Bradon is going to start closing at Rural King.
This means that I will be getting up in the morning and riding a bike to work while he sleeps... then he will be working til 10. If I do ride the bike (or learn to drive, haha) I'll probably end up going back to his house. I don't wanna sit around rural king from 4-10 (or 7-10 for that matter.) so once he's home, we'll have about 3 hours together. 3 hours a day. No mornings, no afternoons, just a few hours til midnight, when I'll have to go to sleep because I have to work in the morning. He hardly spends time with me as it is, because he always says that there is stuff to do (that he could do on his days off, or on the days that I work long hours and he doesn't)
He says he's not a morning person, because he sets the alarm an hour before he needs to get up, and because he'll lay in bed that whole hour. Everyone I know is like that. Not beacause we aren't morning people, or because of sleeping habbits. It's just normal. Even with 8 full hours I'll stay an extra hour in bed in the morning. I like mornings. I'm usually up some time between 6 and 8, regardless of bedtime. Doesn't mean I won't lay in bed for another hour after waking up.
I told him how hurt I was about it, and why.
He promised that he wouldn't close every night he worked, just to make me happy.
he's amazing.
I can't believe we only have a month left before he has to leave. We talked about it today. It's the first time since his last court date that he's talked about it. We talked for quite some time. My poor baby. I wish I could make him feel all better. I told him that no matter what I'd wait for him. Even if he couldn't afford work release I'd wait. I'd visit. I'd still love him even though he was away for so long. I told him he'd never have to go back again, because I'd never do something like that to him. It's his ex's fault that this is all happening...
I mean, I understand that he can be intimidating when you piss him off, but as he's told me (and as i've experienced first hand) he's all talk. ((Now that I really think about it... I think, maybe the way to handle him when he's pissed off is to just stay cool and be kind. Like I could ever do that though.... (: I'm a drama queen, still. ))
And it's nothing worth making someone go to prison over. seriously. You broke up with him, you got a restraining order against him, you put him through hell by lying to the court and forcing him to take classes that HE had to pay for. Now just leave the poor guy alone, he's already paid for the one mistake he made...which was dating you.
Every time I try to tell him that I'd never hurt him, or that I will stay faithful, he always reminds me that that is what both of his ex's said... and they both hurt him more than you should hurt a person. Really, if you're going to sleep around, don't keep exclusive relationships. that, I believe, is the differance between a slut and a whore.
I can't wait for this to all be over with. He's just so miserable about it all. 6 months seems like an eternity to him. my poor, sweet baby.
I'm gonna miss him all those months :'(
Much Love,
S
oh, today I brought up my birthday, and he was like "I just have no idea what to get you" :) it's so cute. But I won't help too much (a little help, just because he's stressing out over the jail thing) cuz I want him to think it up himself.
August 31, 2008
August 30, 2008
trying.
I tried the new conair. I guess my order wasn't canceled, but I get the feeling that I'm ridiculously overdrawn because the site won't let me log into my online banking account. fuck.
but I gave it a try. I'm not too impressed, honestly. I tried it without products, just to see how the iron itself would work... and it doesn't work any better or worse than the one I have, besides the fact that it's a bit silkier than if I didn't use products with the other one. the ends are even more dried out though, and frizzy as hell. I'll try it with products tomorrow, and if the results are the same I'll send it back. I really don't want it anyway. I don't have the money.
Today, for the first time in a long time I could tell that brandon was trying. We haven't been spending much time together, even though I'm always there. He'll always be in the other room or doing something else... but today, we sat together and watched the videos he made when he was younger. We sat for hours watching them. He was adorable, and had the same cute laugh he has now. His childhood was a lot like mine, he was too shy to have a lot of friends. And he's always had an obsession with girls... and their butts. :) it's cute, really.
Then for the last few hours at his house we sat on his front porch playing with a strobe light and fog machine drinking nesquick. No fighting, none at all the whole time. We fought a little the day before, and so badly the day before that that I had to get Kim to talk to him... but I think that yesterday, even though he got defensive and upset when I told him how I was feeling, it actually got through to him. Maybe it was BECAUSE we watched that old video, and he opened up to me a little more. He's not so good at that.
it was great though. And he promised not to drink as much this weekend. :) he's... being amazing.
Tia is having mom buy that conair.. problem solved.
I took pictures of my new socks. I'll post them later. <3
much love <3
S
but I gave it a try. I'm not too impressed, honestly. I tried it without products, just to see how the iron itself would work... and it doesn't work any better or worse than the one I have, besides the fact that it's a bit silkier than if I didn't use products with the other one. the ends are even more dried out though, and frizzy as hell. I'll try it with products tomorrow, and if the results are the same I'll send it back. I really don't want it anyway. I don't have the money.
Today, for the first time in a long time I could tell that brandon was trying. We haven't been spending much time together, even though I'm always there. He'll always be in the other room or doing something else... but today, we sat together and watched the videos he made when he was younger. We sat for hours watching them. He was adorable, and had the same cute laugh he has now. His childhood was a lot like mine, he was too shy to have a lot of friends. And he's always had an obsession with girls... and their butts. :) it's cute, really.
