On a similar note as one of my previous blogs... Why do people call Reese's "Reesey's?" They were named after the dude who invented them (or the idea, or whatever, I don't actually know the extensive history of the stuff)
Reese as a name... Is pronounced Reese. REES. But somehow by adding an apostrophe and and an "s" to show possession people have concluded that it's pronounced REESEES. To further boggle my mind, the small bite size candies are called Reese's Pieces which to me clearly implies that the words rhyme. I have an easier time believing they're called REES's Pieces than that they're called REESEES PEESEES.
Maybe if the apostrophe weren't there. Maybe if it was Reeses and not Reese's I'd buy the pronunciation. But it IS there. And I, even as a child, understood that an apostrophe doesn't change how a word is pronounced.
I know this is a bit in the opposite of what I was JUST talking about, but I'm not referring to spelling. I'm talking about the pronunciation of a proper noun. Sure, if you're from Louisville you'll pronounce it with your accent, but what accent produces Reese as Reesee? A white trash accent?
And, like a lot of other things that bother me about most people, I'll just have to get the hell over it because it's become such a widely accepted pronunciation that it's not exactly going to change.
XoXo,
S
January 31, 2012
January 27, 2012
guilt and change
Guilt tripping isn't always a purposeful act. Sometimes it's just not knowing when to shut up. If what you're saying has already been said and yet you keep repeating it knowing that it makes the person you're saying it to feel guilty you're guilt tripping. It may be "the truth" so yeah, you're being honest, but you only have to say it once. Just because the person doesn't do what you want them to doesn't mean they didn't get it, it means you need to learn to respect other's personal choices. Actually, the fact that you keep repeating something that makes them feel guilty in hopes of them changing their mind is guilt tripping in exactness. Learn to deal with not getting your way. It hurts sometimes but it's a fact of life.
Also, I hate having my opinion devalued (my counselor said disempowered. He knows how to speak feminist. I like this.) Just because my opinion isn't what you want to hear or what I may have done or thought in the past doesn't mean it's not my opinion now. People change. People learn to take control of their lives and stop letting others hold them back. So yes, my feelings may not be the same as you remember me being, perhaps that's because I value who I am over who others want me to be now.
I'm not sorry that all of this new found joy and self acceptance isn't the me you remember.
XoXo,
S
Also, I hate having my opinion devalued (my counselor said disempowered. He knows how to speak feminist. I like this.) Just because my opinion isn't what you want to hear or what I may have done or thought in the past doesn't mean it's not my opinion now. People change. People learn to take control of their lives and stop letting others hold them back. So yes, my feelings may not be the same as you remember me being, perhaps that's because I value who I am over who others want me to be now.
I'm not sorry that all of this new found joy and self acceptance isn't the me you remember.
XoXo,
S
January 26, 2012
The Evolution of the English Language
i have all the information I need to write my paper that's due tomorrow, but I really don't have the motivation to write it right now. It's over words etymology and linguistic history.
Basically, grammar and spelling used to not be important as long as your point got across. Also, words meanings change, sometimes drastically. Ecstasy used to mean pretty much the opposite of what it means now (and you know... didn't also refer to a drug). Like, a fit of terror. Then it took on a more biblical meaning, like things tended to do around that time frame... and then became the feeling of inspiration and goodness that it means now. Being enthusiastic used to mean you were being possessed by a god or having some sort of supernatural inspiration (or inspiration in general). Then it had a more religious meaning, "A vain confidence of divine favour or communication" (which sounds a lot like "possession of a god" but I guess this was when it became more christian). It didn't start to mean being passionate about something until the early 1900's (as far as it's recorded at least). It's weird thinking about, and REALLY interesting and I'm glad I have the OED for free through school, but how do I make this one paragraph equal two pages? Doubles spaced... so more like one page. Still.
However, this got me thinking on a more every day level. We harshly judge people based on their spelling and grammar. Their intelligence will be questioned if what they write is riddled with mistakes, and yet Shakespeare had worse spelling and grammar than a lot of those people. Terrible spelling. People understood what he meant though, and therefor didn't call him an idiot because he may not have used to most widely accept way of spelling something. That's why some people spell color colour and why neither are wrong. There were 15 recorded spellings for ecstasy. 15 ways that it's been spelled throughout time, most of which are pretty common spelling mistakes NOW.
