I think I've figured this out.

I haven't heard much from Rob today :( I'm saaad. I miss him.

Been kinda down in the dumps. I won't say that I miss my ignorance, regardless of how blissful it made me, but there's not much that can make me feel better right now.

I wish I could blame society and the media on the way men look at women, and they way OTHER women look at themselves... but really, it's not just them. We see the barbie doll runway models and nude suggestive ads as nothing more than some freak unobtainble goal to the masses. I've never look at some airbrushed ad in my magazine and thought "why can't I be as perfect as her?" because I know SHE isn't as perfect as her photo wants us to believe.

What's really harmful is the way normal women disrespect THEMSELVES. Portraits used to be my favorite form of art. I'd browse them for hours... but now I look at them and all I see is the real reason why men see us as nothing more than some sweet, innocent, sex object. That's the ONLY way we seem to portray ourselves. There's nothing wrong with being sexy. There's nothing wrong with women being sexual. But if they one way your potray yourself to others is as a girl posing seductively with little to no clothing on, that's all anyone is going to see.

Why do women have to be submissive or have an air of innocence about them in order to be sexy? Why can't women be aggressive, be the dominant? Why does every photo of a women have to have this "golly gee, look at me and all my innocence! I sure hope some strong man doesn't come take advange of me" look to it. YES, you can read THAT MUCH into a facial expression. It doesn't always register in our minds, but it touches at our instincts.

As much as sexual desire has to do with instinct (I've kept up on research regarding sexual attraction. VERY interesting) a lot of it is learned through every day experiences. It wasn't until recently that being 20lbs underweight (with breasts and a butt, of course) were the sexiest body shape. So why aren't we trying to break away from the unobtainable and enforcing the fact that healthy women are sexy to? And that women can be and look strong, smart and sexy all at once?

If we've trained ourselves to think fighting against our bodies natrual shape is a good thing, why can 't we train everyone to look at women differently? I realized today that I've spent a good part of my teens (and now) going out of my way to break free of the standards we've set for women. I didn't even do it on purpose. I'm still damn sexy with my masculine tattoos, shaved hair and AGES of makeup that made me look intimidating instead of cuter.

What does it take to begin to change the minds of women, reset the standards of beauty and make everyone a little less self loathing about our bodies? Think of how much better we'd all feel if people of a wider variety of shapes, sizes, ages, heights and races were portrayed more through the media? Someone to represent everyone instead of a bunch of people who represent less than 5% of women and men?

I feel kind of hopeless right now.

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