fuuuuuck

For once, it'd be nice for someone to make an attempt to care or see things from my point of view, or BELIEVE me when I'm in a bad situation.

It's so much easier for someone to lie about a situation when they were being unreasonable, because everyone would want to believe the logical story they make up.

I don't believe in MAKING drama, but I also don't believe in ignoring it. Every time someone tells a lie about ME or about a situation I'm involved in, I want to punch someone. Especially when people are dumb enough to take their word for it over mine..

Thanks brother, I thought you'd be more level headed and caring. Or, I don't know, just take my word for something like you always have up until now? I'm not asking for anyone to get involved in drama, just to be a little more considerate instead of telling me that I clearly must be remembering things wrong. If I'm being treated like shit I don't expect you to jump in and make it all better, but it'd be nice if you didn't brush it off as if I'm making it all up. You haven't been here the last 9 weeks. I have. I think I know Anthony better than you do. If 4 of us who were here for all of this say he's being a douche, and only HIM and one other person (who is in no way involved in this, and only knows any ongoings based on what ANT TELLS HIM) say that he hasn't been doing anything wrong... maybe you should believe the 4 of us. JUST MAYBE.

Whatever. All the possession are nice and everything, but if I had to choose between having the brother that was there for me or having the brother that helped me buy things, I'd pick the one that was there for me any day.


Also, fuck straight talk and the fucking piece of shit service and worthless website. Canceling the auto refill should be something I can do ON THE WEBSITE considering customer service is worthless. If I fucking lose $45 because I can't cancel this I'm going to be PISSED. I can't even sell this phone to someone without feeling guilt, because this is the worst fucking phone company I've ever had to deal with.

XoXo
S

come together

I sometimes wonder if some people are delusional or just plain liars. Drama drama drama.

I woke up at 4 this morning. Went out to my Aunty's house and we went up to Shipshewana to go spend our money. I was tiiiiired, but I love spending time with her. We always have the best talks about life and about everything that happens in my messed up little family. Makes me feel a lot better about some things.

I got myself a new purse :D and 3 pairs of giant sunglasses (for $10!? OH YEAH) 2 Buffy comics, and some triangular tapers for my ears. Twas awesome. Got a lot of walking done. And got dehydrated and sunburnt, and felt nauseated the whole way back... But the talking was worth it, and I felt much better after I got some caffeine, fluids and a nice shower.

Anyway. I'm not looking forward to working tomorrow. Or Friday. totally looking forward to college, as long as everything comes together in time.

XoXo
S

:D :D :D :D :O :D

So.... I may not have an iPhone, but I DO in fact, have the Droid Eris. Yeah, I love the iPhone, but I LOVE THIS PHONE. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE.

The only thing it doesn't have is the (free) glowstick app that the iPhone had :( I'll live, I think :)

but yeah. IPFW found my blog and fixed my locked account and I'm signed up for SOAR now. Besides feeling slightly like big brother is watching (>.>) I'm really happy for the wonders of the internet.

Actually... I had two people from Fort Wayne recognize me from my photo that I took at Pride Fest. Crazy, isn't it? Maybe that somehow ties into this... idk. But I'm glad it did. Saved me a trip to fort wayne that I really don't have time to take.

I'm really really excited now. IDK, I think I was just really stressed about my brother coming back yesterday... so EVERYTHING just seemed SO DRAMATIC. Now that I have my new phone (that... I really can't afford but it have it and the plan is started and I has my phone.) And I got college worked out. Yeah. If my keyboards keys would stop sticking I'd feel 100% amazing right now :O

WoW time methinks.

XoXo
S

-_-

I really don't know why college has to be such a ridiculous stress before you even get there. My account is locked. Why? Who the fuck knows. Is there a number to call or something I can do online to fix it? Of fucking course not. I have to drive up to IPFW, get my account fixed, come home and hope it works so I can schedule my SOAR date (which, the last two available ones are next week) which, btw, I can't schedule WHILE I'M THERE FOR SOME FUCKING REASON. No, I have to do it on their janky ass piece of shit website.

But it doesn't matter. Dad did NOTHING to the house while Jacob was gone. NOTHING. Jacob doesn't want to move into apartments in Fort Wayne for whatever damn reason... My car can't make that drive, and I can't work here and go to school there, nor can I make extra trips to Fort Wayne for a job up there just because I go to school there 2-3 days a week. So, if I'm still in this apartment in a month when school starts, I don't get to go and all this effort was wasted. Best part, I'll be signed up for classes by then, and have my loans taken out... so I'm getting fucked and will be out over $1000 just because I couldn't go.