Then for the last few hours at his house we sat on his front porch playing with a strobe light and fog machine drinking nesquick. No fighting, none at all the whole time. We fought a little the day before, and so badly the day before that that I had to get Kim to talk to him... but I think that yesterday, even though he got defensive and upset when I told him how I was feeling, it actually got through to him. Maybe it was BECAUSE we watched that old video, and he opened up to me a little more. He's not so good at that.
it was great though. And he promised not to drink as much this weekend. :) he's... being amazing.
Tia is having mom buy that conair.. problem solved.
I took pictures of my new socks. I'll post them later. <3
much love <3
S
August 24, 2008
I was so hungry today I ate a bread sandwich.
And I've come to a harsh realization.
I'm not Amanda.
I'm Delilah.
I will never learn.
And I love that stupid bastard.
Except he isn't using me. He's just really immature and irresponsible. And inconsiderate.
and I really love him. Cuz I'm stupid.
I was looking at the pictures of us that I took (put some on facebook)... wish things were more like that again. But when I really think about it, they were always kinda like this. Good times, bad times. When experiencing the bad, all I have are bad memories. When enjoying the good all I can think about it how great we are, and how much I love him.
Maybe with every fight we work through we'll get better. It seems like the opposite now... but maybe overall it'll be for the best. I know he cares. I know I care.
see? I'm just Delilah.
<3
D.
And I've come to a harsh realization.
I'm not Amanda.
I'm Delilah.
I will never learn.
And I love that stupid bastard.
Except he isn't using me. He's just really immature and irresponsible. And inconsiderate.
and I really love him. Cuz I'm stupid.
I was looking at the pictures of us that I took (put some on facebook)... wish things were more like that again. But when I really think about it, they were always kinda like this. Good times, bad times. When experiencing the bad, all I have are bad memories. When enjoying the good all I can think about it how great we are, and how much I love him.
Maybe with every fight we work through we'll get better. It seems like the opposite now... but maybe overall it'll be for the best. I know he cares. I know I care.
see? I'm just Delilah.
<3
D.
August 23, 2008
hate to be an Amanda copycat (even though it seems to be who i am deep down... one big amanda copy)
but I was looking at all of Avril's Clothing line at Kohls. shit.
besides jewelry you could get at wal-mart for less than the sales price...
you have a generic plaid skirt... available anywhere.
you have generic striped polo... that you can also get ANYWHERE in a larger variety of colors. for less. . . with sleeves that are more complementing to those of us with larger upper arms.
which she does not.
I only have one day off next week, and that's tomorrow.
5 to 8 hours every day. stress.
the socks and laptop better come soon. They'll cheer me right up.
<3
but I was looking at all of Avril's Clothing line at Kohls. shit.
besides jewelry you could get at wal-mart for less than the sales price...
you have a generic plaid skirt... available anywhere. you have generic striped polo... that you can also get ANYWHERE in a larger variety of colors. for less. . . with sleeves that are more complementing to those of us with larger upper arms.which she does not.
I only have one day off next week, and that's tomorrow.
5 to 8 hours every day. stress.
the socks and laptop better come soon. They'll cheer me right up.
<3
August 22, 2008
Dell
I just bought a Dell Inspiron 1525. Got the one that has a basic build that INCLUDES the 9 cell battery and faster processing... it cost a bit more...
Got the cherry blossom pattern, it's purple.
got 500 GB external hard drive for only $95.
And it's got a web cam :)
I now have about $200 left in my college savings.
Fuck.
Got the cherry blossom pattern, it's purple.
got 500 GB external hard drive for only $95.
And it's got a web cam :)
I now have about $200 left in my college savings.
Fuck.
my socks/hair/belly fat/and guitar
Sorry for the lack of pictures on my posts lately.
I have this HUGE obsession with socks. Some people have shoes issues, some just like cute clothes... but i LOVE thigh high socks. I mean... I have a shoe and cute clothes issue too, but I bargain shop for those. I just spent $6 a pair for 3 pairs of thigh highs. Free shipping though, and no tax... wasn't expecting that.
It's all from this site called Sock Dreams that I've been drooling over for AGES.
