Regarding my last post

so, basically, Brandon made up a huge and elaborate lie, about how he needed to pick his cousin Derek up from work to take him home because his truck was being worked on, and that it may be a while before he gets back because Derek wanted to talk about the funeral plans Brandon had made (his dad died a couple days ago, the funeral was the next day, so the plans were being thrown together quickly. Derek is Brandon's cousin on his dads side.)

So I believed him.

he was gone for a little over an hour, and when he got home he was rushing me to get my stuff ready because he was going to a concert, so he was taking me home while he was there (I needed to do laundry) and the concert was going to start soon. Being rushed doesn't make a happy shayla. >:( I think that face quite perfectly describes how it makes me feel.

But I got over it quickly. He asked if we needed to stop at Wendy's still to ask off for the funeral or if I wanted to call. I told him I'd much rather stop in, so I could talk it out with a manager and not have to deal with the phone at all, and then, after we started heading out to my house he kept going, and I had a mini blow up at him because he had JUST asked me if I wanted to stop in, and if he didn't have the time for it he should have just said "can you call them instead so I'm not late"... not "do you want to" (I've been trying to get him to word things in a way that I can interpret what he wants. I always try to word things our properly)

And I put back on the >:( face, because he took his dear sweet time to take his cousin home, and then rushed ME and made me change MY plans, just so he could fit all of his... he didn't -have- to take me home, but he doesn't want to wash my clothes for me unless I have a LOT more to clean, and I don't understand his washer.

THEEEEEEN, after I'm in a little bit of a better mood Rebecca called. Rebecca is the girl from Rural King that Brandon works with who was in an abusive relationship. She's been calling Brandon a lot to talk about it and blah blah blah. I'm really sick of how he babys her like she's a piece of fucking glass. yeah, she is going through a lot of shit, and yeah it's good to have someone to turn to, but when you do EVERYTHING for that person, and try to fix the problems for them, they'll never be able to do it on their own.

He's constantly trying to make me be more adult about doing things. Do it yourself. Call them yourself. Don't get so emotional, and so on, with things he trys to use to make me stronger on my own. He told me word for word "I don't want you to have to rely on me forever" But when some chick from work can't deal with her own problems, Brandon does EVERYTHING he can to make her life easier. He could easily just tell her from the begining to go to the police, to tell her parents and to end the relationship, but instead he does it all for her. She calls him whenever her ex calls her and asks what to do. (hm... lets see, don't answer, call cops, file a report against him, maybe just stand up for yourself? ) and NOW she called him asking if he'd help her file a report against him, and take her to the police station... you know, cuz she can't go in there by herself and do it. He makes NO effort to teach her to be more independant and to not have her rely on him to do everything for her, but that's all he does to me.

Seriously, he's never overly defensive about me when I'm feeling upset or scared. I'm just told to suck it up.





anyway, as soon as he gets off the phone with her he tells me "it was Rebecca, her boyfriend is calling her and threatening her" (she doesn't have a cell, so she's always either at home or at work. At work he can't touch her or the cops would be called, at home she can lock the doors and be safe, cuz if he broke in the cops could be called... the call was even asking brandon to go to the police anyway, why not just do it yourself) I say "you know shes a big girl brandon. she really needs to learn to take care of things herself"

this is where it really irritates me.

He blows up at me about it. Gets really defensive of her. yells that "you don't know what she's going through" "You've never been through this" BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH. I reminded him about my moms first marriage, to an abusive obsessive man who didn't even let my mom own a car just so that he'd always know where she was. I reminded him that when others tried to help her, it only made things worse because she would rely on them to always fix the problems she was having with him. It wasn't until she finally became independant and realised that she didn't need someone to hold her up that she FINALLY got out of it. Rebecca may have broken up with him now that she's been talking with brandon about it, but that doesn't mean she's safe in future relationships. She'll still be relying on someone else. That WILL eventually cause her to refuse to let go of someone who is hurting her. And after I told him all that, he still defended it all, as if a real persons experience wasn't as valid as her oppinion.

well, I was pissed (I'm not just a jealous person, I really dislike the weak. I'm not always strong, I won't deny that. But when people get into those situations and have someone else get them out... that's weaker than just staying with the abuser, because you still fully rely on another to take care of you) so I told him to forget about picking me up when the concert was over.

