I don't miss you, but I sure do miss your friends. Or just having friends. I've been talking to a few old friends again lately but one lives in Indy and the other, despite moving back home, doesn't have a job yet and therefor can't afford to hang out and be stupid together.
But I have Rob. Which means I have someone who tries. This is going to be one of those blogs where I vent things that have been weighing me down for a while.
You never actually tried in the ways I needed you to. I was pretty open about what ways those were. Every day at 1 I'd ask you to go to the gas station with me to grab a drink and use the bathroom (since there was rarely tp at the house) because the guy who works there ALWAYS hit on me and it made me really uncomfortable. Every morning you told me you couldn't. You needed 10 more minutes of sleep (that usually turned into 2 hours). You slept at least 10 hours ever day, but you didn't have a job. You just slept. After waking up, every single day, you got high and smoked a cigarette and played your guitar for an hour. That was my last precious hour to spend with you before going off to an 8 hour shift at work while you got to stay home and play guitar all day. While smoking, getting high, and seeing your friends. I got to do none of that. ever. On the off chance that you didn't get high the moment you woke up, you asked to borrow my car to drive across town to pick up more spice (which you also wanted money for half the time, as well as cigarettes).
You didn't have gas money for my car. You didn't help with the oil change, help with the payments or help with the insurance, but you drove the fuck out of it. You borrowed it and acted as a taxi for your friends but never really had anything to throw my way as far as compensation. I let it slide for so long because i was hoping that getting to see your friends and have band practice and getting your cigarettes would help you with your depression, because I had no idea what else to do to help you. It didn't work.
I spent half of my time dating you basically living at your sister's house. She didn't like me. It was fucking boring there. Sure, there was internet (thankfully) but there's nothing to do and nowhere to walk on that side of town. I could have spent those nights in my own bed at my dad's instead and had an even better time because I actually had belongings there. But we stayed at your sisters. You literally spent the ENTIRE time in the garage smoking, getting high, and playing your guitar. It was cold out there and the dogs were usually with you (and I dislike dogs and told you this every time you asked me to hang out with you there.)
Speaking of my own bed, I never got to sleep in it. Ever. You hated going to my dad's. You felt like it was somehow the worst thing ever to not be in town for a night even though there's as little to do at your sisters, and at least at my dad's I didn't have to deal with her whining and bitching to us the entire time because we ate one of her 40 tv dinners. And I got to sleep under my covers, in the comfort of my room with my bookshelves filled with things I love and I would get to see my brother. But getting you to agree to go there was like pulling out someone's fingernails.
The off chance we'd get to go somewhere together because you somehow managed to wake up before 4pm, it was never just us. You were never happy just spending time with me. You always had to invite someone. Sometimes a LOT of people. I even told you how uncomfortable I felt around large groups of people and how I had social anxiety. You never stopped the invitations though. And not once could we walk to the gas station and back without you pulling out your phone and making a call.
The bean... Yes, I loved open mic night, once I starting getting Lacey to come with me. Because you NEVER spent that time with me. It's not an issue of me not wanting you to hang out with everyone there that's your friend, it's an issue of you not even trying to include me even though YOU KNOW I HAVE SOCIAL ANXIETY. At least you SHOULD have known that since I TOLD YOU MORE THAN ONCE. If we were inside for more than 10 minutes you wanted to go back outside, if we were outside hanging out with people for more than ten minutes you wanted to go back in. Then you'd want a smoke, then you'd want to run out back to get high and then you'd repeat this the whole night until you finally played your set (at closing time) and I'd dutifully sit there, exhausted and lonely, and record you playing.
I'm sure you were happy about me doing this... But considering all this shit I did for you, you didn't seem very grateful when you'd tell me what not to spend my money on. My money. Our only income that I busted my ass to get for us. And you were always trying to change me. You didn't want me to dye or cut my hair because you liked it brown and long and as natural as possible. When we started dating I was working on growing my hair out anyway, but get SO UPSET when I wanted to cut some of it off, and change the style a bit and maybe put a little new color in it. THAT'S WHO THE FUCK I AM. And you felt like it was wrong of me.
AND speaking of being my HAIR. I fucking like Lady Gaga. I don't like the movie Yellow Submarine. I don't much care for any of the Beatles movies honestly. Their music is lovely though, and you showed me that (since I was put off by their movies I never listened to it before)... But when I say I like Lady Gaga you spend the next hour bitching about how you think she's "everything that's wrong with the world" and how you'd be cool if she died. And yet, if I say I didn't like the shitty cartoon and say that's what put me off the the Beatles? You ask me to stop talking about it because it's hurting the way you think of me. Where was your respect of me when I wanted you to shut the hell up? You do that to ALL of your friends. Remember when Victor asked you to stop talking about religion because it made him uncomfortable? And you'd be like "okay, but blah blah religion blah, you know!?" He said stop. It means stop. Not finish what you were saying. Not try to explain it even more so that he "understands." It means change the subject. Now.
And that night I went to Taco Bell to talk to Rob? I just wanted to catch up. I thought you'd go with me so you wouldn't be paranoid and I'd literally just catch up because, in case you didn't notice, i had no real friends in your crowd. I was actually closer to Rob's friends after 3 months than I was with some of your friends after 6. I met Nate before we started dating, and he's the only one I still talk to (because instead of helping me through my anxieties you just threw me in and let me drown). I never intended to be with Rob again. Ask anyone. That may be hurtful to him, but when I burn a bridge I don't normally try to build a new one. But your absolute refusal to come with me, and wanting to put it off to a later time that was better for us (despite the fact that it was MY schedule since I was the only one with a job, and I was perfectly fine with going to Taco Bell at 1am since I'd be up til 5 anyway.) You shut me out and shut down. You didn't try. You didn't talk to me about. You just refused to go. That's when I realized that you'd never be there for me. ever. You weren't the guy I needed, you were just the guy I had thought I wanted.
STILL despite that, I wasn't planning on hooking back up with Rob. But talking to him about how everything has been made me realize that everything with me hadn't been okay. All that shit had finally hit me. Everything I'd been putting up with was clear as day and I realized I was really unhappy. You can say I never said anything to let you help me and that you noticed I was upset... But I did tell you. You just thought that what I was telling you wasn't important. It wasn't important to you that I see my brother, sleep in my bed, spend time with just you or feel comfortable in social situations that you wanted me in but didn't want to reserve any of that time to be with me. Those things were the problem. I told you about those things. Why did you never listen if you had actually loved me so damn much?
And you know who cared, has always tried and to this day meets me with nothing but love and acceptance? Rob. You know who never puts me in social situations I'm not comfortable with? Rob. You know who wants to be right there by my side when I do decide to be in a large group? Rob does. Because he listens when I tell him something is wrong, or that i need help.
At least I broke up with you when I realized I couldn't have the relationship I wanted to have with you. I wanted to have it with you. I wanted it to be you and me forever. But you definitely weren't the guy I needed, and no matter how much you loved and cared about the girl you thought I could be, the girl I was (and am) wasn't what you needed either.
XoXo,
S
1 comment:
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