So why are they mistakes? Why is it wrong to accept a broader range of spelling just because it's not within the new and fancy rules of the English language? If we understand someone then why do we care more about how they wrote it than the idea that they're actually trying to convey? Does it really matter if we write then instead of than, because in most cases I'm pretty sure we'd know what the person meant (unless you're being a smart ass.)
Also, I've held this opinion for a while, but I've also tried to refrain from the terminology... But gay now is synonymous with stupid. It just is. It's widely used and accepted. Sure, it used to mean happy and evolved to mean homosexual. Now it's evolved more and now it refers to something that someone doesn't like. That's just how it works, honestly. We can keep trying to fight it, but words change. Drastically sometimes. You don't have to keep up with current language but it's not going to stop growing just because you don't like it.
EVERYTHING is in constant motion in this world. We all have to be too if we don't want to be left behind.
XoXo,
S
Basically, grammar and spelling used to not be important as long as your point got across. Also, words meanings change, sometimes drastically. Ecstasy used to mean pretty much the opposite of what it means now (and you know... didn't also refer to a drug). Like, a fit of terror. Then it took on a more biblical meaning, like things tended to do around that time frame... and then became the feeling of inspiration and goodness that it means now. Being enthusiastic used to mean you were being possessed by a god or having some sort of supernatural inspiration (or inspiration in general). Then it had a more religious meaning, "A vain confidence of divine favour or communication" (which sounds a lot like "possession of a god" but I guess this was when it became more christian). It didn't start to mean being passionate about something until the early 1900's (as far as it's recorded at least). It's weird thinking about, and REALLY interesting and I'm glad I have the OED for free through school, but how do I make this one paragraph equal two pages? Doubles spaced... so more like one page. Still.
However, this got me thinking on a more every day level. We harshly judge people based on their spelling and grammar. Their intelligence will be questioned if what they write is riddled with mistakes, and yet Shakespeare had worse spelling and grammar than a lot of those people. Terrible spelling. People understood what he meant though, and therefor didn't call him an idiot because he may not have used to most widely accept way of spelling something. That's why some people spell color colour and why neither are wrong. There were 15 recorded spellings for ecstasy. 15 ways that it's been spelled throughout time, most of which are pretty common spelling mistakes NOW.
So why are they mistakes? Why is it wrong to accept a broader range of spelling just because it's not within the new and fancy rules of the English language? If we understand someone then why do we care more about how they wrote it than the idea that they're actually trying to convey? Does it really matter if we write then instead of than, because in most cases I'm pretty sure we'd know what the person meant (unless you're being a smart ass.)
Also, I've held this opinion for a while, but I've also tried to refrain from the terminology... But gay now is synonymous with stupid. It just is. It's widely used and accepted. Sure, it used to mean happy and evolved to mean homosexual. Now it's evolved more and now it refers to something that someone doesn't like. That's just how it works, honestly. We can keep trying to fight it, but words change. Drastically sometimes. You don't have to keep up with current language but it's not going to stop growing just because you don't like it.
EVERYTHING is in constant motion in this world. We all have to be too if we don't want to be left behind.
XoXo,
S
January 22, 2012
drifting
The hopeless romantic inside me had been rekindled, I think. Everything feels so amazing.
Micheal still looms over me though. I think about him a lot. Not in a romantic way, just in a guilt filled way. I wish I had ended it with him a long time ago. No one deserves the kind of misery brought on by a relationship like the one we had. It wasn't my first time in one, and I guess I didn't learn the first time. I hope he finally moves on. I hope good things happen for him. I really want to blame everything on him, and tell people how badly he treated me and how much of an ass hole he was. How he gossiped constantly, even about people he said were his friends... But honestly I can't blame someone for being themselves. I'm the one who should have been honest to myself and gotten out of the relationship before it got so far out of hand.
I'm trying to not think about all of that though, because at night I have the arms of the sweetest guy on the planet around me. I've never met someone so genuinely caring like him. I could stare into his eyes forever. For a long while I was someone I wasn't happy with. I felt so bitter and angry all the time and everything irritated me. I'm feeling that leave now. I'm feeling good.
