So after a successful trip to a way too busy mall (got The 2nd Law on vinyl, a new David Bowie shirt since I've finally accepted that my old one will never come back, and some strappy pants because they're sexy)... And I BAM. Brandon. I was caught so off guard that it felt like my heart stopped for a second. I was told that he moved out of state. Not just to Ohio or something, like a few states away.
And I've been a little cynical to other people lately about "oh, you'll always love the person you lost your virginity to!" because I've had a lot of bitter feelings towards Brandon over the last few years especially recently now that he's just gotten out of prison.
And here I am. And I've been thinking about this since it happened. I fucking miss him. And I remember when I broke up with him but I couldn't erase him from my life because I didn't want to have a life that was completely void of him, and he'd make moves on me and tell me that the girl he was with wasn't as important as.
And then it hit me that at some point in the past when we were still together and he was out with another girl she probably asked the same question and he probably told her the same thing.
It was easy to tell myself he was just making mistakes, but the hardest part was when I finally realized that I was never actually important to him even though he was my entire existence. Even after I had accepted that he'd never change all I wanted was for us to be together so I could lay in bed with him and I dreamed of the future when we'd be able to go to concerts together and go out to the bar. And I still have an overwhelming feeling to just fucking grab him and kiss him and fuck him. I don't even know why, because he's never given me a single reason to care besides the fact that he flirted with me and I guess I fall for that shit every god damn time.
Brandon, Zach, he whom I refuse to name, and Michael. Shed the smallest amount of attention on me, show the smallest amount of interest, and BAM, I'm lost in a world of dangerous infatuation. Dangerous for me at least.
Brandon is the reason that I don't fight my asexuality. By "fight" mean I don't try to help out my boyfriend with his sexual desires. Pretty much ever. I think the last time I had sex was mid December. That's perfectly fine with me personally (seeing how I haven't really wanted to, you know? because I'm asexual) but a lot of asexual people still sleep with their significant others occasionally if they aren't. He made me feel horrible about myself, because I literally went out of my way to do nice things for him. I made him lunch every day while he was in jail on work release. EVERY DAY for 4 months.
He cheated on me with nasty people. I don't just mean physically. I mean these girls were bitches. These girls had poor personal hygiene. At least 2 of these girls were underage. He was the first person who made me feel special and then I finally realized that I never actually was. And to this day, I STILL want him to find me special.
I thought for a while (I trick myself like this sometimes) that I avoided him because I hated him. No, I avoid him because he still has the power to make me do anything with a fragile bit of hope that he'll finally think I'm special, and when someone so heartless has that power over you it's kind of scary.
XoXo,
S
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