Sorting

You're changing, and I see that. I hope the best for you in your recovery because you deserve to finally be through all of this...

But I've gone through way too much for me to feel safe in your arms. I want to more than anything, but I know we really are just too different. I really am selfish, and so are you. Neither of us should have to change to make the other happy. There are very few people who I'm willing to put before myself, who's happiness means more to me than my own. We haven't been through enough good times to make up for the bad ones. I still feel like I just have to give and give and give because we want different things from one another. I want untouched freedom, you want an undying partnership. There's no way one of us can have what we want without hurting the other.

Hopefully sort this out soon so we can move on into a happier life.

XoXo,
S

What I want for Christmas.

I just want this feeling to stop already.
I want to be in control again.
I want to feel happy
and free

I want all of the tattoos I used to dream about getting.
My  second lip piercing to be redone.
All the crazy little ear piercings I wanted
My right ear to be gauged huge like I always wanted.
To wear my ugly green leopard print TUKs
To eat fast food without so much fucking guilt tripping,
and to not go hungry if I don't.

Painted toenails, in a color I CHOOSE.
To have bangs without arguing
Dying my hair whatever fucking color I want.
Wearing ugly as fuck clothes, because I CAN.
Having whatever junk I want in my car,
and not having someone else's trash in there too.

My own bed, my own room, my own TV shows, my own music,
My ONE pair of skinny jeans, my torn jeans, my faded and ruined jeans,
My leggings, my 'manly' purse, my wool jacket with a band logo pinned to the back,
My mini skirts, my thigh high stockings, my corsets, garters and heels

To not have to consult someone to go to IHOP after work at 2am
And go to my friends parties, or visit them out of town,
or just to hang out with someone and do nothing without an escort.

All I want for fucking Christmas is for this relationship to end because its KILLING me.
Just let me fucking go already.
next time I try to walk out the door, let me go. I can't exist like this.

Celebrity

I'm happy the Britney Spears is getting married and I'm happy that Snooki lost all that weight. They're human, and they're happy and accomplishing things, so how about we stop criticizing them and be happy that they're happy?

downshift

I need to stop reading Post Secrets. It just makes me really depressed. Or, it makes me realize all of the things I pretend to not realize, or brings up the negativity I was trying to forget.

There's so much negativity where I work. I don't think everyone realizes that the job hasn't actually changed in 5 years. I've been there the whole time, I know it hasn't. The only thing that has is them. I can't take all the hate. There are some great people there, and all anyone does is complain about how much they don't like everyone else. I've hated plenty of co-workers in my life. The best way to resolve it is to smile and be nice. If you're terrible to them you'll get a bad reaction and then everyone's night is ruined from having to deal with two people in a bad mood.

When life gets me down and I have to work, I just don't say anything. It's not the best way to deal with problems in life but it's the best way to deal with them in the work place. Focus on your job and you'll actually have a chance to exist without your problems. When my home life is in the trash, work is my happy place. My home life IS in the trash, so everyone needs to stop letting their lives ruin the only place I have to go to where I can be happy.

There's too much hate in the world.

3rd world countries and ungrateful douches

This started out as a comment on a complaints post... but it's been going through my head like crazy.

By denying yourself 1st world pleasures you're insulting 3rd world countries. Think about it. Yeah, they can't go to a doctor when they get a fever. Yes, they've lost loved ones who were dying of worse disease than whatever you may have... but that's no reason to not go to a doctor when you need it. If anything it's all the more reason to go. There are kids who don't have parents because they died from a curable disease because they couldn't get treated, and here we all are acting as if we're saintly because we refuse medical treatment in their honor? No. Just no.

If I lost someone close to me because they couldn't afford to go to a doctor and I heard some dick-cunt from a 1st world country tell someone not to go to a doctor because I'm suffering, I'd want to punch them in their genitals for being so ungrateful. Letting someone or yourself suffer isn't going to make the life of a poor 3rd world country child any better. If anything it shows how much you're willing to take what you have for granted. Want to feel better about other kids suffering? Help them. Don't hurt yourself, don't let your loved ones be hurt. Fucking help the kids who need it, or stop using them to make yourself feel better about the harm you're allowing to exist.

You aren't good people. You're ass holes, and instead of trying to put others in their place by guilt tripping them, you need to be put in yours.

XoXo,
S

continuous efforts

The days keep on moving while I sit here silently.

I feel as though if I stopped trying I'd cease to exist, and a part of me really wants to give up.

I'm afraid of the future, and my past, and the present, so instead of moving I'll just sit here and watch.

Everything has been a blur. Boredom. Exhaustion. Self-loathing. All melted together and brushed over the days on my calendar. I don't know what to do. I don't know where it started, and I can't tell where its going to end.

Thanks for the hope, the smiles, the strange conversations and making me feel human again. I'm afraid I'll have to let go soon, but holding on is the only thing that keeps me from disappearing.

So I'm sorry.

Crocheting

I've only been crocheting for about 2 or 3 weeks now, and I already have a pet peeve or two.

1) calling it knitting. I'm a retard, and even I know there's a difference between the two. Not even just the needles and hooks.

2) pointing to something clearly knitted and saying "can you crochet me that"


No. No I can't. I've explained a million times the difference between the appearance and density of knits vs. crochets. if it looks like thousands of tiny V shapes, has a very solid (no hole) appearance but lots of stretch, and it fairly thin and flimsy... it's a knit. I would have to single crochet the entire thing with small yarn and a tiny needle, it was take AGES and it still wouldn't be the same. If you want something dense, lacey, or with decorative open sections, I'm you're girl. If you want a long scarf that's solid, go buy one. Crocheting my brother's girlfriend's scarf (about 6 ft long) has taken about 3 hours a day for over a week. I'm not even done yet, I'm just out of yarn. I need to double it's width still. It's cheaper and faster to buy it. Decorative lacey scarf? Yeah, I'll do that. Solid long scarf? go fuck yourself.

I still need to find a proper beard and mustache pattern. ;_; or Christmas won't come this year and children will cry.