comes right down to it, you still need yourself and you still need to be true to whoever that is.

If you keep that, then you can make it through whatever it is that happens to you. True-ness to myself is more important to anything else in my life. The ability to be me will make me happy. Being happy is one of my only goals in life.

No, I'm not having "trouble in paradise" it's just something I've been thinking about.

I've gotten a dozen complaints from customers about my hair in the workplace. Complaints that refer to nothing than the fact that they don't like my hair or don't think it belongs in the workplace. All the comments I get are regarding nothing but my appearance (and not that I look "dirty" just "inappropriate" ) but those customers never comment negatively about my work. Not once.

I know what I signed up for with the hair. It does still get frustrating sometimes. I do as good (and in some cases BETTER) of a job than those I work with whose appearance you claim "work place friendly." Take our back register operator for instance. She gets at least 4 or 5 comments a week about how rude she is, or how she keeps fucking up everyone's order. She has long naturally colored hair, looks pretty, and has no piercings. I, in my 3 1/2 years of work, have yet to get ONE negative comment about my work.

I don't even mind people being turned off by me at first. It happens. First impressions are based on appearance. However, once I prove my worth as a worker you'd think people would change their minds or at least become a little more tolerant.

Bottom line, if I were ever stuck with the decision to choose bettween my job and who I am, I'd quite without a second guess. Sorry Brad. No job is worth giving up myself.

XoXo
S

Shopping

Christmas shopping... Not going so well. Also, having a hard time finding a good winter coat, since mine seems to have gone missing. It doesn't help that I'm picky with this stuff, but with my abnormal body shape it's hard to find something that fits well AND doesn't make me look like a complete fat ass.

Found a few, some were too tight around my hips, or too loose around my chest, or just looked awkward on my body (or weren't in my size.) You really wouldn't think that it was that hard to find a cute black coat that would keep me warm :( Lots of cute ones, lots that would keep me warm, lots in black but NONE that fit properly. Bastardly coat industry. Making coats for thin or shapeless girls. The only way to get a coat tailored for girls with hips is to be plus sized or have to boobs to fill out the top of the XL's.

Anyway. Hopefully will be getting SOMETHING bought tomorrow. Even if it's just my brother's gift. Or even if it's just a coat.

feeling next to on top of the world :)

Should get to use my Lomo at the park tomorrow. Hopefully. I want more than pictures of my apartment and my brother about to attack me. I want to mount the camera to my bike and take cycling motion pictures :) it'd be cool.

I'm going to start eating healthy...

Oh look a cookie.



<3
S

Closure. Finally.

I just found out that my first real relationship ended because of lies. :(

Don't get me wrong. Brandon and I both agree that we just can't work right together. We tried. We loved each other, but we just didn't work. Not to mention I'm pretty damn happy with my life at the moment. VERY happy.

But to know my first true love, my first lover, the first person I could see myself with for a long time and the first person who could change my mind about marriage never cheated on me (the reason we had our first breakup) really hit me hard. I have no doubt we'd still be together if that hadn't happened.

Apparently a girl that was dating one of Brandon's friends (met her once or twice while having a bad day. She didn't like me much and I thought she was a bitch) and I guess not long after meeting me she started telling Brandon that I was cheating on him with some guy from work.

I guess when he didn't break up with me they decided to work the other way around and try to tell me that he was cheating on me. He DID sleep with that girl (crystal) he never denied that. Just said it wasn't while we were dating.

I DID break up with him. And our relationship was never the same again.

I'm the kind of girl who needs closure with bad situations. And now I have it. Makes me feel a little better.

I wouldn't change what I have now for anything. Ever.

XoXo
s

Money

Getting a Christmas present should be SO FUCKING HARD.

I have a TON of BRILLIANT ideas. Seriously, I know exactly what 2 or 3 perfect gifts would be, but can't for the life of me afford either of them. I could afford one with my next check, but it requires me to monitor eBay and keep my eye on the bids and me searching to find a good one.

The other is just a set price and twice of what the eBay gift is, but literally the perfect gift. I can already see the the excited facial expression when this one is opened. I can't afford it in time, but I want THIS to be the gift. THIS ONE.