I've been wanting some O socks (which I assume the O is for Over-the-knee) and they have the most wonderful colors.
got these lovely gold ones, because I need to brighten my happy self up a bit, even if I'm gonna be wearing black.
these are called O Brights. They're the same style as the O socks, but they have some different colors. I'm trying to stray away from basic colors or red and green and trying to get into the unique colors that I really love, like I was talking about in my other entry.
and of course, I nearly shit myself when I saw these... Teal. fucking teal socks. This pair is the actual reason that pushed me to buy them this time. I mean, come on, TEAL!
oh how cute, I just found these... I'd probably have bought them if I saw them earlier... maybe not though. I'm not as rainbow colored in what I wear anymore. Maybe rainbow stripes, but that's about it
in OTHER news, I dyed my bangs blue. I went on a limb and tried the Color Fiend brand, because it was on sale at Hot Topic. I'm not really impressed to be honest. It's uneven, dark in some parts, light in the others. The lighter color is kinda teal though, but I hate uneven hair color.
before and after
I've also decided that if I do end up moving into Brandon's house, I'm gonna get my ass up and work out. I have a bike there, so I can ride a bit every morning. I weighed myself, I'm 149. almost 15 pounds more than I was when school let out. I won't make excuses for myself anymore. I just gotta get out and work on it. My actual size hasn't changed much though. Hips are still 40 inches, waist still 29... I think I'm carrying the new weight on my thighs, upper arms and (fuck-it-all) my face. I can do this though. I haven't given up on myself.
Also got a guitar. Fender Starcaster. the picture doesn't do the color any justice. It's such a deep dark blue that it's almost purple. Mirror pick guard (with a little crack at the last knob) and there's a little bit taken out of the bottom, like you can see in the picture. I don't mind though. Learning has been really fun.
I named her Fendi McFenderson. original of me, right? Don't worry, it's just a temp name, even my bass has a real name. So my Guitar will too, once I think of one.
btw, here's a picture of me wearing a beany.
much love <3 style="font-weight: normal;">
I have this HUGE obsession with socks. Some people have shoes issues, some just like cute clothes... but i LOVE thigh high socks. I mean... I have a shoe and cute clothes issue too, but I bargain shop for those. I just spent $6 a pair for 3 pairs of thigh highs. Free shipping though, and no tax... wasn't expecting that.
It's all from this site called Sock Dreams that I've been drooling over for AGES.
I've been wanting some O socks (which I assume the O is for Over-the-knee) and they have the most wonderful colors.got these lovely gold ones, because I need to brighten my happy self up a bit, even if I'm gonna be wearing black.
these are called O Brights. They're the same style as the O socks, but they have some different colors. I'm trying to stray away from basic colors or red and green and trying to get into the unique colors that I really love, like I was talking about in my other entry.
and of course, I nearly shit myself when I saw these... Teal. fucking teal socks. This pair is the actual reason that pushed me to buy them this time. I mean, come on, TEAL!
oh how cute, I just found these... I'd probably have bought them if I saw them earlier... maybe not though. I'm not as rainbow colored in what I wear anymore. Maybe rainbow stripes, but that's about it
in OTHER news, I dyed my bangs blue. I went on a limb and tried the Color Fiend brand, because it was on sale at Hot Topic. I'm not really impressed to be honest. It's uneven, dark in some parts, light in the others. The lighter color is kinda teal though, but I hate uneven hair color.
before and after
I've also decided that if I do end up moving into Brandon's house, I'm gonna get my ass up and work out. I have a bike there, so I can ride a bit every morning. I weighed myself, I'm 149. almost 15 pounds more than I was when school let out. I won't make excuses for myself anymore. I just gotta get out and work on it. My actual size hasn't changed much though. Hips are still 40 inches, waist still 29... I think I'm carrying the new weight on my thighs, upper arms and (fuck-it-all) my face. I can do this though. I haven't given up on myself.
Also got a guitar. Fender Starcaster. the picture doesn't do the color any justice. It's such a deep dark blue that it's almost purple. Mirror pick guard (with a little crack at the last knob) and there's a little bit taken out of the bottom, like you can see in the picture. I don't mind though. Learning has been really fun.
I named her Fendi McFenderson. original of me, right? Don't worry, it's just a temp name, even my bass has a real name. So my Guitar will too, once I think of one.
btw, here's a picture of me wearing a beany.
much love <3 style="font-weight: normal;">
August 21, 2008
moving...
Things have been working out mostly for me and Brandon. We kinda got into it today, but I just found out that his dad may not make it, and he's probably known all day. . . so That's probably the reason.
We watched Juno, and I talked to him about how his actions made me feel and things have basically been okay since. We both had a lot kept secret about how we felt, and now that we've talked about it I guess we just both are happier.
He told me today, that since his dad may not make it and Kim will be going back to her home in Pierceton... well, he'll need someone there with him to help out and help with bills. Said that he either needs me or a roommate. I don't trust his friends. Most of them at least. The ones I've met (who he really doesn't associate with much, but would be the ones most likely to need a place to stay) were all pot heads. I hate druggies fucks. And I won't let an irresponsible dumb ass screw him over.
He may just be really worried right now though, because of his dad getting worse. Things may still be okay. But if he really needs me, I'll be there. Obviously I'm hopelessly in love. I won't have internet until I get a laptop though. That'll be way out of our expenses.