I told him that if he put HALF the effort he puts into making HER relationship better into OURS we'd never have another arguement again.

So I go to the computer and play around a bit to cool off, cuz I don't like being angry in general. Then mom comes home and asks me if me and Brandon went anywhere today. I told her about going to RK for his check and to the bank to cash it and that he took Derek home and all that and she said

"oh... cuz Terry told me that Rebecca tool Brandon subway on her lunch break since she wasn't going to the funeral"

Okay, I immediatly know that the ENTIRE story he told me about why he was leaving was a load of bullshit. I'm a level headed person most of the time, but when you make up a lie in that much detail it usually means you -really- feel like what you're doing will be seen as wrong. a simple "i'm picking derek up from work later" would have been a good sized lie. But to even use his own fathers death just to make a believable cover up for him going out to lunch with a girl? That's low. And makes it appear that the lunch was more than just an "I'm sorry your dad died" kind of thing. Big lie = Covering up something BIG.

I imediatly texted him, saying "So I heard you went out to lunch with Rebecca. You weren't taking Derek home. Why did you lie to me"

He said "well yeah I talked to Rebecca a little bit when I went to get derek"

I just sat and cried, becaus Jacob told me it was better to not make things worse over the phone. He told me that he'd talk to Bradon later to tell him not to do anything stupid to hurt me. so I "whatevered" him for the time being, and Jacob took me to town with him to get tape to make shit out of.

Jacob talked to him a little, and not just about me, They were just chit chatting outside while I got my stuff around. We go the whole ride home without him bringing up the Rebecca insident (I figured that if Jacob told him to not be stupid Brandon might come out and admit the whole lie... I got a bit irritable when he didn't)

later... before we went to bed... I hate admitting that I did this, but when he wanted the truth out of his ex, he did it as well. I looked through the messages on his phone while he was showering. a few of them were along the lines of "where are you" "you want me to come over tonight?" and "you gonna be here soon?" the ones asking about whether or not they should 'come over tonight' were from a person who's name in his phone book was "BAD. STAY AWAY FROM"

the others were from a girl named Krystal.
She was apparently at the concert he went to. They were apparently supposed to meet up there, at least thats what I grasped from the texts she sent and that he sent back.

and the reply to "STAY AWAY FROM" was just an excuse as to why that person couldn't come over. a lame excuse. He never tells people "no, my girlfriend is over" or "no, I have plans with my girlfriend" he just says "im busy" or "I have to get up early tomorrow"

now, I'll never admit to him that I did that (for a second time.... both times seemed justified in my mind, and both times help me figure out my situations more, and helped me plan on how to handle things... My intent is NEVER to break up, or to call him out on his behaviors to make him look bad. I just want to know whats going on so I can fix it and keep the relationship working)

but later he comes up, and I eventually work up the courage to ask him "do you really go to concerts alone?"

"yeah..."

"I mean, do you ever meet people you know when you're there, like, do any of your friend ever go too"

"yeah, sometimes I'll see people I know. Not like I hang out with them or anything"

"what about tonight? did you see anyone you know?" (now, I've got a good voice for this, just sounds purely curious and casual. Kinda light mooded, with a smile. but his gets more an more defensive as I talk. He ALWAYS gets defensive when I ask him questions)

"Well, Krystal was there. she just turned 21" (he used a name, that's pretty rare of him to do. 99.9% of the time, he refers to all chicks as "a friend")

"Oh, did you know she was gonna be there? I mean, you don't have many friends who go to concerts, and you'd think with it being her first time she'd talk about it"

"What are you getting at?" (I know he's not stupid, I was kinda just keeping the questions going until he figured out that I wanted to know something ELSE... he's a smart guy)

I said "Why do you lie to me so much"

"About who I run into at concerts? Do you want me to tell you every detail about everything?" This is where his voice goes into angry defense mode. Maybe I could have worded it all better, but I do tend to be straight to the point when I'm angry. )

"no," I said, "I'm talking about Rebecca. I know you were really with her today"

