The fact that a connection was made almost made me cry, because I listened to The Bed Song for the first time a few days before writing it and it made me cry for a good a few minutes. I was driving so that's kind of a record for crying over a song. And I guess that's inevitably why I wrote the post.
Anywho. I'm writing this to remember I need to buy a teasing comb and thicker more wide-toothed comb than my rat-tail combs. I'm determined to get my damn mohawk up. Fuck you, mohawk. You're my gateway drug to freedom and you damn well better allow me my freedom.
My hospital bill A will be paid off this Friday when the collection agency takes out the final payment from my bank account. I'm already payed December and January's payment on hospital bill B. That (if I'm doing my math correctly) leaves ONE payment of $50 and it'll be gone forever. It took me a year. But it'll be gone and all that'll be left is an inch long scar on my right index fingertip that can't feel texture very well anymore and an added bit of anxiety around dogs. I almost wrote dongs. That's hilarious.
Then, the FedLoan people erased my current debt. I'm no longer 2 months behind on my payments, and I won't have to make payments until February, by which time I'll find out if my request to lower my monthly payment was accepted. Anything less than $120/month would be lovely.
I'm starting to succeed at adulthood. And I've been a vegetarian for what, 2 weeks now? 3? I think it's only 2 but I've been doing decently. I even cut back on my pop intake. I had like 3 tonight, but it's the first I've drank in 3 or 4 days. I drank tea and water. Fuck hormone injected meats.
December 19, 2012
December 15, 2012
My opinions are offensive, and that's fine.
I've been feeling kinda sad, ya know? But I feel like being a social justice blogger. I was thinking about the suicide of a coworker. I have been for a good week now. But I've said all I can about it.
I just want to say, as far as Jenna Marbles "slut shaming" video goes.
We all have a definition of slut, whether we call them one or not. We all know that girl who will, without a doubt, try to sleep with just about any guy who smiles at them that isn't terrible to look at. Some don't even care if they're terrible to look at. Or if they smile or just roll their eyes. We all know at least one girl who feels accomplished for sleeping with that guy who's been in a relationship for a few years. The married man. The man who makes fun of her. The one who likes to get drunk and have sex* with strangers and possibly is in some really risky situations because of it. The ones who repeatedly partake in those behaviors despite being in what was agreed to be a monogamous relationship.
Those are sluts. It's their choice. They can do what they want. I'm not looking down on them for doing what they want, and what they do with their body isn't any of my business (despite getting gory details without asking). But that is a slut. Not a woman who partakes in casual sex. Not the one who's slept with an uncountable amount of guys. The one who partakes in risky business, disregards the emotions of those involved (when in a monogamous relationship) and makes it a point to have sex with whomever possible. Slut is a 4 letter word, but when Jenna is saying slut, she's just using the only word she knows of to describe said behavior.
Not every person who partakes in casual sex, cheats in a relationship, or engages in risky sexual behavior falls into the category of what she's saying. I can think of ONE girl who I feel is genuinely a slut. Or was, at least. I've know plenty who hook up, who get drunk and have sex, who've had one night stands and fuck buddies, and who've cheated on their significant other. None of them were sluts. Slut, despite negative meaning, is being used to describe those few people you meet in life who use sex as a form of self worth. If that's their cup of tea, great for them. She just doesn't get it, or get the shit they say (neither do I, sometimes).
Maybe these people will never decide that being in a relationship and only having sex with one person is great. There's a good chance they aren't the "sluts" she's talking about.
Slut shaming is a really serious topic. Slut shaming rarely has to do with women who are actually "sluts" and much more to do with shaming women for the simple act of having sex, whether it's with one person (but out of marriage, or without intent to have children), or dozens. Slut shaming is about telling a girl how many people they've probably had sex with based off of the clothes they wear, or their make-up. It's about the implication that a woman having sex is bad and wrong without having the same implications for men. That women having sex are immoral.
What this video ISN'T saying is that it's immoral. Just risky. Just questionable. Just for those few women who do, in fact, express their self worth by how many people the can sleep with. They are the minority of people called sluts. But those are who the video is about. If you can think of a less offensive word that describes this, then get it out there. If you say "woman" then I'll e-punch you in the face for not GETTING it. We use words to categorize people, their clothes, their beliefs and their behaviors. If you were to call me punk or goth (or fuck, even emo) I'd just nod my head and say "kinda, yeah." I'm an Agnostic Atheist. I'm white. "female" and "woman" are just two words to categorize you as 1) having a vagina or 2) feeling mentally to be that of a "woman" regardless of your physical sex.
