I'd die for someone to just be here. The more time I spend alone the more I realize how little I do. I never follow through with anything. I've started so much in my life, but have accomplished so little.
It seems pointless to bother with things anymore.
And with every project that lays unfinished, and every idea that's stored for another day, I remind myself more and more of my mom. My temperament, my useless creativity, my waste of money. I'm so much like her that it makes me sick. Of all the people in the world, she has to be the one whose personality I was most directed by. I wish I had more of my dad's qualities. Endless love of history and learning. Business know-how. Money management. Dedication. Follow through. Where are those qualities? Why is it that I take after the only parent that truly made me feel so inferior? If I dislike my mother, how can I not dislike myself? I'm not prepared to look at her differently, so how can I be content with myself.
Why can't I fix all of these problems? I'm still carrying so much with me from Brandon. All the little things. Insignificant actions. I'm so afraid of everything happening again that I can't let myself move forward. I want to move forward. I try to trust like I used to and I try not to be so negative. But I can't figure out why it's not working. Why can't I do this? Am I just not ready to let go yet? Have I not given myself enough time to cope with all of this?
Those who hate most fervently must have once loved deeply. - Kurt Tucholsky.
XoXo
S
1 comment:
You are who you think you are.
I never wanted to learn about history and the way the world works until i met patrick and decided that i wanted to be smart like him instead of naive like my mother. if you want to be a certain way, you're the only one holding you back. sure, you pick up little quirks through your genetics, but you're the only person that decides who you are. it's not predetermined. you can be whoever the hell you want to be.
it's like your hair. if you don't like what you see in the mirror, you change it. and you know that it's okay because your real hair will always grow back. you'll always be you, even if you change the things that you don't like about yourself.
that's my philosophy, anyway.
Post a Comment