in which S finds her sexual identity and is pleased

I'm sorry I was at  such a low the other day. Not sorry, really, but I always feel a tinge of self-loathing when I unload my problems while being so brutally honest. I always try to sound respectful, especially of others and their privacy and all that, but sometimes I let my mouth work faster than my brain. It's probably healthy to do every now and then, actually, but I still feel bad.

ANYWAY, this is a post about my sexuality. I have discovered my sexuality. It's a real thing and I'm not weird and I should feel ashamed of it or feel dysfunctional.

I started to identify with Asexuality a few years ago when I was starting to notice how little sex drive I have. No matter how sexually attracted I was to whomever I was dating I just didn't have interest in it. I can honestly say that if I never had sex again it would probably not effect my life at all.

HOWEVER, I always felt like I broke away from asexuality enough that I couldn't really call myself asexual. I DO experience a lot of physical attraction. What I find attractive varies and I don't feel like going into it right now because it's lengthy, but I feel it. When I first meet and get to know someone I find physically attractive would be the only time I honestly have sexual urges. Literally, the only time. I think it's because I want to explore them entirely, but after I get to know them that feeling fades. Always.

I don't need sex. I already said it. I don't desire it. But because of that rare moment when I want to sleep with someone, I'm put in a grey area of asexuality. Granted, greysexual is kind of a silly word (and most people spell grey with an A but I just can't) but it seems right. I'm someone towards the asexual spectrum, but I'm in the grey area.

I know it sounds stupid to feel ashamed of not wanting sex, but you don't realize how much culture glorifies sex (even glorifies women exploring their desire to have sex) unless you don't. Everything is about sex. So many people's lives, in some aspect or another, revolve around sex, and sexuality, and sexual expression. But even though mine didn't, I just don't identify as asexual, I don't want to act like I don't find a lot of physical attraction everywhere, I just lack the desire to explore it 99.9% of the time (and that's perfectly okay. I see this now).

XoXo,
S