Asexual doesn't mean no standards.

I feel sick. And I feel terrible. And for no reason I want to curl up and sleep and not wake up for a month. I've had a headache since Tuesday because I started a birth control with headaches as a side effect. 

I've spent a lot of time with robs family lately. I went to Michigan for one if his sisters graduations, and we took another of his sisters home with us for a week to get her out of her dads place. We'll be doing that with all of his sisters through the summer. I freaking love them. 

But I still feel really disconnected from rob. He may be officially moving in soon. I suggested it. It's my fault. But my intentions were for him to save money by not paying rent on dewald because he's rarely there. But now I don't want him to be at my place for long. And I don't want to just leave him and I don't want to ditch his sisters. Especially his youngest who gets screwed out of time with her brother more than any of them. But I feel trapped and I just want to be by myself. And not feel guilty when I go to the bean and see Jon and his friends. Rob can see and hang out with whoever he wants and I don't care. It's him who has the jealousy problem (in the situation of hanging out with the opposite sex friends whom he doesn't know). I realized a long time ago that you can't try to control who others see, and that if they want to cheat or whatever he's paranoid about, they will wether they were given permission to see them or not. 

He also really irritated me when he said that he liked that I was asexual because it meant he didn't have to worry about me "screwing some random guy" behind his back. I'm being finicky, but people don't usually cheat with strangers. Some people are more prone to I guess, but no, it's generally someone they know or got to know. And I can fucking have sex. I'm capable. And I can feel deep emotional connections with people and I can want to have sex with them because of it. I'm in the grey area if asexual. Just because I don't feel sexual attraction to someone I've slept with a few times and dont generally feel sexually driven doesn't mean I can't cheat. I just hate when people feel too content and too secure. Like, if I'm so fucking special you should always treat me like it and not have the mindset that just because I probably won't fuck someone doesn't mean I can't fall in love. 

I'm not trying to. I'm not looking. But there's so much more to a relationship than sex. My lack of a sex drive is NOT the same thing as me always being content with whoever I'm with. My dating history is solid proof. 

XoXo,

S