We put people into categories to simplify our speech. It prevents us for having to describe that list of qualities every time we bring it up ("I sure do love those boys who wear lots of black, with the mohawks and dyed black hair and tattoos and spiky jewelry who listen to that one really rebellious genre of music." oh, you mean punk boys?) If I'm talking about people who believe in God and that Jesus came to save them from their sins, I'd just save my breath and say "Christian." If I'm talking about girls who endlessly partake in risky sexual behavior as stated multiple times above, I won't say slut because people will get really upset and I'm aware of this. What the hell do you want me to say when talking about things I don't understand with this tiny margin of sexually active people? What did you want her to say?
Maybe she just shouldn't have made the video. Sure. But she did, and we need to be honest with ourselves, the thing we find the most offensive isn't what she's actually saying, it's just the fact that she said "slut" and we don't like that word. That's fine, but don't put words into her mouth because of it. Don't read between lines that aren't there. Just say that the word slut is offensive and move on.
*why is it if 2 people get drunk and have sex it's rape, but only for the woman? Drunk people can't consent? So if they're both drunk then neither of them can consent then they both raped each other. If a drunk person isn't capable of so much as consenting to sex, how they can't be held responsible for determining whether or not the other person is also drunk, or more drunk? Drunk people can consent to sex. It's when a drunk person says "no" or has been drugged that it becomes rape. Regret afterwards has nothing to do with it. If one person is sober, then yes, it CAN be rape. It's in really bad judgement to have sex with a drunk person when you're sober. And it's in really bad taste. But when I'm drunk, I want sex. Whether or not I regret it in the morning doesn't determine if it was sex or rape.
XoXo,
S
I just want to say, as far as Jenna Marbles "slut shaming" video goes.
We all have a definition of slut, whether we call them one or not. We all know that girl who will, without a doubt, try to sleep with just about any guy who smiles at them that isn't terrible to look at. Some don't even care if they're terrible to look at. Or if they smile or just roll their eyes. We all know at least one girl who feels accomplished for sleeping with that guy who's been in a relationship for a few years. The married man. The man who makes fun of her. The one who likes to get drunk and have sex* with strangers and possibly is in some really risky situations because of it. The ones who repeatedly partake in those behaviors despite being in what was agreed to be a monogamous relationship.
Those are sluts. It's their choice. They can do what they want. I'm not looking down on them for doing what they want, and what they do with their body isn't any of my business (despite getting gory details without asking). But that is a slut. Not a woman who partakes in casual sex. Not the one who's slept with an uncountable amount of guys. The one who partakes in risky business, disregards the emotions of those involved (when in a monogamous relationship) and makes it a point to have sex with whomever possible. Slut is a 4 letter word, but when Jenna is saying slut, she's just using the only word she knows of to describe said behavior.
Not every person who partakes in casual sex, cheats in a relationship, or engages in risky sexual behavior falls into the category of what she's saying. I can think of ONE girl who I feel is genuinely a slut. Or was, at least. I've know plenty who hook up, who get drunk and have sex, who've had one night stands and fuck buddies, and who've cheated on their significant other. None of them were sluts. Slut, despite negative meaning, is being used to describe those few people you meet in life who use sex as a form of self worth. If that's their cup of tea, great for them. She just doesn't get it, or get the shit they say (neither do I, sometimes).
Maybe these people will never decide that being in a relationship and only having sex with one person is great. There's a good chance they aren't the "sluts" she's talking about.
Slut shaming is a really serious topic. Slut shaming rarely has to do with women who are actually "sluts" and much more to do with shaming women for the simple act of having sex, whether it's with one person (but out of marriage, or without intent to have children), or dozens. Slut shaming is about telling a girl how many people they've probably had sex with based off of the clothes they wear, or their make-up. It's about the implication that a woman having sex is bad and wrong without having the same implications for men. That women having sex are immoral.
What this video ISN'T saying is that it's immoral. Just risky. Just questionable. Just for those few women who do, in fact, express their self worth by how many people the can sleep with. They are the minority of people called sluts. But those are who the video is about. If you can think of a less offensive word that describes this, then get it out there. If you say "woman" then I'll e-punch you in the face for not GETTING it. We use words to categorize people, their clothes, their beliefs and their behaviors. If you were to call me punk or goth (or fuck, even emo) I'd just nod my head and say "kinda, yeah." I'm an Agnostic Atheist. I'm white. "female" and "woman" are just two words to categorize you as 1) having a vagina or 2) feeling mentally to be that of a "woman" regardless of your physical sex.