I'm seriously near tears because nothing wants to work out, and no one wants to help me make it happen. All we have to do if find a cheap little apartment in the Fort. That's it. Fixing my car won't help, because I can't afford the gas for the drive in the first place. We'd have to be there a year tops, and THEN dad will have had MORE THAN ENOUGH time to fix up the house in Waynedale and all would be good. Of course, why would we bother doing that, right? I've been out of school for two years, not like I'm not disheartened enough by how difficult getting my stuff around is. No, me not being able to go this year will definitely not effect my desire to go at all

Fuck this. I don't even get an iPhone, because we have to go Verizon. I get a fucking Droid. (Yeah, with all this bullshit that's been going down, the bright side has always been "at least I can get an iPhone when Jacob gets back." and no, I don't get one. Everything is just a letdown lately.)

XoXo
S

Brothers gonna be back tomorrow and...

I'm really excited about this. But, because I'm not bouncing around and pissing myself with joy people think I don't care.

Fact: I have a LOT to worry about right now. Placement tests are tomorrow. Bills are due tomorrow. I don't have money to make rent. I've VERY happy to have my brother back, and he's going to make a lot of my stress go away, because he'll be able to help me financially, and I'll have someone to vent to, and we'll be making lots of living changes that I'm in dire need of... But right now, I'm really focused on the things that need to get done. And, there's a lot of them.

My brother is my damn corner stone, I couldn't make it without him, but fuck, I do have a bit of a life outside of him (recently, at least.)

I almost feel bad because I'm clearly supposed to be a LOT more ecstatic about this whole thing, but I just don't. I'll probably cry from happiness tomorrow when I DO see him for the first time in like, 3 months... But right now, no.

XoXo
S

things I love, and fandom.

I've been on a slight WoW bing these last few days. Not that I mind. It keeps me happy. So does coloring. And multi-colored pens, and huge boxes filled with sharpies, and boxes of crayons and colored pencils. And rhinestones. And duct tape. Yes.

Lest not forget glitter.



Yeah, I don't want to talk about my problems, because they aren't nagging at me, even though they really upset me. So I'll keep thinking about the awesome things.

Gotta get the apartment cleaned up for my brother. And gotta get ready for my placement tests. I'm so nervous. I've done nothing mathematic for a while.

It think I'll write some Toad/OC x-men fanfics (oneshots) before bed. There aren't NEARLY enough good fanfictions for the Toad lovers out there :( And the good stories never good finished or end too soon.

yeah. I think I'll do that. And I'll write it in purple pen, and post it to fanfiction.net and deviantart.

XoXo,
S

Excited For...

I'm so excited about starting school in the fall, turning in job apps at the mall, my BROTHER BEING BACK FROM BASIC, having a party monster-ific party with my friends, having an INSANE 21st birthday party... and excited about not being in a bad mood.

OH, and really excited about Pride Fest Saturday. :D

I can't wait to have homework. and LEARN and be forced to be around a shit load of people I don't know. Having a reason to put on regular clothes every day because I'm doing more than working. And the (not so high) hopes of getting a job that I can wear said clothes to. Having TWO JOBS and GOING TO SCHOOL (part time) and, possibly going to beauty college along with all of this if the money is there. Maybe getting an iPhone with my brother. Getting my car fixed and the oil changed.

I'm feeling good. Really good.

XoXo,
S

(tomorrow is the 7th day working in a row, and marks 12 days that only contained one day off. I'm holding in there because Pride Fest this weekend will make it all worth while.)

good day

Today after work...

I got myself gas in my car, cashed my check and finally scheduled my placement tests, went up to the Fort with Cody, Carrie and Corine... We went and got me some rhinestones from JoAnn's for the Glitter Party. Then chilled at the Mall and got some Auntie Anne's and I got some stuff from hot topic (I feel so laaaame.) We went and saw Despicable Me (cute movie, it really was, but it was also a wee bit lacking. I still liked it though.) and then got some IHOP.

I made beautifully gruesome pancake and french toast art. I tried to take a picture of it, with it's bleeding hearts and spattered blood... but my phone was almost dead so it wouldn't let me :'( I feel empty.

No, not really, I feel really good. Shit is piecing together. I hate how I only go from lows to highs to lows and so on. Middle ground every now and then is always good. Except, I suppose this could be considered middle ground. Hm.