XoXo,
S
Micheal still looms over me though. I think about him a lot. Not in a romantic way, just in a guilt filled way. I wish I had ended it with him a long time ago. No one deserves the kind of misery brought on by a relationship like the one we had. It wasn't my first time in one, and I guess I didn't learn the first time. I hope he finally moves on. I hope good things happen for him. I really want to blame everything on him, and tell people how badly he treated me and how much of an ass hole he was. How he gossiped constantly, even about people he said were his friends... But honestly I can't blame someone for being themselves. I'm the one who should have been honest to myself and gotten out of the relationship before it got so far out of hand.
I'm trying to not think about all of that though, because at night I have the arms of the sweetest guy on the planet around me. I've never met someone so genuinely caring like him. I could stare into his eyes forever. For a long while I was someone I wasn't happy with. I felt so bitter and angry all the time and everything irritated me. I'm feeling that leave now. I'm feeling good.
XoXo,
S
January 16, 2012
now
I'm better than this now. I can handle this. I can beat this.
I'm better now. I'm better now. I'm better now.
I can fight my way though.
I'm better now. I'm better now. I'm better now.
I can fight my way though.
January 13, 2012
Why I keep a semi-private blog online instead of crying about my life to everyone who'll listen.
I've been trying to write a post about attention whoring "sad" girls without sounding like a jealous bitch. I guess I'll leave the post simple.
I have a guy who things I'm pretty, loves my body, gives me freedom and treats me well. He doesn't believe in having an insane amount of possessions or being greedy and tries to treat everyone with love and respect. My dad has overcome alcoholism and is trying to be the father I've always needed, is incredibly proud of me for being in school and goes out of his way to try to help me. My brother has always been there for me, and even though my mom and sister are insane bitches, I have a mother and a sister and a beautiful niece and nephew.
You want to know real depression? Trying have such a beautiful life and not being able to appreciate it. Not because of wanting more and being selfish, you just can't be happy. How about you live a life where when things are going great for the first time in years and you just want to not wake up in the morning so that you don't have to experience anything bad ever again or you want to start drinking or trying drugs because that way you CHOSE how and when you fucked it up. Feeling the worst when things are the best and feeling normal when everything is wrong. Wanting bad relationships just so you can explain to people why you cry all the time.
When happiness makes you want to die more than depression, you can start complaining to my boyfriend about how bad your life is. He's a great guy and all you're doing is manipulating him so that you can have some attention and feel good about yourself. You seek out the nice giving people because you know they'll bend over backwards to try to make you feel better and you won't have to do anything in return and that when you're done getting that attention you can just not speak to them for months at a time until you need more attention again and that they'll still listen and try to help you.
You aren't depressed, you just need to grow the fuck up. People like you are the reason that people like me don't want to ask for help. I'd rather people think I was fine until the day I die (by natural causes or my own hand) than think I'm some sort of whiny attention whore. I won't even say this to your face, or admit it to anyone else because I don't want anyone to have to worry about how terrible I feel inside.
XoXo,
S
January 11, 2012
four letters
Love is a 4 letter word. Smitten is 7. Smitten is good. The butterflies are good. Having the same person on your mind 24/7 is too. Especially if its always in a good way. Being able to look someone in the eyes and not feel like they're judging you. Getting lost in someones eyes for the first time in your life. Needing closeness. Secretly spending your entire day waiting... To have one person hold you. Having them make all your problems vanish the moment they're there. Smiling. Constantly. It's ecstasy. I'm terrified of love. But I love being so smitten.
I realized this last night. I can't even think straight because I can't think about anything else.
When was the last time I've ever fallen so hard for someone? I can't think of any. I've dated my huge high school crush, and the guy I used to consider the hottest ever, a close friend, a tall gothy stranger, a man with a direction in life. I never felt this before. Now I don't even know if I've ever loved any of them besides the one. Because the way I feel right now makes me question whether or not I was ever happy before. How could I have considered anything I felt before now happy, besides the fact that I didn't know how amazing I could feel.
I think, for the first time in my life I've met someone and it's the right time for each other in BOTH of our lives. He has the heart I've always wanted. The potential to love me how I need to be, the ability to do nothing but do so much at the same time. The support and reason. Just the fact that he can say things to me in a way that I'll understand instead of being upset or offended. He told me he was uneasy about my major because of the jobs opportunities. We had a discussion. We didn't argue. He wasn't overbearing. We discussed it like adults and came to a mutual understanding of the situation. It was just about the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. A conversation with two opposing opinions that doesn't end with me in tears and angry? Who knew it could exist.