I've always wanted to move out, so I'm kinda excited to... but at the same time my baby is loosing all that's left of his family. He said that his dad has always been there for him, even in the rougher times of his life. It's gonna be horrible for him. my poor baby. I just wanna hold him til the bad all goes away. I wish I knew how I could help.
anyway. I can't think of much else right now. I'll talk more some other time this weekend. I'll hopefully be getting my licenses soon. It'll be important for Brandon that I do.
much love <3
We watched Juno, and I talked to him about how his actions made me feel and things have basically been okay since. We both had a lot kept secret about how we felt, and now that we've talked about it I guess we just both are happier.
He told me today, that since his dad may not make it and Kim will be going back to her home in Pierceton... well, he'll need someone there with him to help out and help with bills. Said that he either needs me or a roommate. I don't trust his friends. Most of them at least. The ones I've met (who he really doesn't associate with much, but would be the ones most likely to need a place to stay) were all pot heads. I hate druggies fucks. And I won't let an irresponsible dumb ass screw him over.
He may just be really worried right now though, because of his dad getting worse. Things may still be okay. But if he really needs me, I'll be there. Obviously I'm hopelessly in love. I won't have internet until I get a laptop though. That'll be way out of our expenses.
I've always wanted to move out, so I'm kinda excited to... but at the same time my baby is loosing all that's left of his family. He said that his dad has always been there for him, even in the rougher times of his life. It's gonna be horrible for him. my poor baby. I just wanna hold him til the bad all goes away. I wish I knew how I could help.
anyway. I can't think of much else right now. I'll talk more some other time this weekend. I'll hopefully be getting my licenses soon. It'll be important for Brandon that I do.
much love <3
August 16, 2008
college....
Next Year I'll be attending IUPUI.
More specifically, Herron, as an undergraduate art student.
If I get into IUPUI.
But as it turns out, if you graduated, and then the fall of the next school year ends, you no longer need SAT or ACT results, because you aren't directly continuing your education.
Wether or not I'll be able to get in to Herron... well, I'm not so sure. But the thought of getting out of here, and NOT going to IPFW sounds fantastic. And knowing someone who's already gone through all the stuff will be helpful.
If I don't get into Herron, there's plenty to go there for. Nothing really sounds interesting, but I'll deal with that when I get there. I just wanna go to college. And not be here. And not go to IPFW. so what other choices do I have? right? :)
anyway. I'm feeling much better right now. except mom just told me I need to get insurance, since I'm no longer covered my dad's plan (but a lot of people from his factory are getting layed off, he may be next) but I'm really not worried. Things are looking up.
Much Love <3
More specifically, Herron, as an undergraduate art student.
If I get into IUPUI.
But as it turns out, if you graduated, and then the fall of the next school year ends, you no longer need SAT or ACT results, because you aren't directly continuing your education.
Wether or not I'll be able to get in to Herron... well, I'm not so sure. But the thought of getting out of here, and NOT going to IPFW sounds fantastic. And knowing someone who's already gone through all the stuff will be helpful.
If I don't get into Herron, there's plenty to go there for. Nothing really sounds interesting, but I'll deal with that when I get there. I just wanna go to college. And not be here. And not go to IPFW. so what other choices do I have? right? :)
anyway. I'm feeling much better right now. except mom just told me I need to get insurance, since I'm no longer covered my dad's plan (but a lot of people from his factory are getting layed off, he may be next) but I'm really not worried. Things are looking up.
Much Love <3
Well, reading about everything going on with michelle has really got me thinking.
I need out. I need to find a good (enough) paying job. Get a cheap-o apartment and get the fuck out. Ft. Wayne will be a good start. I'll try my best to get Brandon to go with me, once he's done his time (which, the court date is less than two months away. It kills me to picture the 6 months following.
My parents won't go for it. I probably won't go to college (big fucking deal. I really don't need a job that requires a college eduction. I'll probably always be able to find SOMETHING to do to make money) So really, in the end I know I'm just gonna end up right where I started... well, not even leave at all.
well, I've been looking on ebay, so the mood that I started this with is mostly lost/I'm trying to make something for michelle.
much <3
I need out. I need to find a good (enough) paying job. Get a cheap-o apartment and get the fuck out. Ft. Wayne will be a good start. I'll try my best to get Brandon to go with me, once he's done his time (which, the court date is less than two months away. It kills me to picture the 6 months following.
My parents won't go for it. I probably won't go to college (big fucking deal. I really don't need a job that requires a college eduction. I'll probably always be able to find SOMETHING to do to make money) So really, in the end I know I'm just gonna end up right where I started... well, not even leave at all.
well, I've been looking on ebay, so the mood that I started this with is mostly lost/I'm trying to make something for michelle.
much <3
August 15, 2008
Our Disorders
I think I should take this moment to explain my relationship with Brandon.
I quite possibly have paranoid personality disorder(link), and tend to be overemotional. Ask any of my friends. Brandon, I believe, has ADHD (possibility of bipolar disorder) and has been diagnosed with a form of depression (but then again, he's considered an alcoholic and has to go to AA, but he rarely drinks, even when he's at bars)....