I should have started looking sooner. I'd have had more time to pick something out. lame. And once Christmas is over I have to pay my brother $300 for the Wii. I hate money sometimes. I'm usually happier when I'm broke and not buying things.

XoXo
S

THIS

I love cuddling.

I love being held.

I love waking up next to someone I care about.

I love there being someone who wants to wake up next to me.

I love the POSITIVE overwhelming feeling I get when things are going well.

I love being able to play around and NOT have someone try to grope me.

I love being cared for.

I love having someone to care about.

And I love how my life is going right now.

XoXo
S

Another Year: Amanda Palmer

I tried to fall in it again
My friends took bets and disappeared
They mime their sighing violins
I think i'll wait another year

I want my chest pressed to your chest
My nervous systems interfere
Ten or eleven months have passed
I think i'll wait another year

This weather turns my tricks to rust
I am a lousy engineer
The winter makes things hard enough
I think i'll wait another year

Plus i'm only twenty-six years old
My grandma died at eighty-three
That's lots of time if i don't smoke
I think i'll wait another year

I'm not as callous as you think
I barely breath when you are near
It's not as bad when i don't drink
I think i'll wait another year

I have my new bill hicks cd
I have my friends and my career
I'm getting smaller by degrees
You said you'd help me disappear

But that could take forever
I think i'll wait another year
It'll be the best year ever
I think i'll wait another year
Can't we just wait together
You bring the smokes, i'll bring the beer
I think i'll wait another year

Lomoholic

Loving my new camera. One roll of film down, 9 1/2 more to go :)

Hopefully the pictures turn out well, and I can post them once I get paid and can develop them all :)

Should be taking pics in Fort Wayne soon. Even though it's chilly out.

Need to make some carrying bags. One of my Digital Polaroid, one for my Lomo, and a little bag for my batteries and film. OOOOOH and some lenses.

I fucking want filters...

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I hope I have money for this stuff in the future. And a new Lomo. Maybe a Diana Mini.

oooooh, I just found a new one called Horizon, which takes really wide framed shots. I FUCKING WANT IT.




tl;dr I'm a camera fetishist/junkie
X0X0
S

Baby Firefly

I just found out that Gaia Online (my cutesy little anime game, that I haven't been keeping up with lately) had taken away all tobacco products from their shops.

I only found out because of the apology they put up about it and them putting the items back IN the shop...

I'm a little disappointed that this even happened... being the cigarette sympathizer I am. And having the Cig, and being a huge fan of the Long Drag. They're a part of fucking culture!

It's taken care of though. So no need to rant.

I'm going to be growing my hair out :) for real. And really really long

Like Sheri Moon Zombie long. As Baby, with pretty little curls, because my hair does that naturally.

Of course, my hair isn't even... idk, an inch long. But I'll manage. Probably grows about an inch or so every few months. Should take about a year or so :\ I'll have to keep strong. Cuz... Yeah. more than 2 months without over-dying or changing my hair? Ffffffffffffff. This is gonna suck.

I CAN DO IT.

XoXo
S

the Jeep Song

Hopefully about to have a good weekend.

Got myself a Lomography Action Sampler camera. 4 lens.

Cost about $55 and came with 10 rolls of 35mm film to get me started :D I can't wait to get it.

My mood is evening out a LOT now. hope it stays that way. At least for a while.

Listening to AFP has definitely been helping.







Haven't been wearing my old faded black pants lately due to a hole near a pocket, and needing to wear black underwear. Put them on for the day, and holy shit, I found about $14 in the pocket. :)

Life is good.

XoXo
s

again

And now, as if nothing has happened, I feel right again.

wtf if wrong with me?

At least I know that this isn't my heart that's in the wrong place, it's my fucking head.








fml.
XoXo

wtf

Why doesn't anything feel right?

I just want to feel right again.

I hate my jealousy.

I hate that I can't accept you.

I hate that I can't accept myself.

I hate that there's something wrong with me, and

I hate that it hurts you even though you didn't do anything wrong.

I hate that I can't fix it.

I hate that I can't control it without losing part of myself along with it.

I hate that there's something wrong with me that I don't quite understand.

I hate not understanding.

I'm tired of all the pressure in my head.

I need to take the edge off of life. Feel normal.

