I think I should take this moment to explain my relationship with Brandon.
I quite possibly have paranoid personality disorder(link), and tend to be overemotional. Ask any of my friends. Brandon, I believe, has ADHD (possibility of bipolar disorder) and has been diagnosed with a form of depression (but then again, he's considered an alcoholic and has to go to AA, but he rarely drinks, even when he's at bars)....
So things can get pretty bad. he'll go through periods of irritability because of his 'episodes' and I'll get really upset and take it was something else... and well, just in general I'm not trustful of others.
I sometimes have trouble sifting through events, and being able to tell if it's really something I should worry about or if I'm just being paranoid.
We really got into it the other night. He went downstairs to take a shower and his friend texted him asking for a ride home from the bar cuz he was really drunk and Brandon left to go get him and ended up hanging out with him for a couple hours.
problem is, he never told me he was leaving. I basically live there. And when he went downstairs to take a shower he left on his shoes and put his phone in his pocket. I noticed this (which, noticing little things like that that I could use as 'evidence' against someone is a part of the whole disorder) and thought it was a bit odd, but just let the thought pass because I'm trying really hard to trust him. It's not usual for him to wear his shoes when he goes to take a shower, but to be fair we had just gotten back from going somewhere (fort wayne i believe) and I supposed that it could have been just one of those things that happens like that...
but I got super pissed when I went downstairs and hour and a half later to see if he was almost done, because I didn't want to go to bed until he was done. I figured he'd just snuck out to hang out to cheat on me or something. I started to text him asking him where he was, and when he finally responded he said he was taking his friend greg home from the bar. I told him I knew that he'd been gone this whole time (i brushed my teeth about 15 minutes after he left for his 'shower' and didn't hear water running. I tried to think nothing of it. thought maybe he was shaving first)... and he said he was hanging out with greg now, and that he didn't need my permission to go places and blah blah.
his annoyance could have been his adhd... and my lack of belief in his story could just be my paranoia.
He offered to come get me, but I was really mad... now that I look back he probably wasn't saying that in anger. Probably felt bad that he left me. I ended up leaving the house to go on a walk (at 11:30 at night) and the fight continued.
to sum it all up, he explained to me that his past two girlfriends (we've established that he has seen others, but not dated exclusively or really done anything with them.) caused him to be desensitized to things like that. He doesn't realize that he's doing something wrong because it's how he was treated in past relationships. He told me that he used to be like me. Kinda clingy (in a cute way, he said ;) ) and concerned about where his significant other went and who they were with and felt really alone without them and so on. He said he wasn't used to actually having someone act that way towards him, caring so much about him and whats going on in his life. He also said that the last time he ever had to tell anyone where he was going was when he was 18 and had to tell his parents when he left the house.
He's a sweetie. he really is and I know I should probably trust him... thing is, he last two girlfriends, who did all that to him BOTH were cheating on him. So I can't help but want to directly link that behavior with cheating even though I can pretty much be sure that he was really with greg hanging out after driving him home from the bar.
I should get help, shouldn't I? or could I be right?
(at least we always make it through the fights. Even if we sleep in different beds for the night or I have to go home. Never break up because of it. thats a good sign, right?)
2 comments:
Shayla! I wish you were here with me! I think that you'd really like it if you went away for college, even if it wasn't very far away. I'm the happiest I've ever been now that I'm out of that place!
Anyway, about you and brandon. I'm not convinced that he's really all that good for you. And, I know that you two are diagnosed or self-diagnosed with disorders, but neither of you can use them as excuses for hurting the other. (Too many people use disorders as excuses as to how they act. Yes, they affect you, but you're the one that has to work on it and try to make it NOT affect you. Otherwise, it'll just control you and it will be okay for you to hurt someone because of it. And that's just not right, in my opinion.)
Anyway, I know it's hard for him to act a certain way in a relationship, but deception is definately something that you don't want to do in a relationship. it's a big no-no. it hurts the one who's being decieved and can tear relationships apart. Tell him that you're finding it hard to trust him, and that if he loves you as much as you love him, he'll try to earn that trust. Because trust is the foundation of which a relationship is built on. You just can't be in a healthy/happy/loving relationship without fully trusting someone. (of course, these are all my opinions, and i don't want to offend you, so if you think i'm wrong call me out on it.)
When patrick went to college, i didn't see him and i wasn't sure if he had forgotten about me or if he found someone else or if he was purposely cheating on me. (the fact that there were rumours around school that he was didn't help). The reason I was about to break up with him every time he went away was because I didn't completely trust him.
And if all else fails, you can go to relationship counseling! (My school offers that for free! Crazy, right?)
But, yeah. My advice is to go to college because it's going to be major fun. That's the only reason I'm doing it!
Sorry about the long comment!
Love Forever,
M
I'm not sure if theres a specific way to reply, so hopefully this works D:
but damn, you always know what to say. really, i trust your advise more than I trust my own sometimes.
I'll try to talk to him soon. He's with his friends tonight (while I sit here wondering if that's where he really is... while wondering if I only wonder this because of all the rumors I used to hear about him)
but I know, trust is really important... but if you wanna know the truth, I didn't even trust Spencer. like, at all. That's why I honestly believe I have paranoia problems.
But I'll make sure to tell him that we both need to work on ourselves for us to work out. I tend to make it feel like I'm attacking his personality when I say something trying to be constructive. I'll tell him that I'll work on my paranoia issues and he works on his well... tendency to be deceptive.
but sometimes I honestly don't think he realizes he's doing something wrong... and other times I think that he knows that if he acts stupid he'll eventually get away with it.
And i want to believe that he'd never cheat, because a girl I work with, Tonya, has a chick friend who knows Brandon. And if she knew anything about him cheating, she'd probably tell me. Or if the two were ever involved she'd have mentioned it. She's a good person... but then I have my mom telling me about him talking with a girl at work a lot and saying "not that I'm accusing him of anything" (which makes me feel like she is)... but the chick has a boyfriend according to my mom, and she knows I'm with him... and SHE goes to HIM to talk... but dammit I can't help but wonder.
anyway. Thanks for the advise darling.
I'm currently buying a laptop with my college money :D
but I'm also about to go to the IPFW homepage.
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