So things can get pretty bad. he'll go through periods of irritability because of his 'episodes' and I'll get really upset and take it was something else... and well, just in general I'm not trustful of others.
I sometimes have trouble sifting through events, and being able to tell if it's really something I should worry about or if I'm just being paranoid.
We really got into it the other night. He went downstairs to take a shower and his friend texted him asking for a ride home from the bar cuz he was really drunk and Brandon left to go get him and ended up hanging out with him for a couple hours.
problem is, he never told me he was leaving. I basically live there. And when he went downstairs to take a shower he left on his shoes and put his phone in his pocket. I noticed this (which, noticing little things like that that I could use as 'evidence' against someone is a part of the whole disorder) and thought it was a bit odd, but just let the thought pass because I'm trying really hard to trust him. It's not usual for him to wear his shoes when he goes to take a shower, but to be fair we had just gotten back from going somewhere (fort wayne i believe) and I supposed that it could have been just one of those things that happens like that...
but I got super pissed when I went downstairs and hour and a half later to see if he was almost done, because I didn't want to go to bed until he was done. I figured he'd just snuck out to hang out to cheat on me or something. I started to text him asking him where he was, and when he finally responded he said he was taking his friend greg home from the bar. I told him I knew that he'd been gone this whole time (i brushed my teeth about 15 minutes after he left for his 'shower' and didn't hear water running. I tried to think nothing of it. thought maybe he was shaving first)... and he said he was hanging out with greg now, and that he didn't need my permission to go places and blah blah.
his annoyance could have been his adhd... and my lack of belief in his story could just be my paranoia.
He offered to come get me, but I was really mad... now that I look back he probably wasn't saying that in anger. Probably felt bad that he left me. I ended up leaving the house to go on a walk (at 11:30 at night) and the fight continued.
to sum it all up, he explained to me that his past two girlfriends (we've established that he has seen others, but not dated exclusively or really done anything with them.) caused him to be desensitized to things like that. He doesn't realize that he's doing something wrong because it's how he was treated in past relationships. He told me that he used to be like me. Kinda clingy (in a cute way, he said ;) ) and concerned about where his significant other went and who they were with and felt really alone without them and so on. He said he wasn't used to actually having someone act that way towards him, caring so much about him and whats going on in his life. He also said that the last time he ever had to tell anyone where he was going was when he was 18 and had to tell his parents when he left the house.
He's a sweetie. he really is and I know I should probably trust him... thing is, he last two girlfriends, who did all that to him BOTH were cheating on him. So I can't help but want to directly link that behavior with cheating even though I can pretty much be sure that he was really with greg hanging out after driving him home from the bar.
I should get help, shouldn't I? or could I be right?
(at least we always make it through the fights. Even if we sleep in different beds for the night or I have to go home. Never break up because of it. thats a good sign, right?)
I quite possibly have paranoid personality disorder(link), and tend to be overemotional. Ask any of my friends. Brandon, I believe, has ADHD (possibility of bipolar disorder) and has been diagnosed with a form of depression (but then again, he's considered an alcoholic and has to go to AA, but he rarely drinks, even when he's at bars)....
So things can get pretty bad. he'll go through periods of irritability because of his 'episodes' and I'll get really upset and take it was something else... and well, just in general I'm not trustful of others.
I sometimes have trouble sifting through events, and being able to tell if it's really something I should worry about or if I'm just being paranoid.
We really got into it the other night. He went downstairs to take a shower and his friend texted him asking for a ride home from the bar cuz he was really drunk and Brandon left to go get him and ended up hanging out with him for a couple hours.
problem is, he never told me he was leaving. I basically live there. And when he went downstairs to take a shower he left on his shoes and put his phone in his pocket. I noticed this (which, noticing little things like that that I could use as 'evidence' against someone is a part of the whole disorder) and thought it was a bit odd, but just let the thought pass because I'm trying really hard to trust him. It's not usual for him to wear his shoes when he goes to take a shower, but to be fair we had just gotten back from going somewhere (fort wayne i believe) and I supposed that it could have been just one of those things that happens like that...
but I got super pissed when I went downstairs and hour and a half later to see if he was almost done, because I didn't want to go to bed until he was done. I figured he'd just snuck out to hang out to cheat on me or something. I started to text him asking him where he was, and when he finally responded he said he was taking his friend greg home from the bar. I told him I knew that he'd been gone this whole time (i brushed my teeth about 15 minutes after he left for his 'shower' and didn't hear water running. I tried to think nothing of it. thought maybe he was shaving first)... and he said he was hanging out with greg now, and that he didn't need my permission to go places and blah blah.
his annoyance could have been his adhd... and my lack of belief in his story could just be my paranoia.