XoXo

up up up :D

After feeling really taken apart. Starting to feel so overwhelmed that I couldn't take anymore of whatever it was that was pressuring my mind... Well, I was brought back down to earth :) Thank god for having a close friend again. I'm afraid of myself when I get like that, and it hasn't happened in a while.

Life is looking up, hopefully for a while.

Let's have a run down of the last 3 days.
Monday: pinched my finger in the ladder. It bled, and the ladder was dirty so it stung. Randomly stressed out day, ending with me deciding to get a head start on cleaning the oven just to get a large, long burn on my wrist from the hot oven rack. It didn't blister but it hurt like a bitch, and hurts just as badly as it heals.

Tuesday: cut my finger open on a staple that helped hold together a headset that I use almost every day. I never had problems with it before... but I'm not happy with the dumbass who made the bottoms of the staples face outwards. Then, I got to Wal-Mart and went to the bathroom just to realize the crotch of my pants were ripped. They weren't when I left the house so who knows when it happened. Luckily, it was in the spot that it probably wasn't visible (at least I hope not... if it were I'm sure someone would have told me...) but it was at least a quick fix, I had safety pins on my underwear :) I'm as prepared as a boyscout.

Wednesday: (today) woke up early for once, but with a headache so bad that I was nearly imobalized. Add to that a stomach ach that was comparable to the cramps I get on my period. FUCK THAT. Took some Excedrin, went back to sleep, felt better when I woke up but barely made it to work on time... Did I mention was 5 minutes late Monday AND Tuesday? fml.

Then I was going into that mood. Dark and empty. The people I work with don't make it any easier (jesus fucking christ I hate skanks) but thankfully I was pulled out of it. I think this week will be looking up from here on out. I even found hypo-allergenic bandaides at Walgreen's that I can use on all of my cuts and burns. and having ointments means the burn won't scar too badly. BA :D

Oh, I dyed my hair... and I missed a few spots with the black Dx and I feel like a generic psedo-rebelious middle schooler. But I'll survive. :) $2 buys some cheap black dye that will at least make it not look blond :D

Because It Makes Me Feel Like an Artist

I went through all my webcam shots today. Made me feel a little better about my lacking of artist flow lately.

wtf, self.

I'm going to go see that alien movie with Brad today. (: Best manager ever.

Feeling on and off all week. Don't know why. I'd like to blame seasonal depression. I think I will, just because it's easier to deal with feeling down when there's some reason to it.

I have realized lately that I always seem to be a little on edge. Why? Who the hell knows. I don't feel especially stressed out (quite the contrary, besides my car dying I'm having no problems with bills or friends) but it seems like if I really wanted to, I could just break down and cry at any give thing. It's that feeling around your eyes where you know that you could just let go and cry at any thing, but you don't because you know it doesn't actually bother you.

What the hell.

XoXo

Disconnection

Disconnection used to be a god send. A temporary freedom from whatever it was that I was going through. Or maybe I just remember wrong. It's like things just aren't clicking, nothing is processing right. I'm trying to reconnect everything, but it just isn't fucking working and I'm tired of the constant pressure and numbness and how hard it is for me to sleep and function.

The weather doesn't help, I hate the winter.

When was the last time I felt right? I can't even readjust to myself enough to enjoy the things I used to. Or, anything really.

Fuck, I used to blog once every day, sometimes twice. I haven't even been able to do that.

I need to go take pictures. I need my model back. I need my life to be put back in order.

I miss Indy. I need the city. Jacob said we could move to Fort Wayne when he got back from basic. Too bad it's not now. I think it's what I need.

XoXo

Self Piercings

I was talking with Brittany about piercings. I think I want to buy a shit-ton of sterile needles and experiment on myself.

I have my lobes pretty well finished as far as piercings go (one more on my left, one more on my right) so I was looking up the many many tutorials on piercing your own cartilage (I'm wanting the lower cartilage on my right done, and outer conch on my left. Possibly a Helix if those go well, since it looks a bit more complicated.) and I'm surprised how stupid some people are.