Pride fest is this weekend and I think I've convinced two people to go with me (a group of 3 straight people at Pride fest, lovely) and I have rainbow rhinestones to put on my face. woot.

Much love,
XoXo
S

Anxiety Problems?

Crazy as it sounds, I'm just recently realizing that I have pretty bad anxiety problems. I mean, I couldn't log into my ipfw account, and my stomach has been in knots, I'm having trouble breathing, I feel jittery an panicy and have been near tears EVEN NOW, all this time afterwards that I've had to cool down from being angry, I could still burst into tears over it, I'm still kinda freaking out about it.

I don't have anxiety attacks or anything, but fuck, now that I think about it, this has been going on for YEARS. I don't think I've ever done anything irrational in my life except when I was freaking out from anxiety. They make drugs for this shit. Why am I suffering through it when I could fix it? I'd love to not have random freak outs over little things (or, better yet, NOTHING AT ALL.)

Deep breaths... Caaaalm thoughts. I can't get rid of the knots in my stomach, but I can calm down. I really need to mellow this problem out.

XoXo
S

Difficulties.

I've been trying to log into my IPFW account for a good 20 minutes now. No matter how many times I change my password it never fucking works and I'm getting so frustrated I could cry. I just wanted to schedule my damn placement tests. It's REALLY not that much to ask for a college to make getting started EASY. I already get to face HARD classes, a HARD schedule, work full time to pay bills and having a HARD TIME trying to pay for classes, they can at least make GETTING STARTED EASY. Why the fuck does it NEVER work for me when I want to log in? I fucking almost want to not go just because EVERY LITTLE THING with them has to be so fucking difficult. FAFSA is impossible, too. Why does the government make it so fucking hard for students to get money for college? Do they WANT us to be a bunch of uneducated dumb asses?

And, WoW won't work on my laptop anymore. Also pissing me off. I can log in, I wasn't hacked, it just refuses to connect to the new servers, and every time I try to re-install the game it says the same fucking thing. I don't even want to play, I just wanted to fucking log in, maybe chat with some of my guild friends. but no.

I have so much shit I have to get done it's not even funny, and I just want to punch someone or cry because NOTHING is going smoothly. Why the FUCK does everything need to be so difficult all the fucking time?





I'm just pissed, I'll cool down (hopefully before I try to go to bed, idk.)
XoXo
S

stuck

My brother comes back in about 9 days.

I'm trying to find a new job in Fort Wayne.

I'm getting tired of Decatur, and tired of everything around me, but I don't know how to change it all, or even where to start.

I feel kinda stuck. I hate it.

XoXo
S

Lady Gaga Monster Ball 2010

This is one happy little monster <3

Pictures are backwards order, because that's how uploading works...

NYC

New York City.

I want it so badly. SO BADLY.

I could have it, for a few months. Share a 6 bedroom apartment with about 10 people (5 guys, 5 girls) only $350 a month (I could do that without getting a job, and move back.)

Why do I torment myself with this stuff? I mean, I WANT New York so badly. I can't have it (not yet at least) but I'd do anything to be there. I need someone who wants to move up there with me. ANYONE. I'd even be willing to live in the living room of a 1 bedroom.

It kills me to keep looking at the pictures >_<

XoXo
S

Friends and Futures

I've been listening to the Violent Femmes tonight. I actually really like them. Who'd have thought?

But really. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. About friends, and my future.

The only conclusion I've come to is that if people honestly can't accept me at my worst (ha, as if this is anywhere near my worst) then they don't deserve me at my best... buuut, if I cut out everyone that can't take me at my worst I'm going to be one lonely fucking person. It blows my mind that people can be shitty to their friends and keep them, but I can't be shy without being called a bitch.

As for my future. Fuck this place, and fuck Indianapolis. I WANT to live in New York, and I'm GOING to move to New York. I'm going to start college, but like hell if I'm going to finish. I'll make my own way. Lets face it, no job really interests me, so wouldn't it be more ideal for me to take on lots of little random jobs to make ends meet? Isn't being a starving artist what I've always wanted? Exactly. And where can you possibly go that you could get more acceptance than New York? I'm bound to find at LEAST a small group of friends.

I'm working on a letter to Michael Alig. I don't even know what to say to him, but I want to see if he writes back. Hopefully, if he gets out soon, he'll keep New York as his home and I'll run into him someday. It'd be kinda awesome.

fuck you all,
S