I'm officially crazy, I think.

So we all have people we used to have crushes on, right? People we hopelessly liked and hung out with and flirted with even though they didn't really seem interested or told us it wasn't going to happen. I have a few of them. We even have those stragglers in our life. The people we dated and left/were left by but for some reason never cut out even though you don't really talk much. Or maybe you do. Maybe you're still friends. Regardless, they're people who you have had strong feelings for that were more than friendship. Those people.

I have those. Being in a relationship now, I've resigned myself to speak to them less. To recognize that generally no good can from that situation. Someone who used to not like you can have a sudden change of heart when you stop pursuing, and exes can always try to rekindle old flames. Maybe they both get rejected, but those are situations that we can avoid altogether, right? So why don't we? The only guy I ever dated that I can honestly say CAN'T damage, hurt, or any of that. The one straight guy friend that I trust to NOT make a move on me. I still talk to him. Spencer's been a great friend through the last few years.  Maybe I'm being too selfish in this whole thing...

There's girl who Rob told me he used to chase while him and I were apart. He REALLY liked her. She kinda drug him on sometimes, playing with the fact that he liked her, because she knew he did. She didn't want him, but she did it anyway. Nothing happened between them.

Now that we're dating, it'd make sense to drop all these people who he used to chase right? Especially the one he started dating RIGHT before we got back together. The one he left (a 24 hour relationship) to be with me. They still talk. A lot. The girl he used to pursue who I just mentioned, the one who pulled him along? Still talk. Still HANG OUT.

I feel so genuinely sick that... fuck, think of an analogy yourself.

I definitely feel less upset over the girl he dated because he left her to be with me, but she actually had feelings for him. I don't see how staying super close friends with him could possibly be a smart thing? And the other girl is going through a LOT of shit now, apparently. as someone who used to be on the brink of a breakdown (and gone through several breakdowns and so on) I can tell you that you start doing shit to feel wanted. Because you convince yourself that you actually liked that guy, or that you should be with him because you just KNOW it's right so fuck whatever he's got planned for himself. That's excessive paranoia on my part.

 Yeah, it is. But the jealousy beyond that "potential future situation" feels pretty highly justifiable. A girl doesn't lead you on and then let you go live your life when you find something else. She wants to keep trying to lead you on. She wants the attention or she wouldn't have done it in the first place. I've seen girls try to HAVE SEX WITH guys they weren't interested in just to keep their attention from going to another girl who had genuine feelings for them.

And I should chill the fuck out and not be so paranoid and jealous... but when I look at her? She's really pretty. Really thin with a really nice body. She already likes the same shit and dresses the way Rob likes. He doesn't pursue girls who he doesn't find attractive just to have someone (though, he's open to girls who pursue him even if they aren't "right" for him.) She's the kind of girl he likes. And she's 100x's better looking than myself. They obviously get along or he wouldn't still try to talk to her when she is off doing her own shit, and he wouldn't hang out with her when the chance arose.

So, when she decides she wants that, what's actually stopping her? Because he's not. I don't talk to Zach anymore. I don't hang out with him. I only see him at work. I don't talk to or see Michael, Brandon, Jon, Craig, Anthony, Seth or ANY guy who I've dated, been interested in, or had interested in me. Any of them except Spencer as explained above.

Is that so much to ask? Is it TOO much? It may be. I may not being seeing this subjectively. But I can't stop feeling sick with jealousy and insecurity. The problem there lies with me, but why can't more people handle this shit like I do?

XoXo,
S

Real Friends and Convenience Friends.

A friend of mine starts back at college soon. Or should I say someone I used to be friends with. I didn't sign up for classes this semester because I wanted to save up some money and I couldn't handle my bills as it is. My GPA was fine (in the 3 range) I just can't seem to keep up with school without breaking down with anxiety. And I should be starting work in a factory soon.

It still kinda felt like a punch in the stomach to know she's showing her friend around campus and that they're going to Olive Garden after. That's what her and I did 2 years ago when I was new there. Then her and my brother stopped dating, and I got into a really bad relationship and we didn't talk much anymore. I later found out that the reason we didn't talk was because she thought I was being a bitch all the time.

I had really really needed her through that situation. Needed ANYONE that I could break down in front of so I could finally get help and get into a safer place. Instead she didn't reply when i texted, she didn't pick up if I called and completely ignored me on facebook. I didn't even see her on campus because she started to avoid the lounge that we hung out in. I had no idea why.

on new years eve I got out of that bad relationship and moved the hell on. I've hung out with her twice since then, once with just her and once with the whole gang that I used to hang out with. Yeah, I've missed all the fun we used to have but... I just forced me to realize that they weren't really my friends. Where were ANY of them when I needed them and when it stopped being convenient and stopped being us hanging out with booze? They were all out telling me they were to busy to hang out and then posting onto facebook about all the fun they were having because they decided they weren't so busy after all, because someone else wanted to hang out.

I've had the shittiest friends over the years. I'm HAPPILY awaiting my first BFF from grade school to be coming back to Fort Wayne from Indy. We disliked each other sometimes. We fought a lot. I don't think we hung out once in high school, but it someone who doesn't give a fuck about how crappy I've been acting because they KNEW why and wanted to be there to cheer me up.

Actually, I remember once when we were on the bus, and she was SO determined to make me smile before we got to school because I was having a bad morning. She actually tried. I've missed having that around.