He offered to come get me, but I was really mad... now that I look back he probably wasn't saying that in anger. Probably felt bad that he left me. I ended up leaving the house to go on a walk (at 11:30 at night) and the fight continued.
to sum it all up, he explained to me that his past two girlfriends (we've established that he has seen others, but not dated exclusively or really done anything with them.) caused him to be desensitized to things like that. He doesn't realize that he's doing something wrong because it's how he was treated in past relationships. He told me that he used to be like me. Kinda clingy (in a cute way, he said ;) ) and concerned about where his significant other went and who they were with and felt really alone without them and so on. He said he wasn't used to actually having someone act that way towards him, caring so much about him and whats going on in his life. He also said that the last time he ever had to tell anyone where he was going was when he was 18 and had to tell his parents when he left the house.
He's a sweetie. he really is and I know I should probably trust him... thing is, he last two girlfriends, who did all that to him BOTH were cheating on him. So I can't help but want to directly link that behavior with cheating even though I can pretty much be sure that he was really with greg hanging out after driving him home from the bar.
I should get help, shouldn't I? or could I be right?
(at least we always make it through the fights. Even if we sleep in different beds for the night or I have to go home. Never break up because of it. thats a good sign, right?)
August 12, 2008
relationshit
I don't understand it. I don't understand him. I never will, will I?
I tell my mom he's going to a concert tonight so she'll have to pick me up from work. I find out he's supposed to be at a meeting and he tells me that they think he has class EVERY Tuesday and Thursday (he only has them SOME) but when I tell him that I already said something to my mom about it he flips out and tells me to stay out of his work.
He told me he was going to Bryan, Ohio (well, no, he told me he was going to a friends house, then later told me he was in Bryan) with his friend Greg... Then I find out that this chick he knows, Beth, lives in Bryan (no, I am NOT a snoop) and chances are he was hanging out with her. Thing is, I know she's married with kids, so I know he wasn't doing shit with HER so why couldn't he admit that he was going to her house? The only reason for the omissive lie would be feelings of guilt. Why would he be feeling guilty about staying at someones house who is married with kids, chick or not? I know that if he'd said "Me and Greg are staying with my friend Beth" I'd have been a little uneasy, but overall I'd have been okay. maybe asked him his plans or something minimally jealous... but to flat out not tell me? Then after saying he was in Bryan STILL not tell me with her? I mean, come the fuck on, he's with GREG AND the chick's got a family. Why the hell would he think that I was going to flip out over it?
but now that I've found out about this (via myspace) I'm just kinda wondering what the hell really went on. The lies make me paranoid. He also has a chick friend in Montpelier ohio, which is pretty nearby... but her page is on private, so I don't know if she's "seeing" someone.... so yeah.
and about not being a snoop...
It's honestly not like I go through and read every single comment in his comment box and go to all his friends pages to check for him... He just never lets me meet his friends. I only know of greg... I could have met him once, but it would have been just me Brandon and him, and you KNOW I'd be the 3rd wheel (and I even told brandon that it was the only reason why I didn't want to)... but the rest of them? he never talks about his friends. When he texts, regardless of WHO he's texting, it's just his friend... he'll even lie and always call it his "gay friend" even if it says "aly" at the top... claiming that the text he got the he FIRST opened was from his gay friend, then he replied to the other one. ...
ANYWAY, I figured that the only way to get to know any of his friends would be to check them out on myspace, which actually calmed a lot of my paranoia about him cheating on me, because most of his friends were taken/engaged/had kids...
but now the lies. . .
I really don't understand his need to not tell me the full truth about things. My friends used to do this to me as well. Do I really blow up every time I hear something that could be considered disagreeable? Are my reactions to things really so scary that people feel the need to hide things?
I'm asking him about it tonight. Casually ask where he stayed in bryan, then if he doesn't say any place in particular (or says "with a friend") I'll ask about beth. I've asked him about her before, but that was when we were text fighting, and he completely ignored me. I just want honestly. If we have to fight AGAIN over it (like we did the other night) then so fucking be it. I just want him to know that I won't stand for hiding anything in our relationship.
Just last night I opened up to him about my childhood, with my mom cheating on my dad, and the horrible fights they go into and just about everything... I put myself out there for him, and I didn't hold anything back. I feel closer to him... but he keeps so much from me that I still feel pushed away.
much confusion,
<3
I tell my mom he's going to a concert tonight so she'll have to pick me up from work. I find out he's supposed to be at a meeting and he tells me that they think he has class EVERY Tuesday and Thursday (he only has them SOME) but when I tell him that I already said something to my mom about it he flips out and tells me to stay out of his work.
He told me he was going to Bryan, Ohio (well, no, he told me he was going to a friends house, then later told me he was in Bryan) with his friend Greg... Then I find out that this chick he knows, Beth, lives in Bryan (no, I am NOT a snoop) and chances are he was hanging out with her. Thing is, I know she's married with kids, so I know he wasn't doing shit with HER so why couldn't he admit that he was going to her house? The only reason for the omissive lie would be feelings of guilt. Why would he be feeling guilty about staying at someones house who is married with kids, chick or not? I know that if he'd said "Me and Greg are staying with my friend Beth" I'd have been a little uneasy, but overall I'd have been okay. maybe asked him his plans or something minimally jealous... but to flat out not tell me? Then after saying he was in Bryan STILL not tell me with her? I mean, come the fuck on, he's with GREG AND the chick's got a family. Why the hell would he think that I was going to flip out over it?
but now that I've found out about this (via myspace) I'm just kinda wondering what the hell really went on. The lies make me paranoid. He also has a chick friend in Montpelier ohio, which is pretty nearby... but her page is on private, so I don't know if she's "seeing" someone.... so yeah.
and about not being a snoop...