I want to hold on to this and never let go. Fuck what everyone says about finding a person who they consider a good guy. My ex may have had a list of 'credentials' longer than the hair of the girl who sits in front of me in Algebra (no seriously, her hair must be waist length or longer) but he could never be what I wanted or needed. This guy can. He fucking IS.
I swear, as scary as it is to admit and as stupid as I feel for believing it when I've been with a guy for less than two weeks...
XoXo,
S
I realized this last night. I can't even think straight because I can't think about anything else.
When was the last time I've ever fallen so hard for someone? I can't think of any. I've dated my huge high school crush, and the guy I used to consider the hottest ever, a close friend, a tall gothy stranger, a man with a direction in life. I never felt this before. Now I don't even know if I've ever loved any of them besides the one. Because the way I feel right now makes me question whether or not I was ever happy before. How could I have considered anything I felt before now happy, besides the fact that I didn't know how amazing I could feel.
I think, for the first time in my life I've met someone and it's the right time for each other in BOTH of our lives. He has the heart I've always wanted. The potential to love me how I need to be, the ability to do nothing but do so much at the same time. The support and reason. Just the fact that he can say things to me in a way that I'll understand instead of being upset or offended. He told me he was uneasy about my major because of the jobs opportunities. We had a discussion. We didn't argue. He wasn't overbearing. We discussed it like adults and came to a mutual understanding of the situation. It was just about the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. A conversation with two opposing opinions that doesn't end with me in tears and angry? Who knew it could exist.
I want to hold on to this and never let go. Fuck what everyone says about finding a person who they consider a good guy. My ex may have had a list of 'credentials' longer than the hair of the girl who sits in front of me in Algebra (no seriously, her hair must be waist length or longer) but he could never be what I wanted or needed. This guy can. He fucking IS.
I swear, as scary as it is to admit and as stupid as I feel for believing it when I've been with a guy for less than two weeks...
XoXo,
S
January 09, 2012
fat
If you want to ruin a girl for the rest of their life, call them fat when they're young.
My W233 prof just said that. It's true too.
Jon wonders why I'm so self conscious of my body. More so than I should be. Sure, a little reluctance to take my clothes off is a good thing, but to such an extent I know it's unhealthy. The really sad part is that I KNOW my body is decent. My pants size may have gone up a little since high school, but I still can wear all the same shirts and clothes. I looked good back then, and I do now, but I can't shake the idea that I'm some gross obese blobby thing.
When he brought that up in class today, I remembered back when I was really young. Mushroom haircut young. My grandma used to tell me all the time that I needed to be watching what I eat so I didn't get fatter. I was a chubby kid, sure, but I have a pretty full face. I did until I got braces, and then my face thinned out and everyone talked about how good I looked and how much weight I lost despite the fact that I was the largest I'd ever been in my life. I didn't even lose weight when my stomach thinned out. I just gained hips. (sexy hips. And a sexy butt. Having a guy who appreciates your most prominent features is awesome.)
But I think I'm going to watch what I say when I talk to children. they don't deserve to have to look at themselves like I do. You should try to guide them, not knock them down with negativity.
XoXo,
S
My W233 prof just said that. It's true too.
Jon wonders why I'm so self conscious of my body. More so than I should be. Sure, a little reluctance to take my clothes off is a good thing, but to such an extent I know it's unhealthy. The really sad part is that I KNOW my body is decent. My pants size may have gone up a little since high school, but I still can wear all the same shirts and clothes. I looked good back then, and I do now, but I can't shake the idea that I'm some gross obese blobby thing.
When he brought that up in class today, I remembered back when I was really young. Mushroom haircut young. My grandma used to tell me all the time that I needed to be watching what I eat so I didn't get fatter. I was a chubby kid, sure, but I have a pretty full face. I did until I got braces, and then my face thinned out and everyone talked about how good I looked and how much weight I lost despite the fact that I was the largest I'd ever been in my life. I didn't even lose weight when my stomach thinned out. I just gained hips. (sexy hips. And a sexy butt. Having a guy who appreciates your most prominent features is awesome.)