We put people into categories to simplify our speech. It prevents us for having to describe that list of qualities every time we bring it up ("I sure do love those boys who wear lots of black, with the mohawks and dyed black hair and tattoos and spiky jewelry who listen to that one really rebellious genre of music." oh, you mean punk boys?) If I'm talking about people who believe in God and that Jesus came to save them from their sins, I'd just save my breath and say "Christian." If I'm talking about girls who endlessly partake in risky sexual behavior as stated multiple times above, I won't say slut because people will get really upset and I'm aware of this. What the hell do you want me to say when talking about things I don't understand with this tiny margin of sexually active people? What did you want her to say?
Maybe she just shouldn't have made the video. Sure. But she did, and we need to be honest with ourselves, the thing we find the most offensive isn't what she's actually saying, it's just the fact that she said "slut" and we don't like that word. That's fine, but don't put words into her mouth because of it. Don't read between lines that aren't there. Just say that the word slut is offensive and move on.
*why is it if 2 people get drunk and have sex it's rape, but only for the woman? Drunk people can't consent? So if they're both drunk then neither of them can consent then they both raped each other. If a drunk person isn't capable of so much as consenting to sex, how they can't be held responsible for determining whether or not the other person is also drunk, or more drunk? Drunk people can consent to sex. It's when a drunk person says "no" or has been drugged that it becomes rape. Regret afterwards has nothing to do with it. If one person is sober, then yes, it CAN be rape. It's in really bad judgement to have sex with a drunk person when you're sober. And it's in really bad taste. But when I'm drunk, I want sex. Whether or not I regret it in the morning doesn't determine if it was sex or rape.
XoXo,
S
December 13, 2012
6 months with Jon
On New Years eve I met up with Jon downtown for the first time. He gave me the most warmest smile I'd felt the whole year. He took my hand and we walked through the cold just enjoying being with the other. When the new year started with fireworks he kissed me, and it was such a beautiful moment. It felt like the most effort anyone could ever go through to show they cared. We to his sister's place, and laid together on the futon in the basement listening to the Deftones and kissing and enjoying being in the presence of another who actually cared as much for you as you did for them.
The first night I spent with Jon at his new place we didn't have a bed. We laid together on the floor on top of a blanket covered by another because it was snowy and cold out. His laptop was propped up on a piece of a shelf that wasn't assembled. And we just laid there together not caring about the world.
When we moved into the little nook-room it was just me and him on a small bed that sat a good 4 feet from the ground. We laid together under the big blankets, my arms around him, our faces side by side watching movies on his laptop trying not to care about anything that was going wrong.
When I went to the hospital, I sat in the ER for 3 hours. He stayed for maybe 15 minutes. He hates hospitals. I was lonely and scared and I looked terrible, but he still came to see me so I smiled through the fear of being left alone and appreciated what I had.
When we moved into the basement off of Wells, the bed was like a cloud. We had furniture, and a place to put his laptop to watch all of our shows together. It had gotten warm, and even the basement was too hot. We didn't cuddle. The blankets were thrown aside. The extra space of the room was put between us.
We spent a lot of time at his sisters. Alternating between the small bed in the guest room, the larger bed in the larger guest room, and finally the futon in the basement where we spent our first night together ever. He sat in the garage playing his guitar and smoking and reading articles on the internet. I sat alone on my computer. We could both feel the distance growing. He didn't know what to do, and I didn't know how to tell him. We couldn't understand why the other spent so much time away. And we were both hurting from it.
I wish I could tell him that no matter how things ended, what he gave me is precious. The time we spent together wasn't a waste. Everything was special. It was unique. We could have spent eternity laying in bed together if we'd only have found the right way to say things. It wasn't perfect. We're too flawed. But it was definitely the most beautiful lie ever.
XoXo,
S
The first night I spent with Jon at his new place we didn't have a bed. We laid together on the floor on top of a blanket covered by another because it was snowy and cold out. His laptop was propped up on a piece of a shelf that wasn't assembled. And we just laid there together not caring about the world.
When we moved into the little nook-room it was just me and him on a small bed that sat a good 4 feet from the ground. We laid together under the big blankets, my arms around him, our faces side by side watching movies on his laptop trying not to care about anything that was going wrong.
When I went to the hospital, I sat in the ER for 3 hours. He stayed for maybe 15 minutes. He hates hospitals. I was lonely and scared and I looked terrible, but he still came to see me so I smiled through the fear of being left alone and appreciated what I had.