XoXo,
S

Chances and Trying

I feel tired. Scraped thin and worn out. This is my favorite and least favorite feeling. I'm literally at a manic state I just haven't found the direction to go in. I could easily fall into a depression. A terrible one, with fits of anxiety and have those really weak moments that I have never admitted to, where I wish I would break down enough to self harm (though, I don't. I haven't in a while, and I won't.) The thought terrifies me. But I could also be happy. I could explode with creativity and vanity and be fucking BRILLIANT. Right now I just feel awake and tired at the same time and kinda want to go to sleep but I feel like I should be doing something.

SO I'm guiding myself. Trying to control the insanity that is my mood. I've never really tried to before. I've wished for the pain to stop or wanted to stop being so excitable (because other's don't seem to respond well to me like that?) but I've never thought of fully trying to control it before it happens.

I'm writing. I'm on tvtropes making sure this scene goes right. I'm contemplating fashion, hair, make-up, and other things that make me happy. For all I know I'll fall asleep by 2 and wake up as if I never felt like this right now. Despite my efforts I could wake up depressed. But, there's also that chance that I'll wake up feeling on top of the world. I want that chance.

There's not actually a chance if you never try.

XoXo,
S

Word Count and such

So I added another thousand words to my story. Did I mention that I was writing that? No? well I am. Continuing a story from 2009 that I found on my laptop. I'm excited. I'm having ideas and crap. It's pretty new territory (recently).

Since it just came up and it's all the rage I think I'll talk about Chik-fil-a.

1) It's well within the rights of the company's owner to express his opinion.
2) It's well within the rights of the consumer to boycott them for their company's owner's opinion.
3)The company can use it's money however they see fit.
4) Anyone who financially supports something the PREVENTS any form of equality is unamerican. Period. While freedom of speech is our right, the foundation of our country is freedom and equality for EVERYONE. Not just for those we believe are equal to us. Like so many people have said, the people protesting gay marriage and gay equality will look like idiots in 40 years just like the people not wanting black people in school with the white kids. THAT is why it's not hypocritical for a "liberal" to protest chik-fil-a while simultaneously wanted the "conservatives" to NOT protest their pridefests and such.

ONE group is fighting to give someone their equality, one is fighting to keep it away from them.

Be as racist, homophobic or sexist as you want. It's your right. But don't you dare try to make someone else's life less because of YOUR opinion. THAT is what America is.

XoXo,
S

Oh, and 5) Don't assume that people who work for a corporation believe in or even KNOW what kind of shit their company does with their profits. Someone thought the fast food restaurant that I work for  didn't support gay marriage. Man, let me tell you, almost everyone in that store when you were applauding us for it BELIEVES IN GAY MARRIAGE. Sorry to burst your bubble. I don't know where you heard that bit of information from, but you're talking to the wrong people anyway. We just work there.

lack of internet, bills, and happy crap

I just did a run down of my last few posts to see what I haven't caught my blog up on. A lot. I haven't been posting. My internet isn't working for some reason and normally I'd just sit there and feel sad but I actually got on the phone and tried getting it fixed, but after 3 days and a lot of waiting I still got nothing. next time I call I'm probably just going to tell them to drag their happy asses out here to fix it, because obviously they can't do it from their desk otherwise it'd be fixed (there are only so many things you can do from there, right? And I'd assume that after saying it's been weeks, and having multiple calls in they'd decide to just try all those things, right? So the last resort would be to have them come out and do it, right? right? I don't want to raise my voice in frustration. I understand they're trying to help me out. I know the techs aren't responsible for everything that goes wrong with the internet, and that they're there to fix it. but still. 2 weeks? Fix it already.

Ha, funny I should say that since they just called me. And they were out there to fix it and they did some work outside the house and if it isn't working when I come home from work tonight they'll head out some day when I'm home to work on it inside. Thanks guys :')

I'm posting from my boyfriends laptop which makes me a little uncomfortable. The site will be in his browsing history and all that. I don't want to feel like I'm trying to hide something but I also keep this pseudo-privately, ya know?

I broke up with Jon. I'm with Rob again. That's the only aspect of my life that feels consistently good right now. Me being with Rob at least. I feel bad about Jon. I hope he's okay. The rest of my life feels like someone shattered me onto the sidewalk. Like an overpriced smart phone that they can't afford to replace.

It's not all bad. Mostly my money problems. I just paid the $150 bill for my phone from a month ago. Got $81 more to go for the bill that came after that and I'll be caught up (even if it's only temporarily). Then I have a $150 bill to knock out from the doctor, a $50 payment for a different doctor bill, and $60ish for the internet bill that I just got. Plus keeping gag in the tank and food in the fridge. I'm so glad i have a boyfriend who has a job (even if he isn't taking home an insane amount of cash) who can help me with paying for food. So fucking  grateful. I'm going to glomp him when I see him tonight. I've started to turn him Brony. He's fighting it, but I was playing Animal Crossing while Ponies played on my laptop and I had to call for him 3 times to get him to look at what I was trying to show him. :) heck yes.

He's added inspiration to my life. I hope I keep this one because he makes me happy. Not because I'm afraid of being alone, or because I think I can't do better or because I think we help each other. I just genuinely want to keep him in my life because I was so happy and so free when I was with him before, and I feel it again now. With half of my head shaved, wearing lots of black, and doing little artsy crap. It's awesome.

Going to try to push the positive back in. :)

XoXo,
S