On New Years eve I met up with Jon downtown for the first time. He gave me the most warmest smile I'd felt the whole year. He took my hand and we walked through the cold just enjoying being with the other. When the new year started with fireworks he kissed me, and it was such a beautiful moment. It felt like the most effort anyone could ever go through to show they cared. We to his sister's place, and laid together on the futon in the basement listening to the Deftones and kissing and enjoying being in the presence of another who actually cared as much for you as you did for them.
The first night I spent with Jon at his new place we didn't have a bed. We laid together on the floor on top of a blanket covered by another because it was snowy and cold out. His laptop was propped up on a piece of a shelf that wasn't assembled. And we just laid there together not caring about the world.
When we moved into the little nook-room it was just me and him on a small bed that sat a good 4 feet from the ground. We laid together under the big blankets, my arms around him, our faces side by side watching movies on his laptop trying not to care about anything that was going wrong.
When I went to the hospital, I sat in the ER for 3 hours. He stayed for maybe 15 minutes. He hates hospitals. I was lonely and scared and I looked terrible, but he still came to see me so I smiled through the fear of being left alone and appreciated what I had.
When we moved into the basement off of Wells, the bed was like a cloud. We had furniture, and a place to put his laptop to watch all of our shows together. It had gotten warm, and even the basement was too hot. We didn't cuddle. The blankets were thrown aside. The extra space of the room was put between us.
We spent a lot of time at his sisters. Alternating between the small bed in the guest room, the larger bed in the larger guest room, and finally the futon in the basement where we spent our first night together ever. He sat in the garage playing his guitar and smoking and reading articles on the internet. I sat alone on my computer. We could both feel the distance growing. He didn't know what to do, and I didn't know how to tell him. We couldn't understand why the other spent so much time away. And we were both hurting from it.
I wish I could tell him that no matter how things ended, what he gave me is precious. The time we spent together wasn't a waste. Everything was special. It was unique. We could have spent eternity laying in bed together if we'd only have found the right way to say things. It wasn't perfect. We're too flawed. But it was definitely the most beautiful lie ever.
XoXo,
S
2 comments:
omg, this is the bed song.
Also, when P was in the ER for two days--six hours each day, a total of 12 hours--I was by his side every minute of it. He couldn't eat anything, so I didn't either. I just watched him sleep and knit a scarf even though it was my spring break. And I am TERRIFIED of hospitals. But I loved him too much to leave him alone, even when he told me to go home.
You deserve someone who will stay with you when you need them to, even if it means making them face their biggest fears.
-M
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