When we moved into the basement off of Wells, the bed was like a cloud. We had furniture, and a place to put his laptop to watch all of our shows together. It had gotten warm, and even the basement was too hot. We didn't cuddle. The blankets were thrown aside. The extra space of the room was put between us.
We spent a lot of time at his sisters. Alternating between the small bed in the guest room, the larger bed in the larger guest room, and finally the futon in the basement where we spent our first night together ever. He sat in the garage playing his guitar and smoking and reading articles on the internet. I sat alone on my computer. We could both feel the distance growing. He didn't know what to do, and I didn't know how to tell him. We couldn't understand why the other spent so much time away. And we were both hurting from it.
I wish I could tell him that no matter how things ended, what he gave me is precious. The time we spent together wasn't a waste. Everything was special. It was unique. We could have spent eternity laying in bed together if we'd only have found the right way to say things. It wasn't perfect. We're too flawed. But it was definitely the most beautiful lie ever.
XoXo,
S
December 08, 2012
Vegetarianism and Who the Real Douches Are
I've been doing the vegetarian thing for almost a week now. I literally just sat there last week and said "you know, I think I'm going to become a vegetarian."
And then I did.
I always felt that people were somewhat justified when they bitched about arrogant vegetarians. I figured they must just always be these sweet innocent victims. I get why vegetarians and vegans probably come off as dicks though.
I'm making a cheese and veggie sandwich at work. No problems there, we have awesome vegetables that are all nice and fresh and tasty and we have some pretty good cheese options right now. The grill guy comes up and asks me if I want him to put down a fresh hamburger for me, and I decline.
"I don't want a burger today" I say.
"Okay, well the spicy and crispy chicken just came up, do you want one of those? I can put a grilled down for you." He's just trying to be helpful, I know.
"nah, I don't want chicken either. I'm making a veggie sandwich," I finally admit.
"well damn, at least put some bacon on that."
"No, that's okay, I don't want to eat meat anymore."
"why the hell not? Meat is awesome. Bacon is delicious. Come on, just a few pieces of bacon. Look how fresh and tasty it is." at which point he eats some bacon and moans over it's amazingness while continuing to insist that I let him put some one my sandwich.
This has been the general response. From people who know me, and people who don't. The thing is, I used to be that douche. I used to be the dickbag who sat there and talked about how delicious a burger was to my veggie friends. I used to be the girl who took pleasure in teasing a vegetarian. The one who threatened to sneak meat into their food for laughs (although, I never did.)
You guys don't realize this from the Omnivore side of the fence, but you're being dicks. I get that you can't fathom never eating meat again, and I don't give a flying fuck. It feels as patronizing to me as me saying I'm a vegetarian feels patronizing to YOU. The difference is YOU offered ME meat. YOU asked ME why I didn't chose a certain food item. I only offered up the information about myself to let you know why, because you wanted to know. You ACTUALLY patronizing me over it wasn't asked for. If you eat meat I assume it's because you can't or don't want to give it up.
You don't have to sit there telling me how good bacon is. I ate bacon for 23 years. I'm trying to expand my experiences beyond the normal bounds of my life. I'm trying to live as a healthy and conscious human being. I'm trying to learn more about life and my food and how the two interact with one another.
And while a very small percentage of people do need meat, most of you don't. You just prefer to get your protein that way. I'm fine with that. Don't tell me how unhealthy my choice is just because you're choices are different, especially considering the people putting me down are eating deep fried and over processed foods.
Are there douchey vegetarians? Of course there are. Does that mean every vegetarian who points out that you're precious meat isn't a magical lifeforce is a smug dick? No. It probably means their sick of the bullshit they have to deal with from people patronizing them about their choice in food.
People literally act like you're unamerican for being a vegetarian or just eating healthy. I mean no exaggeration. We live in a country where patriotism is equated to mass consumption of processed meats. It's fucking crazy. "You don't want turkey on thanksgiving? But it's a NATIONAL HOLIDAY. No one will care if you break your vegetarian diet for ONE day."
Seriously guys? Seriously?
XoXo,
S
And then I did.
I always felt that people were somewhat justified when they bitched about arrogant vegetarians. I figured they must just always be these sweet innocent victims. I get why vegetarians and vegans probably come off as dicks though.
I'm making a cheese and veggie sandwich at work. No problems there, we have awesome vegetables that are all nice and fresh and tasty and we have some pretty good cheese options right now. The grill guy comes up and asks me if I want him to put down a fresh hamburger for me, and I decline.
