Shores of California

All I want right now is to go to town and be with Brandon and try to pretend that nothing is wrong.

It's awful. I full heartedly thought he was the one. I thought we really might last. I don't think I've ever been so sure of something before no. I'm not one to be off in an imaginary world. I try to be pretty tongue and cheek realistic. with myself. I thought things were good. Everything was very normal and happy that morning and all the time before it. I felt really good. I felt like all I needed was our love and I would be okay. Normally you can sense that a relationship is going to go sour before it happens. It's so sudden.

I know I shouldn't be talking to him, and I should forget him and move on, but I can't help but keep talking to him. I tried to take the picture of us in his room and he wouldn't let me. He said he still loved me and wouldn't let me take it away from him.

Why would someone fight so hard to keep someone if they were cheating? I'm not doubting it's possibility I'm just saying it's stupid. Brandon's not exactly logical, but if he were telling someone that he thought I was mean and that he wanted to leave me then why is he still texting me and trying to get me to move back in? I don't get it. He even texted me first, saying he was empty and alone without me there.

I know I should just say "fuck you" and leave him, but I can't. I guess it's not even that I can't. I don't want to.

idk. I'll see how things work out. I really don't want to be here (my parents house) but I'm poor. Brandon reccomended the pay based houseing. I'm considering it, or the appartments on second street. I think some were up for rent. I'm getting about 200 a check... 400 a month is really not that much, esspecially when I also need money for food and gas and utilities. if I start getting $300 a check I would probably be okay with $400 a month for rent I think. I'll still have $200 for bills and food and gas, and I can walk right? Maybe I'll be okay. idk.

I found out how to make my cd playing in my car work. I know that seems really trivial considering whats going on, but I can listen to the Dresden Dolls while I drive and it's good music for break-ups (or, any occasion) But really, now that I listen, a lot of them double as break-up songs regardless of it's actually intention. It makes me feel a bit better.

<3
S