passiveness

For the 2nd night in a row it's 3am and I'm not tired.

I've been wondering lately, about how and when I became so passive. Things that actually bother me... Don't bother me. If that makes sense. I just have a really hard time reacting to anything I hear about unless I'm confronting it personally (and only then for a short amount of time.

I'm just sitting here like "yeah.. that's retarded" but I have no passion for anything like that.

I've been taking an emotion balancing vitamin called St. John's Wort. Only been taking it for a bit now, and it's crazy that I have to take a vitamin 3 times a day but it's supposed to be great at helping people deal with moderate depression and anxiety. I was flipping out a few days ago and I thought "how long am I honestly going to let myself do this to the people I love?" I really can't help it when it's anxiety. When it's depression I'm not moody and I can usually act happy and just fee sad. When it's anxiety it takes my whole life, spits in its face and calls it a slut. My heart beats too fast, I have trouble breathing, I'm on the brink of crying for HOURS (sometimes DAYS ) and I can't calm myself down. I'm a wreck and I can't seem to control snapping at the people I love.

Then we were getting some melatonin for Jon so he could sleep and I found the emotional balance medicine nearby.

I'm not saying that's what's caused my painful passiveness. It's not. I've been like this just about any time I'm not in an anxiety-filled fit. What I wonder is, how long will I take this before i decided that I'd rather be freaking out constantly than not depressed, because I already have such little drive and passion. Maybe I'm over-exaggerating. Yeah, I am. I actually can't think of a reason to not take these. If I need to find passion, I'll find another way.

Maybe it's a sign of me growing up more? I can't get pissed off over things that aren't hurting me because I know I need to focus on my own life and getting myself in order before I take care of the needs of others?

I don't know. And I think it's time to force myself to sleep. I have lots to do on my day off tomorrow.

XoXo,
S