In all the time that I've spent looking at houses in other states and dreaming about moving... I don't think I've ever actually considered it. I mean, I've wanted out of here for a while, but I don't think that deep down I actually thought it'd be happening. Cuz today, after talking to Brandon about it I came home and started looking and I just suddenly got so scared of the 'unknown' that I had to stop. I want to get the fuck out, but I'm terrified of going to a new city.
I was looking at Stats of cities, living costs, average family income and all that. I don't know if me and Brandon will be able to get by anywhere else. The average family in a decent town makes from 26,000 a year to 60,000 a year. Me and Brandon will only make about 12,000. That's with the jobs we have now, of course, but I'll probably be doing cheap retail jobs and so will he. So that may not get much better.
But we have at least 4 years before I have to give it a -real- second thought. We obviously can't move until he's out of jail. Then we'll have to wait until he's off probation, which will be another 2 years. the we have to make sure the house will sell for enough money that we won't have to take out a loan. I refuse to take out a loan.
You know what's really strange to me though. To me, the thought of moving feels really really weird and scary. The thought of being with Brandon in 5 years (and the years after that, living together after we move) doesn't seem weird or scary in any way. It seems quite normal, and actually comforts me to think that when we move he'll be there with me.
I'm still kinda cautious with my relationship though. I mean, I could honest to god settle down with this guy and live with him forever and (good god!) even start a family if he wanted. And he told me once, when it was late and we were watching movie together, that he was ready to settle down with me and get his life in order. He's been hurt by a lot of people in his life though, so I know it'll effect how long it takes for him to realize that I really do want to be with him forever. At this point in my last relationship I was already doubting that it would last. I'm still sure that me and Brandon could make it work. We're at 7 months today. :D
But deep down, I always have this fear that he'll leave me for someone else, or cheat on me. I know that the bullshit about him cheating on his other girlfriends is just that; bullshit. My brothers girlfriend and her sister BOTH know the girl he dated for 2 years, she said he abused her but never once told them that he cheated. I even asked Arika directly about it. She said that his ex never said he did. So the only sources thats ever said that he cheated was Mariah.
She said that they dated when she was in 8th grade and that she lost her virginity to him, but once was takling about how she had sex with Logan Zurcher in 7th grade when they dated. born again virin much? Her time frame of dating him also is 1/2 way set during the time he would have had to have been with his ex. who he was planning on marrying. *eyeroll*
Everything about what I just said is beside the point. Cuz I refuse to believe a word out of her mouth without photographic evidense (she once claimed that brandon was cheating on me on one of the nights that I stayed that night. She doesn't know I lived with him so probably thought I'd buy into her shit)
no no, this stems deeper than rumors. I'm very insecure. Hell, if I could ever have the thought that SPENCER would cheat on me cross my mind, then you know I'm just ridiculously paranoid. I am. I've mostly learned to control it and only give into my parinoia when it seems plausible and not just like a little thing tugging at the side of my mind. I've had him look me in the eye and say that he'd never do that to me, and I believe him just by the look in his eyes (like the thought of losing me would hurt. I'm pretty in-tuned to his emotions when I try)... but it doesn't stop me from being paranoid that in the future he won't feel the same and will eventually leave me...
but I hate thinking like that, cuz I love him too much and just thinking about us breaking up could make me cry (of course, I'm gonna be menstrating soon... that's probably why I'm having ridiculous emotions right now)
Anywway. I'm broke. I need new tires. Jacob thought he had some for me, but they were the wrong size... aaaaaand I get paid Tuesday so everything should be fine since I'm mainly getting money for christmas so paying my bills doesn't worry me.
I can't wait til I get my baby back from jail. )':
<3
S
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