It's honestly not like I go through and read every single comment in his comment box and go to all his friends pages to check for him... He just never lets me meet his friends. I only know of greg... I could have met him once, but it would have been just me Brandon and him, and you KNOW I'd be the 3rd wheel (and I even told brandon that it was the only reason why I didn't want to)... but the rest of them? he never talks about his friends. When he texts, regardless of WHO he's texting, it's just his friend... he'll even lie and always call it his "gay friend" even if it says "aly" at the top... claiming that the text he got the he FIRST opened was from his gay friend, then he replied to the other one. ...
ANYWAY, I figured that the only way to get to know any of his friends would be to check them out on myspace, which actually calmed a lot of my paranoia about him cheating on me, because most of his friends were taken/engaged/had kids...
but now the lies. . .
I really don't understand his need to not tell me the full truth about things. My friends used to do this to me as well. Do I really blow up every time I hear something that could be considered disagreeable? Are my reactions to things really so scary that people feel the need to hide things?
I'm asking him about it tonight. Casually ask where he stayed in bryan, then if he doesn't say any place in particular (or says "with a friend") I'll ask about beth. I've asked him about her before, but that was when we were text fighting, and he completely ignored me. I just want honestly. If we have to fight AGAIN over it (like we did the other night) then so fucking be it. I just want him to know that I won't stand for hiding anything in our relationship.
Just last night I opened up to him about my childhood, with my mom cheating on my dad, and the horrible fights they go into and just about everything... I put myself out there for him, and I didn't hold anything back. I feel closer to him... but he keeps so much from me that I still feel pushed away.
much confusion,
<3
August 09, 2008
You've probably noticed a difference in my blogging style here on blogger. Mainly because I'm never home, so instead of forcing my brain to remember, and my fingers to type out the ongoings of several days every time I hit the computer I just type about my thoughts. I've always wanted a blog like that, the kind that people find interesting and read (even though only michelle can read this... and I still act like I'm talking to a large audience. Go figure)
Well, I'm revisiting myself 3 years ago. I'm watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Dear god I used to think this show was absolutly brilliant.
speaking of myself 3 years ago...
thats then I started dying my hair, and it was still super long and super curly. remember? by sophomore year it was down to the small of my back. I also started to cut my own hair... dyed it a couple shades of red back then, didn't I?
then I got ahold of a flat iron and some blue-black dye.... ah. emo.
I'm talking to someone from istanbul, and someone from china.
bad ass.
and they haven't asked for a web cam. they're my heros!
Well, I'm revisiting myself 3 years ago. I'm watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Dear god I used to think this show was absolutly brilliant.
speaking of myself 3 years ago...
thats then I started dying my hair, and it was still super long and super curly. remember? by sophomore year it was down to the small of my back. I also started to cut my own hair... dyed it a couple shades of red back then, didn't I?
then I got ahold of a flat iron and some blue-black dye.... ah. emo.
I'm talking to someone from istanbul, and someone from china.
bad ass.
and they haven't asked for a web cam. they're my heros!
August 08, 2008
colors
I bought a pair of pants while shopping with Kim. They're a gorgeous color, but I don't quite know what to call it. Not really red, or pink, Erica called it maroon, but maroon is a much darker color. It's such a bright beautiful warm color. I want my car, my hair and my whole room to all be this color.
Those are my favorite colors. The ones that are unique, and sometimes hard to describe, like teal and turquoise and the many shades of green. All vibrant and unique. Different for the colors we used to color a rainbow when we were all little, but made with the same box of crayons.
raspberry is what the HT equivalent to the color of my pants, but I don't think it's quite that color. kinda brighter, maybe more vibrant. I can't quite explain what I feel when I think of this color, the emotion it conveys is totally lost too me, but I'm completely captivated.
Teal... one of my favorite colors... oh if only I could express my love for you. Your perfect mix of blues and greens. It's almost calming. I've been wanting to dye my hair teal for the longest time, but I never seem to buy the dye when I have the chance. I bought blue last time, and purple before then, even though I've had my heart set out for teal hair. . .
... burgundy... deep and soft. far sexier than any other shade of red. far more expressive of love and lust. What better color could explain such a deep emotion? I've been trying to find some nice silky burgundy blankets for my bed. The rose color they have now doesn't suite me the way it used to. Rose seems innocent and young to me, burgundy (on my bed especially) seems to convey the depth of my sensual side that I've been growing into.
mmm. I sure do like colors a lot for a goth kid, don't I?