"well yeah I saw her at work, what, you don't want me to talk to her anymore? You're just gonna have to deal with it cuz me and her are friends"

"No, Brandon. People saw you leave Rural King with her on her lunch break. I know you lied to me"

"Well yeah, you think I can tell you the truth? You'd just get all pissed off at me and tell me to let her deal with things herself" (I didn't once mention that until the ride to my house AFTER he had the lie-lunch-date. So that point wasn't valid when he lied. That's the first thing that popped into my head when he said that, but I restrained myself from getting technical. that only makes him worse when we fight)

The arguement went on. With me telling him thats its never okay to lie, and that it's better if he pisses me off with the truth than let me feel hurt because he lied to me. He went on about how I don't know what she's going through, I don't know what it's like to feel like that, and (this is what ALWAYS makes me 100 times worse. Never tell me this. ) that I'm SELFISH.

After a little bit he said "if this is how you're gonna be then we should just break up now" (later he claimed that he said something a little less... offensive, more along the lines of asking me if I wanted to break up.... I mean, usually I'm the one to pull the "if you wanna break up with me just do it" card, but he did it... differently :( )

despite all this, the arguement wasn't as bad as most of ours. It's deffinantly pretty low on the Brandon/Shayla richtor scale. He even wasn't too mad, because he cooled off before he went to bed, came into the other room (where I was writing, to cool myself down) and asked if I was gonna be okay in that room tonight. I should have just said that I'd rather be with him, but I had a lot of thinking to do, and I wasn't finished yet. I did a lot of exploring into my feelings and so on.

had a horrible time trying to sleep. I had to though, cuz I knew I had to be up early to get ready for the funeral. Whether I was mad or not, Brandon -had- told me that he wanted me to be there with him.

at some point the next day, I don't recall if it was before or after the funeral... he admited that he didn't get any sleep that night. Not because of the funeral the next day, but because he felt lonely without me next to him. He told me he was up until 4 in the morning wishing that I'd sneak into his room and cuddle up next to him. I admited that I had wished that he'd do the same with me.

Honestly, the only reason I didn't is because usually when we argue he gets more mad when I keep coming back in to talk to him more. I'm all about working things out immediatly, but I've learned (mostly) to give him his space... If I hadn't been so into what I was writing I'd probably have noticed his calmness when he came in to ask me if I was gonna be okay...

sometime last night (which was the day of the funeral, which was in the morning... then I went to work and played guitar hero for a couple hours) me and him were watching a movie, and I brought up the lie again. Things went much better this time.

I told him how I don't want him to lie to me, ever. Not about anything. I told him that I would much rather have him tell me the truth and make me mad than keep it from me, because it hurt too much to find out that he lied. And I explained that I can't trust him if he isn't totally honest, and since he's my baby I really want to be able to. Told him that no matter how selfish he thought I was, I really did care about him more than I cared about myself. He told me that he'd try. I tod him that I didn't want to change who he was, because I loved who he was. And that I just wanted him to know that him making me angry with the truth wouldn't hurt our relationship, but him lieing to me would.



So I'm trying to be less jealous (without ignoring things that I should be suspicious of. He's got a lot of work before I'll totally trust him)

and I just found out from my mom, who also works at Rural King... That someone who was there when Rebeccas boyfriend supposedly came and hit her... says that she didn't actually get hit. That her boyfriend was mostly just crying and yelling. His theory, she just wants the sympathy. No one denys that he threatens her (Brandon has threatening messages on his phone just because he talked to her) and he may have hit her before... but that day, that she claimed he did... He didn't. She had better not be taking advange of Brandons kindness. Using a bad situation to get a lot of sympathy.

I think the main reason I don't like Rebecca (as a person. Leaving out the whole Brandon thing) is because she seems -really- immature. She has a shirt that Tia does. A purse that looks like one a little kid would get at wal-mart. the innocent cruelty of a child (if you were bullied when you were 6, you'd know what I meant) and just overall... she acts like a little girl pretnending to be an adult. Or like a rebelious 12 year trying to fit in with highschoolers by dating a lot and having sex to prove themselves.

maybe... deep down, it isn't brandon that I don't trust... it's her.

:/ I still have a lot of thinking to do I guess.