I've been thinking about myself a lot lately, and what' I've done in my past and what I can/should change for my future and all that. Then I realized that I think way too much about myself and way too little about others. And then I thought "No, thinking too much about other people's feelings and putting mine aside is why I was in my last relationship and it was horrible. I guess I realized that I need to find balance?
I'm getting moody with Jon again and I don't like it. It may be the weather, since even in the basement it's hot as fuck. Maybe it's because Jon hasn't been doing much with himself and I feel like I'm carrying a lot of the weight of the bills. He doesn't ask me for money or anything, but we share my car... but it's MY car. And my gas, and my insurance and my overall investment (even though a car really can't be considered and investment since it fucking loses all it's value over a short period of time with minimal damage). But someone else drives it around like their own. People I don't know ride in it. The back seat gets littered with things that can rip open the upholstery or scratch the vinyl (but the stuff never gets put on the floor for some reason) and there's trash everywhere that isn't mine. And I'm the only one who's hurt when someone's amp puts a dent in the side where it can't be popped out. I'm the only one who loses money with a pedal put a deep scratch in the door vinyl or when their solo cup gets plopped into the cup holder and it splashes all over the seat because it's a fucking cup with no lid that isn't being held.
I think there are two kinds of guys in the world. The one's who want to you to be their mother and have you take care of them, and the ones who want to be your father and control (under the disguise of "guide" and "take care of" you). That's a generalization. But I'm frustrated. Finding a job isn't easy, but when you don't seem to be trying it's going to be 100X's harder.
And I've been talking to my ex's. Rob and Spencer. Two people who never did a thing in the world to hurt me, but I hurt them and for some reason they both (to some degree) forgive me. I hurt them, I was bad to them, and they forgave me. I'm basically a terrible person doing terrible things to good people. At least that's what it feels like. And now I feel like I'm doing that to Jon. But I'm not going to leave him, and cheat on him or whatever. I just keep feeling bitchy, and he keeps being the only one around to take it. If I had more friends to bitch to I could relieve some of that, but all my friends are guys and that makes boyfriends uncomfortable.
Oh well. I'll keep losing sleep over it until something else happens for me to think about.
XoXo,
S
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