You can't sterilize a safety pin. Maybe a sewing needle (and that's a big maybe, it's still not surgical quality metals.) In fact, you should use a needle like that to begin with, you want one that is hollow in the center. Sterile, hollow centered piercing needles are like $2 at most online. I pierced my lobe with a safety pin once, and it got really nasty, so when it finally healed it had built up a nasty little lump of scar tissue. You don't fucking want that. I took it out completely and let it heal, and let me tell you, re-piercing it was painful as fuck. Scar tissue is not your friend.

Then, I finally got along to gauging it, and because the scar tissue doesn't stretch, the quality of the gauge in that ear is pretty shitty, and it tore a few times, which you really don't want because it ends in more scar tissue. That inevitably leads to more pain and more tear and even more shitty scar tissue if you gauge up again (which I plan to. See how I fucked future self by using that safety pin?)

But anyway. My only fear with the cartilage is getting the bubble from it. I'm not too concerned with shattering my cartilage, honestly, because I'll be using a hollow needle and not a gun, but to this day, I've yet to receive a consistent answer for what it is. If you don't know what it is, you can't prevent it, or treat it when it happens. I'm not a big fan of the unknown when it comes to my body.

I guess I'll be researching more. Maybe I'll end up going to a parlor for a tattoo or something and end up asking them then. Hopefully I get the needles with my next check (I have a lot of bills that will probably go on that check, and will be starting my new phone plan with it and the money I've saved up) so I'll keep you updated on how that pans out. If it ends well enough, I'll try for piercing other things (on other people, for free.)

XoXo
a now aspiring body piercer. Thanks Brit :p

Another Year

Been playing WoW. Stomach ache all weekend, then a migraine today, and that pit of your stomach/back of your throat feeling that you get when you're just starting to come down with something. Exhaustion.

Mellow music, almost every night. Amanda Palmer, obviously, Rob Zombie, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Slipknot's Vermilion pt. 2. I've never felt so artistic and so unhappy about it.

If nothing else in my lifetime, I want to create something truly thought provoking. I want to make art, and I want to relax and be myself and be around the people who understand me.

I want a new tattoo, or new piercing or new mod of any kind. Elf ears. They'd be fun to pierce.

I think I'm going to make a video of the fall. Something that makes no sense but for some reason makes you laugh or cry. One of those movies that just touches you in a way that you don't quite understand and forces you to think, even if you don't know what about. The kind of thing that inspires you, but not in a way that you can express or explain. I need to know that I can make people feel. That is the only thing you can truly accomplish in life, and if you don't you're existence is hollow.

Random Frantic Action

No Amanda, I cannot see the means without the end.

I try. But I can't. I can't spend thousands of dollars going to college and learning if I know it will show no real meaning once it's done. There's no end to those means, just debt. I don't want to work in a fucking office. I don't want to be a doctor, I don't want to be a lawyer or a social worker or vet or accountant. No amount of telling me to do so will change that. There's no reason for me to suffer through classes I don't care about, which will take time out of my work schedule and make it hard to pay bills, just so I can get a degree that will sit in my closet and go unused.

And no, I can't spend my life just hoping that putting up with someone I love will end up well for me. I prefer sure things to shots in the dark.

I'm tired of being home alone all the time. I knew it'd be the case when I moved in. But then, when people are here I just want to be alone.

I have a ton of extra money from this check. Maybe not a TON, because this will normally be where my phone bill kicks in, but I have spending money and I don't even feel like spending it. That's fucking insane. Spending money is my favorite past time.

Then I went to Fort Wayne today, with Brandon, as friends. At first he was acting like we were together, and "accidentally" running into me from behind, and hanging on me and so on. I told him I wanted him to stop. I don't like having my emotions played with. He said several times "I see you as more of a friend than a girlfriend" so I expect him to act like it. Then, he was being a douche the rest of the time, trying to upset me with our 'singleness.' by acting like he didn't care that he was commenting on random girls in front of me. Then was surprised when I called him a dick and walked off.

Jacob went to Cedar Point with his girlfriend and some friends, and I've been here alone since yesterday morning. Went to BWW yesterday with my family, but it only made me realize how much I like not being around my mom and sister (if they keep fucking talking about my dad like that, I'll stop talking to them altogether. He never says a word against them behind their backs. EVER and she's fucking 13 and pregnant.) I'm tired of them. And tired of my family pressuring me to go to college, and upset with the fact that it takes my sister getting knocked up to get my family to accept me. I know I'm not as fucked up as her, but do you really need the comparision just to accept me?

