I feel tired. Scraped thin and worn out. This is my favorite and least favorite feeling. I'm literally at a manic state I just haven't found the direction to go in. I could easily fall into a depression. A terrible one, with fits of anxiety and have those really weak moments that I have never admitted to, where I wish I would break down enough to self harm (though, I don't. I haven't in a while, and I won't.) The thought terrifies me. But I could also be happy. I could explode with creativity and vanity and be fucking BRILLIANT. Right now I just feel awake and tired at the same time and kinda want to go to sleep but I feel like I should be doing something.
SO I'm guiding myself. Trying to control the insanity that is my mood. I've never really tried to before. I've wished for the pain to stop or wanted to stop being so excitable (because other's don't seem to respond well to me like that?) but I've never thought of fully trying to control it before it happens.
I'm writing. I'm on tvtropes making sure this scene goes right. I'm contemplating fashion, hair, make-up, and other things that make me happy. For all I know I'll fall asleep by 2 and wake up as if I never felt like this right now. Despite my efforts I could wake up depressed. But, there's also that chance that I'll wake up feeling on top of the world. I want that chance.
There's not actually a chance if you never try.
XoXo,
S
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