No Amanda, I cannot see the means without the end.
I try. But I can't. I can't spend thousands of dollars going to college and learning if I know it will show no real meaning once it's done. There's no end to those means, just debt. I don't want to work in a fucking office. I don't want to be a doctor, I don't want to be a lawyer or a social worker or vet or accountant. No amount of telling me to do so will change that. There's no reason for me to suffer through classes I don't care about, which will take time out of my work schedule and make it hard to pay bills, just so I can get a degree that will sit in my closet and go unused.
And no, I can't spend my life just hoping that putting up with someone I love will end up well for me. I prefer sure things to shots in the dark.
I'm tired of being home alone all the time. I knew it'd be the case when I moved in. But then, when people are here I just want to be alone.
I have a ton of extra money from this check. Maybe not a TON, because this will normally be where my phone bill kicks in, but I have spending money and I don't even feel like spending it. That's fucking insane. Spending money is my favorite past time.
Then I went to Fort Wayne today, with Brandon, as friends. At first he was acting like we were together, and "accidentally" running into me from behind, and hanging on me and so on. I told him I wanted him to stop. I don't like having my emotions played with. He said several times "I see you as more of a friend than a girlfriend" so I expect him to act like it. Then, he was being a douche the rest of the time, trying to upset me with our 'singleness.' by acting like he didn't care that he was commenting on random girls in front of me. Then was surprised when I called him a dick and walked off.
Jacob went to Cedar Point with his girlfriend and some friends, and I've been here alone since yesterday morning. Went to BWW yesterday with my family, but it only made me realize how much I like not being around my mom and sister (if they keep fucking talking about my dad like that, I'll stop talking to them altogether. He never says a word against them behind their backs. EVER and she's fucking 13 and pregnant.) I'm tired of them. And tired of my family pressuring me to go to college, and upset with the fact that it takes my sister getting knocked up to get my family to accept me. I know I'm not as fucked up as her, but do you really need the comparision just to accept me?
I really fucking want to see Rob Zombie. I think the concert is either late October or Early November. I can barely afford it (and will scrimp and save to get to go since I fucking LOVE him) but I don't want to go alone, and can't stand to go with Brandon (I'll either be upset the whole time, mad at him, or he'll be acting like were still together. Can't fucking win) and I can't think of a single person I'd want to go to a concert in Indy with. Plus, being in Indy only reminds me that I never hear from Michelle anymore.
I just want to fucking see Rob Zombie. And get shit sorted out, and put it through peoples heads that college isn't important to me (neither is money, really. That's why I don't mind buying everything secondhand).
Fuck Life. Screw the means with no end.
I want a new AFP album, asap. I need the therapy.
X0X0
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