I really fucking want to see Rob Zombie. I think the concert is either late October or Early November. I can barely afford it (and will scrimp and save to get to go since I fucking LOVE him) but I don't want to go alone, and can't stand to go with Brandon (I'll either be upset the whole time, mad at him, or he'll be acting like were still together. Can't fucking win) and I can't think of a single person I'd want to go to a concert in Indy with. Plus, being in Indy only reminds me that I never hear from Michelle anymore.

I just want to fucking see Rob Zombie. And get shit sorted out, and put it through peoples heads that college isn't important to me (neither is money, really. That's why I don't mind buying everything secondhand).

Fuck Life. Screw the means with no end.
I want a new AFP album, asap. I need the therapy.

X0X0

Zombieland Birthday

Did I post about my birthday? No, I don't think I did. Well, it was baaad. The gifts were sweet, but the day sucked ass. So many bad things happened that I was pretty run down. It's cool though, cuz I have sweet Hello Kitty fleecey pajama pants, cute candles, balloons, MONEY, and make-up bags (and the Craig payed for me to go to the movies today with my brother, him, and Dan and their friends.

I'm going to be having to go into work an hour earlier on Tuesday from now on, because our new premium apple wood smoked bacon (which is fucking delicious) is cooked in the oven, which I happen to clean every Tuesday, and instead of taking 20-30 minutes it take about an hour and a half. But it's an hour more of pay a week :D YES.

Zombieland. I saw it today. It was fucking brilliant. Words can't explain how much I love that movie. It's definitely in my top 10 movies. It's even a ZOMBIE MOVIE. I think, after this movie, that my fear of zombies has been reduced to an average fear, instead of the intense one from back in my freshman year/8th grade. Thanks to Brandon slowly forcing and tricking me into watch movies like Resident Evil (which, despite scaring the shit out of me, I kinda liked) and now a humorous zombie movie, I'm over it (mostly...)

I love that girl too. I think she's the girl in Sex Drive, and in that movie that I didn't really like... Superbad, that's it. I love her voice, mostly. Girls with long hair and blunt cut bangs aren't really unique to my standard day, but her voice is unique.

Also, I've been doing a bunch of typist tests. The same one, actually... But over and over and over. I always thought I was a fast typist, but fuck, only 66 correct words per minute. Fffffffffffffffffffffff-. I'm finally got 67, but I want to type 100 per minute by the end of the year (lets see how long this pans out, haha)

Cashing the check dad gave me tomorrow. YAY :D I think I'm gonna buy some ducktape. I've been thinking out a new coin purse. Possibly with magnets. Idk. But I want to make a new one, maybe sell some. who knows. I just need a non-internet hobby. haha.

OOH, yes, That book I ordered from Border's, Voice of the Blood, they canceled my order. BASTARDS. I didn't want to buy them used, because I enjoy breaking in a new book (knowing those little creases are from me reading and enjoying the book. Ah, the little things. One must appreciate them. Zombieland said so. I'm also craving a twinkie.

X0X0

Letters

Dear Thinks Your an Artist,
Over edited photos, generic macro-like flower shots, and paintings with no heart, no matter how beautiful they may look (okay, over edited photos just look cheap and over-edited) have no meaning, no flavor and aren't art. They're wall-hangings, profile pictures, things to put in a scrap book and good pieces to work around for things like computer backgrounds and other things across the internet that need to be pretty, but art they are not. I could go into this further, but knowing your dry, boring, and way too closed minded personality I can tell that nothing will get through to you. The greatest artists don't just make a pretty picture, the put forth imagination beyond a painting of a silhouette to a red sunrise. They're art invokes something in people that can't be put into words, and by invoke I don't just mean they are impressed with quality and color. There's no art without heart, and there's no heart without a deeper feeling (a passion that you can only explain through your work.)

Dear former friend,
the only thing your astrological sign says about you that you actually are is two faced, indecisive and superficial. You are not witty (the requires wit) you may get those annoying hyper phases, but your generally lazy and therefor not energetic and your certainly not clever or imaginative. :\ delusional maybe, but not imaginative.