But I think I'm going to watch what I say when I talk to children. they don't deserve to have to look at themselves like I do. You should try to guide them, not knock them down with negativity.
XoXo,
S
January 07, 2012
liiiiiiiife
My parents are officially divorced. I'm officially single/in a new relationship-thing/SOMETHING. I'm free. Fucking FREE.
I have my school books, my amazing hours, my classes start next week. New fresh infatuations with an amazing guy. Counseling. I'm in fucking counseling. It's kinda crazy. I never thought I'd do it but I did it.
It went well by the way. We just talked about stuff that's going on and gave him some background on my family and life. I think I'm going to start seeing him when I'm at IPFW for classes that way it's free.
I have a new tattoo. I'm not really trying to take care of it. Not washing, didn't get A&D for it... Just rub some lotion on it now and then and leave it be. It doesn't even hurt. No burn, nothing. And it's easily my favorite tattoo. I want more. SO MUCH MORE and I can HAVE them. I want my second lip piercing and some ear ones and maybe a dermal or two. A new hair cut? Hair dye?
I think things will be looking up. There will always be downs. But I think the ups are about to be more prevalent.
XoXo,
S
I have my school books, my amazing hours, my classes start next week. New fresh infatuations with an amazing guy. Counseling. I'm in fucking counseling. It's kinda crazy. I never thought I'd do it but I did it.
It went well by the way. We just talked about stuff that's going on and gave him some background on my family and life. I think I'm going to start seeing him when I'm at IPFW for classes that way it's free.
I have a new tattoo. I'm not really trying to take care of it. Not washing, didn't get A&D for it... Just rub some lotion on it now and then and leave it be. It doesn't even hurt. No burn, nothing. And it's easily my favorite tattoo. I want more. SO MUCH MORE and I can HAVE them. I want my second lip piercing and some ear ones and maybe a dermal or two. A new hair cut? Hair dye?
I think things will be looking up. There will always be downs. But I think the ups are about to be more prevalent.
XoXo,
S
January 05, 2012
my new year
The last 5 days have been a magical disaster.
I have my first session of counseling tomorrow. I'm separated from Michael officially now. We met with his counselor to talk it all out. The guy said that if I chose to I should start seeing him as I'm quite a hysterical girl who's life has been in quite a sad spot. As much as I've talked about how it's time for me to finally go get help to get out of my misery I never actual thought I'd get it.
Honestly, I feel really good and really happy right now. However, I keep making dumb choices. I never keep myself on track. I continuously start bad relationships and put the other's happiness before my own. I have issues to work out relating to my mom and sister, and probably some with my dad. Mostly with myself.
I got a new tattoo yesterday. "So often we live our lives in chains not knowing we're the one who holds the key"
I control my own life. I'll take care of myself. I'll date people who love and respect me for who I am and make friends who will appreciate me the same way. I will no longer feel responsible for the others problems and I understand that only they can fix them.
I'm kinda seeing someone now. We kissed on the new year. However, we're taking it slow so that I can feel out the relationship and how it develops and learning our compatibly before it's so serious that I feel like I can't leave.
I'm growing up, and I think I'm finally ready to. :)
XoXo,
S
I have my first session of counseling tomorrow. I'm separated from Michael officially now. We met with his counselor to talk it all out. The guy said that if I chose to I should start seeing him as I'm quite a hysterical girl who's life has been in quite a sad spot. As much as I've talked about how it's time for me to finally go get help to get out of my misery I never actual thought I'd get it.
Honestly, I feel really good and really happy right now. However, I keep making dumb choices. I never keep myself on track. I continuously start bad relationships and put the other's happiness before my own. I have issues to work out relating to my mom and sister, and probably some with my dad. Mostly with myself.
I got a new tattoo yesterday. "So often we live our lives in chains not knowing we're the one who holds the key"
I control my own life. I'll take care of myself. I'll date people who love and respect me for who I am and make friends who will appreciate me the same way. I will no longer feel responsible for the others problems and I understand that only they can fix them.
I'm kinda seeing someone now. We kissed on the new year. However, we're taking it slow so that I can feel out the relationship and how it develops and learning our compatibly before it's so serious that I feel like I can't leave.
I'm growing up, and I think I'm finally ready to. :)
XoXo,
S
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