So we all have people we used to have crushes on, right? People we hopelessly liked and hung out with and flirted with even though they didn't really seem interested or told us it wasn't going to happen. I have a few of them. We even have those stragglers in our life. The people we dated and left/were left by but for some reason never cut out even though you don't really talk much. Or maybe you do. Maybe you're still friends. Regardless, they're people who you have had strong feelings for that were more than friendship. Those people.
I have those. Being in a relationship now, I've resigned myself to speak to them less. To recognize that generally no good can from that situation. Someone who used to not like you can have a sudden change of heart when you stop pursuing, and exes can always try to rekindle old flames. Maybe they both get rejected, but those are situations that we can avoid altogether, right? So why don't we? The only guy I ever dated that I can honestly say CAN'T damage, hurt, or any of that. The one straight guy friend that I trust to NOT make a move on me. I still talk to him. Spencer's been a great friend through the last few years. Maybe I'm being too selfish in this whole thing...
There's girl who Rob told me he used to chase while him and I were apart. He REALLY liked her. She kinda drug him on sometimes, playing with the fact that he liked her, because she knew he did. She didn't want him, but she did it anyway. Nothing happened between them.
Now that we're dating, it'd make sense to drop all these people who he used to chase right? Especially the one he started dating RIGHT before we got back together. The one he left (a 24 hour relationship) to be with me. They still talk. A lot. The girl he used to pursue who I just mentioned, the one who pulled him along? Still talk. Still HANG OUT.
I feel so genuinely sick that... fuck, think of an analogy yourself.
I definitely feel less upset over the girl he dated because he left her to be with me, but she actually had feelings for him. I don't see how staying super close friends with him could possibly be a smart thing? And the other girl is going through a LOT of shit now, apparently. as someone who used to be on the brink of a breakdown (and gone through several breakdowns and so on) I can tell you that you start doing shit to feel wanted. Because you convince yourself that you actually liked that guy, or that you should be with him because you just KNOW it's right so fuck whatever he's got planned for himself. That's excessive paranoia on my part.
Yeah, it is. But the jealousy beyond that "potential future situation" feels pretty highly justifiable. A girl doesn't lead you on and then let you go live your life when you find something else. She wants to keep trying to lead you on. She wants the attention or she wouldn't have done it in the first place. I've seen girls try to HAVE SEX WITH guys they weren't interested in just to keep their attention from going to another girl who had genuine feelings for them.
And I should chill the fuck out and not be so paranoid and jealous... but when I look at her? She's really pretty. Really thin with a really nice body. She already likes the same shit and dresses the way Rob likes. He doesn't pursue girls who he doesn't find attractive just to have someone (though, he's open to girls who pursue him even if they aren't "right" for him.) She's the kind of girl he likes. And she's 100x's better looking than myself. They obviously get along or he wouldn't still try to talk to her when she is off doing her own shit, and he wouldn't hang out with her when the chance arose.
So, when she decides she wants that, what's actually stopping her? Because he's not. I don't talk to Zach anymore. I don't hang out with him. I only see him at work. I don't talk to or see Michael, Brandon, Jon, Craig, Anthony, Seth or ANY guy who I've dated, been interested in, or had interested in me. Any of them except Spencer as explained above.
Is that so much to ask? Is it TOO much? It may be. I may not being seeing this subjectively. But I can't stop feeling sick with jealousy and insecurity. The problem there lies with me, but why can't more people handle this shit like I do?
XoXo,
S
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