Dear Recently Ex-Boyfriend,
You make me fucking insane. Your general lack of caring, you victim stance on every situation, and your inability to comprehend situation or apply past ones to the present (just because they aren't exact.)

Dear brother,
I may not pay as much of my check towards bills and food, but I do nearly all the cleaning, and ALL the dishes, and all of the laundry that is not personal (towels and such) and I've been taking out the trash a lot lately, because you haven't been home to do it. Yes, you pay the bills (only a little more than half of them, that is. I still pay quite a chunk of them) and I play the role of the domestic girl. I was afraid that I would be the one leaving messes for you to clean up, who'd have thought it'd be the other way around.

Dear Best Friend From a Distance,
I'd make time for you, I would. I'd clear my schedule for you because I miss you. I'd accept mere hours of your time, because it'd mean an hour of catching up. I haven't heard from you in weeks. We speak maybe once or twice every other month. Is it really so much to ask that I get an hour of your time when I'm in the area? Of for an hour of yours when your up here? I've never been around so many people than I am now, but I've never felt so alone and so unhappy. I'm honestly wondering if this is where we've finally drifted apart completely past the point of being compatible anymore. The point where friends try to hang out and end up in a long awkward silence because too much has changed. I suppose I should just be happy that I was able to have that kind of connection with another person, because some people never do.

Dear brother's friend,
I don't think of you like that. I hope you know that. It's nothing person, you're just too much of a brother to me.

Dear Grandma,
Now that my sister is pregnant, everyone in the family has seemingly learned to accept me. I hate that the only way you can all truly accept who I am in through the comparison with her, and the fact that I "could be worse." My sister could also be worse, surprising as it may sound. I could also be 'better' in your eyes, so why settle for me just because I'm not knocked up? I hurts. It really does. I'd have rather you insulted my hair, asked me to be normal, and told me I was ruining my life.

Much Love

RIP Cloves in the USA

So, I JUST found out about the ban on flavored tobacco and clove cigarettes. I hate letting things get to me, but I am (after realizing how shitty digital tv has made everything) beginning to disbelieve in the governments intentions again. How did I lose my way and re-become a government loving douche-bag anyway? Glad I'm getting over it.

1) Clove cigarettes... They're the "goth" smoke. I actually had every intention to buy a pack, just to have, because they're THE GOTH CIGARETTE. They would benefit me in photo shoots, and make me feel 'cool' for owning them, despite not being a smoker, and probably never smoking more than 2 or 3 of them. They were something that I wanted to experience, because they don't sell them around here and they aren't cheap. If I wanted a regular cigarette I'd just get them from my mom.

2) I have only ever heard of flavored cigarettes once, in health class at school. They don't really talk about them in TV shows or on the news and I've never seen a cigarette ad for anything besides plain camel cigs. They aren't marketed for kids, because more kids only know about the cigarettes in their mommies purse.

3) I know a LOT of underage smokers (okay, they're all legal now, but they weren't when I met them) and NOT ONE OF THEM smoked cloves or flavored cigarettes. They smoke what their parents or friends smoke. Whichever they could most easily get ahold of is what they smoked. How can they be the gateway if the only people who smoke them are seasoned smokers?

4) How is it legal for you to take something that is no more harmful than the regular cigarettes away from people who are the legal age to smoke? Just because it may taste better to them doesn't mean they'd quit if it weren't available. My mom started smoking a less tastey version of her Marboral Menthols because she couldn't afford them. She didn't quit. She switched. Everyone else will too.