"I don't want a burger today" I say.
"Okay, well the spicy and crispy chicken just came up, do you want one of those? I can put a grilled down for you." He's just trying to be helpful, I know.
"nah, I don't want chicken either. I'm making a veggie sandwich," I finally admit.
"well damn, at least put some bacon on that."
"No, that's okay, I don't want to eat meat anymore."
"why the hell not? Meat is awesome. Bacon is delicious. Come on, just a few pieces of bacon. Look how fresh and tasty it is." at which point he eats some bacon and moans over it's amazingness while continuing to insist that I let him put some one my sandwich.
This has been the general response. From people who know me, and people who don't. The thing is, I used to be that douche. I used to be the dickbag who sat there and talked about how delicious a burger was to my veggie friends. I used to be the girl who took pleasure in teasing a vegetarian. The one who threatened to sneak meat into their food for laughs (although, I never did.)
You guys don't realize this from the Omnivore side of the fence, but you're being dicks. I get that you can't fathom never eating meat again, and I don't give a flying fuck. It feels as patronizing to me as me saying I'm a vegetarian feels patronizing to YOU. The difference is YOU offered ME meat. YOU asked ME why I didn't chose a certain food item. I only offered up the information about myself to let you know why, because you wanted to know. You ACTUALLY patronizing me over it wasn't asked for. If you eat meat I assume it's because you can't or don't want to give it up.
You don't have to sit there telling me how good bacon is. I ate bacon for 23 years. I'm trying to expand my experiences beyond the normal bounds of my life. I'm trying to live as a healthy and conscious human being. I'm trying to learn more about life and my food and how the two interact with one another.
And while a very small percentage of people do need meat, most of you don't. You just prefer to get your protein that way. I'm fine with that. Don't tell me how unhealthy my choice is just because you're choices are different, especially considering the people putting me down are eating deep fried and over processed foods.
Are there douchey vegetarians? Of course there are. Does that mean every vegetarian who points out that you're precious meat isn't a magical lifeforce is a smug dick? No. It probably means their sick of the bullshit they have to deal with from people patronizing them about their choice in food.
People literally act like you're unamerican for being a vegetarian or just eating healthy. I mean no exaggeration. We live in a country where patriotism is equated to mass consumption of processed meats. It's fucking crazy. "You don't want turkey on thanksgiving? But it's a NATIONAL HOLIDAY. No one will care if you break your vegetarian diet for ONE day."
Seriously guys? Seriously?
XoXo,
S
December 01, 2012
Serj Tankian Appreciation Post
Serj Tankian is kinda dreamy. There, I said it. Okay, maybe I have a thing for guys twice my age. Maybe I have a thing for facial hair, and dimples (unph, those dimples)... But also, his voice. Oh god, his voice ;_; it's so beautiful. His songs are so meaningful.
So yeah. Just what I've been thinking about for the last week.
XoXo,
S
Me and Mohawks.
Just throwing out old pictures of me and my relationship with mohawks. These are all from 2008-2010, none are of the most recent, but I thought I'd give something to look at with all this writing.
This is a photo of a picture from my laptop. I think from 2008. I was at a bad place in my life them. Cutting the first mohawk was really freeing for me. I started standing up for myself because I realized I could do whatever the hell I wanted to for myself. I stopped feeling like a victim with the guy I was dating and eventually got out of the whole mess.
And then BAM. I started college and instantly drew a lot of positive attentionJUST because of my hair. I had spent a good part of the previous year of my life feeling isolated and rejected while trying to fit in. I stopped caring and everything fell into place.
To top it off, my mohawk is actually what attracted my new boyfriend to me in the first place. After being told no one could love me for who I am... I found Rob.
And then I ruined that. I hit a depression and then I broke up with him and started dating another guy. I started growing my hair out and the guy was a huge dick and I went through was was possibly the worst situation in my life. I won't go there anymore, it's the past, but I lost so much of myself for a really long time.
It just feels right. The hair I mean. The relationship too, but I never feel more free than I do with my hair shaved.
It's cheesey, but it's like Lady Gaga said, I am my hair. It's how I express myself. I've never been more in love with myself than I am the way I am right now. I have an entire blog dedicated to my hair (I've linked to it in the past). I can't find anything in the world sexier than a mohawk. :)
The point of this? I was looking at pictures of myself and reminiscing about the life I've lived. I blog about it, but I'm not always really open about my personal life. I guess I want to be a little more personal now. On occasion.
XoXo,
S
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