<3
Those are my favorite colors. The ones that are unique, and sometimes hard to describe, like teal and turquoise and the many shades of green. All vibrant and unique. Different for the colors we used to color a rainbow when we were all little, but made with the same box of crayons.
raspberry is what the HT equivalent to the color of my pants, but I don't think it's quite that color. kinda brighter, maybe more vibrant. I can't quite explain what I feel when I think of this color, the emotion it conveys is totally lost too me, but I'm completely captivated.
Teal... one of my favorite colors... oh if only I could express my love for you. Your perfect mix of blues and greens. It's almost calming. I've been wanting to dye my hair teal for the longest time, but I never seem to buy the dye when I have the chance. I bought blue last time, and purple before then, even though I've had my heart set out for teal hair. . .
... burgundy... deep and soft. far sexier than any other shade of red. far more expressive of love and lust. What better color could explain such a deep emotion? I've been trying to find some nice silky burgundy blankets for my bed. The rose color they have now doesn't suite me the way it used to. Rose seems innocent and young to me, burgundy (on my bed especially) seems to convey the depth of my sensual side that I've been growing into. 
mmm. I sure do like colors a lot for a goth kid, don't I?
<3
August 05, 2008
infiniti nano silver steamer/ story of my flatirons
On the other hand, I used a wet 2 dry flat iron once and it was AWEFUL. My hair was poofy and felt like straw. Dampness doesn't work wonders for my hair. Not like that. What if that's what happens?
I currently have this:
now don't get me wrong, this was a nice flat iron. The one I used before this (my first iron) was a very large and bulky conair. I don't even think they make it anymore. 2 inch plates. plain old ceramic. it didn't die or anything, it just didn't straighten my hair as well once it got damaged. I wasn't impressed with the little conair at the time, so I bought this:
The Cricket. it straightened better at the time... but then didn't work as well (they always work the best for the first week or so) so I started to use the little conair again. I've faithfully used that little conair ever since. Until it died on my cedar point trip. I was pretty sudden. Worked great the days before, then suddenly it took over 40 minutes to heat up... then the next time I used it it just didn't get hot enough to even bring my hair to a wave. That's when I got my Remington (i'd used their black ceramic iron before, borrowed from another person, and it was really nice)...
and My Remington is still in great working condition. I'm just one of those people who wants to have the best. Even if it seems like I have the best now, if there's a chance that something else might be better I want to try it. But $100? Had I had $100 during that trip to the mall with my aunt where the Asians bombarded me with their fancy flat irons, I'd have bought it right then and there, but I saw it work with my own eyes. They pulled it through my hair and it was pin straight the rest of the day. Kim did buy it, I think. I've used her iron before. It's great. It's really nice, but it doesn't work quite like the ones they used. I guess if you keep it hot all the time it'll straighten better? or maybe they always use a brand new one?
I'll just try to make friends with someone who has one.
Best wishes to my Remington. May he live a long and well fulfilled life. May no flat iron replace him.
Home
back at the 'rents house. I've come a conclusion about my living situation at the moment. I have two house, but no home.
I'd be a big liar if I ever told you that I felt a sense of comfort and security here, at what I've now decided to call my parents house. It's always been where I've lived, but I've always been moving around, room to room, trying to find my place. I've covered the walls with pictures, posters, and paintings, trying to claim the space to myself, but after a while I always tire of it and take it all down. I've always just assumed that this my natural for me, that I was restless by nature and always needed change in my life.
I've found that to be wrong, however. While I'm at Brandon's house I feel comfortable. Like I'm where I should be, no matter what. I sleep well on the futon, I sleep well in his bed. It feels like my own damn house, after 3 months. Before now even. It's always kinda felt right, ya know?
Unfortunatly I don't live there. He needs time away from me, and my belongings remain here. I don't live there. It can't be my home. I want it to be my home. I hope that some day we learn to work out our problems and have our own separate time in a way that doesn't require me to leave for a day or two. Cuz I don't like it here.
Much Love
I'd be a big liar if I ever told you that I felt a sense of comfort and security here, at what I've now decided to call my parents house. It's always been where I've lived, but I've always been moving around, room to room, trying to find my place. I've covered the walls with pictures, posters, and paintings, trying to claim the space to myself, but after a while I always tire of it and take it all down. I've always just assumed that this my natural for me, that I was restless by nature and always needed change in my life.
I've found that to be wrong, however. While I'm at Brandon's house I feel comfortable. Like I'm where I should be, no matter what. I sleep well on the futon, I sleep well in his bed. It feels like my own damn house, after 3 months. Before now even. It's always kinda felt right, ya know?
Unfortunatly I don't live there. He needs time away from me, and my belongings remain here. I don't live there. It can't be my home. I want it to be my home. I hope that some day we learn to work out our problems and have our own separate time in a way that doesn't require me to leave for a day or two. Cuz I don't like it here.
Much Love
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