5) Of all the reason to ban any type of cigarette, they chose the ones that I would call bullshit on. Oh, its not because they'll eventually give you cancer and kill you while letting your secondhand fumes kill everyone around you. No, it's because of the chiiildren. Nevermind that only adults smoke the yummy ones, NOOOO it's for the KIDS SAKE. Even though they'll be able to smoke chain smoke their cheap nasty cigarettes legally anyway (and will do so

tl;dr
I want some cloves you insensitive bastards. AT LEAST CIGARETTES DON'T CAUSE CAR ACCIDENTS LIKE ALCOHOL AND POT (okay they kill you anyway, but they don't hinder your ablity to think straight after you've smoked one)

In love with Indianapolis, Tattoos, Metallica, Lamb of God

I've been so drowsy lately. Only on days that I work. Today was the worst, but it seems like no matter how much sleep I get I can't get started in the morning. I get 7 hours of sleep every night. EVERY night. I go to bed some time between midnight and 1. I wake up between 7 and 8. Besides me waking up at 3 every night (which I've done since I can remember) I get solid sleep. I don't know why I can't function just because of me getting up at 7:30 instead of 9:30. I even usually got LESS sleep when I was working at 9:30, so why can't I snap out of the tiredness. Even Brad commented on how slow I was going today (not just work-quality. My response time is longer when we're talking, I'm not processing things right anymore.) I don't have the problem on the weekends, when I stay up til 3 and get up anywhere from 7-11. I'm hyped and energized. The only factor is that I'm going to bed sooner and getting up at an earlier time. After a month you'd think I'd have gotten used to it. My internal clock is a stubborn bitch.

Well, I got my tattoo Friday. LOVED Indy, as I always do. I miss the city already. I love the city.

Anyway, here are a few of my pictures from Indy (including Metallica, Lamb of God, my hotel room, and various places in Indy)















So it took the better part of an hour to upload all of those. I hate mass photo uploads. Especially after doing an even bigger mass photo upload for my Facebook. Anyway. The hotel was fucking beautiful, top to bottom. So much care for detail. We even got one of the few end rooms, which has a long wall that goes to a corner at the window. If you know anything about me and rooms, you know I love unique room shapes. Like how I love this room because the ceiling goes at slight angles instead of being flat, and the bedroom in the basement has 8 walls instead of 4, giving it more shape. The colors for the hotel were even beautiful and looked older, like the kinda fit the date that the building was made (in some places, in others it was very modern.) The continental breakfast was phenominal too. And there was a chef standing and asking everyone if there's anything else they want, and if they're enjoying the meal. He offered to make a guy some eggs because there weren't any included. They even treated all of us Metallica-concert-goers as well as the people who looked like they were there on business. Yeah, if you're ever in downtown Indianapolis, stay at the Hampton Inn across from the mall. It's a bit pricey, but it's 100% worth it.

The concert... I hid my Mace on my shoe, because I'm pretty sure we shouldn't have it. I was a bit nervous when they patted me down, because they did the legs too, and if they'd have gone an inch lower on the front of my leg I bet they'd have felt it. But I don't even like being in Decatur without mace. I keep in on my purse now instead of my lanyard though, because I've been letting Brandon carry the lanyard (It ruins some nice outfits) and that makes the mace useless. Anyway. We didn't make it in time for the first band. I wasn't feeling good, so we waited until the Tylenol kicked in. We were on the floor, so we were smashed in front of the stage (it was a small space, but so much closer than the seating) and got to see all of the Lamb of God set. It was bad ass. But fuck, Metallica was AWESOME. Not just them and their music, the lasors, the lights, the moving coffin light fixures and the colored fire. It was the full "we're famous as hell and know how to give a show" concert. I got a guitar (maybe bass) pick. Brandon got one from Lamb of God AND Metallica. :)

I still think the Offspring concert was better, but I knew 90% of the songs the Offspring sang word for word. I couldn't even sing along to most of Metallica. I knew some, a lot were familiar, but not word-for-word familiar. Still. Fucking awesome.

Then, of course. My love of Indy. I could have wondered around that place for hours. Easily. Gotten lost and enjoyed every second of taking in my surroundings. Indy just gives me such an at-home comforting feeling. Being around quite a few people but never too many. Getting the big city feeling without the same fear (in Downtown Inianapolis of course. It does have it's bad side, and it scares the shit out of me) of a place like Chicago. Although, I think I've only ever been on the bad side of Chicago. I was young I don't totally remember but the place looked dirty everywhere. Buuuut. yes. I'm in love. With Indianapolis. I miss it so much.

Our tattoos were done by John Chandler of Steel Rod Tattoo. The red spots on Brandon's Hello Kitty's foot and face are HIS blood, not the tattooed blood. Now that it's more healed it's just nice zombie green. Both were about $150.

X0X0