For the past few years I lived thinking that the reason I didn't have many friends was because I was a huge social retard. I put shyness to a level that most people don't understand. In some cases it could take a full year for me to become comfortable enough around someone to really talk to them or have them get to know me. Normally it was closer to a few months, but it's a situational thing here.
I've gotten a lot better about it though. I'm still shy to a crazy extent around someone who I haven't hung out with in very much, but I open up more easily and I'm less afraid to put myself out there when I talk to people.
Thing is, I still have yet to make any new friends since graduation almost a year ago, and I've come to find out that a lot of the people who used to talk to me (besides Kim and Michelle, who I met my freshman year) haven't even attempted to contact me since my graduation day. It's not like I haven't met a lot of great people at work, but for some reason people don't seem to want to be anything but a work friend. For the longest time I thought it was ME and it was because they didn't like me enough to want to.
I've realized now, though, that the reason I haven't made new friends is because deep down, beside my loneliness and desperation and the deep yerning to connect with people; there also sits subconscious me. She knows everything before I do. She's my instinct. I realize now that most of the people who I talk to I don't actually want to be friends with. The people at school who don't talk to me, I've realized that I never really connected with them because deep down I knew that I was just wanting that connection with someone so I talk to any person who'd be willing to talk to me.
Maybe there is something wrong with me. I've only had that strong bond with maybe 3 people in my lifetime.
I'm rambling and I forgot what I was getting at. Long story short, The reason I don't make friends is because I think that subconsciously I know that I won't connect with the person and I don't want to bother with friends that I don't connect with.
on another note, my brothers girlfriend is really starting to put me off. She's a bit of an attention whore, and by a bit I mean she basically demands the full attention of anyone in a room. At first she seems like a bubbly happy person that gets along with everyone... but I'm starting to get tired of her "me me me" attitude. I was trying to talk to my manager, and BAM she starts talking to him about -her- life problems and they sit and talk for fucking ever while I stand there waiting for them to shut up so I can tell him something IMPORTANT that I actually need to say. Not something personal. something WORK related.
Then I talk to my brother, and ask him what he's doing this weekend because I had nothing going on and wanted to go somewhere and hang out. Right when he says "I don't have anything going on" she jumps in and says "You're gonna hang out with me and my house" and he pauses for a second and goes, "well, I guess I'm hanging out with her"
I mean, HE'S MY BROTHER for fucks sake. You hang out with him every day. You text him constantly. GIVE ME THE CHANCE TO HANG OUT WITH HIM TOO. I told him I wanted to do something, but it didn't matter, because SHE decided what he was going to do for him. I know that's partically my brother letting her choose that, but she NEEDS his constant attention.
I've met people who fought to keep everyones attention, and they were unpleasant people who lied a lot and used false claims to get it. They're the people who are easy to hate and that people won't look at you funny for saying that they bother you. But when an attention whore comes in an honest person, well fuck, I'll have to keep my thoughts to myself. I hate keeping my thoughts to myself. It makes me broody and angry looking. The anger face makes you aaaage.
I'll stop bitching now. I got pretty good hours this week, and I got to talk about my problems with my other manager :D
<3
S
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