no no no no

okay, I have a way of scaring myself when I begin to think that something is wrong with me. I'll find something wrong, name it, look up the symptoms and then get scared as shit thinking that I have it until I find out otherwise (symptoms change or go away)

well, I have myself scared pretty shittless right now thinking that i could be pregnant. I mean, I've been WEEKS late before, but the fact that I show such few signs of a period to come (bloating, and having water make me feel sick) I'm getting worried. It's only been 5 days, which used to be normal, but it just doesn't seem to be coming. I keep getting cramps randomly, but according to all these medical pages, that's NORMAL when you become pregnant. I had a huge headache yesterday, also normal.

I'm really afraid of what's gonna happen. I mean, I can't do this. Brandon is gonna be gone for 6 months, in one month. that would be 7 months of being ALONE that I had to deal with this. I could have been pregnant for a full month for all I know, so I could have a fucking baby before it's daddy got out of prison, and I CAN'T DO THAT. If I don't get my period soon I'm gonna be such a mess that I don't know how I'm gonna even function.

fuck, I don't even know HOW I could have gotten his sperm in me, considering he ALWAYS pulls out. No condom, no finishing in the vag. I mean, sometimes it'll drip a little in the area, but I clean it up, and make sure it doesn't touch anything that could let it get in... The stress is killing me... and then there is always a chance that stress is causing me to come late... it happened with Brooke the first time her and Jacob had sex...

really though. I done with our method of 'protection'
condoms whether he likes it or not. I'll go get on the pill too. Both or no sex. and a morning after pill for those accidents like broken condoms and forgeting a day.





What a great birthday, right?

besides that, it was fun. I went to a park with brandon and played soccer for a bit, then we played batmitten. it was tons of fun. Me and him are getting along really well compaired to our first few months. Maybe its the change in season. I'm always kinda cranky in the heat, and I think he is too. It's too cold out now though.

I got a new perscrption strength deoderant, it rolls on, and will last 72hours once you get it going. I won't even have to put it on every night like I do the old kind. And it works, I played sports while wearing a sweater and there was no sweat marks to be found (even my old brand had some after exercising) and, best part, it's CHEAPER. old stuff, $8, new stuff, $5.50.

Brandon came to my house after that, for my birthday 'party' and we played N64 in my room. Mario Kart first. Played it twice. First time Brandon got 4th place overall an I got first. Second time he got the hang of it and got 1st for 3 of the 4 races, and 1st overal, while I got 3 most of the time but my first place in one race put me at 2nd.

Then we played Super Smash Bro. and whooped ass. He's gotten a lot better since last time. only died completely once. and we were playing for over an hour. Thats pretty good... all that followed by eating with the family, and then more video games in my room and a tickle fight.

You know how you feel and act when a relationship is new? everything is carefree and fun and you feel AMAZING all the time. I've been getting that high a lot lately when me and him are together. We lost it for a while, it always does fade away... but today when he left, I felt AMAZING. Happy and energized (even with the pregnacy thing in mind)... it only lasted about an hour, but me and him can still have it. I didn't know you could still get that feeling so often after the newness of the relationship wears off. he's my baby.



I get my braces off tomorrow! I'm going to subway to eat my first sub without braces in 2 and 1/2 years! nothing to get the bread stuck in! and it was soooo cute, cuz when mom asked brandon how he felt about it, he just got a sad look and said he'd miss them. awwww. he thinks they're so cute. I'll have to find out what ugly betty does, so I can wear fake braces every now and then. for him and his silly fetishes.

I wish he were here to hold me. I miss him. I'll be with him again tomorrow though.

well, I gotta be up bright and early, so I'll be off...

may be on my laptop tomorrow, so WATCH OUT :D I may be stealing your WIFI!

much love
S